Weekend Update Home Edition- Banksy Makes Bathroom Art

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his home]

Michael Che: Street artist Banksy has posted pictures of an art project created in the bathroom. He’s calling the piece, “Guess what I ate?”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a whipped strawberry milk at left side.]

Colin Jost: A popular new food item among the people staying at home is whipped strawberry milk. Incidentally, whipped strawberry milk is also Prince Harry’s  drag name.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a woman in stress at right side.]

Michael Che: Psychologists are warning single people stuck at home to resist the urge to get in touch with their exes. Okay, but if I don’t text my exes, how will they know I love them?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a poster of the documentary ‘The Last Dance’ at left side.]

Colin Jost: ESPN has released ‘The Last Dance’ which follows Michael Jordan’s last season with the Chicago Bulls. Unfortunately, the film ignores the important questions like, “Why did Michael Jordan film that Hanes commercial with the Hitler mustache?”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Lando Lakes logo at right side.]

Michael Che: Lando Lakes butter has removed the native American woman from the landscape on it’s packaging over concerns that the imagery was racist. Unfortunately, they’re replacing her  with the pipeline.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of grim reaper at left side.]

Colin Jost: A lawyer in Florida protested the opening of the states beaches by wearing a grim reaper costume and warning people at the beach about getting too close to each other. There was an awkward moment when he bumped into the actual grim reaper who was just making his regular Florida rounds.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture ofKelly Clarkson at right side.]

Michael Che: Kelly Clarkson has released a new song called “I dare you” in six different languages. It’s a song that has people all around the world coming together to say, “Eh!”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of viagra and an iPhone at left side.]

Colin Jost: A former postal worker was arrested for stealing an iPhone and a thousand viagra tablets. I assume texting people, “I’m up.”

Michael Che: Alright. That’s a 10 year old joke right there. A new study finds that pigeons in New York city are genetically different from pigeons in Boston. It’s actually easy to spot the difference because the Boston pigeons are the ones yelling at black birds to go back to where they came from.

Colin Jost: Just, also, I just want to say before we wrap up tonight, Michael, you’re probably familiar with the ‘all in’ challenge where different people are sort of challenging each other to go through different experiences and invite a fan to join them for an experience. And, you know, that’s a way to raise a lot of money for people in need. And I’m assuming this is something you’d be all in for, don’t you think?

Michael Che: Okay. Yeah, alright. No, sure.

Colin Jost: Well, we’ve actually set up a great– a site on the all in challenge where whoever donates the most money over the next week [Michael Che laughing] will get the change to write a joke that you can tell on our next show without having read it in advance. And it’s gonna be great. Fans are really excited. And, in case they needed sort of any guidelines or maybe an example, we actually sent you a joke tonight that you could read so that all the people who are gonna give generously can know sort of something that they can try. I think in your email, there might just be a joke you could read?

Michael Che: Are you serious?

Colin Jost: And, I think, you know, the nice thing about you agreeing in advance to do this is that it’s gonna raise a lot of money. And I think that’s really what you care about, don’t you think?

Michael Che: Yeah. My god. Alright. Uh, boy. [reading the email] It says here, NASA officials said that it’s possible that the first human sent to Mars could be a woman, so that when the male astronauts show up, dinner will be ready. Oh, god! [laughing]  Well, that just undoes everything I’ve ever done.

Colin Jost: So, guys, very exciting. If you want to donate and get a chance to make Michael Che say something, donate to this link we have below. You can’t click it coz it’s a screen. But, you can look at it and type it like we had to in the old days. [the link is allinchallenge.com/snljoke] So, that’s the link. Check it out. Thank you for your donations. For Weekend Update home edition, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Weekend Update Pete Davidson Talks About Bathroom Gender

Colin Jost

Pete Davidson

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Last week voters rejected the Houston equal rights ordinance which would have required businesses to allow transgender people access to the bathroom of their gender identity. Here with more on this is Pete Davidson.

[Pete Davidson slides in] [cheers and applause]

Pete Davidson: Hey, how you doing? Yeah, apparently this anti-discrimination law was voted down because [Cut to Pete Davidson] some people claim it’s just an excuse to allow guys in women’s restrooms. You know? The theory is that men in their relentless quest to watch women go to the bathroom are going through years of hormones, surgery, changing their names, their wardrobe, coming out to their family, all for that big payoff of peeing in a room without urinals. What is this fantasy that they think is going on in there? There is not shirtless pillow fights. There is no disco ball.

I grew up with a mom and a sister, so I know a little something about sharing a room, like, a bathroom with women. It sucks. Nobody wants to hangout in there. Last week I accidentally walked in on my mom in the toilet and I don’t think we’re ever gonna speak again.

Even if for some reason you’re desperate to use women’s bathrooms, you don’t need a sex change to do it. You could just walk in. There’s no bouncer. The door is right there. Seriously, I’ve been using the ladies room here to poop for the last two months.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Yeah. We’ve actually gotten a lot of complaints.

Pete Davidson: Yeah, from me. It’s filthy in there. [Cut to Pete Davidson] I thought girls were supposed to be the clean ones. It looks like a man made out of toilet paper was murdered in there.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Then why do you keep using it?

Pete Davidson: Because it’s the only bathroom that has wifi. And Cecily has a beautiful singing voice. [Cut to Pete Davidson] That was my favorite line.

[Colin Jost laughing hard]

Look, you know why I’m not worried about a woman in the men’s room? Coz every sporting even I’ve ever been to, a girls has bursted in and said, “Line’s too long. I’m peeing in here.” And guess what? It didn’t ruin my pooping experience. If anything, it’s the only reason I washed my hands.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Pete Davidson, everyone!