Wallace Advertising

Cecily Strong

Leslie Jones

Steve… Kenan Thompson

Beck Bennett

Mr. Wallace… Michael Keaton

[Starts with four people in the office of Wallace Advertising.]

Cecily: FYI folks, our CEO Mr. Wallace is going to be sitting in today.

Leslie: Mr. Wallace, why?

[Cut to Cecily and Steve]

Cecily: Oh, he just said he wanna be more hands on in the creative process.

Steve: As long as he keeps hands off my lunch, I’ll be happy.

[everyone laughing] [Cut to Leslie and Beck]

Leslie: I just hope he keeps his hands off my lunch.

[Cut to everybody. No one laughs]

Oh, so you’re just gonna laugh at him but not laugh at me.

[Mr. Wallace walks in]

Mr. Wallace: Hey! How are you guys doing?

Cecily: Um, good Mr. Wallace. How are you?

Mr. Wallace: I’m good. I’m good. I’m good. [Cut to Mr. Wallace] Everything alright with you folks? I was getting too soft at that quarter office. I needed to get back down here where the action and greatest stuff happens. What do we got? What are we pitching?

[Cut to Leslie and Beck]

Beck: Um, it’s an ad for Labatto’s. The official cereal of the Labat Blue Brewing company.

[Cut to Mr. Wallace]

Mr. Wallace:  Great, great, great. Lay your smoke around me. Just right down the middle. Give it to me.

[Cut to everybody. Mr. Wallace starts using his nasal hair trimmer]

Beck: Sorry?

Mr. Wallace: This one’s a smoker. Right by me. Right down in the middle. Just was one by me. Come on! Right on my face! With me.

[Cut to Leslie and Beck]

Beck: Okay. So, this smoker is still in the rough stages. But we thought we open in our suburban kitchen, mama’s setting down two  bowls of Labatto’s on the table.

[Cut to Mr. Wallace]

Mr. Wallace: Good. Good.

[Cut to Cecily and Steve]

Cecily: Uh, the dad comes in dressed for work and the son comes down also in a suit.

[Cut to Mr. Wallace]

Mr. Wallace: Ya.

[Cut to Leslie and Beck]

Leslie: The mom says, “Honey, what are you wearing?” He says, “I wanna go to work with daddy today.”

[Cut to Cecily and Steve]

Steve: Yeah. And dad reaches down, tussle his son’s hair a little bit.

[Cut to Cecily, Steve and Mr. Wallace]

Mr. Wallace: Yeah, and the mom’s got huge knockers. Go ahead!

Steve: Sure, sure. That can be part of it.

Mr. Wallace: No, no. It is part of it.

Steve: Sure. So, the mom has huge knockers.

Mr. Wallace: Good! Very good. Ya.

Steve: Exactly. And the kid says, “I want the same breakfast as daddy.”

Mr. Wallace: [interrupting] No, no. You know what it is? [Cut to Mr. Wallace] he looks at knockers and he’s like, “I’ll have what he’s having.” [laughing] That’s very good. Really, that’s very good. What’s the hook though?

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: Um, well, okay, we thought maybe the mom would say, “If you keep keep eating your Labatto’s you can be like your dad.”

[Cut to Cecily, Steve and Mr. Wallace]

Mr. Wallace: Yeah, you cut to the kid and he put down his glasses and he goes right straight at the camera, he goes, “Whaaaat?” And the camera starts jiggling coz the cameraman is laughing. Go ahead.

[Cut to Cecily, Steve and Mr. Wallace]

Cecily: Um, right. The camera jiggles. And the dad puts his arm around the mom, looks at the son, and he says–

Mr. Wallace: [interrupting] He says, “You keep eating that Labatto’s, you’re gonna pork this big old thing.” [laughs] [Cut to Mr. Wallace] And he points to the mom who looks to the camera. She goes, “Whaaaat?” The camera shoots straight up. Straight up. Coz cameraman had a heart attack, he was laughing so hard.

[Cut to Cecily, Steve and Mr. Wallace]

He’s very good guy. He’s nice.

Steve: So, the camera’s just pointing at the ceiling?

Mr. Wallace: Yeah! Yeah, that’s great. [Cut to Mr. Wallace] Then the kid leans into the shot. He looks down and he says, “Houston, we have a boner.” [laughs] [Cut to Cecily, Steve and Mr. Wallace]

Cecily: Oh, my god! Mr. Wallace, your stomach is bleeding.

[Mr. Wallace’s stomach is bleeding all over his shirt.]

Mr. Wallace: Oh, shoot! Oh, god! [Cut to Mr. Wallace] Man! I’ve been flirting with his girl who got my bellybutton pierced. I think she might hit a vessel. Oh boy. Man, things we do for a piece of tail, huh Steve?

[Cut to Cecily, Steve and Mr. Wallace]

Steve: I guess so, sir. Yeah, don’t call me sir. [Cut to Mr. Wallace] That was my dad’s name. Call me Sir Sly. Now, who is another smoker at me?

[Cut to Cecily, Steve and Mr. Wallace]

Cecily: Okay, well, we have a pitch for a Spatz’s family brand ketchup.

Mr. Wallace: Great. What is it?

Cecily: Okay. We open on a backyard barbecue. Grandma is there with her famous special sauce.

Mr. Wallace: Good, good.

[Cut to Leslie and Beck]

Beck: And then, someone put spats on her burger! Grand is–

[Cut to Cecily and Steve]

Steve: A bit set in her ways.

[Cut to Leslie and Beck]

Leslie: So, grandma sees him put the ketchup on.

[Cut to Cecily and Steve]

Cecily: And she starts running over to him.

[Cut to Mr. Wallace]

Mr. Wallace: Yeah, yeah. She trips, falls down. Her face right on the grill. Her head gets on fire. And she’s screaming. Go ahead.

[Cut to everybody]

Cecily: Um…

Steve: Uh, grandpa comes up. Put the fire out.

Beck: Grandma heads towards–

Mr. Wallace: Yeah, yeah, trips and falls faced on the grill this time, catches fire again. Go ahead.

Beck: And then grandpa…

Mr. Wallace: Pulls down his glasses. Go oh.

[Cut to Beck]

Beck: And says, “Whaaaat?”

[Cut to Mr. Wallace being confused.]

Mr. Wallace: Explain!

[Cut to Beck]

Beck: I just..

[Cut to Mr. Wallace]

Mr. Wallace: No, no, no, no. You know what it is? Grandpa says, “You’re a little baby!” And then grandma pops up. By this time her whole old lady face is burnt right off. And now, she’s got a smoking hot babe face. And then, of course, the huge knockers we didn’t notice before. Everyone pulls down their sunglasses and are like, “Houston, we have another boner.” Go on!

[Cut to Leslie and Beck]

Leslie: The camera starts shaking.

Mr. Wallace: Exactly. [Cut to Mr. Wallace] Exactly. The cameraman is dying laughing. The camera flips around, we finally see the cameraman. He’s cool and fun than all of them. He thinks it’s about– Think about that guy, he’s the coolest one of all of em’. All of em’!

[Cut to everybody]

That’s good. Oh god! Jesus!

[Mr. Wallace’s shirt is all soaked in blood]

Everybody: Oh!

Mr. Wallace: Oh, man! This thing is getting worse. Okay, well, you guys keep working. I’ma– I’m gonna go to the hospital.

[ends] [cheers and applause]

Smart Home

Cecily Strong

Michael Keaton

Venessa Bayer

Kate McKinnon

Beck Bennett

Kyle Mooney

[Starts with a husband and wife in their house.]

Cecily: Oh, honey. I’m beginning to think our new neighbors aren’t gonna show up at our get together today.

Michael: Well, that’s surprising. You don’t think they want to get to know us?

Cecily: Well, let me just check outside the door, just in case.

[Cecily opens the door. There are few people outside the door.]

Oh, well. Honey, look. They’re all standing right out here. Now, were you all afraid to knock?

Venessa: Hi there, we’ve been ringing the bell.

[Cut to Michael]

Michael: Oh! That’s right. Our doorbell is currently disabled. And we’re in the process of turning our house into a smart-house.

[Cut to Cecily and the others]

Cecily: That’s right. Come on in. Welcome.

[The neighbors walk in]

Kate: Well, a smart-house? You know, that sounds so neat. What’s that intel?

[Cut to Cecily and Michael]

Cecily: My husband is a professor. He’s great at science. Can I show them the toaster prototype?

Michael: Well, sure, sweetie. You got it going like this.

[Cecily brings in a red toaster. It looks really nice.]

Okay, now. This is a smart-toaster

[Cut to the neighbors.]

Beck: It don’t look any different from a regular toaster.

[Cut to Cecily and Michael]

Cecily: Good eye. Great observation. He hasn’t added science to it yet.

Michael: Yeah, but once I do, it will be able to roll out to meet me wherever I am. And then it’ll use it’s rockets to shoot up and hover at eye level, to receive the toast.

[Cut to the neighbors]

Kyle: Oh, okay. A floating toaster.

[Cut to Cecily and Michael]

Cecily: Absolutely. And that’s not all. It will use percent to tell us how toasted your toast is. Like, it will say, “Mrs. Croford, your toast is 84% toasted.” And it will have human eyes to stare at you while it says that. Honey, turn it around so that they can see the eyes.

Michael: Sure.

[Michael turns the toaster around. It has two eyeballs.]

Now, there are just placed here until I’m able to connect the human eyes to it.

[Cut to the neighbors]

Beck: Oh, how nice.

Venessa: Oh, well, isn’t that something.

Kate: We should probably be going. We left our baby in a tub.

Kyle: That’s right. Um, we were giving our baby a bath.

[Cut to Cecily and Michael]

Cecily: Well, hang on. Just first listen to this other thing. [Cut to everyone] This is gonna be our smart couch.

Michael: Yeah, once I have it scienced to it, of course.

[Cut to Cecily and Michael]

Cecily: Oh, honey. They know that. Now, the idea here is that the smart couch will recognize you from your sitting on it.

Michael: Yeah. Now, how much do you think that’ll work? You, answer.

[Cut to the neighbors]

Beck: Um, I guess the couch recognizes your weight or something.

[Cut to Cecily and Michael]

Michael: Ah! Wrong guess.

Cecily: Yes, exactly. Wrong guess. Every time you sit down, a small tube will go up into your back side to get to know you.

Michael: Yeah. All of our back side interiors are unique. Like, a thumbprint, or a snowflake.

[Cut to the neighbors]

Kate: I don’t think I would like that.

[Cut to Cecily and Michael]

Cecily: You’re telling me you wouldn’t like a couch that called you by your name?

Michael: I bet they’re worried about that tube that goes up inside.

Cecily: Oh, yeah. We’ve heard that before.

Michael: Yeah, tube isn’t that big. You shouldn’t notice it.

Cecily: No, it’s like a sports bottle straw, if you’re familiar.

[Cut to the neighbors]

Venessa: That still seems pretty intrusive.

[Cut to Cecily and Michael]

Michael: No, no. Because it will have eyes on it, so it can see where it’s going.

[Cut to the neighbors]

Kate: So, do you have to sit on the couch naked?

[Cut to Cecily and Michael]

Cecily: [laughing] My word, no. Can you imagine? The tube is sharp enough so that it will go straight through your pants.

Michael: And as it comes back out, it secretes a small amount of pants glue to seal up the hole it made. Would you like for us to pretend to do it?

[Cut to the neighbors]

Venessa: Pretend to do what?

[Cut to Cecily and Michael]

Cecily: Well, sit on the couch and have the tube recognize us, of course.

[Cut to the neighbors]

Beck: No. I think we–

[Cut to Cecily and Michael]

Michael: No, no. Now, remember, I haven’t put any science on it yet. So, this is all still pretending.

[Cecily starts acting]

Cecily: Oh boy, have I had the day! I’m gonna sit on this couch and relax.

[Cecily sits on the couch]

Michael: Uh-huh! At this point a tube will come up.

[Michael pulls up a rod through the couch. It has eyes stuck to it as well.]

It will push in like this. Now, imagine, my wife sitting on this tube. It will look around, you know, to recognize it from the inside.

[Cut to the neighbors]

Kate: Oh, sweet reesy peesy.

Venessa: That’s bigger than a sports drink straw.

[Cut to Cecily and Michael]

Michael: [pretending to be the smart couch] Well, hello there Mrs. Croford. I recognize you from your inside.

Cecily: Oh! Isn’t that nice. I don’t feel a thing.

Michael: Well, that’s coz my tube has human eyes and it knows right where to go.

Cecily: Hey, my pants are gonna be all cut up from you, will they?

Michael: Definitely not. Just provide me 25 minutes to heat up my pants glue. Would you like me to begin that process now?

Cecily: Sure, I’ll sit here very still for 20 minutes while you heat that glue.

[Cut to the neighbors]

Kate: Now, we really do need to go. All of us at once.

[Cut to everybody]

Michael: Alright, alright! But hey, before you go, would you mind signing these non-disclosure agreement?

Cecily: You understand. It’s all patent pending.

Cut to the neighbors]

Beck: This says we agree to kill ourselves together.

[Cut to Cecily and Michael]

Michael: Oh, man! Smart printer printed them wrong form.

Cecily: Alright. Well, just a second, guys. Let me get the printer tube.

[Cecily pulls out a large pipe with eyes]

Now, you won’t feel this. Who wants to go first?