Tag: Season 45

Weekend Update Trump Brushes Off Impeachment Concerns

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[Cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening, everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che. I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: As impeachment gains momentum, president Trump said he may stop referring to the media as ‘Fake News’. And start calling them ‘Corrupt news’. And the media says they may stop referring to him as ‘President Trump’ and start calling him former president Trump.

[Cheers and applause]

Trump has brushed off any concern about impeachment saying, “I’m used to it. It’s like putting on a suit.” Meaning it’s a massive daily struggle that takes up most of his mornings. This week we also started seeing evidence of the white house covering up the Ukraine scandal, like one not all suspicious text that said, “There were no quid pro quos of any kind.” Unfortunately the next text was the wink emoji, cash emoji, crazy wink emoji and then the Guiliani emoji.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Trump keeps saying there was no quid pro quo, which can only mean there was mad quid pro quo. Whenever a guy with like a 30 word vocabulary starts quoting the law in Latin it’s because breaks the law all the time. That’s only something you can learn the hard way. There’s guys that can barely count but can somehow tell you exactly how much cocaine you can get caught with before it’s considered trafficking. That’s three grams, by the way.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Then Trump publicly asked China to investigate Joe Biden, because apparently Trump thinks that’s what presidents should do.

[Cut to video clip of Donald Trump speaking]

Donald Trump: This was not about politics. This is about corruption. And if you look and you read our constitution and many other things, we—I have an obligation to look at corruption. I have an actual obligation and a duty.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: First of all, you’re screaming. Just a thought, maybe don’t hold all your press conferences next to an active helicopter. Also you’re going after Joe Biden for corruption? I mean, the guy lives in Delaware. He still takes a train to work every day. If he’s stealing billions of dollars, he’s waiting a long time to spend it.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Trump hasn’t been handling this impeachment news well. He’s been on a twitter rampage. He’s openly called for China to investigate Joe Biden. It also came out that Trump suggested adding a moat filled with alligators and snakes to his proposed border wall. I don’t know how to say this, but are we sure that it’s okay to make fun of this guy? Did you ever read “Of mice and men”? Remember how Lenny was really strong? What if Trump is really strong? I’ve got a cousin who is also very strong. He loves Alligators too. But we don’t make fun of him. Trump tweeted 800 times in the past month. For context, Crissy Teigen tweeted 218 times. Now obviously I feel like the president should be a lot busier than Crissy Teigen. But if Trump is as strong as I think he is, then good job, big bella.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of Nickelback meme at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Twitter removed an anti-Joe Biden Nickelback meme that was posted by the president.

Michael Che: See, he’s strong.

Colin Jost:  Which is a sentence that if you had said it at any other time in history, would have meant that you were in the middle of a stroke. I also want to point out that Nickelback is Canadian. So Trump was still technically using foreigners to go after Joe Biden.

[The picture changes to Bernie Sanders] In the third quarter of this year, Bernie Sanders raised $25 million and then did what any 78-year-old would do after winning $25 million, he had a heart attack.

Weekend Update Supercentenarian Mort Fellner Returns

Mort Felder … Mikey Day

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set]

Colin Jost: American votes over 700 super centenarians, that’s people over 110 years old and many are making headlines. Here with the super centenarian news is here is Mort Felder.

[Mort Felder slides in]

Mort Felder: Yes, thank you. Hello, Colin. [Cut to Mort Felder and Colin Jost] My wife says you look like a young Errol Flynn.

Colin Jost: Great. So you got some news stories for us, Mort?

Mort Felder: You bet. Here are some of the super things America’s super centenarians are up to.

[Cut to Mort Felder]

Last week, 114 year-old Howard Donahue finally achieved his lifelong dream of experiencing the warm waters of Hawaii.

[Cut to Mort Felder and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Oh, well that’s fun.
Mort Felder: His ashes were spread near the coast on Sunday. He will be missed.

Colin Jost: That’s not where I thought that story was going, Mort.

Mort Felder: Well, yeah. [Cut to Mort Felder] How about 111-year-old Jan Butler, who because the oldest living person to take the bar exam last month. And she passed–

[Cut to Mort Felder and Colin jost]

Colin Jost: Go, Jan!

Mort Felder: –away, moments after completing the task. Rest in peace, Jan.

Colin Jost: Okay, well it’s still a great accomplishment for her.

Mort Felder: Yes, it is. Colin, guess who, 115-year-old Clint Eastwood super fan Eda Kerns finally met?

Colin Jost: Clint Eastwood?

[Cut to Mort Felder]

Mort Felder: Her maker. Eda passed peacefully in her home on Thursday.

[Cut to Mort Felder and Colin]

Colin Jost: Are there any stories with happier endings, Mort?

Mort Felder: Yeah. How about some Showbiz News?

Colin Jost: Love it, great.

Mort Felder: All right. [Cut to Mort Felder] 116-year-old Paul Douglas did his first standup comedy set at the Temple Improv on Friday.

[Cut to Mort Felder and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Hey, that’s good for Paul.

Mort Felder: Yes, he did a very energetic 45-minute set and absolutely destroyed–

Colin Jost: Nice.

[Cut to Mort Felder]

Mort Felder: –his fragile immune system in the process and passed shortly thereafter. I’m just reporting the news. R.I.P, Paul.

Colin Jost: That’s too bad. [Cut to Mort Felder and Colin Jost] I was really excited about that one.

Mort Felder: Hey, time for sports news. Colin, do you like baseball?

Colin Jost: I’m afraid to say, but yes, I do.

[Cut to Mort Felder]

Mort Felder: You do? Well, not as much as Joe Feeney who on Sunday joined the Angels.

[Cut to Mort Felder and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Oh, no.

Mort Felder: No, the Angels baseball team.

Colin Jost: Oh, okay.
Mort Felder: In Anaheim, who honored Joe’s five decades of fandom. He even threw out the first pitch. And the umpire called–

[Cut to Mort Felder and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: A strike?

Mort Felder: 911 when he collapsed on the mound. But Joe remains alive and well.

Colin Jost: Yay! Hi, Joe.

Mort Felder: In our hearts. As he died en route to the hospital.

Colin Jost: Thank you, Mort. Mort Felder with the super centenarian news. For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Good night.

Weekend Update Sen. Elizabeth Warren Fundraises for Her 2020 Campaign

Elizabeth Warren … Kate McKinnon

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost on his set]

Colin Jost: Senator Elizabeth Warren has raised over $24 million in the past three months. Here to comment is senator Elizabeth Warren.

[Elizabeth Warren slides in]

[Cheers and applause]

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren and Colin Jost]

Elizabeth Warren: Hello Colin.

Colin Jost: Hi, senator. Firm handshake. So you raised all of this money without any corporate donations, is that right? That’s right. That’s grass roots. And guess what, mama loves to garden. [Cut to Elizabeth Warren] That’s why everyday I spend for hours taking selfies with every Warby Parker customers in America. And then I unwind by calling all my small donors to personally thank them.

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Oh, right, yes. I assume you do that on Instagram.

Elizabeth Warren: Yes, I’m calling people like Janet in St. Louis [Cut to Elizabeth Warren] who sent me a $2 check and a bogo coupon from Duane Reade. [Cut to Elizabeth Warren and Colin Jost] Mind if I give her a call now?

Colin Jost: It’s not the best time.

Elizabeth Warren: Right, right. Janet, hi, it’s Elizabeth Warren. [Cut to Elizabeth Warren] I wanted to thank you– Oh, it’s bad time? For the middle class? Okay, bye. [Cut to Elizabeth Warren and Colin Jost] That’s Janet. Oh, do you mind if I do a thousand more?

Colin Jost: A thousand? No, we don’t have time for a thousand, I’m sorry. I just wanted to know, that there’s been some big money donors for democrats who said they would rather vote for Trump than you.

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren]

Elizabeth Warren: You’re kidding me. What? The billionaires don’t like me? Oh, no! Look, I’m going to tell them the same thing my grandson told me when he took me to ‘Avengers infinity war’. This ain’t for you. That’s why you don’t like it. But then again, taking big checks from wall street worked great for the last lady running for president. Let me just skip Wisconsin and change my name to email Benghazi while I’m at it.

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Who’s up there?

Elizabeth Warren: My friend.

Colin Jost: You’ve also been in the news because a fringe conspiracy theorist accused of you having a bdsm relationship with a 24 year old Marine.

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren]

Elizabeth Warren: That’s Elizabeth Warren’s vibes for sure. Transactional sex with a younger man. Look, rumors have power when they feel true. What has ever felt less true than a single part of that? If you think I’m in a room with a veteran and I don’t immediately thank him for his service and make sure he’s getting his VA benefits, you’re insane. Also, 24? Any man younger than me by one day is my grandson. But part of that is true. I am into bdsm. Bank-destroying and saving medicare. Woo! So okay, I want to say thank you to all of my donors like Beth in Orlando who sent me this hastily needle pointed pillow that says, “Nevertheless she persists” or Linda in Des Moines who sent me this scary doll of myself. Finally, I’m going to call a young gentleman named Michael in New York.

[phone ringing]

[Cut to Michael Che]

Michael Che: Hello?

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren, Colin Jost and Michael Che]

Elizabeth Warren: Mike, it’s Elizabeth Warren. Thanks for the ten g’s.

Michael Che: No problem.

Colin Jost: Wait, you donated ten grand to Elizabeth Warren?

[Cut to Michael Che]

Michael Che: Yes, I like that she had sex with that marine.

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Elizabeth Warren everyone.

Weekend Update R. Kelly Held without Bail

Michael Che

Colin Jost

[Starts with Michael Che in his set. There’s a picture of a dog and dog food at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A number of companies have started offering plant based dog food options, perfect for anyone who wants to pick up liquid dukie with a plastic bag.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of R Kelly at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Lawyers for R. Kelly, who is being held without bail, are complaining that the singer is only allowed to visit with one of his girlfriends at a time. Worse, visiting hours conflict with their schedule of their middle school.

[The picture changes to a glass of red wine.]

A new study suggests that fathers to be should stop drinking alcohol six months before trying to conceive a child. The study’s goal was to end Ireland.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of a news article at left top corner that says ‘Man Hit in Testicle’.]

Michael Che: A Manhattan attorney has filed a $100,000 lawsuit against a batting cage company after a faulty machinefired a 75mph fastball into his left testicle. I guess, ball one.

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: A new study found cats bond with people like dogs do but they’re too aloof to show it. Which is why I named my cat ‘Dad’.

[Picture changes to a news article with a title ‘Man Can’t Find Car After a Week’.]

A man who drove his car to a music festival still cannot remember where he parked his car a week after the show. We hope you make it back soon, [Picture changes to Pete Davidson] Pete.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of a pet horse at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Residents on Staten Island are upset with a local man who keeps a pet horse in his yard saying the animal smells and attracts flies. You know what else smells and attracts flies? Staten Island.

[Picture changes to a news article ‘Billboard Displays Porn.]

Two people in Michigan accessed the computer billboard along a highway and changed a display to show a pornographic movie. As a result, police say there were a record number of Carjacking.

Weekend Update Chen Biao on US-China Trade War

Chen Biao … Bowen Yang

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set]

Michael Che: Next week China is set to visit the White House and discuss this ongoing trade war. Here to comment is Chinese trade representative, Chen Biao.

[Chen Biao slides in]

Chen Biao: [Speaking in Chinese language]

[Cut to Chen Biao and Michael Che]

Michael Che: I’m sorry, Mr. Biao. Thanks for being here. But sorry, do you speak English?

Chen Biao: Yes, fluently. And that’s what’s called the power move. What’s up Che?

Michael Che: All right. So, as the Chinese trade representative, this must be a stressful time for you, right?

Chen Biao: I mean, [Cut to Chen Biao] you guys increased taxes on our imports, we increase taxes on yours. Meanwhile, I’m in the middle of it all and you know, I hate the attention. JK, I’m balling out right now because I’m the top tariff task master.

[Cut to Chen Biao and Michael Che]

Michael Che: I got to say, this was not the attitude I was expecting from a top Chinese government official.

[Cut to Chen Biao]

Chen Biao: Yes, well I’m running tarrifs. So, this is my time. I’m having my moment. I’m basically the Lizzo of China right now. And turns out I’m 100% that trade daddy. Everyone is texting me on WeChat like, “Oh my god, I’ve loved you since the jump.” And I just leave them unread because booked on blood.

[Cut to Chen Biao and Michael Che]

Michael Che: All right, China can’t keep this going forever.

Chen Biao: Oh, yeah? You need us more than we need you because [Cut to Chen Biao] we can survive without your movie starring the rock. But good luck without iPhones. How can you text us in the middle of the night like, “You up? Can you investigate Joe Biden for me?” Stupid!

[Cut to Chen Biao and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Americans are afraid the trade war might cause a recession. I mean ,is there any fear like that in China?

[Cut to Chen Biao]

Chen Biao: No way, fam. In fact, we’ve just raised our tariff on American soy beans, so save some of your Tempeh for us, Mackenzie.

[Cut to Chen Biao and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Who is Mackenzie?

Chen Biao: I don’t know. Probably some sophomore at Vassar who drinks out of a metal straw and it’s such a performance.

Michael Che: All right, US tariffs on China are going up 30%.

Chen Biao: 30%. Who cares? [Cut to Chen Biao] I get 30% when my waiter has beefy traps. Look, this trade war is tit for tat, baby. And in China we got some tiggle bitties. I’m talking back pay.

[Cut to Chen Biao and Michael Che]

Michael Che: So, are you planning on being in this mode at the White House next week?

Chen Biao: Oh, tots! And look, Don Don, [Cut to Chen Biao] you want to play ball with big red? We actually built our wall. And you can see that from space. We measure time in seasons but you measure it in seasons of ‘Gray Anatomy’. So, step through this, and I will step back in my limited edition lunar new year Air Jordans.

[Cut to Chen Biao and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Chen Biao, everybody.

Chen Biao: I actually liked Hobbs and Shaw a lot. I liked it.

The War in Words William and Lydia

William Macintosh … Mikey Day

Lydia … Phoebe Waller-Bridge

[Starts with History Channel show schedule]

Announcer: You’re watching the History Channel. Coming up at eight, “Hell On Wheels; Hitler’s Secret Super Car.” But now, it’s “The War In Words: Letters From the Front.”

[Cut to pictures of fighter pilot and his wife]

Narrator: The letters of English fighter pilot William Macintosh of the royal air force to his wife, Lydia.

[Cut to William Macintosh writing a letter]

William Macintosh: My dearest Lydia, ever since we crossed the channel to France, I have seen nothing but death and destruction. [Cut to Lydia reading the letter] Yet in this darkness, you provide light. [Cut to William Macintosh] Though I may be in hell, you are my perfect angel. Your husband, William.

[Cut to Lydia writing a letter]

Lydia: Dear William, thank you. Love, Lydia.

[Cut to William Macintosh]

William Macintosh: My dear wife, you’re welcome. In future letters though, if ever at a loss for words, please find some. For your words remind me of the home I miss so dearly. How I long to see you and our son. I even miss that rambunctious dog of ours. Yours, William.

[Cut to Lydia writing a letter]

Lydia: Dear William, I miss our dog, too. Love, Lydia.

[Cut to William Macintosh]

William Macintosh: My dear Lydia. Why do you miss our dog? Is he not with you at home? Please send word that he’s okay. And also send some token of your affection so that I may be reminded of you and our son. Always, yours, William.

[Cut to Lydia]

Lydia: Dear William, I am enclosing a lock of my hair. Hold it close and be safe. Love, Lydia.

[Cut to William Macintosh]

William Macintosh: Lydia, dearest, Perhaps you have been too generous with your gift of hair. You have sent me a vast amount. Have you shorn your head completely bald? Concerned, William.

[Cut to Lydia with her uneven haircut]

Lydia: William, ha-ha, no. Love, Lydia. P.S., give our dog a rub on the belly for me.

[Cut to William Macintosh]

William Macintosh: Lydia, I do not have our dog. He’s clearly run off. As if the day could not get worse, my dear friend Christopher was killed on patrol. The young French woman who cared for him in his final moments told me he died honorably. A shame. Love, William.

[Cut to Lydia]

Lydia: William, so who’s this French bitch you’re talking to? Your wife, Lydia.

[Cut to William Macintosh]

William Macintosh: Lydia, my dear! There is no cause for jealousy. I only have eyes for you, love. My absence is clearly weighing on you. Perhaps a weekend away would raise your spirits. Devotedly, William.

[Cut to Lydia]

Lydia: William, I took your advice and went on a little trip. And would you believe there was a newsreel camera at my hotel. I’m sending a copy of the film. Enjoy the show. Your movie star wife, Lydia.

[Cut to William Macintosh]

William Macintosh: My god, Lydia! I cannot believe what I’ve just seen. You appear to be palling around with Adolf Hitler and his friends as if you were one of the gang. What led to this? I demand an explanation. Your horrified husband, William.

[Cut to Lydia]

Lydia: Dear William, Oh, I see. So when you talk to some French whore, it’s nothing, move on. But when I go to a party where there happens to be a man, it’s “I demand an explanation”.

[Cut to William Macintosh]

William Macintosh: Yes, because it’s Hitler!

[Cut to Lydia]

Lydia: I am only glad your father is not alive to see what a hypocrite you’ve become. Love, Lydia.

[Cut to William Macintosh]

William Macintosh: Darling Lydia, has my father passed away? This is the first time I’m hearing of this. How did he go? Also still rabidly curious about the Hitler of it all. Answer, please. William.

[Cut to Lydia]

Lydia: William, I think your father died of a broken heart. He just couldn’t bear on to go on without your mother. Love, Lydia.

[Cut to William Macintosh]

William Macintosh: My mother passed as well? Darling, I do not think we should write to each other anymore. But know that I love you and our son dearly. Give him a kiss for me and tell him to be brave lad. Love William.

[Cut to Lydia]

Lydia: William, tell him yourself. Love Lydia.

[Cut to William Macintosh with his son]

William Macintosh: Why would you send our 5 year old son to a war zone?

Taylor Swift Lover (Live)

[Starts with Phoebe Waller-Bridge on SNL stage]

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: Ladies and gentlemen, Taylor swift.

[Cheers and applause]

[Music playing]

[Taylor Swift appears in the dark stage]

Taylor Swift: We could leave the Christmas lights up ’til January
This is our place, we make the rules
And there’s a dazzling haze, a mysterious way about you, dear
Have I known you twenty seconds or twenty years?

Can I go where you go?
Can we always be this close forever and ever?
And ah, take me out, and take me home
You’re my, my, my, my lover

We could let our friends crash in the living room
This is our place, we make the call
And I’m highly suspicious that everyone who sees you wants you
I’ve loved you three summers now, honey, but I want ’em all

Can I go where you go?
Can we always be this close forever and ever?
And ah, take me out, and take me home (forever and ever)
You’re my, my, my, my lover

Ladies and gentlemen, will you please stand?
With every guitar string scar on my hand
I take this magnetic force of a man to be my lover
My heart’s been borrowed and yours has been blue
All’s well that ends well to end up with you
Swear to be overdramatic and true to my lover

And you’ll save all your dirtiest jokes for me
And at every table, I’ll save you a seat, lover

Can I go where you go?
Can we always be this close forever and ever?
And ah, take me out, and take me home
You’re my, my, my, my
Oh, you’re my, my, my, my
Darling, you’re my, my, my, my lover

[Cheers and applause]

Taylor Swift False God (Live)

[Starts with Phoebe Waller-Bridge on SNL stage]

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: Once again, Taylor Swift.

[Cheers and applause]

[Cut to a stage filled with lights. There’s a man playing trumpet and Taylor Swift standing.]

[Music playing]

Taylor Swift: We were crazy to think
Crazy to think that this could work
Remember how I said I’d die for you?

We were stupid to jump
In the ocean separating us
Remember how I’d fly to you?

And I can’t talk to you when you’re like this
Staring out the window like I’m not your favorite town
I’m New York City
I still do it for you, babe
They all warned us about times like this
They say the road gets hard and you get lost
When you’re led by blind faith
Blind faith

But we might just get away with it
Religion’s in your lips
Even if it’s a false god
We’d still worship
We might just get away with it
The altar is my hips
Even if it’s a false god
We’d still worship this love
We’d still worship this love
We’d still worship this love

I know heaven’s a thing
I go there when you touch me, honey
Hell is when I fight with you

But we can patch it up good
Make confessions and we’re begging for forgiveness
Got the wine for you

And you can’t talk to me when I’m like this
Daring you to leave me just so I can try and scare you
You’re the West Village
You still do it for me, babe
They all warned us about times like this
They say the road gets hard and you get lost
When you’re led by blind faith
Blind faith

But we might just get away with it
Religion’s in your lips
Even if it’s a false god
We’d still worship
We might just get away with it
The altar is my hips
Even if it’s a false god
We’d still worship this love
We’d still worship this love
We’d still worship this love, hmm

Still worship this love
Even if it’s a false god
Even if it’s a false god
Still worship this love

[Music  ends]

[Cheers and applause]

Royal Romance

Prentis Popplewell … Kate McKinnon

Duchess of Clerkenwell … Phoebe Waller-Bridge

Jimmy J Robertson … Kenan Thompson

Charles, Prince of Wales … Beck Bennett

Duchess of Clerkenwell

[Starts with Royal Romance intro]

Announcer: You’re watching Royal Romance, a BBC special event.

[Cut to Prentis Popplewell]

Prentis Popplewell: Good evening. I’m Prentis Popplewell. When prince Harry fell in love with a gorgeous American Starlet, we all went, “Ah.” But when Meghan Markle wanted to do things a little differently, some went, “Ah.” But this isn’t the first mixed raced royal couple who had to endure this sort of hostility. Tonight, we look back at the lesser known, Duchess of Clerkenwell, and the relationship that almost brought down the entire monarchy. This is Royal Romance.

[Cut to Duchess of Clerkenwell]

Duchess of Clerkenwell: The year was 1972. I had made my first journey to America. And there I met the man of my dreams. His name was Jimmy J Robertson.

[Cut to Jimmy J Robertson]

Jimmy J Robertson: But I was known up and down these streets as thunder stick, and my ass was about to live in a castle.

Prentis Popplewell: Thunder stick was a comedian, street poet, and Blaxploitation actor. Perhaps best known for his films, “The Return of Petey Biscuit Bits” and “Bitch, I Will Shoot You Right In the Face.”

[Cut to Duchess of Clerkenwell]

Duchess of Clerkenwell: But when I met Jimmy, he told me his primary occupation was karate, and I found it so refreshing.

[Cut to a clip from action movie where Jimmy J Robertson is fighting]

[Cut to Duchess of Clerkenwell]

Some of the other royals, they just didn’t understand Jimmy.

[Cut to Jimmy J Robertson]

Jimmy J Robertson: Yeah, I was both ahead of and way behind my times.

[Cut to Charles, Prince of Wales]

Charles: I’ll admit, when my niece brought Thunderstick over, I was a bit skeptical, mainly because he threw a bag of cocaine on the table, and said, “Nobody leaves the room until this big is empty”.

[Cut to Duchess of Clerkenwell]

Duchess of Clerkenwell: Jimmy brought fun to the royal family. He would stay up all night drinking, reciting Limericks about how unattractive our mothers were. Yet he would also vow to have sexual relations with all of them.

[Cut to Jimmy J Robertson]

Jimmy J Robertson: And then I demonstrated exactly how I was going to do it using an ottoman. Wore that thing down the threads.

[Cut to Duchess of Hertfordshire]

Duchess of Hertfordshire: At official events he requested to be introduced as the duke of dookie, and I’ll never forget the poem that he performed.

[Cut to Jimmy J Robertson saying his poem]

Jimmy J Robertson: I got me a palace surrounded by class.

I got two corgis going to bark at your ass.

When I raise my royal scepter, all my lady subjects bow.

They say, damn Thunderstick, give them the thunder now.

Come on red. We doing this?

[Cut to Charles, Prince of Wales]

Charles: He performed that at the christening of Prince William.

[Cut to Duchess of Clerkenwell]

Duchess of Clerkenwell: But for all his foibles. Jimmy helped modernize the monarchy. He knighted the first black American transforming mix-a-lot into sir mix-a-lot. And Jimmy was fabulous with children.

Cut to Jimmy J Robertson telling story to the children]

Jimmy J Robertson: Take a wild ride to Banberry cross. See a fine lady up on a white horse. Rings on her fingers, bells on her palms, that funky bitch was loud when I blew that orgasm out her drawers. You all are 18 right?

[Cut to Duchess of Clerkenwell]

Duchess of Clerkenwell: But the media could be ruthless.

[Cut to Jimmy J Robertson]

Jimmy J Robertson: You better believe they hated my catch phrase, “Take a look at my big black ass”.

[Cut to Duchess of Clerkenwell]

Duchess of Clerkenwell: And in the end we drifted apart.

[Cut to Jimmy J Robertson]

Jimmy J Robertson: Yeah, as much as we had in common, we were from different worlds.

[Cut to Duchess of Clerkenwell]

Duchess of Clerkenwell: Also he cheated on me with a waffle house waitress.

[Cut to Jimmy J Robertson]

Jimmy J Robertson: I did do that, bot it scattered, smothered, and covers, baby.

[Cut to Prentis Popplewell]

Prentis Popplewell: Let’s take a quick break. When we return, a clip from Thunderstick’s Kung Fu censor film “Ho Ho Hi-Ya!” on Royal Romance.

 

Phoebe Waller-Bridge Monologue

[Starts with SNL monologue set. There is a band playing music.]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Phoebe Waller-Bridge.

[Cheers and applause]

[Phoebe Waller-Bridge walks in to the stage]

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: Oh my gosh. Thank you, thank you. Hello, everyone. My name is Phoebe Waller-Bridge. I’m honored to be here hosting SNL. [Cheers and applause] I’m from the UK, which means I find everything embarrassing. And this monologue is probably the most embarrassing thing I’ve ever done. And standing in front of a Jazz band in high heels on live television, joking about my accomplishments – actually that sounds pretty fun. [laughter] Anyway, when I asked, do we have to do this bit? They said, yes, it’s part of your visa.

I wrote and acted in a TV show called ‘Fleabag’. [Cheers and applause] It’s about a woman who is trying to navigate her life in London. People often assume that I’m like the character, Fleabag. Simply because I wrote it. Sexually depraved, foul mouthed, and dangerous. And I always have to say, “Yes, you’re absolutely right.” In fact, everything I write has a degree of truth. And every project is different. I’m not a sex addict because I wrote ‘Fleabag’ but I did write ‘Killing Eve’ because I’m a psychopath. My most exciting ex-boyfriend wrote nothing but was both. [laughter]

It’s a great time to be a psychopath right now. They’re really having a moment, don’t you think? When I was writing ‘Killing Eve’, I did a lot of research on psychopaths. So much so that I did actually start to believe that everyone in my life was one. I told my housemate, I think you might be a psychopath and he responded immediately with, “I have empathy.” Which I found a little unnerving. So, you know, sexy.

‘Fleabag’ came from a very, very personal place for me. It began as a way to get Andrew Scott to dress up as a priest and tell me that he loves me. It took me six years and two seasons to achieve it but I did it. I don’t care about awards, I just want gay men to love me. I called the character ‘priest’ in the script but everyone started calling him ‘hot priest’. Obviously, Andrew is hot. But this priest character caused such a horn storm. Andrew and I were trying to figure out what it was about him that was driving women so mental. And we boiled it down and realized, it was because he was doing this one thing—listening. Just really, really listening. Try it, guys.

But we all find weird things sexy. And women can now speak much more openly about their desires without being burned at the stake, which is nice. I love that. Back in the day, horny women were to be feared and now they’re given Emmys. Sexual conversation for women is expanding. The weirder your fantasy, the more open you are about it, the cooler you are. Oh, you locked your husband in the attic? Rock on, sister. Whereas straight men, these days, you are allowed one fantasy. If you are looking up anything other than a woman in her 30s in the missionary position, you’re a pervert. Burn him!

For a world obsessed with sex, it’s kind of incredible how little attention we actually pay our genitals. When we focus on them or if they get sick or something, then it’s all about them. The rest of the time, they’re just sitting there. They’re just sitting there. Patiently. Like—I mean, just think about how many of them are in this room right now. Think about all the genitals all across America, sat on couches, right now. Just like–

So, to honor their patience at home and here, let’s give them a good time. We have a great show tonight. Taylor Swift is here. So, stick around and we’ll be right back.