Author: Don Roy King

Robin Williams

…..Robin Williams

Robin Williams:
“I woke up the other day!
I’ve run out of Perrier!
Ow!”

Dan Quayle Blues! Take it home, Momma, you know what I mean!

[ pulls up his jacket ] Thank you for this lovely masudo Lincoln thing, let’s hear it! [ claps ] Thank you! First, I’d like to sell nude pictures of Jesse Helms, ladies and gentlemen. Nude pictures, Jesse Helms! This Mapplethorpe thing, I don’t know.. really, it’s very offensive, but somehow the man in the polyester suit, very attractive. Let’s move on!

I’d like to take you out right now and show you some of the fabulous people who have come here this evening, who did not know that they would be on camera, but it’s time to play Character Assassination!

Let’s look over here. Ladies and gentlemen, Edwin Newman! Edwin “Boom-Boom” Newman! [ show Edwin Newman in the audience ] Thank you! Take it on home, Edwin! Take it on home! A man who’s not afraid to ask that question, “Henry, was she good?” Yes! You ever walk up to Henry Kissinger and go, “Hello, Mr. Kissinger, hi. I love all your awards, you’re fabulous!”

Let’s work around the room. Dick Ebersol, ladies and gentlemen! Dick Ebersol! Former executive here at NBC, thank you! [ show Dick Ebersol ]

Let’s show some of the fabulous prizes. Did Arnold come tonight? Arnold Schwartzenegger’s not here tonight. He’s at home with Maria, they are expecting a baby. If ever there was a man who has fertile sperm, there’s Arnold. Who has this sperm that would break in and go, “Are you Maria’s ovum? I’m ready.”

Sam Kinison, ladies and gentlemen! Sam Kinision up here! Dana Carvey! Fabulous people! Wait a minute! Glenn Close, ladies and gentlemen! Mom! With a dead rabbit! Fabulous! Phil Hartman! They’re all here! This night is incredible! And I’m stalling for time because this show is not running that long.

Okay! Let’s work ourt way over here – Joe Piscopo, ladies and gentlemen! Joe Piscopo! A man who does ot take steroids. Pbbt! Okay. [ mimes flexing ] I’m opening the door, let’s work our way back over this way.

We have a very special person who is here tonight – ladies and gentlemen, Gary Busey is here, and he’s not wearing a helmet again! [ show Gary Busey ] Gary? [ talks like he’s in a coma ] Nice to have you out, Gary! Good to have you outside! Nice to see you! You’re doing fabulous! [ Gary Busey makes gestures ] I will, baby! Thank you for being another white man talking black! Thank you!

Ladies and gentlemen, the poet Art Garfunkel. [ show Art Garfunkel ] Elliot Gould! Elliot Gould! [ show Elliot Gould ] Let’s pan up there! Let’s just keep going! In the back, behind the glass, Tammy Fae Bakker! Who has actually been proven to be Elvis! Yes, just before Elvis died, he went, “You know, Colonel, that Bakker boy’s real pretty, I’m gonna go after him.”

Yes, we’re almost over with this fabulous, fabulous evening.. Wait. I’m braking down, because there’s a guy in the booth going.. [ motions ] “Five more minutes! Five more minutes!”

An incredible evening, we’ve raised over $4 million for The Knicks! Thank you! Those phones are ringing – for the National Tourette’s Foundation! [ twitches ]

Steve Martin! A man who did a play with me, and God we did well! [ show Steve Martin ] We did well.

[ audience chants as time runs down ]

Audience: Go! Go! Go! Go!

Robin Williams:5! 4! 3! 2! 1! We’re out of here!

SNL Transcripts

Steve Martin

…..Steve Martin
…..Buck Henry

[ Steve Martin runs out onstage screaming, whooping and hollering ]

Steve Martin: Whoo! Whoo! Whoo-oo-oo-oo!! Whoo-whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo-whoo-whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo!

[ Buck Henry takes to the stage ]

Buck Henry: Uh.. I’m sorry, ladies and gentlemen, we were worried about this. Uh.. Steve has been under enormous pressure, he’s very tense. He hasn’t performed live in front of an audience in.. sixteen years. And, well, as you can see, he’s just maybe a little bit too excited.

I’m Buck Henry. Steve was supposed to introduce the great moments from 1985 to the present.

[ Steve continues to whoop and hollar behind Buck ]

Buck Henry: If Steve were introducing this segment, I’m sure he’d say that the last four years have introduced characters that have become part of the American venacular, a venacular enriched by the same kind of thoughtful writing and inspired performance that we’ve come to expect from “Saturday Night”. So, just sit back, as Steve would say if he could, and relax, throw your feet up and enjoy some of these great moments from the “Saturday Night” group that’s going to take you and me into the 90’s.

[ Steve stops whooping ]

Steve Martin: I’m okay now.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 15: 1989-1990


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Starring:

Dana Carvey

Nora Dunn

Phil Hartman

Jan Hooks

Victoria Jackson

Jon Lovitz

Dennis Miller

Mike Myers

Featuring:

A. Whitney Brown

Episodes

09/24/89: 15th Anniversary Special

09/30/89: Bruce Willis / Neil Young

10/07/89: Rick Moranis / Rickie Lee Jones

10/21/89: Kathleen Turner / Billy Joel

10/28/89: James Woods / Don Henley

11/11/89: Chris Evert / Eurythmics

11/18/89: Woody Harrelson / David Byrne

12/02/89: John Goodman / k.d. lang & The Reclines

12/09/89: Robert Wagner / Linda Ronstadt & Aaron Neville

12/16/89: Andie MacDowell / Tracy Chapman

01/13/90: Ed O’Neill / Harry Connick, Jr.

01/20/90: Christopher Walken / Bonnie Raitt

02/10/90: Quincy Jones / Tevin Campbell & Kool Moe Dee & Big Daddy Kane

02/17/90: Tom Hanks / Aerosmith

02/24/90: Fred Savage / Technotronic

03/17/90: Rob Lowe / The Pogues

03/24/90: Debra Winger / Eric Clapton

04/14/90: Corbin Bernsen / The Smithereens

04/21/90: Alec Baldwin / The B-52’s

05/12/90: Andrew Dice Clay / Julee Cruise, Spanic Boys

Summary1989 marked the beginning of the 15th season of “Saturday Night Live,” though the celebration began on a sad note. On the night of May 20th, 1989, the 14th season finale, Steve Martin delivered the sad news during his monologue, that original cast member Gilda Radner had died of ovarian cancer earlier that day. With mourning in his eyes, Steve presented a clip from his April 22nd, 1978 hosting of him and Gilda “Dancing in the Dark” to instant audience applause. Later, during the 15th Anniversary Special, Jane Curtin and Laraine Newman presented a series of clips of Gilda’s performances.

Despite the sad news, the 15th season of “Saturday Night Live” brought many new laughs to compete with all the previous laughs performed on the show. It also features the debuts of frequent 90’s hosts John Goodman, Alec Baldwin and Christopher Walken, three mostly dramatic actors who show that they can be just as funny as original repeat hosts Steve Martin and Buck Henry. And for the first time in its history, “SNL” is boycotted by one of its cast members (Nora Dunn) when foul-mouthed comedian Andrew “Dice” Clay is asked to host the show.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 14: Episode 19

88s: Wayne Gretzky / Fine Young Cannibals

Waikiki Hockey

Busboy #1…..Jon Lovitz
Busboy #2…..Kevin Nealon
Chad…..Wayne Gretzky
Mr. Bradford…..Phil Hartman
Kitten/Ann-Margret…..Jan Hooks
Reginald…..Dana Carvey

[ SUPER: “Waikiki Hockey” ]

[ SUPER: “A Col. tom Parker Production” ]

[ SUPER: “Starring: Wayne Gretzky” ]

[ SUPER: “And Ann-Margaret as Kitten” ]

[ SUPER: “Creative Consultant: Col. Tom Parker” ]

[ dissolve to interior, Reef Hotel ]

Busboy #1: Chad, I didn’t know you played hockey!

Chad: Hockey? What are you talking about?

Busboy #1: Well, what’s with the stick?

Chad: [ holds up piece of driftwood shaped like a hockey stick ] This? It’s just something that washed up on the shore. It’s my lucky stick. I don’t play hockey. You fellas play hockey?

Busboy #2: You better believe it! We’re the best two wings in Honolulu! We play for the Coconut Kings!

Busboy #1: Yeah. Hey, it’s too bad you don’t play, Chad, ’cause today we got the big championship.

Chad: Sorry, fellas, but, like I said, I’ve never played hockey.

Busboy #2: Hey, look! Somebody didn’t like Chef Mulahini’s pork chops! I wonder why? [ knocks pork chop on the table ] They’re as hard as a hockey puck, huh! [ laughs ]

[ Chad motions his lucky stick like a hockey stick, knocks the pork chop across the room into a garbage can ]

Busboy #2: I don’t believe it! He hit it right in the garbage can!

Busboy #1: You’re good! Oh, you gotta play for us tonight! We”re playing against our arch rivals – we don’t have a center!

Chad: Sorry, fellas, I don’t use my stick for any competetion.

[ Mr. Bradford enters ]

Mr. Bradford: Hey, hey, hey! Back to work, boys. I don’t pay you to stand around and yak!

Chad: Yes, sir, Mr. Bradford.

[ romantic Hawaiian music pots up, as Mr. Bradford’s daughter, Kitten, enters the restaurant with her snooty boyfriend Reginald ]

Kitten: Daddy? Can I have the keys to the convertible?

Mr. Bradford: Sure, Kitten. [ hands her the keys ] Going shopping?

Kitten: Uh-huh. I need something special for the big hockey game tonight.

Mr. Bradford: What about you, Reginald? Are you ready for the big game tonight?

Reginald: [ locked in a continuous smile as he speaks ] Ab-so-lute-ly! The Fly-ing Yachts-men are in tip-top shaoe – though it hardly matters, we’re playing the Coconut Kings, a collection of bus-boys! [ laughs smugly ]

Kitten: [ to Chad ] You’re new on the island, arent you? My name is Susan Bradford, but my friends call me Kitten. Hi!

Chad: Pleased to meet you. I’m Chad.

[ close-up on Kitten’s lovestruck face, as Hawaiian music reaches climactic twang ]

Reginald: Don’t dillydally, Kitten. I dare-say we’ll be late for lunch at the club. Uh, Bus-boy.. you missed a spot! [ laughs smugly ]

[ Kitten and Reginald exit ]

Chad: Fellas, on second thought, maybe I will play in that game tonight.

Busboy #1: Alright!

Busboy #2: Yeah!

[ dissolve to generic footage of the hockey game later that night ]

Announcer: What a night it is at Waikiki Stadium! The Coconut Kings are humiliating the Royal Yachtsmen, thanks to island newcomer Chad Gretzky and his lucky stick! He learned to skate this afternoon, but you’d never know it from the moves he’s showing us tonight! And the final score is Coconut Kings, 10; Flying Yachtsmen, nothing!

[ dissolve to next day, Kitten waterskiing, as Chad moves in from her left ]

Chad: Going my way?

Kitten: I didn’t know you could ski!

Chad: I didn’t know angels could fly so low.

Kitten: I saw you play last night – you were terrific!

Chad: You’re pretty terrific yourself.

[ Reginald moves in from Kitten’s right ]

Reginald: Well, well, well! If it isn’t our hockey-playing bus-boy! You certainly got lucky last night.

[ aghast ] Reggie!

Chad: Maybe I didn’t go to some high-falootin’ Wana-Hockey U.. but I did learn good sportsmanship.

Reginald: Yes.. well, then, be a good sport and go clear some tables. [ snooty laugh ]

Chad: You talk too much. [ pushes Reginald into the water ]

Kitten: Oh! I hope he doesn’t drown.. [ changing the subject ] Are you coming to the big party at Daddy’s hotel tonight?

Chad: I don’t think your Daddy wants me mingling with his fancy guests.

Kitten: No! You’re coming as my escort!

[ dissolve to Daddy’s fancy party later that evening ]

Mr. Bradford: Excuse me. Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen, I’m afraid I have some bad news for you. It seems that the singer we had booked for this evening can’t make it.

[ crowd awwws ]

Mr. Bradford: I’ve been told that he’s eaten some bad poi.

[ crowd eugghs ]

Mr. Bradford: Yes, we all know what bad poi can do. But it’s a lovely night, so please, stay around and enjoy yourselves.. [ crowd gets up to leave ] Everyone, please stay!

Kitten: Oh, poor Daddy..

Chad: Don’t you worry, Angel. [ steps up before the crowd ] Sit down, everybody! I think you’ll get your money’s worth. [ to the band ] Come on, boys – let’s rock!

[ singing ]”Mona luckahiki means hockey
Mona luckawiki means love
A moonlit ice rink means romance
with my baby and the stars above.”

Chorus:
“Kiki Hockey, Waikiki Hockey!
Kiki Hockey, Waikiki Hockey!”

Chad:
“I slipped the puck across the goal line
the crowd went crazy and roared.
But when my baby kissed me and held me in my arms
I knew that I had finally scored.”

Chorus:
“Kiki Hockey, Waikiki Hockey!
Kiki Hockey, Waikiki Hockey!”

Kitten:
“I know why hockey is rockin’
Ice melts, and no one can play!
So we clean up the rinks
and put the ice in our drinks
and say, ‘Mona laki hui ani hey!'”

Chad:
“I say hockey!
Waikiki Hockey
Our way!”

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 14: Episode 20


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


May 20th, 1989

Steve Martin

Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers

None

Lorne Michaels
Timothy Busfield

Paulina Porizkova

Don Pardo

Cheryl Hardwick
A Message From the President of the United StatesSummary: President George Bush (Dana Carvey) outlines the accomplishments he’s made after his first 100 days in office.

Recurring Characters: George Bush.

Transcript

Montage

Steve Martin’s MonologueSummary: A misty-eyed Steve Martin commemorates Gilda Radner’s death by presenting a clip of a sketch they performed together eleven years earlier.

First Hosted: 76e.

Transcript

Dancing In The DarkNote: Repeat from: 77r.

Pumping Up With Hans & FranzSummary: Hans (Dana Carvey) and Franz (Kevin Nealon) unveil Joseph Wilhelm Zieglefreud, the world’s most perfectly pumped-up man (Steve Martin).

Recurring Characters: Hans, Franz.

Transcript

Tammy Wynette Sings the ClassicsSummary: Tammy Wynette (Jan Hooks) sings various classical songs in the tune of “Stand By Your Man”.

Recurring Characters: Tammy Wynette.

Transcript

Toonces, The Cat Who Could Drive A CarSummary: Brenda Clark (Victoria Jackson) and her husband (Steve Martin) discover that their pet cat has an odd skill.

Recurring Characters: Brenda Clark, Toonces.

Transcript

Ode to a Loved OneSummary: Steve Martin expresses his feelings for his woman with a poem.

Transcript

Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers perform “Running Down A Dream”First Performed: 79d.

Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

The New ConeheadsSummary: Lorne Michaels brings the Coneheads back so Beldar (Phil Hartman) and his family can tackle the real issues of the 1980’s.

Bio Timothy Busfield (1957-). Actor; television credits include: “thirtysomething” (1987-91), “The West Wing” (1999-2006), and “Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip” (2006-07)..

Get To Know Me!Summary: You too can find great success in life just by getting to know Jon Lovitz.

Bio Paulina Porizkova (1965-). Supermodel; co-starred with Tom Selleck in “My Alibi” (1989); married to Cars frontman, Ric Ocasek, since 1989.

Transcript

Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers perform “Free Fallin'”

SprocketsSummary: Dieter’s (Mike Myers) lover, Heike (Nora Dunn) reviews a clown performance.

Recurring Characters: Dieter.

Steve’s Good & Bad SidesSummary: Camera angles dictate Steve Martin’s good and bad photographic sides.

Transcript

Smokers Cable NetworkSummary: News anchors (Phil Hartman, Jan Hooks) smoke and inform.

Have A Bitchin’ SummerSummary: Tonto (Jon Lovitz), Tarzan (Kevin Nealon), and Frankenstein (Phil Hartman) say goodbye for the summer.

Recurring Characters: Tonto, Tarzan, Frankenstein.

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 14: Episode 20

88t: Steve Martin / Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers

A Message From the President of the United States

President George Bush…..Dana Carvey

Announcer: Now, from the White House, the President of the United States.

President George Bush: Good evening. I want to thank the networks for granting me this time to talk about inflation – halfway around the world. I’m talking about China, where a wind is blowing – excuse me.. excuse me.. – a breeze. Can’t call it a wind – not enough in-for-ma-tion. A breeze of democracy in China. You know, Bar and I spent some time in China, and one thing about the Chinese people.. well.. they’re good! Good people!

China – gonna become democratized or not, can’t tell ya, not enough in-for-ma-tion. Not gonna be drawn into that at this junc-ture. Why? Because I’ve got responsibilities. President. 119 days in the White House – still lots to do, lots of work done. Repainting, floors sanded – you betcha! Polyurethane, defective wiring replaced.. Dan Quayle still gaining acceptance. Bush Family dog’s happy. Yes sir, good story on it, cover of Life Magazine.. Bar there, right on that cover. President’s dog, gotta be a happy life, you know?

Crime in the streets of America. Thugs and punks ruining our neighborhoods – it’s bad! It’s bad! There are those who say I should go out on those streets, see the problem firsthand. Not gonna do it! Not going up to Harlem alone, late at night – wouldn’t be prudent! You know, the Coast Guard down there, doing what they do, guarding the coast – the entire coast guarded.

Once again, that breeze of democracy, blowing around like it does, going around and around, swirling out there, going, ready to cross that ocean, out over there to Panama. That’s right – Panama – and that thug, Mr. Noriega. I know all about General Manuel Noriega. Knew the man when I was down there, as part of that Reagan-Bush team. Never talked to him, never met him. No, sir. Just watched him from a distance – spied on him. Always behind him, lurking around behind some shrubery, crouching down. Never met the man face-to-face, you know? Never part of any drugs-for-weapons deal! Wouldn’t be prudent!

So, to sum up: breeze, White House, China, Bar and the dog – good! Thugs, crime, acid rain – bad! Noriega – don’t know him.

Now, they’re trying to drag me into that “Live, from New York” thing, that old deal they got every week down there. Not gonna do it. Not gonna go out there and say, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Niiiight!“

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 14: Episode 20

88t: Steve Martin / Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers

Steve’s Good & Bad Sides

…..Steve Martin

Steve Martin: Hi. Have you noticed how.. good I’ve looked tonight? Well, it’s no accident I have simply discovered that I have a good side and a bad side – most leading men do. Don’t believe me? Watch.

[ turns head to stage right, cocked upward ] Beautiful.. [ turns head at an angle ] ..interesting looking.. [ stares straight into camera ] ..quite plain.. [ turns head to stage left ] ..hideous.

Once again, now, that’s.. [ turns head to stage right, cocked upward ] Beautiful.. [ turns head at an angle ] ..interesting looking.. [ stares straight into camera ] ..quite plain.. [ turns head to stage left ] ..hideous.

Let me personify that for you.

[ turns head to stage left ] Mel Brooks.. [ stares straight into camera ] ..Mel Blanc.. [ turns head to angle at stage right ] ..Mel Torme.. [ turns head to stage right, cocked upward ] ..Mel Gibson.

As the show continues, you’ll notice how the cameraman never ever shows my bad side. Enjoy.

[ starts to exit stage left facing that direction, then catches himself, turns to face stage right and exits stage walking backwards ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 14: Episode 20

88t: Steve Martin / Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers

Pumping Up With Hans & Franz

Hans…..Dana Carvey
Franz…..Kevin Nealon
Joseph Wilhelm Zieglefreud…..Steve Martin

Announcer: Welcome to “Pumping Up With Hanz & Franz”, the informative training program for the serious weightlifter.

[ “Theme From 2001: A Space Odyssey” plays, as cameras slowly pan up on Hans & Franz, whose chest muscles begin to sway up and down ]

Together: Welcome! We’re back!

Hans: Alright. Once again, I am Hans..

Franz: And I am Franz. And we just want to..

Together: pump.. [ they clap ] ..you up!

Hans: Alright.

Franz: Alright, enough talk. We’re not here to talk. We’re here to..

Together: pump.. [ they clap ] ..you up!

Hans: Alright, before we get started, we’d like to give you something to hear now and think about later: a muscle is a terrible thing to waste.

Franz: Yah. That’s right, Hans. And if you’re gonna be a flabby waste of girly-man, maybe you should be disciplined!

Hans: Yah, believe me now, you know, we should take your wasted muscle..

Franz: Which is flab!cYah! And stretch it into a flab-rope ladder, so you can climb back down into the sewer you crawled out of!

Franz: Alright. Enough talk. We’re not here to talk. We’re here to..

Together: pump.. [ they clap ] ..you up!

Franz: You know, many critics have complained that our training methods would never work for your average garden-variety girly-man!

Yah. You know. That’s right, they say we are genetic mutants, you know, like Freddie Krueger!

Franz: Well, Mr. Critic Man, welcome to Nightmare on Muscle Street!

[ they flex their superiority ]

Franz: Here me now, and believe me later – anyone can achieve these results using our method!

Hans: That’s right, and we have proof! We have taken the world’smost pathetic girly-man, and turned him into the embodiment of perfect pumptitude!

Franz: Yah! This was Joseph Wilhem Zieglefreud tweleve weeks ago. [ shows pathetic Before image of Joseph ] And now, here he is today. Behold, the Eighth Womder of the World!

[ “Theme from 2001: A Space Odyssey” plays as an overinflated Joseph is wheeled out on a cart ]

Hans: Alright. Do our methods work? You be the judge. Welcome, Joseph. Now, tell us, has pumpitude changed your life?

Joseph: Oh, yah!

Hans: For the better?

Joseph: Oh, yah!

Hans: Alright. Alright.

Franz: And we understand that, because of your dedication to pumpitude, your wife and your children left you?

Joseph: Yah!

Hans: That’s alright.

Joseph: Yeah. Yah.

Franz: This is common, Joseph. You don’t need your crybaby wife and children to drag you down to their scum-hole!

Joseph: Yah, they are girly-man losers!

Hans: That’s right. Now, we understand, Joseph, you recently had to move out of your apartment?

Joseph: Yah!

Franz: Well.. tell us where you live now.

Joseph: In a circus tent on the edge of town.

Hans: Hear that, Critic Man!

Franz: But don’t be thinking that, because he lives in a circus tent, he’s some kind of freak!

Hans: That’s right! Can a freak do this?

[ Hans, Franz and Joseph all flex their muscles superiorily, although Joseph barely gets any flexibility due to the massive size of his perfect muscles ]

Franz: Now, you might have noticed a slight flexibility in Joseph. Does that bother you?

Joseph: It is a small price to pay.

Hans: That’s right, Joseph. One more question, you know. Tell our viewers what you would do if a girly-man kicks sand in your face?

Joseph: Hear me now, and believe me later, and think about it sometime, but make a note of it now – if I were just a little bit more flexible, I would kill you!

Hans: Alright.

Franz: Alright, alright..

Hans: Alright.

Franz: Well, you know, looking at my watch, I can see we are just about out of time.

Joseph: I can’t look at my watch.

Hans: That’s right. I think we proved our point. Once again, I am Hans..

Franz: I am Franz..

Joseph: And I am the world’s most perfectly pumped-up man!

All Together: And we just want to.. pump..

[ Hans & Franz clap their hands together, but Joseph is not flexivle enough to make it ]

All Together: ..pump..

[ still no go from Joseph ]

All Together: ..to pump..

[ Hans & Franz each grab one of Joseph’s hands and swing them to the other for the clap ]

All Together: ..you up!

Announcer: This has been “Pumping Up With Hans & Franz”.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 14: Episode 20

88t: Steve Martin / Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers

Get To Know Me

…..Jon Lovitz
…..Paulina Poriskova
…..Don Pardo
Lee Iacocca…..Phil Hartman
…..Steve Martin

[ open on Jon Lovitz sitting at a table in the russian Tea Room with Paulina Poriskova ]

Jon Lovitz: Hello, I’m Job Lovitz, and I’m having lunch in the Russian Tea Room with the most beautiful woman in the world – Paulina! Well, we can’t all be me. But if you’d like to fulfill your dream like I did, then I have one piece of advice for you – Get To Know Me! When did I chip my tooth? Why do I drain my foot? Where is my extra bone? Get To Know Me! Got to go – listen to him!

Don Pardo: Hello! Before I got to know Jon, I was nothing, nowhere, nobody! I was stuck in a room reading voiceovers I could barely understand! And then, I got to know him, and now I get to be on TV! And today, they call me.. Don Pardo!

Jon Lovitz: Get To Know Me! Why do I never wear a hat? Why was I banned from Bangkok? Why do women call me “The Anchor”?

Paulina Poriskova: You.. stud! You gorgeous hunk of male flesh.

Jon Lovitz: [ to the camera ] Yes! [ to Paulina ] Uh.. a little lower and to the left. Get To Know Me! Still wondering if you should? Then listen to him!

Lee Iacocca: Before I got to know Jon, I was nothing, nowhere, nobody! I couldn’t get a job to save my life! And today, they call me.. Lee Iacocca! Get to know him! And buy a Chrysler..

Don Pardo: It works, I tell you, it works!

Jon Lovitz: Get out, I tell you, get out! Get To Know Me! Why do girls speak to me? Do I shave my eyebrows in the middle? Get To Know Me! And now, a final testimonial, from a man who speaks the truth!

Steve Martin: Before I got to know Jon, I was nothing, nowhere, nobody! I was a two-bit comic with an arrow stuck through my head! And then, I got to know him, and now I just starred in a movie called “Parenthood”, directed by Opie! And today, they call me.. Steve Martin!

Jon Lovitz: Thank you.

Steve Martin: Thank you!

Lee Iacocca: It’s true, I tell you, it’s true! Buy a Chrsyler..

Paulina Poriskova: He’s a stud!

Steve Martin: I might do a movie directed by Potsie!

Don Pardo: I’m on TV!

Jon Lovitz: Get To Know Me!!

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 14: Episode 20

88t: Steve Martin / Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers

Steve Martin’s Monologue

…..Steve Martin

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Steve Martin!

[ audience cheers and applauds ]

Steve Martin: Thank you. Thank you very much. We have a very funny show tonight – Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers are here. And it’s great to be back here tonight.

You know, I’ve been coming here to do “Saturday Night Live” since 1976, and the thing that keeps bringing you back is the people you get to work with.. and I would like to show you something we recorded on this stage in 1978.

[ “Dancing In The Dark” sketch plays ]

[ audience applauds wildly ]

Steve Martin: You know, when I look at that tape, I can’t help but think how great she was, and how young I looked. Gilda, we miss you.

SNL Transcripts

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