SummaryA renaissance of comedy! Lorne Michaels returned as Producer of “Saturday Night Live” at the start of the 1985 season, but the results weren’t up to par. Lorne insisted that NBC give him one more chance to revive “SNL” before pulling the plug on it for good. “And, what can I tell you..?” The new faces elevated the show to higher points than its glory days an even-decade earlier. Nora Dunn, Jon Lovitz and Dennis Miller carried over from the previous season, and the new faces of Dana Carvey, Phil Hartman, Jan Hooks and Victoria Jackson gave the show new life, with odd characters and sinister impersonations of celebrities, politicians and people in the news. Phil Hartman is the chameleon of the new season, with Dana Carvey performing gonzo portrayals of real people. Jon Lovitz is still a liar, and Dennis Miller is still an anchorman, hosting the hippest “Weekend Update” of the eighties (Sorry, Charlie!). Watch “SNL” this season, and you’ll watch the show rediscover itself!
[a very hunky guy pulls up in a corvette, he wears a grey t-shirt, blue jeans, he stops the car and sits on top of the driver’s seat, a very pretty girl stands next to the car, she is wearing blue jeans, a white tank top, pink high heels]
Girl: You’re late…
Guy: So…thought we’d have a date?
Girl: So? I don’t feel like going out, I sort of have other plans…
Guy: Guess I should just leave.
Girl: I didn’t say that, just said I have other plans.
Guy: These uh “other plans”…do they include me?
Girl: Yeah.
Guy: And you are saying you don’t want to go out.
Girl: Uh-uh.
Guy: So I guess we should go inside and…
Girl: What?
Both: And watch TV.
[scene freezes]
Announcer: General Dynamics…the leader in laser-guided technology.
Miss Harrington…..Sigourney Weaver Laura…..Nora Dunn Tommy Flanagan…..Jon Lovitz
[ open on Miss Harrington and Laura having tea together in her home ]
Miss Harrington: But I don’t understand – why are you telling me this?
Laura: I’m telling you, because Tommy Flanagan is a pathological lair, and he’s been making fools of both of us!
Miss Harrington: No. It’s just not possible. Thomas is too sweet.
Laura: Alright, then, answer me this – where was he last weekend?
Miss Harrington: At the Master’s Tennis Open. He came in second, you know.
Laura: Wrong! He was with me in Atlantic City! He even got me these diamond earrings!
Miss Harrington: Oh, those are lovely! I used to have a pair exactly like them.
Laura: You did?
Miss Harrington: Oh, but some burglars broke in last week. Fortunately, that’s all they got, because Thomas chased them off. He’s so brave! Anyway.. mine weren’t real, just cheap costume jewelry.. [ Laura pulls her earrings off, as the doorbell rings ] Oh! That must be him! [ answers the door ]
Tommy Flanagan: [ enters, noticing Laura right away ] Laura! What are you..? I mean.. uh.. uh.. uh.. who’s this?
Laura: You see? He knows me!
Tommy Flanagan: Uh, yeah.. I.. I seen you on TV!
Laura: I’ve never been on TV!
Tommy Flanagan: Uh, yeah.. you were on.. “Candid Camera”!
Laura: I was?
Miss Harrington: I think I saw that show! How was your day, dear?
Tommy Flanagan: Uh, uh.. pretty good.. I had lunch with the President! Yeah! In fact, he promoted me! Yeah. I’m gonna be the new spokesman for the State Department! Yeah.. sure, I am. It turned out that other guy was a liar! Well, I gotta go..
Miss Harrington: But you just got here.
Tommy Flanagan: Yeah, well, I.. I.. I got some business in.. in.. in Nicauragua!
Laura: Tommy! Before you take off, maybe Miss Harrington should read this note you left by my bed this morning! [ holds up note ]
Miss Harrington: [ reads ] “Dear Laura: Sorry about last night. That’s never happened to me before. It was the first time. That’s it! Yeah! That is the ticket!”
Tommy Flanagan: Well.. I couldn’t have written that! I don’t talk like that!
Miss Harrington: And, besides, that happens to him all the time!
Tommy Flanagan: Yeah! [ frowns ]
Laura: Oh, well, then.. what about this tattoo you talk me into getting! [ pulls shirt open to reveal “Tommy” surrounded by hearts on her chest ]
Tommy Flanagan: That.. it’s, uh.. uh.. yeah!
Miss Harrington: There! You see?
Tommy Flanagan: There! You see?
Laura: Alright, then! [ holds up newspaper ] How about this picture of us in the picture together, dated last Thursday?
Miss Harrington: Thomas.. I hope you can explain this!
Tommy Flanagan: Alright, alright, ladies.. I’m gonna come clean with ya.. I’m gonna tell you the truth! [ paces ] You see.. the truth is.. uh.. that, uh.. that’s my double! Yeah! I’m a spy! Yeah, in fact.. I’m a double agent! Yeah, that’s it! Why, I’m so important, there’s two of me! Yeah! And they sent him to Atlantic City to see, uh.. to see if there was any gambling going on! Yeah. And they still don’t know!
Laura: But it looks just like you!
Tommy Flanagan: Oh, no, no.. that’s black and white! I’m in color!
Miss Harrington: Oh! Well, that explains everything!
Laura: Yeah, I guess so.. I guess I owe the both of youse a big apology..
Tommy Flanagan: Well, uh.. don’t worry about it. Well, there’s the door.. [ Laura prepares to leave ] Well, if I see your double, I’ll.. I’ll tell him to call you first thing Monday morning.. say.. 9:00 AM.
Laura: Uh.. at work?
Tommy Flanagan: No..you’d better make it home, he doesn’t have your work number..
Laura: Okay..
Tommy Flanagan: Well.. uh.. goodbye! [ kisses her passionately behind Miss Harrington’s back ]
Miss Harrington: Thomas. Do you have something you want to tell me?
Tommy Flanagan: Uh.. yeah, I do, Louise..
Miss Harrington: Margaret!
Tommy Flanagan: Uh.. well, youknow how I said I was at the Master’s Tennis Open..?
Miss Harrington: Yes?
Tommy Flanagan: And I said I came in second?
Miss Harrington: Yes?
Tommy Flanagan: Well, I.. I didn’t.. I came in first! Yeah, that’s it! In fact, it was, uh.. uh.. it was Wimbeldon! And I beat Ivan Lendl with one hand tied behind my foot! Yeah, that’s the ticket!
Madonna: Hi, I’m Madonna. [ minimal audience response ] I said, Madonna! [ major audience applause ] Thank you. That’s more like it.
As you may remember, one year ago tonight I hosted the premiere episode of “Saturday Night Live”. Therefore, NBC has asked me to read the following statement, concerning last year’s entire season. [ takes out a piece of paper ] Ready? [ reading ] “It was all a dream, a horrible, horrible dream.” And now, to confuse you even further, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“
Bill Franklin…..Phil Hartman Marge Keister…..Jan Hooks Lane Maxwell…..Dana Carvey
Announcer: It’s time once again for America’s most challenging game show – “Quiz Masters”, with your host, “Big” Bill Franklin!
Bill Franklin: Thank you! Thanks a lot! Hey, do you like the new haircut? I went to Pat Sajak’s barber, I thought it might help the ratings, who knows..? [ Lane Maxwell buzzes in ] Uh.. yeas?
Lane Maxwell: Lake Superior!
Bill Franklin: I’m sorry?
Lane Maxwell: Lake Superior! That’s the answer to the first question!
Bill Franklin: Whoa, slow down, my friend! The game has not yet begun! First, let’s meet our contestants! [ walks over ] Hello, what’s your name, and what do you do?
Marge Keister: Hello! I’m Marge Keister, and I work for Crackerjacks, Inc.
Lane Maxwell: [ buzzes in ] Lake Superior!
Bill Franklin: [ throuh gritted teeth ] Sir, the game hasn’t begun, okay? [ to Marge ] Crackerjacks, huh?
Marge Keister: Yes, sir, that’s correct!
Bill Franklin: Say, could you people do something about the prizes? You know, the prizes used to be terrific, but lately all you get are little stickers of Care Bears!
Marge Keister: Oh, I’m sorry, you know, I don’t work in that department..
Bill Franklin: Uh-uh! Better prizes! Am I right? [ rallies the audience ] Yeah! Of course, I’m right! Thank you! Now, Mr. Enthusiasm. What’s your name, and what do you do?
Lane Maxwell: My name is Lane Maxwell. I’m a professional psychic.
Bill Franklin: Really? You mean, you can predict the future?
Lane Maxwell: That’s correct. I’m the autohr of.. [ holds up book ] ..”I Knew You Were Going To Buy This Book”.
Bill Franklin: Well, that’s terrific!
Lane Maxwell: When I was about 9.
Bill Franklin: When did you first realize you had this incredible power..? Oh! You already answered! That’s very good!
Lane Maxwell: I wonder.. could I answer the first question now, please?
Bill Franklin: One second, Lane! [ returns to his podium ] Now, you both know the rules. For the first round, each question is worth $50. And our first question..
Lane Maxwell: [ buzzes in ] Lake Superior!
Bill Franklin: [ looks at card ] That’s correct! The question was: “What is the largest of the Great Lakes?” Alright! Very good! Our next question, and listen very carefully..
Lane Maxwell: [ buzzes in ] 8!
Bill Franklin: [ looks at card ] Correct! The question was: “How many men on the Supreme Court?” Sort of a trick question – there are 9 members but only 8 are men. Okay..
Lane Maxwell: [ buzzes in ] John Adams!
Bill Franklin: [ looks at card ] Correct!! The question was: “Name our second President?” So, our score: Lane, $150; the Crackerjack Lady, $0. Marge, are you trying?
Marge Keister: Yes, I am trying, Bill.. I don’t think this is fair – he’s a psychic..
Bill Franklin: Alright, alriight, alright.. Which beings us to the Ivy League ound, where each question is worth double. And the first question is.. [ Marge buzzes in ] Marge!
Marge Keister: [ thinking ] Uh..
Lane Maxwell: [ whispers ] Lee Iacocca.
Marge Keister: Lee Iacocca, Bill!
[ buzzer ]
Bill Franklin: No. Sorry. I’m sorry, Marge. Lane, the question goes to you.
Lane Maxwell: A meteor!
[ buzzer ]
Bill Franklin: No! no, no.. that’s wrong. The question: “What is the largest continent?” And the answer, of course, was Asia. Asia. Okay. And the next question..
Lane Maxwell: [ buzzes in ] A meteor!
Bill Franklin: No, sorry. Gee.. I’llask Marge. Who starred with Meryl Streep in “Kramer Vs. Kramer?”
Marge Keister: Ooh.. that’s Dustin Hoffman!
Bill Franklin: That’s right, for $100! Very good! Very good!
Lane Maxwell: That’s very strange.. I distinctly saw a meteor.. My premonitions are never wrong!
Bill Franklin: Hmm.. well, there’s a first time for everything! Marge is now on the board with $100! Now, it’s tiem for our Final Jackpot Question, worth $500! The question is..
Lane Maxwell: [ buzzes in ] I have to say meteor, Bill!
Bill Franklin: No.. sorry. no!
Lane Maxwell: I can’t understand it, I.. I clearly see a grey, smouldering orb.. it’s so vivid, it’s so real!
Bill Franklin: Uh-huh.. uh-huh.. Well, nonetheless, the question goes to Marge! Marge, you answer this correctly, you’ll have a total of $600, and win the game! Are you ready!
Marge Keister: Yes, I am, Bill!
Bill Franklin: Marge, can you name the first Book of the Bible?
Marge Keister: Ohh.. yes, I can, Bill! You see, I taught Sunday school for about seven years, and..
[ suddenly, a meteor crashs into the studio, landing on Marge and knocking her out cold ]
Bill Franklin: Judges? She’s disqualified! Oh, boy.. So, Lane.. Lane Maxwell is our winner. Lane, I know this isn’t the way you wanted to win..
Lane Maxwell: I don’t mind!
Bill Franklin: Okay. Join us next time on “Quiz Masters”, when we’ll meet the opponent of Lane, okay!
Lane Maxwell: I’m gonna win, $750 to nothing!
Bill Franklin: Well, tune in anyway, just to see what I’m gonna wear, will ya!
Lane Maxwell: A light brown blazer!
Bill Franklin: Come on! Good night, everybody![ fade ]
Michael…..Phil Hartman Derek Stevens…..Dana Carvey Paula Collins…..Sigourney Weaver
[ British singer/songwriter Derek Stevens enters Paula Collins office ]
Michael: Derek!
Derek Stevens: Hello, Michael.
Michael: Welcome to L.A.! [ they both laugh ] Private joke! Derek, meet Paula Collins, our new head of A&R.
Derek Stevens: Hello, Paula. Very nice to meet you.
Paula Collins: Hi, Derek. Actually, we met at the Roxy in 1981.
Derek Stevens: ’81? Was I born yet? [ they all laugh ]
Paula Collins: Did you get settled okay?
Derek Stevens: Oh, yes. I’m out at the Chateau, actually.
Michael: Derek, you look good. I mean it.
Paula Collins: You really do.
Derek Stevens: [ confident ] I’m ready to work, I really am.
Michael: Well, that’s good to hear. This is a critical album for you.
Paula Collins: We want you to score with this one.
Derek Stevens: You know, I’m sorry about Dark Impulse. I don’t know what happened there.
Michael: Oh, we have to share the blame for that one. We had a bit of a shake-up in Promotions. Some people dropped the ball and had to be let go.
Paula Collins: We’re ready to work, too, Derek.
Derek Stevens: Well, I was hoping you’d say that.. because I really want to bloody score!
Michael: Mary said you had a demo tape of the new songs. We can’t wait to hear it!
Paula Collins: We really can’t.
Derek Stevens: I.. uh.. I haven’t actually finished a tape.
Michael: Derek, your deal calls for a demo. We..
Derek Stevens: Well, I know that. I know that. But what I thought I’d do, is play some of the tracks here for you now. Live.
Michael: [ elated ] We’d love that! There’s the piano!
Paula Collins: Don’t keep us in suspense!
Derek Stevens: Great! That’s great. [ sits down at piano ] Well, these are just sort of works in progress, but, you know.. here’s one I call “The Lady I Know”. [ starts to play the piano ]
There’s a lady I know If I didn’t know her She’d be the lady I didn’t know.
And my lady, she went downtown She bought some broccoli She brought it home.
Derek Stevens: Here’s another one I call “New Beginnings”:
New beginnings New beginnings New beginnings New beginnings
Derek Stevens: Well, you see where that might go, you know? Sort of like, drums and bongos and the whole thing.. Well, there’s one more I want to show you. This is called “Going to the Club”:
Going to the club, gotta work out, work out Going to the club, gotta work out, work out
Derek Stevens: Well, that’s all I’ve got now. But I’m writing every day, and that’s what I feel good about. I’m right back on the horses.
Paula Collins: Well, I think you’ve really got something.. [to Michael ] That “Broccoli” tune, are you thinking what I’m thinking, Michael?
Michael: Uh.. yes. Yes, I am. You’re.. uh.. getting back to the vegetable thing. Which seems so..
Secretary…..Victoria Jackson Phil Maloney…..Kevin Nealon Mr. Smythe…..Jon Lovitz
[ Phil Maloney, AKA Mr. Subliminal, enters the lobby of his workplace ]
Secretary: Mr. Maloney! Thank goodness you’re here, Mr. Smythe is hopping mad!
Phil Maloney: You’re kidding.
Secretary: Your subliminal advertising campaign was due yesterday!
Phil Maloney: Oh, boy.. that subliminal advertising campaign! Geez, you know, I forgot all about that – Your fault – but, I’m here now, so I might as well go see him.
Secretary: Well, uh, he’s on the phone. You’ll have to wait a second.
Phil Maloney: Okay. Boy, he’s going to be steaming – Your fault – but, that’s the way it goes.
Secretary: Well, uh, I guess I should have reminded you, Mr. Maloney.
Phil Maloney: No, no, not at all – Your fault – but, hey, you know what? That’s awful nice of you to share the blame – Your fault – seeing that I don’t hardly even know you.
Secretary: Well, I’ll tell him you’re here.
Phil Maloney: Okay. I don’t think he’ll be too mad – Your fault – but I can handle it.
Secretary: Okay. [ picks up the phone ] Mr. Smythe? Mr. Maloney is here.
Mr. Smythe: [ on phone ] Well, it’s about time!
Secretary: Actually, Sir, I think I really should apologize. I think it was my fault. [ Maloney tries to shoo her apology down ] I mean, I must have gave him the wrong deadline, or something..
Mr. Smythe: [ on phone ] Well, get your act together, and send him out here – pronto!
Secretary: Yes, Sir. [ to Maloney ] Go right in, Mr. Maloney.
Phil Maloney: Okay. [ leaning over ] Hey, do me a favor.. call me “Phil” – Hot Sex – you know, you seem like the kind of gal – Hot Sex – that I’d like to get to know a little bit better.
Secretary: Oh, no, no, Mr. Maloney.. I’m married, don’t even think about it.
Phil Maloney: Oh. Well, maybe we can just be friends – Hot Sex – and leave it at that.
Secretary: Maybe!
[ Maloney enters Mr. Smythe’s office ]
Phil Maloney: Sorry I’m late, Mr. Smythe.
Mr. Smythe: No, no, it’s not your fault! It’s that new gal we have up front. But it still doesn’t let you off the hook for that subliminal advertising campaign! I’m going to have to call you on the carpet for that one!
Phil Maloney: Yes, I’m sorry about that, Sir – No Rush – I’ll get to it immediately – No Rush – in fact, as soon as I get back to me office.
Mr. Smythe: No, take your time. Sit down, Maloney. [ Maloney sits ] You know, it’s the strangest thing. I’ve been reviewing your work record.. and it appears that since I’ve hired you for that subliminal advertising campaign, you haven’t done a lick of work, and yet everybody downstairs just raves about you.
Phil Maloney: Well, they’re a great bunch of guys – Idiots – a nice team. Let me ask you this, Sir, while I’m here – Mets Tickets – How do you manage to make this company so successful? – Mets Tickets – Because, as you know, you do.
Mr. Smythe: Ah, it’s just a lot of hard work and calculated risks.
Phil Maloney: Well, if that’s the formula – Mets Tickets – I’m gonna follow it.
Mr. Smythe: Maloney, you can’t go wrong with it.
Phil Maloney: No, sirree – Mets Tickets – not a chance!
Mr. Smythe: You know, it just occurred to me – I’ve got some Mets Tickets here. [ picks them up ] Would you like them? [ hands them to Maloney ]
Phil Maloney: Well, thank you very much, Sir! That’s awful nice of you – Company Car – but I don’t have a way down to the stadium – Company Car – Well, I’ll figure something out.
Mr. Smythe: Nonsense! Why don’t you take the company car? Here’s the keys. [ hands Maloney the keys ]
Phil Maloney: Well, that’s very generous of you, Sir – Promotion – you know, I really, really, really enjoy working here – Promotion – I mean, with all the surprises, who could complain?
Mr. Smythe: Maloney, you’re a good man. I’m gonna give you a promotion. Effective immediately. From here on, you’re in charge of the entire Eastern division.
Phil Maloney: Well, thank you very much, Sir! – Vacation! – Wow! I can’t believe my ears! The entire Eastern division! – Vacation! – Wow!
Mr. Smythe: Before you start that, though, why don’t you take a nice, long vacation? I want you to be all riled up for the job.
Phil Maloney: God thinking, Sir.
Mr. Smythe: Thanks. Now, go on, get out of here. I’ve got a lot of work to do.
Phil Maloney: Thank you, Sir.
[ Maloney exits back to the reception area, where the secretary is waiting for him ]
Secretary: Phil? I thought about it, and I think I’d like to get to know you better.
Phil Maloney: Great! That’s great! – Your Treat – Maybe we could go out to dinner tonight – Your Treat – if you feel like it.
Secretary: That’s a good idea. You know, I don’t usually do this, but.. can I treat?
Phil Maloney: Well, gee, now there’s something I don’t hear often. Sure, I guess – Four Seasons – but let’s go somewhere casual – Four Seasons – we’ll just take it easy tonight.
Secretary: No. I would love to take you to the Four Seasons Restaurant!
Phil Maloney: Four Season Restaurant?! That’s kind of expensive, isn’t it? Well, if you insist – Garter Belt – but let’s just dress casual, you know – Push-Up Bra – nothing fancy.
Secretary: [ seductively ] Okay, that’s a good idea.
Phil Maloney: Wait a minute.. look. You dress however you like – Push-Up Bra – I just thought..
Secretary: No, casual’s fine. In fact, I know exactly what I’m going to wear!
Phil Maloney: Great! And if we finish dinner early – Hot Sex – maybe we’ll go back to my apartment – Hot Sex – and watch some television?
Secretary: Okay! I guess.
Phil Maloney: And if this whole thing works out – Hot Sex – maybe I’ll call you again – Don’t Hold Your Breath – okay? Secretary: Okay, great! Bye!
[ Maloney exits the reception area as the secretary sits down, dazed ]
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: October 18th, 1986 Malcolm-Jamal Warner Run-DMC Spike Lee Sam Kinison
Run-DMC, “Walk This Way”
Bartles & Jaymes Frank Bartles (Phil Hartman) & Ed Jaymes (A. Whitney Brown) denounce crack.
Malcolm Jamal Warner’s Monologue Dana Carvey helps self-concious Warner dance in front of the audience.
Team Xynex Time-saving business helps employees goof off more productively.
Donahue Donahue (Phil Hartman) talks with women in exploitive relationships. Recurring Characters: Phil Donahue.
The Crosby Show Theo Huxtable (Warner) dreams Bing Crosby (Phil Hartman) is his dad.
Run-DMC performs “Walk This Way”
Weekend Update with Dennis Miller Kevin Nealon rambles on in search of what he’s really trying to say. Casey Kasem (Dana Carvey) pronounces Queen #1 rock group of all time. Recurring Characters: Casey Kasem.
Johnny O’Conner End of WWII diminishes Johnny’s (Phil Hartman) film career. Recurring Characters: Johnny O’Conner.
Instant Coffee Mango recalls dating Patrow, and thwarts Matt Damon’s advances. Recurring Characters: Candy Sweeney, Liz Sweeney.
Contract Warner has negogiated a user-friendly parent-teen drunk driving contract.
Sam Kinison Kinison performs stand-up about growing up in his family.
Run-DMC performs “Hit It, Run”
Chalk Factory Son (Warner) doesn’t want to follow in dad’s (Dana Carvey) footsteps.
Frank Bartles…..Phil Hartman Ed Jaymes…..A. Whitney Brown
Frank Bartles: Hello. I am Frank Bartles. And this is my partner, Ed Jaymes.
Ed Jaymes: Hello.
Frank Bartles: We hope you enjoyed the first game of the World Series, we are sorry the Mets lost. But what a slugfest that was. Ed and I have asked the National Broadcasting Company for this time to discuss something that you may heard about – crack. In case you do not get out as much as we do, crack is a drug. Now, Ed and I tried a lot of fool things when we were young, but fortunately we stopped before we suffered any.. permanent damage. Right, Ed?
Ed Jaymes: [ nods slowly ]
Frank Bartles: At least, I did. Why, one time, Ed put a penny on a railroad track, and it got real big.. [ Ed extends his arms ] But crack is a different matter. Even a little bit can cause you to become really stupid. That is what makes people do it a second time. Crack is a killer drug. Take it from us. It is ncie to grow old. You can sit on the porch and stare at things all day. Or, you can wave at people as they drive by. Wave, Ed! [ Ed nods ] Wave, Ed! [ Ed waves ] These activities cannot be enjoyed when you are dead!
Once again, we thank you for your support, and now Ed would like to say a few words.
Ed Jaymes: “Live.. from New York.. it is Saturday Night.”
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Episodes
Air Date:
Run-DMC, “Walk This Way”
