Category:

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 8: Episode 1


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


September 25nd, 1982

Chevy Chase

Queen

None

John Zacherle

Danny DeVito

Gene Siskel

Roger Ebert
Live From BurbankSummary: Chevy Chase appears via live video to explain that, due to a missed flight, he’ll be hosting SNL from Burbank, California, not New York City. A stagehand then accidentally drops the TV set while wheeling Chevy to his first sketch.

Transcript

Montage

Chevy Chase’s MonologueSummary: Chevy Chase addresses the audience from a damaged video screen.

Transcript

Tyrone GreenSummary: African-American artist Tyrone Green (Eddie Murphy) demonstrates his hatred of white people and the violent nature of his work.

Recurring Characters: Tyrone Green.

Transcript

Joe Piscopo Loves Rose KennedySummary: Joe Piscopo announces that he and Rose Kennedy are in love, and asks Rose to marry him.

John Hinckley For PresidentSummary: Ronald Reagan’s would-be assassin (Brad Hall) announces his presidential candidacy, and a duel platform of familiarity with the judicial system combined with outright insanity.

Transcript

Mystery TheatreSummary: Zacherle presents a brief scene in which the Land Shark (Chevy Chase), via satellite, attempts to gain entry into a woman’s (Julia Louis-Dreyfous) residence.

Recurring Characters: Land Shark.

Popiel Galactic ProphylacticSummary: Ron Popeil (Eddie Murphy) touts his amazing steel-reinforced condom and matching diaphragm.

Transcript

Late Night with David LettermanSummary: David Letterman (Joe Piscopo) presents a film from the perspective of his dog, Bob, and interviews guest Gumby (Eddie Murphy).

Recurring Characters: David Letterman, Gumby.

Saturday Night News with Brad HallSummary: Joe Piscopo reports on sports. Brad Hall delivers an editorial on James Watt, then phones him at home and calls him a slime. Father Andrew B. Titus (Tim Kazurinsky) reviews the Reader’s Digest condensed Bible. Chevy Chase reports from Burbank instead of from Beirut.

Transcript

Queen performs “Crazy Little Thing Called Love”

Alan, A Video JunkieSummary: A profile of an adolescent boy who is destructively addicted to video games.

PTC ClubSummary: Preternaturally cheeful “prophet” April May June (Julia Louis Dreyfus) and a televangelist (Brad Hall) advocate the good word of Jesus, and a faith healer (Gary Kroeger) winds his way through the audience.

Recurring Characters: April May June.

Siskel & EbertSummary: Film critics Gene Siskel and Roger Ebert give their critique of the episode while it’s still in progress.

Transcript

Queen performs “Under Pressure”

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 8: 1982-1983


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Starring:

Robin Duke

Mary Gross

Brad Hall

Tim Kazurinsky

Gary Kroeger

Julia Louis-Dreyfus

Eddie Murphy

Joe Piscopo

Episodes

09/25/82: Chevy Chase / Queen

10/02/82: Louis Gossett, Jr. / George Thorogood & The Destroyers

10/09/82: Ron Howard / The Clash

10/23/82: Howard Hesseman / Men at Work

10/30/82: Michael Keaton / Joe Jackson

11/13/82: Robert Blake / Kenny Loggins

11/20/82: Drew Barrymore / Squeeze

12/04/82: Tom & Dick Smothers / Laura Branigan

12/11/82: Eddie Murphy / Lionel Ritchie

01/22/83: Lily Tomlin

01/29/83: Rick Moranis & Dave Thomas / The Bus Boys

02/05/83: Sid Caesar / Joe Cocker

02/19/83: Howard Hesseman / Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers

02/26/83: Beau & Jeff Bridges / Randy Newman

03/12/83: Bruce Dern / Leon Redbone

03/19/83: Robert Guillaume / Duran Duran

04/09/83: Joan Rivers / Musical Youth

04/16/83: Susan Saint James / Michael McDonald

05/07/83: Stevie Wonder

05/14/83: Ed Koch / Kevin Rowland & Dexy’s Midnight Runners

SummaryDon’t question Dick Ebersol – not if you want face-time on “Saturday Night Live” these days. He single-handedly restructured the entire show, altering it from an ensemble production to a one-man showcase of Eddie Murphy’s talents – or so it may seem, since the rest of the cast, save for Joe Piscopo, hardly appear on the show. Mary Gross and Tim Kazurinzky manage to star in a few sketches now and then, but most future audiences are surprised to learn that Julia Louis-Dreyfus began performing on “Saturday Night Live” this season. Not so hard to overlook, since much of the focus of the season surrounded the mysterious assassination of Buckwheat, which spawned a Kennenedy-esque reporting style from news sources around the globe.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 20

81t: Olivia Newton-John

Not a Record Ad

Announcer…..Joe Piscopo

Announcer: How many times has this happened to you?

[ image: Tony Orlando ]

Announcer: Tony Orlando comes into your home —

[ image: living room set ]

Announcer: and rearranges your furniture. Well, this may never need happen again, thanks to this remarkable ad you are now watching. And, despite the fact that we mentioned Tony Orlando —

[ image: Tony Orlando ]

Announcer: This is NOT a record ad!

[ image: record album, with flashing SUPER: “Not A Record Ad” ]

Announcer: Yes, you’ve seen our commercial for the Imitation Nun…

[ image: a nun ]

Announcer: The Odorless Light Bulb…

[ image: light bulb, with SUPER: “It’s Odorless” ]

Announcer: And, of course, the revolutionary new Mr. Garlic.

[ image: aeroseol canister ]

Announcer: So… if you send before Midnight tonight, you’ll save yourself the time, the cost, and the aggravation of having to do it tomorrow. So don’t be fooled by ANYTHING you hear in this commercial, because…

[ image: record album, with flashing SUPER: “Not A Record Ad” ]

Announcer: This is NOT a record ad!

[ image: Dentist working on patient ]

Announcer: Imagine the savings on dental bills alone!

[ image: series of rodents ]

Announcer: Never be bothered again by pesky, small animals… billing their costly long-distance calls to YOU!

[ image: woman in record store, with flashing SUPER: “Not A Record Ad” ]

Announcer: This ad is NOT available in any store. So say goodbye to annondized aluminum, and NO salesman will ever call!

[ image: record album, with large “X” over disclaimer: ]

Announcer: Offer null where void. California residents slightly higher.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Ebony & Ivory

Producer…..Tim Kazurinsky
Frank Sinatra…..Joe Piscopo
Secretary…..Tony Rosato
Stevie Wonder…..Eddie Murphy

[ open on a Recording Studio ]

Producer: Everything’s ready. We’re all set to record, as soon as he gets here, Mr. Sinatra.

Frank Sinatra: [ turns around ] Good.. good.. good. Son, come here. Come here. [ grabs his shoulder ] How does the album sound so far?

Producer: Oh, it’s excellent, Mr. Sinatra.

Frank Sinatra: Thank you, thank you, that’s very nice. I want to do some tunes that the young people will enjoy. That’s why I’m calling this album “Frank Sings Tunes the Young People Will Enjoy”.

Secretary: [ opens door and peeks in ] Uh.. excuse me, Mr. Sinatra, Sir? He’s here.

Frank Sinatra: Show him in.

[ Secretary pulls Stevie Wonder into the recording studio ]

Frank Sinatra: Stevie Wonder! Stevie Wonder! You are aptly named! Like I’ve said many times, you are truly a wonder!

Stevie Wonder: Thank you, Frank.

Frank Sinatra: Let me ask you something: Do you do your own hair?

Stevie Wonder: Uh.. no, I don’t.

Frank Sinatra: Then you’ve got no excuse! Little joke, Stevie, it looks great. Come on over here to the piano. It’s right in front of you, my friend. [ Stevie sits ] You alright there?

Stevie Wonder: You know, Frank, I feel it is a.. tremendous honor to be.. recording with you.

Frank Sinatra: Thank you, Stevie. I feel the same. I am very much into that tune you do with the Beatle kid – uh, what’s his name? The one that looks like a broad?

Stevie Wonder: His name is Paul McCartney, Frank.

Frank Sinatra: Yeah, yeah, yeah.. that’s the dude. Uh.. would you be so kind as to run down that song for me, Stevie? Please?

Stevie Wonder: Alright. [ plays piano ] “Ebony and Ivory
live together in perfect harmony
Side by side on my..”

Frank Sinatra: [ interrupting ] Stevie, Stevie.. hold it, Stevie. Now, something tells me that this is more than a song about playing the piano.

Stevie Wonder: Uh.. uh.. Frank, it’s about racial equality and unity of all people.

Frank Sinatra: Well, uh.. I don’t understand. When I think of Ebony, I think of a magazine that most people do not buy. And when I think of Ivory, I think of a soap that floats.

Stevie Wonder: Ebony and Ivory are the black and white keys on the piano, Frank.

Frank Sinatra: Alright, Stevie, I know that. You know that. But it’s too artsy for the public – capiche? Now, I talekd to the master, Sammy Kahn. Now, Sammy is a marvelous, marvelous songwriter – no offense, Stevie. And, uh.. Sammy thinks we should go with something like Chocolate and Vanilla. Or, how about this: “Life is an Eskimo Pie, why don’t we take a bite?”

Stevie Wonder: I’m afraid that might be a bit offensive to some people.

Frank Sinatra: Hey, who cares what the Eskimos think – they don’t buy records, huh? [ thinking ] Okay, Stevie.. let’s see.. Ebony and Ivory, huh? Ebony and Ivory.. [ stops ] Hey, Stevie, waht the hell are we beating around the bush for? This is 1982. Let’s get right to the point! Huh? Hey, take it from the top. Swing it, Stevie! With a bounce, baby! [ sits next to Stevie ]

[ Stevie starts the song again ]

Frank Sinatra: “You are black, and I am white
Life’s an Eskimo Pie, let’s.. take a bite!
That was groovy thinkin’
Lincoln, when you set them freeeeeee…

We all know
Cats are the same
Maine to Mexico.
Good. Bad.
Guys and chicks!”

Stevie Wonder: “I am dark, and you are light.”

Frank Sinatra: “You are blind as a bat, and I have sight!
Side by side, you are my amigo,
Negro, let’s not fiiiiiiiight!”

Stevie Wonder: “Ebony, ivory
Living in perfect harmony.”

Frank Sinatra: “Salt and pepper,
Sammy and Dean
Stevie and me are peachy keen!”

Stevie Wonder: “You are white.”

Frank Sinatra: “You are black – and who cares!”

Who cares, baby!

[ zoom out to fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 20


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


May 22nd, 1982

Olivia Newton-John

Olivia Newton-John

Michael Davis

Graham Chapman

Akira Yoshimura

Andy Murphy
Ladies’ RestroomRecurring Characters: Paulette Clooney.

Montage

Olivia Newton-John performs “Physical”

TransEastern AirlinesNote: Repeat from 10/07/81.

Ebony & IvoryRecurring Characters: Frank Sinatra, Stevie Wonder.

Transcript

I Married A MonkeyRecurring Characters: Tim.

Hitler in HeavenRecurring Characters: Adolph Hitler, Rod Serling.

Not a Record AdSummary: Call now to order this exciting product that is not a record!

Transcript

Olivia Newton-John performs “Make a Move on Me”

SNL Newsbreak with Brian Doyle-Murray

Michael Davis

Business Talk

Grease

Sports Organ Classics

Olivia Newton-John performs “Landslide”

The ClamsNote: Repeat from 10/03/81.

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 19

81s: Danny DeVito / Sparks

The Whiners

Doug Whiner…..Joe Piscopo
Wendy Whiner…..Robin Duke
Stewardess…..Mary Gross
Passenger…..Danny DeVito
Other passengers…..Yvonne Hudson, Neil Levy, Liz Welch

[ open on passengers boarding an airplane, including: ]

Wendy Whiner: Ohhhh ohhhhh…

Doug Whiner: Thaaaank youuuu.

Wendy Whiner: It’s SO crowd-ed!

Doug Whiner: Ohhhhh, there’s probably no more good magaZINES left!

Wendy Whiner: Honey… What are our seat numberssss?

Doug Whiner: 32-B and Ceeeee!

Wendy Whiner: Ohhhh, here they are, honeyyyyy…

[ they sit next to a fellow passenger ]

Doug Whiner: Ohhhhhhh, but honey, I wanted to sit in the No Smoking section! [ to fellow passenger ] Excuse meeeee? We’re Doug and Wendy Whinerrrrrrr.

Passenger: Oh, uh… well, how are you?

Doug Whiner: We’re allergiiiic.

Passenger: I’m sorry.

Doug Whiner: To smo-o-o-o-ooke!!

Wendy Whiner: We’re all-er-gic to smo-o-o-o-oke!!

Passenger: Oh, alright. I-I won’t smoke.

Doug Whiner: Ohhhhhhh, thank youuuuuu… thank you.

[ the Stewardess hands a blanket to a passenger, then approaches the Whiners ]

Stewardess: Excuse me, Ma’am — You’ll have to store your package beneath the seat in front of you.’

Wendy Whiner: But it’ll stick OUT, and I won’t have any room for my FEEEEEEET!

Stewardess: [ to Doug ] Sir, could you store it beneath the seat in front of you?

Doug Whiner: But MY legs are longer than herrrrrrs!

[ they both turn sheepishly to look at the short passenger seated next to them ]

Passenger: Alright, I’ll — I’ll put it under my seat. [ he grabs Wendy’s package ]

Wendy Whiner: Thank you. Be CARefulllll…

Doug Whiner: It’s Blue Willow chinaaaaaaaaa!

Wendy Whiner: Honeyyyy? Honey, I feel a dra-a-a-a-aft! Would you turn your air vent o-o-o-offfff?

Doug Whiner: Oh, but mine is o-o-o-offfff…

Wendy Whiner: Oh, but, then WHY do I feel a dra-a-a-a-aftttt??

[ they both turn sheepishly to look at the short passenger seated next to them ]

Passenger: Alright, alright! I’ll turn mine off! [ he stands to turn the vent off ]

Wendy Whiner: Be carefulllll of the CHI-naaaaaa!

Passenger: Okay, I won’t kick the china. Don’t worry about it. [ he sits ]

Wendy Whiner: [ fidgeting ] Ohhhhh! It’s STILL co-o-o-o-olddddd!!

Doug Whiner: Ohhhhh… STEWARDESSSSSSSS!!!

[ the Stewardess throws a blanket at the Whiners ]

Doug Whiner: Can I have a pillo-o-o-o-owwwww??

[ their fellow passenger shoves a pillow into Doug’s face ]

Doug Whiner: Thannnnnkkk youuuuu…

[ Doug and Wendy cuddle up between the one pillow, making obnoxiously loud cooing noises together ]

Stewardess: Would anyone like a headset?

[ all the other passengers raise their hands in great excitement, surround the stewardess. Doug and Wendy also grab a pair. ]

Doug Whiner: Mmmmm… mine isn’t workinggggggg!!

Wendy Whiner: Oh, me neitherrrrr!

Doug Whiner: Ohhhh, I can’t hear a THINGGGG!!

Wendy Whiner: Sir?

Doug Whiner: Excuse me, Sirrrrr? [ he unplugs the passenger’s headset and yells into it ] EXCUSE MEEEEE!!!

Passenger: OWWW!!! [ he pulls off his headset ] WHAT?!!

Doug Whiner: Our headsets aren’t workingggggg!

Passenger: Well, you have to plug them in here! [ he rises ]

Doug Whiner: Don’t kick the chinaaaaa…

Passenger: Alright! I won’t kick the china! Just let me put — [ he plugs in the headsets for them ] Plug it in!

Doug Whiner: Ohhhh, thank youuuuu!

Wendy Whiner: [ happy ] Ohhhhhh!

Doug Whiner: [ singing along ] “Kissssss the day goodbyyyyyye!”

Together: [ singing ] “Point me towards tomorrowwwwww!! ]

[ the Stewardess addresses the passengers ]

Stewardess: Ladies and gentlemen — I’m sorry to announce that today’s flight has been overbooked. At this time, we are asking for volunteers to give up their seats and catch us on a later flight —

[ suddenly, all the other passengers jump to their feet and rush past the stewardess ]

Stewardess: — We’re sorry for the inconvenience, thank you!

[ the passenger next to the Whiners stands ]

Wendy Whiner: Be CAREful of the chinaaaaaa!

[ the Whiners close their eyes and continue singing along with the headset ]

[ in frustration, the passenger finally kicks the shit out of the package beneath his seat ]

Passenger: HUH?! [ he grabs the package and shakes it in front of their closed eyes ] HERE’S YOUR CHINA!! [ mimicking them ] Be careful with the chinaaaaaaa…!!

[ finally, he exits the airplane ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

http://cabletelevisionbundles.s9.com/ | Special Cable TV Promotions | http://www.chartercabledeals.org/

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 19

81s: Danny DeVito / Sparks

“Taxi” Finale

Louie DePalma…..Danny DeVito

[ Music Open: “Taxi Theme” ]

[ open on taxi cab driving across Brooklyn Bridge, facing camera ]

[ camera pans left to view New York City skyline behind bridge ]

[ dissolve to camera looking out front window of cab, to view the street ]

[ camera pans right to show ABC Building coming into view ]

[ cab slows down; ABC symbol statue positioned outside passenger window ]

[ fade to black ]

[ open on medium shot, cab passenger door open, Louie DePalma sitting in agony ]

[ face straining, Louie looks towards ABC building and shakes his head, trying to convince himself not to do what he had planned ]

[ his mind made up, Louie picks up a remote control device and slams his finger against the button ]

[ cut to side of ABC Building being torn apart by explosion caused by Louie ]

[ cut to close-up, Louie, smiling maliciously ]

[ screen shifts to medium shot, Louie stands up, raises leg and extends arm in typical Louie DePalma victory stance ]

[ scene freezes, fades to black ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 19

81s: Danny DeVito / Sparks

Table Talk

…..Tony Rosato
Wine Steward…..Nate Herman

[ open on Tony Rosato examining the wine list at a restaurant ]

Wine Steward: I’d, uh — I’d suggest the Bouton C’aday, Sir.

Tony Rosato: Excellent! That’s EXACTLY what I was going to order! THank you very much.

[ the Waiter exits ]

Tony Rosato: [ into the camera ] Hi! I’m Tony Rosato. Welcome to “Table Talk”! You know, being Italian, people naturally assume that I know everything there is to know about selecting wines. And, actually, I know NOTHING! Absolutely NOTHING about selecting wines. You know, how many times have you gone to a restaurant and been handed, like, a 75-page wine list in 12 different languages? Okay? And you always get sucked into buying a $50 bottle of wine from the Easter Islands or something. Well, tonight, I’m gonna show you how to BEAT Mr. Wine Steward at his own game. Now, the first thing he’ll do, is he’ll offer you the cork.

[ the Wine Steward returns with a bottle ]

Wine Steward: Sir…?

Tony Rosato: [ to the camera ] Now, don’t ask me why they always seem to do that. I always used to say, “Thanks” and drop it in the ash tray. But what he wants you to do is smell it.

[ Rosato smells the cork ]

Tony Rosato: Ah! [ slyly, to the camera ] Notice how my “Ah” is non-committal. In his eyes, I’m still a connoiseur.

[ the Wine Steward pours some wine into a glass and hands it to Rosato ]

Tony Rosato: [ to the camera ] Now, he’ll just give me enough to taste. Notice how they never give you enough to realize how bad the bottle is until you BUY the whole thing, right? Okay. And this is the most important part: Tasting. Now, remember — Don’t whip it back like a shot glass, okay? It’s a dead giveaway. And don’t gargle with it, either.

[ Rosato takes a sip and savors the taste ]

Tony Rosato: [ to the camera ] Now, here’s where you can really get one up over your waiter — Becasue whether you like this or not, you don’t like it. Okay? So I suggest this. [ he turns to the Wine Steward ] Uh, excuse me?

Wine Steward: Yes?

Tony Rosato: If I wanted a bottle of SWEAT, I would have ORDERED it! Would you TAKE this away, please?!

[ the Wine Steward silently takes the bottle and exits ]

[ Rosato laughs maniacally into the camera ]

Tony Rosato: Now, where’s this guy off to? Well, he’s off to get you another bottle of the exact stuff you just sent back. Right? Now, by the way — You know he’s on to you if he comes back and suggests a HOUSE wine that looks like this: [ he holds up a wine bottle wrapped in a paper bag ] Or, if he gives a bottle with a duck on it, stamped “Wednesday.” Now, don’t fall for this stuff, okay? These are your sparkling wines, or your carbonated wines. Okay? I don’t trust these, because these aren’t real wines. They’re like closet soft drinks, you know? Wines that think they’re wines, but they’ve always wanted to be a 7-Up or something…

[ the Wine Steward returns ]

Wine Steward: I’d suggest this, Sir… [ opens the bottle and pours ]

Tony Rosato: [ to the camera ] Remember: [ he whispers ] You don’t want this… [ he takes the glass of wine ] Thank you. [ he sips the wine, then spits it across the table ] THIS IS DISGUSTING!! [ he flings the leftover into the Wine Steward’s face ] BRING ME ANOTHER BOTTLE, AND HURRY!!

[ the Wine Steward silently takes the bottle and exits ]

Tony Rosato: WHAT KIND OF A RESTAURANT ARE YOU RUNNING HERE?!! [ he laughs maniacally into the camera ] That works every time! Alright, now, not only is tghis guy totally intimidated, but he’s also out two bottles of vino, okay? so you can be well and sure that ANYTHING he brings back is BOUND to be on the house! And, if you’re like me, you don’t mind having a bottle of bad wine…if it’s free.

[ the Wine Steward returns ]

Wine Steward: This one’s on the house, Sir. [ he pours the wine ]

[ Rosato smiles into the camera ]

Tony Rosato: Thank you. [ he sips and savors the wine ] Ah… Excellent!

[ defeated, the Wine Steward touches the bottle of wine one last time before he exits ]

Tony Rosato: Well — Join me again next week on “Table Talk”, and I’ll show you how to stuff an ENTIRE salad bar into a doggie bag! So long!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

http://cabletelevisionbundles.s9.com/ | Special Cable TV Promotions | http://www.chartercabledeals.org/

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 19

81s: Danny DeVito / Sparks

Executive Stress Test

Bill Hoskins…..Danny DeVito
Secretary…..Christine Ebersole
Mary Hoskins…..Mary Gross
Miguel…..Tony Rosato
Don…..Joe Piscopo
Drug Dealer…..Eddie Murphy
J.P.G…..Brian Doyle-Murray

[ open on Bill Hoskins standing in his office, as the phone buzzes ]

Bill Hoskins: Hello? Yes?

Secretary: Mrs. Hoskins is on the phone.

Bill Hoskins: Good! [ he grabs the phone ] Hello, honey? Hello, honey, can you hear me? Oh, wait a secod. [ he puts her on speakerphone ] Honey, can you hear me?

Mary Hoskins: Sure!

Bill Hoskins: Oh, good! Order the lawn furniture, honey! I did it! You’re now talking to a Senior Vice-President!

Mary Hoskins: Oh, darling, that’s wonderful!

Bill Hoskins: For fifteen years, I’ve been working my tail off and, FINALLY, somebody noticed!

Mary Hoskins: Of course, they did! You’re the BEST!

Bill Hoskins: Oh, honey! In ten minutes… I’m gonna be heading to the 43rd Floor, where I’m wining and dining with J.P.G. and the whole board of directors!

Mary Hoskins: Oh, darling, I love you!

Bill Hoskins: I couldn’t have done it without you, honey! You’re a real champ! [ he blows kisses into the phone ]

[ his Secretary enters ]

Secretary: Excuse me, Mr. Hoskins?

Bill Hoskins: I’ll call you right back, honey! [ he hangs up ]

Secretary: I just want to say, Mr. Hoskins, that it’s been a wonderful experience working with you.

Bill Hoskins: Well… by the way, Beth… If you don’t mind a rather SUBSTANTIAL pay hike, I’d like to bring you aboard! I already cleared it with Personnel.

Secretary: [ stammering ] Oh, I — I — I — [ she salutes ] I’m mighty glad to be aboard!

Bill Hoskins: [ he salutes back ] At ease!

[ the phone rings ]

Secretary: [ answering ] Mr. Hoskins’ office. Just a moment, please. [ to Bob ] It’s Mrs. Hoskins.

[ he puts his wife on speakerphone ]

Bill Hoskins: Yeah?

Mary Hoskins: Oh, I’m sorry to bother you, darling, but I forgot to remind you that we’re supposed to have dinner tonight with the Harrisons, and — [ she begins panting wildy ] Oh, no…! Ohhhh…!

Bill Hoskins: [ confused ] Mary! Mary, are you alright?!

Mary Hoskins: [ panting ] My phone…! Give me that phone!

Miguel: No! No, my baby! Tell him NOW! Tell him of the deep feeling between us!

Bill Hoskins: MARY!! MARY!! Who is that man?!!

Mary Hoskins: Ohhh, he’s just a… OHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

[ the phone goes dead ]

Bill Hoskins: Did you HEAR that?!

Secretary: I’m… sure she’ll have a very convincing explanation, Mr. Hoskins…

Bill Hoskins: I should… I should call her!

[ Don enters ]

Don: Heyyyyyy, Billy! Congratulations, you son of a gun, youuuuu!

Bill Hoskins: Hello, Don! Don! Thanks! Thank you! [ they hug ]

Secretary: You have six minutes, Mr. Hoskins.

Bill Hoskins: Alright!

[ she exits ]

Don: Just wanted to tell you, pal — No hard feelings, I think the BEST man won!

Bill Hoskins: Oh, that is BEAUTIFUL, Don! I know how much you wanted this job.

Don: Wellll, I’m a team player, Bill, what can I tell you?

Bill Hoskins: Well, you’re a real stand-up guy, Don! You know, I really thought they were gonna give it to you! I mean, you’ve got seniority, you’ve got more experience, you’ve got an I.Q. that makes me look like a tree slug!

Don: [ laughing ] That’s true! But, you know what? You’ve got something special, and a LOT more valuable: Natural Leadership! Yeah! And let me tell you something else, Billy baby: I’m gonna be behind you EVERY step down the line!

Bill Hoskins: Awwww! Don, Don, like I said, you are a stand-up guy!

[ a Black man enters the office ]

Secretary: STOP!! YOU CAN’T GO IN THERE!!

Bill Hoskins: Say, hey! Who are you?

Drug Dealer: Hey, be cool, man! I got your ounce! [ he drops a baggie in Bill’s hand ]

Bill Hoskins: Well, what…? Wait! What is this?! What is this stuff?!

Don: It looks like an illegal addictive drug to me, Bill! [ he laughs ]

Bill Hoskins: What…?!

Drug Dealer: You know, to be perfectly honest, man, you should stop freebasing your blow — You’re gonna kill yourself.

Bill Hoskins: Hey, hey! Hey, hey, I don’t know what THAT means, and I son’t know who YOU are, so get the hell out of here and take this stuff WITH you, Buster!

Drug Dealer: Buster? Hey, yo — Look, man, you better give me the money you owe me, or I’m gonna bust you in your FACE, man!

Bill Hoskins: [ into his phone ] Beth?! Call Security!

Drug Dealer: Yo, what is this, man? I been carrying you for a whole month, you gonna call Security on me? [ he opens a switchblade ] I’m gonna cut your THROAT!

Bill Hoskins: Hey, hey! Hey! Hey!

Don: [ laughing ] Bill, you’d better give your dealer what he wants, pal, huh?

Bill Hoskins: Hey, hey — What are you, crazy?! I’ve never seen this man before in my life!

Don: Hey, pal, look — You guys are talking business! Three is a crowd. Uh, I’ll see you later.

Bill Hoskins: Hey, some stand-up guy you are!

Don: I guess the best man won after all, huh, Billy, huh? [ he mimes taking a snort, then exits ]

[ Secretary storms in ]

Secretary: YOU ANIMAL!! I just got my results back from the company physical! You’ve given me HERPES SIMPLEX!! It’s INCURABLE!! I’m RUINED for LIFE!!

Bill Hoskins: I’m sorry…!

Secretary: I just called your wife, and as soon as she’s able to talk, I’m gonna tell her that she’s got, it, too! And so does that damn gardener — Miguel!! [ she grabs the phone and puts it on speaker ]

Drug Dealer: Hey, man, you got no class at all, you know that?

[ over the phone, Mrs. Hoskins pants furiously ]

Miguel: Awwwwww, we will tell him together, my honey…! We will spend all his money!

Mary Hoskins: Ohhh, you’re so BOSS, my darling…! Ohhhh, yes!!

Bill Hoskins: Mary!! For God’s sake, Mary!!

Secretary: [ to the Drug Dealer ] Give it to him!

[ the Drug Dealer grabs Bill by the tie and holds his switchblade in front of Bill’s face ]

Bill Hoskins: No, no! Please! Please, no! Please!! No, no, no! Please, don’t!

[ suddenly, everyone in the room begins to clap ]

J.P.G.: Bravo! Bravo, everybody! Bravo! Just great! [ to the Drug Dealer ] You were terrific, young man! Miss Rogers has your check.

Drug Dealer: Thank you, Sir! It was a great part! Nice working with you, Mr. Hoskins. Good luck with your future. Y’all take it easy. [ he exits ]

Bill Hoskins: [ surprised ] J.P.G.?!

J.P.G.: [ laughing ] That’s right! That Captain of this great big schooner of ours! How do you feel?

Bill Hoskins: Well… I’m a little shaky, but I feel okay…

J.P.G.: Perfect! Perfect! Listen, you just passed our Human Reliability Executive Stress Test! [ he laughs ]

Secretary: Mr. Hoskins, you were just WONDERFUL!

Mary Hoskins: Oh, darling, I’m so PROUD!! And wasn’t Miguel just terrific?

Miguel: Muchos gracious, eh, Mr. Hoskins?

J.P.G.: You see, Hoskins — Before we move a man into a top management slot, we’ve gotta make sure that he WON’T crack under ANY pressure at all! You know? THe best scientific minds have devised these stress tests.

Bill Hoskins: Well, I-I hope I-I measured up to your expectations…

J.P.G.: [ he laughs boisterously ] You were WONDERFUL! Listen — anybody else, a normal mind, would have SNAPPED with what you just went through! Hoskins, you’ve got the RIGHT stuff!

Bill Hoskins: Sir, this is the PROUDEST day of my life!

J.P.G.: I’ll bet you worked up quite a little appetite, huh?

Bill Hoskins: Yeah.

J.P.G.: How about a little lunch on the 43rd Floor? [ he laughs ]

Bill Hoskins: Sounds good to ME, Sir! Sounds good to me! Oh — Oh, Sir, I’ve got a little surprise for you, too!

J.P.G.: Really?

Bill Hoskins: Yes! If you wouldn’t mnid waiting for me by the elevator… I’ll be right there!

J.P.G.: Sure, Hoskins! [ he laughs, then exits ]

[ Bob Hoskins returns to his desk, picks up the switchblade, then points it in J.P.G.’s wake and follows behind him ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 19

81s: Danny DeVito / Sparks

SNL Newsbreak with Brian Doyle-Murray

…..Brian Doyle-Murray
…..Christine Ebersole
Dr. Jack Badofsky…..Tim Kazurinsky
…..Mary Gross
Lou Grant…..Tony Rosato

Announcer: And now, “SNL Newsbreak,” with Mary Gross, Christine Ebersole, and Brian Doyle-Murray.

Brian Doyle-Murray: Good evening, I’m Brian Doyle-Murray. Mary Gross is on assignment, Christine Ebersole is here. Our top story tonight:

Saturday’s New York Daily News reports that Nancy Reagan has not returned the $100,000 in diamonds that she borrowed from a New York jeweler to wear at last year’s Inaugural Ball. Mrs. Reagan could not be reached for comment, but she was seen pursuing her newest hobby: planting things in the White House lawn.

[picture of the god Thor] This week, Alexander Haig, attempting to bring a quick end to the Falklands air war, often replaced the British Harrier jets lost in combat with Braniff airliners. The lobby was rejected because the planes were the wrong color.

In an attempt to raise money for the war effort, Argentina held a telethon last week in which they collected over four million dollars in contributions. However, with their inflation running at 142%, government officials were forced to strip foreign newsmen naked in order to provide uniforms for the Argentine army.

Christine?

Christine Ebersole: The Soviet endorsement of Argentina has created a new coalition of Argentinean fascism and Russian communism, and political analysts have already given it a new name. It’s called “Gaucho Marxism.” [some groans; Christine pauses for a moment]

Alexandr Soljenitsin this week rejected a White House luncheon invitation. The exiled Soviet author said the meeting with other Soviet dissidents was a symbolic gesture, and he disapproved of it. President Reagan accepted the turndown, and replaced him with his original first choice: comedian Shecky Greene.

Now here with a summer health tip is “SNL Newsbreak” science editor Dr. Jack Badofsky.

[pan to Dr. Jack; applause]

Dr. Jack Badofsky: A- A- A lot of doctors are telling you how dangerous the summer sun’s rays can be. So here’s my summer tip: watch out for creatures that are foaming at the mouth. That’s right. Summer is a prime time for abdivorus, commonly known as rabies.

[holds up a stack of cards, which he reveals one at a time]

“Rabies.” But I doubt that you are aware of the many strains of rabies that you can fall victim to. For example, should you be bitten by an ownerless dog, that’s “Straybies.” And a foaming French poodle can give you “Qu’est-ce Que-C’estbies.”

A- A mad Mexican hairless can give you “Alejandro-Reybies,” a crazed reindeer can inflict “Sleighbies,” a spider bite can lead to “Curds- and-Wheybies,” and a demented gorilla’s a potential killer with “Fay- Wraybies.”

A grandmother frothing at the mouth can inflict “Crochetbies,” and being bitten by a stuttering bigot can lead to “K-K-K-bies.” Getting bitten by Elmer Fudd can give you a real painful case of “Waybies,” and if you’re making love to a woman and you finish before she does, she’s liable to get mad and bite you. That’s “Mislaybies.” [applause]

I was once bitten by my former wife and got “Ex-Raybies.” She was a radiologist. [some groans] A bite by a wry humorist can give you “Carawaybies.” [more groans] That’s a wry humorist…OK.

Being bitten by a rabid rabbi can get you “Oy-Veybies,” [applause] and if you leg gets chomped on by a crazy poet, that’s “Edna-St.-Vincent- Milaybies.” And “Paraguaybies” is what you get if you’re bitten by two mad Latin American homosexuals.

Linda Lovelace could get you “Fellabies”—

Christine Ebersole: Alright, OK, that’s enough. Thank you very much. [applause] Brian?

Brian Doyle-Murray: The opening of “Annie” is scheduled for next week. The producers have mounted a ten-million-dollar media blitz to publicize the motion picture. Every star has been available for interviews for weeks, and now our own Mary Gross has an “SNL” exclusive. Come in, Mary.

[cut to Mary Gross sitting on a park bench with a dog]

Mary Gross: Hello Brian! Well, here I am in Central Park, and it’s really quite lovely.

Brian Doyle-Murray: Well, who do you have for us to, to—uh, who do you have for us?

Mary Gross: Cat got your tongue? Speaking of cats, Brian, this is Sandy, who plays Little Orphan Annie’s dog in the movie. It’s an honor to have you on our show, Sandy!

[holds up a large speech bubble that reads “Arf!” The dog tries to jump off the bench]

Wow, this is fun. Live television gets him a little nervous. Tell me, what was it like working with John Huston?

Brian Doyle-Murray: Mary, Mary?

Mary Gross: Yeah?

Brian Doyle-Murray: Uh, I think you’ve done it again, Mary. That is not Sandy. He doesn’t even look like Sandy, Mary.

Mary Gross: Brian, he’s not wearing any makeup!

Brian Doyle-Murray: Well, I don’t believe it. It’s an imposter!

Mary Gross: Well, maybe this will help. Hold on there, boy. Whoa!

[lets the dog jump off the bench while she puts on a large red wig]

Here we go. This is fun, huh?

Brian Doyle-Murray: Be careful, Mary.

Mary Gross: Come here. [lifts the dog up again] Here we go. [begins to sing]

The sun will be out tomorrow
Bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow
There’ll be sun—

Brian Doyle-Murray: Is that “Back to you, Brian”?

Mary Gross: Yeah, that’s “Back to you, Brian.” [sings again; applause] The moon will be out tomorrow…”

Brian Doyle-Murray: Thank you. Thank you Mary and Sandy.

Well the map of the Falkland Islands has become a fa- as familiar a graphic representation as any in history. It means many things to many people, especially in Argentina. This week, the Argentine Psychiatric Association officially included the Falkland map in the Rorschach test, which analyzes personality traits by a person’s response to, uh, inkblot designs. Now, the- to some people, this make look like, uh, a butterfly, to others, like a familiar dream figure. Well, the first Argentine responses to the test have come in, and they’re quite interesting.

[various answers scroll on the screen behind Brian, including “Abbott & Costello,” “All the Reagans in Bed,” “Goodson & Todman,” “An Octopus in a Cuisinart,” and “Princess Diana’s Acne”]

Now “SNL Newsbreak” would like to hear from viewers about their responses to the inkblot. What does it remind you of? What im- what images does it recall to your mind? Uh, the ones that you are seeing here, these are from Argentineans. Now don’t let them influence your spontaneous reactions. All you have to do is look at the inkblot map here for a few seconds, and then write down what it reminds you of, what it looks like to your eyes, or, or what image it elicits in your imagination.

Again, let me remind you, don’t be affected by the Argentinean responses. We want American responses. Or if you’re British, that might be interesting, too. Now the answers, they’ll be recorded, fed into a computer, and analyzed by our own panel of psychiatrically trained news analysts. Results will be released at a later date, and the 15 most interesting responses will be rewarded a blotter and a bottle of ink. Now, Argentineans are disqualified, as are members of “SNL Newsbreak” staff and their families. So send your response to “Blotto,” New York, NY. Thank you. [applause; answers continue to scroll on the screen]

Christine? [still more answers; Brian pauses] That’s “Blotto,” New York, NY. Uh, you’ll be sending to “Blotto.” [still more answers. Christine laughs as Brian nervously looks offscreen] Christine, umm—

Christine Ebersole: That’s “Blotto,” to New York. Yes. [cameras finally cut to Christine] Thank you.

New Jersey has virtually restored the death penalty in certain capital crimes. Male convicts will have a choice between the electric chair and a firing squad. Female convicts can choose between the gas chamber and a Rely tampon.

In his parole hearings last week, convicted assassin Sirhan B. Sirhan said that if his victim, Robert F. Kennedy, were alive today, he would fight for Sirhan’s rights. And John W. Hinckley, at his trial in Washington, agreed. Hinckley said that if Ronald Reagan were alive today, he’d fight for Hinckley’s rights.

Brian?

Brian Doyle-Murray: The newspaper world was hit with another setback this week when CBS gave veteran newsman Lou Grant his walking papers. We at “SNL Newsbreak” feel that a man with Lou’s experience deserves to be on the air doing news. And so now, here’s Lou Grant with the weather.

[Lou steps onstage and approaches a weather map next to Brian]

Lou Grant: Thanks, Brian. Thanks a lot, Brian. [clears his throat] Well, let’s have a look at the weather. [attempts to smile while waving a marker at the map]

Look, I can’t do this Brian. This is silly. Forget it, I- I can’t do the weather. C’mon.

Brian Doyle-Murray: Well, I’m sorry, Lou. It’s the only job we had open.

Lou Grant: Yeah, I know, but you know, the weather was Gordy’s job. I mean, I- I’m a reporter. A newspaperman! I can’t do the weather. I mean, what if Murray and Lou were watching, or somebody, and Ted and everybody?

Brian Doyle-Murray: Well, their series got picked up, and you didn’t.

Lou Grant: Alright, alright.

Brian Doyle-Murray: Go on, why don’t you just give it a shot, Lou? Try it, c’mon.

Lou Grant: Well, let’s have another look at the weather.

[drawing on the map] There’s a lot of little H’s all over the place here. A lot of little L’s, a lot of big Ls. But I’ll tell you something right now, this is the real hot spot right here. [draws a rough outline of Central America underneath the map] Right there in El Salvador, that’s where it’s really happening. Come on! Wake up, we gotta get food and supplies to these people, huh? The monsoon season is coming down! I mean we’re only a few miles away, for God’s sake. What the hell’s keeping everybody up, huh? I’ll tell you–

Brian Doyle-Murray: Lou? I, uh, I just got this memo, uh, from the president of NBC. They’ve cancelled your weather report.

Lou Grant: What?? They cancelled me?

Brian Doyle-Murray: I’m afraid so. It says, [pointing to the memo] “Grant Tinker.”

Lou Grant: Grant Tinker, what a weasel he is! I introduced him to Mary, did you know that? Mary used to be my girl! Aw, what the hell, forget that, I’m gonna go looking for him. I’ll fix his peacock brain!

[walks off the set; applause]

Brian Doyle-Murray: Sorry, Lou. Those are the breaks, Lou. He probably shouldn’t have drawn on the wall, I think—I’m Brian Doyle- Murray. For Christine, Mary, and I, that’s the news. Good night and good news.

[cheers and applause as Brian and Christine converse; fade]

Submitted by: Michael C. Arroyo

SNL Transcripts

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