Tag: Michael Che

Weekend Update Sen. Elizabeth Warren Fundraises for Her 2020 Campaign

Elizabeth Warren … Kate McKinnon

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost on his set]

Colin Jost: Senator Elizabeth Warren has raised over $24 million in the past three months. Here to comment is senator Elizabeth Warren.

[Elizabeth Warren slides in]

[Cheers and applause]

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren and Colin Jost]

Elizabeth Warren: Hello Colin.

Colin Jost: Hi, senator. Firm handshake. So you raised all of this money without any corporate donations, is that right? That’s right. That’s grass roots. And guess what, mama loves to garden. [Cut to Elizabeth Warren] That’s why everyday I spend for hours taking selfies with every Warby Parker customers in America. And then I unwind by calling all my small donors to personally thank them.

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Oh, right, yes. I assume you do that on Instagram.

Elizabeth Warren: Yes, I’m calling people like Janet in St. Louis [Cut to Elizabeth Warren] who sent me a $2 check and a bogo coupon from Duane Reade. [Cut to Elizabeth Warren and Colin Jost] Mind if I give her a call now?

Colin Jost: It’s not the best time.

Elizabeth Warren: Right, right. Janet, hi, it’s Elizabeth Warren. [Cut to Elizabeth Warren] I wanted to thank you– Oh, it’s bad time? For the middle class? Okay, bye. [Cut to Elizabeth Warren and Colin Jost] That’s Janet. Oh, do you mind if I do a thousand more?

Colin Jost: A thousand? No, we don’t have time for a thousand, I’m sorry. I just wanted to know, that there’s been some big money donors for democrats who said they would rather vote for Trump than you.

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren]

Elizabeth Warren: You’re kidding me. What? The billionaires don’t like me? Oh, no! Look, I’m going to tell them the same thing my grandson told me when he took me to ‘Avengers infinity war’. This ain’t for you. That’s why you don’t like it. But then again, taking big checks from wall street worked great for the last lady running for president. Let me just skip Wisconsin and change my name to email Benghazi while I’m at it.

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Who’s up there?

Elizabeth Warren: My friend.

Colin Jost: You’ve also been in the news because a fringe conspiracy theorist accused of you having a bdsm relationship with a 24 year old Marine.

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren]

Elizabeth Warren: That’s Elizabeth Warren’s vibes for sure. Transactional sex with a younger man. Look, rumors have power when they feel true. What has ever felt less true than a single part of that? If you think I’m in a room with a veteran and I don’t immediately thank him for his service and make sure he’s getting his VA benefits, you’re insane. Also, 24? Any man younger than me by one day is my grandson. But part of that is true. I am into bdsm. Bank-destroying and saving medicare. Woo! So okay, I want to say thank you to all of my donors like Beth in Orlando who sent me this hastily needle pointed pillow that says, “Nevertheless she persists” or Linda in Des Moines who sent me this scary doll of myself. Finally, I’m going to call a young gentleman named Michael in New York.

[phone ringing]

[Cut to Michael Che]

Michael Che: Hello?

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren, Colin Jost and Michael Che]

Elizabeth Warren: Mike, it’s Elizabeth Warren. Thanks for the ten g’s.

Michael Che: No problem.

Colin Jost: Wait, you donated ten grand to Elizabeth Warren?

[Cut to Michael Che]

Michael Che: Yes, I like that she had sex with that marine.

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Elizabeth Warren everyone.

Weekend Update R. Kelly Held without Bail

Michael Che

Colin Jost

[Starts with Michael Che in his set. There’s a picture of a dog and dog food at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A number of companies have started offering plant based dog food options, perfect for anyone who wants to pick up liquid dukie with a plastic bag.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of R Kelly at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Lawyers for R. Kelly, who is being held without bail, are complaining that the singer is only allowed to visit with one of his girlfriends at a time. Worse, visiting hours conflict with their schedule of their middle school.

[The picture changes to a glass of red wine.]

A new study suggests that fathers to be should stop drinking alcohol six months before trying to conceive a child. The study’s goal was to end Ireland.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of a news article at left top corner that says ‘Man Hit in Testicle’.]

Michael Che: A Manhattan attorney has filed a $100,000 lawsuit against a batting cage company after a faulty machinefired a 75mph fastball into his left testicle. I guess, ball one.

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: A new study found cats bond with people like dogs do but they’re too aloof to show it. Which is why I named my cat ‘Dad’.

[Picture changes to a news article with a title ‘Man Can’t Find Car After a Week’.]

A man who drove his car to a music festival still cannot remember where he parked his car a week after the show. We hope you make it back soon, [Picture changes to Pete Davidson] Pete.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of a pet horse at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Residents on Staten Island are upset with a local man who keeps a pet horse in his yard saying the animal smells and attracts flies. You know what else smells and attracts flies? Staten Island.

[Picture changes to a news article ‘Billboard Displays Porn.]

Two people in Michigan accessed the computer billboard along a highway and changed a display to show a pornographic movie. As a result, police say there were a record number of Carjacking.

Weekend Update Chen Biao on US-China Trade War

Chen Biao … Bowen Yang

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set]

Michael Che: Next week China is set to visit the White House and discuss this ongoing trade war. Here to comment is Chinese trade representative, Chen Biao.

[Chen Biao slides in]

Chen Biao: [Speaking in Chinese language]

[Cut to Chen Biao and Michael Che]

Michael Che: I’m sorry, Mr. Biao. Thanks for being here. But sorry, do you speak English?

Chen Biao: Yes, fluently. And that’s what’s called the power move. What’s up Che?

Michael Che: All right. So, as the Chinese trade representative, this must be a stressful time for you, right?

Chen Biao: I mean, [Cut to Chen Biao] you guys increased taxes on our imports, we increase taxes on yours. Meanwhile, I’m in the middle of it all and you know, I hate the attention. JK, I’m balling out right now because I’m the top tariff task master.

[Cut to Chen Biao and Michael Che]

Michael Che: I got to say, this was not the attitude I was expecting from a top Chinese government official.

[Cut to Chen Biao]

Chen Biao: Yes, well I’m running tarrifs. So, this is my time. I’m having my moment. I’m basically the Lizzo of China right now. And turns out I’m 100% that trade daddy. Everyone is texting me on WeChat like, “Oh my god, I’ve loved you since the jump.” And I just leave them unread because booked on blood.

[Cut to Chen Biao and Michael Che]

Michael Che: All right, China can’t keep this going forever.

Chen Biao: Oh, yeah? You need us more than we need you because [Cut to Chen Biao] we can survive without your movie starring the rock. But good luck without iPhones. How can you text us in the middle of the night like, “You up? Can you investigate Joe Biden for me?” Stupid!

[Cut to Chen Biao and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Americans are afraid the trade war might cause a recession. I mean ,is there any fear like that in China?

[Cut to Chen Biao]

Chen Biao: No way, fam. In fact, we’ve just raised our tariff on American soy beans, so save some of your Tempeh for us, Mackenzie.

[Cut to Chen Biao and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Who is Mackenzie?

Chen Biao: I don’t know. Probably some sophomore at Vassar who drinks out of a metal straw and it’s such a performance.

Michael Che: All right, US tariffs on China are going up 30%.

Chen Biao: 30%. Who cares? [Cut to Chen Biao] I get 30% when my waiter has beefy traps. Look, this trade war is tit for tat, baby. And in China we got some tiggle bitties. I’m talking back pay.

[Cut to Chen Biao and Michael Che]

Michael Che: So, are you planning on being in this mode at the White House next week?

Chen Biao: Oh, tots! And look, Don Don, [Cut to Chen Biao] you want to play ball with big red? We actually built our wall. And you can see that from space. We measure time in seasons but you measure it in seasons of ‘Gray Anatomy’. So, step through this, and I will step back in my limited edition lunar new year Air Jordans.

[Cut to Chen Biao and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Chen Biao, everybody.

Chen Biao: I actually liked Hobbs and Shaw a lot. I liked it.

Weekend Update Disney World’s Vegan Menu – SNL

Michael Che

Colin Jost

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Disney World at the top right corner.]

Michael Che: Disney announced that it’s theme parks will start selling vegan food options. Finally, something at Disney where there won’t be a line.

[Picture changes to a news article that says ‘Passenger opens exit for fresh air’]

A flight in China was delayed after a passenger opened an emergency exit door because she wanted a breath of fresh air. Which was clearly a lie because we all know China doesn’t have fresh air.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of Placido Domingo at top left corner.]

Colin Jost: The New York metropolitan opera announced that singer Flacido Domingo has stepped down after accusations of sexual misconduct. He will be replaced by his far left sexually aggressive understudy [Picture changes of Flacido Domingo with angry expression] Flaccido Domingo.

[The picture changes to The national toy hall of fame.]

The national toy hall of fame has announced it’s 12 finalists for this year’s class including care bears, jenga, my little pony and longshot nominee [Picture changes to a kid with a burning match stick.] matches.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of a news article that says ‘Woman trapped by camel’ with a picture of camel.]

Michael Che: A woman in Louisiana who became trapped under a camel freed herself by biting the animal’s testicles. The idea came to her after she wasted four hours licking them.

[The picture changes to a symbol of white supremacists]

A civil rights group has added 36 new symbols to it’s data base of symbols used by white supremacists, including the OK hand gesture, a moon wearing sunglasses and of course this photo. [Picture changes to Colin Jost]

[Cut to Colin Jost confused. There is a picture of JUUL at top left corner.]

Colin Jost: E-cigarette maker Juul’s CEO has stepped down amid new concerns over the safety of vaping. Through keep in mind the CEO of Juul is just a can of 4 Loco with a sex addiction.

Michael Che: Whoa.

[Picture changes to an airport]

Colin Jost: A new airport has opened in China that has the world’s largest terminal and can handle 72 million passengers a year. Not to be outdone, officials at Newark just slid a coaster under a corner to keep the airport from wobbling.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che]

For ‘Weekend Update” I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Good night.

Weekend Update Democrats Launch Impeachment Inquiry Against Trump – SNL

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set]

Colin Jost: Good evening.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of a news article that says ‘Impeachment inquiry launched for pressuring Ukraine’ at left top corner.]

Well—easy. This week President Trump was accused of shady mafia-style shakedown of the Ukraine. But luckily Trump’s lawyer was able to smooth it over with professionalism and class.

[Cut to a video clip of live news where lawyers are shouting at each other.]
Colin Jost: By the way, it looks like the world’s angriest game of guess who. [Picture changes to Donald Trump] And now democrats are moving toward impeaching Trump, which should feel like a huge historic moment but with Trump even impeachment just feels silly. You know, like the movie “Nixon” was a serious film directed by Oliver Stone. The movie about Trump is going to be from the dudes who brought you “American Pie”. And by the way, the one thing we haven’t heard from the White House all week about this is a denial. Trump just keeps saying that all the information is bad because it’s all secondhand. It’s like if the cops asked if you murdered someone and instead saying, “No, I didn’t”, you said, “Who told you that, Ron?”

[Cut to Michael Che.]

Michael Che: Alright. Maybe I just don’t understand politics well because when they said Trump is getting impeached, I immediately thought Great, Trump’s fired, let’s get drunk. But they’re like, “No, he’s just being impeached but he ain’t exactly peached yet. It’s still going take another year or so.” And I’m like, “Damn, that sucks, let’s get drunk.” I mean, the president is only a four-year job but it feels like it’s taking them five years to just fire his add. It’s frustrating. You know, I bet somebody explained how long impeachment takes to John Wilkes booth and he was like, “Okay, well, where is he at right now?”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of Donald Trump and Adam Schiff at left top corner]

Colin Jost: Trump also attacked CNN for saying he spelled the world little wrong. Look at this insanity. [Cut to a tweet from Donald Trump] I used the world liddle’, not liddle in describing corrupt congressman Liddle’ Adam Schiff. Low ratings CNN purposely took the hyphen out and said I spelled the word ‘little’ wrong.” [Cut to Colin Jost] First of all, it’s an apostrophe, not a hyphen. I’m sorry to be a grammar Nazi. I know you hate one of those things. Then president Adderall attacked Joe Biden, saying that if Joe Biden was a republican he’d be getting the electric chair. Though in fairness both Trump and Biden are going to be in electric chairs [Cut to Joe Biden and Donald Trump on an electric scooter] pretty soon.

Weekend Update Trump’s Iran Conflict Confusion | Season 44 Episode 21

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Narrator: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. What’s wrong with you? Hey, stop it. Good evening, everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin. There is a picture of newspaper titles on left top corner that says ‘Roe V. Wate in jeopardy’]

Well, this season of SNL started in 2018, but it looks like it’s going to end up somewhere back in the 1970s.

[Picture changes to Donald Trump

Amid rising tensions with Iran there were rumors that the White house is now going to send 120 thousand more troops to the middle east but don’t worry, President Trump set the record straight with this firm and reassuring message.

[Cut to a video clip of Donald Trump.]

Media: Mr. President are we going to war with Iran?

Donald Trump: Hope not.

[Cut to Colin]

Colin Jost: You know it’s up to you, right man? You don’t have to pass off every decision to [Picture changes to John Bolton] John Bolton, the Islamophobic Lorax. And now Lawmakers for both sides of the aisle are demanding more information on what exactly the Iran threat even is. So far the only evidence the administration has provided is this [Picture of Will Smith as genie from the movie Aladdin] disturbing image.

[Cut to Michael. There is a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: China retaliated to president Trump’s tariffs by imposing their own tariffs on products the US sells to China. Wiat, what the hell do we sell to China besides Marvel movies and credit card debt? I’ve never been to China but I have been to Chinatown. And one thing I can tell you is that anything we have, they can just make for themselves. All they got to do is change one letter and sell a billion Abble watches.

[Cut to Colin. There is pictures of Jared Kushnr and Stephen Miller at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Jared Kushner and Stephen Miller who both have resting evil face, have spent months together working on the Trump administration’s new immigration plan. What I would not give to be a fly on that wall, watching all the other flies swarm around their master. [Picture changes to moon and a logo of NASA] And in a plan backed by the Trump administration, NASA has announced it will send the first woman to the moon by 2024. Unfortunately it’s against her will. [Picture changes to Hillary Clinton] It’s a plan they’re referring to as ‘Launch Her Up’.

[cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of Alyssa Milano at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Actress Alyssa Milano has called on women to go on a sex strike to protest restrictive new abortion laws. Look, I support that, but I just don’t think the republican senators are getting Alyssa Milano level sex at home. I bet if their wives said, “I’m on sex strike”, they would be like, “Cool, I’ll be at the airport men’s room, don’t wait up for me.”

Weekend Update Leslie Jones on Alabama’s Abortion Ban | Season 44 Episode 21

Colin Jost

Leslie Jones

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set.]

Colin Jost: This week Alabama passed a near total ban on abortion. And what many say is part of larger effort to overturn Roe V. Wade, here to comment is our own Leslie Jones.

[Jeslie Jones joins Colin]

Leslie Jones: Yes!

Colin Jost: Are you in a ‘Handmaid’s Tale’ outfit?

Leslie Jones: Well, basically we are all handmaids now, so my name is actually Of-Jost. But I don’t know how good [Cut to Leslie] of a baby maker I’m going to be because my eggs as dusty as hell. but I’d give it a shot.

[Cut to Leslie and Colin]

Colin Jost: I don’t think Leslie. I don’t think the society is quite there yet.

Leslie Jones: No? [Leslie opens her outer. She is wearing a shirt that says ‘Mine’ and has a arrow pointing down.] You would think that, right? You would really think that, but this is how it starts. I’m not living my life when I see on the news a bunch of states are trying to ban abortion, and then tell me what I can and can’t do with my body. Next thing you know, I’m in Starbucks, and they won’t take my credit card because I’m a woman instead of the regular reason, which is why I don’t have no money on it. And what made me really mad was seeing the 25 Alabama senators who voted for the abortion ban. Throw that picture up.

[Cut to pictures of 25 Alabama senators who voted for abortion ban.]

Look at them. All men.

[Cut to Leslie. the picture is not at left top corner.]

This looks like the casting call for a Lipitor commercial. This looks like the mug shots of everyone arrested at a massage parlor. And if any of them had lips, I would tell them to kiss my entire ass. You can’t control women. You can’t control women. Because I don’t know if you heard, but women are the same as humans. And I’m Leslie Dracarys Jones. I mean, why do all these weird ass men care about what women choose to do with their bodies anyway? I don’t care what you do with your 65-year-old droopy ass balls. And how is Alabama’s woman governor going along with this? What? Me? I’m rebellious from the top. When people tell me “Good morning”, I say, “No, it’s not! You don’t know my morning. Don’t take away my choice to have a bad morning.” Because when women have a choice, women have freedom.

[Cheers and applause]

[Cut to Leslie and Colin]

Colin Jost: Right. You tell ‘em, Leslie.

[Leslie stares at Colin]

Leslie Jones: Shut up! You flat white privilege latte.

[Cut to Leslie]

Look, the fact that nine states are doing this means this really is a war on women. And if you’re a woman out there and you feel scared or confused, just know that you’re not alone. There are so many women out there that got your back. Especially me. Leslie Dracarys Bad Bitch Jones. You can’t tell me what to do with my body. You can’t make me small or put me in a box. I’m 6 feet tall and 233 pounds. Ain’t no box big enough to hold me. And I know because one time I tried to mail myself to a dude.

[Cut to Leslie and Colin]

Colin Jost: Leslie Jones, everyone. I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Good night.

Weekend Update Colin Jost and Michael Che Switch Jokes | Season 44 Episode 21

Michael Che

Colin Jost

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There is a picture of an island at right top corner.]

Michael Che: It was reported that more than 400 million pieces of plastic has washed up on a remote island in the Indian ocean. For reference, here is what 40,000 million pieces of plastic look like. [The picture changes to ‘The Kardashians’] Comedian Chris Rock [Picture changes to Chris Rock with Saw logo.] is teaming up with Lionsgate on a reboot of the movie  ‘Saw’, which I am assuming will be called ‘Seent’.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Boston city at left top corner.]

[Colin is laughing]

That’s a fun joke.Colin Jost: Well, a new survey ranks the Boston accent as one of the sexiest accents in America. But keep in mind, the survey was conducted by [Picture changes to front page of a magazine] catastrophic hearing loss magazine. [Picture changes to cartoon clip of Arthur.] Conservatives are upset over a new episode of the PBS children’s cartoon Arthur in which Arthur’s teacher is revealed to be gay. Meanwhile no one seems to care that [The picture changes to Pepa Pig] Pepa Pig’s head is a full-on penis.

[Cut to Colin and Michael]

[Michael is laughing]

Well, tonight is the last show of the season, and Che and I have decided that our end of the year gifts to each other would be jokes.

Michael Che: Yeah. So we’re making each other read jokes live on air that the other person has never seen before.

Colin Jost: Yeah. And the idea, Michael, isn’t to try to sabotage each other. It’s to just give over here fun jokes.

Michael Che: Uh-huh, why don’t you go first?

Colin Jost: Okay.

[Cut to Colin. there is a picture of an article that says ‘White Lightning Sets Record’.]

A student in Texas who is nicknamed ‘White Lightning’ set a high school record by running the hundred-meter dash in 9.98 seconds. Coincidentally, people call me white lightning because I also finish in under 10 seconds.

[Cheers and applause]

[Cut to Michael. There’s a picture of a god at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Doctors in Iowa have confirmed a dog disease that can be passed to humans. Fine, I’ll wear a condom.

[Cut to Colin. There’s a picture of a chimpanzee at left top corner.]

Oh, wow. Okay.

Colin Jost: A new report finds that as people move into formerly wild areas of Africa, human activity is disrupting chimpanzee culture. Incidentally, chimpanzee culture is also what my grandpa calls hip-hop. Why?

[Cut to Michael. There is a picture of Pope Francis at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Whoa. [Michael is shaking his head.] I wouldn’t have said that. Pope Francis ended a Vatican summit by promising the catholic church would confront the clergy sex abuse head-on, instead of their usual way, face down, ass up. What?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of Martin Luther King Jr. with a tag ‘Teacher Forced To Resign’ at left top corner.]

[Colin sees the picture of Martin Luther King Jr.]

Colin Jost: Oh, come on.

Michael Che: Oh, no, I think this will be good.

Colin Jost: Yeah, I’m sure. A substitute teacher in North Carolina has resigned after she reportedly told a class of elementary students that Martin Luther King Jr. Killed himself. In her defense, he is the one who decided to keep running his mouth. Why!

[Cut to Colin and Michael. Michael is laughing.]

You’re going to get me murdered.

Weekend Update: Mother’s Day – SNL | Season 44 Episode 20

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of a calendar with May 12 marked at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: This Sunday is mother’s day. A holiday that Georgia is trying to make [The picture changes to an article that says ‘Georgia passes six-week ban.] mandatory.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of Jeff Bezos and his blue moon ship at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Jeff Bezos introduced a new Lunar Lander which he plans to use to send people to the moon by 2024. So to answer your question, no, he isn’t handling the divorce well. [The picture changes to baby names] A new report from the social security administration shows that in 2018 the most popular baby names were Emma and Liam, as in “No, we will not be vaccinating Emma and Liam.”

[Cut to Colin. There is a picture of an airport at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: A new poll has listed the worst airport in the US as Newark airport. Yeah. That’s right. Yeah. You should be very proud. The worst was Newark airport which came in just below [Picture changes to a drowning airplane] the Hudson river.

[Picture changes to the Facebook logo]

Facebook has introduced a new feature allowing people to connect with someone they have a secret crush on. To learn more, watch a future episode of “Dateline” called ‘The Facebook Murders.”

[Cut to Michael. There is a picture of Costco at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Police in Wisconsin are searching for a man who stole 24 bottles of Hennessey from a local costo. And no need to Google it. He’s black. [Colin coughs while laughing. Michael looks at Colin.] Laughing a little too hard over there.

[The picture changes to a picture of a news article that says ‘Pornstar has sex in self driving car’.]

A video has been posted of a porn star and her boyfriend having sex in a Tesla while it was driving in autopilot. And amazingly, no one was rear-ended.

[Cut to Colin. There is a picture of New Jersey flag at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: New Jersey’s governor has ordered liberty state part to remove a Mississippi state flag because it features a confederate symbol. And to better reflect New Jersey’s values they’re replacing it with a flag of Tony Soprano Curb-Stomping the Philly Phanatic.

[Cut to Michael. There is a picture of ‘I eat ass’ sticker at the back of the truck at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Shortly after a Florida man was arrested for having an “I eat ass” Sticker on his truck prosecutors have dropped all charges against him. And I think I know how he got out of it.

Weekend Update: Trump Lost Over $1 Billion – SNL | Season 44 Episode 20

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[Cut to Colin and Michael in their news set]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin. There is a picture of an article that says ‘Trump tax figures show over $1 billion in business loss’ at left side.]

Well, guys, it turns out that Donald Trump may not be the financial genius that no one ever really thought he was. According to tax documents from 1985 to 1994, Donald Trump appears to have lost “More money than any other American taxpayer”. Now, I love that during that period when he was losing a billion dollars he had the audacity to write a book [The picture changes to Donald Trump’s book ‘ The art of the deal’] about how great he was at business. It’s like if right now R. Kelly wrote a book on baby-sitting.

[The picture changes to Donald trump]

But somehow there are still Trump supporters who are trying to spin this as a good thing. Look at this clip from Fox and Friends.

[Cut to a video clip of Fox News]

Speaker 3: If anything, you read this and you’re like, “Wow, it’s pretty impressive all the things that he’s done in his life.” It’s beyond what most of us could ever achieve.

[Cut to Colin]

Colin Jost: Come on, Blonde lady. Even you don’t believe that. I mean, you said the last part into your hand. It would be like if I said, “Oh, Donald Trump, he’s such a hard-working president.”

[Cut to Michael. There is a picture of Trump airlines at right top corner.]

Michael Che: President Trump’s tax documents also show that his airline, which I didn’t know anything about, launched in 1989 and lost $7 million a month until it shut down in 1992. And just to give you an idea of how bad his airline was, it lasted 33 years less than spirit.

[Cut to Colin. There is a picture of Mitch McConnell at top left corner.]

Colin Jost: Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell, who always looks he’s watching a man slowly drown, he said that the Mueller investigation is over and that democrats should shop endlessly re-litigating the 2016 election. Then he went back to trying to repeal Obamacare for literally the 55th time. Because McConnell always does [Colin covers his mouth with his palm] what’s best for the country.

[The picture changes to Donald Trump JR.]

The republican-led senate intelligence committee has subpoenaed Donald Trump Jr. to testify about his meeting with Russian officials. And so that he didn’t feel left out, [The picture changes to Eric and detective Pikachu.] Eric got a subpoena from detective Pikachu.

[Cut to Michael. There is a picture of Donald Trump and China’s country outline at right top corner]

Michael Che: President Trump escalated his trade war with China on Friday. And as a proud father of over 500 pairs of sneakers this really worries me. China makes everything I need to survive. Shoes, hoodies, fake Louis Vuitton, beef and broccoli. Rush hour. Even when I see a tag on something that says made in America, that tag was probably made in China.

[Cut to Colin. There is a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: President Trump held a rally in the Florida Panhandle this week and it was exactly what you’re imagining.

[Cut to video clip of Donald Trump’s speech]

Who’s coming the United States? So these countries put people in a basket like little—who is it? Who is it? Big strong rivers, it’s snake country. You’ve got to like snakes a lot. Young man buttigieg. Boot-edge-edge. They say edge-edge. So, always keep your eyes open. Be careful. And let law enforcement know when you see a Kook.

[Cut to Colin. He is on his phone.]

Hello, Kook squad?

[Colin puts his phone down]

I know that speech didn’t sound very eloquent, but for the Florida Panhandle it was basically Gettysburg address. And if you think that’s harsh about the Panhandle, just listen to this fun exchange about migrants at the border.

[Cut to a clip of Dona’d Trump’s speech]

But how do you stop these people? You can’t. [Someone in the crowd screams “Shoot them”.] There’s not—that’s only in the Panhandle you can get away with that statement.

[Cut to Colin]

Trump’s just like I love you guys in the Panhandle. Y’all murderous snake freaks.

[The picture changes to Melania Trump]

This week marked the first anniversary of Melania Trump’s be best anti-bullying campaign. And if you don’t think it’s going well, you’re a fat idiot who has no friends.

[Cut to Michael. There is a picture of White House honoring ceremony at right top corner.]

Michael Che: President Trump welcomed the Boston Rex Sox to the White House in honor of their world series win. However, most of the team’s black players skipped the ceremony in protest. Said trump, “Perfect.”

[Cut to Colin. There is a picture of Cory Booker and a LinkedIn logo at left top corner.] Cory Booker will attend a fund-raiser hosted by the founder of LinkedIn, making Booker the first person to actually accept an invitation [The picture changes to email spam from LinkedIn] from LinkedIn.