Prison Job

Phillip… Chris Redd

Norman… Donald Glover

Allen… Kenan Thompson

Prison guard… Alex Moffat

Spider… Beck Benett

[Starts with guys talking to each other.]

Phillip: Yo, I’m telling y’all, man. I gotta get out of this prison, dog.

Norman: Man, I’m never coming back here.They got us working thirty cents an hour.

Allen: It’s like modern day slavery. I feel like these walls are changing me.

Phillip: I know what you mean, man. Like, last week this new MA came up, asked me what size my sneakers was. I said, “Yo size, bitch!”

Norman: Damn! So then what happened?

Phillip: Then he tried to grab me by my collar, right? That’s when I– [phone ringing] Hold on a second. [speaking very politely on the phone] Um, good morning. Customer service. My name is Phillip. Oh, how can I assist you today? Uh, alright ma’am. Please stay online while I direct you to the manager. Alright. Thank you. [Phillip presses the extension number and continues with his story with the guys speaking toughly again.] Then I grabbed the razor that I was hiding in my butt cheeks and cut his ear off, fam.

Allen: I know exactly who you talking about, man. He tried the same thing with my boy Freddie. You know Freddie, right?

Norman: Freddie that made cognac in the toilet?

Allen: No, not that Freddie. [phone ringing] Hold on. [speaking very politely on the phone] Customer service. This is Allen speaking. How can I assist you this afternoon? Well, yes. That particular necklace is real turquoise in a 14 carat gold plated trim. Oh, you have a lovely day too. Alright. [hangs up the phone and continues with his story with the guys speaking toughly.] No. Freddie that stabbed the guard in the neck with a spoon.

Norman: Oh, yeah. I know Freddie. Um-hmm. He trie to jump me in a bathroom. There was like, five of em’. But you know me, I’m crazy. So, I pulled down my pants and then– [phone ringing] Hond on. [speaking very politely on the phone] It’s a gorgeous Wednesday morning. This is Norman. How can I be at your service today? Well, yes, ma’am. And might I say, that is a lovely choice. I personally have that in my very same unit in my kitchen. Okay. Okay, now. I’m gonna put you through. Alright, bye. [hangs up the phone and continues with his story with the guys speaking toughly.] I crapped in my hands and then I threatened to touch them with it.

Phillip: Yo, we been there. Err’body been there. Y’all heard about Rico though?

Norman: Who Rico? The cop killer?

Phillip: Nah, nah, nah. Not that Rico, man.

Allen: Rico the drug lord?

Phillip: Nah, man! Rico! The guy that makes all the silly puns.

Norman: Oh! You mean fun Rico.

Phillip: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Fun Rico.

Norman: Oh, he’s the best. I just love his silly puns.

Allen: Yeah. He’s the only thing that keeps me going. But what about him?

Phillip: He hung himself.

Norman: Oh, my god.

Allen: No.

Phillip: He was hanging there.

[phone ringing]

Norman: [speaking very politely on the phone] Customer service. Well, thank you very much for the positive feedback, ma’am. I do remind you that there is a short five minute survey– [hangs up the phone and continues talking to the guys toughly.] She hung up on me.

Allen: Argh! I hate when they do that.

Norman: How hard is it to take a five minute survey?

Phillip: I know. It’s like, one more good review and I make parole, lady.

[phone ringing]

Allen: Ma’am, are you still waiting on hold? I am so sorry for the inconvenience. Please be patient with us. God bless you too. [hangs up the phone and continues talking to the guys toughly.] Argh! I hate when customers have to hold. Makes me wanna kill again.

Phillip and Norman: I feel you. Me too.

[A prison guard walks in with a guy, Spider, on straitjacket]

Prison guard: Enough chitchat in here fellas!

Spider: [making crazy face] Why don’t you loosen these straps for me just a little, will ya?

Prison guard: Yeah, right. So you can eat me like you did your last cell mate? You sick bastard!

Norman: Yo, this lady on line four wants to speak to a manager.

Prison guard: Alright. I got this.

[Prison guard puts the headphones with mic on Spider]

Spider: [speaking very politely on the phone] Hello, this is Spider, the manager speaking. Oh, well, I am so sorry to hear that you did not enjoy those Omaha steaks. They’re all I ever eat. A lot of em’. Now, if I can just get some personal information, what are you fears?

[The End]

Jail Cell Cold Open – SNL | Season 44 Episode 8

Prison Guard … Alex Moffat

Chris Redd

Kyle Mooney

Kenan Thompson

Aunt Becky …Kate McKinnon

Brother Wallace

Michael Avenatti … Pete Davidson

Julian Assange …Michael Keaton

Tekashi 69 … Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with intro]

Narrator: Brought to you by MSNBC. Now that the Mueller report turned out to be a big fat zero. Right now it’s Lock Up, Chino correctional facility.

[Cut to prison guard and Chris. Prison guard is locking Chris in jail.]

Prison Guard: Good luck in there. And, hey, have fun.

Chris Redd: Yeah, thanks. [Chris walks in the jail] I really appreciate that.

[Cut to Chris, Kenan and Kyle]

Kyle Mooney: What are you in here for?

Chris Redd: Little robbery. Ain’t going to stick though. How about you, little man?

Kyle Mooney: What the hell did you just say? [Kyle stands with rage]

Kenan Thompson: Hey, both of you all sit down.

Kyle Mooney: I’m in here for assault, bitch. You want a reenactment.

Kenan Thompson: Hey! Hey!

Chris Redd: What about you, old man?

Kenan Thompson: Old man? Son, I’m the craziest dude in here. Stabbed my neighborhood to death and then ate his fingers so they couldn’t ID the body.

Chris Redd: Damn, that’s insane.

[Aunt Becky walks in]

Aunt Becky: Oh, yeah? You think that’s insane? I paid 500 grand to get my daughter into USC.

Chris Redd: Wait, what?

Aunt Becky: You heard me. [Cut to Aunt Becky, Chris and Kenan] I paid 500 grand to a women’s crew coach to say my daughter was good at rowing. I’m loco.

Kenan Thompson: Hold up. You paid 500 grand for USC?

Aunt Becky: Oh, yeah. And that’s not including the 300 grand I blew on tuition.

Kenan Thompson: Oh, my god. What did your daughter major in?

Aunt Becky: Communications. Yeah. And you know what her job is now? She’s an influencer on Instagram.

Kenan Thompson: Stop it. I can’t hear anymore. Guards, get her away from me!

Aunt Becky: Hey, I own the guards in here. I helped their kids get into a really competitive pre-k.

Chris Redd: Wait a second. Are you Aunt Becky?

[Aunt Becky takes a pencil out and points it towards Chris to stab him]

Aunt Becky: Say that again?

Chris Redd: All right. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Is it Lori? Do I call you Lori?

Aunt Becky: No, no. I have a new name now.

Brother Wallace: Brother Becky.

[Cut to Aunt Becky and Brother Wallace]

Aunt Becky: Yes, Brother Wallace.

Brother Wallace: You forgot your Kufi?

Aunt Becky: I did? Well, to quote Stephanie Tanner, “How rude!”

[Cut to everybody. Brother Wallace leaves.]

Chris Redd: Wait. So you’re in the nation of Islam now?

Aunt Becky: That’s right. [Aunt Becky sits beside Chris] I bought my way in for 100 grand. Plus another 100 for them to stop calling me the White Devil.

Kenan Thompson: Man, [Cut to Kenan and Kyle] you won’t survive in here more than a week?

[Cut to Aunt Becky and Chris]

Aunt Becky:  Oh, really? You think prison is hard. I have done 68 hallmark movies, I have seen hell man! And in half of those hallmark movies I marry Santa’s son, so I have lost all sense of reality. I’m going to take your heart and I’m going to cut it out.

[Cut to everybody]

Chris Redd: Damn, yo, I think being on a sitcom for 12 years drove her crazy.

[Michael comes in.]

Michael Avenatti: Did somebody say crazy?

Chris Redd: Michael Avenatti?

Michael Avenatti: Oh, you’re damn right, baby.

Chris Redd: Wait. [Cut to Chris and Kenan] How do you know this fool?

Kenan Thompson: Well, I watch a lot of Morning Joe. I’m team Mika.

[Cut to everybody]

Kyle Mooney: You’re a lawyer. What are you in here for? Speeding tickets?

Michael Avenatti: Speeding tickets? Bitch, I’m accused of crimes you can’t even conceive of, [Cut to Michael] like blackmailing a sneaker company and stealing taxes from a coffee shop to fund a race car team. [Cut to everybody] And I’m so shady that a porn star once said that she needed to distance herself from me. [Cut to Michael] And you know what the worst part is? I might still run for president. Avenatti/Baldwin 2020.

[Cut to everybody]

Aunt Becky: Okay, he wins. He’s the craziest.

[Cut to Julian]

Julian Assange: Is he, though?

[Cut to everybody]

Chris Redd: Yo, is that Julian Assange?

Julian Assange: Yeah.

Kenan Thompson: Oh, that makes sense. I was going to say Santa’s back on crack.

Julian Assange: That’s right. It’s me. I’m the architect of anarchy. I’m the king of chaos. I’m the scourge of the cleaning staff at the Ecuadorian Embassy.

[Kyle walks to Julian]

Kyle Mooney: Yeah? What’s the big deal? Old man doesn’t look so tough.

Julian Assange: You want to throw down, amigo? [Cut to Julian and Kyle] You want to? I hope you’re proud of every single photo in your iPod because , boom, all your ding dong pics just went on the internet.

Kyle Mooney: Yeah, right.

Julian Assange: Yeah, yeah. Hey, you remember that notes folder you had? What was that called? Ideas for shark tank.

Kyle Mooney: How did you know about that?

Julian Assange: I know everything, baby.

Kyle Mooney: But my password has letters and numbers.

[Cut to everybody]

Julian Assange: Now, you sons of bitches want to hear how crazy I am? Here’s how crazy I am. [Cut to Julian] I’m wanted in the US and Sweden. I’m from Australia. I live in London in Ecuqador. You try figuring that one out. [Cut to everybody] Yeah, you cheat your schools and you know you rob your companies. [Cut to Julian] That’s cute. It is, yeah. I’ve attacked the US military bitches, because I’m an actual James Bond super villain and I’m one step away from destroying the goddamn moon. So you want to get nuts? Come on, let’s get nuts.

[Cut to everybody]

Michael Avenatti: Okay. He wins. I yield my time.

Julian Assange: Thank you. [Cut to Julian] Is there a bathroom around here because I really have to take a wikileak.

[Cut to everybody]

Kenan Thompson: Yeah, it’s over there in the corner.

Chris Redd: Yeah, but watch out for that dude, man, because he must be in here for something crazy.

[Cut to Tekashi 69] [Cut to Chris and Kenan]

Kenan Thompson: Oh! You mean Takashi 69? Hey, Tekashi, you in here for something crazy?

[Cut to Tekashi 69]

Tekashi 69: Nah, just robbery and gun stuff. It’s stupid!

[Cut to Tekashi 69]

Michael Avenatti: We may both regret this but Takashi, do you need a lawyer? See, prison’s fun.

Everybody: Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!