Janet Jackson: Thank you, it’s really great to be here hosting “Saturday Night Live”, and it’s really been an exciting year for me, so uh.. did anybody happen to see the Superbowl? [ audience cheers wildly ] Thank you, I was afraid of that.
You know, the one reason why I wanted to do this show was so that people would see that I’m a regular person. And that my family was jsut an average family, no different than yours. I can prove this – I brought some old home movies. Would you guys want to see them? [ audience cheers enthusiastically ] Yeah?
[ cut to old home movie footage of a little girl twirling in circles in a ballet costume ]
Janet Jackson V/O: Okay. Here I am – see, I took ballet, just like a normal little girl. I think my moves were pretty good, you know, for a little kid. It was fun —
[ camera pans right to show the Jackson Five practicing in the living room ]
Janet Jackson V/O: Oh – that’s right. My brothers, they had this band. I-I completely forgot about that.
[ cut back to Jackson at Home Base ]
Janet Jackson: You know, just typical brothers. We were just like any other family.
[ cut to more home movie footage of the siblings are clowning around together on the couch ]
Janet Jackson V/O: Oh, look! There we are, altogether. There’s me.. and Reebie.. and Jackie.. and Tito.. and Jermaine.. LaToya.. and Marlon.. and Randy.. and Michael..
[ camera cuts to an additional three children on the couch ]
Oh. Well.. we actually had three other siblings, and.. I don’t know their names, I.. never really talked to them, you know? They kind of freaked me out a little.
[ camera cuts to Jackson as a young girl sitting in an outdoor baby pool ]
Janet Jackson V/O: Oh! Here’s a really cute one, this is a really old one. Here I am, playing in the pool..
[ the strap of Jackson’s bathing suit top snaps, exposing her childlike bosom ]
[ cut back to Jackson at Home Base ]
Janet Jackson: It’s a little swimsuit malfunction.
We have a great show for you tonight. The musical guest is someone you’re really going to enjoy. Stick around, we’ll be right back!
Prince…..Fred Armisen Beyonce…..Maya Rudolph Paula Abdul…..Janet Jackson Steve Harvey…..Kenan Thompson
Prince: Dearly beloved we are gathered her to get through this thing called my talk show. So dig if you will my co-host Miss Beyonce Knowles.
Beyonce: (singing) “Prince Show.”
Prince: (singing) “Everybody wants to be free.”
Beyonce: “The Prince Show.”
Prince: “..and ride in my limousine.”
Beyonce: “Its the Prince Show.”
Prince: “Come take a ride with me.”
Both: “Jump in under the waterfall And climb the rainbow tree.”
(Prince whispers into Beyonces ear she interprets)
Beyonce: Prince wants everyone to know that he is excited about the show. He is, too, but He is too shy.
Voiceover: “The Prince Show,” with co-host Beyonce.
(The music continues, next we see Prince setting in a purple chair with Beyonce standing beside him.)
Prince: My first guest is forever my girl please welcome Miss Paula Abdul.
Paula Abdul: Prince, your energy is wonderful to be around you are a true star. Dont ever let anyone ever tell you any different.
Beyonce: Paula, your talking has scared Prince.
Paula Abdul: Im sorry I just wanted him to know how charged up I was to be here
Prince: So, Paula, I wonder do you miss cheerleading?
Paula Abdul: Uhm, that is a tough one. I definately miss cheerleading. But, I dont miss being not famous.
Prince: Paula, do you think a lover can be a friend?
Paula Abdul: As long as both spirits and energies match, it will work. They also need to not go through each other’s mail. Cuz that happened to me once and (said through clenched teeth) I WENT OFF!!!! (looks around) Where did Prince go?
Beyonce: Set still, Paula. Prince wants to paint your picture
Paula Abdul: I would be honored. I, I would be so, I would be so honored. Should I do one of my famous dance poses?
Beyonce: Uh, no. Prince wants you to go stand in that clam.
Paula Abdul: That one back there?
Beyonce: Uh huh, and Prince wants you to hold on to this giant pearl, too.
Paula Abdul: This pearl is beautiful. (big smile) And so unique.
Prince: Every court has a jester, and in My kingdom its Mr. Steve Harvey.
Steve Harvey: Heh heh heh woo heh heh heh! Now look, I dont know about you but, I was at a Starbuck’s yesterday waiting in the line .. See Beyonce knows what Im talking about. (Prince and Beyonce stare with blank looks on their faces) Anyway, I was behind a girl that had a butt that was SO big!
Prince: How big was it?
Steve Harvey: Her butt was so big people, mistaked it for a counter. I mean they were resting they coffees ON IT. It was a tip jar ON IT. People was putting they milk and Sugar ON IT. Doing up they coffee ON IT.
Paula Abdul: (from the clam still holding the giant pearl) You are a true gem. Your funny is so unique to you.
Beyonce: Uh oh, Prince has put on his wonder mask. Prince what do you see?
Prince: (singing) “I see Rhonda and Kathy in the river I see Kirk jammin’ in the studio I seeeeeeeeee Tonie enjoying herself in the mirror I see Suzanne in the nude eating cherries.”
Steve Harvey: Hey um, do you see me in there anywhere?
Prince: (still singing) “And I see Steve Harvey eating chips on his couch in his boxers.”
Steve Harvey: (interrupting) Heh heh, the thing about boxers they dont support your stuff you be flappin’ around .. (looks around) Where, where did Prince go?
Beyonce: Prince wants everyone to see him cry. But dont worry, it’s tears of joy, ‘cuz there is so much beauty in the world.
Prince: (music and Princecrying Prince pulls out a handkerchief and wipes his tears)
Paula Abdul: Excuse me.. (trying not to laugh) How long do I have to stand here and hold this? (breaking character by laughing)
Prince: Until you become delirious . Im through with this!
(Prince Show theme playing)
Beyonce: (Singing) “Prince Show.”
Prince: “Everyone wants to be free.”
Beyonce: “It’s Prince, YO!”
Prince: “..and ride in my limousine.”
Beyonce: “It’s Prince, oh.”
Prince: “Come take a ride with me.”
Prince, Beyonce & Paula Abdul: (singing) “Jump in under the waterfall And climb the rainbow tree.”
Dick Cheney…..Darrell Hammond Condoleeze Rice…..Janet Jackson Kean…..
[ open on front exterior, White House ]
[ SUPER: “Thursday 8:00 am EDT” ]
[ dissolve to interior, Vice-President’s office, Dick Cheney on the phone with the President ]
Vice-President Dick Cheney: Yes, Mr. President. Yes, Condoleeza testifies this morning. You’re right, she does have nothing to hide – that you know of. [ a pause ] What’s that? You have an idea? A new nickname for Kerry? [ a pause ] Flippy? ‘Cause he flip-flops. Th-th-that’s good. [ a pause ] Flippy the Flip-Flopper? Well, that may be a little long, sir. Yes. Yes, Floppy is also good. Yes, it is a difficult choice. I’ll await your decision, sir. But right now, Condi wanted to see me before the hearing, so — [ a beat ] She should try to work in “Flippy”? Alright, sir, she’s coming in. Thank you. [ hangs up ]
[ Condoleeze Rice enters ]
Vice-President Dick Cheney: Hello, Condi! It’s a big day. Please sit down.
Condoleeza Rice: Yes.. I —
Vice-President Dick Cheney: This is wonderful.
Condoleeza Rice: Yes, Mr. Vice-President, it is.. and, frankly, I’m still a little concerned about testifying in public.
Vice-President Dick Cheney: Ah, it’s a piece of cake. You’re well-prepared. It’s all attitude. Just keep it upbeat, show me that Condi smile.
Condoleeza Rice: [ smiles, gap-tooth in check ]
Vice-President Dick Cheney: [ laughs heartily ] That’s perfect! Show me the sneer, when a Democrat gets too specific!
Condoleeza Rice: [ sneers ]
Vice-President Dick Cheney: [ laughs heartily ] That is excellent! You’re incredulous!
Condoleeza Rice: [ makes a stone-face ]
Vice-President Dick Cheney: Good. Good, good. Now, smile!
Condoleeza Rice: [ smiles wide, gap tooth showing ]
Vice-President Dick Cheney: [ laughs heartily ] Condi, you are all set!
Condoleeza Rice: Really?
Vice-President Dick Cheney: Oh, uh.. here are a couple of words just to drop in anywhere. Uh.. “Systemic”.. “Historical”.. “Actionable”.. “Flippy the Flip-Flopper”. Work those in.
Condoleeza Rice: Sir, with all due respect, I’m still not certain how to address some of these facts.
Vice-President Dick Cheney: Two words: “It’s classified!” ] chuckles ]
Condoleeza Rice: But they have information, like the titles of the President’s briefing on August 6th.
Vice-President Dick Cheney: No problem. What was that again?
Condoleeza Rice: “Bin Laden determined to attack inside the United States.”
Vice-President Dick Cheney: Okay, that’s bad. Uh.. alright, let’s practice. When they make you say that title, there’s going to be an audible gasp in the room. So you’ve gotta cough – cover up the gasp. Okay, let’s practice. “Miss Rice, can you tell us the name of the PDB?”
Condoleeza Rice: “Bin Laden determined to attack inside he United States.”
Vice-President Dick Cheney: [ overdramatizes the audible gasps ]
Condoleeza Rice: [ coughs loudly, yet politely, into her hand ]
Vice-President Dick Cheney: By God, that was good! But, you know, the gasp might be a little longer that that, so just count to 5 Mississippi.
Condoleeza Rice: Okay.. in fact, but does it work?
Vice-President Dick Cheney: The important thing is to get through it and get back on message: “Dick Clarke does heroin!” [ chuckles ]
Condoleeza Rice: What?
Vice-President Dick Cheney: Yeah, big time junkie! Popular guy in Thailansd.
Condoleeza Rice: And we can oprove this?
Vice-President Dick Cheney: I’d love to – but it’s classified!
Condoleeza Rice: [ stunned ] I-I-I’m sorry, Mr. Vice-President, but I-I-I still have my doubts..
Vice-President Dick Cheney: Yeah, I know. But, if all else fails, I did have one other idea that I think would work.
Condoleeza Rice: Yes, please, what is that?
Vice-President Dick Cheney: Well.. I think you should flash a boob.
Condoleeza Rice: [ dismayed ] Excuse me?
Vice-President Dick Cheney: Just one headlight – real quick! [ chuckles ] See, it does two things – you win over the liberals, plus it’s a distraction for the press. You flash a bosom, I guarantee you that’s going to be the headline – not the Bin Laden thing! I guarantee it!
Condoleeza Rice: Sir, I was a Provost at Stanford. I am a concert-level pianist. I’ve read War And Peace in original Russian.
Vice-President Dick Cheney: Oh, loosen up, Condi, we’re talking about one fun bag! It’s perfectly natural!
Condoleeza Rice: [ stands ] I am not a prude, sir. But this hearing is not the forum for that kind of lewd conduct. There are other forums – like pay television, or national sporting championships. That would be fine, but I am the National Security Advisor.
Vice-President Dick Cheney: You’re right. I’m sorry. It was Ashcroft’s idea. [ chuckles ] Condi.. you’re going to be fine.
Condoleeza Rice: Thank you, sir. [ exits office ]
Vice-President Dick Cheney: [ leans back in his chair ] Ooh, boy.. oh, boy..
Kean: Thank you very much, Dr. Rice. I appreciate your statement, your attendance and your service.
Condoleeza Rice: [ smiles wide ]
Kean: I have a couple of questions. As we understand it, when you first came into office, you’d just been through a very difficult campaign .. you walk in and Dick Clarke is talking about al-Qaida should be our number-one priority .. What did you think, and what did you tell the president, as you get that kind of, I suppose, new information for you?
Condoleeza Rice: [ stammers, then pulls her shirt open, pixellated boob exposed ] “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”
…..Jimmy Fallon …..Tina Fey Dr. Condoleeza Rice…..Maya Rudolph Kevin Eubanks…..Finesse Mitchell
Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, it’s “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”
Jimmy Fallon: Hi, I’m Jimmy Fallon.
Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey, and here are tonight’s top stories:
In response to a request by the 9/11 commission, the White House agreed to declassify the Presidents daily intelligence briefing from August 6, 2001, entitled Bin Laden Determined to Attack Inside the United States. The committee also wants to see the August 20th briefing, No, Seriously, Bin Laden Determined to Attack Inside the United States, and the one from the 26th, Mr. President, Please Put Down the Game Boy, Bin Laden Determined to Attack Inside the United States.
Parts of the August sixth memo were just declassified hours ago. Heres a look of the cover page, with the Presidents notes.
[picture of the cover page with sloppy notes written on it, including several games of tic-tac-toe, and the word GAY with an arrow pointed towards Bin Laden, as well as Ozzy Rules! and I love Condo-Lisa]
Looks like, um, he was on top of things. Thats good.
Jimmy Fallon: The Jewish holiday Passover began Monday. At Seder tables everywhere, uh, Jews uttered the phrase Next year in Jerusalem, where Jews in Jerusalem uttered the phrase, Get me the hell out of here.
Tina Fey: While questioning Condoleeza Rice during Thursdays hearings, Democrat Bob Kerrey mistakenly addressed her as Dr. Clarke, and then, even more embarrassingly, as Omarosa.
In response to the escalating violence this week in Iraq, President Bush is delaying the return home of 25,000 troops, and will actually add reinforcements to the South. So then, in a symbolic gesture, he pulled down the Mission Accomplished banner, put on a flight suit, walked backwards to a jet fighter, and flew it in reverse off an aircraft carrier.
Jimmy Fallon: A, uh- a Ringling Brothers Circus daredevil shocked the crowd at Madison Square Garden Tuesday, when he slipped off a high wire and plunged more than thirty feet to the ground. The trick was called the Howard Dean.
To make matters worse, when the paramedics showed up, there was no room in the ambulance. Absolutely terrible, terrible evening at the circus. [picture of small ambulance filled with clowns; some applause]
Tina Fey: The big story this week was Condoleeza Rices testimony before the committee to investigate pre-9/11 intelligence failures. Here now with further comment is Condoleeza Rice. [pan to Dr. Rice]
[SUPER: Dr. Condoleeza Rice / National Security Advisor]
Dr. Condoleeza Rice: [in a serious tone] Hello Tina, Jimmy. Thank you for this opportunity to further discuss these issues. Tina, as I have said, there was no silver bullet that would have prevented the attacks. Richard Clarke did issue that memo, and I did read it. But it was purely an historical document, not a plan to prevent the tragedy from occurring.
Tina Fey: Well, you know, Dr. Rice, your testimony in front of the commission was all done under oath, but this is, uh, this is all strictly off the record here.
Dr. Condoleeza Rice: Oh, off the record?
Tina Fey: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Condoleeza Rice: OK, heres what went down. I got that memo, and I was like, oh, brudder. So I went right into the Presidents office, and I was like, Hey, dude! You have to read this! And he was just like, uhhh, duhhhh.
And I go, Mr. President, this could be really important! And hes like, uhhh, duhhhh.
Tina Fey: So you never got him to read it?
Dr. Condoleeza Rice: No! Do you know how hard it is to get him off that treadmill once he gets going? Hes, like, a hamster in a little wheel! Then- then he goes, [squinting] Show it to Cheney.
So I head over to Heart Attack Jones office, and hes like, [imitating a robot] Reep-ropp-ropp-roop-roop-roop. Show it to Fleischer.
Tina Fey: So did you try anyone else? Did you try Fleischer?
Dr. Condoleeza Rice: I took it to Ari Fleischer, but when I got to his office there was a scrunchie on his doorknob, which meant his j-date had gone very well. I- I couldnt get anyone to read it, it was hopeless!
Tina Fey: So they all ignored it. Why did you cover for them?
Dr. Condoleeza Rice: On the record? [seriously] Because I believe in the vision of this administration, and want to help them bring democracy to the world.
Off the record? [hand to her mouth] They bought me a Range Rover and promised me VP in 08, yall! Bye!
Tina Fey: Condie Rice, everyone! [applause] Condoleeza Rice, one of two, equally delightful-[referring to a previous sketch in which Dr. Rice was played by host Janet Jackson]
Jimmy Fallon: It is rumored that Pam Anderson and Tommy Lee are back together. Apparently they were seen holding genitals in public.
Tina Fey: This Wednesday marked the 100th anniversary of New Yorks Times Square. To celebrate, a bunch of tourists got in everyones way. [applause]
While on vacation in Hawaii Wednesday, California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger rescued a swimmer from drowning. No word yet whether Arnold knew that the swimmer was drowning, or if this was just a groping gone good.
Jimmy Fallon: The son of Libyan leader Moammar Kadaffi has invited Jews who were kicked out of his country in 1967 to come back, saying that Libya is their country, and their original homeland. A spokesman for Jews responded, [clarinet music plays; Jimmy imitates Woody Allen] You know, I- Id love to, you know, but Ive already got plans to time travel back to Nazi Germany. [applause]
Tina Fey: Bravo- [cracks up] Bravo is planning a spinoff of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy called Queer Eye for the Straight Girl, in which a group of gay men will help a heterosexual woman confirm her fears that shes fat and disgusting.
Jennifer Lopez will be interviewed by James Lipton on Inside the Actors Studio. Even for James Lipton, thats gonna be a lot of ass to kiss. [some applause]
The renowned Carnegie Deli in New York City failed its third health inspection in three months this week.
Jimmy Fallon: Aww man, I love the Carnegie! That- thats where they have those huge sandwiches named after celebrities.
Tina Fey: Yeah.
Jimmy Fallon: You know- you know they got a sandwich named after me, uh, the Jimmy Fallon.
Tina Fey: Yeah, its 170 pounds of ham with a bad haircut.
[Cut to Kevin Eubanks, suddenly sitting next to Jimmy, holding his guitar]
Jimmy Fallon: Wow, hilarious. Kevin Eubanks from The Tonight Show, everybody! [applause] Hilarious! That actually made you-
Kevin Eubanks: She got you, Jimmy! Ha! She got- 170 pounds of ham! [laughter]
Jimmy Fallon: That got you! That got you, been crackin you up, man. Hey, what are you, uh, what are you doing here, buddy?
Kevin Eubanks: I just cant take it anymore! [laughs] Im gonna snap, man! [laughs] Im gonna snap!
Jimmy Fallon: Kevin Eubanks, everybody! [applause] Good to see you, man!
Tina Fey: [picture of Victorias Secret advertisement featuring Bob Dylan and a young girl] I think I finally figured out the message of the new Victorias Secret commercial. Buy our lingerie, or Bob Dylan will kill this model.
Ingvar Kamprad, the Swedish man who founded Ikea, has overtaken Bill Gates as the worlds richest man, with a fortune of 53 billion dollars. He plans to use the money to finally buy some nice furniture. [some applause]
Jimmy Fallon: On Tuesday, the Alabama senate voted to make whiskey the official state spirit. This replaces Alabamas old official state spirit: racism. [some applause]
Tina Fey: It was reported- [pause] It was reported that Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones are trying to have a third child together. Ugh, Michael Douglas, we get it! Your junk still works! Leave that poor lady alone!
Dutch eye surgeons have created Jewel Eye, which is a tiny bobble that is implanted in the thin membrane in front of the eyeball, which, though gross, is still better than Jewel teeth. [picture of pop singer Jewel and her bad teeth]
Jimmy Fallon: Wait a second! Wait a second. Jewel Eye?
Tina Fey: Yeah.
Jimmy Fallon: Jewel Eye! Thats my favorite James Bond film!
[reaches to pick up a cordless microphone, stands up, and waves the mic like James Bond waving a gun. Bond movie-style music plays]
“Jewel Eye Watch out for that thing in her eye Mean guy Gonna build a bomb, take away our jewels Jewel Eyeeeee-yieeee, yeah!”
[applause]
For Weekend Update, I’m Jimmy Fallon.
Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 29: Episode 18 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
May 1st, 2004 Lindsay Lohan Usher None Ludacris9/11 BriefingSummary: Vice-President Dick Cheney (Darrell Hammond) briefs President George W. Bush (Will Forte) on the 9/11 hearings. Recurring Characters: George W. Bush, Dick Cheney. Transcript
Montage
Lindsay Lohan’s MonologueSummary: Lindsay Lohan apologizes to Hillary Duff (Rachel Dratch), who apologizes to Avril Lavigne (Amy Poehler), who apologizes to Whitney Houston (Maya Rudolph), who doesn’t apologize to Chris Parnell. Recurring Characters: Avril Lavigne, Whitney Houston. Bio: Teen actress Lindsay Lohan (1986-) stars in the film “Mean Girls”, written by Tina Fey. Also Hosted: 04t, 05p. Transcript
Turlington’s Lower Back Tattoo RemoverSummary: Dr. Edward Turlington’s (Chris Parnell) lotion erases Mom’s (Amy Poehler) youthful attempts at coolness. Transcript
Jarret’s RoomSummary: Forced to move out of their dorm room, Jarret (Jimmy Fallon) and Goby (Horatio Sanz) welcome the new student (Lindsay Lohan) who’s moving in. Recurring Characters: Jarret, Goby, DJ Jonathan Feinstein. Transcript
Hogwart’s AcademySummary: Hermione’s (Lindsay Lohan) summer growth spurt rages pre-wizard hormones among her classmates. Recurring Characters: Harry Potter. Transcript
Billy JoelSummary: Drunken Billy Joel (Horatio Sanz) drives teenage girls (Lindsay Lohan, Amy Poehler, Tina Fey, Rachel Dratch) to Russell Simmons’ party. Note: Of the objects thrown at the windshield to make it look like Billy Joel is driving into them, a mailbox lands firmly on the hood and remains in place until Horatio Sanz reaches out of the window to knock it off with a wine bottle. Transcript
Usher, with Ludacris, performs “Yeah”Bio: Usher (1978-) began his singing career in the church choir in Atlanta, Georgia prior to becoming a popular R&B performer and actor.
Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina FeySummary: G.E.D. candidate Jorge Rodriguez (Horatio Sanz) tells his personal story of triumph. Recurring Characters: Jorge Rodriguez. Transcript
Debbie DownerSummary: Debbie Downer (Rachel Dratch) cracks up while focusing on the bad side of life. Recurring Characters: Debbie Downer. Transcript
Club TraxxSummary: Pretend lesbian group D.A.D.I. (Lindsay Lohan, Rachel Dratch) performs in the studio. Recurring Characters: Beertje van Beers, Leonard. Transcript
The SleepoverSummary: Kaitlin (Amy Poehler) invites the most popular girl (Lindsay Lohan) at school over for a sleepover. Recurring Characters: Kaitlin, Rick. Note: This sketch was cut from the previous episode hosted by Janet Jackson. Transcript
Usher performs “Burn”
17th Annual Adult Movie AwardsSummary: Due to the sensitive nature of the broadcast, the awards show is cut short. Note: This sketch was cut from the dress rehearsals of the episodes hosted by Colin Firth and Ben Affleck. Transcript
Dress Rehearsal Cuts CheerleadersSummary: The head cheerleader (Amy Poehler) gets stuck in the clouds after a powerful boost.
The BathtubSummary: A conversation between family members takes place exclusively in the bathtub.
“The Adventures Of Harold”Summary: T. Sean Shannon film follows the adventures of a 12-year old bald boy at school. Note: This film appears on the season finale episode hosted by Mary-Kate & Ashley Olsen.
Spy GlassSummary: Teen correspondent (Lindsay Lohan) gabs celebrity gossip with Ian Gerrard (Seth Meyers) and Zoe Anderton (Amy Poehler). Recurring Characters: Ian Gerrard, Zoe Anderton, Gene Shalit.
Randy: [ laughs ] I’m, uh.. I’m sure my co-workers will be here in a.. in a moment. I had no idea.. [ laughs ] I had no idea it was going to be this cold this morning! Did anybody else.. try to play golf? Because it was.. it was cold! [ chuckles ] I’m sure they’ll be here any second..
[ the door opens, and in walks the two co-workers, each looking rather disheveled and unkempt ]
Randy: Oh! Thanks goodness, here they are!
Katie: Hello, good morning.
Ray: ..Good morning.
Randy: Hey, you guys – this is Katie Platt and Ray Fatone. They’ve prepared a presentation, outlining our national sales strategies. Ray? Katie? Take it away! Fantastic!
Katie: [ sighs ] Before we get started.. does anybody have any Pepto tablets? [ no response ] No one? No one. Great. Okay, start.
Ray: Did you, uh —
Katie: I told you ten times, I don’t care! Just go ahead!
Ray: Well, why don’t you just finish your coffee, and then we’ll —
Katie: I told you, I can’t finish my coffee because I’m nauseous!
Ray: Uhh.. hello, everyone —
Katie: Oh, man.. turning on the charm..
Ray: Uhh.. this year has been one of the biggest years Keen Corp. has ever seen, in terms of growth. Uh.. want to give me a hand here, please?
Katie: Sure. [ clears her throat ]
Ray: I want to, uh.. apologize for this handwritten chart because of.. certain circumstances. Katie’s computer, uh.. got ruined, so uh – long story short: we do not have a Powerpoint presentation for you today —
Katie: No.
Ray: — but we feel that we are perfectly capable of walking you through this. In fact, uh.. in many ways, uh.. this chart says exactly what we want it to say. So, just take a few minutes to scan this, and uh.. [ turns to Katie ] Katie? Can I talk to you for a minute, please?
Katie: Sure.
Ray: Yeah.
[ they step behind their homemade presentation board for some privacy ]
Ray: I just want you to know that, uh.. I had a really good time last night..
Katie: [ angry ] Oh! Don’t even! So you have no idea where my bra went?!
Ray: Well, how do I know where your bra went?!
Katie: You took it off me!
Ray: It’s probably in the pool.. or in my rental car, or in your rental car!
Katie: Well, let me tell you something. It is.. it is a new bra! And it’s the only one I have for the whole weekend! So —
[ fearful of being missed, Ray and Katie step out from behind their presentation to re-adress the room ]
Ray: Uh.. uh.. uh.. so, uh.. as you can see from this chart.. the Keen Corporation has, uh.. gone above and beyond all expectations.
Katie: [ remembering ] Oh! You know what, it’s on the balcony.
Randy: Uh, what’s that, Katie?
Katie: Uhhh.. I’m sorry. I just remembered where I.. put something.
Randy: Listen, do you guys need a minute? Because, uh.. the food’s here, we could take a little break..?
Katie: Nooooo! Let’s just power through this!
Randy: Fantastic!
Katie: Okay. Um.. our number one goal this year, at Keen Corp. — [ turns to Ray ] You know, can I talk to you for a second?
Ray: Sure.
[ they step behind their homemade presentation board for more privacy ]
Katie: F.Y.I. and P.S.! I am capable of having a night of sex without any emotional committment!
Ray: Well, I can see that, because you’re handling it quite well!
Katie: You didn’t have any problem with how I was handling it last night!
Ray: I think you should turn up the volume! Everyone at Keen Corp can hear you!
Katie: You are a royal pig!
Ray: Ssshhhh!
[ Randy peeks in ]
Randy: We can do this later, if you guys want more time to —
Ray: Randy!!
Randy: Fantastic.
[ Ray and Katie step back out ]
Ray: Are you implying that I started what happened last night?
Katie: Well, that Prince CD didn’t just start playing by itself!
Ray: Ohhhh! And I suppose a gust of wind blew your clothes off!
Katie: Oh, give me a break! You were the one who told me I look like Jewel! And that you have the hots for Jewel!
Ray: For crying out loud! After ten beers, my mom looks like Jewel!
Randy: I think I should tell you two that your behavior is really inappropriate! Now, look! We are paying.. to have you here at this nice hotel. So, either straighten out and give this presentation, or get out of here and stop embarrassing yourselves!
Ray: I’m sorry, Randy..
Katie: Sorry, Randy..
Ray: Uh..
Katie: Hey! [ chuckles ]
Ray: [ looks at everyone ] What?!
Katie: Yeah! Right! I man, we’ve all gotten rip-assed drunk and scrumped a co-worker, right?
[ no response ]
Ray: I mean, look.. the only two things – okay, four things that we did wrong last night were, uh: cheating on our spouses, drinking and driving, not completing the presentation, and having unprotected sex. So freakin’ what?!
Katie: Yeah. Sorry for being human! [ laughs ]
Ray: So, here’s how this presentation is going to go down: we’ll finish what we have left, and everyone’s gonna shut up.. and listen. Because here’s my presentation.
[ soft music pots up ]
This woman – one Katie Platt – has singlehandedly put the spice back into my bland, sorry excuse for a life! She makes me laugh from my gut, she can drink me under the table.. and, even though she hates her body, she’s a hellcat in the sack!
Katie: [ touched ] Oh, my God.. that’s so sweet! and, even though I’m incredibly nauseous right now, I want you again!
Ray: You don’t have to ask me twice, my lady!
[ Ray pushes Katie onto the table, then climbs onboard to pleasure her ]
Katie: Ahhhhhh, yes!
[ all the executives dash out of the room, except for one frumpy-looking female executive. Randy decides to make his move on her ]
Randy: Hey, you want to go somewhere and.. work on a presentation? I’ve got some Bacardi Breezers in my fridge, and.. you know who you look like? Shania Twain.
Tony Bennett….Alec Baldwin Pat Malonowski….Horatio Sanz Robert Durst….Fred Armisen
[Opens with THE TONY BENNETT LOGO. Swanky suite at a Las Vegas hotel]
Announcer: Its The Tony Bennett Show. Ladies and gentlemen, Tony Bennett.
[Tony comes out with a mic on his hand]
Tony Bennett: Hello everybody! [sings] I love things that are great. Good things are fantastic, guess what? I also paint, just a hobby nothing drastic. But one thing’s for sure, I love things, sca-dooba-da-beepop! That are gre-e-e-e-eat! Yeah! Hey! Hey, everybody! Thank you so very much. Today we got a terrific, terrific, terrific show for you. [sits] We got a whole bunch of great, great stuff. Later on, we’re gonna be mellowing out with Fat Joe, one of the great fellows singing out there today. He and I recently performed together at the Ethnic Doings at the Central Florida fairgrounds. A big guy with a big voice. But first I’d like you to meet my sidekick today on The Tony Bennett Show. I sat next to this businessman fellow on a flight to Phoenix and he made me laugh so hard I almost whizzed in my dockers. Please welcome, Pat Malonowski.
[Pat comes out, sits next to Tony]
Tony Bennett: Pat, I’m already laughing.
Pat Malonowski: Hey, Tony. Its great to be here.
Tony Bennett: I’ve worked beside a lot of comics over the years and this guy cracked up my walnuts better than any of them.
Pat Malonowski: Well, that’s real nice of you.
Tony Bennett: Hey, tell ’em that joke, Pat.
Pat Malonowski: Which one?
Tony Bennett: The one that made me spit my whiskey sour straight out of my nose.
Pat Malonowski: Oh, gosh. I don’t think there is an appropriate way to tell that one on tv.
Tony Bennett: That’s a real shame, Pat. Its a great, great joke. Couldn’t you maybe change up a few of the words a little bit? Change that one word to “kitty cat”. And that other word to “rooster sucker”.
Pat Malonowski: I probably shouldn’t there, Tony.
Tony Bennett: I guess you’re right. I’m glad you’re here anyway. I’d like to bring out my first guest. He’s a millionaire who chopped up his neighbor in their apartment complex. Some people seem to have a beef with that. He just won the big court case so I bet he’s got some pep in his step. Please welcome, Robert Durst. [Creepy white haired dude comes in, sits] Thank you for coming, Robert. You look great. Hey, that’s a real top-notch sport-coat. James Garner, I mean, eat your heart out.
Robert Durst: Oh why, thank you.
Tony Bennett: So how’s it going?
Robert Durst: Well, better now. I was a little scared there for a while.
Tony Bennett: Now, uh, you chopped up your neighbor! Tell us about that.
Robert Durst: Well, he raged at me. And as I was defending myself, I fell and accidentally…chopped him up.
Tony Bennett: Man, that’s outta sight. Now, I’m a pretty laid-back kind of guy. But I’ve had my own gripes with my neighbors over the years. You know, one summer I lived next door to Richie Sambora at Big Bear Lake. And this dude had a tropical bird the size of Chita Rivera that just wouldn’t stop squawking.
Robert Durst: Oh, that would wear me out.
Tony Bennett: You telling me Robert. Now, what’s the scoop on this first wife of yours that went missing? Did you chop her up too?
Robert Durst: I had absolutely nothing to do with that…
Tony Bennett: Hey, Robert. hold that thought on the chopping up your missing wife business. I gotta mention one of our sponsors. [holds a maxi-pad package] Stayfree Super Maxi-pads with 4-walls protection. Robert, do you mind? [Robert holds the maxi-pads] In my book, all ladies should look like Angie Dickinson. That’s why its a shame when their monthlies keep them from wearing cream-colored pantsuits. You know, I once made love to Angie Dickinson for 7 hours! Then a security guard came in and said: “Mr. Bennett, Madame Tussuad’s is closing”.[throws maxi-pads away] Anyway, we’re back with Robert Durst. Now, they also say that you’re something of a cross-dresser.
Robert Durst: Well, you know, on occasion. I have dressed in women’s clothing…accidentally, yes.
Tony Bennett: Well, I think its just great when you can put on women’s clothes, have a fight with a neighbor who rages at you, chop him up and then you both just say “uncle”. You know, I still regret not clearing things up with Richie Sambora. Sometimes I think that’s why I have trouble sleeping. In fact, I’ll just call him up right now and try to get the whole thing over with. [picks up phone] Our friends at AT&T will connect me. [phone rings]
Richie Sambora: [over the phone] Yeah? Yeah?
Tony Bennett: Is this Richie Sambora?
Richie Sambora: Yeah, who is this?
Tony Bennett: This is your neighbor, Tony Bennett. I got a beef with your bird.
Richie Sambora: I’m sorry. Who is this?
Tony Bennett: [hangs up] I heard it. He said: “I’m sorry”. That’s what I’ve been waiting for 12 years. A simple apology from Richie Sambora. Isn’t it great, Robert, when it all works out in the end?
Robert Durst: It’s so great. It really is the best.
Pat Malonowski: Hey, I just figured out how I can tell that joke.
Tony Bennett: Fantastic. Take it away, Pat! You cats are gonna love this one.
Pat Malonowski: All right. Here we go. This guy walks into a prostitution house and says: “You have any Asian kitty cat that can handle my giant rooster?” [embarrassed] Hey, you know what, I can’t tell that joke.
Tony Bennett: Pat, you know, you still killed me with that one on the plane. Hey, what do say you guys, we get up there and we sing a little something for our friends, huh? Come on.
[Robert and Pat have mics along with Tony]
Tony Bennett, Robert and Pat: [singing] I don’t believe in fretting or grieving, why mess around with strife? I never was cut out to stamp or strut out, give me the simple life.
Tony Bennett: Fat Joe, I’m gonna have to catch you on the flipside. I wanna say thanks to my guests Robert the neighbor chopper, Angie Dickinson, Richie Sambora, those maxi-pads with 4-wall protection and crazy Pat, the rooster sucker!
Tony, Robert and Pat: [singing] I find it pleasant dining on pheasant those things roll off my knife, and serve me tomatoes and mashed potatoes give me-e-e-e-e-e….the simple li-i-i-i-i-ife!
…..Jimmy Fallon …..Tina Fey …..Will Forte …..Fred Armisen Voice of Christian Slater…..Jimmy Fallon
Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, it’s “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”
Jimmy Fallon: I’m Jimmy Fallon.
Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey. Here are tonight’s top stories.
The UN nuclear watchdog group said in a confidential report Monday, that it has found on evidence of an atomic bomb program in Iran. Leaving the U.S. no choice but to attack!
On Sunday, al Gore called for an appeal of the U.S. Patriot Act, and accused President Bush’s administration of undermining civil liberties and exploiting public fears about terrorism. And then, as always, the cashier nodded and gave him his Big Mac.
Jimmy Fallon: In a Veteran’s Day speech this Tuesday, President Bush vowed: “We will finish the mission we have begun – period.” Afterwards, he was advised that, in the future, he doesn’t have to read the punctuation marks.
Singer Wynona Judd was arrested this week for driving under the influence. A test of her blood revealed an alcohol content of 1.75, and a gravy content of 3.40.
Tina Fey: That’s above the legal limit.
Jimmy Fallon: Yeah, too much gravy!
Tina Fey: When asked to comment on the massive rain and hailstorms that hit southern California this week, Governor-Elect Arnold Schwarzenegger said, [ in Arnold voice ] “Ze hailstorms are fantastic! I promised you more action, and I delivered! We had fires, we had the ice! Now that Jerry Bruckheimer’s working on ‘Tsnami’, we’re going to make California the #1 action state in the vorld!”
This January, Kevin Costner will be honored by the Palm Springs International Film Festival, for his contribution to film. This gives costner just two months to make a contribution to film.
Jimmy Fallon: Justin Guarini, from “American Idol”, has been sued by a couple after he allegedly rammed into the back of their car. Fortunately, Guarini avoided injury, thanks to his driver-side hair bag.
Tina Fey: As many of you know, an illicit sex tape, starring Paris Hilton, hit the internet this week. Here with a review, is our own Will Forte.
Will Forte: Thanks, Tina. Thank you. You know, I’ve seen this tape, and I’ve gotta say, I found it kinda boring. And I’m not making a snap judgment here. I’ve wathced it, lik,e 80-90 times, and I just don’t see what all the hype is about. Fortunately, America, there’s another celebrity sex tape about to hit the streets, that is so hot, it’ll melt your VCR. Presenting: The Will Forte Sex Tape. [ holds up video box ]
Tina Fey: You have a celebrity sex tape?
Will Forte: Fine, Tina – semi-celebrity sex tape. But this baby is sure to make me a big star! Roll it.
Tina Fey: No, no! Don’t roll it —
Will Forte: Roll it!
[ cut to video of Will Forte dancing naked (with a big black dot over his privates) in a hotel room. He performs a naked Thighmaster routine, and even pours honey over his chest and privates. ]
[ video shifts to Will adjusting the camera ]
Will Forte: Perfect!
[ Will hops back into the bed, where Fred Armisen waits ]
Tina Fey V/O: Oh, that’s Fred..
[ on video, Will and Fred almost kiss, until Will interrupts the thought ]
Will Forte: Fred, why don’t you face that way, so you can see how pretty you look.
[ Fred Armisen movies closer to the camera to pose ]
[ fade back to the Update desk ]
Tina Fey: Wow..
Will Forte: You’re welcome, everyone! You’re welcome! And that’s just a small sample of what you’ll get for only $79.95, available at Best Buy.
Tina Fey: You can buy this at Best Buy?!
Will Forte: Fine – the sidewalk outside of Best Buy. See you thee, sex tape fans!
Tina Fey: Will Forte, everyone!
Jimmy Fallon: Jethro Tull was removed from the playlist of a classic rock station in New Jersey, after lead singer Ian Anderson criticized people hanging American flags in their cars. Apparently, listeners are so mad they’re flushing their flutes odwn the toilet.
[ flute riff from “Teacher” plays ]
Flute-rock, Tina! You don’t know anything about it, never! You never get it, ever!
Tina Fey: You’re right.. I don’t.
The owners of our very own building, Rockefeller Center, have announced plans to reopen the building’s 70th floor observation deck, which has been closed to the public for 17 years. I guess that means that Tom Brokaw and I will have to find a new place to secretly make love.
In an interview with W Magazine, Joan Rivers compared plastic surgery to car maintenance, saying you have to do it every two years. But, even for a car, she looks awful!
Jimmy Fallon: Christina Aguilera cancelled two concerts in England, saying that she has acute bronchitis. Actually, it used to be cute, but now it’s just kind of a-skanky.
Tina Fey: Christian Slater’s wife, Ryan Hadden, was arrested and charged with domestic battery Minday, after hitting Slater on the head with a glass during a fight at the Las Vegas Hard Rock Resort, giving him nine stitches. On the phone now, to comment about his ordeal, is Christian Slater. Christian, uh.. are you there? How you doing?
Christian Slater: Greetings and salutations, Tina. It’s been quite an ordeal for me. I’m just, uh.. sitting here recovering at home, with my good friend Jack Nicholson.
Tina Fey: Oh, wait? Jack Nicholson is there? Well, let me talk to him!
Christian Slater: Hold on, uh, let me get him, okay?
Faux Jack Nicholson: Hello?
Tina Fey: Hello! Mr. Nicholson?
Faux Jack Nicholson: Hi, how are you doing?
Tina Fey: I’m fine, thank you! Jack, what do you think about Christian being attacked by his wife?
Christian Slater: No, this is still Christian Slater. I haven’t passed the phone to Jack yet, I can’t find him. Oh wait, here he is! Hold on!
Faux Jack Nicholson: Hello?
Tina Fey: Hello!
Faux Jack Nicholson: Hi, how are you?
Tina Fey: Oh, hey! Jack Nicholson! Hi! Great!
Christian Slater: No, this is still Christian.. Jack walked over to the damn kitchen, here he comes back now. I can’t believe my wife hit me on the head with a glass.
Tina Fey: Are we gonna talk to Jack Nicholson?
Christian Slater: Sure, sure.. here he is.
Faux Jack Nicholson: Hi, Tina. How are you?
Tina Fey: Who am I talking to right now?
Faux Jack Nicholson: This is Jack Nicholson.
Tina Fey: Okay. Hi, Jack.
Christian Slater: Just kidding! It’s Christian Slater! I don’t know where Jack is. Look, I gotta go, I got a.. headache, because my wife threw a glass at me at the Hard Rock Casino. Bye, Tina~
Tina Fey: Alright, okay. Christian Slater, and not Jack Nicholson, everybody.
Jimmy Fallon: Actress Demi Moore turned 40 on Tuesday, but she feels like a 25 year old inside.
Tina Fey: Ohhhhhh!
Jimmy Fallon: Yeah! I did that! Yeah! I did that!
Tina Fey: The judge in the Rosie O’Donnell breach of contract suit ruled Wednesday that neither Rosie nor her publisher was entitled to any damages. Even so, Rosie didn’t go home entirely empty-handed.
Jimmy Fallon: According to new research, monkeys whose ovaries were removed ate 67% more food than other monkeys. This may explain why many women gain weight after menopause, and why I can’t get my fat monkey pregnant.
Jimmy Fallon: For Weekend Update, I’m Jimmy Fallon!
Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey! Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow!
Head Scientist…..Chris Parnell Dave Clinger…..Seth Meyers Sheila…..Maya Rudolph Dr. Greg Burns…..Alec Baldwin
[ open on interior, planetarium ]
Head Scientist: Thank you all for coming here on such short notice. As you probably know, a recent diagnostic test of the Gray’s II satellite, has revealed a flaw in its orbit computer. We’ve assembled you – the finest minds in the field – to find a solution. So.. get acquainted, get to know each other, and.. let’s get to work. Any questions?
Dave Clinger: Ah, I have a question, it’s about your haircut. When exactly did Brillo Pads start making toupees? [ laughs ] You just got zinged! [ mimes gunslinger actions ]
Head Scientist: I’m sorry, I don’t think I’ve had the pleasure.
Dave Clinger: Uhhhh.. the name’s Dave Clinger, but my friends call me Dave “Zinger”, on account of my awesome, awesome zings!
Head Scientist: Um.. nice to meet you. Now, back to the satellite. I’d like to open up the floor for suggestions, and time is of the essence.
Sheila: Is there any way to increase the thrust?
Dave Clinger: Yeah! Play some Teddy Pendergrass and pour me some Margaritas! [ laughs ] You got zinged, too! [ mimes Zorro moves ] The mark! Of Zingo! Zing!
Sheila: What are you doing?
Dave Clinger: Oh! [ chuckles ] It’s just I’ve been told I’m really good at zings! So, when I have a good one, I do something afterwards, just to let everyone know that a.. really good zing has happened!
Head Scientist: That’s great. Can we continue?
Dave Clinger: I don’t know, can we? Mini-zing, bing! Keep going.
Head Scientist: [ sighs ] As I was saying.. if we can’t find a solution to this within 48 hours, we may lose serious torque.
[ Dr. Greg Burns enters the room ]
Dr. Greg Burns: Serious torque? All I see is a roomful of serious dorks! [ chuckles, then mimes an explosion ] You’re burrrrrrned!
Head Scientist: And, whom might you be?
Dr. Greg Burns: I’m Dr. Greg Burns, but my friends called me Greg “Burn”, on account of all the burnage!
[ music sting, as Clinger steps forward ]
Dave Clinger: Burn.
Dr. Greg Burns: Zinger.
Dave Clinger: I heard you were out of the zinger game. I heard you retired, and they named Second Place after you. [ mimes bow and arrow ] Ziiiing!
Dr. Greg Burns: Nice burn, Zinger. By the way, you still owe me that rent check, since you spend all your time living in my shadow! [ chuckles, then mimes rubbing two sticks together to create fire ] You’re burrrrrrned!
Dave Clinger: Yeah, uh, uh.. I’ve been meaning to send you that rent check. I want to make sure it gets to you, though, so uh.. is “Dickwad” one word or two? [ mimes cellphone ringing ] Excuse me for one moment. [ answers imaginary cellphone ] Hello? Yeah, no.. he’s here. [ to Burn ] It’s for you.
Dr. Greg Burns: [ takes the imaginary cellphone ] Hello?
Dave Clinger: Hi, this is the Operator – you’ve just been zinged!
Head Scientist: Gentlemen, please! Could you keep it down?!
Dr. Greg Burns: Ohhh, he’ll have no problem keeping it down, since he can’t keep it up! [ chuckles, mimes pouring coffee ] Glug-glug-glug.. ohhh, this coffee is too hot, would you mind holding it, please, for a minute? [ Clinger takes the imaginary cup ] Yeah. Hey, what time is it? [ Clinger turns the imaginary cup over to look at his watch, spilling the imaginary coffee on his pants ] Burrrrrrrrn!!
Dr. Greg Burns: [ outraged ] Gentlemen! This cannot continue! We have important work to do here! I’m going to have to demand.. that you guys have a Best of 3 Zing/Burn Off, with the winner declared Zingmaster.
Dr. Greg Burns: [ defensive ] Or Burnmaster!
Head Scientist: My apologies. Or Burnmaster. And, then we can get back to the business of saving this billion-dollar satellite.
Dr. Greg Burns: I’m sure this won’t be too hard.
Dave Clinger: [ mimicking ] “I’m sure this won’t be too hard“? Isn’t that what you said to your wife on your honeymoon? [ laughs, then mimes casting out a fishing line and pulling in a big one ] Whoa-oa, stay still.. [ holds up his imaginary fish in front of Dr. Burns, then mimes taking a snapshot ] Smile! [ displays the imaginary photo ] See? It’s me, it’s you.. and you’ve just been ZINGED!! Don’t even think about trying to touch this!!
Dr. Greg Burns: [ mimicking ] “Don’t even think about touching this“? Isn’t that what it says on the picture of your crotch at the free clinic?! [ laughs triumphantly, then mimes chainsawing a tree down ] Timberrrrrrrrrnn!!
Sheila: Sir.. we should really focus on the satellite —
Head Scientist: Not now, Sheila!! It’s 1 to 1 – the next Zinger or Burn decides it!
[ dramatic music, as Clinger and Burns consider their next zing or burn ]
Dave Clinger: STOP!! [ a beat ] I can’t take this war. We’re supposed to be scientists, working together for the common good.
Dr. Greg Burns: Nice try, Zinger. You can’t fool me.
Dave Clinger: I’m serious! We meed to put aside our petty difference, and work together. For once.. let Burns.. and Zinger stand side by side.
Dr. Greg Burns: Wow, Zinger. I never thought I’d say this.. but you’re a pretty good guy. [ puts his arm around Clinger ]
Dave Clinger: Whoaaaaaa!! Burns! If you want to make out with me, you’d better buy me a drink first! [ laughs, then mimes playing basketball ] Ohhh, he was fouled! [ mimes taking a basketball free shot ] Swish! Four-point zing! Yyyyyyyeahh!!
Dr. Greg Burns: You win this time, Zing! But I’ll be back!
[ Clinger continues shoooting his basketball zings ]
Head Scientist: Well, why don’t we move on to the next room, so we can.. discuss the business of this very important satellite.
[ the scientists exit to the next room, as Clinger continues to mime shooting basketball zings ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 29: Episode 7 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests:
December 6th, 2003 Rev. Al Sharpton Pink Tracy Morgan Paris Hilton A Message From the President of NBC EntertainmentSummary: Because the Rev. Al Sharpton is hosting “Saturday Night Live”, NBC President Jeff Zucker (Jimmy Fallon) outlines equal-time programming for the other Democratic candidates. Recurring Characters: Jeff Zucker. Transcript
MontageNote: This episode didn’t air in New Hampshire, Iowa, and three other states because they hosted early presidential primaries. “The Best of Steve Martin” aired in its place, and those markets were unable to view the episode until NBC finally reran it on July 31, 2004.
Rev. Al Sharpton’s MonologueSummary: The Rev. Al Sharpton’s younger self (Tracy Morgan) criticizes his growth as a human being. Recurring Characters: Rev. Al Sharpton. Bio: A man of many hats, the Rev. Al Sharpton (1954-) has been a civil rights activist, a minister, a would-be politician, and a tour manager for James Brown in the 1970’s. Transcript
Mom JeansSummary: The jeans with the shapely fit that says you’re a mom, not a woman. Note: Repeat from 05/10/03. Note: Originally, the commercial parody advertised itself for Mother’s Day, which has now been dubbed over to advertise itself for Christmas.
Michael Jackson on a RollercoasterSummary: Michael Jackson (Amy Poehler) rides on a roller coaster with Johnny Cochran (Rev. Al Sharpton), Elizabeth Taylor (Rachel Dratch), and a stranger (Horatio Sanz). Recurring Characters: Michael Jackson, Johnny Cochran, Elizabeth Taylor. Transcript
Brian Fellow’s Safari PlanetSummary: Brian Fellow (Tracy Morgan) is joined by his equally child-minded brother, Ryan Fellow (Rev. Al Sharpton). Recurring Characters: Brian Fellow. Transcript
Three Wise MenSummary: A cop on camelback (Jimmy Fallon) pulls over the Three Wise Men (Rev. Al Sharpton, Kenan Thompson, Tracy Morgan) for suspicious activities in the desert. Transcript
Pink performs “Trouble”Bio: Pink (1979-) began her career as an R&B and hip-hop musician, but shifted over to pop rock in order to gain creative control over her work.
Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina FeySummary: Jimmy Fallon and Tina Fey make fun of the cities that aren’t airing SNL tonight. Jimmy Fallon uses double entendres to interview Paris Hilton. Transcript
StereotypesSummary: Black stereotypes are exploited for laughs in the filming of a movie in 1935. Transcript
Reverend Al Sharpton’s Casa de SushiSummary: Even though the Rev. Al Sharpton doesn’t like sushi, he has no qualms about selling it to consumers. Transcript
Democratic CandidatesSummary: John Edwards (Will Forte) hosts an SNL-viewing party for his fellow Democratic hopefuls. Recurring Characters: Richard Gephardt, John Kerry, Joe Lieberman, John Edwards. Transcript
Pink performs “God Is A D.J.”
The LaToya Jackson ShowSummary: Joe Jackson (Rev. Al Sharpton) looks down on LaToya Jackson (Maya Rudolph) and her scatterbrained life. Recurring Characters: LaToya Jackson, Joe Jackson.
Cab RideSummary: Vasquez (Horatio Sanz) gives Rev. Al Sharpton a ride in his cab. Recurring Characters: Vasquez.
CryogenixSummary: People have their heads frozen now, in preparation of the cures that will come in the future. Note: 03e 11/08/03
Unearthed: Cash On EarthSummary: The late Johnny Cash (Darrell Hammond) releases his new CD box set direct from Heaven. Recurring Characters: Johnny Cash. Transcript
Air Date:
