Month: October 2018

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 8: Episode 1

82a: Chevy Chase / Queen

John Hinckley For President

John Hinckley…..Brad Hall

[open on John Hinckley holding a pillow and sitting against a white stucco wall]

John Hinckley: You know, it’s a crazy world out there. Most Americans are finding it hard just to make sense of it all. In this time of shattered morals, it’s inspirational to see that we can still look up with great pride to that great beacon of the American way: justice for all. Even for a lunatic like me. My name is John Hinckley. [stands and his setting is revealed to be a room in an asylum] On March 30, 1981, I shot the President of the United States and three other people in order to impress a girl. I know that sounds like a terrible thing to do, but I’m completely crazy. I’m insane, and I can’t be held responsible for my actions. Sending a John Hinckley like myself to an institution instead of some wretched prison is the American way. This reaffirmation of the American dream proves that our system works. But only a wacko can see how it works. I am that wacko, and to prove it I am today officially entering the race for the presidency of the United States of America. I winged Reagan in the streets. I’m gonna knock him dead in the polls. And then, my girlfriend Jodie can assume her rightful place as First Lady of this great and powerful nation. I want to be president for Jodie because I’m in love and I’m crazy. Crazy about the United States. Crazy about my girlfriend, Jodie. Crazy about the prsidency. And crazy about you, the American people. You don’t have to wonder what kind of president I’m gonna be. My record speaks for itself. I’ll do anything for love. [bursts into song] Won’t forget / Can’t regret / What I’ll do for love!

[image of John Hinckley becomes smaller and is surrounded by a blue border that is widest on the bottom and on which part appears the title: “John Hinckley for President”]

Voice Over: John Hinckley for President, paid for by people who have their cake and eat it too.

Submited by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 8: Episode 1

82a: Chevy Chase / Queen

Tyrone Green

Felice Sloan-Duchamps…..Robin Duke
Tyrone Green…..Eddie Murphy
Man #1…..Brad Hall
Woman…..Mary Gross
Man #2…..Gary Kroeger

[open on a fancy gallery setting with a buffet table and many upper-class society types]

Felice: Ladies. Ladies and gentlemen. Please, if I could have your attention. As you know, every fall we here at the Felice Sloan-Duchamps Gallery take pride in debuting the creme de la creme of the New York arts scene. At that is why it is today that with great joy I introduce to you that Harlem Renaissance man, the artistic mouthpiece of the black community, artist, poet, and felon, author of the famed “Kill My Landlord,” Tyrone Green!

[applause from the crowd as Tryone enters]

Tyrone: Thank you Felice whatever your damn name is. I’m-a let you bougie white people know something. I’m in here speaking to y’all, but I don’t like being here talking to you bougie white trash.

Man #1: He speaks with such candor.

Woman: Brutally direct.

Tyrone: I’d rather be at home on my houseboat on the Harlem River, secluded from the people, creating my art.

Felice: Oh, well, Tryone, why don’t we just go around here piece by piece, and you can describe some of your work?

Tyrone: Okay, bitch.

[they walk to a black canvas with images of a radio, sneakers, and a bag of Fritos]

Tyrone: I call this one, “Rodney Johnson’s Bad Luck.”

Man #2: Mr. Green, what does this represent.

Tyrone: You wanna buy this painting, man?

Man #1: [turns to Man #2] Well, yes, we were considering it for our study.

Tyrone: What does it represent? It represents that Tyrone Green no longer has his radio, and his sneakers and his Fritos is gone.

Woman: Well, what exactly was Mr. Johnson’s bad luck?

Tyrone: He fell asleep on my couch when I was in a bad mood.

Man #2: What a concept!

Felice: [beckons everybody over to a green canvas with images of a whstle, badge, and hat] Now, Tyrone, I believe that this piece is entitled, “Sleeping Security Guard at the A&P.” Now, can you tell us a little bit about it?

Tyrone: It’s just that. A security guard fell asleep at the A&P, so he no longer has his whistle, and his badge and his hat is gone. The situation is also as such.

Man #1: Brilliant, that is art!

Man #2: The man is clearly a genius. Why, this is the greatest work since Warhol. It really is.

Felice: [escorts Tyrone and the rest of the group towards a blue canvas with images of a jacket, glasses, and a briefcase] Now, Tryone, tell us what was your inspiration for this?

Tyrone: This is my favorite one. I call it “Smart-Ass White Boy Blue.” I got the inspiration when I was coming home from work the other day, and I saw this smart-ass white by. I thought I’d bring him down. So his situation is also as such, as you can see.

Felice: [brings the group back to the table] Well, everbody, now we’d like to open the floor to some questions.

Woman: Mr. Green! Mr. Green! Have you ever considered studying in Paris or, say, one of the other major art capitals of the world?

Tyrone: No, I hate Puerto Ricans.

Man #1: Mr. Green, you’re obviously such a Renaissance man. You paint, you write poetry. What’s next for you?

Tyrone: Windsurfing. And I’m currently writing a screenplay.

[the crowd applauds appreciatively]

Woman: How did you get interested in conceptual art?

Tyrone: I was living with a white woman, much like yourself, and her husband died. He had many paintbrushes and sets of glue about the house.

Man #1: Tyrone, now everyone here knows that you’re most famous for writing “Kill My Landlord.” Do you suppose that you could recite that for us?

Tyrone: No! Shut up! I will recite my latest poem that I wrote about you bougie white trash scum. It’s called “I Hate White People” by Tyrone Green.

I hate the sunlight and I hate the night.
I hate white people because they is white.
Their hair is wavy, their lips is thin,
But worse than white women, I hate white men.
Walking around with briefcase and money,
Bust they head open, my ain’t that funny?
Not out of anger and not out of spite.
I just hate whitey because they is white.
W-I-T-E people.0

[attendees applaud and ask for autographs]

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 8: Episode 1

82a: Chevy Chase / Queen

Goodnights

…..Chevy Chase

[ the cast is crowded around Chevy’s image on the television ]

Chevy Chase: Good night, Mom. Good night, Janie. Good night, Dad and Ed. Goodbye, everybody. Thank you very much. The cast is great. Enjoy.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 8: Episode 1

82a: Chevy Chase / Queen

Live From Burbank

…..Chevy Chase

[ open on image of Chevy Chase talking over the phone, spiffily-dressed in front of a dark red background ]

Chevy Chase: No, no, no.. if the beads are too large, it’s gonna hurt. The way to string them, you see — [ looks up, notices he’s on-camera ] I have to go, honey. [ hangs up, smiles enthusiastically at the camera ] I’m sorry! Hello! I’m Chevy Chase. [ audience applauds wildly ] Thank you. You all may have, uh.. [ audience continues to cheer ] Thank you.. no, no, no.

You may remember me from the first “Saturday Night Live” – when that was on the air – and, uh.. or, perhaps, from my movies, or novels.. I was so.. moved.. and honored.. when they asked me to host this season’s, uh.. very first show. I don’t know what to say, I’m almost in tears! But I was, uh, somewhat surprised to find that the show is still, uh.. well.. still done live in New York City. I’m happy. It’s my town, and my people. And we’re still giving great comedy in the Big Apple, great comedy in the Big Apple right to the little fruits there in Hollywood. Huh! [ smiles and laughs extendedly ]

Secondly. I must say I was surprised and shocked by the inefficiency of the, uh, Los Angeles Airport. Let me explain this. I had a twelve o’clock flight out to New York – I won’t mention the airline, but it’s, uh.. the friendly one, but.. There I was, precisely at noon – you can trust this watch here. And I was on that ramp, staring into the window of a 747 doorway that was moving slowly back – they would not stop for me. Obviously, noon to them is, you know, 11:58. And that was a surprise to me, too.

[ camera has panned out to reveal that Chevy has been addressing to the audience via satellite from a 19-inch TV propped up on a high stand on casters ]

Which brings me, of course, to the third surprise – for all of us, I think. I’m not in New York. I’m in Burbank. But I am “Saturday Night Live”‘s first bi-coastal video host. [ audience cheers wildly for him ] Um.. and I’m proud to be a part of this hallmark event in the history of electronic entertainment. Just think – right now, my presence is being beamed live, via satellite, to you and right into your face. Just think – it’s only 8:30 my time, 11:30 your time; so I can.. still get to bed by 11:30, and up in the morning for tennis. Even though I can’t actually be in New York, you’re still getting to see my image, and you’re going to hear my voice, and.. touch my thigh. Consider yourselves lucky, and consider me lucky. I feel lucky tonight, and I feel happy.

When you think about it, the technology here is really incredible. They tell me I can even be in sketches, and I hope so. So, guys, why don’t you roll me over to the first sketch, what do you say?

[ a stangehand grabs the stand and attempts to wheel it across the stage, but accidentally tips it over, dropping the TV off the stage ]

[ cut to the broken TV lying on the ground, the screen intact with Chevy laying across the floor in Burbank ]

Chevy Chase: “Live, from Burbank and New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 8: Episode 1


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


September 25nd, 1982

Chevy Chase

Queen

None

John Zacherle

Danny DeVito

Gene Siskel

Roger Ebert
Live From BurbankSummary: Chevy Chase appears via live video to explain that, due to a missed flight, he’ll be hosting SNL from Burbank, California, not New York City. A stagehand then accidentally drops the TV set while wheeling Chevy to his first sketch.

Transcript

Montage

Chevy Chase’s MonologueSummary: Chevy Chase addresses the audience from a damaged video screen.

Transcript

Tyrone GreenSummary: African-American artist Tyrone Green (Eddie Murphy) demonstrates his hatred of white people and the violent nature of his work.

Recurring Characters: Tyrone Green.

Transcript

Joe Piscopo Loves Rose KennedySummary: Joe Piscopo announces that he and Rose Kennedy are in love, and asks Rose to marry him.

John Hinckley For PresidentSummary: Ronald Reagan’s would-be assassin (Brad Hall) announces his presidential candidacy, and a duel platform of familiarity with the judicial system combined with outright insanity.

Transcript

Mystery TheatreSummary: Zacherle presents a brief scene in which the Land Shark (Chevy Chase), via satellite, attempts to gain entry into a woman’s (Julia Louis-Dreyfous) residence.

Recurring Characters: Land Shark.

Popiel Galactic ProphylacticSummary: Ron Popeil (Eddie Murphy) touts his amazing steel-reinforced condom and matching diaphragm.

Transcript

Late Night with David LettermanSummary: David Letterman (Joe Piscopo) presents a film from the perspective of his dog, Bob, and interviews guest Gumby (Eddie Murphy).

Recurring Characters: David Letterman, Gumby.

Saturday Night News with Brad HallSummary: Joe Piscopo reports on sports. Brad Hall delivers an editorial on James Watt, then phones him at home and calls him a slime. Father Andrew B. Titus (Tim Kazurinsky) reviews the Reader’s Digest condensed Bible. Chevy Chase reports from Burbank instead of from Beirut.

Transcript

Queen performs “Crazy Little Thing Called Love”

Alan, A Video JunkieSummary: A profile of an adolescent boy who is destructively addicted to video games.

PTC ClubSummary: Preternaturally cheeful “prophet” April May June (Julia Louis Dreyfus) and a televangelist (Brad Hall) advocate the good word of Jesus, and a faith healer (Gary Kroeger) winds his way through the audience.

Recurring Characters: April May June.

Siskel & EbertSummary: Film critics Gene Siskel and Roger Ebert give their critique of the episode while it’s still in progress.

Transcript

Queen performs “Under Pressure”

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 8: 1982-1983


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Starring:

Robin Duke

Mary Gross

Brad Hall

Tim Kazurinsky

Gary Kroeger

Julia Louis-Dreyfus

Eddie Murphy

Joe Piscopo

Episodes

09/25/82: Chevy Chase / Queen

10/02/82: Louis Gossett, Jr. / George Thorogood & The Destroyers

10/09/82: Ron Howard / The Clash

10/23/82: Howard Hesseman / Men at Work

10/30/82: Michael Keaton / Joe Jackson

11/13/82: Robert Blake / Kenny Loggins

11/20/82: Drew Barrymore / Squeeze

12/04/82: Tom & Dick Smothers / Laura Branigan

12/11/82: Eddie Murphy / Lionel Ritchie

01/22/83: Lily Tomlin

01/29/83: Rick Moranis & Dave Thomas / The Bus Boys

02/05/83: Sid Caesar / Joe Cocker

02/19/83: Howard Hesseman / Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers

02/26/83: Beau & Jeff Bridges / Randy Newman

03/12/83: Bruce Dern / Leon Redbone

03/19/83: Robert Guillaume / Duran Duran

04/09/83: Joan Rivers / Musical Youth

04/16/83: Susan Saint James / Michael McDonald

05/07/83: Stevie Wonder

05/14/83: Ed Koch / Kevin Rowland & Dexy’s Midnight Runners

SummaryDon’t question Dick Ebersol – not if you want face-time on “Saturday Night Live” these days. He single-handedly restructured the entire show, altering it from an ensemble production to a one-man showcase of Eddie Murphy’s talents – or so it may seem, since the rest of the cast, save for Joe Piscopo, hardly appear on the show. Mary Gross and Tim Kazurinzky manage to star in a few sketches now and then, but most future audiences are surprised to learn that Julia Louis-Dreyfus began performing on “Saturday Night Live” this season. Not so hard to overlook, since much of the focus of the season surrounded the mysterious assassination of Buckwheat, which spawned a Kennenedy-esque reporting style from news sources around the globe.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 20

81t: Olivia Newton-John

Not a Record Ad

Announcer…..Joe Piscopo

Announcer: How many times has this happened to you?

[ image: Tony Orlando ]

Announcer: Tony Orlando comes into your home —

[ image: living room set ]

Announcer: and rearranges your furniture. Well, this may never need happen again, thanks to this remarkable ad you are now watching. And, despite the fact that we mentioned Tony Orlando —

[ image: Tony Orlando ]

Announcer: This is NOT a record ad!

[ image: record album, with flashing SUPER: “Not A Record Ad” ]

Announcer: Yes, you’ve seen our commercial for the Imitation Nun…

[ image: a nun ]

Announcer: The Odorless Light Bulb…

[ image: light bulb, with SUPER: “It’s Odorless” ]

Announcer: And, of course, the revolutionary new Mr. Garlic.

[ image: aeroseol canister ]

Announcer: So… if you send before Midnight tonight, you’ll save yourself the time, the cost, and the aggravation of having to do it tomorrow. So don’t be fooled by ANYTHING you hear in this commercial, because…

[ image: record album, with flashing SUPER: “Not A Record Ad” ]

Announcer: This is NOT a record ad!

[ image: Dentist working on patient ]

Announcer: Imagine the savings on dental bills alone!

[ image: series of rodents ]

Announcer: Never be bothered again by pesky, small animals… billing their costly long-distance calls to YOU!

[ image: woman in record store, with flashing SUPER: “Not A Record Ad” ]

Announcer: This ad is NOT available in any store. So say goodbye to annondized aluminum, and NO salesman will ever call!

[ image: record album, with large “X” over disclaimer: ]

Announcer: Offer null where void. California residents slightly higher.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Ebony & Ivory

Producer…..Tim Kazurinsky
Frank Sinatra…..Joe Piscopo
Secretary…..Tony Rosato
Stevie Wonder…..Eddie Murphy

[ open on a Recording Studio ]

Producer: Everything’s ready. We’re all set to record, as soon as he gets here, Mr. Sinatra.

Frank Sinatra: [ turns around ] Good.. good.. good. Son, come here. Come here. [ grabs his shoulder ] How does the album sound so far?

Producer: Oh, it’s excellent, Mr. Sinatra.

Frank Sinatra: Thank you, thank you, that’s very nice. I want to do some tunes that the young people will enjoy. That’s why I’m calling this album “Frank Sings Tunes the Young People Will Enjoy”.

Secretary: [ opens door and peeks in ] Uh.. excuse me, Mr. Sinatra, Sir? He’s here.

Frank Sinatra: Show him in.

[ Secretary pulls Stevie Wonder into the recording studio ]

Frank Sinatra: Stevie Wonder! Stevie Wonder! You are aptly named! Like I’ve said many times, you are truly a wonder!

Stevie Wonder: Thank you, Frank.

Frank Sinatra: Let me ask you something: Do you do your own hair?

Stevie Wonder: Uh.. no, I don’t.

Frank Sinatra: Then you’ve got no excuse! Little joke, Stevie, it looks great. Come on over here to the piano. It’s right in front of you, my friend. [ Stevie sits ] You alright there?

Stevie Wonder: You know, Frank, I feel it is a.. tremendous honor to be.. recording with you.

Frank Sinatra: Thank you, Stevie. I feel the same. I am very much into that tune you do with the Beatle kid – uh, what’s his name? The one that looks like a broad?

Stevie Wonder: His name is Paul McCartney, Frank.

Frank Sinatra: Yeah, yeah, yeah.. that’s the dude. Uh.. would you be so kind as to run down that song for me, Stevie? Please?

Stevie Wonder: Alright. [ plays piano ] “Ebony and Ivory
live together in perfect harmony
Side by side on my..”

Frank Sinatra: [ interrupting ] Stevie, Stevie.. hold it, Stevie. Now, something tells me that this is more than a song about playing the piano.

Stevie Wonder: Uh.. uh.. Frank, it’s about racial equality and unity of all people.

Frank Sinatra: Well, uh.. I don’t understand. When I think of Ebony, I think of a magazine that most people do not buy. And when I think of Ivory, I think of a soap that floats.

Stevie Wonder: Ebony and Ivory are the black and white keys on the piano, Frank.

Frank Sinatra: Alright, Stevie, I know that. You know that. But it’s too artsy for the public – capiche? Now, I talekd to the master, Sammy Kahn. Now, Sammy is a marvelous, marvelous songwriter – no offense, Stevie. And, uh.. Sammy thinks we should go with something like Chocolate and Vanilla. Or, how about this: “Life is an Eskimo Pie, why don’t we take a bite?”

Stevie Wonder: I’m afraid that might be a bit offensive to some people.

Frank Sinatra: Hey, who cares what the Eskimos think – they don’t buy records, huh? [ thinking ] Okay, Stevie.. let’s see.. Ebony and Ivory, huh? Ebony and Ivory.. [ stops ] Hey, Stevie, waht the hell are we beating around the bush for? This is 1982. Let’s get right to the point! Huh? Hey, take it from the top. Swing it, Stevie! With a bounce, baby! [ sits next to Stevie ]

[ Stevie starts the song again ]

Frank Sinatra: “You are black, and I am white
Life’s an Eskimo Pie, let’s.. take a bite!
That was groovy thinkin’
Lincoln, when you set them freeeeeee…

We all know
Cats are the same
Maine to Mexico.
Good. Bad.
Guys and chicks!”

Stevie Wonder: “I am dark, and you are light.”

Frank Sinatra: “You are blind as a bat, and I have sight!
Side by side, you are my amigo,
Negro, let’s not fiiiiiiiight!”

Stevie Wonder: “Ebony, ivory
Living in perfect harmony.”

Frank Sinatra: “Salt and pepper,
Sammy and Dean
Stevie and me are peachy keen!”

Stevie Wonder: “You are white.”

Frank Sinatra: “You are black – and who cares!”

Who cares, baby!

[ zoom out to fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 20


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


May 22nd, 1982

Olivia Newton-John

Olivia Newton-John

Michael Davis

Graham Chapman

Akira Yoshimura

Andy Murphy
Ladies’ RestroomRecurring Characters: Paulette Clooney.

Montage

Olivia Newton-John performs “Physical”

TransEastern AirlinesNote: Repeat from 10/07/81.

Ebony & IvoryRecurring Characters: Frank Sinatra, Stevie Wonder.

Transcript

I Married A MonkeyRecurring Characters: Tim.

Hitler in HeavenRecurring Characters: Adolph Hitler, Rod Serling.

Not a Record AdSummary: Call now to order this exciting product that is not a record!

Transcript

Olivia Newton-John performs “Make a Move on Me”

SNL Newsbreak with Brian Doyle-Murray

Michael Davis

Business Talk

Grease

Sports Organ Classics

Olivia Newton-John performs “Landslide”

The ClamsNote: Repeat from 10/03/81.

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 19

81s: Danny DeVito / Sparks

The Whiners

Doug Whiner…..Joe Piscopo
Wendy Whiner…..Robin Duke
Stewardess…..Mary Gross
Passenger…..Danny DeVito
Other passengers…..Yvonne Hudson, Neil Levy, Liz Welch

[ open on passengers boarding an airplane, including: ]

Wendy Whiner: Ohhhh ohhhhh…

Doug Whiner: Thaaaank youuuu.

Wendy Whiner: It’s SO crowd-ed!

Doug Whiner: Ohhhhh, there’s probably no more good magaZINES left!

Wendy Whiner: Honey… What are our seat numberssss?

Doug Whiner: 32-B and Ceeeee!

Wendy Whiner: Ohhhh, here they are, honeyyyyy…

[ they sit next to a fellow passenger ]

Doug Whiner: Ohhhhhhh, but honey, I wanted to sit in the No Smoking section! [ to fellow passenger ] Excuse meeeee? We’re Doug and Wendy Whinerrrrrrr.

Passenger: Oh, uh… well, how are you?

Doug Whiner: We’re allergiiiic.

Passenger: I’m sorry.

Doug Whiner: To smo-o-o-o-ooke!!

Wendy Whiner: We’re all-er-gic to smo-o-o-o-oke!!

Passenger: Oh, alright. I-I won’t smoke.

Doug Whiner: Ohhhhhhh, thank youuuuuu… thank you.

[ the Stewardess hands a blanket to a passenger, then approaches the Whiners ]

Stewardess: Excuse me, Ma’am — You’ll have to store your package beneath the seat in front of you.’

Wendy Whiner: But it’ll stick OUT, and I won’t have any room for my FEEEEEEET!

Stewardess: [ to Doug ] Sir, could you store it beneath the seat in front of you?

Doug Whiner: But MY legs are longer than herrrrrrs!

[ they both turn sheepishly to look at the short passenger seated next to them ]

Passenger: Alright, I’ll — I’ll put it under my seat. [ he grabs Wendy’s package ]

Wendy Whiner: Thank you. Be CARefulllll…

Doug Whiner: It’s Blue Willow chinaaaaaaaaa!

Wendy Whiner: Honeyyyy? Honey, I feel a dra-a-a-a-aft! Would you turn your air vent o-o-o-offfff?

Doug Whiner: Oh, but mine is o-o-o-offfff…

Wendy Whiner: Oh, but, then WHY do I feel a dra-a-a-a-aftttt??

[ they both turn sheepishly to look at the short passenger seated next to them ]

Passenger: Alright, alright! I’ll turn mine off! [ he stands to turn the vent off ]

Wendy Whiner: Be carefulllll of the CHI-naaaaaa!

Passenger: Okay, I won’t kick the china. Don’t worry about it. [ he sits ]

Wendy Whiner: [ fidgeting ] Ohhhhh! It’s STILL co-o-o-o-olddddd!!

Doug Whiner: Ohhhhh… STEWARDESSSSSSSS!!!

[ the Stewardess throws a blanket at the Whiners ]

Doug Whiner: Can I have a pillo-o-o-o-owwwww??

[ their fellow passenger shoves a pillow into Doug’s face ]

Doug Whiner: Thannnnnkkk youuuuu…

[ Doug and Wendy cuddle up between the one pillow, making obnoxiously loud cooing noises together ]

Stewardess: Would anyone like a headset?

[ all the other passengers raise their hands in great excitement, surround the stewardess. Doug and Wendy also grab a pair. ]

Doug Whiner: Mmmmm… mine isn’t workinggggggg!!

Wendy Whiner: Oh, me neitherrrrr!

Doug Whiner: Ohhhh, I can’t hear a THINGGGG!!

Wendy Whiner: Sir?

Doug Whiner: Excuse me, Sirrrrr? [ he unplugs the passenger’s headset and yells into it ] EXCUSE MEEEEE!!!

Passenger: OWWW!!! [ he pulls off his headset ] WHAT?!!

Doug Whiner: Our headsets aren’t workingggggg!

Passenger: Well, you have to plug them in here! [ he rises ]

Doug Whiner: Don’t kick the chinaaaaa…

Passenger: Alright! I won’t kick the china! Just let me put — [ he plugs in the headsets for them ] Plug it in!

Doug Whiner: Ohhhh, thank youuuuu!

Wendy Whiner: [ happy ] Ohhhhhh!

Doug Whiner: [ singing along ] “Kissssss the day goodbyyyyyye!”

Together: [ singing ] “Point me towards tomorrowwwwww!! ]

[ the Stewardess addresses the passengers ]

Stewardess: Ladies and gentlemen — I’m sorry to announce that today’s flight has been overbooked. At this time, we are asking for volunteers to give up their seats and catch us on a later flight —

[ suddenly, all the other passengers jump to their feet and rush past the stewardess ]

Stewardess: — We’re sorry for the inconvenience, thank you!

[ the passenger next to the Whiners stands ]

Wendy Whiner: Be CAREful of the chinaaaaaa!

[ the Whiners close their eyes and continue singing along with the headset ]

[ in frustration, the passenger finally kicks the shit out of the package beneath his seat ]

Passenger: HUH?! [ he grabs the package and shakes it in front of their closed eyes ] HERE’S YOUR CHINA!! [ mimicking them ] Be careful with the chinaaaaaaa…!!

[ finally, he exits the airplane ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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