SNL Tonight

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 15

95o: John Goodman / Everclear

Bill Brasky’s Buddies at Holiday Inn

First Friend of Brasky … David Koechner
Second Friend of Brasky … Will Ferrell
Third Friend of Brasky … John Goodman
Fourth Friend of Brasky … Mark McKinney
Fifth Friend of Brasky … Tim Meadows

[Fade in on a an image of a sign reading: Holiday Inn, with a smaller marquee reading: Lawn Mower Parts Sales Convention 1996. Dissolve to the interior where four members of the Brasky Bunch sit at a bar and are laughing loudly.]

Third Friend of Brasky: Have you guys ever worked with a guy by the name of Bill Brasky?

Other Three Friends: Bill Brasky!

Second Friend of Brasky: Sure Have and I tell you one thing: Bill Brasky is a son of a bitch.

First Friend of Brasky: Best damn salesman in the office.

Fourth Friend of Brasky: You know he goes about 6’8” 340 pounds.

Second Friend of Brasky: Did I ever tell you about the time Bill Brasky forced me to wear a woman’s bikini around the office?

Fourth Friend of Brasky: Oh God, I love this story.

First Friend of Brasky: And I’d love to have sex with your wife.

Second Friend of Brasky: [after a slight pause] Anyway, Brasky tears off my clothes and makes wear this skimpy bikini. For the next three months I had to conduct all my business wearing a woman’s bathing suit. I would cry from shame and question my manhood daily but at the end of the quarter I’ll be damned if my sales hadn’t tripled.

Third Friend of Brasky: To Bill Brasky.

All: Bill Brasky!

First Friend of Brasky: He goes about 7’10” 590.

Second Friend of Brasky: He’ll eat a homeless person if you dare him.

[A man, who has been sitting in the background since the sketch began, turns and points to the others:]

Fifth Friend of Brasky: Hey, are you guys talking about Bill Brasky?

Third Friend of Brasky: We certainly are.

Fifth Friend of Brasky: I know Bill Brasky.

Second Friend of Brasky: Then let me buy you a round.

Fourth Friend of Brasky: ‘At a boy, Hank. Now here’s something. You know uh, You know how I like to steal lose change and valuable from your houses whenever I’m over? [after a slight pause] Anyway, Here’s a Brasky story.

Second Friend of Brasky: [speaks incoherently]

Fourth Friend of Brasky: One time I ask Brasky to dress up like Santa for a Christmas party I was throwing for my children. You know Jaccob and Christine?

First Friend of Brasky: Sure, they’re dumb as rocks and always have dirty faces.

Fourth Friend of Brasky: That’s them, That’s them. Well Brasky shows up as Santa, reaches into his bag, and says, “I’ve got goodies for you kids.” He proceeds to hand out scrap metal and cigarettes to ’em. Then he takes off his beard and says, “There’s no Santa ’cause I ate him.

Second Friend of Brasky: Brasky’s a son of a bitch.

All: Bill Brasky!

Fourth Friend of Brasky: You know Brasky goes about 9’8” 780 pounds?

Third Friend of Brasky: Oh, you know he sheds his skin once a year?

Second Friend of Brasky: I once saw him scissor kick Angela Landsbury.

First Friend of Brasky: Did I ever tell you about the time that I went horseback riding with Brasky? But there weren’t any horses around.

Fourth Friend of Brasky: [talking to the bartender] Hey, a silver soda.

First Friend of Brasky: Make that four. Well, Brasky throws a saddle on my back and rides me for three… Whoa, easy there, Hank. There’s no scotch in that glass. He throws a saddle on me and rides me around Wyoming for three days. Well, wouldn’t you know it, my stamina increases with each day and I develop tremendous leg muscles.

Third Friend of Brasky: [speaks incoherently]

First Friend of Brasky: Yeah, tremendous leg muscles. So anyway, Brasky decides to enter me in the Breeder’s Cup, right. Under the name “Turkish Delight.” And I’m runnin’ in second place, and I’m runnin’ and I break my ankle.

Third and Fourth Friend of Brasky: [speaks incoherently]

First Friend of Brasky: So anyway, they’re about to shoot me, right? Then someone from the crowd yells out, God Bless him, “Don’t shoot him. He’s a human.”

Fifth Friend of Brasky: Hey, I lost money on you.

Second Friend of Brasky: Hi, I like you a lot.

First Friend of Brasky: I like you too.

Fifth Friend of Brasky: Hey, is this guy going to hurt me?

Fourth Friend of Brasky: No no, He likes you, he likes you.

Third Friend of Brasky: To Bill Brasky.

All: Bill Brasky!

Fourth Friend of Brasky: You know he jumped off the Empire State Building this one time and he only sprained his ankle?

Third Friend of Brasky: Like an alligator, he can fully digest a turtle shell.

First Friend of Brasky: His favorite TV movie is “The Boy In The Plastic Bubble” starring John Travolta.

Second Friend of Brasky: He’ll… [speaks incoherently]

All: To Bill Brasky!

Big Booming Voice: [from extremely tall figure in upper camera angle] Gentlemen, I’m the new bartender. Who wants a cocktail?

All: Bill Brasky![fade]

Submitted by: Ryan M.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 15


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


March 16th, 1996

John Goodman

Everclear

None

Lorne Michaels

Elle MacPherson

Kurt Loder

Andy Murphy
20/20Summary: Chris Darden (Tim Meadows) recalls an affair he had with Marcia Clark (Nancy Walls).

Recurring Characters: Barbara Walters, Hugh Downs, Marcia Clark.

Montage

John Goodman’s MonologueSummary: Now that he’s hosting SNL for the 7th time, John Goodman has the power to make the cast do anything he wants them to.

Transcript

Grayson Moorhead Securities ISummary: Arthur Grayson (Jim Downey) outlines his investment principles, including keeping a list of how much money each client has invested and to feign listening to the client.

Note: Repeat from 10/21/95.

MTV NewsSummary: Kurt Loder gives a quick music news briefing.

The Real World ISummary: Bob Dole (Norm MacDonald) won’t let his younger housemates touch his peanut butter or use his favorite chair.
Recurring Characrters: Bob Dole.

Transcript

The Joe Pesci ShowSummary: Joe Pesci (Jim Breuer) and a heavyset Robert DeNiro (John Goodman) assault Oscar winners.

Recurring Characters: Joe Pesci, Robert DeNiro, Richard Dreyfuss, Maria Tomei.

The Real World IISummary: The younger housemates take further offense to Bob Dole’s (Norm MacDonald) behavior.
Recurring Characrters: Bob Dole.

Transcript

Substitute Teacher Suel ForresterSummary: Students can’t understand substitute teacher Suel Forrestor’s (Chris Kattan) mangled English.

Recurring Characters: Suel Forrestor.

The Real World IIISummary: Bob Dole’s (Norm MacDonald) younger housemates finally kick him out.
Recurring Characrters: Bob Dole.

Transcript

Everclear performs “Santa Monica”

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonaldSummary: Colin Quinn comments on St. Patrick’s Day.

Fecal MattersSummary: John Fecal (Mark McKinney) is obsessed with the discussion of fecal matter.

Grayson Moorhead Securities IISummary: Arthur Grayson (Jim Downey) outlines more of his investment principles, including what to do if his wife cals while he’s shagging his secretary.

Note: Repeat from 10/21/95.

Gary MacDonald at WorkSummary: Extremely nervous Gary MacDonald (David Koechner) free-associates amidst his company’s downsizing procedures.

Recurring Characters: Gary MacDonald.

Forbes AmericaSummary: Steve Forbes (Mark McKinney) is the proud creator of his own personal America in a remote part of the world.

Recurring Characters: Steve Forbes.

Bill Brasky’s Buddies at Holiday InnSummary: The drunk businessmen (Will Ferrell, David Koechner, Mark McKinney, John Goodman) further praise the mythological Bill Brasky.

Recurring Characters: Hank, Ted, Buddies.

Transcript

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 14

95n: Elle MacPherson / Sting

Stan Hooper in the Hospital

Stan Hooper….Norm MacDonald
Doctor….Will Ferrell
Gwendolyn Hooper….Cheri Oteri
Monique Hooper….Elle McPherson
Orderly….Colin Quinn

(Opens with an outside view of Strong Memorial Hospital. A blurry image becomes clearer. The face of an orderly looks down on us)

Orderly: Oh, my God! Mr.Hooper! Can you hear me, Mr. Hooper?! Mr.Hooper? Doctor! Doctor!(runs out)

(Doctor comes in and stands next to a bedridden Stan Hooper)

Doctor: Mr.Hooper, Mr.Hooper. Can you hear me?

Stan Hooper: Yeah, yeah.

Doctor: You´ve been in a coma for many years. Welcome back.

Stan Hooper: Where am I?

Doctor: You´re in a hospital.

Stan Hooper: Oh, who am I? What´s my name?

Doctor: (looking in his chart) Your name is Stan. Stan Hooper.

Stan Hooper: Stan Hooper?

Doctor: Now Mr. Hooper, you´ve undoubtedly lost most of your memory. You´ll have to re-learn things slowly. Tell me, do you remember anything about your life?

Stan Hooper: Don´t I live in a big house with a pool?

Doctor: No. You actually live in your parents basement in Queens.

Stan Hooper: Oh, so what am I? A young guy? College student or something?

Doctor: No. You´re 38, uh, you drive a Gremlin and uh, you used to work in one of those factories that make those sanitation cakes you put in urinals.

Stan Hooper: Good Lord….why did you wake me up?

Doctor: Mr.Hooper, relax. There´s some people here to see you. You know, you´re wife Gwendolyn is here.

Stan Hooper: Oh, yeah?

(A beautiful redhead enters the room, hugs and cuddles Stan)

Monique Hooper: Hi-i-i!

Stan Hooper: Holy Lord! God! Look at this! Oh, my God! I can´t believe it! Look at her! She´s like a model. Its my wife. Hey, doc! Check out my wife over here!

Monique Hooper: Stan…

Stan Hooper: Yeah, what do you want, sweetie?

Doctor: Um, Mr.Hooper. This is actually your sister, Monique. Here´s your wife.

(Enters the room a short, unattractive woman with glasses)

Gwendolyn Hooper: Hey, darling. Thank God you´re ok!

Stan Hooper: (bummed out) Oh, no,no,no,no,no. You are not my wife. (to Monique) This is my wife. This one right over here. On my left. She´s my wife. I don´t know what the hell you are but I know its not my wife.

Gwendolyn Hooper: Stan, I am your wife Gwendolyn, remember? Gwendolyn Hooper.

Doctor: Please, Ms. Hooper. Your husband is confused. He´s only been conscious for a few minutes.

Stan Hooper: Ok, so let me get this straight now. You´re telling me that this is my sister? (to Monique) And this is my wife?(to Gwendolyn)

Doctor: Yes.

Stan Hooper: Ok, just to be perfectly clear, doc. (to Gwendolyn) This one over here, I will see naked for the rest of my life?

Doctor: Right.

Stan Hooper: (to Monique) But not this one!

Doctor: Yes, that´s correct.

Stan Hooper: You know what would be great? How about if you put me back in that coma?

Doctor: Mr.Hooper, I can´t do that.

Stan Hooper: Hey, you know what? Sister is one of them funny words, you know? It could mean actual sister, you know like, it could mean you know, like a nun, you know, it could be some crazy nickname for the girl you´re sleeping with?

Doctor: In this case sister means biological sister.

Gwendolyn Hooper: Stan, I love you…

Stan Hooper: (to Gwendolyn) Hang on, lady! Hang on! Hey! I remember! I was switched at birth! I´m not your brother after all! (hugs Monique) This is great!

Monique Hooper: Stan, stop being so silly.

Stan Hooper: I wasn´t silly.

Gwendolyn Hooper: Stan, don´t you remember our wedding day? That little church upstate?

Stan Hooper: Ma´am! Please! Good God!! Now, Monique…God, that is such a sexy name, Monique. You know, I seem to recall, you know, that in certain areas in the Appalachian mountains, you know, sex between siblings is considered normal. We´re from there, aren´t we?

Monique Hooper: Stan, we´re from Chicago.

Stan Hooper: Yeah, well, Chicago, Appalachia, who the hell cares?

Gwendolyn Hooper: Please, darling, for the sake of the children why don´t you come home, please?

Stan Hooper: Back OFF, LADY!! I mean it!!

Doctor: Mr.Hooper, you´re going through a lot. Just take it easy.

Stan Hooper: Oh, oh. Hey, wait a second, wait a second. I get it. This is a joke. Its a joke. Man, this is some joke! I got to tell you, you´re my wife (to Monique) and you´re my sister (to Gwendolyn)you got together while I was in my coma and figured out this great joke! The old switcheroo on the guy in coma joke! I love it! Ha, ha! That´s rich! Ha, ha, ha.

Gwendolyn Hooper: Stan, its been 5 years, 5 long years, sweet baby. Please, we got a lot of catching up to do, Stan.

Stan Hooper: Hey, beat it! Anyway, Monique….

(Scene freezes)

Announcer: Stan Hooper fully recovered from his coma to become a United States congressman, where he went on to pass legislation, making it ok for coma victims to have sex with their sisters.

(cheers and applause)

(fade)

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 14

95n: Elle MacPherson / Sting

1-600-555-AUSSIE

Australian Woman…..Elle MacPherson
Operator #1…..Molly Shannon
Male Caller #1…..Jim Breuer
Operator #2…..Nancy Walls
Male Caller #2…..David Koechner
Male Caller #3…..Will Ferrell
Operator #3…..Sting
Male Caller #4…..Mark McKinney
Operator #4…..Tim Meadows

[ Music Intro: “Down Under”, Men At Work ]

[ open on Australian Woman sitting along the beach ]

Australian Woman: Hi, mates. Do you like beautiful, sexy Australian girls who love having wild sex? Then pick up the phone and call 1-600-555-AUSSIE, for the most erotic one-to-one adult yabber with hot, sexy Australian beauties.

Operator #1: Oh, baby, baby.. I want you to faucet your banana fender, and let me razoo you like a brumby! Then I’ll unzip your strides and let you laff all over me cuckoo burrows!

Male Caller #1: [ confused ] What?!

Australian Woman: It’s the steamiest phone sex line this side of Adelaie. Good-looking sheilas with perfect bodies want to talk naughty to you right now!

Operator #2: Hey, I got a really wet yabbie! So go ahead andchockablock me in the gunny until I waltz in you boots!

Male Caller #2: [ confused ] Uh.. I don’t get what you’re saying.. can we just have phone sex..?

Operator #2: Eww! Take out your boomer and do me Yahoo Serious-style, you tanky bushman!

Male Caller #2: Can you repeat that?

Australian Woman: So don’t be a jumsheep. Because no matterwhat turns you on, there’s nothing these hot, horny lookers can’t handle. How about a kinky three-way Aussie-style?

Male Caller #3: Oh, yeah!

Operator #2: Oy!

Operator #1: Durite!

Operator #2: Oy!

Operator #1: Durite!

Male Caller #3: What?

Operators: Good on you!

Male Caller #3: You’re.. you’re scaring me..

Australian Woman: So, what do you say, jackeroos? Dial now, and one of our hot Australian fluffs will order your brains out and satisfy your vegemite sandwich! And if you’e interested in Aussie men, dial 1-600-555-BLOKE.

Operator #3: Oh, I’m an airy gent, sitting in my decksoff white on me legs? What you doin’, ocker?

Male Caller #4: I don’t know what you just said, but I love it!

Australian Woman: And if you’re into a hankering for Tasmanian girls, dial 1-600-555-ABORIGINE.

Aborigine Girl: Menocha! Dingo! Fallupi fandanga sucka! *click* *click* *click*

Australian Woman: So don’t come aguster. If you like sexy Australian girls, then 1-600-555-AUSSIE’s for you. Remember, the only thing better than you going down on your billibong, is you going down under with us.

Announcer: Only $22 a minute, nonresidents add Australian BTU tax. Non-applicable to residents of Brisbon, Kanurra and Central Perk. Wallabies must 18 or over.

Male Caller #4 & Australian Woman: So call, and we’ll wop-wopyour orifice now!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 14


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


February 24th, 1996

Elle MacPherson

Sting

None

Hugh Fink

Paula Pell
Bully Pat BuchananSummary: Acting as bully, Pat Buchanan (David Koechner) forces a donation out of Steve Forbes (Mark McKinney).

Recurring Characters: Pat Buchanan, Steve Forbes, Bob Dole.

Montage

Elle MacPherson’s MonologueSummary: As Elle MacPherson addresses the audience, an on-screen text discusses the layout of her body.

A.M. AleSummary: Why wait until the afternoon, when you start your morning off right?

Note: Repeat from 09/30/95.

Spartan CheerleadersSummary: Craig (Will Ferrell) and Arianna (Cheri Oteri) provide unwanted cheers at a swim meet.

Recurring Characters: Craig, Arianna.

Winston Graff Recording SessionSummary: TV catchphrases dominate the jazz melodies of pianist Winston Graff’s (Tim Meadows) recording session.

Mary Katherine GallagherSummary: Mary Katherine Gallagher (Molly Shannon) competes in the Fresh Face teen modeling contest.

Recurring Characters: Mary Katherine Gallagher, Shelley Peterbuilt.

Sting performs “Let Your Soul Be Your Pilot”Also Performed: 87a, 90k, 92n, 96o, 99f.

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonaldSummary: Lucien (David Koechner) and Fagin (Mark McKinney) are still huge Norm MacDonald fans.

Recurring Characters: Lucien, Fagin.

Redenbacher Holiday TheatreSummary: Sports Illustrated’s annual swimsuit issue is presented as a holiday special.

Recurring Characters: Gerald Tibbins, Mickey the Dyke.

Stan Hooper in the HospitalSummary: Upon waking from a coma, Stan Hooper (Norm MacDonald) believes his attractive sister (Elle MacPherson) to be his wife (Cheri Oteri).

Recurring Characters: Stan Hooper.

Transcript

Sting performs “You Still Touch Me”

1-600-AUSSIESummary: The dirty talk of Australian phone sex operators is difficult to understand.

Transcript

Fuzzy MemoriesSummary: Jack Handy recalls his mom’s fancy Easter egss.

First Date MannersSummary: John (Jim Breuer) is lenient with his rude, yet attractive, blind date, Laura (Elle MacPherson).

Fuzzy MemoriesSummary: Jack Handey recalls a family crisis.

Note: Repeat from 12/16/95.

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 13

95m: Tom Arnold / Tupac Shakur

Petchow Rat Poison

Hank Petchow…..Will Ferrell

[ open on Hank Petchow running through the snow with his dog Shep ]

Hank Petchow: Come on, Shep! Here we go!

Voiceover: Like most dog owners, I really enjoy playing with my dog.

[ cut to interior, Petchow household ]

Hank Petchow: Hi! I’m Hank Petchow. I love my dog, and I love taking care of him. But as much as I like feeding ol’ Shep here every morning, there’s some animals I’d rather not feed – rodents, mice, rats. I hate them. That’s why I developed this. Petchow Brand Rat Poison. Petchow’s the only rat poison deadly enough to carry my name – Petchow. And Petchow’s the most powerful rat poison on the market. In fact, it’s so strong, it could easily kill an animal much larger than any rat you’ll ever see – instant. And rats love Petchow’s big meaty pieces. [ Shep jumps up to the bowl of rat poison ] Whoa, no, Shep! That’s rat poison! [ moves Shep ] Just add water for ahearty poison gravy that no rat can resist. He’ll be dead on the spot.Right, Shep? [ Shep barks and moves closer to the rat poison gravy ] Whoa, Shep! Down, boy, that’s not for you! [ laughs ] So, if rats are your problem, choose a name you can trust. Petchow. Just look for the rat poison with a picture of ol’ Shep on it.

[ show two dogs sitting on each side of the Petchow package ]

Jingle: “Petchow. Arf arf. Petchow. Arf arf. Petchow.Arf arf. Rat poison.”

Announcer: Petchow. The one they can’t resist.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 13

95m: Tom Arnold / Tupac Shakur

Goodnights

…..Tom Arnold
…..Tupac Shakur

Tom Arnold: Well, it’s been an honor being here this weeek. I’ve had a lot of fun, these guys are really, really great. They have good feling around here. And, Tupac?

Tupac Shakur: Yeah?

Tom Arnold: Thanks a lot, buddy!

Tupac Shakur: Wassup?

Tom Arnold: We gotta hang out, man, me and you!

Tupac Shakur: Wassup? Wassup?

Tom Arnold: Thank you very much, Tupac Shakur! Adam Sandler! Adam Sandler!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 13


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


February 17th, 1996

Tom Arnold

Tupac Shakur

None

Paula Pell

Adam Sandler
WMUR 9 CNN DebateRecurring Characters: Bob Dole, Steve Forbes, Pat Buchanan, Alan Keyes.

Montage

Tom Arnold’s MonologueSummary: A clueless Tom Arnold fails to realize he’s insulting cast members with his comments.

Also Hosted: 91n, 92h.

The Life We LeadSummary: To save money, a local station sprinkles news items into soap opera dialogue.

St. Gabriel’s Bake SaleSummary: Devout churchgoer Gail Lafferty (Nancy Walls) issues ass kickings.

Recurring Characters: Gail Lafferty, Barb, Mary.

Tupac Shakur performs “California Love”

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonaldSummary: O.J. Simpson (Tim Meadows) phones an update in to Norm MacDonald. Joe Blow (Colin Quinn) gives more local news updates. Adam Sandler sings “Dip Doodle”, a song about his grandmother.

Recurring Characters: Joe Blow.

Miracles of ScienceSummary: Despite having an oversized head, Gus “Braniac” Grady (Arnold) is not all that smart.

Naive Mrs. KogenSummary: Mrs. Kogen (Jim Breuer) naively insists to Officer Markell (Tom Arnold) that her son (Colin Quinn) is not a criminal.

Gerald TibbinsSummary: Gerald “T-Bone” Tibbins (David Koechner) readies a patient (Tom Arnold) for surgery.

Recurring Characters: Gerald Tibbins.

Fuzzy MemoriesSummary: Jack Handy recalls his dad’s woodpecker-induced suicide.

Tupac Shakur performs “I Ain’t Mad At Cha”

Tree Slice DisplaySummary: Criminal ranger Ron Blanston (Tom Arnold) uses tree slice to illustrate his mission.

PetchowSummary: Hank Petchow’s (Will Ferrell) rat poison is dusguised as dog food so as fool its intended victims.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 12

95l: Danny Aiello / Coolio

Time-Life’s Valentine’s Day Arguments

Cindy….Nancy Walls
Steve….Mark McKinney
Male lover/Gay lover 2….Will Ferrell
Female lover….Molly Shannon
Gay Lover 1….Danny Aiello

(Time/Life logo on the wall. A girl taking telephone orders in front of a computer)

Cindy: Hi, I´m Cindy. Time/Life operator. Steve is gonna tell you all about our new Valentine´s Day offer. And I´ll be back to take your order. See you soon.

(cut to Steve wearing a business suit in a library)

Steve: Thanks, Cindy. Yes, Valentine´s Day is here. And couples in love are everywhere. Which can be hard if you´re single. So for those of you who don´t have that special someone this year, Time/Life is offering a video collection of all those amazing arguments you´ll be missing. The first video collection contains 10 fights, like this:

(A misty landscape, lovers embracing)

“Oh, for f…´s sake! This is Valentine´s Day! A toaster doesn´t say “I love you”, it says ” Make me f…ing toast!”

“Wait, let me get this straight–you´re saying you want to blow our nest egg on a boob job for me?”

“Hey, well 10 years ago I didn´t know you´d weigh 290 pounds– I´d rather f… the dog”

“What do you mean maybe O.J. had the right idea?”

And this Valentine´s Day favorite:

“Pop the cork”

(cut to a dramatization. A couple of lovers, candlelight dinner)

Caption: Dramatization

Male Lover: You want some more Mountain Dew?

Female Lover:(turned off) I thought you were bringing home peach champagne.

Male Lover: Well, they´re out.

Female Lover: You know, 10 years ago you would´ve been licking champagne off my body.

Male Lover: (angry) That´s it! F… this! (flips his plate of food on the table) I´m leaving! (leaves)

(cut to a beach landscape with lovers hand in hand)

Steve: Yes, you´ll get great many arguments like:

“Look, are you gonna sit there and tell me you never flirt? F… you, you shake your ass when you walk past the coffin”

“Baby, all I said is your sister´s hot, not that I wanted to sleep with her–she´s not my type, she´s thin–no, you´re not fat, I´m just–you know, just shoot me in the head”

“You say your mother cooks better than I do, your mother cleans better than I do–well you know what? Your mother can jump up my f…ing ass”

And this one:

“Keeping up with the Joneses”

(cut to the couple again, candlelight dinner. The guy pulls on the girl´s hand)

Female Lover: No, no, no! I told you, you don´t get any until after I get my new furniture, ok? Besides, you´re always too tired anyway.

Male Lover: Well, because I´m working 3 jobs! Maybe I can quit one?

Female Lover: I am not going to live like a hillbilly.

Male Lover: (angry) That´s it! F… this! (flips the plate of food) I´m leaving! (leaves)

(cut to videotape called Bed of Roses. Gay lovers edition)

Steve: And for an additional $10.95, you´ll get the gay lovers version containing some all time greats like:

(misty landscape, lovers)

“Hey, do you want me to go back and take a picture of that guy´s ass? It´ll last longer”

“Troy, all I said is that your brother´s hot, not that I wanted to sleep with him–he´s not my type. He´s thin, no, no you´re not fat. I´m just–you know, just shoot me in the head”

And the gay classic:

“Premature eruption”

(cut to candle light dinner with two men)

Gay Lover 1: Hey, I didn´t know I was supposed to buy you flowers. I made you veal, your favorite. You don´t appreciate me.

Gay Lover 2: (very gay) That´s it! F… this! (flips the plate of food) I´m leaving! (leaves)

Steve: Here´s Cyndi to tell you more.

(cut to Cindy)

Cindy: Call the number at the bottom of your screen.(1-600-LOVERS)I´ll be standing by to take your order.

(Cindy takes orders on the phone)

(Cheers and applause)

(fade)

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 12

95l: Danny Aiello / Coolio

Hi-C and Turkey

Insurance Salesman….Danny Aiello
Husband….David Koechner
Wife….Nancy Walls

[Opens with meeting between an insurance salesman and a husband and wife couple in their living room, little kid in the corner watching TV.]

Insurance Salesman: You know, actually I want to thank you for inviting me over. I know a lot of people aren’t comfortable talking about life insurance.

Husband: Well, I love my family very much and I think its time I take care of them in case something unfortunate should happen to me.

Wife: Oh, God forbid.

Insurance Salesman: Well now, look, before we get started can I trouble you folks for some food? See, I’ve been running around all day and I haven’t had a chance to grab a bite.

Wife: Uh, well sure. What would you like?

Insurance Salesman: I’d like some Hi-C and turkey. Ok, listen, why don’t I show you some of our annuity plans…

Wife: Oh, you know, I’m sorry, we don’t have any fruit juice or turkey. But I could make you a sandwich and some tea if you like.

Insurance Salesman: If I wanted a sandwich and tea, I would’ve said so. I want turkey and Hi-C!

Husband: Excuse me, could you please not talk to my wife that way?

Insurance Salesman: I’ll talk to your wife anyway I want, punk!

Husband: [gets up, angry] All right, that’s it! I’m gonna have to ask you to leave!

Insurance Salesman: Oh, oh, oh! We have taken a nasty left turn here. Which is mostly my fault. Look, I’m just here trying to sell some life insurance and help this wonderful family of yours deal with an uncertain future.

Husband: [calms down, sits] Ok, sure. Yeah, I want the same thing.

Insurance Salesman: [takes insurance forms out of briefcase] All right. Well, here’s a plan that I thought you be interested in. It involves a 7% annuity with a $42,000 top hat payment that will be taken when all these things are near the roundy one. Does that sound like something you’ll be interested in?

Husband: I don’t understand anything you just said.

Insurance Salesman: Well, will you just trust me and sign here.[offers pen]

Husband: No. I’m not gonna do that.

Insurance Salesman: Why don’t we just….we’ll take this up, why don’t we move up, our meeting upstairs? Right to your bedroom, we kick off our shoes, lay down on fluffy pillows and we’ll watch an old western movie and have some good ‘ol Hi-C and turkey!

Husband: We’re not gonna move up to the bedroom.

Insurance Salesman: Yeah, you know, that does sound a little weird. Selling insurance in bed. All right, let’s just forget all that junk and just have some good old fashioned Hi-C and turkey.

Wife: Look, we already told you, we don’t have any of those things.

Insurance Salesman: Right. Ok, let’s get back to this insurance policy. But can I say something? Your son has been creeping me out since the moment I got here.[little kid in the corner watching tv] He’s got goat eyes and he stinks!

Husband: [gets up] That’s it! You’re leaving!

Insurance Salesman: Oh, I apologize. Kid, kid, come here, come here.[takes money from pocket] Take this $20 bill, go down the block to Quick Mart and pick me up some Hi-C and turkey.

Husband: No, son. You’re not gonna do that.

Insurance Salesman: No, sir. You are wrong. The goat boy is going!

Husband: Jimmy, go upstairs. Diane, call the police.

Insurance Salesman: [upset, puts papers inside briefcase] Well, you know what?! I don’t think that you are interested in buying insurance! [gets up] I’m leaving now! I’m going to a place where Hi-C flows like wine and the turkey is thrown around like Saigon whores!

Husband: Get out of my house!

Insurance Salesman: I just have one more thing to say!

Husband: What?!

Insurance Salesman: Your wife’s a whore and you’re a pimp!

Husband:[puts up his fists] That’s it! Come on! Come on!

Insurance Salesman: Don’t you come near me! [fumbling through his clothes, opens his briefcase] Don’t you come near me! [takes lighter out and a round object] I’ll set this place off! I light up this thing, this stink bomb! And I’ll dive out THE WINDOW!!

Wife: Oh, my God! Please, stop!

Insurance Salesman: NOW GET ME SOME HI-C AND TURKEY!!!! I’M STARVING!!!!

Caption: 3 hours later.

[cut to front of the house with cop cars around, its night.]

[cut back into the living room, husband and wife are terrified in the couch, insurance salesman holds stink bomb and talks to police from the window]

Insurance Salesman: I let the kid go! Now where is my Hi-C and turkey?!

Police: [off camera through bullhorn] We have your Hi-C and turkey. Now please, come out of the house!

Insurance Salesman: You have the Hi-C and turkey?!

Police: Yes, we do. Now please, come out.

Insurance Salesman: [happy] Okay! [runs out of the house]

[4 gunshots. Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang!]

Insurance Salesman: [off camera] All I wanted was some HI-C AND TURKEY!!

[cut to a picture of Hi-C fruit can and a plate with turkey on it]

Announcer: Brought to you by the American Hi-C and turkey council. Hi-C and Turkey. They go together, like Dr. Pepper and trout.

[cheers and applause]

[fade]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts