Tag: Michael Che

Weekend Update Kid Genius Riley Jenson

Riley Jensen… Melissa Villaseñor

Riley’s Mom… Heidi Gardner

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set.]

Michael Che: A plane sent to space by the air force returned to earth. Here to talk about it is kid genius Riley Jensen.

[Riley Jenson comes in]

Riley’s Mom: Mama is going to be right over here.

Riley Jensen: Thanks, mom. Hi, everybody. Mr. Che, thanks for having me. [laughing]

Michael Che: Thanks for being here, Riley. What’s it like to be a kid genius?

[Cut to Riley Jensen]

Riley Jensen: Just like a regular kid, only sometimes I go on TV.

[Cut to Michael Che and Riley Jensen]

Michael Che: All right. Well, I hear you really know your stuff, so what can you tell me about this space plane?

Riley Jensen: What can’t I tell you? [Cut to Riley Jensen] The X37-B spacecraft measures 29 by 9.5 feet with a wing span of 15 feet.

[Cut to Michael Che and Riley Jensen]

Michael Che: Wow, that’s pretty big.

Riley Jensen: You bet. And Michael, you know what’s really cool? [Cut to Riley Jensen] The X37-B is one of the first unmanned spacecraft to land horizontal on a runway.

[Cut to Michael Che and Riley Jensen]

Michael Che: Whoa, cool. How does it do that?

[Cut to Riley Jensen. She doesn’t know the answer.]

Riley Jensen: Umm, what?

[Cut to Michael Che and Riley Jensen]

Michael Che: You said it lands horizontal. How does that do?

[Cut to Riley Jensen. She doesn’t know the answer.]

Riley Jensen: Uh, I—Uh—I don’t know.

[Cut to Michael Che and Riley Jensen]

Michael Che: That’s okay. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you.

Riley Jensen: No, it’s okay. [Cut to Riley Jensen.] Sometimes even geniuses make mistakes.

[Riley’s mom comes in.]

Riley’s Mom: You’re blowing it.

Riley Jensen: This guy’s throwing me curve balls, mom.

Riley’s Mom: Baby, these are softballs and you’re whiffing hard. Okay, you know what? That’s it, we’re canceling “Ellen”.

Riley Jensen: No, no, don’t. If you can’t handle Che, Ellen’s going to eat you alive.

[Riley’s mom leaves]

[Cut to Michael Che and Riley Jensen]

Michael Che: Is everything okay, Riley?
Riley Jensen: I’m great. That was my mom. She’s so funny.

Michael Che: Okay, well this is impressive. I hear you know the names of every planet in the galaxy.

Riley Jensen: Yep. All eight.

Michael Che: Well, eight would be our solar system. The galaxy has billions, right?

[Cut to Riley Jensen]

Riley Jensen: Oh, right, I knew that.

[Riley’s mom comes in again.]

Riley’s Mom: You’re bombing.

Riley Jensen: This guy is going off script, mom?

Riley’s Mom: Baby, you look like a normal kid, I want you to know that.

[Cut to Michael Che, Riley Jensen and her mom.]

Michael Che: Alright, I was given some flash cards to quiz you. But I think we should maybe just wrap up this.

Riley’s Mom: No, no. We’re doing the flash cards.

Riley Jensen: Yeah, bring it on. I can do it.

Riley’s Mom: Come on, baby, make mama love you. Come on.

Michael Che: Oh, no! Okay. Riley, what planet is this?

[Michael Che has a picture of earth]

Riley Jensen: Easy, Saturn.

Michael Che: It’s actually earth.

Riley’s Mom: Damn it, get it together.

Riley Jensen: Hit me again, Che!

Michael Che: Okay. Well, how about this one?

[Michael Che has a picture of Saturn]

Riley Jensen: Moon?

Riley’s Mom: No, baby, come on, that’s it. You know what? You’re going to live with your dad.

Riley Jensen: No, he smokes!

Michael Che: Riley Jensen, everybody. I’m so sorry.

Riley Jensen: I’m not smart, I’m just polite.

Weekend Update Foie Gras Ban and 67-Year-Old Woman Gives Birth

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of New York city at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A law has been proposed in New York city banning the sale of the delicacy of Foie Gras which is traditionally made by force feeding ducks. So, in New York, it’s made whenever a pigeon falls into boiling hot dog water. [Picture changes to a hotdog stand]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a shark at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A 2,000 pound shark has recently been spotted swimming along the east coast. Not to be confused with the 2,000 pound shark recently spotted at a comedy show. [Picture changes to Harvey Weinstein.] A handsome fellow there.

[Picture changes to apple logo and emojis]

Apple has introduced nearly 60 new emoji characters including a skunk, an oyster, and a drop of blood, which coincidentally is the exact recipe for mountain dew.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of stair case from the movie Joker.]

Colin Jost: A staircase in Bronx that was featured in the movie Joker is becoming a major tourist attraction. Specially among couples where the girlfriend has no say. [Michael Che laughing]

[Picture changes to a university logo]

The university of Arizona announced that it will stop referring to itself as UA, and now be known as U. Arizona. Is it just me or does that U. Arizona sound like the punch line to a joke about Arizona stereotypes? Like, if you’ve even gotten a D.U.I. in a golf cart, you Arizona.

[Cut to Michael che. There’s a picture of a baby at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A 67-year-old woman in China gave birth this week. The birth set a record for most friction. See. No, no, see, cause you guys don’t realize it, but that joke took me like four hours to write. I had much better punch lines, but the fellows at NBC standards said they were all too dirty. Like, first I was going to say, “I hope that kid likes his milk chalky.” But they, they say you can’t say that on TV. It was my second favorite punch line. My first favorite being, “She can breast-feed just by standing over the crib.” That’s a good one, right? No, NBC said too gross. Which is ridiculous. Too gross would be like if I said, “Doctors described the birth as quote, ‘Like pulling a penny out of a wad of gum.’” That’s too gross. Even I wouldn’t tell that joke on TV.

Weekend Update Trump Fires Back at Critics

[Starts with “Weekend Update” intro]

Announcer: It’s “Weekend Update” with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening, everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to “Weekend Update”. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: And I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Well, it’s been another less-than-ideal week for president Trump. A top diplomat confirmed the quid pro quo with Ukraine. Public support for impeachment rose to over half the country. And they even took Trump’s name off his own skating rinks in New York. You know you’re losing support among white voters when you can’t even appeal to ice skaters. But earlier today, Trump fired back at all of his critics with this tweet. [Picture changes to Donald Trump’s tweet] Four dots. That was the whole tweet. And while you might think it’s a mistake, it’s still up on his account and it’s got 41,000 likes. Four dots is maybe the most omnious think you could possibly tweet when you’re president, except what he tweeted just an hour ago, which was, [Picture changes to Donald Trump’s another tweet] “Something very big has just happened,” with no further explanation. Which with Trump could mean, we either just invaded Mexico or [Picture changes to McRib box] the McRib is back. But still, [Picture changes to a house republicans] Trump has his supporters, a group of house republicans led by live-action Quagmire, Matt Gaetz stormed into a hearing room during testimony during the impeachment inquiry, and these republicans were not happy with how Trump was being treated.

[Cut to a video clip of Matt Gaetz’s speech]

Matt Gaetz: If a government can do this to the president of the United States, they can do it to you as well. You need to be scared. You need to be very scared.

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Yet, somehow, not scared. I just don’t think that the average American is scared that they’re going to lost their job for withholding military aid for Ukraine. This protest was so lame that halfway through, the republicans [Picture changes to the republicans enjoying pizza. there’s a pile of pizza boxes.] ordered a pizza. And a reporter took this photo and my favorite part is this staff member’s [picture is zoomed to a woman looking at the camera] reaction once they saw the pizzas. It’s the kind of expression that says, [Trump’s tweet pops on her head] “Oh, something every big just happened.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Rudy Giuliani at right top corner.]

Michael Che: NBC news reporter accidentally got a butt dialed voice mail from Rudy Giuliani, in which he talked about overseas deals, Joe Biden and then asked for a few hundred thousand dollars. Man, what the hell happened to Rudy Giuliani? I’m a New Yorker. I remember Giuliani coming out of TV during 9/11 so calm and measured and he told us not to worry. And now I watch him on TV and I’m like, wait, did this guy even understand what was going on then? Or was he like Forest Gump in Vietnam? Somehow Giuliani went from the mayor of 9/11 to 9/11 of mayors.

[Cut to Coling Jost. There’s a picture of Mitch McConnell at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Senator and ghost pointing the murder happened, Mitch McConnell, denied a claim that he referred to the Ukraine Call as “Perfect”, because the only time Mitch McConnell has every said something was perfect is when he saw a child drop her ice cream cone and lose her balloon at the same time.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Alexandria Ocasi-Cortez and Bernie Sanders holding and raising their hands at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Representative Alexandria Ocasi-Cortez has endorsed Bernie Sanders for president. Damn, another young woman turning to an older man promising to pay for college. You hate to see it, Colin, you really do. That’s O for two?

[Cut to Coling Jost. There’s a picture of Bernie Sanders an a marijuana leaf at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Bernie Sanders announced his plan to legalize marijuana on Thursday at 4:20 because he likes his voters like he likes his taxes, high as hell.

[Picture changes to Hillary Clinton and Tuldi Gabbard]

Hillary Clinton indicated on a recent podcast that she believes that presidential candidate Tuldi Gabbard is being groomed by Russian intelligence. While Bernie Sanders is being groomed by a leaf blower. [Picture changes to Bernie Sanders with his messed up hair.]

Weekend Update First All-Female Space Walk Makes History

[Starts with Michael che in his news set. There’s a picture of Kanye West at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Rapper Kanye West released his new gospel album, “Jesus is King” yesterday, and it’s also been reported that Kanye will be altering his old hits with more G-rated lyrics. So, yay. At first, I thought Kanye was losing his mind and now I think he’s fine, he’s just turning into an old white lady. He used to be one of the coolest black dudes on earth, now he’s showing up to events in sweat pants and orthopedic sneakers looking like Kenny G. and trying to get black people to like Trump. How long before this guy changes his name to Cathy? You may think I’m crazy, but about five years ago, there was a fellow named Bruce Jenner–

[Cut to Colin Jost laughing. There’s a picture of two female astronauts at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Pretty much ended. Yeah, that’s great. Two women on the international space station made history with the first all-female spacewalk which was marked by live television coverage and a male astronaut inside the space station yelling, “Kiss!”

[Picture changes to Brett Kavanaugh]

A new poll shows that the best-known supreme court justice is now Brett Kavanaugh. Sort of in the same way that the best-known sandwich mascot is [Picture changes to Jared Fogle with Subway watermark on it.] Jared Fogle.

[Cut to Michael Che. there’s a picture of Boston city at right top corner.]

Michael Che: All right. Name another one. Lawmakers in Boston are considering a new law that would make it illegal to call someone a bitch. Unless, of course, that person is wearing a Yankee’s hat. [Picture changes to a solar-powered boat] To celebrate the 400th anniversary of “The May Flower”, a solar-powered boat will cross the atlantic. Personally, I’m not celebrating any ship that crossed the Atlantic 400 years ago. Fool me twice, shame on me.

[Cut to Colin Jost laughing. There’s a picture a rat at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: An art student in Norway has trained her pet rat to make tiny paintings with his feet. Critics call the paintings bad even by rat standards.

[Picture changes to a Target logo and an Olaf snowman]

Police in Florida arrested a man in a local target for masturbating with an Olaf doll. Worse, he let it go. Now, I think it’s weird to use an Olaf doll because most people just their hands. [Picture changes to cartoon character Hans.]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che]

For “Weekend Update”, I’m Colin Jost. \

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che! Good night.

Weekend Update Trump Loses Five Court Cases in One Day

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s “Weekend Update” With Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Thank you. Good evening, everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to “Weekend Update”. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

According to a Fox News poll 51% of Americans support impeaching president Trump. You know it’s bad because Fox News barely talks about their own poll. I saw the poll all over MSNBC, when I flipped over to Fox News they were decorating cakes. Meanwhile, CNN I saw this headline. “Trump loses five court cases in one day distancing himself from Giuliani” and then I couldn’t read anymore. It’s never good and there’s so much bad news, CNN has to switch to a smaller font to fit it all. And it’s definitely about to get worse for Trump [Picture changes to Guiliani’s associates Igor Fruman and Lev Parnas] because of these two shreks. Two Soviet born associates of Rudy Giuliani, Igor Fruman and Lev Parnas who were somehow not killed by John Wick, were arrested in Dulles airport in Washington for allegedly funneling Russian money to the Trump campaign, which as you might have guessed is very illegal. [Picture changes to Donald Trump]And before Trump says, “I don’t even know these guys”, here’s a quick slide show put together.

[Cut to slideshow of pictures of Donald trump, Igor Fruman and Lev Parnas]

[Music playing]

The boys are back in town the boys are back in town

I said the boys are back in town God,

[Cut to Colin Jost]

They photograph well. Giuliani’s two associates are also very successful entrepreneurs. Igor, the handsome one, owns a club in Ukraine that’s called Mafia Rave, which I think counts as a full confession. And then Lev, the shy one, I swear to you owns a security business called, I swear to you, Fraud Guarantee. So, my guarantee is Trump is about to lose court case number six.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is picture of Igor Fruman and Lev Parnas at right top corner.]

Michael Che: First of all, bravo to the casting agency that found these two thumb breakers. They look like they use vodka as cologne. These guys have definitely worn track suits to their daughter’s wedding. I know these are easy jokes but I’m just surprised these guys were helping the president and not,  I don’t know, helping George Costanza get a frogger machine across the street.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: And, how is Trump handling this impeachment? Well, I would say not great based on what he did at his emotional support rally on Thursday. This is an actual headline about the rally. “Trump appears to do impression of FBI agents having sex.” I thought ,”Well, that’s got to be an exaggeration, right?”  Then I saw the clip.

[Cut to video clip of Donald Trump’s speech]

Donald Trump: I love you, Peter. I love you, too, Lisa. Lisa, I—Lisa, Lisa, oh, god. I love you, Lisa.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: First of all, he’s killing. Like, the audience loves it. I’m actually jealous. The rally was like “Showtime at the Apollo” except, you know. Opposite. Also, the crowd is laughing along like they have any idea who these FBI agents are. I bet Trump’s impression of those two agents are about as accurate as my impression of Pete Buttigieg.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is picture of White House at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Democrats are calling president Trump’s behavior unconstitutional to which Trump responded, [Picture changes to Donald Trump] “You’re right. I had no idea. And I’m sorry.” I’m just kidding. You know that ain’t right. Do you think after the whole impeachment thing is over we can just take a year off from presidents? Just to clear our heads a little. You know, not rush into someone else horrible? Right now my standards are so low, [Picture changes to Bernie Sanders] I saw Bernie Sanders have a heart attack and I was like, “Maybe him! He seems tough.” I mean we can afford a break. Right? As a country. Why don’t we take some of that old free cotton money and coast for a year until we get our groove back?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Trump–

Michael Che: [Laughing] Can’t say cotton money on NBC.

Colin Jost: [Laughing] Trump then explained withdrawing troops from Northern Syria saying that we didn’t need to defend our Kurdish allies because “They didn’t help us in World War II.” But with World War II, it’s kind of hard to know who Trump means by ‘Us’. In other foreign news, after being asked about the wife of the US diplomat in Britain striking and killing a teenager while driving on the wrong side of the road, president Trump said this.

[Cut to Donald Trump’s speech]

Donald Trump: And the woman was driving on the wrong side of the road and that can happen. Those are the opposite roads. It happens. I won’t say it ever happened to me, but it did.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry, it did happen to you? I’m not sure what’s crazier, that the president straight up admitted to vehicular manslaughter on live TV? Or that he is pretending that he ever drove a car?

[Cut to Michael Che. There is picture of CNN logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: CNN held an equality town hall with nine of the democratic presidential candidates answering questions about their views on LGBTQ issues. And I thought it was really cool. [Picture changes to Pete Buttigieg] Mayor Pete did exceptionally well. I’ve heard people ask him, “Is America ready to have their first gay president?” But there’s no way we haven’t already our first gay president. We’ve picked 45 guys in a row. The better question is, which one? My guess is Abraham Lincoln. What? He got shot at the theater. That’s a pretty gay way to go. I bet John Wilkes Booth was like, “I know where that bitch is. He’s probably watching “Kinky Boots” again.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of Donald Trump and Joe Biden at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Joe Biden—Joe Biden for the first time called for president Trump to be impeached and removed for office after he finally realized that the Joe Biden Trump keeps attacking was him.

Weekend Update Pete Davidson on Sexually Transmitted Diseases

Colin Jost

Pete Davidson

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set]

Colin Jost: According to the CDC, cases of the sexually transmitted diseases as chlamydia, syphilis and gonorrhea are all at all-time highs because of dating apps. With more on this obviously is Pete Davidson.

[Pete Davidson slides in]

Pete Davidson: Thank you very much. Hello. Yes. Thank you. Undeserved, all of this. Yeah, I don’t—I don’t really see the problem.

Colin Jost: What do you mean, Pete?

Pete Davidson: I don’t see the problem, Colin. These are all things you can cure with a shot. I don’t know how this is even news, really.

[Cut to Pete Davidson] I understand, you know, people can be worried about STDs. I get tested all the time because I look like I have all of them. Yeah, and I might have created my own, but every single time I pray I only get the ones you just mentioned because you can just take a pill and keep rolling the dice. You know? The flu can last like a month, but syphilis, it’s like four days. Bring it on.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]
The flu is like our syphilises.

Colin Jost: Well, I guess that’s a really optimistic way of looking at it.

Pete Davidson: It’s the only way, Colin. No. So, I reckon a number of people have curable STDs.

[Cut to Pete Davidson]

You know what I hear, way to go science. All right? There’s already a cure? We don’t even need to have a race for it? Like, I read online dating is actually like desegregating American online. Like helping. Way more people are dating outside their race and their social class and religion. You’re going to risk all that ethnic harmony to stop a few busted pipes from dripping? I don’t think that’s fair.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Pete!

Pete Davidson: What? Fine. Penis. You child. No, they don’t let us say any of the fun words. You think busted pipes dripping was my first choice?

Colin Jost: I’m worried you may be giving people bad advice.

Pete Davidson: Definitely. [Cut to Pete Davidson] But obviously, it’s a bad thing all of these diseases are back after so many years. Gonorrhea. Does everything in my generation have to be a reboot? Like, the clap and Rambo came back in the same year. And neither of them were wanted. That guy’s like, green. Anyway, crazy. Sorry to get a little off topic. So, no. Don’t get me wrong. I’m saying to people you should wear you know, wear a condom, but since you won’t, you know—call your doctor and get antibiotics. That’s all.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: That’s all you wanted to say?

Pete Davidson: Yes. It really is. You know? So I did hear your little joke about me last week. Your gentle little ribbing calling me that guy who lost his car at a music festival for a week, which I looked up, it was not me. And by the way, Colin, I don’t know if you’ve seen “The Joker” but I think you should start being way nicer to me.

Colin Jost: Pete Davidson, everyone.

Pete Davidson: I’m serious.

Colin Jost: For “Weekend Update”, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Good night.

Weekend Update Catholic Church Debates Celibacy Requirement for Priests

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of college athletes at left top corner]

Colin Jost: California has passed a new law that will allow college athletes to earn money from the use of their name and likeness. This is great news for top California college athletes like Aunt Becky’s daughter. [Laughter]

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of a TV channel on right top corner.]

Michael Che: The owner of the Jacksonville Jaguars announced that he will be a majority investor in a new 24-hour news network aimed at African-American viewers. Unfortunately they’ve named it CNN-World. You’re laughing a little too hard there, buddy. The senate is criticized for failing to enact a proposed ban of realistic sex dolls that looks like children. Unfortunately while researching this story I googled realistic sex dolls that look like that on my work computer and now I’ve got to go away for a while.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of a satellite at right top corner]

Colin Jost: Astronauts on the international space session successfully created meat using a 3D printer. And after eating, they created a fourth-D, diarrhea.

[The picture changes to a news article and a picture of an alligator]

A Florida man arrested after catching an alligator and tried to get it drunk. Worse, the man calls himself crocodile cause B.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of chicken nuggets on right top corner.]

Michael Che: A British woman was vegan called the police on her friends after she claimed they tricked her into eating chicken nuggets by saying they were plant based. She knew she’d been tricked when the nuggets tasted good.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of gathering of bishops at right top corner]

Colin Jost: As a gathering of bishops, pope Francis suggested the Vatican may consider dropping Celibacy requirements for some priests. Then he rushed back to the mic adding, “With adult women”.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of a pink bicycle on right top corner.]

Michael Che: Florida police arrested the woman who was riding her bike with a glass pipe hidden in her buttocks. They were able to catch up to her after she turned on to a very bumpy road.

 

Weekend Update Bailey Gismert on Fall 2019 Movies

Bailey Kizmer… Heidi Gardner

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set]

Michael Che: Fall movies have brought both box office hits and Oscar buzz. Here to talk about the hottest films hitting theaters this season is teen movie critic and star of her very own youtube channel, Bailey at the movies, please welcome Bailey Kizmer.

[Bailey Kizmer slides in]

[Cheers and applause]

Bailey Kizmer: What’s up?

Michael Che: Well, hi, Bailey. It’s very nice to see you.

Bailey Kizmer: Hmm. So official. Reporting for duty, Mr. Che.

Michael Che: Okay, Bailey. How was your summer? Let’s start there.

Bailey Kizmer: Oh, well. I got thrown into the pool by everyone of my guy friends. I mean, I guess it’s because I’m like, light? I don’t know.

Michael Che: All right, Bailey, so what movies have you seen recently?

[Cut to Bailey Kizmer]

Bailey Kizmer: Okay. So, I saw “IT Chapter Two”. And I don’t know, like, ooh. Awkward! It was like, Pennywise was so keep hanging out with the same kids? You’re a dusty ass clown. Awkward!

[Cut to Michael Che and Bailey Kizmer]

Michael Che: I getthat. Well, did you see anything else?

Bailey Kizmer: So, I saw – I saw “Judy”. [Cut to Bailey Kizmer] It’s like awkward. The singing was thirsty. It’s like—I’m in jazz choir too. But I didn’t make a whole jazz choir movie about it.

[Cut to Michael Che and Bailey Kizmer]

Michael Che: All right. Did you see “Joker”? Lots of people talking about “Joker”.

Bailey Kizmer: I mean, I looked at it. So, I guess I saw it and yeah, it was like psycho but it’s nothing I can’t handle.

Michael Che: What? Bailey? Do you like the Joker?

[Cut to Bailey Kizmer]

Bailey Kizmer: Okay. His name is Arthur, and I don’t like him. I just like think I could help him. And yeah, Arthur and I have a lot in common. We’re silly. We’re fit. We have good looks.

[Cut to Michael Che and Bailey Kizmer]

Michael Che: Bailey you just admitted you like the Joker.

[Cut to Bailey Kizmer]

Bailey Kizmer: Michael, I know you know him, because you’re both trying to do comedy or whatever.

[Cut to Michael Che and Bailey Kizmer]

If you tell him that I like him, like, he could kill me.

Michael Che: Hey, Bailey, I did not mean to make you mad.

Bailey Kizmer: Not—[Cut to Bailey Kizmer] I’m not mad. Okay? I just—Oh! It’s just like the beginning of the year, and like, all my hot older guy friends went off to college and like, I know, like, Leslie’s gone and she was like your wife, but that’s –

[Cut to Michael Che and Bailey Kizmer] that’s one person. I’m just like slammed. Okay? [Cut to Bailey Kizmer] With the debate and ping-pong and next week I have to tie like 1,000 ribbons.

[Cut to Michael Che and Bailey Kizmer]

Michael Che: Why do you have to tie ribbons?

Bailey Kizmer: To end hurricanes, Michael!

Michael Che: I think you’re gong to have a great year.

Bailey Kizmer: What are you, like my dad now? Meantime, like and subscribe below. And follow my other channel where I try nasty foods from other countries.

Michael Che: Bailey Kizmer, everybody.

Bailey Kizmer: The Joker director was right. The comedy was too woke.

Weekend Update Trump Brushes Off Impeachment Concerns

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[Cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening, everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che. I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: As impeachment gains momentum, president Trump said he may stop referring to the media as ‘Fake News’. And start calling them ‘Corrupt news’. And the media says they may stop referring to him as ‘President Trump’ and start calling him former president Trump.

[Cheers and applause]

Trump has brushed off any concern about impeachment saying, “I’m used to it. It’s like putting on a suit.” Meaning it’s a massive daily struggle that takes up most of his mornings. This week we also started seeing evidence of the white house covering up the Ukraine scandal, like one not all suspicious text that said, “There were no quid pro quos of any kind.” Unfortunately the next text was the wink emoji, cash emoji, crazy wink emoji and then the Guiliani emoji.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Trump keeps saying there was no quid pro quo, which can only mean there was mad quid pro quo. Whenever a guy with like a 30 word vocabulary starts quoting the law in Latin it’s because breaks the law all the time. That’s only something you can learn the hard way. There’s guys that can barely count but can somehow tell you exactly how much cocaine you can get caught with before it’s considered trafficking. That’s three grams, by the way.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Then Trump publicly asked China to investigate Joe Biden, because apparently Trump thinks that’s what presidents should do.

[Cut to video clip of Donald Trump speaking]

Donald Trump: This was not about politics. This is about corruption. And if you look and you read our constitution and many other things, we—I have an obligation to look at corruption. I have an actual obligation and a duty.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: First of all, you’re screaming. Just a thought, maybe don’t hold all your press conferences next to an active helicopter. Also you’re going after Joe Biden for corruption? I mean, the guy lives in Delaware. He still takes a train to work every day. If he’s stealing billions of dollars, he’s waiting a long time to spend it.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Trump hasn’t been handling this impeachment news well. He’s been on a twitter rampage. He’s openly called for China to investigate Joe Biden. It also came out that Trump suggested adding a moat filled with alligators and snakes to his proposed border wall. I don’t know how to say this, but are we sure that it’s okay to make fun of this guy? Did you ever read “Of mice and men”? Remember how Lenny was really strong? What if Trump is really strong? I’ve got a cousin who is also very strong. He loves Alligators too. But we don’t make fun of him. Trump tweeted 800 times in the past month. For context, Crissy Teigen tweeted 218 times. Now obviously I feel like the president should be a lot busier than Crissy Teigen. But if Trump is as strong as I think he is, then good job, big bella.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of Nickelback meme at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Twitter removed an anti-Joe Biden Nickelback meme that was posted by the president.

Michael Che: See, he’s strong.

Colin Jost:  Which is a sentence that if you had said it at any other time in history, would have meant that you were in the middle of a stroke. I also want to point out that Nickelback is Canadian. So Trump was still technically using foreigners to go after Joe Biden.

[The picture changes to Bernie Sanders] In the third quarter of this year, Bernie Sanders raised $25 million and then did what any 78-year-old would do after winning $25 million, he had a heart attack.

Weekend Update Supercentenarian Mort Fellner Returns

Mort Felder … Mikey Day

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set]

Colin Jost: American votes over 700 super centenarians, that’s people over 110 years old and many are making headlines. Here with the super centenarian news is here is Mort Felder.

[Mort Felder slides in]

Mort Felder: Yes, thank you. Hello, Colin. [Cut to Mort Felder and Colin Jost] My wife says you look like a young Errol Flynn.

Colin Jost: Great. So you got some news stories for us, Mort?

Mort Felder: You bet. Here are some of the super things America’s super centenarians are up to.

[Cut to Mort Felder]

Last week, 114 year-old Howard Donahue finally achieved his lifelong dream of experiencing the warm waters of Hawaii.

[Cut to Mort Felder and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Oh, well that’s fun.
Mort Felder: His ashes were spread near the coast on Sunday. He will be missed.

Colin Jost: That’s not where I thought that story was going, Mort.

Mort Felder: Well, yeah. [Cut to Mort Felder] How about 111-year-old Jan Butler, who because the oldest living person to take the bar exam last month. And she passed–

[Cut to Mort Felder and Colin jost]

Colin Jost: Go, Jan!

Mort Felder: –away, moments after completing the task. Rest in peace, Jan.

Colin Jost: Okay, well it’s still a great accomplishment for her.

Mort Felder: Yes, it is. Colin, guess who, 115-year-old Clint Eastwood super fan Eda Kerns finally met?

Colin Jost: Clint Eastwood?

[Cut to Mort Felder]

Mort Felder: Her maker. Eda passed peacefully in her home on Thursday.

[Cut to Mort Felder and Colin]

Colin Jost: Are there any stories with happier endings, Mort?

Mort Felder: Yeah. How about some Showbiz News?

Colin Jost: Love it, great.

Mort Felder: All right. [Cut to Mort Felder] 116-year-old Paul Douglas did his first standup comedy set at the Temple Improv on Friday.

[Cut to Mort Felder and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Hey, that’s good for Paul.

Mort Felder: Yes, he did a very energetic 45-minute set and absolutely destroyed–

Colin Jost: Nice.

[Cut to Mort Felder]

Mort Felder: –his fragile immune system in the process and passed shortly thereafter. I’m just reporting the news. R.I.P, Paul.

Colin Jost: That’s too bad. [Cut to Mort Felder and Colin Jost] I was really excited about that one.

Mort Felder: Hey, time for sports news. Colin, do you like baseball?

Colin Jost: I’m afraid to say, but yes, I do.

[Cut to Mort Felder]

Mort Felder: You do? Well, not as much as Joe Feeney who on Sunday joined the Angels.

[Cut to Mort Felder and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Oh, no.

Mort Felder: No, the Angels baseball team.

Colin Jost: Oh, okay.
Mort Felder: In Anaheim, who honored Joe’s five decades of fandom. He even threw out the first pitch. And the umpire called–

[Cut to Mort Felder and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: A strike?

Mort Felder: 911 when he collapsed on the mound. But Joe remains alive and well.

Colin Jost: Yay! Hi, Joe.

Mort Felder: In our hearts. As he died en route to the hospital.

Colin Jost: Thank you, Mort. Mort Felder with the super centenarian news. For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Good night.