Month: October 2018

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 1

02a: Matt Damon / Bruce Springsteen & The E Street Band

Springsteen Concert

Sully…..Jimmy Fallon
Denise…..Rachel Dratch
Frank…..Horatio Sanz
Scotty Skayner…..Matt Damon

Sully: Hey Tommy, hows the audio? Keep the camera under your shirt, its contraband. Alright, this is Pat Sullivan, coming to you live from the second row of the Fleet Centre. I’m at the Bruce Springsteen concert courtesy of my cousin Scotty Skayner.

Scotty: YEAH!!

Sully: He was the 104th caller on W.R.O.W.

Scotty: I know exactly when to call!! I’m like a numbers whiz like that queer on ‘Good Will Hunting’.

Both: BRUCE!!!

Sully: Yeah, Skayner won 2 top notch tickets.

Scotty: Yeah, I was gonna bring my girlfriend but her water broke.

Sully: Such is my good fortune. Now when attending a Springsteen concert, one must bring in certain provisions for the long night ahead. Binoculars, full of grain alcohol (opens one of the eye pieces of the binoculars and pours liquid into his mouth).

Scotty: I ain’t paying $6 for a beer. Who do you think I am – Regis?

Sully: Number 2: Line your pockets with plastic bags.

Scotty: Insert Tor-till-ia chips.

Sully: Have your friend or loved one pour in scolding hot cheese. (Scotty dips a chip into the bag of cheese)

Both: INSTANT NACHOS!!

Scotty: I just saved another $14, so suck on that Fleet Centre!! You’ll never be the Garden!!

Sully: And finally, if your girlfriend doesn’t have a ticket, wrap her legs around these velvet ribs and strap Zazoo across your engine. (Sully unbuttons his jacket and Zazoo jumps out)

Denise: ZAZOO!!!! Next time we do this, you gotta tone down the dry-con-wah.

Sully: That’s fruit you whore!

Denise: You’re a whore!

Sully: You are!

Denise: I am. (Sully and Denise start making out)

Scotty: God, I swear to god, I am so pumped up for Bruce. His music represents the life of the working man. (Sully ad Denise stop kissing)

Denise: What would you know about working, Skayner?

Scotty: I work. I’m a beer liaison for the under-aged.

Denise: Yeah, I’ve seen your corner office next to the dumpster at Cappy’s Liquors.

Scotty: Shut up!

Denise: You shut up!

Scotty: Sully, who wears the pants in this relationship?

Sully: No one, when it’s going good!!

Scotty: Well you better tell your woman to shut up!

Denise: Oh my god, Sully he can’t talk to me like that, alright? Only two people can tell me to shut up. My mother and her boyfriend, and last time I checked Skayner, you and my mother weren’t going out no more.

Scotty: She broke my heart.

Sully: Come on Denise, lay off Skayner, he comes from a broken home.

Scotty: Yeah, literally! My dad drove his Skylark through our bay window.

Denise: Irregardless! (to Scotty) You are working my last nerve.

Sully: (to Denise) You are!! (they start making out, then Frank appears holding a large tray of beers and they stop)

Frank: Hey dudes. You thirsty?

Sully: Whoa Frank, you got a job selling beer?

Frank: No. (He drinks one of the beers) Hey I saw a set list on google-dot-com. Bruce is going to play for like 7 hours. I hope he plays ‘Justice Girl’. (walking away) BRUCE SPRINGFIELD!!

Denise: 7 hours! Skayner, you’re totally going to miss the birth of your child!

Scotty: Oh look it! The fact is, I’m 100% sure that this is Bruce Springsteen, I’m only like 60% sure that’s my kid.

Sully: Yeah, unlike Skayner’s kid, Bruce isn’t going to surprise everyone by coming out half black!

Scotty: Oh look!! Here we go, here we go!! (the entire crowd of begin cheering) Hey, hey, hey, HEY!! Let me make something abundantly clear. I don’t want any of you drunks singing along to ‘Thunder road’ in my ear. I came here to see the boss, not the shipping department at ‘Circuit City’. And I got a sock full of penny’s for anyone who thinks I am joking!! (Scotty starts twirling the sock around) WHO WANTS IT? WHO WANTS IT? (he stops)

(Bruce begins to play, as the crowd goes wild. ‘Dancing in the Dark’ begins to play’)

Denise: Oh my god.

Sully: Dancing in the dark, interesting choice…

Denise: He’s looking right at me, OH MY GOD!! (a spotlight goes onto Denise and she walks towards the stage)

Scotty: No way!! (A hand grabs Denise’s and Sully and Scotty try to help her up)

Sully: Get up there girl!! Get up there!!

Scotty: Use your legs!!

Denise: (to Bruce) I can’t believe it!!

Sully: This is what you get for skipping Phys. Ed.

Scotty: Your upper arm strength is sorely lacking.

Denise: Get me up here. (to Bruce) Your so gorgeous!!

Sully: It’s the jugs!! He can’t lift the jugs!! (they give up, and another Bruce grabs another girls hand and pulls her onto stage)

Denise: Oh my god, I’m wicked devastated!!

Sully: Don’t be sad Zazoo, I’d rather dance with you than Courtney Cox.

Denise: Awww… (they start making out)

Scotty: Not me, I’d take Cox any day! Give me Cox all the time, I want Cox all over me!! (Sully and Denise stop making out)

Sully: Oh my god, Tommy please tell me you got any one of those! (the camera nods yes, and Sully and Denise make out again)

(fade out)

Submitted by: Roseanne S.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 1


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


October 5th, 2002

Matt Damon

Bruce Springsteen & The E Street Band

None

None
NBC Special ReportSummary: Live, via satellite, Vice-President Dick Cheney (Darrell Hammond) rides on the back of a missle headed for Iraq.

Recurring Characters: Tom Brokaw, Dick Cheney.

Note: This sketch was originally planned as a satellite commentary on Weekend Update, but was converted into a cold opening at the last minute because the original cold opening bombed during dress rehearsal.

Transcript

Montage

Matt Damon’s MonologueSummary: Because he wants to perform in a sketch about a huge summer news story, Matt Damon performs an impression of Justin Timberlake participating in a club dance-off with ex-girlfriend Britney Spears (Amy Poehler).

Recurring Characters: Justin Guarini, Justin Timberlake, Britney Spears.

Transcript

The NRA ISummary: The AFLAC duck is shot by a couple of gun-carrying nuts (Jimmy Fallon, Horatio Sanz).

Transcript

Brian Fellow’s Safari PlanetSummary: Brian Fellow (Tracy Morgan) won’t allow animal sex talk on his show.

Recurring Characters: Brian Fellow.

Transcript

The NRA IISummary: Carrot Top (Seth Meyers) is shot by a couple of gun-carrying nuts (Jimmy Fallon, Horatio Sanz).

Recurring Characters: Carrot Top.

Transcript

Springsteen ConcertSummary: Boston Teens Sully (Jimmy Fallon) and Denise (Rachel Dratch) attend a Bruce Springsteen concert.

Recurring Characters: Sully, Denise, Frank.

Transcript

Nutri-QuickSummary: Anal-suppository meals for when you’re really on-the-go.

Recurring Characters: Megan, Sheldon, Randy Goldman, Mr. Banglian.

Transcript

Hannibal Goes to CollegeSummary: A college-aded Hannibal Lecter (Matt Damon) attends Michigan State in the latest “Silence of the Lambs” prequel trailer.

Transcript

Bruce Springsteen & The E Street Band perform “Lonesome Day”Note: After an 18-year hiatus, Budweiser once again becomes the official sponsor of SNL’s musical guest segment.

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina FeySummary: Seth Meyers and Matt Damon give advice to Yankees fans. Spanish comedian Fericito (Fred Armisen) teaches Jimmy Fallon how to tell comedy by using a catchphrase.

Recurring Characters: Fericito.

Transcript

Dr. Matt DamonSummary: A doctor named Matt Damon (Chris Parnell) doesn’t like being in movie star Matt Damon’s shadow.

Note: Ben Affleck was scheduled to make a cameo appearance during this sketch, but he had to cancel at the last minute.

Transcript

Versace PocketsSummary: Donatella Versace (Maya Rudolph) introduces new and expensive microwave dinners.

Recurring Characters: Dontella Versace, Puff Daddy, Rosie O’Donnell, Axl Rose.

Transcript

TV FunhouseSummary: In a cartoon by Rob Smigel, “The Smurfette Show” combines the antics of Anna Nicole Smith and the Smurfs.

Bruce Springsteen performs “You’re Missing”Also Performed: 91s.

Sex RobotSummary: A lazy scientist (Matt Damon) tries to pass off his Sex Robot project as fundamental research.

Transcript

The Dr. Phil ShowSummary: Dr. Phil (Jeff Richards) confuses his guests with his off-kilter Texan expressions.

Recurring Characters: Dr. Phil, Santa claus.

Transcript

The War On IraqSummary: NBC airs a new, hilarious sitcom based on real-time political events.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

A Message From the President of the United StatesRecurring Characters: President George W. Bush.

Note: Darrell Hammond was to take over Will Ferrell’s vacated role as President George W. Bush, but the sketch bombed so badly at dress rehearsal that it was replaced with a Dick Cheney bit from Weekend Update. Though Chris Parnell would resume the role for the remainder of the season, Hammond did get the opportunity to portray the Commander-in-Chief in two live broadcasts in 2003 before being replaced by Will Forte.

SNL Transcripts

Der Lacheln Beherrscht

Herr Gracken…..Will Ferrell
Olaus…..Chris Parnell
Herr Doktor…..Horatio Sanz
Hulga…..Julia Stiles

Announcer: You’re watching Nickelodeon! Coming up: it’s a double dose of “Blues Clues” at 9! But right now, stay tuned for the new hit show, straight from Germany’s Kinder Funnan Network – it’s time for “Der Lachlen Beherrscht”, “The Smile Masters”!

Herr Gracken: Gud morgen!

Olaus: Schnell! Schnell! Schnell!

[ cut to bizarre opening credits sequence ]

[ open on Herr Gracken hammering a nail into a board ]

Olaus: [ subtitles: “Mr. Gracken! We have new American children watching.” ]

Herr Gracken: [ subtitles: “Then we will wound them with good cheer!” ]

[ they approach the kids in the studio audience, in a studio surrounded by meat hanging on racks ]

Olaus: Gud morning, kinder! We think you have not known true happiness before this date! Shall we evacorate?

Herr Gracken: Olaus! Achtung! Achtung!

Olaus: Would any of you like a good treat?

Kid: I want some candy!

Olaus: Non! We have coffee and radishes!

[ Herr Dokter brings in coffee and radishes and yells at the kids ]

[ Herr Gracken and Olaus introduce the Science Lesson, as a skeleton drops down and starts singing “I’m Inside of Every One of You!” ]

Herr Gracken: [ subtitles: “Next week we learn about teeth!” ]

Hulga: [ cracks whip at Herr Gracken ] Now we learn about isolation.

Together: Schnell! Schnell!

Hulga: [ before tray of three objects ] Which of these objects does not belong? A corkscrew.. an ear.. justice. [ points to kid in audience ] You! [ subtitle: “Answer correctly!” ]

Kid: [ scared ] Justice?

Hulga: [ subtitle: “It was the ear!” ]

Herr Gracken: [ pounds ear with his hammer ] Now you wear the Armor of Knowledge!

Blue Man: [ subtitle: I am sorry! So very, very sorry!” ]

Herr Dokter: It’s time to learn.. how to behave.. at funeraaaalllss!

[ Herr Gracken and Olaus wheel a coffin in front of the frightened kids, as the corpse rises and shakes his hands at the kids; they run out of the studio in fear ]

All: Schnell! Schnell! Schnell!!

Announcer: “The Smile Masters” has been cancelled. Nickelodeon will be settling out of court with the family of any child who saw this. Now, stay tuned for “Blue’s Clues”! Once again.. our bad..

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


 Featuring 3,907 transcripts from “Saturday Night Live”

This Week on “Saturday Night Live”: Repeat:

Anne Hathaway / Florence and the Machine

New Transcripts for 02/25/11: A Message From David Rockefeller

Ellen Burstyn’s Monologue

Saturday Night Live Sports Central

Sports Organist at a Funeral

El Dorko

El Dorko

7×4

Businessman’s Chatter Line

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KXLA Special Report

Maria Escobal…..Maya Rudolph
Drew Barrymore…..Katie Holmes
Tom Green…..Jimmy Fallon
Fireman…..Tracy Morgan

Announcer: We interrupt this program to bring you a special report. We bring you now to Maria Escobal in the Hollywood Hills.

Maria Escobal: You’re looking at live footage of the home of actress Drew Barrymore, which caught fire tonight sometime around 1 a.m. We knew her career was on fire, now so is her house! Barrymore is the flame-haired actress who is known for her hot roles in “Firestarter”, “Home Fries“, and “Charlie’s Angels”. [ picking up a message in her earpiece ] What’s that? Stop making puns. Sorry. Okay. Apparently, Barrymore and her comedian fiance, Tom Green, escaped from the house unharmed, thanks to Drew’s dog Flossie. [ looks to the side ] Drew! Drew! KXLA News. What happened tonight?

[ as Drew walks up, Tom stands behind her open-mouthed and wide-eyed ]

Drew Barrymore: It was so magical! I mean, I was sleeping, and I heard this incessant barking and hairy wet face all over my body, and.. I thought it was Tom. But it was Flossie trying to save us. [ pets Flossie ] Good boy, Flossie!

Maria Escobal: Tom Green! Tom Green! Do you have any comments?

Tom Green: I’m angry that our house is burnt! My house is burning! Stop! Stop the house! Stop the house, it’s burning! It’s burning!

Drew Barrymore: Yes. Stop burning! [ laughs at Tom’s oh-so-cute antics ]

Maria Escobal: Are you at all saddened over the loss of personal property you’ve experienced tonight?

Drew Barrymore: [ long pause ] No. Tom is such a source of stability and comfort for me. He’s really my home.

Tom Green: [ yelling into megaphone ] My bum is on fire! My bum is on fire! I am not a liar! My bum is on fire! [ Drew laughs; Tom grabs Maria’s microphone ] I’m a newslady! I say things about the news!

Maria Escobal: Give me that..

Tom Green: Tom Green, let’s talk to your nipples, see what he thinks about the fire! [ squeezes his nipple ] “Nipple, nipple, nipple, nipple! Nipple, nipple, nipple!”

Maria Escobal: [ retrieves her microphone ] Here’s on of the firemen. Sir, do you think you’ll be able to save the house?

Fireman: Hell, no! I mean, that’s gonna burn down to the ground! We’re just happy that we saved Drew and the animal.

Maria Escobal: And Tom Green?

Fireman: Whatever.

Tom Green: [ in the Fireman’s face ] You’re a fireman! You put out fires! Fireman! Fire! [ licks Fireman’s face ]

Fireman: [ laughing ] This guy’s funny, man! This dude is hilarious! I sure want to get hot wit’choo!

Maria Escobal: So, Drew, Flossie the dog is the hero of the day.

Drew Barrymore: Flossie is so smart! I look into her eyes, and it’s, like, she’s trying to tell me something. What were you trying to tlel me, girl? [ bends down to pet Flossie ]

Flossie’s Inner Thoughts: Drew.. you’ve got to drop this guy.. he’s a dud.. He makes David Arquette look like a genius..

Tom Green: [ sits on Flossie, pretending to hump her ] Doggie, Doggie, Doggie! Sorry, Doggie. Doggie, Doggie, Doggie!

Flossie’s Inner Thoughts: Oh, Go-o-od.. good Lord, even I know this guy’s a loser, and I’m afraid of the vacuum cleaner.

Maria Escobal: I guess we’ll never know what Flossie is thinking, even though we’re burning to find out! For KXLA News, this is Maria Escobal reporting.

Tom Green: [ spreading face into the camera ] Doggie! doggie! Doggie! Doggie..!

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

01f: Billy Bob Thornton / Creed

Donald Rumsfeld Press Briefing

Donald Rumsfield…..Darrell Hammond
Reporter #1…..Ana Gasteyer
Reporter #2…..Seth Meyers
Reporter #3…..Rachel Dratch
Reporter #4…..Will Ferrell
Reporter #5…..Amy Poehler
Reporter #6…..Maya Rudolph
Reporter #7…..Dean Edwards

Donald Rumsfeld: Uh.. [ checks his watch ] ..good afternoon. Today marks the end of the sixth week of our military campaign in Afghanistan. Although the campaign continues to meet with success, let me remind you, as I’ve done many times before, it’s only part of the larger war on terror! Now, I’ll be happy to take any questions you may have. [ acknowledges reporter ] Yes?

Reporter #1: Today also marks the beginning of the Muslim holy month of Ramadan. Does the U.S. plan on suspending its bombing campaign during this period?

Donald Rumsfeld: Do we plan? Do we plan to cease bombing during Ramadan? I suppose my answer to that would be I’m not gonna tell you. [ acknowledges reporter ] Yes?

Reporter #2: We’re getting reports of U.S. special-ops forces being dropped into Taliban areas with camoflauge and night-vision goggles. This means the Taliban soldiers won’t be able to see our troops, but we’ll be able to see them. Is that fair?

Donald Rumsfeld: Is it fair? I imagine my reply to would be that life itself is not fair. In war, one tries to maximize one’s advantage, fair or unfair, wherere possible. [ acknowledges reporter ] Yes.

Reporter #3: Um.. yes. With our military campaign stalled, and the opposition forces seemingly bogged down in a quagmire, isn’t there a danger the U.S. will look like a weakling and thus lose support of the Afghan people?

Donald Rumsfeld: Isn’t that the same question you asked last week?

Reporter #3: Oh, I’m sorry. Um.. okay.. with our military campaign moving so rapidly, and opposition forces easily running over Taliban areas, isn’t their a danger the U.S. will look like a bully, and thus lose its support of the Afghan people?

Donald Rumsfeld: Uh, that sounds like an interesting question, and certainly well-intentioned.. but I’m gonna be honest with you, I drifted off in the middle of it! [ acknowledges reporter ] Yes.

Reporter #4: We’re being told that Northern Alliance forces are firing back at Taliban troops who have fired on them, even though the Taliban troops have missed. Does the U.S. condone that?

Donald Rumsfeld: Now, what kind of question is that?

Reporter #4: Thought-provoking?

Donald Rumsfeld: Noooo.

Reporter #4: Incisive?

Donald Rumsfeld: Noooo. Remember what I said about your question the other day?

Reporter #4: That it was.. idioitic?

Donald Rumsfeld: And?

Reporter #4: And that I’m an embarrassment both to myself and my newspaper?

Donald Rumsfeld: That’s right! [ acknowledges reporter ] Yes, you have a question?

Reporter #5: [ shaking head ] No. No.

Donald Rumsfeld: You had your hand up!

Reporter #5: Well, I did.. but I don’t want to ask my question any more.

Donald Rumsfeld: Why not?

Reporter #5: Too scared.

Donald Rumsfeld: Alright, does anyone else have any questions? [ ] Nobody? Alright, I have a question. Why am I doing this? I had a satisfying, highly-paid career in the private sector. What would possess me to take this job, so I could stand here day after day and answer a lot of fool questions from a collection of cretins, hacks and angry lesbians such as yourselves! What was I thinking?! Can one of you tell me? [ acknowledges reporter ] Yes.

Reporter #6: Um.. why do we have to answer questions?

Donald Rumsfeld: Because it’s my press briefing, and I say so.

Reporter #1: Colin Powell doesn’t make us answer questions.

Donald Rumsfeld: That a fact?

Reporter #4: [ meekly ] Colin Powell is nice.

Donald Rumsfeld: Well, I’m nice, too. If I seem to be tough on you, it’s because I love you. [ acknowledges reporter ] Yes.

Reporter #3: Uh.. isn’t there a danger that your tough-love approach will make you seem mean, thus losing the support of the Washington press corps as well as the Afghan people?

Donald Rumsfeld: Perhaps in the short run, but one day I suspect they’ll thank me. Any other questions? [ acknowledges reporter ] Yes.

Reporter #7: Can you tell us anything about how “Saturday Night Live” plans to open their show this week?

Donald Rumsfeld: No! Any other questions? Nobody? Alright, then, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“

SNL Transcripts

Cracklin’ Oat Flakes

Cereal Lover…..Will Ferrell
Wife…..Ana Gasteyer
Boss…..Chris Parnell

[ open on sunny morning ]

[ show Cereal Lover showering, getting dressed, starting his day ]

Jingle: “Waking up, starting fresh.
Feeling your best is the only way.”

Cereal Lover: [ enters kitchen ] Good morning, dear.

Wife: Good morning.

Cereal Lover: Honey? We’re all out of Cracklin’ Oat Flakes.

Wife: How about new Cracklin’ Oat Flakes? Now with Ecstasy.

Cereal Lover: Oo-ooh! [ pours bowl, eat, begins to trip out to rave music ]

Rave Jingle: “Can you feel my love?
It’s inside you.
Take me home, I’m your synthetic lover
And your mind will be ravin’.
I also contain 16 essential vitamins and riboflavin.”

Announcer: Cracklin’ Oat Flakes. Pounding at your heart with the fist of God.

Voiceover: Warning: Cracklin’ Oat Flakes may cause damage to your spinal fluid.

SNL Transcripts

A Message From The Vice-President Of The United States

Vice-President Al Gore…..Darrell Hammond

Vice-President Al Gore: Hi. I’m Al Gore. I’ve asked to speak withyou tonight, because we are a nation in crisis. A crisis more serious thananything we have faced in our entire history. In the election held lastTuesday, I, and my running-mate Joe Lieberman, received a clear majority ofthe popular vote. However, according to our Constitution, it is not thepopular vote, but that of the Electoral College which determines the winner.And I accept that, even though I won a majority of the vote. Now, many haveargued that this may be unfair, in as much as I, the winner of the popularvote, could still lose this election in the Electoral College. But that isour system. And until that system changes, perhaps in the next election, orretroactively, for this one, I will abide by it. Even though, as I said, Iwon a clear majority of the popular vote.

But I’m not here tonight to talk about the popular vote that I won – although Idid win it, I won a clear majority of it. My concern is with the state ofFlorida, and the outrageous voting irregularities which took place there.And it shows a clearly illegal ballot, used only in a heavily DemocraticPalm Beach county, particularly in African-American and elderly Jewishcommunities. [ grabs the ballot for show ] In the opinion of most independentobservers, this is the single most confusing, bewildering, incipherabledocument ever produced. To begin with, how do you know which side to vote on?[ holds it up on one side ] Is this right-side up? [ flips it over ]Or is this right-side up? The ballot dosn’t say. And what’s withall these confusing names? Bush. Gore. Buchanan. Nader. And confusingparty affiliations. Democrat. Republican. Reform. Here’s one called”Green”. And here’s more names. George. Patrick. Albert. John. John.There’s two different Johns.. I mean, who on earth could figure this out.But to really understand how confusing this ballot is, you have to take acloser look. Here it is. [ close-up is shown ] Now, for the love of God,what are all these dots? And these arrows? If you look closely, you willsee that tips of the arrow points to a dot.. but the shaftof the arrow points back to a name. So how do you vote? Do youcircle a candidate’s name? Do you underline it? Or do you write it on thearrow? Or underneath? Or maybe it’s the dots. Do you write the candidate’sname on the dots? They seem sort of small. Maybe just his initials. Ordo you color in the dots? If so, in what color? Maybe you scratch the dotswith the edge of a penny. Or lick the dots. Again, this ballot doesnot spell it out. I went to Harvard – I couldn’t make heads or tailsof this. [ puts ballot away ]

Just imagine what it was like for the most vulnerable residents of PalmBeach. [ holds up photo ] This is Esther Rosenthal. Esther Rosenthal isage 92, a Democrat all her life.. Esther left her nursing home Tuesdaymorning intending to vote for me! Totally bewildered by this ballot,she ended up voting for the Libertarian candidate, and switching herlong-distance service to Sprint. [ holds up next photo ] Okay.. Sidney andReesa Mandel, age 87 and 85, ate their ballot! [ holds up nextphoto ] While Rachel Goldensten, age 96, mailed hers to Barbra Streisand.

Now, once more, this ballot fiasco not only violated the rights of PalmBeach citizens, it may also have cost my ticket the state of Florida andgiven my opponent a majority in the Electoral College, even though themajority of the popular vote, for those of you just joining this program,went to me. So, how can this injustice be remedied? Clearly, the onlyone practical solution, as any fair-minded person would agree, is to havea revote among the African-American and elderly Jewish residents of PalmBeach county with a simple, clearly-readable ballots, printed in English,Hebrew and Ebonics. Let the people vote, and the chips fall where they may.Should I win the vote, even though it’s impossible to predict.. that’sfine. Should Governor Bush win – again, let’s just say – so be it. I’llaccept the judgment of the people of Florida and move on.. to challenge thevote totals in Tennessee.. Ohio.. Nevada.. Missouri.. New Hampshire.. NewMexico.. Arkansas.. and West Virginia. Also, Dick Cheney may nottechnically be a United States citizen. We’re looking into that.Thank you, and God bless you.

SNL Transcripts

The Weakest Link

Anne Robinson….Rachel Dratch
Dennis…..Will Ferrell
Dale…..Chris Kattan
Yvette…..Ana Gasteyer
Carl…..Tracy Morgan
Tamara…..Maya Rudolph
Dan…..Horatio Sanz
Dashiell…..Jerry Minor
R.J……Jimmy Fallon
Anne Robinson’s father…..Pierce Brosnan

[ show contestants backstage before the show ]

Announcer: Here are the eight contestants who will take part in tonight’s show. One of them will walk away with up to $1 million. The rest will be voted off as “The Weakest Link”.

[ show title, then dissolve to the game set ]

Anne Robinson: Welcome to.. “The Weakest Link”. Let’s meet tonight’s team. Halfwits, you may now grunt for the camera.

Dennis: I’m Dennis. I’m from Tallahassee, Florida. I’m a telemarketer for Grit Magazine.

Dale: I’m Dale, from Columbus, Ohio, and I own a gym.

Yvette: I’m Yvette. I’m from Dallas, Texas, and I’m a part-time DJ.

Carl: My name is Carl. I’m from Brooklyn, New York, and I’m studying to get my Stepman’s license!

Tamara: Hi, my name is Tamara. I’m from Austin, Texas, and I’m an associate sales rep for Herbalife.

Dan: Hi. I’m Dan, from Ohio, and I sell tie-dye on the World Wide Web.

Dashiell: My name is Dashiell, I’m from San Antonio, Texas, and I’m a counselor at a Christian boot camp.

R.J.: I’m R.J. from Forth Worth, Texas, and I’m a baggage handler at the St. Louis bus terminal.

Anne Robinson: Contestants like you make me realize that mandatory sterilization programs aren’t such a bad idea. We’ll start with Peahead #1 – that’s you, Dennis., Let’s play “The Weakest Link”. Dennis, in television, Ernie, Chip, and Uncle Charlie were regular characters on what 1965 sitcom?

Dennis: “My Three Sons”.

Anne Robinson: Correct. And, congratulations. It seems sitting around in your underwear watching Nick-at-Nite has finally paid off. Dale, in literature, which 1851 epic novel begins with the words “Call Me Ishmael”?

Dale: “Moby Dick”.

Anne Robinson: Correct. I can tell you’re quite familiar with the word “dick”.

Dale: Why.. why would you say that?

Anne Robinson: Yvette. In science, physicist Edward Lamb founded which instant film and camera company.

Yvette: Polaroid!

Anne Robinson: Correct. And, Yvette, speaking of ‘roids, I wish I could get rid of you with some Preparation H! Carl.. who is so fat that when she backs up, she goes, “Beep, beep, beep”?

Carl: I-I-I don’t know.

Anne Robinson: Your momma! Tamara.. in quantum mechanics, you are an ugly, ugly woman who is going to die alone and unloved.

Tamara: That wasn’t even a question!

Anne Robinson: Correct! No question about it.

Anne Robinson: Dan.. Fred Flintstone called. He wants his head back.

Dan: Come on, now.. come on..

Anne Robinson: Dashiell.. are you a moron in a cage?

Dashiell: Of course not.

Anne Robinson: Moron on the loose! Moron on the loose! R.J. In Physics, can you hear this? [ holds middle finger upside-down ]

R.J.: No?

Anne Robinson: Then, let me turn it up! [ holds middle finger up straight ]

R.J.: That is just childish.

Anne Robinson: Well.. that is how we play.. “The Weakest Link”!

Dan: Hey.. why are you so mean?

Anne Robinson: Silence, monkey!!

Dennis: Honestly. Why don’t you help us out here? Why are you such an unbelievable bitch?

Anne Robinson: I.. I never thought about it before.. [ thinks back ]

[ flashback reveals one fateful day in Anne’s childhood ]

Anne Robinson’s Father: My beautiful children.. my angels.. we love you all so very much. But as you all know, times are very hard and we can’t afford to keep you all. And Anne, since you answered the fewest number of trivia questions correctly, you are.. “The Weakest Link”! Goodbye!

Young Anne Robinson: Mom! Dad! Wait! I’m not “The Weakest Link”! I’m not “The Weakest Link”!

[ zoom back to present day, Anne sweating ]

Anne Robinson: I’m not “The Weakest Link”! I’m not “The Weakest Link”! [ realizes the truth ] Well.. apparently, I’ve learned something tonight. It seems I have to make a date with a therapist. Goodbye!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 26: Episode 2

00b: Kate Hudson / Radiohead

Rabun to Shuri

Rabun…..Maya Rudolph
Shuri…..Kate Hudson
Lenny…..Jimmy Fallon
Squiggy…..Chris Kattan
Karumain…..Chris Parnell

[ TV Nippon logo appear; Japanese music starts playing ]

Female Announcer: You are watching TV Nippon.

Announcer: Minasama, minasama, goteyamakikku-sabano… Rabun to Shuri!

[ Super: Rabun To Shuri ]

[ cut to opening sequence; Rabun and Shuri are skipping down a sidewalk ]

Rabun and Shuri: Ichi, ni, san, shi, go, roku, shichi, hachi, samieru, shumazu, Hantenbana Incorporated! [ giggles, then runs off ]

[ cue music; show Rabun and Shuri doing various tasks: pulling a Biore strip off Rabun’s forehead; working at the Asahi bottling plant; dancing and running into each other ]

Music: “Kihono kihona matte, nakiyanowarimatte, watashi-yaji-ya-noito… Kitteru matte, to matte, anatano… tarakuu… watashiuuuu…”

[ show Rabun and Shuri together; actors names “Miho Kajiyama” and “Yuki Akugai” appear on screen ]

Female Announcer: Rabun to Shuri osaki ni, Live Studio Audience.

[ open sketch inside Rabun and Shuri’s apartment ]

[ Shuri runs in, looking around for something ]

Shuri: Rabun! Rabun! Watashi-no “Bobo Kitty-chan”, hajime-mashitte!

Rabun: [ stands ] Shuu-ri! Anata no Bobo Kitty-chan, nanidenowa?

Rabun and Shuri: [ calling out as they search through things in the apartment ] Bobo Kitty-chan! Bobo Kitty-chan!! Bobo Kitty-chan!!!

Rabun: Shuu-ri! Mitte-ano. [ they sit down at the table ] Milk to Pepsi wa, arimasuyo?

Shuri: [ picks up the cup, smells it, then puts it down ] Ooo, miruku beshi, ooh. Watashi!

[ Suddenly, sliding doors open, and Lenny and Squiggy appear ]

Lenny and Squiggy: Kon-nichiwa!!!

[ the two stumble clumsily down the stairs ]

Lenny: Konnichiwa, Rabun.

Shuri: Renny, Suku-iigii, watashi no Bobo Kitty-chan, dorichi-wa?

Lenny and Squiggy: [ throwing hands up and shrugging shoulders ] Wakarimasu! [ throws kisses at Rabun and Shuri ]

Rabun: Renny, Sukuiigii, anata-no Bobo Kitty-chan, doko desuka?

Lenny and Squiggy: [ throwing hands up and shrugging shoulders ] Wakarimasu! [ throws kisses at Rabun and Shuri ]

[ Rabun and Shuri look at each other in amusement ]

[ cut to TV Nippon logo, then a commercial: A little Japanese boy runs through a grocery store. Then show a cockroach crawling to the center of the screen.]

Ad Jingle: Tan-chin, tan-chin… koki pokko!

[ The cockroach magically turns into a pastry. Show product logo (a wacky duck) as Japanese boy runs off the screen ]

[ back to Rabun To Shuri… Karumain enters room ]

Karumain: [ singing ] Onagi-to no Rags to Riches!

Rabun and Shuri: Karumain!

[ Karumain jumps off stairs stylishly, then takes a stuffed animal, Bobo Kitty-chan, and hands it to Shuri ]

Karumain: Bobo Kitty!

Shuri: Oah! Karumain, domo! [ bows ]

Rabun: Domo! [ bows repeatedly ] Karumain, domo arigato-gozaimasu!

[ everyone in the room is now bowing over and over at each other ]

[ Lenny and Squiggy bow heads towards each other, bumping their heads together and stumbling back ]

[ as everyone laughs at what happened, Karumain takes Shuri’s hand and pulls her over in his arms romantically ]

Karumain: Shuri…

Shuri: [ stopping Karumain ] Ah… cold shower! Cold shower!

Lenny and Squiggy: Cold showa?! [ starts taking off their clothing; Rabun and Shuri look at each other in amusement ]

[ cue closing music ]

Music: Watashi-uuuuu…

[ SUPER: Executive Producers: Gekko Mitzusaka, Taki Mazaki, Eitoko Miki ]

Submitted by: Paul Buxton

SNL Transcripts