Career Day: Season 44 Episode 1

Career Day

Firefighter…..Alex Moffat

Teacher…..Aidy Bryant

Student 1…..Ego Nwodim

Mordecai…..Pete Davidson

Samantha…..Melissa Villaseñor

Mr. Parnassus…..Adam Driver

[ Image of the entrance to Sierra High School with the school sign reading, “Career Day Friday!” ] [ Cut to a classroom with several students sitting in desks, the teacher standing to the side, and a firefighter in the front of the class holding his axe. ]

Firefighter: And in my opinion, that’s how we make the fire go away.

[ The teacher lightly claps her hands and walks over to the firefighter. ]

Teacher: Oh, wow. Simply, wow. Thank you so much to Samantha’s dad for than enlightening demonstration. [ The firefighter exits the classroom. ] Alright class, to continue our career day presentations, we will now turn it over to Mordecai’s father, Abraham H. Parnassus.

Student 1: Dude, what does your dad even do?

Mordecai: I don’t want to talk about it.

Samantha: I heard he’s like super old. Is that true?

Mordecai: I don’t know. He’s a dad. Dad’s are old.

[ A very old looking man with gray hair and a gray mustache enters the classroom. ]

Mr. Parnassus: Greetings, children. I’m Mordecai’s father. Hello boy. How are you? Look at your father boy. Look upon your father with pride.

Mordecai: I see you, man!

Teacher: Alright, uh, Mr. Parnassus why don’t you tell us about what you do for a living?

Mr. Parnassus: Hear me now, children, for my occupation is of much import. For 82 years I have been an oil man, a ‘barren’ some have called me. Now what does an oil barren do? The answer…crush your enemies! Grind their bones into dirt! Make them regret that they were ever born!

Samantha: Oh sick!

Teacher: Wow! Right into the dirt. [ The teacher chuckles. ] Now if the kids want to pursue a career in oil, what sort of traits would serve them well?

Mr. Parnassus: Oil is not for the weak. It is the Earth’s milk, and only the strong may suckle at Mother’s teat. Do you hear me boy? Only the strong…look at me boy. Look at your father! Look at me.

Samantha: Look at him Mordecai!

Mordecai: Dad, this is embarrassing.

One man came close to breaking me, H.R. Pickens. He did not succeed, for I crushed him into the ground!

Samantha: Who is H.R Pickens?

Mr. Parnassus: Exactly!

Teacher: Samantha, you gotta stop it honey. Okay. Well, Mr. Parnassus, the oil business must be pretty lucrative, right?

Mr. Parnassus: Oil has little to do with profit, Marm!

Teacher: Okay.

Mr. Parnassus: Oil is about domination of the spirit. Allow me to demonstrate. Children, point to the weakest in your class. And we shall ruin their spirit, as I ruined the spirit of H. R. Pickens so long ago.

[ All of the students point to Mordecai. ]

Mordecai: Word.

Samantha: You are weak like H.R. Pickens.

[ Mr. Parnassus walks over to Mordecai’s desk and leans in towards him using his can to hold himself up. ]

Mr. Parnassus: Feel this boy. Understand the pain. You think I was always the picture of strength that I am now?

Mordecai: Dad, you couldn’t get out of bed for a week because the mattress was too soft.

Mr. Parnassus: Mind over flesh boy. I was born seven months too early. Incubation technology was still in its infancy, so they placed me in a cast iron pot inside of a pizza oven until I was ripe enough to walk. My bones never hardened but my spirit did. Be strong and crush your enemies!

Teacher: Well, this has been outstanding Mr. Parnassus, but unfortunately we are running out of time. [ The teacher makes a thumbs down motion with her hand. ] Boo! Now does anyone else have any last questions for Mordecai’s dad?

Student 1: Yeah, yeah. I get that you’re an oil barren. But what do you do all day?

Mr. Parnassus: Perhaps I wasn’t clear. Luckily, I brought a visual aid which will illuminate the ins and outs of the oil industry. [ He shakes open the burlap sack he was carrying and pulls out a dead crow. ] This dead bird represents those who will wish you ill. Once proud, flying high above the Earth [ Mr. Parnassus holds the bird up high and pretends to make it fly. ] in bloody defiance of her gifts. And now you return [ Mr. Parnassus throws the bird to the ground forcefully. ] her to Earth, naked and defeated. [ Mr. Parnassus stabs his cane into the bird on the ground. ] I outlived you, Mr. Pickens! I crushed you into the ground and now your bones turn to oil beneath my living feet! I married your granddaughter, filled her belly with my festering seed and sired a boy! He is my final revenge, H.R.!

Mordecai: Dad, come on.

[ Samantha stands up and starts clapping. ]

Samantha: I want to be you when I grow up.

Mr. Parnassus: And so, you shall! Now, children, I was asked to bring a healthy snack. So join me in the hall for swine livers and Capri Suns.

[ Cut to the front entrance of the High School. ]

Teacher voiceover: Alright, kids, go out and eat those pig guts.

Adam Driver End of Summer Monologue: Season 44 Episode 1

…..Adam Driver

…..Aidy Bryant

…..Beck Bennett

…..Kenan Thompson

…..Pete Davidson

[ Adam Driver walks out onto the stage in front of the SNL band to speak to the audience. Adam waves to the audience and signals for them to stop cheering. ]

Adam Driver: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I am Adam, designated driver, and this is the season premiere of Saturday Night Live. Which is exciting. This is exciting. Which is exciting, which is exciting. But, the only thing about hosting the first show back is all anyone in the cast wants to do is talk about their summers. Which is fine. It’s fine. This is all fine. Honestly, it’s just about me. I’m terrible at small talk.

[ Aidy Bryant walks onto stage. ]

AIDY BRYANT: Okay my dude. Hi!

Adam Driver: Okay it’s happening.

AIDY BRYANT: How was your summer?

Adam Driver: It was, uh, it was good. You know. I worked a little and traveled a little. And uh…how was your summer?

AIDY BRYANT: Oh, you know, it was good. Yeah. I worked a little. I traveled a little. Chilled with some…

[ Adam stands there looking contemplative. He nods his head as his voiceover explains what he is thinking. Aidy continues to speak about her summer, but her voice is silenced. ]

Adam Driver voiceover: Oh my God, is this really happening? Is she really describing her whole summer? Of course she worked a little and traveled a little. That’s what every friggin’ idiot does. Oh no she paused. Quick laugh and smile a little.

[ Adam speaks out loud again. ]

Adam Driver: Yeah. [ Adam forces an uncomfortable laugh. ]

AIDY BRYANT: Anyway we are so happy to have you back.

Adam Driver: Oh, and I am great [ Adam stutters. ] for to be back.

AIDY BRYANT: Okay, you hang in there man. [ Aidy walks off stage. ]

Adam Driver: Okay so anyway, on huge spoiler about Star Wars…

[ Beck Bennett walks onto the stage. ]

BECK BENNETT: Ohh, what’s up my man? How was your summer?

Adam Driver: It was good. [ Adam stutters. ] How was your summer?

BECK BENNETT: Oh, it was pretty good. I worked a little; I traveled a little.

[ Adam looks annoyed and begins to think again. ]

Adam Driver Voiceover: You know what Beck… [ Bleep ] you! Are you really doing this dude?

BECK BENNETT: And, uh, I got married this summer. So I’m a big boy now. Yeah. Thank you. Adam, do you know how it feels to be a big boy?

Adam Driver: Well I’m also married, and I was a Marine.

BECK BENNETT: Oh okay, wow. You win! [ Beck turns away from Adam and walks off the stage. ] [Kenan Thompson walks onto the stage. ]

KENAN THOMPSON: Adam what’s up man? Welcome back, man! How was your summer?

Adam Driver: Yes it was so so so so so so so so fun. And you?

KENAN THOMPSON: Well you know..I worked a little, and I traveled a little. Work hard, play hard. Am I right? [ Kenan laughs. ] [ Adam looks displeased and begins to think again. ]

Adam Driver Voiceover: Don’t hit Kenan. Whatever you do, don’t hit Kenan. You worked so hard on your anger issues. Don’t blow it on live TV.

KENAN THOMPSON: Man, it is a funny story.

Adam Driver: That’s so funny, yes! Ha ha ha!

[ Kenan looks frightened and begins to think. ]

KENAN THOMPSON Voiceover: Yo, is Adam Driver going to hit me? I mean it really looks like he’s about to go all Kylo Ren on my ass.

[ Cut to Adam Driver looking fierce. Star Wars like music begins to play. Cut back to Kenan looking frightened. ]

KENAN THOMPSON: Okay, anyway, um. Break a leg tonight.

Adam Driver: Oh, I will!

KENAN THOMPSON: Oh, I’m out. [ Kenan exits the stage quickly. ]

Adam Driver: Where was I? So, Ewoks are real, and I’ll tell you where to find them. You take a plane to Traverse City, Michigan…

[ Pete Davidson walks onto the stage. ]

PETE DAVIDSON: Yo! What up Adam? So, how was your summer man? Did you work a little or travel a little by chance?

Adam Driver: I did Pete. How was your summer?

PETE DAVIDSON: Oh you don’t want to hear about my summer.

Adam Driver: No actually, you’re the one person whose summer I want to hear about.

[ Pete smiles at the camera and winks, and then he walks off the stage. ]

Adam Driver: We got a great show for you tonight! We’re going to work a little, travel a little. Kanye frickin’ West is here! So stick around. Oh, and hey kids, why not smoke a cigarette during the commercial break. Because we’re back!

A New Kyle: Season 44 Episode 1

…..Kyle Mooney

…..Joe Fryer

…..Carson Daly

…..Pete Davidson

…..Lorne Michaels

…..Beck Bennett

…..Alex Moffat

…..Wendy Williams

…..Kenan Thompson

…..Kid Cudi

…..Chris Redd

…..Heidi Gardner

…..Aidy Bryant

…..Adam Driver

…..Melissa Villaseñor

[ Kyle is walking through the city. ]

Kyle Mooney voiceover: [ Cut to Kyle approaching NBC Studios. ]

So we’re back at SNL.

[ Cut to Kyle walking through the building. ]

Which is great.

[ Cut to Kyle opening the door for Studio 8 H. ] [ Cut to Kyle sitting facing the camera and speaking out loud. ]

Kyle Mooney: It’s my sixth season. Sometimes I still feel like people don’t know who I am.

[ Cut to closing sequence of a previous SNL episode. Camera darkens out the hosts in the foreground and brightens a small Kyle clapping from behind mixed in with the rest of the cast. ]

Kyle Mooney voiceover: At the end of last year I thought maybe…

[ Cut back to Kyle facing the camera. ]

Kyle Mooney: …it’s finally happening. But then, this summer happened..

[ Cut to Joe Fryer on NBC News. ]

Joe Fryer: SNL’s Pete Davidson has confirmed [ Cut to Pete Davidson and Ariana Grande posing for photos at the VMA’s. ] that he and singer, Ariana Grande, are engaged.

[ Cut to Carson Daly on the Today Show. ]

Carson Daly: Ariana and Pete’s announcement of their engagement…

[ Cut to three Instagram photos of Pete Davidson and Ariana Grande. ]

Female Voiceover: They’re engaged!

[ Cut to Pete Davidson coming out of an elevator as Kyle Mooney approaches from the hallway to the right. ]

PETE DAVIDSON: Ah, L-Dog, this year’s gonna be lit.

Lorne Michaels: Get in here, brother. [ Lorne and Pete hug. ]

PETE DAVIDSON: Love you man.

Lorne Michaels: Love you, too.

KYLE MOONEY: Hey Lorne.

Lorne Michaels: Oh hey, Hey Kevin. [ Lorne Michaels walks past Kyle and down the hall. ] [ Cut back to Kyle Mooney speaking to the camera. ]

KYLE MOONEY: I feel like this year I gotta make a statement.

[ Cut to Kyle looking in the mirror]

KYLE MOONEY Voiceover: So I’m gonna change things up a bit.

Female Hairdresser: Okay you sure you want to this? [ The hairdresser walks over and wraps a haircutting cape around Kyle. ]

KYLE MOONEY: Yeah.

Female Hairdresser: Here we go. [ The hairdresser turns on an electric razor and approaches Kyle’s hairline. ] [Cut to black screen. ]

Female Producer Voice: Kyle to the floor please. Kyle.

[ Cut to SNL set. Beck Bennett and Alex Moffat are standing on set as Kyle Mooney approaches them now with short blonde hair like Pete Davidson’s. Kyle is also wearing clothes like Pete’s. ]

BECK BENNETT: Kyle?

KYLE MOONEY: Haha, what up.

BECK BENNETT: Why you so late man?

KYLE MOONEY: Why does it matter bro? I was just doing my thing. [ Kyle brings a rolled joint to his mouth and inhales. He then exhales onto Beck who backs away and swats the smoke from his face. ]

BECK BENNETT: Stop that dude. What are you…why are you smoking?

KYLE MOONEY: By the way that shirt’s pretty lit.

BECK BENNETT: Lit?

[ Cut to the ‘new’ Kyle speaking to the camera. ]

KYLE MOONEY: I love this bro. People are finally starting to take me seriously. Now all I need is a hot celebrity girlfriend. And that’s fine by me.

[ Cut to Kyle walking into the meeting room of SNL writers. ]

KYLE MOONEY: Writers! If you guys are going to write me into your sketches. Y’all got to write my girlfriend into them, too. Come on in here baby. Y’all know my girl..Wendy Williams.

[Wendy Williams walks in carrying a picnic basket. ]

Wendy Williams: Hi everyone. Hi honey.

[ Kyle opens the picnic basket, and baby pig pops its head out. ]

KYLE MOONEY: We adopted a pig. Swag! [ Kyle makes a pumping motion with his fist, and Wendy William kisses him on the cheek. ] [ Cut to the elevators where Kenan Thompson is waiting for an elevator. Kyle and singer, Kid Cudi, come out of an elevator laughing. Pete Davidson walks up to them. ]

PETE DAVIDSON: Yo, Cudi, I hit you earlier to hang out. How come you didn’t hit me back?

Kid Cudi: Oh, I guess, uh, I was just busy.

KYLE MOONEY: Yeah, yeah, busy. [ Kyle laughs and wraps one arm around Kid Cudi’s shoulders. ]

PETE DAVIDSON: Yo Kyle.

KYLE MOONEY: What’s up?

PETE DAVIDSON: Why are you stealing my look and my friends? Don’t you know I have, like, mental problems?

[ Kyle pulls out a bottle of pills and shakes them at Pete. ]

KYLE MOONEY: Me too. [ Pete knocks the bottle of pills out of Kyle’s hand. Pete and Kyle start getting ready to fight. ] You wanna come at me, bro? [Kenan Thompson steps in breaks them apart.] You wanna come at me?

PETE DAVIDSON: Yeah!

KENAN THOMPSON: Chill. Chill! Y’all wanna settle this..do it the ‘Saturday Night Live’ way. Cool?

PETE DAVIDSON: Cool.

KYLE MOONEY: Cool.

[ Cut to a Romanesque set where the SNL cast members are dressed in medieval costumes. Pete and Kyle are in the middle of their circle in battle outfits getting ready to fight. ] [ Cut to Chris Redd drinking from an old mug. ] [ Cut to Beck Bennett observing the room. ] [ Cut to Heidi Gardner eating a banana then tossing the peel. ] [ Cut to Pete licking his lips and standing across from Kyle surrounded by the other cast members. ]

Aidy Bryant: Gentleman choose wisely. [ Aidy presents a choice of weapons. Pete chooses the sword. Kyle chooses the ball and chain. Pete and Kyle begin to circle around each other. ] [ Cut to Adam Driver standing from the balcony overlooking the scene. ]

Adam Driver: Guys, guys, guys, guys. As host of this show, I think I have to ask you to not do this. [ Adam is shot with an arrow into his leg. ] Jesus!

[ Cut to Beck holding a bow after he shot the arrow. ]

BECK BENNETT: You don’t belong here.

[ Cut to Adam Driver limping off the balcony with the arrow stuck in his leg. ] [ Cut to Melissa Villaseñor. ]

MELISSA VILLASEÑOR: Now, fight! [ Melissa hits a gong with a mallett. ] [ Cut to Kyle and Pete circling each other holding their weapons. ]

KYLE MOONEY: I’m going to enjoy this.

[ Pete lowers his sword. ]

PETE DAVIDSON: Why are we doing this man? I don’t want to fight you.

KYLE MOONEY: Really?

PETE DAVIDSON: Yeah, man. We’re friends.

[ Kyle sighs with relief. Then Pete thrusts his sword into Kyle’s chest. ] [ Cut to Heidi looking shocked. ] [ Cut to Chris looking shocked. ] [ Cut to Pete releasing his sword and Kyle stumbling backwards. Kyle slips on the banana peel that Heidi had thrown aside earlier. ] [ Cut to Pete smirking. ] [ Cut to Kyle sitting up holding the banana peel with the sword still in his chest. Kyle laughs. ] [ Cut to Beck Bennett laughing. ] [ Cut to Aidy and Melissa laughing. ] [ Cut to Pete hesitating a smile then giving in to laughter as he looks around the room. ] [ Cut to Kyle continuing to laugh. ] [ Cut to Pete mockingly imitating Kyle slipping on the banana peel. The rest of the cast continues to laugh in the background. ] [ Cut to Pete and Kyle facing the camera and talking. Kyle is back in his regular haircut and clothes. ]

PETE DAVIDSON: Well, um, it looks like we’re friends again.

KYLE MOONEY: Yeah. And I guess I learned that it doesn’t matter what you look like or how popular you are. It’s just about having fun.

PETE DAVIDSON: Yeah. Hey, what’s that? [ Pete points to nothing on Kyle’s chest. Kyle looks down at his finger, and Pete flicks him on the nose. Kyle flinches. Pete laughs. Kyle begins to cough and spit up blood, and his chest wound opens up and begins to bleed. ]

KYLE MOONEY: Doctor says I’m going to die a little later.

Fortnite Squad: Season 44 Episode 1

DoomSnake…..Kyle Mooney

FlowBoy…..Pete Davidson

William McTavish…..Adam Driver

[ Fortnite Loading screen with loading bar filling in and theme music playing… ] [ Cut to Fortnite Map with a blimp flying towards the map. ]

DoomSnake: Let’s play some Fortnite squad. This is DoomSnake. [ Cut to DoomSnake in his room with headphones and game controller ] Who we got on the squad? FlowBoy, you got a mic?

[ Cut to FlowBoy in his room with headphones and game controller. ]

FlowBoy: Yeah, what up? Let’s get that Victory Royale.

DoomSnake: Hell yeah! A’ight, who else is on the squad? Um, William McTavish, 1972. You there?

[ Cut to William McTavish in his room with headphones and game controller. ]

William McTavish: Oh yeah, yes, hi there. This is William McTavish. FYI, never played this game before. My 11-year-old son Miles loves it, and I want to learn how to play so that Fortnite can be a fun bonding activity that we do together.

[ Cut to DoomSnake. ]

Doomsnake: Dope. Well, it’s pretty easy, you just run around and try to kill the other squad. There’s like dances you can do and stuff; it’s fun.

 

[ Cut to William McTavish. ]

William McTavish: Oh excellent. My son plays with his step-father, Rick. And I’d like to be better than Rick as soon as possible.

[Cut to DoomSnake. ]

DoomSnake: Cool. Here we go.

[ Cut to Fortnite gameplay. The three players, DoomSnake, FlowBoy, and William McTavish appear in video chat boxes on the left and their three Fortnite characters portrayed by other cast members to the right. The characters are standing in their idle position. There is a female with pink hair holding a gun, a blonde guy with a giant pickaxe, and a man with long black hair holding a large gun. ]

William McTavish: Okay which character am I controlling?

[ The blonde guy holding a large pickaxe runs forward and squats. He reruns some more and squats. He looks from side to side. The other two characters continue to sway in their idle standing position. ]

DoomSnake: You’re the blonde guy.

William McTavish: Okay, I got it. I’m the blonde man.

[ The blonde guy continues to squat and run in place. ] Oh, he looks very outdoorsy.

[ Cut to Doomsnake. ]

DoomSnake: Yeah, I guess. Alright, let’s loot up and go over to Tilted. And Mr. McTavish, holler if you need any help.

[ Cut to William McTavish. ]

William McTavish: I need help.

[ Cut to Fortnite gameplay with 3 video chats along the side. The Blonde guy is running into a brick wall. ] What am I doing?

DoomSnake: You’re running at a wall.

FlowBoy: Hey! Turn around sir. Come over to us.

[ Cut to William McTavish. ]

William McTavish: Alright gentlemen, here I come.

[ Cut to Fortnite gameplay with 3 video chats along the side. The female with the pink hair and the male with long black hair continue to stand idle. The blonde guy crosses in front of them walking backward then turns around and goes back the other way walking backward. ]

DoomSnake: Sir, just so you know, you can walk forward dude.

William McTavish: Okay, one thing at a time boys.

[ Cut to William McTavish. ] Okay, what do I do now?

[Cut to DoomSnake. ]

DoomSnake: Step 1, like, stop doing that.

[ Cut to Fortnite gameplay with 3 video chats along the side. The blonde guy is running into the man with long black hair. The man with long black hair and the girl with pink hair continue to stand idle. ]

William McTavish: Well, there’s somebody directly in front of me.

FlowBoy: Yeah, that’s me.

[ Cut to DoomSnake. ]

DoomSnake: Yeah instead of that, go over to that loot chest and open it up. There’s guns inside.

[ Cut to William McTavish. ]

William McTavish: Hold on there are guns in this game?! My ex-wife and Rick should have asked me before letting Miles play this, right?

[ Cut to DoomSnake ]

DoomSnake: I don’t know. Sir, I’m only 15. I shouldn’t be weighing in on your marital situation. But, uh, maybe open up that loot chest.

[ Cut to William McTavish ]

William McTavish: All right, got it.

[ Cut to Fortnite gameplay with 3 video chats along the side. The blonde guy is jumping up and down while the other two characters continue to stand idle. ] Am I doing it?

DoomSnake: No you’re jumping! Push Y!

William McTavish: Oh okay, I got it now.

FlowBoy: No you don’t Mr McTavish. Look at your guy. [The blonde guy starts running in a circle. ] He’s running in a tight circle. Just push Y!

[ Cut to William McTavish. ]

William McTavish: Okay hold on. Let me just figure it out. Okay, there, there. Got it.

[ Cut to Fortnite gameplay with 3 video chats along the side. The blonde guy is running into a brick wall again. ]

FlowBoy: No! You’re back at the wall again. Why you like the wall so much?

[ Cut to DoomSnake. ]

DoomSnake: Sir, just go over to the chest and press the Y button on your controller. Please!

[ Cut to William McTavish ]

William McTavish: Okay, one moment. I did it! I have a firearm.

[ Cut to DoomSnake.]

DoomSnake: Good, cause I see another squad heading our way right now.

[ Cut to FlowBoy. ]

FlowBoy: Yo, Mr. McTavish, when they roll up just aim and shoot.

[ Cut to William McTavish. ]

William McTavish: Alright, let’s do it. Let’s get a Fortnite.

[ Cut to Fortnite gameplay with the 3 video chats along the side. The blonde guy starts dancing by shaking his hips back and forth and moving his arms, like the Twist and the other 2 characters continue to stand idle. William McTavish lets out a laugh. ]

William McTavish: What’s my guy doing?

DoomSnake: That’s an emote. It’s one of those dances you can do. But now is not the time.

[ The blonde guy continues to dance but with more gusto. ]

William McTavish: Oh, that’s a riot. Look at that!

FlowBoy: Yo, they’re here. Stop dancing.

[ 2 more fortnite characters portrayed by other cast members enter the gameplay. They act like they are shooting the other 2 characters who now defend themselves. The blonde guy continues to dance in the foreground. ]

DoomSnake: Mr. McTavish, help us, dude. Shoot those guys!

William McTavish: My guy’s a good dancer.

[ The blonde guy continues dancing. The 2 new characters kill DoomSnake’s and FlowBoy’s characters, and they fall to the ground. ]

DoomSnake: Oh, damn it, dude!

[ Cut to FlowBoy. ]

FlowBoy: And we’re all dead. Alright. We didn’t even get one kill.

DoomSnake: We can’t go out like that. You guys wanna squad up and play again?

[ Cut to William McTavish. ]

William McTavish: Ah, alright. One quick game. But then I got to get back to rehab. So let’s go, squad!

[ Cut to Fortnite loading screen which then appears to be what the television screen looks like when it is shut off. ]

Weekend Update: Pete Davidson on His Engagement to Ariana Grande

….. COLIN JOST

….. PETE DAVIDSON

….. MICHAEL CHE

COLIN JOST: And now here to talk about how he spent his summer is Pete Davidson.

PETE DAVIDSON: Hello.

COLIN JOST: Hi.

PETE DAVIDSON: Hi Colin. So my summer, yeah, do we need to explain? Or can I just like… [ Pete motions forward with his hand ] get into it?

COLIN JOST: Yeah, I think we can just get into it. Well, you got engaged to Ariana Grande.

PETE DAVIDSON: Yeah I did. Yeah. Thank you! I did. I got engaged, and no one could believe it. I couldn’t believe it. And, uh, I get it. She’s the number one pop star in the world, and I’m that guy from SNL that everyone thinks is in desperate need of more blood.

COLIN JOST: Well congratulations, I know it’s been kinda crazy.

PETE DAVIDSON: Yeah. Do you remember when that whole city pretended that kid was Batman because he was sick. That’s what this feels like.

COLIN JOST: And have you been enjoying all the attention?

PETE DAVIDSON: I hate it. It’s Awful. I’m so scared. Yo, I got death threats. Yeah, yeah..it’s Malcolm X, Martin Luther King, and Pete Davidson are all people that have gotten death threats. And I like assumed that I would find out about it like they do in movies. Like the governments in your living room with like headsets and there are detectives with suits. And they’re like, ‘Sir we have a situation’. That’s not how I found out. I was leaving my building, and my doorman said, ‘Yo man! Somebody tryin’ to kill you’.

COLIN JOST: And now if you don’t mind me asking..Can I ask, what is the prenup situation?

PETE DAVIDSON: Well obviously I wanted one. You know so God forbid, God forbid we split up, and she takes half my sneakers. No look, I am totally comfortable being with a successful woman. It’s dope. I live at her place, you know. She pays like 60 grand for rent, and all I have to do is like stock the fridge. [ Pete pauses ] Yeah.

COLIN JOST: Well the man doesn’t always have to be the breadwinner in the relationship.

PETE DAVIDSON: God damn right, Colin! He does not. Uh, last night I switched her birth control with Tic Tacs. No, I believe in us and all. But you know, I just want to like make sure. [ Pete pauses ] That she can’t go anywhere.

COLIN JOST: Well she put a song on her new album, and it was called Pete Davidson.

PETE DAVIDSON: I know.

COLIN JOST: That sounds like a very amazing thing to do.

PETE DAVIDSON: Sick.

COLIN JOST: Yeah, and like what have you done for her?

PETE DAVIDSON: Uh, I mentioned the fridge thing. Um, I also love her very much.

COLIN JOST: That’s great.

PETE DAVIDSON: You know I don’t even get royalties for that Pete Davidson song. You know that, like if we break up, and we won’t. We will. But we won’t. No, I’m kidding. But like in 10 years, God forbid that ever happened, there will be song called Pete Davidson like playing in speakers at Kmart, and I’ll be working there.

COLIN JOST: Pete Davidson everyone. [ Colin points at Pete ] For the Weekend Update I’m Colin Jost.

[ Camera pans out to show Michael Che sitting with Colin and Pete ]

MICHAEL CHE: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight!