Tag: Break

Weekend Update: China’s Population Decline, Andy Murray Denied Bathroom Break

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set]

Michael Che: It was reported that last year the population of China declined by 850,000 people. Thanks to an increase in China’s leading cause of death, protesting. China plans to reverse the population decline with an emergency import of Nick Cannon. It’s a good news. There’s a happy ending, Colin.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of an article that says “School lights left on for year and a half”.]

Colin Jost: Nice happy ending to that. Due to a computer error, a school in Massachusetts has been unable to turn off its lights for over a year and a half. The students are doing fine but the classroom hamster has gone insane.

The US Department of the Interior has changed the name of Squaw Valley, California because it is considered a derogatory term for Native American women. Okay, I don’t understand how that name gets changed. And yet no one cares there’s an entire town in New York that mocks my people. [The place in New York is “White Plains”.] [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of San Francisco city.]

Michael Che: A San Francisco panel studying reparations is proposing giving every black resident a one time payment of $5 million. “Well, that’s a fantastic idea” said the Gucci store.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Kevin Spacey.]

Colin Jost: Hold for applause. Kevin Spacey made his first public speaking appearance in five years where he thanked Italy’s National Cinema museum for having the balls to invite him, “He also asked could I touch the ball?” I’m kidding, he didn’t ask permission.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of an article that says “118 year old nun dies”.]

Michael Che: Catholic nun in France, who was believed to be the oldest person in the world has died at the age of 118. Her cause of death was listed as “answered prayer.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Andy Murray.]

Colin Jost: Tennis star Andy Murray was upset after an umpire the Australian Open refused to let him take a bathroom break during a five set long match. Worse, it was deuce.

Spring Break Game Show Cold Open

Cece Vuvuzela… Maya Rudolph

Kyle Mooney

Beck Bennett

Chris Redd

Madison… Chloe Fineman

Poots… Ego Nwodim

Lego… Heidi Gardner

[Starts with show intro]

Female voice: You’re watching MTV Spring Break live at Miami beach where the party don’t stop until the government mandated curfew. Next stop, it’s the number one game show for hot infectious singles – “Snatched! Vaxed! or Waxed!”

[cheers and applause] [cut to Cece hosting the show]

Cece: Yes. Whoo! What’s up? Oh, what’s up, you guys? I am your host Cece Vuvuzela. I am here at beautiful Miami beach during global pandemic. We are so close to the end. Let’s ruin it! Okay, guys. When I say fourth, you say wave. Fourth!

Contestants: Wave!

Cece: Let’s go! Whoo! Today, three contestants will try and guess if our hidden lovely ladies are snatched – meaning the physique be right and tight, vaxed – and they got the anti-bodies-yadi-yadies, or waxed – a.k.a. smooth like a seal. That’s weird. Our equally important qualities. Ready boys?

Kyle: [excited] Oh, hell yeah!

Beck: Born this way.

Chris: My homie got me the vaccine two years ago. So, I’ve been straight for a minute.

Cece: Why don’t we meet our first covid cutie?

Madison: Hi, I’m Madison. I go to the university of high school where I major in home room. I’m here in Miami to either get covid or get laid.

Cece: Um, that’s good. Don’t let the pandemic change your priorities, right? What do you think, boys?

Kyle: That’s the voice of a girl with a small hard body if you please, ma’am. So, I’ma say snatched.

Beck: That sounded like a girl I hooked up with earlier today, so based off that I gotta say waxed.

Chris: Yo, she sounds like she’s down for anything crazy. So, I’ma say she got vaxed.

Cece: Tell em’ your deal.

Madison: I’m on Florida Adderal, man! So yeah, I’m snatched.

Cece: Oh, you guessed correct which means the two of you are headed to club Syph. With a capacity of 2,000, this place is literally on fire every night. Just make sure you go on before 10 because that’s when the cops stop firing pepper balls into your face.

Madison: Oh, pepper ball sounds fun. Let’s go do one.

[Madison and Kyle leave]

Cece: Snatched, Vaxed or waxed is brought to you by Spirit Airlines. “$10 flight to Miami. Don’t worry, we keep the windows open.” And AstraZeneca. “We put the ass in vassine”. Let’s meet our next hottie with the body.

Poots: Hey, I’m Poots and it’s technically not my spring break because I’m still going to Zoom school to be a therapist. Um-hmm, yeah, sorry sir, but you crazy. I’m gonna be a doctor.

Cece: Umm, what do we think, boys?

Chris: She sounded smart, so I gotta go with waxed.

Beck: I know she don’t want herpes, so I’m gonna say vaxed.

Cece: Uh-uh, neither of you guessed correctly. So, Poots is headed out on a date to the Versace Murder Steps all by herself.

Poots: I don’t wanna go there.

Cece: It’s not optional. Enjoy Miami. Let’s meet our final pandemic princess.

Lego: What’s up? I’m Lego and I actually can’t wear a mask coz it irritates my cold sores. So, I am anti-vaxed and anti-max. But I am laxed.

Chris: What are you saying?

Lego: I’m in laxed place.

Chris: Okay. You know what? She made a point saying she’s anti-vaxed. But I think she’s just flirting. So, I’ma say vaxed.

Cece: Oh, no, come on. You guys know no one partying in Miami is vaxed. [siren] Oh-oh, you know what that siren means.

Beck: [wearing his police vest] I’m actually a cop and that siren means I’m on duty now.

Cece: No. It means we take a shot and keep the party going. Please welcome people’s cousin Leopard.

[starting the party. Chris and Lego start danging]

Chris: Alright, alright, everybody out. Everybody out. Let’s go. Let’s go.

Cece: Oh, no, smoke bombs. That means they’re closing the bridges. We gotta go. I am Cece and it was all worth it. And–

All: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night.