Month: October 2018

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 2

76b: Norman Lear / Boz Scaggs

Chevy’s Girls

…..Norman Lear
…..Jane Curtin
…..Laraine Newman
…..Gilda Radner

Norman Lear: As you all know, Chevy Chase isn’t here tonight. Wethought it might not matter. But as the week went on, I noticed somethingwas missing. I didn’t know quite what it was, but there was a lack.. a void.And no one, no one among us, could figure out what it was.. and I wasthinking.. [ pratfalls ] ..about it. And it’s quite possible that’s what itwas. Well, I feel better now, I hope you feel better too, Chevy.

[ dissolve to Chevy on the cover of Photoplay magazine, with Jane Curtin, Laraine Newman, and Gilda Radner appearing over his shoulder ]

[ zoom on the girls, then dissolve to them in the studio ]

Chevy’s Girls: [ singing ]
“When he’s doing “Update”, my heart stands still.
When he says that Franco’s still dead, I could die!”

Gilda Radner:
“When he talks dirty on that phone, it’s like he’s talking to me.
I go to pieces when he sneezes in his tie!”

Chevy’s Girls:
“When he does Gerald Ford, you know I’m never bored.
He says, “No problem”, but I wish that he could see.”

Laraine Newman:
“There is a problem, mine, because I want him so.
And if he takes me in his arms, there would be…”

Chevy’s Girls:
“Chevy! Chevy, I love when you fall down!
Each Saturday Night on my T.V.
Oh, but Chevy, everytime you take that fall,
I wish you that you falling, falling for me.

I know this shouldn’t be said, I wish his girlfriend were dead.
Her tragic “accidental” death I scheme and plot!”

Jane Curtin: “So when in heaven we meet, I will be able to say…”

Chevy’s Girls: “‘Hi, I’m Mrs. Chevy Chase and you’re not!”

Chevy! Chevy, I love when you fall down!
Each Saturday Night on my T.V.”

Laraine Newman: “Oh, but Chevy, everytime you take that fall..”

Chevy’s Girls: “I wish that you were falling…”

Laraine Newman: “Falling for me.”

Gilda Radner: One day, he came into my dressing room.

Jane and Laraine: Do tell!

Gilda Radner: He asked for a match, and I felt my heart swoon!

Jane and Laraine: Then what happened?

Gilda Radner: The show began, he turned around to go, and said goodbye…

Jane and Laraine: Oh no!

Gilda Radner: I asked him to stay, I thought I would die!

Jane and Laraine: Look out! Look out! Look out!

Gilda Radner: He crashed into a wall and there was nothing I could do about it.

Chevy’s Girls:
“Chevy! Chevy, I love when you fall down!
Each Saturday night on my T.V.”

Jane:
“Oh, but Chevy, everytime you take that fall,”
I wish that you were falling…

Chevy’s Girls: “Falling for me!”

[ dissolve back to the cover of Photoplay magazine ]

[ dissolve to wide shot of the audience, zoom in on man with SUPER: “Mentally Undressing Self” ]

[ fade ]

Submitted by: Michael Cauley

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 2

76b: Norman Lear / Boz Scaggs

Paid Political Announcement

Written by: Rosie Shuster

Jimmy Carter…..Dan Aykroyd

[ SUPER: “Paid Political Announcement” ]

Jimmy Carter: Uh, hi there, everybody. It’s good to see your faces. Tonight I want to talk to you about a timeless Democratic tradition – sexual performance in the White House! [ smiles and salutes the crowd ] I am going to personally try to be a lusty, zesty kind of president, and follow.. [ winks at girl in the crowd ] Hi, baby. How are you? [ returns to speech ] ..and follow the lusty example of LBJ, JFK, and FDR. I want you to remember for a moment the love life of Harry Truman, and my guess is that his First Lady was one satisfied customer! [ makes kissing gestures to girls in the crowd ]

It is in my heart that I have commited adultery, and that God forgives me, and.. um.. I forgot to add when I said that, that I have worn women’s clothing.. [ pauses and smiles ] ..and I look very beautiful in it, too! I dont know why I said that, but I think that in the long run it will help me get elected!

You know, when stopping like this, I have had the opportunity to lust after a lot of women in America, and I have found that.. “East coast girls are really hip, I really dig the styles they wear..” [ pauses and smiles ] “..and the Northern girls, with the way they look, they keep me warm up there..” [ clicks along ] “I wish they all could be California girls!”

So far in my campaign, I have only fantisized. But now I actually look forward to some of the girls I’ve lusted after. Saucy vixens like Helena Kazan, Sheri Lewis, Phyliss Newman – actually, I’m not sure God ever forgave me for Phyliss Newman. But I want you to look at our Democratic figures – FDR, LBJ, JFK, Harry Truman – now, here were lusty, zesty men, seething with vital hormonal secretions. These were men of action. Doers. Democrats! As your president, I look forward to deeply satisfying each and every last one of you! God forgive us all! Thank you!

[ waves and salutes crowd ]

[ dissolve to SUPER: “Democrats Do It” ]

[ fade out ]

Submitted by: Rebecca Green

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 2


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:



















Bit Players:


September 25th, 1976

Norman Lear

Boz Scaggs

None

Jean Stapleton

Carroll O’Connor

Richard Crenna

Bernadette Peters

Nancy Walker

Sherman Hemsley

Isabel Sanford

Bea Arthur

Eric Idle

Kate Lear

Tom Schiller
Chevy’s Telephone FallSummary: Because Chevy Chase is on medical leave after hurting himself during a fall on last week’s show, Gilda Radner plans to take the fall for him tonight. Chevy calls from his hospital room to to stop Gilda, and offers an alternative solution.

Transcript

Montage

Norman Lear’s MonologueSummary: Norman Lear presents a video documentary that reveals how the actors on his sitcoms really feel about him.

Note: Bea Arthur and Bernadatte Peters would later host “SNL” in 1979 and 1981.

Bio: Norman Lear (1922-). Television writer/producer; his popular television productions include: “All in the Family” (1971-79) and its spin-off series “Maude” (1972-78), “Good Times” (1974-79), “The Jeffersons” (1975-85), “Archie Bunker’s Place” (1979-83).

Paid Political AnnouncementSummary: Democratic candidate Jimmy Carter (Dan Aykroyd) tells a crowd about the women he’s lusted after, and even flirts with a few new ones.

Recurring Characters: Jimmy Carter.

Transcript

Boz Scaggs performs “Lowdown”Bio: Boz Scaggs (1944-). Singer/songwriter; participated in the first two albums by The Steve Miller Band, before securing a solo contract in 1968; released the album “Silk Degrees” in 1976.

The Snake-Handling O’SheasSummary: Writer #456 (Tom Schiller) sells Norman Lear on a new sitcom idea: members of the O’Shea Family, who are the last of Pittsburgh’s snakehandling family units.

Transcript

Next WeekSummary: Gilda Radner announces that Eric Idle is hosting next week’s show.

Weekend Update with Jane CurtinSummary: Laraine Newman finds that Times Square is quiet during the Rosh Hashanah celebration.

Transcript

Chevy’s GirlsSummary: Norman Lear performs a pratfall in honor of Chevy Chase’s absence during his hospitalization. Chevy’s Girls Gilda Radner, Laraine Newman, and Jane Curtin sing a pop tune about wishisg that he were falling for them.

Transcript

The Metric Leisure WeekSummary: Joseph Franklin (Dan Aykroyd) demonstrates how the new metric time conversion will change lives for the better.

Recurring Characters: Joseph Franklin.

Yankee Doodle SlapstickSummary: Gary Weis’ film features the cast performing slapstick while he hums “Yankee doodle Dandy” over the phone.

The Violent AttorneySummary: An abusive divorce lawyer (John Belushi) beats up his female client (Gilda Radner) so her testimony will be believable.

Boz Scaggs performs “What Can I Say?”

Rhodesian Peace TalksSummary: Henry Kissinger (John Belushi) desperately tries to maintain order during the peace talks between Ian Smith (Dan Aykroyd) and Joshua Nkomo (Garrett Morris).

Recurring Characters: Henry Kissinger.

Family JokeSummary: Norman Lear and his daughter Kate attempt to tell an old joke together.

“Spanish Peanuts”Summary: In a home movie by John Brister, stop-action peanuts have the time of their life.

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 1

76a: Lily Tomlin / James Taylor

The Phone Company

Ernestine…..Lily Tomlin
Technician in background…..Al Franken

Ernestine: A gracious hello. Here at the Phone Company, we handle eighty-four billion calls a year. Serving everyone from presidents and kings to the scum of the earth. So, we realize that, every so often, you can’t get an operator, or for no apparent reason your phone goes out of order, or perhaps you get charged for a call you didn’t make. We don’t care!

Watch this… [ she hits buttons maniacally ] We just lost Peoria.

You see, this phone system consists of a multibillion-dollar matrix of space age technology that is so sophisticated — [ she hits buttons with her elbows ] even we can’t handle it. But that’s your problem, isn’t it? So, the next time you complain about your phone service, why don’t you try using two Dixie cups with a string? We don’t care. We don’t have to. We’re the Phone Company.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 1

76a: Lily Tomlin / James Taylor

Debate ’76

Ruth Clusen…..Lily Tomlin
President Gerald R. Ford…..Chevy Chase
Jimmy Carter…..Dan Aykroyd
Tommie Bell…..Tom Davis
Liz Montgomery…..Jame Curtin
Tom Burke…..John Belushi
Earl Roland…..Garrett Morris

Announcer: Debate ’76. The three national networks join in broadcasting this special historic television event. Sponsored by the League of Women Voters. And now, here’s the moderator for tonight, Ruth Clusen.

Ruth Clusen: Good evening, this is Ruth Clusen of the League of Women Voters. Welcome to the first of three televised presidential debates between the Republican nominee, Gerald R. Ford…

[ Ford stumbles to his podium ]

…and his challenger, Governor Jimmy Carter of Georgia, the Democratic nominee for President.

[ Carter appears at his podium and holds out a hand for Ford, who is busy primping himself. Once Carter withdraws, Ford suddenly turns to offer his hand and is dumbfounded that Carter is not paying attention to him. ]

Ruth Clusen: This first debate will be limited to a discussion of domestic issues, so let me introduce the three journalists who will be asking the questions: Liz
Now, at the request of President Ford, Mr. Tommie Bell, the senior linesman of the National Football League, will toss the coin to determine who will be asked the first question.

[ Tommie Bell, dressed in his linesman uniform appears ]

Tommie Bell: Call it! [ he tosses the coin ]

President Gerald R. Ford: I’ll take the side with the head on it.

Tommie Bell: Heads it is! The President will receive! [ he blows his whistle ]

Ruth Clusen: All right. Thank you, Mr. Bell. Ms. Montgomery?

Liz Montgomery: Mr. President, Governor Carter has accused you of hiding in the White House instead of going out and meeting the people. How do you answer this charge?

President Gerald R. Ford: Well now, Ms. Bankgomery… Ms. Mankgomery… Ms. Montgomery. This is, of course, a ridiculous misnomer. I, of course, was not hiding. I was simply lost for a bit… and the Secret Service recovered me, and now everything is just fine. Thank you.

Ruth Clusen: Mr. Burke, a question for Mr. Carter.

Tom Burke: Governor Carter, your son Chip has admitted to smoking marijuana. What is your attitude on the decriminalization of marijuana?

Jimmy Carter: Mr. Burke, as much as I love my son Chip, if I were to come upon him smoking marijuana, I would have to have him arrested. I would, however, grant him an executive pardon, but not until he had gone through the due process of the laws so that all of the questions could be answered to the American people. Now, um, this would be a pardon, not an amnesty. Amnesty would be condoning the smoking of marijuana, whereas this would just be forgiving him for using it.

Ruth Clusen: Mr. President, rebuttal?

President Gerald R. Ford: Oh, no, thank you, I’ve just had dinner.

Ruth Clusen: Sir. Sir. Sir, it is your turn to rebut on the answer that Mr. Carter has given about his son’s smoking dope.

President Gerald R. Ford: Well, now, I see no reason for name-calling here. I doubt very much that Mr. Carter’s son is dumber than my own son. I hesitate to call my son, Susan, a dope, so…

Ruth Clusen: Mr. Roland, any questions?

Earl Roland: Yeah, uh — which one of these guys is Ford?

Ruth Clusen: Ms. Montgomery?

Liz Montgomery: Governor Carter, you turned that question about marijuana around so that you could talk about pardons. Are you perhaps hoping to make some political gains by recalling the dirty laundry of Watergate?

Jimmy Carter: Um, no. No. Certainly, I could not benefit by reminding the American people that they were forever denied the full truth in the UGLIEST scandal in our nation’s history, when President Gerald R. Ford pardoned the first president ever to resign in disgrace, Richard M. Nixon. No, no, my friends, I’m not going to belabor the fact that Mr. Ford was appointed — not elected, but appointed — by the most corrupt president in the history of this great — [ buzzer sounds ]

Ruth Clusen: Governor, you have ten seconds to wrap this up.

Jimmy Carter: Well, I’d say no, Watergate, W-A-T-E-R-G-A-T-E, Watergate has no place in these debates!

Ruth Clusen: President Ford, you have two minutes to rebut.

President Gerald R. Ford: [ fumbling with his papers ] Yes, I would have to go along with Governor Carter on that. I see no reason to bring Watergate into this, and I would keep Watergate out of these, and not remind people of that.

Ruth Clusen: Next question. Mr. Roland.

Earl Roland: Uh, yeah — uh, Mr. Ford, uh — how do you and Mr. Carter differ on abortion… man?

President Gerald R. Ford: Of course, Mr. Ray-land… this is a very delicate and controversial subject — uh, issue — for the American people, and I have given a great deal of long, hard thought to this… both sides of what I think may well be the most sensitive issue in the campaign. [ a beat ] What was the question?

Earl Roland: Abortion, man!

President Gerald R. Ford: Well, as you know, I support a constitutional amendment allowing the states to decide their own abortion laws, Mr. Roland. This would allow a woman who wishes to have an abortion to move to another state — [ buzzer sounds ] Excuse me. [ he loks behind his back ]

Ruth Clusen: Mr. Carter. Rebuttal?

Jimmy Carter: Um, I think my stance on the abortion issue is perfectly ambiguous and ill-defined. I see no reason to elaborate any further.

Ruth Clusen: Ms. Montgomery, a question on economics?

Liz Montgomery: Yes. Mr. President, you said that the Humphrey-Hawkins bill will cost a possible sixty billion dollars. But isn’t it true that the jobs provided by the bill will create up to a hundred and fifty billion dollars in increased production — using Walter Heller’s figure that for every one percent unemployed, there is a resulting thirty-seven billion dollar loss in GNP. Now, at hte present rate of taxation on GNP of thirty-nine percent, doesn’t this come to about the same sixty billion dollars in increased revenue?

President Gerald R. Ford: [ sweating ] It was my understanding that there would be no math… during the debates. Now, I — I am prepared to answer any domestic, uh — questions. Perhaps you would like to know something about me and Betty? [ buzzer sounds ] Excuse me again, my fellow Americans.

Ruth Clusen: Mr. Burke?

Tom Burke: Thank you. Governor Carter, the President has accused you of flip-flopping on the issues. How do you feel about that?

Jimmy Carter: Uh-huh. I — I’ve never flip-flopped on any issues.

Tom Burke: Mr. Carter, uh, how about the Kelly matter? ne minute you said you, uh, would’ve fired him, and, the next, you said you may keep him on as the head of the FBI, if you became President.

Jimmy Carter: Uh, well… I believe, I believe you’re right there. I-I did flip-flop on that, uh, and I apologize for saying it. I’ve never flip-flopped on any issue, but this is the only time that I’ve ever flip-flopped.

Tom Burke: Well, what about the grain embargo, in which one minute you said you would impose a grain embargo, then you would never impose a grain embargo. And then, later, you said you would impose one in case of a national emergency. Isn’t that correct?

Jimmy Carter: Um — I-I-I believe you’re right again, Mr. Burke. I did flip-flop on that, and I apologize for saying that my only flip-flop was on the Kelly matter. Uh, but, uh… I-I’m flip-flopping this very moment on the issue of flip-flopping! And, uh, I honestly believe that, uh, by apologizing as quickly as I am right now, I’m saving myself the embarrassment that normally accompanies flip-flopping. [ buzzer sounds ]

Ruth Clusen: Mr. President, rebuttal?

President Gerald R. Ford: Yes. Let me just get some, uh, get some water — [ he reaches for the water pitcher, but dangles his microphone in the process, then lifts the pitcher to clumsily spill water everywhere ]

Jimmy Carter: Um — um, I think… I think there’s a, uh, certain technique involved here…

President Gerald R. Ford: Sorry.

Jimmy Carter: Mr. President…

President Gerald R. Ford: Well, clearly there aren’t any glasses, Governor.

Jimmy Carter: That’s just you…

[ Ford leans forward on his podium, until it begins to lurch over ]

Jimmy Carter: Look here, uh…

[ Ford’s podium crashes to the floor, as he tumbles over it ]

President Gerald R. Ford: No problem here!

[ Carter steps forward to assist Ford, but tumbles right on top of him ]

Ruth Clusen: Gentlemen… gentlemen… uh… [ she stands to address the audience ] Apparently, the President and Mr. Carter are, are, are unable to continue. Uh, please join us in two weeks for the second part of the Ford-Carter debate. Good night, and thank you.

[ credits scroll: “FORD-CARTER DEBATES SPONSORED BY The League of Women Voters, Mamie Eisenhower, Honorary Chairperson” ]

Announcer: Half of our contestants have been flown here by Georgia Airlines. The other half were flown by United States Government. The United States Government, makers of fine weapon control for thirty years. The League of Women’s Voters wardrobe furnished by Mr. Gerl. Stay tuned for “Chico and Son”.

[ further credits scroll includes:

“PRESIDENT FORD ASSISTED TO THE STAGE BY Tony Orlando”

“PRESIDENT FORD’S WARDROBE BY MISTAKE”

“COFFEE PROVIDED BY Joe DiMaggio”

“SPECIAL CUSHIONING FOR DOORWAYS AND STAIRS FROM AIR FORCE 1 INTO THEATRE By Foam Rubber City, Inc.”

“COIN FOR COIN TOSS PROVIDED BY UNITED STATES TREASURY — USE MONEY TODAY!” ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 1


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


September 18th, 1976

Lily Tomlin

James Taylor

The Muppets

Taylor Mead

Tom Davis

Al Franken

Marilyn Suzanne Miller

Alan Zweibel

Michael O’Donoghue

Paul Shaffer
Lily’s ArrivalSummary: The cast waits for Lily Tomlin to arrive at Studio 8-H. She finally shows up with her entourage in tow and no intention of rehearsing for the show.

Montage

Lily Tomlin’s MonologueSummary: When the cameras go off, the audience sees how Lily Tomlin really feels about the show.

First Hosted: 75f.

Debate ’76Summary: President Ford (Chevy Chase) and Governor Jimmy Carter (Dan Aykroyd) cover strange ground during their first debate.

Recurring Characters: President Gerald Ford, Jimmy Carter.

Note: Chevy Chase actually injures himself in the groin while falling over the podium. He will miss the next two shows while recovering from his injury.

Transcript

James Taylor performs “Shower The People”Bio: James Taylor (1948-). Singer/songwriter; married fellow singer/songwriter Carly Simon in 1972.

Also Performed: 78r, 79n, 87i, 91i, 93f.

Weekend Update with Chevy ChaseSummary: Laraine Newman reports from an outbreak of Foreign Legionnaire’s Disease at the Blaine Hotel. Emily Litella phones Chevy Chase to inquire about five “crustaceans” that hijacked an airplane.

Recurring Characters: Emily Litella.

The Phone CompanySummary: Telephone operator Ernestine (Lily Tomlin) says that the Phone Company doesn’t have to care about its consumers.

Transcript

The MuppetsSummary: In the final Muppets piece, the Muppets wake up in a morgue-like atmosphere, surprised that they didn’t officially make it to the second season. Lily Tomlin wanders downstairs to visit them and perform a final song.

James Taylor performs “Road Runner”

Tess & The SalesmanSummary: Christmas-loving Tess DiSenzo (Lily Tomlin) chats with real estate salesman Ralph Hopkins (Garrett Morris).

James Taylor performs “Sweet Baby James”

We Asked Judith BeasleySummary: Dan Aykroyd encourages housewife Judith Beasley (Lily Tomlin) to perform a series of crazy stunts around town.

Women In LiteratureSummary: Elna Sullivan’s (Laraine Newman) journal entries are devoid of depth.

Gary Weis FilmSummary: “Television Viewer” is Gary Weis’ premiere film for the new season, and it features writer/performer Taylor Mead’s thoughts on his neverending viewing of television programming.

First Appeared: 75n.

The Antler DanceSummary: Lily Tomlin and Payl Shaffer and the SNL Band lead the audience in a wild performance of “The Antler Dance”.

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: 1976-1977




The Complete Second Season on DVD

Starring:

Dan Aykroyd

John Belushi

Chevy Chase (last: 10/30/75)

Jane Curtin

Garrett Morris

Bill Murray (first: 01/15/76)

Laraine Newman

Gilda Radner

Written by:

Dan Aykroyd

Anne Beatts

John Belushi

Chevy Chase

Tom Davis

Jim Downey

Al Franken

Bruce McCall

Lorne Michaels

Marilyn Suzanne Miller

Bill Murray

Michael O’Donoghue

Herb Sargent

Tom Schiller

Rosie Shuster

Alan Zweibel

Episodes

09/18/76: Lily Tomlin / James Taylor

09/25/76: Norman Lear / Boz Scaggs

10/02/76: Eric Idle / Joe Cocker, Stuff

10/16/76: Karen Black / John Prine

10/23/76: Steve Martin / Kinky Friedman

10/30/76: Buck Henry / The Band

11/13/76: Dick Cavett / Ry Cooder

11/20/76: Paul Simon / George Harrison

11/27/76: Jodie Foster / Brian Wilson

12/11/76: Candice Bergen / Frank Zappa

01/15/77: Ralph Nader / George Benson

01/22/77: Ruth Gordon / Chuck Berry

01/29/77: Fran Tarkenton / Leo Sayer, Donny Harper Singers

02/20/77: Mardi Gras Special

02/26/77: Steve Martin / The Kinks

03/12/77: Sissy Spacek / Richard Baskin

03/19/77: Broderick Crawford / Levon Helm, Dr. John, The Meters

03/26/77: Jack Burns / Santana

04/09/77: Julian Bond / Tom Waits, Brick

04/16/77: Elliott Gould / Kate & Anna McGarrigle, Roslyn Kind

04/23/77: Eric Idle / Alan Price, Neil Innes

05/14/77: Shelley Duvall / Joan Armatrading

05/21/77: Buck Henry / Jennifer Warnes, Kenny Vance

Summary   “NBC’s Saturday Night” beats the competition – namely, ABC’s “Saturday Night Live with Howard Cosell”. Cosell’s comedy/variety show was cancelled by ABC, enabling NBC to retain the name for their comedy variety show. The show was shortened to just “Saturday Night” at the beginning of its sophomore season, but finally became “Saturday Night Live” towards the end of the season. They also gained custody of Bill Murray from Cosell’s show, a much-needed performer after “Weekend Update” anchorman Chevy Chase left the show to pursue a girl (and possibly a movie career) in California.

   One trivia note: a young, white-haired arrow-through-his-head comedian named Steve Martin made his hosting debut on this season’s fifth episode, catapulting him to stardom, guest-hosting stints on “The Tonight Show” and endless, corny movies. But, despite popular belief, he was never an actual cast member.

   Perhaps the biggest event of the season (literally, as part of NBC’s “Big Event” Sunday) occurred in the form of “SNL”‘s first prime-time special, performed live from New Orleans during Mardi Gras. Although the mobile broadcast was a disaster of epic proportions, it would not be the last time that “SNL” was broadcast outside of its Saturday night timeslot (thankfully, from its own studio where the unexpected could be better controlled).

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 24

75x: Kris Kristofferson / Rita Coolidge

Weekend Update with Chevy Chase

…..Chevy Chase
…..Laraine Newman

Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update” with Don Pardo. Don Pardo, the official announcer of the 1976 Olympic Games.

Chevy Chase: [ into phone ] Well, I don’t know. As far as anyone around here can tell, he’s just a washed-up game show announcer, I don’t know. He was an alcoholic for a while, a drug addict, a lot of misplaced rage and anger, and, you know, I think he just wants to be on camera. [ looks up ] I gotta go! [ hangs up phone ] Good evening! I’m Chevy Chase, and you’re not!

Announcer: [ miffed ] Nobody wants to be, Chubby!

Chevy Chase: Our top story tonight: Olga Korbut began the long, hard trek to the 1980 Olympic Games, after having suffered a humiliating defeat last week. Her first steps in the healing process will include hypnosis to improve her concentration, isometrics to improve muscle tone, and the mistaken shooting of Nadia Comenechi(?) to improve her chances.

President Ford arrived at the Olympic Stadium earlier today to meet with and congratulate the many American gold medalists. Not surprisingly, none of the athletes were in Munich. Said the bewildered Chief of State: “Congratulations to all of you. Where are you?”

Well, it has been exactly a year and a day since ex-Teamsters boss Jimmy Hoffa vanished. In commemoration, today, current Teamster President Frank Fitzsimmons once again mourned the disappearance of his longtime associate by placing a single candle in a cake of cement, and repeating that he felt Hoffa would always be a cornerstone in the organization.

For the first time ever, a Black man has won the Bob Hope Golf Classic. Quipped the victor: “I used to be a caddy, and now I drive one!” Tournament sponsor, Bob Hope himelf, is shown here lining up his putts.

Ronald Reagan announced today that he has more than the 1130 delegates needed to win the Republican Presidential nominaton. However, Reagan conceded that President Ford may also have more than enough delegates to be nominated. Reagan warned that having two nominees could hurt the Republicans in November.

Regan picked his choice of a vice-presidential running mate this week, and, in a surprise move that may hurt his chances in the coming convention, Reagan has told newsmen that Sen. Richard Schweiker of Pennsylvania will broaden his constituency and improve his knowledge of foreign affairs. Asked what his current assessment of our foreign policy is, Schweiker said: “The world is becoming a closer place, and Brute is a part of it.”

Well, the big story from Mars this week was the repair of the needle pin in the Viking I scoop, which made it possible to gather soil from the planet’s surface and conduct tests to see if life can exist there. On Wednesday, the scoop was extended, and, while analysis of the soil is still not complete, scienstists are almost certain that life cannot and has never existed on Mars. [ tin can scoops up some dirt near an old shoe ]

The Smothers Brothers announced this week that they are splitting up. Dick Smothers says he wants to spend mroe time with his family; Tommy says he will continue his career as soon as he breaks in a new brother.

Chevy Chase: Still to Come: Jack Ford campaigns for his dad in Cheyenne. After this message.

[ dissolve to ad parody for Talk Country ]

[ dissolve back to Weekend Update news desk ]

Chevy Chase: Well, in Montreal tonight, the excitement once again mounts as finalists in the Boxing, Marathon, Equestrian, and Hurdles.

[ Chevy stares blankly at the incomplete news sheet, then chucks it aside ]

This bulletin about the Viking aircraft just in from correspondent Laraine Newman, reporting live from NASA. Come in, Laraine.

[ cut to Laraine Newman, dressed in a bikini and standing before a palm tree on some lush tropical isle ]

Laraine Newman: The air is clear, the sky is blue, and the waves… the breeze is wafting, Chevy. The sun is quite hot. I’ve been out for only fifteen minutes, and already I’ve got a difference. The temperature here is somewhere above 80, the humidity is high, and, except for the people who live here, almost everyone is on the American Plan. Uh, the food here is really good, Chevy —

Chevy Chase: Laraine?

Laraine Newman: Yes?

Chevy Chase: Excuse me, Laraine? Can you hear me?

Laraine Newman: Yes, Chevy!

Chevy Chase: Uh, Laraine — aren’t you supposed to be in NASA, the National Aeronautics and Space Administration?

Laraine Newman: [ smiles ] That’s right, Chevy!

Chevy Chase: And, Laraine, aren’t you, in fact, in Nassau?

Laraine Newman: [ looks around dumbly ] You’re absolutely right, Chevy. [ a beat ] Will I have to pay for this?

[ cut back to Chevy at the desk ]

Chevy Chase: Correspondent Laraine Newman, paying for her own vacation in Nassau.

Spiro T. Agnew, under new attack for criticism of Israel, denied yesterday that he is Anti-Sematic(?). In a statement to the press, Agnew was quoted as saying: “I don’t judge a man according to his religious beliefs; I judge him according to the length of his nose.”

The former Vice-President went on to say: “All these allegations are pure nonsense — some of my best friends are Christ-killers.”

A tragedy at the Olympics: high jump champion Dwight Stone of Huntington Beach, California, became caught between the crossbars during the second heat of the event. The apparatus and Stone were taken to a nearby hospital, where he was safely removed from the bars with scissors and a blowtorch.

And our final story tonight took place today in Montreal, where Generalissimo Franicsco Franco scored a perfect 10 out of 10 in cadaver diving. It’s a relatively new sport in the Olympic competition. The former ruler of Spain, now known as El Cadaver, scored an upset over Daniel Gearhart, an ex-mercenary who was considered to be the favorite until he lost points for his execution.

Chevy Chase: Now for those of our viewers who may be growing tired of “Weekend Update”, I will not repeat tonight’s top story. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 24

75x: Kris Kristofferson / Rita Coolidge

I Was Not A Sucker For Saturday Night

Sherry Norwalk…..Laraine Newman

[FADE IN on Sherry sitting on the edge of a desk and smiling coyly. She is wearing a black leather gown covered with silver spikes and slit down the middle to reveal her entire cleavage.]

Sherry: [looking off camera] Thank you, Mr. Kristofferson. [to camera] Hellooo. My name is Sherry Norwalk. And I got special permission from the FCC–that’s the Federal Communications Club–to come on television and tell my story. [plays with her hair] Okay, last October I went up to the “Saturday Night” offices ‘cause I think the show is really boss, and I wanted tickets. Well, they were out of tickets, but as I was leaving, Dave Wilson, the director, said I had a bitchin’ bod, and would I like to come and spend the weekend with him up in Parsippany, New Jersey, ‘cause his wife was dead? So I went up, and it was really great and everything, except his wife wasn’t really dead, she’d just gone shopping! God-created people can be SOOOOOO forgetful. Anyways, I got this phone call from the show the next day, and they said that Dave had recommended me for a job as a secretary for fourteen thousand, four hundred dollars a year!

[laughter]

Sherry: And they didn’t even mind that I couldn’t type, or file, or do shorthand. [pauses] So, they told me I was gonna do light secretarial work, and maybe help the writers out, if I could sometimes. And I did that. Like Alan Zweibel, he’s this big Jewish writer? Well, he was really weird, man. He made me feel really guilty about the way his people suffered in Egypt? [laughter] So he’d get undressed, and have me sing “Go Down Moses.”

[riotous laughter]

Sherry: It got stranger, man, I’m not kidding. Like did you know some comedy writers don’t like to work a-a-in the office, they work at home and at night? And they don’t write things DOWN, they act ‘em out first! Like Tom Schiller asked me to act out a scene with him in his apartment. Then he called two other writers, Tom Davis and Al Franken? And–’cause he said he was having trouble with his inspiration. [raises finger in air] Sooo, they came over, and we all acted out this scene, except it wasn’t in the show. [makes a quizzical face] Which I thought was really weird, and after a while, it got even MORE disgusting. Like Michael O’Donoghue? He just COULDN’T finish writing the “Star Trek” skit unless I kept whispering to him the words, “Rocket ships are okay, but your muscle is tremendous.” [laughter] It was really disgusting.

[Sherry holds up a white audio cassette case.]

Sherry: And then there was Herb Sargent. He’s this older writer with white hair, and he was really like a father figure. A really strict father. Like, you know, he used to take his belt and tie me up and spank me! And I didn’t even do anything WRONG!

[She puts down the cassette and picks up a thick hardcover book.]

Sherry: Anyways, that’s why I’ve written this book. It’s called, “I Was Not a Sucker for Saturday Night.”

[Audience laughs as she holds up the book with the title on the front.]

Sherry: ‘Cause a really think the public has a right to know.

[phone rings]

Sherry: Saturday Night? Yes, okay, I’ll be right up.

[hangs up]

Sherry: I have to help Chevy write Update.

[She slides off the desk and walks behind it, revealing her bare back to the camera.]

Sherry: Okay, let’s see, pad, pencil…

[She picks up a pad and pencil from the desk and then steps over toward a large floor-model vacuum cleaner.]

Sherry: [with dismay] And apparatus.

[She picks up the vacuum cleaner and slings the hose over her shoulder. A feather duster is sticking out of it.]

Sherry: It’s really disgusting.

[She exits stage left over applause. FADE to a young blonde woman in the studio audience and SUPERIMPOSE, “SURVIVOR OF OFFICE SNUFF PARTY.” The caption flickers badly, and she peers into the monitor to try and read it. ZOOM OUT as she turns to her companion and covers her face in embarrassment.]

Submitted by: Sean

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 24

75x: Kris Kristofferson / Rita Coolidge

Police State

Written by: Michael O’Donoghue

Narrator…..Michael O’Donoghue
Aramis McCord…..Chevy Chase
Kevin Brut…..Dan Aykroyd
Cooperative Man…..John Belushi
Black Man…..Garrett Morris

[Two uniformed officers in a police station lockerroom. One shuts his locker and turns to his partnerwho sits nearby, tying his shoes:]

Aramis McCord: Hey, Ace, what say we eat Chinesetonight?

Kevin Brut: I don’t know, partner. Seems to me, uh, weate Chinese a couple o’ nights ago.

Aramis McCord: That wasn’t Chinese. That wasPolynesian.

Kevin Brut: [rises] Same difference, pal, samedifference.

[A loud BEEPING noise. The officers tense up and lookoff-camera.]

Aramis McCord: It’s a code five. Let’s roll!

[With a weird cat-like move they exit. Dissolve to afilmed insert of a city street using a rapidly panningcamera that blurs the image. Funky 1970s-style copshow music plays. A police siren wails.]

Narrator: Los Angeles, California, 1976 — a prettytough town. Remember all those people you saw lockedup on “Dragnet”? Well, they’re out now — every one ofthem. They’re out and it takes a new breed of cop tohandle them.

[Dissolve to an aerial view of L.A. — it’s atoy-sized model.]

Narrator: This is the story of that new breed: “PoliceState”!

[Sound effects of cars crashing, tires screeching,horns honking and general mayhem. A superimpositionreads: POLICE STATE as Matchbox cars and other tinyvehicles are occasionally thrown into the model set.The two police officers seen earlier are shown insetover the model city. They style their hair and try tolook super-cool. The narrator’s words are superimposedas he speaks them:]

Narrator: Starring Kevin Brut … and Aramis McCord.With Jeremy Musk as Captain Dan Hatchback. This week’sepisode: “If He Hollers” …

[Dissolve to the two cops standing outside a closedapartment door. Kevin Brut knocks. The door opens, thecops reach for their guns. A cooperative man appearsin the doorway.]

Cooperative Man: Yes?

Aramis McCord: Like a word with you, sir.

Cooperative Man: Sure thing.

[The cops immediately fire four noisy shots at thesuspect, killing him instantly. They make sure he’sdead, then holster their weapons and confer. McCordputs a hand on Brut’s shoulder.]

Aramis McCord: Hey, babe, how ’bout Italian? Nah, how’bout Indian? You wanna eat Indian? Have a littlechicken curry, what do ya say?

Kevin Brut: I don’t know, bro’. That stuff alwaysupsets my stomach. You know.

Aramis McCord: How ’bout Greek? We could eat Greek. Wecould have some lamb shish-ka-bob. Now, that won’tupset your stomach.

Kevin Brut: Well …

[A loud BEEPING noise. The officers look off camera.]

Aramis McCord: It’s a code eleven-fourteen. Let’s …roll!

[With their weird cat-like move they exit. Dissolve tothe filmed insert of a city street using the rapidlypanning camera that blurs the image. Funky thememusic. Dissolve to the aerial view of the model city.Sound effects of cars crashing, tires screeching,horns honking and general mayhem. More Matchboxvehicles are hurled into the model set cluttering itwith a huge pile-up. Dissolve briefly to the blurredcity streets and then to a small room in which abearded man stands quietly with his arms raised,apparently having just hung a painting on the wall.The two cops burst in, guns drawn.]

Kevin Brut: Okay! Hold it right there!

[The cops immediately fire two shots and kill the maninstantly. The cops stand over the dead body, keepingtheir guns pointed at it.]

Kevin Brut: Okay! Freeze! [to the corpse] You have theright to remain silent. You have the right to anattorney and to have that attorney present duringquestioning. [The cops holster their guns andimmediately confer.]

Aramis McCord: How ’bout Italian? You always likeItalian.

Kevin Brut: Give me a break. Yeah, I’m tryin’ to losea few pounds, you know. [to the corpse] Anything yousay can and will be used against you in evidence.

Aramis McCord: Hey, how ’bout French?

Kevin Brut: You mean that little place over onAlameida with the colored umbrellas?

Aramis McCord: Hey, listen, old buddy, you can get anice brook trout, a carafe of white wine, a smallendive salad — what do you say?

[A loud BEEPING noise. The cops don’t even bother tolook.]

Aramis McCord: It’s a code six-oh-nine. Let’s roll!

[They exit the room in an unnecessarily roundaboutfashion by running along one wall, then to the door.Dissolve to the filmed insert of the blurred citystreet. Funky theme music and noisy sound effects.Dissolve to the aerial view of the model city. A gianthand pours lighter fluid on a now massive pile ofcrashed vehicles. Another hand sets the pile on fire.It burns nicely. The hands throw more vehicles intothe inferno. Dissolve to an apartment house staircasewhere a black man runs down, gunshots ringing out. Thetwo cops are right behind him, firing away. He fallsdown dead at the bottom of the stairs.]

Kevin Brut: Stop or I’ll shoot!

[McCord fires an extra shot into the dead man just tomake sure. The cops relax and holster their guns.]

Aramis McCord: Hey, champ. How would you feel aboutMexican? You’d like to, uh, kill Mexican tonight?

Kevin Brut: Didn’t we, uh, kill Mexican last night?

Aramis McCord: That wasn’t Mexican. That was Filipino.

Kevin Brut: Six o’ one, amigo, six o’ one. [They bothlaugh.] Come on, let’s go get a bite to eat.

Aramis McCord: Okay.

[Brut puts an arm around McCord and, smiling, theywalk to the camera and freeze as the music increasesin volume and the show’s credits rapidly roll by:

Also Appearing
CHAD PINTO
SHEP GREMLIN
GRIFF MALIBU
FARL DUSTER
THAD DASHER
GAR CHARGER

Produced by
LUKE FURY III

Directed by
GIL MAVERICK

Written by
LINC POLARA
ROY TORONADO
CLIFF LAGUNA

Script Consultant
TOD CAPRICE

Musical Director
KIT MUSTANG

Talent Coordinators
GUY VOLARE
WALD COUGAR

[Dissolve to the filmed insert of the blurred citystreet. Noisy sound effects.]

Jeremy Musk: [voice over] This is Jeremy Musk. Hereare a few scenes from the next episode of “PoliceState” …

[Dissolve to the aerial view of the model city wherethe massive pile of crashed, burning vehicles hasgotten even larger. Dissolve back to McCord and Brut,still frozen, smiling into the camera as more creditsroll by and announcer Don Pardo puts in a final word:]

Edited by
SCOTT MARLIN

Associate Producer
DAG TORINO

Assistant to the Producer
KEITH CAMARO

Unit Managers
LANE JAVELIN
BRIAN PACER

Makeup
YVES LE BARON

Technical Director
MERL BOBCAT

Audio
ADAM SPRITE

Video
MATT CIVIC

Lighting
BEN GRANADA

Costume Designer
KENT CORONET

Scenic Designer
WARD CUTLASS

Associate Scenic Designer
RAMSEY COLT

Stage Manager
STACY RABBIT

Graphics
BRAM ELITE

Don Pardo: Stay tuned for “SWAT, Police Tailor” — anofficer’s first duty is to his uniform.

[A final burst of 1970s cop show music and it’sfinally all over.]

[dissolve to audience applauding, zoom in on a woman at the end of the row ]

[SUPER: “Coming up Next… Leprosy – The Ultimate Weight Loss Program?”]

[the woman smiles, despite her confusion over the cryptic message]

[whoops – an error in the control room! The correct slide appears:]

[SUPER: “Will Remain A Virgin for One More Hour”]

[she laughs, as we fade completely]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts