Michael Che Archives - Page 64 of 72 - SNL Transcripts Tonight

Scarlett Johansson Holiday Monologue

Scarlett Johansson

Tweezel… Aidy Bryant

Nick Fury… Kenan Thompson

Cecily Strong

Heidi Gardner

Kyle Mooney

Pete Davidson

Beck Bennett

Bowen Yang

Colin Jost

Michael Che

Chris Redd

Ego Nwodim

Alex Moffat

Mikey Day

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Scarlett Johansson.

[band is playing music]

[Scarlett Johansson walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Scarlett Johannson: Thank you. Thank you very much. It is so great to be back hosting SNL for the sixth time. You know, the sixth time is even more exciting than the fifth because you’re not worried anymore. I mean, if the show is bad, what are they going to do? Fire my fiance? Oh, no, what will we do without his pay check? I’m also so happy to be here because it’s Christmas time. And I don’t know about you but I still believe in the magic of Christmas.

Tweezel: Well, that’s good to hear, Scarlett.

Scarlett Johannson: Oh, my god, it’s Tweezel! My old elf on the shelf.

Speaker 2: That’s right. It’s me and I hear you’ve been a very good girl this year.

Scarlett Johannson: Well, I certainly tried my best. That’s for sure.

Speaker 2: I’m sure Santa would want to—

[Tweezel slowly turns to dust]

Well—what is this?

Scarlett Johannson: Aidy! Your arm!

Speaker 2: Hey, hey—what the hell is happening?

Scarlett Johannson: Oh, no, Thanos. From “The Avengers” movie I was in. Not the last one. The one before that.

[Cut to Alex Moffat, Ego Nwodim and Chris Redd backstage]

Alex Moffat: No, no! [Alex turns to dust]

Chris Redd: Oh, my god. Mikey.

Ego Nwodim: I thought that was Alex.

ChrisReddRedd: It’s the same damn thing.

[Cut to 1]

Scarlett Johannson: My god! Am I gonna have to save everyone? I left my Black Widow costume in my car.

[Beck Bennet walks in]

Beck Bennett: Scarlett, what is this happening?

Scarlett Johannson: I think Thanos may have somehow returned and found the infinity stone.

Beck Bennet: No, I meant this monologue. This doesn’t seem super top call right? This is like the back-up monologue from the last time you hosted or something?

Scarlett Johannson: Okay, hey, Beck, I love you and it’s Christmas, but you just got to get out of here.

[Beck Bennett slowly turns to dust]

Beck Bennett: No. You need me. Who is going to play the dumb idiot?

[Cut to Cecily Strong and Heidi Gardner back stage]

Heidi Gardner: Cecily, thank god you’re okay. I think Thanos took Pete.

Cecily Strong: No, it’s just one of those weeks when Pete doesn’t show up.

Heidi Gardner: Oh, my god! Look at Bowen.

[Cut to Bowen Yang turning to dust]

Bowen Yang: Wow, first Asian cast member. Now you’re dusting me? Twitter’s gonna eat you alive.

[Cut to Scarlett Johansson]

Scarlett Johannson: Bowen too? I have to stop this.

[Michael Che walks in]

Michael Che: Scarlett.

Scarlett Johannson: Ah! Michael! Oh, thank god you’re safe. But if you’re here, that must mean that Colin is—

[Colin Jost walks in]

Colin Jost: Hey. Don’t worry. I’m safe.

Scarlett Johannson: Hi, hey. What’s up?

Colin Jost: Well, I thought you’d be more, like, relieved to see me.

Scarlett Johannson: No, I am. No, it’s great.

Colin Jost: It just doesn’t feel great.

Michael Che: Well, I’m just going to head out.

[Michael Che leaves]

Scarlett Johannson: I’m sorry. It’s just, like, I’m focused on Thanos right now.

Colin Jost: Yes! Totally. I got to update stuffs anyway. It’s like saving the world too. Just on a smaller level.

[Nick Fury walks in]

Nick Fury: Natasha! If you gonna stop Thanos, you gonna need my help.

Scarlett Johannson: Sam Jackson, I mean, wait, what’s your name in the movie again?

Colin Jost: Nick Fury from S.H.I.E.L.D. Did you now watch the movies? [Scarlett Johansson is staring at Colin Jost] I’m just going to get out of here.

Scarlett Johannson: Why is Thanos doing this?

Nick Fury: It’s not Thanos this time. Somebody else has got Thanos’s glove.

[Cut to Pete Davidson playing with Thanos’s gauntlet on.

Pete Davidson: Yo, man! This is insane. I have to stop getting high and buying things on ebay. Half the people disappears. Sick, right?

[Cut to Kyle Mooney and Pete Davidson]

Kyle Mooney: So sick! And hey, thanks for getting rid of Beck for me.

Pete Davidson: Oh, no problem dude.

[Scarlett Johansson and Nick Fury walk in]

Scarlett Johannson: Pete, you have to stop this at once. Where did they all disappear to?

Pete Davidson: Peacock. It’s NBC’s new streaming service.[Cut to Peacock video bumper.] Peacock. Comedy starts here.

[Cut to Nick Fury, Scarlett Johansson and Pete Davidson]

Scarlett Johannson: Can you please bring him back? Please Pete? Just for Christmas?

Nick Fury: Please, please.

Pete Davidson: Okay, fine. I’ll bring them back.

Scarlett Johannson: No, Pete, you gotta snap it.

Pete Davidson: Oh. Okay. I didn’t see the movie.

Scarlett Johannson: Okay. Merry Christmas, Pete!

Pete Davidson: Oh, thank you. You too.

Nick Fury: So, Pete, taking a few shows off, are you?

Pete Davidson: Yeah. You know, when you’ve been here as long as I have, you can do that.

Nick Fury: Really? Well, that’s good to know.

[Cut to Scarlett Johansson and all the SNL cast members on the stage]
Scarlett Johannson: Well, it’s great to have you all back. I just want to say, this place means so much to me. I have so many friends here, and I met the love of my life here. Merry Christmas. We get a great show. Niall Horan is here. So, stick around. We’ll be right back.

Weekend Update: #1 Spotify Artist and Peloton Backlash

Michael Che

Colin Jost

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There is a picture of Post Malone and a logo of Spotify at right top corner.]

Michael Che: It was announced that the most streamed artist of 2019 was Post Malone. He is replacing last year’s winner, Pre Malone.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a woman and Peloton logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Peloton is being called sexist for a new ad showing a wife obsessively using a Peloton bike that her husband gave her. But at least they decided against using the slogan, “Peloton, you’d better keep it tighter than the baby sitter.”

[Michael Che laughing]

[the picture changes to a mannequin and a British flag]

The parents of a toddler in great Britain say he’s obsessed with a hair styling mannequin head and he’s carrying it everywhere. It’s an adorable habit that his parents will look back on wistfully when they watch him be sentenced for multiple murders.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a dog and a microwave at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A dog in England started a house fire after he jumped on the counter and accidentally turned on the microwave. If it was such an accident, how come the microwave had a cat in it? A cute one.

[The picture changes to XFL logo]

The XFL has unveiled the new uniform for the upcoming season. At the same time, they’ll be shipping them directly to Haiti.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a news article at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A german woman is under investigation after she was told to leave a tram for not having a ticket and she sprayed the worker with her breast milk. The worst part was the worker just stood there. Mouth wide open.

[Picture changes the another news article]

Police in North Carolina arrested man after he was discovered in Cole’s parking lot smoking marijuana naked in his car. And I’m willing to bet that car was a Lincoln. [Picture changes to Matthew McConaughey in driving seat]

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of John Schnatter at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The wife of John Schnatter, the founder of Papa John’s has filed for divorce because marriage is a lot like Papa John’s pizza. It only seems like a good idea when you’re drunk and alone.

Weekend Update Moving Forward with Impeachment

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with ‘Weekend Update’ intro]

Announcer: It’s “Weekend Update” with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their set]

Colin Jost: Thank you, thank you.

[cheers and applause]

Michael Che: Welcome to “Weekend Update.” I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

This week, democrats announced that they would move towards impeachment before Christmas. So, Trump was right. A lot of Americans will be saying Merry Christmas again. [The picture changes to Nancy Pelosi] After announcing articles impeachment, Nancy Pelosi criticized a reporter who asked her if she hates president Trump saying, “As a Catholic I don’t hate anyone.” As a Catholic, I know there’s always one person you hate. Yourself. Also, a Catholic approach wouldn’t be to impeach Trump. It would be to quietly transfer him to a different presidency.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump, wine and a map of France at right top corner.]

Michael Che: President Trump warned France that if it impose it’s attacks on US tech companies, the US will retaliate with a tax on French wine. And I got to admit, it is pretty funny that all the Trump’s tariffs are based on lazy stereotypes. In it was Japan you would attack ninja stars. If it was Italy, spaghetti. God forbid it was a black country. He would probably tax those Popeye chicken sandwiches.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of Donald Trump and Just Trudeau left top corner.]

Colin Jost: President Trump called Justin Trudeau two-faced after the Canadian Prime Minister was caught making fun of Trump. And it is true, I’ve definitely seen Trudeau with at least one other face.

[Picture changes to an old picture of Justin Trudeau having black face]

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]
Michael Che: Oh, you going out swinging! President Trump said he wants to get rid of water saving regulations for toilets.

[Cut to Donald Trump speaking in a conference.]

Donald Trump: People are flushing ten times, 15 times, as opposed to once.

[Cut to Michael Che.]

Michael Che: What people are flushing toilets 15 times? Besides you. You don’t even drink. You can’t blame whiskey. I don’t want to be gross, but if you’re up to double digit flushes, you might as well just grab it out the bowl and toss it out the window.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of Devin Nunes, Rudy Giuliani and Lev Parnas at right top corner.]

Colin Jost: According to at representative Devin Nunes, he spoke with Giuliani associate Lev Parnas on the phone for 8 minutes, which if true that would be the longest call ever completed on AT&T. That means that Giuliani, Devin Nunes and Lev Parnas were in constant contact during the whole Ukraine scheme. I’m just impressed these geniuses were able to up with a plan at all. Usually when people with their mental capacity team up, all they do is talk about different kinds of shrimp. [Picture changes to Tom Hanks nd Michael Jace]

[Michael Che laughing]

[Picture changes to Rudy Giuliani]

And now, Rudy Giuliani has traveled to Ukraine to work on a documentary they think will undermine the democrats’ case for impeachment. Does he know how long it takes to make a documentary? Is there a voting on impeachment in like a week. I think when he says a documentary, he might just mean a tiktok.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of White House at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The white house issued new guidelines that requires people receiving food stamps to work at least 20 hours a week. Good, I guess people on food stamps have had it too good for too long. Why does everybody always think the poorest people are trying to take advantage of them? One time I saw a guy begging on a train, and I was about to give him money. And this lady immediately goes like, “Oh, he’s just faking it.” I don’t know. That smells like pretty real piss.

Weekend Update: Harriet Tubman & Buttigieg Dance

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Julia Roberts and Harriet Tubman Biopic’s cover at right top corner.]]

Michael Che: The screenwriter of the new Harriet Tubman Biopic said when he first pitched the movie in the ’90s, a studio executive suggested Julia Roberts play Harried Tubman. I know. Worse, it was going to be called ‘Runaway Bride 2.” I’d watch that.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of dress and accessories at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: I’m worried about this one now. An auction of Nazi memorabilia was held, which featured items such as Hitler’s top hat and Eva Braun’s dress. And it’s tough to auction off Nazi memorabilia, because everyone always looks like they’re bidding. [picture changes to Nazi army raising their hands.] Thank you. Some applause. I liked it.

[picture changes to Pete Buttingieg]

Pete Buttingieg’s campaign has released a viral dance video set to panic at the disco’s ‘High hopes.’

[Cut to a video clip of people dancing on ‘High Hopes’ at Pete Buttingieg’s campaign.]

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: It’s all part of Mayor Pete’s strategy to get a negative percentage of the black vote.

[Cut to Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of a note written “Meth. We’re on it.” at right top corner.]

Michael Che: South Dakota’s governor is defending a new anti-meth campaign which features a tagline— “Meth. We’re on it.” Which isn’t as bad as North Dakota’s ad campaign— “Cocaine. We cracked it!”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of M&M’s at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The maker of M&Ms announced a new vegan chocolate candy made with a plant based alternative. So, I guess the real news here is that apparently regular M&Ms are made of meat.

[Cut to M&Ms commercial]

Announcer: M&Ms; we have the meats.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a black blank picture at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: So dumb. Scientists are working to develop advanced ultra black materials, so dark they absorb 99% of all light. Oh, sure, but when I try to develop ultra black material, [Cut to Colin Jost’s picture of his stand-up show] I’m booed at the Apollo.

[Cut to Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Vagina Museum at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A new museum is opened in London called the Vagina Museum which focuses on de-stigmatizing female anatomy and if you’re planning a trip, remember, it’s closed one week a month.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che.]

Colin Jost: [laughing] Weekend Update. I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Good night.

Weekend Update: End of Impeachment Hearings

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with ‘Weekend Update’ intro]

Announcer: It’s “Weekend Update” with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]

Colin Jost: Thank you very much. Good evening.

Michael Che: Welcome to “Weekend Update”. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin jost. There is a picture of impeachment hearing at left top corner.]

Testimony in the impeachment hearing concluded in the house this week. And now the debate will shift to your house for thanksgiving. [Picture changes to David Nunes] It was reported last night that one of the stars of the hearing, congressman Devin Nunes, who has resting Spongebob face allegedly met in secret last year with a Ukrainian prosecutor to get dirt on the Bidens. So, the guy who’s supposed to be investigating Trump helped him do the crime. Nunes is so deep in this, he’s basically living in a pineapple under the sea. Now, the source of the theory is a little unreliable. So, I probably should not have mentioned it on TV. But, hey, that never stopped Devin Nunes. Do you remember when he said this about democrats?

[Cut to David Nunes speaking]

David Nunes: They got caught trying to obtain nude photos of president Trump from Russian pranksters.

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Yeah. Somehow, I don’t think Russia has a lot of pranksters. It’s not like when the president of Russia poisons a journalist he jumps out and yells, “You just got Putined!” [Picture changes to Gordon Sondland] But the big revelation this week has the EU ambassador Gordon Sondland explicitly tied Trump, Mike Pompeo, and Mike Pence to the Ukraine scandal. It’s especially though for Pence, [picture changes to Mike Pence] whose greatest fear is being tied to something by another man.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of Gordon Sondland at right top corner.]

Michael Che: I love how much fun Sondland was having. Look at his face. He’s in court for one of the biggest political scandals of all time, and he looks like he just took a molly suppository. How is he so relaxed in court? Meanwhile, every time a cop asks my name, I get so nervous I can barely say Kenan Thompson.

[Cut to Colin jost. There is a picture of David Holmes and Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: On Thursday, state department official David Holmes testified to overhearing a phone call between Trump and Sondland, to which the president responded, [Cut to Donald Trump’s tweet] “I have been watching people make phone calls my entire life. My hearing is, and has been, great. Never have I been able to hear or understand a conversation.” [Cut to Colin Jost] Well, I definitely believe you have never understood a conversation. That actually explains—everything. But I’m not sure you have great hearing based on every press conference I have even seen you do.

[Cut to several video clips of Donald Trump speaking in press conference.]

Donald Trump: I can’t hear you. [Cut to another clip] I can’t hear you, John. [Cut to another clip] You’re gonna have to speak a little louder. [Cut to another clip] Speak up! [Cut to another clip] I can’t hear your question. [Cut to another clip] I think you’re gonna have to speak up. [Cut to another clip] You have to speak up, I can’t hear you.

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: [With hand gestures] I said your hearing is great. Trump also tweeted that he’s strongly considering testifying before congress in the impeachment inquiry and, oh, my god, I wish he would. Can you imagine if both Trump and Giuliani testified on live TV? The ratings would be insane. It would be like the super bowl. But with worst brain damage.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of Michael Bloomberg at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Former New York city mayor Michael Bloomberg spoke at predominantly black church in Brooklyn, where he apologized for this ‘Stop and Frisk” policy. And as a black man from New York I’ll say, apology noted. Not accepted. Just noted. Because as much as I hate to be racially profiled, I got to admit, “Stop and Frisk” did give me a good excuse for being late to work a lot. It also helped me find a lot of weed, I thought I lost.

[Cut to Colin Jost laughing]

Weekend Update Colin Kaepernick Works Out, World’s Largest Starbucks

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Colin Kaepernick at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Colin Kaepernick held a private workout today to show that he can still play in NFL. But if he can’t, he’ll have to settle for playing with the New York Giants.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Italy map at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Italy will become the first country in the world to make it mandatory for schools to teach children about climate change. Because, as Italian scientists put it, “The earth is about to become one spicy meat-a-ball.”

[The picture changes to Starbucks logo]

The largest Starbucks in the world opened Friday in Chicago. The news was first reported in Hobo bathroom quarterly.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Sesame Street at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Sesame street has turned 50 years old which explains why big bird got Botox. You’ll like this one. [The picture changes to China’s map] During the Chinese shopping holiday known as singles day which celebrates people who are single, shoppers spent $1 billion in the first 60 seconds. Coincidentally blowing a big wad in the first 60 seconds is why many of them are single in the first place.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of sea beach and drugs at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Beaches in the South Western France have been shut down after mysterious bricks of cocaine keep washing up on shore. Prompting questions like, “Shich beaches and where exactly?”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of news article at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A man in Iowa who went to a medical clinic for a circumcision and instead given a vasectomy was awarded $2 million, plus tip.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of new infinity pool of London at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The world’s first infinity pool with a 360 degree pool has opened in London on the top of a Skyscraper. Perfect for anyone who wants to fall to their death playing Marco-polo.

Weekend Update Impeachment Hearing Testimony

[Starts with “Weekend Update” intro]

Announcer: It’s “Weekend Update” with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[Cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to “Weekend Update”. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Marie Yoganovitch at left top corner.]

Former US ambassador Marie Yoganovitch testified yesterday at the impeachment hearing, and you know she made Trump nervous because he tweeted this during her testimony—[Cut to Donald Trump’s tweet] “Everywhere Marie Yovanovitch went turned bad. She started off in Somalia. How did that go?”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Well, as long as we’re talking about track records, Trump started off in Atlantic city. [Picture changes to an article “Trump Taj Mahan files for bankrupcy”.] How did that go?

[Picture changes to Fox News logo]

Even Fox News saw that attacking Yovanovitch was a bad move.

[Cut to Fox News debate]

Female Speaker: Should the president be tweeting at her mid-hearing? No. It makes him look like a big dumb baby.

[Cut to Colin Jost.]

Colin Jost: That’s what they’re saying on his favorite channel. That’s like if your kid turned on Nickelodeon and Dora was like, “Hey, you’ll never learn to read, fatty.”

Republicans like Jim Jordan, [Picture changes to Jim Jordan] who is still getting the hang of smiling, tried to discredit the impeachment investigation unrelated conspiracy theories including [Picture changes to Devin Nunes] Devin Nunes’ claim that democrats are only seeking nude photos of Trump which I wish was true. Because it would be so fun to see those pictures leak and then hear Trump describe his body as perfect. [Picture changes to Donald Trump’s tweet saying “My body is perfect!”] Trust me, no one is looking for naked pictures of Donald Trump. I googled “Donald Trump nudes”, and google said, “You take your nasty ass to Bing.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of impeachment hearing at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Wow, you said it, Colin. That impeachment hearing was crazy. I was watching it at home like we were supposed to and I was like, “What?” I didn’t watch it, per say, but I got the just of it just now when you was talking about it. Can I be honest? I don’t think I care [Picture changes to Donald Trump] if Donald Trump is actually guilty. I just want something happen to him. Hypothetically if you found out for a fact that Trump was actually innocent but they were sending him to jail anyway, would you mind? See, I wouldn’t mind. Is that fair?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Rudy Giuliani at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Rudolph Giuliani is reportedly even telling people that he’s launching podcast but the people he’s been telling just stand there quietly in the department store. [The picture changes to Rudy Giuliani talking to the store mannequins]

[Picture changes to Donald Trump]

Lawyers for president Trump have filed an appeal to the supreme court to keep his tax returns secret. So, you know they’re bad. This is like if your girlfriend asked to see your texts and you just threw your phone in the ocean.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Roger Stone at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Yesterday, Roger Stone was found guilty of multiple federal crimes. I don’t know if you remember but this guy once put on an ad on the internet looking for muscular, well hung black men. So, jackpot.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Sean Spicer dancing on a stage at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: And sad news this week. Sean Spicer was eliminated from “Dancing with the stars.” I know. It’s hard, yeah. President Trump tweeted his support for Spicer saying, “A great try by Sean. We’re all proud of you!” But Sean, if you’re watching, no, we’re not.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Steven Miller at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Steven Miller has been accused of promoting white nationalism in a series of 900 emails he sent to Breitbart. Isn’t it funny that it’s always guys who look like this that are promoting white supremacy? He looks like he dresses up as his mother to commit knife murders. I feel like if you’re going to be white supremacist, you should look like Colin, [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their set] at least, right?

Colin Jost: What?

Michael Che: I mean if I was trying to prove the superiority of the Arian race, I wouldn’t use Steven Miller’s face, I would use yours.

Colin Jost: You don’t have to make that point.

Michael Che: Don! Do a screen split of Colin and Steven Miller.

[Cut to split screen of Colin Jost live and a picture of Steven Miller.]

Colin Jost: Oh, you don’t have to do that. That’s not–

Michael Che: Audience, by round of applause. Who do you think Hitler would want to be friends with? [Colin Jost is laughing] Steven Miller or Colin Jost?

Colin Jost: Can you just stop it?

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their set]

Michael Che: Just take the compliment, bro. You’re beautiful.

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Well, thank you.

Weekend Update Scooter Rineholdt

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set.]

Michael Che: This week it was announced that Dean Foods, America’s largest diary milk producer is filing for bankruptcy. Here to comment is Dean Food’s president of milk distribution, Scooter Rineholdt.

[Scooter Rineholdt joins Michael Che.]

Scooter Rineholdt: Hey! Got an ice cold cow’s milk for you. That’s a good stuff right there.

Michael Che: No thanks. I’m good.

Scooter Rineholdt: So, they got you, too, huh Che? There is nothing wrong with drinking cow’s milk, okay? [Cut to Scooter Rineholdt] I don’t know where these rumors came from. “Dairy is bad for you.” “Cows don’t like it when you touch their boobies.” It’s just not true, Che!