Tag: Weekend Update

Weekend Update Catholic Church Debates Celibacy Requirement for Priests

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of college athletes at left top corner]

Colin Jost: California has passed a new law that will allow college athletes to earn money from the use of their name and likeness. This is great news for top California college athletes like Aunt Becky’s daughter. [Laughter]

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of a TV channel on right top corner.]

Michael Che: The owner of the Jacksonville Jaguars announced that he will be a majority investor in a new 24-hour news network aimed at African-American viewers. Unfortunately they’ve named it CNN-World. You’re laughing a little too hard there, buddy. The senate is criticized for failing to enact a proposed ban of realistic sex dolls that looks like children. Unfortunately while researching this story I googled realistic sex dolls that look like that on my work computer and now I’ve got to go away for a while.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of a satellite at right top corner]

Colin Jost: Astronauts on the international space session successfully created meat using a 3D printer. And after eating, they created a fourth-D, diarrhea.

[The picture changes to a news article and a picture of an alligator]

A Florida man arrested after catching an alligator and tried to get it drunk. Worse, the man calls himself crocodile cause B.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of chicken nuggets on right top corner.]

Michael Che: A British woman was vegan called the police on her friends after she claimed they tricked her into eating chicken nuggets by saying they were plant based. She knew she’d been tricked when the nuggets tasted good.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of gathering of bishops at right top corner]

Colin Jost: As a gathering of bishops, pope Francis suggested the Vatican may consider dropping Celibacy requirements for some priests. Then he rushed back to the mic adding, “With adult women”.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of a pink bicycle on right top corner.]

Michael Che: Florida police arrested the woman who was riding her bike with a glass pipe hidden in her buttocks. They were able to catch up to her after she turned on to a very bumpy road.

 

Weekend Update Bailey Gismert on Fall 2019 Movies

Bailey Kizmer… Heidi Gardner

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set]

Michael Che: Fall movies have brought both box office hits and Oscar buzz. Here to talk about the hottest films hitting theaters this season is teen movie critic and star of her very own youtube channel, Bailey at the movies, please welcome Bailey Kizmer.

[Bailey Kizmer slides in]

[Cheers and applause]

Bailey Kizmer: What’s up?

Michael Che: Well, hi, Bailey. It’s very nice to see you.

Bailey Kizmer: Hmm. So official. Reporting for duty, Mr. Che.

Michael Che: Okay, Bailey. How was your summer? Let’s start there.

Bailey Kizmer: Oh, well. I got thrown into the pool by everyone of my guy friends. I mean, I guess it’s because I’m like, light? I don’t know.

Michael Che: All right, Bailey, so what movies have you seen recently?

[Cut to Bailey Kizmer]

Bailey Kizmer: Okay. So, I saw “IT Chapter Two”. And I don’t know, like, ooh. Awkward! It was like, Pennywise was so keep hanging out with the same kids? You’re a dusty ass clown. Awkward!

[Cut to Michael Che and Bailey Kizmer]

Michael Che: I getthat. Well, did you see anything else?

Bailey Kizmer: So, I saw – I saw “Judy”. [Cut to Bailey Kizmer] It’s like awkward. The singing was thirsty. It’s like—I’m in jazz choir too. But I didn’t make a whole jazz choir movie about it.

[Cut to Michael Che and Bailey Kizmer]

Michael Che: All right. Did you see “Joker”? Lots of people talking about “Joker”.

Bailey Kizmer: I mean, I looked at it. So, I guess I saw it and yeah, it was like psycho but it’s nothing I can’t handle.

Michael Che: What? Bailey? Do you like the Joker?

[Cut to Bailey Kizmer]

Bailey Kizmer: Okay. His name is Arthur, and I don’t like him. I just like think I could help him. And yeah, Arthur and I have a lot in common. We’re silly. We’re fit. We have good looks.

[Cut to Michael Che and Bailey Kizmer]

Michael Che: Bailey you just admitted you like the Joker.

[Cut to Bailey Kizmer]

Bailey Kizmer: Michael, I know you know him, because you’re both trying to do comedy or whatever.

[Cut to Michael Che and Bailey Kizmer]

If you tell him that I like him, like, he could kill me.

Michael Che: Hey, Bailey, I did not mean to make you mad.

Bailey Kizmer: Not—[Cut to Bailey Kizmer] I’m not mad. Okay? I just—Oh! It’s just like the beginning of the year, and like, all my hot older guy friends went off to college and like, I know, like, Leslie’s gone and she was like your wife, but that’s –

[Cut to Michael Che and Bailey Kizmer] that’s one person. I’m just like slammed. Okay? [Cut to Bailey Kizmer] With the debate and ping-pong and next week I have to tie like 1,000 ribbons.

[Cut to Michael Che and Bailey Kizmer]

Michael Che: Why do you have to tie ribbons?

Bailey Kizmer: To end hurricanes, Michael!

Michael Che: I think you’re gong to have a great year.

Bailey Kizmer: What are you, like my dad now? Meantime, like and subscribe below. And follow my other channel where I try nasty foods from other countries.

Michael Che: Bailey Kizmer, everybody.

Bailey Kizmer: The Joker director was right. The comedy was too woke.

Weekend Update Disney World’s Vegan Menu – SNL

Michael Che

Colin Jost

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Disney World at the top right corner.]

Michael Che: Disney announced that it’s theme parks will start selling vegan food options. Finally, something at Disney where there won’t be a line.

[Picture changes to a news article that says ‘Passenger opens exit for fresh air’]

A flight in China was delayed after a passenger opened an emergency exit door because she wanted a breath of fresh air. Which was clearly a lie because we all know China doesn’t have fresh air.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of Placido Domingo at top left corner.]

Colin Jost: The New York metropolitan opera announced that singer Flacido Domingo has stepped down after accusations of sexual misconduct. He will be replaced by his far left sexually aggressive understudy [Picture changes of Flacido Domingo with angry expression] Flaccido Domingo.

[The picture changes to The national toy hall of fame.]

The national toy hall of fame has announced it’s 12 finalists for this year’s class including care bears, jenga, my little pony and longshot nominee [Picture changes to a kid with a burning match stick.] matches.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of a news article that says ‘Woman trapped by camel’ with a picture of camel.]

Michael Che: A woman in Louisiana who became trapped under a camel freed herself by biting the animal’s testicles. The idea came to her after she wasted four hours licking them.

[The picture changes to a symbol of white supremacists]

A civil rights group has added 36 new symbols to it’s data base of symbols used by white supremacists, including the OK hand gesture, a moon wearing sunglasses and of course this photo. [Picture changes to Colin Jost]

[Cut to Colin Jost confused. There is a picture of JUUL at top left corner.]

Colin Jost: E-cigarette maker Juul’s CEO has stepped down amid new concerns over the safety of vaping. Through keep in mind the CEO of Juul is just a can of 4 Loco with a sex addiction.

Michael Che: Whoa.

[Picture changes to an airport]

Colin Jost: A new airport has opened in China that has the world’s largest terminal and can handle 72 million passengers a year. Not to be outdone, officials at Newark just slid a coaster under a corner to keep the airport from wobbling.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che]

For ‘Weekend Update” I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Good night.

Weekend Update Democrats Launch Impeachment Inquiry Against Trump – SNL

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set]

Colin Jost: Good evening.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of a news article that says ‘Impeachment inquiry launched for pressuring Ukraine’ at left top corner.]

Well—easy. This week President Trump was accused of shady mafia-style shakedown of the Ukraine. But luckily Trump’s lawyer was able to smooth it over with professionalism and class.

[Cut to a video clip of live news where lawyers are shouting at each other.]
Colin Jost: By the way, it looks like the world’s angriest game of guess who. [Picture changes to Donald Trump] And now democrats are moving toward impeaching Trump, which should feel like a huge historic moment but with Trump even impeachment just feels silly. You know, like the movie “Nixon” was a serious film directed by Oliver Stone. The movie about Trump is going to be from the dudes who brought you “American Pie”. And by the way, the one thing we haven’t heard from the White House all week about this is a denial. Trump just keeps saying that all the information is bad because it’s all secondhand. It’s like if the cops asked if you murdered someone and instead saying, “No, I didn’t”, you said, “Who told you that, Ron?”

[Cut to Michael Che.]

Michael Che: Alright. Maybe I just don’t understand politics well because when they said Trump is getting impeached, I immediately thought Great, Trump’s fired, let’s get drunk. But they’re like, “No, he’s just being impeached but he ain’t exactly peached yet. It’s still going take another year or so.” And I’m like, “Damn, that sucks, let’s get drunk.” I mean, the president is only a four-year job but it feels like it’s taking them five years to just fire his add. It’s frustrating. You know, I bet somebody explained how long impeachment takes to John Wilkes booth and he was like, “Okay, well, where is he at right now?”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of Donald Trump and Adam Schiff at left top corner]

Colin Jost: Trump also attacked CNN for saying he spelled the world little wrong. Look at this insanity. [Cut to a tweet from Donald Trump] I used the world liddle’, not liddle in describing corrupt congressman Liddle’ Adam Schiff. Low ratings CNN purposely took the hyphen out and said I spelled the word ‘little’ wrong.” [Cut to Colin Jost] First of all, it’s an apostrophe, not a hyphen. I’m sorry to be a grammar Nazi. I know you hate one of those things. Then president Adderall attacked Joe Biden, saying that if Joe Biden was a republican he’d be getting the electric chair. Though in fairness both Trump and Biden are going to be in electric chairs [Cut to Joe Biden and Donald Trump on an electric scooter] pretty soon.

Weekend Update: David Ortiz on Getting Shot – SNL

Colin Jost

David Ortiz … Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: This week—this summer former Red Sox slugger David Ortiz got shot in the Dominican Republic but he recovered and he even threw out the first pitch at a Red Sox game. Here to comment big Papi himself, David Ortiz.

[David Ortiz slides in the screen]

David Ortiz: Yo! Feliz Septebre!

Colin Jost: It is so great to see you big Papi. How is your summer?

David Ortiz: It was bad. But you know what they say. [Cut to David Ortiz] Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you want to try to kill who tried to kill you.

[Cut to David Ortiz and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: That must have been a horrible experience.

David Ortiz: Oh, you think bro? I had to go to the hospital in the Dominican Republic. You know what they have in the hospital there?

Colin Jost: What?

[Cut to David Ortiz]

David Ortiz: They got Mofongo. Chicharones. Beef Steaka Con Mas Beef Steak. And in the IV you know what they give you?

[Cut to David Ortiz and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: What, like a saline solution?

David Ortiz: Close. Concreto Frito.

Colin Jost: They have that at the hospital?

David Ortiz: At the Dominical hospital they do.

[Cut to David Ortiz]

That’s why I go to the Boston hospital next. You go what they got at the Boston hospital?

[Cut to David Ortiz and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: hat?
David Ortiz: Medicine.

Colin Jost: Well, I hope you stay safe from now on.

David Ortiz: Me too. That’s why I’m more careful now. When I go out I wear a disguise. I get them all from the same place.

[Cut to David Ortiz]

Hair BNB. You need a wig for the weekend, use Hair BNB. Every wig is made of 100% guinea pig hair. Very itchy.

[Cut to David Ortiz and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: So, you’re still doing commercials?

David Ortiz: Oh, yeah, bro. [Cut to David Ortiz] I’m also trying to have a better diet now. Other so I’m eating the possible burger.

Colin Jost: You mean the impossible burger.

David Ortiz: No, possible burger. Did you buy a bunch of ground beef from the back of a pickup truck? It might not be real meat. But it’s possible.

[Cut to David Ortiz and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I’m glad you’re staying positive about this.

David Ortiz: Oh, Mucho positive Jost. [Cut to David Ortiz] Have a new lease on life. I’ve even been exercising again.

Colin Jost: You’re exercising?

David Ortiz: I’m using the Pelocon.

[Cut to David Ortiz and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: You mean Peloton?

David Ortiz: No, Peloton is a bike. Pelicon is a Pelicon. Pelican. [Cut to David Ortiz] It’s just a big Pelican that attack you when you’re not expecting it. I already lost 15 pounds and three fingers. And you never see the Pelican coming, because he use Hair BNB.

[Cut to David Ortiz and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Big Papi, I’m just really happy that you’re back and that you’re healthy enough to be shooting a commercial.

David Ortiz: Hey, who’s shooting?

Colin Jost: Big Papi, everyone.

David Ortiz: Merry Christmas, everybody. Yo, yo, Mofongo.

Weekend Update Trump’s Iran Conflict Confusion | Season 44 Episode 21

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Narrator: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. What’s wrong with you? Hey, stop it. Good evening, everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin. There is a picture of newspaper titles on left top corner that says ‘Roe V. Wate in jeopardy’]

Well, this season of SNL started in 2018, but it looks like it’s going to end up somewhere back in the 1970s.

[Picture changes to Donald Trump

Amid rising tensions with Iran there were rumors that the White house is now going to send 120 thousand more troops to the middle east but don’t worry, President Trump set the record straight with this firm and reassuring message.

[Cut to a video clip of Donald Trump.]

Media: Mr. President are we going to war with Iran?

Donald Trump: Hope not.

[Cut to Colin]

Colin Jost: You know it’s up to you, right man? You don’t have to pass off every decision to [Picture changes to John Bolton] John Bolton, the Islamophobic Lorax. And now Lawmakers for both sides of the aisle are demanding more information on what exactly the Iran threat even is. So far the only evidence the administration has provided is this [Picture of Will Smith as genie from the movie Aladdin] disturbing image.

[Cut to Michael. There is a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: China retaliated to president Trump’s tariffs by imposing their own tariffs on products the US sells to China. Wiat, what the hell do we sell to China besides Marvel movies and credit card debt? I’ve never been to China but I have been to Chinatown. And one thing I can tell you is that anything we have, they can just make for themselves. All they got to do is change one letter and sell a billion Abble watches.

[Cut to Colin. There is pictures of Jared Kushnr and Stephen Miller at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Jared Kushner and Stephen Miller who both have resting evil face, have spent months together working on the Trump administration’s new immigration plan. What I would not give to be a fly on that wall, watching all the other flies swarm around their master. [Picture changes to moon and a logo of NASA] And in a plan backed by the Trump administration, NASA has announced it will send the first woman to the moon by 2024. Unfortunately it’s against her will. [Picture changes to Hillary Clinton] It’s a plan they’re referring to as ‘Launch Her Up’.

[cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of Alyssa Milano at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Actress Alyssa Milano has called on women to go on a sex strike to protest restrictive new abortion laws. Look, I support that, but I just don’t think the republican senators are getting Alyssa Milano level sex at home. I bet if their wives said, “I’m on sex strike”, they would be like, “Cool, I’ll be at the airport men’s room, don’t wait up for me.”

Weekend Update Leslie Jones on Alabama’s Abortion Ban | Season 44 Episode 21

Colin Jost

Leslie Jones

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set.]

Colin Jost: This week Alabama passed a near total ban on abortion. And what many say is part of larger effort to overturn Roe V. Wade, here to comment is our own Leslie Jones.

[Jeslie Jones joins Colin]

Leslie Jones: Yes!

Colin Jost: Are you in a ‘Handmaid’s Tale’ outfit?

Leslie Jones: Well, basically we are all handmaids now, so my name is actually Of-Jost. But I don’t know how good [Cut to Leslie] of a baby maker I’m going to be because my eggs as dusty as hell. but I’d give it a shot.

[Cut to Leslie and Colin]

Colin Jost: I don’t think Leslie. I don’t think the society is quite there yet.

Leslie Jones: No? [Leslie opens her outer. She is wearing a shirt that says ‘Mine’ and has a arrow pointing down.] You would think that, right? You would really think that, but this is how it starts. I’m not living my life when I see on the news a bunch of states are trying to ban abortion, and then tell me what I can and can’t do with my body. Next thing you know, I’m in Starbucks, and they won’t take my credit card because I’m a woman instead of the regular reason, which is why I don’t have no money on it. And what made me really mad was seeing the 25 Alabama senators who voted for the abortion ban. Throw that picture up.

[Cut to pictures of 25 Alabama senators who voted for abortion ban.]

Look at them. All men.

[Cut to Leslie. the picture is not at left top corner.]

This looks like the casting call for a Lipitor commercial. This looks like the mug shots of everyone arrested at a massage parlor. And if any of them had lips, I would tell them to kiss my entire ass. You can’t control women. You can’t control women. Because I don’t know if you heard, but women are the same as humans. And I’m Leslie Dracarys Jones. I mean, why do all these weird ass men care about what women choose to do with their bodies anyway? I don’t care what you do with your 65-year-old droopy ass balls. And how is Alabama’s woman governor going along with this? What? Me? I’m rebellious from the top. When people tell me “Good morning”, I say, “No, it’s not! You don’t know my morning. Don’t take away my choice to have a bad morning.” Because when women have a choice, women have freedom.

[Cheers and applause]

[Cut to Leslie and Colin]

Colin Jost: Right. You tell ‘em, Leslie.

[Leslie stares at Colin]

Leslie Jones: Shut up! You flat white privilege latte.

[Cut to Leslie]

Look, the fact that nine states are doing this means this really is a war on women. And if you’re a woman out there and you feel scared or confused, just know that you’re not alone. There are so many women out there that got your back. Especially me. Leslie Dracarys Bad Bitch Jones. You can’t tell me what to do with my body. You can’t make me small or put me in a box. I’m 6 feet tall and 233 pounds. Ain’t no box big enough to hold me. And I know because one time I tried to mail myself to a dude.

[Cut to Leslie and Colin]

Colin Jost: Leslie Jones, everyone. I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Good night.

Weekend Update Jeanine Pirro on Her Fox News Suspension | Season 44 Episode 21

Colin Jost

Jeanine Pirro… Cecily Strong

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set]

Colin Jost: Fox News host Jeanine Pirro has lost up to 20% of her advertisers since making controversial comments about a Muslim congresswoman. Here to comment is Jeanine Pirro.

[Cut to Jeaning Pirro]

Jeanine Pirro: Hello, I’m judge Jeanine Pirro, and I just want to thank the brave sponsors who stuck with me despite the accusations by the radical Looney left.  To companies like Jeep I say thank you. And to Mitsubishi I say, Domo Arigato, Cobra Kai. Sorry Daniel-San, so wax off.

[Jeanine is showing kung-fu stances]

[Cut to Jeanine and Colin]

Colin Jost: I just want to tell you. You don’t have to be so loud, I can hear you.

Jeanine Pirro: Oh, no can do, bud.

[Cut to Jeanine]

20 years ago I yelled at a waiter because my cobb salad had a cranberry in it. And now I’m locked at this volume every day for the rest of my life.

[Cut to Jeaning and Colin]

Colin Jost: Well, It’s rumored that Fox has only kept you on the air because Donald Trump personally called the network on your behalf.

[Cut to Jeanine]

Jeanine Pirro: Yes, that is because Donald Trump is a class act. He is the Michael Jordan of presidents and the Wesley Snipes of Taxes. He’s a win in the boardroom. And sometimes wizzes a little in bedroom.

[Cut to Jeanine and Colin]
Colin Jost: Judge Jeanine, I hate to ask this, but have you been drinking?

Jeanine Pirro: Colin, please! [Cut to Jeanine] I haven’t been drinking. [Jeaning takes out her Bloody Mary glass] I currently am drinking. I vow to enjoy a drink every time President Trump ignores a congressional subpoena. And let me tell, mama is a lizard.

[Cut to Jeanine and Colin]

Colin Jost: All right, well, despite Trump’s stonewalling, it’s likely Robert Mueller will testify before congress.

[Jeanine spits all the Bloody Mary over Colin’s face]

Jeanine Pirro: What? Colin, look. That’s a terrible idea. The report is done. Senor Mueller has spoken and he said no Hablo collusion man.

Colin Jost: Well, I’m going to let you finish this next sip before I say this.

Jeanine Pirro: Okay.

Colin Jost: Okay. The democrats could make him testify if they start impeachment proceedings.

[Jeanine throws the Bloody Mary off the glass on Colin’s face]

Jeanine Pirro: What? Colin Jessica Jost, impeachment would be crazy. Okay? That is the last resort of the Loopy Loco left who hate this president and his stick mac daddy energy.

Colin Jost: What the hell are you talking about? I don’t think that’s the case because– and I’m glad that your drink is gone–

Jeanine Pirro: It’s Bloody Mary.

[Cut to Jeanine, Colin and Michael.]

Colin Jost: I’m glad your drink is gone.

[Michael gives Jeanine another glass of Bloody Mary]

Michael Che: I got an extra one.

Colin Jost: No! No! Why would you do that?

[Cut to Jeanine and Colin.]

Why would you do that?

Jeanine Pirro: Thank you, thank you, Kenan. Wonderful. What a nice guy. Funny, too.

Colin Jost: So, I’m just going to ask this now. So, by ignoring the subpoenas, and I’m just going to hold your arm for this part, [Colin hold’s Jeanine’s hand] by ignoring the subpoenas, Trump might actually give democrats more reason to impeach.

[Jeanine throws the bloody Mary off the glass on her other hand on Colin’s face.]

Jeanine Pirro: What! No! No! Colin!

Colin Jost: I’m so wet. Jeanine Pirro, everyone.

Weekend Update Colin Jost and Michael Che Switch Jokes | Season 44 Episode 21

Michael Che

Colin Jost

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There is a picture of an island at right top corner.]

Michael Che: It was reported that more than 400 million pieces of plastic has washed up on a remote island in the Indian ocean. For reference, here is what 40,000 million pieces of plastic look like. [The picture changes to ‘The Kardashians’] Comedian Chris Rock [Picture changes to Chris Rock with Saw logo.] is teaming up with Lionsgate on a reboot of the movie  ‘Saw’, which I am assuming will be called ‘Seent’.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Boston city at left top corner.]

[Colin is laughing]

That’s a fun joke.Colin Jost: Well, a new survey ranks the Boston accent as one of the sexiest accents in America. But keep in mind, the survey was conducted by [Picture changes to front page of a magazine] catastrophic hearing loss magazine. [Picture changes to cartoon clip of Arthur.] Conservatives are upset over a new episode of the PBS children’s cartoon Arthur in which Arthur’s teacher is revealed to be gay. Meanwhile no one seems to care that [The picture changes to Pepa Pig] Pepa Pig’s head is a full-on penis.

[Cut to Colin and Michael]

[Michael is laughing]

Well, tonight is the last show of the season, and Che and I have decided that our end of the year gifts to each other would be jokes.

Michael Che: Yeah. So we’re making each other read jokes live on air that the other person has never seen before.

Colin Jost: Yeah. And the idea, Michael, isn’t to try to sabotage each other. It’s to just give over here fun jokes.

Michael Che: Uh-huh, why don’t you go first?

Colin Jost: Okay.

[Cut to Colin. there is a picture of an article that says ‘White Lightning Sets Record’.]

A student in Texas who is nicknamed ‘White Lightning’ set a high school record by running the hundred-meter dash in 9.98 seconds. Coincidentally, people call me white lightning because I also finish in under 10 seconds.

[Cheers and applause]

[Cut to Michael. There’s a picture of a god at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Doctors in Iowa have confirmed a dog disease that can be passed to humans. Fine, I’ll wear a condom.

[Cut to Colin. There’s a picture of a chimpanzee at left top corner.]

Oh, wow. Okay.

Colin Jost: A new report finds that as people move into formerly wild areas of Africa, human activity is disrupting chimpanzee culture. Incidentally, chimpanzee culture is also what my grandpa calls hip-hop. Why?

[Cut to Michael. There is a picture of Pope Francis at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Whoa. [Michael is shaking his head.] I wouldn’t have said that. Pope Francis ended a Vatican summit by promising the catholic church would confront the clergy sex abuse head-on, instead of their usual way, face down, ass up. What?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of Martin Luther King Jr. with a tag ‘Teacher Forced To Resign’ at left top corner.]

[Colin sees the picture of Martin Luther King Jr.]

Colin Jost: Oh, come on.

Michael Che: Oh, no, I think this will be good.

Colin Jost: Yeah, I’m sure. A substitute teacher in North Carolina has resigned after she reportedly told a class of elementary students that Martin Luther King Jr. Killed himself. In her defense, he is the one who decided to keep running his mouth. Why!

[Cut to Colin and Michael. Michael is laughing.]

You’re going to get me murdered.

Weekend Update: Mother’s Day – SNL | Season 44 Episode 20

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of a calendar with May 12 marked at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: This Sunday is mother’s day. A holiday that Georgia is trying to make [The picture changes to an article that says ‘Georgia passes six-week ban.] mandatory.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of Jeff Bezos and his blue moon ship at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Jeff Bezos introduced a new Lunar Lander which he plans to use to send people to the moon by 2024. So to answer your question, no, he isn’t handling the divorce well. [The picture changes to baby names] A new report from the social security administration shows that in 2018 the most popular baby names were Emma and Liam, as in “No, we will not be vaccinating Emma and Liam.”

[Cut to Colin. There is a picture of an airport at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: A new poll has listed the worst airport in the US as Newark airport. Yeah. That’s right. Yeah. You should be very proud. The worst was Newark airport which came in just below [Picture changes to a drowning airplane] the Hudson river.

[Picture changes to the Facebook logo]

Facebook has introduced a new feature allowing people to connect with someone they have a secret crush on. To learn more, watch a future episode of “Dateline” called ‘The Facebook Murders.”

[Cut to Michael. There is a picture of Costco at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Police in Wisconsin are searching for a man who stole 24 bottles of Hennessey from a local costo. And no need to Google it. He’s black. [Colin coughs while laughing. Michael looks at Colin.] Laughing a little too hard over there.

[The picture changes to a picture of a news article that says ‘Pornstar has sex in self driving car’.]

A video has been posted of a porn star and her boyfriend having sex in a Tesla while it was driving in autopilot. And amazingly, no one was rear-ended.

[Cut to Colin. There is a picture of New Jersey flag at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: New Jersey’s governor has ordered liberty state part to remove a Mississippi state flag because it features a confederate symbol. And to better reflect New Jersey’s values they’re replacing it with a flag of Tony Soprano Curb-Stomping the Philly Phanatic.

[Cut to Michael. There is a picture of ‘I eat ass’ sticker at the back of the truck at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Shortly after a Florida man was arrested for having an “I eat ass” Sticker on his truck prosecutors have dropped all charges against him. And I think I know how he got out of it.