The Chosen One

Chad… Pete Davidson

Elf… Mikey Day

Dwarf… Beck Bennett

Centaur… Kenan Thompson

Queen… Cecily Strong

[Starts with Chad playing video game in his room at night.]

[Suddenly, there’s a glowing light in his closet. Chad walks to the closet and opens it. He sees a portal inside and he walks through it. He reaches to a different world where it’s snowing. There are two men and a centaur welcoming him.]

Elf: Welcome. Our prophets told of a savior. He would arrive from another land to free our world from the grip of darkness. What is your birth name?

Chad: Chad.

Centaur: The dark lord Azerhan and his army of shadows has entombed our world in ice and snow.

Dwarf: Only you can defeat him, Chad.

Chad: Okay.

Elf: We must inform the queen of your arrival.

[Queen walks in]

Queen: No need. I felt his presence. I am queen Chrysalis, ruler of Assyria and the nine rivers from Stark to Everseed.

Elf: Okay.

Queen: There was a time when the meadows bloomed. And there is hope that they may bloom again for today marks your coming.

Chad: [giggling] Coming.

Queen: You are the savior of Assyria. So says the prophecy.

All: So says the prophecy.

Chad: Okay.

Queen: But you must undertake a dangerous journey. [Chad is using his phone] You may return to your world at any time if you desire. The choice is yours. But be warned.

Centaur: He left.

Queen: What?

[Elf walks forward]

Go.

Elf: My leige.

Queen: Yes.

[Cut to Chad playing video game in his room. Elf walks in his room through the portal.]

Elf: Chad, why did you leave?

Chad: I was bored.

Elf: Can you come back for a moment? We weren’t done.

Chad: Okay.

[Chad and Elf walk through the portal again]

Queen: Thank you, Chad. You have chosen to follow your destiny.

Dwarf: First, you must climb the mountain of despair.

Chad: Okay.

Centaur: Then ford the river of flame.

Chad: Okay.

Elf: And survive the forest of translucent transgressions.

Queen: And after the veil of evil is lifted, you will become king and I will give you with my virginity.

Chad: Dope! [Chad opens his pants]

Queen: After your journey.

Chad: Oh, okay. [Chad wears his pants back on]

Queen: To aid you on this quest, we give you these items.

Centaur: From the order of the centauri, I present you with this map to guide you. [Centaur passes a map to Chad] Thousands of my kind died beyond the mountains to create it. May they rest with the gods.

[As they are bowing to Chad, the wind blows the map away.]

Dwarf: And from the kingdom of dwarves, I give you the crystal of Gumligin to light your path. [Dwarf puts a crystal necklace on Chad. The crystal is glowing.]

Chad: Gay.

Elf: And from the Elven council, the sword of the great warrior, Ashton. [Elf gives Chad a sword. Chad starts swinging the sword randomly.]

Queen: Safe travels, young warrior. May the great gods bless you.

Chad: Okay.

[Chad turns around and walks away]

Elf: That boy is our last hope.

Queen: I do not see a boy. I see a warrior.

[Chad is holding the sword as if it is his penis]

Chad: Ha-ha. Look!

Dwarf: Hah! It’s like his sword is his penis. Very clever.

[The End]

Weekend Update The Guy Who Just Bought A Boat

Colin Jost

The guy who just bought a boat… Alex Moffat

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Valentine’s day is right around the corner. [Michael Che laughing] Smooth transition. Here are some tips on how to make it a special night, a guy who just bought a boat.

[The Guy slides in]

The Guy: Hey! Jost! Whoa!

Colin Jost: How are you donig?

The Guy: Tres-days, bud. Just looking dapper my friend. Tres-dap. Dap-king. Dap-king  Col. Um, I’m just kidding man. Don’t take it personally. Everybody gets a little– Um, so, V-day. Okay. Let’s get into it. First off, you got that res’, Col?

Colin Jost: I’m sorry, a what?

The Guy: Short for reservache’. [Cut to The Guy] A lot of peeps are going to say that on V-day your girl is going to want to put some sush’ in her boosh’. But I beg to diff’, alright? You’re gonna want to spring for a steak din’, okay? Something with blood. Anywhere with a fireplace, a coat check and a lady maitre d’ with ass for days. I have a small penis. Once you’ve locked down that res’, it’s on to de fleur, okay? A.K.A., that’s French for flowers. I’m talkin’ long stemmers, goys. Nothing drops the slingshot like a dozen redheads. My penis is bad. Pro-tip. Pro-tip for you dudes. Send a dozey’ imports to her office, each and every one for her co-workers is going to blow their Levis. Alright?

[Cut to The Guy and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. Their Levis?

The Guy: Ha-ha-ha. Jost Ma-goats. And tots make boats. Um, listen. I can tell you have never done the V-D right. So, tip numero trios, [Cut to The Guy] um, light a bunch of candles all over your APT. Chicks are like moths, guys. They go crazy for flames. My junk sucks.

[Cut to The Guy and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. At some point, were you gonna talk about boats?

The Guy: Um, I’m getting there, Lassie! You know, Collie, Colin, Colin Jost, it’s a nickname, bro! alright, let’s get this love train a scooting. [Cut to The Guy] Got to teach my peeps how to land-ho! And I don’t have long because I gotta be somewhere later. I won’t say where it is, but it’s not on land.

[Cut to The Guy and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Is it a boat?

The Guy: A lady never tells. [Cut to The Guy] Um, I won’t say, but let me just say this, I’m about to get naughty, Col.

[Cut to The Guy and Colin Jost. The Guy has his palm on his face]

[looking at Colin Jost] Alright, last but not least, [Cut to The Guy] All these tips are wasted unless that arm candy is nice and sweet. If you’re gonna tie yourself down for Doska Torse twenty-k-teen, you wanna be sure she’s a thorough braiders worther salque. Me have a tini-wini.

[Cut to The Guy and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry, you have a what?

The Guy: A boat, Colin!

Colin Jost: Guy who just bought a boat, everyone!