Category:

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: 2011-2012

Starring:

Fred Armisen

Abby Elliott

Bill Hader

Seth Meyers

Bobby Moynihan

Nasim Pedrad

Andy Samberg

Jason Sudeikis

Kenan Thompson

Kristen Wiig

Featuring:

Vanessa Bayer

Paul Brittain (until 01/14/12)

Taran Killam

Kate McKinnon (starting 04/07/12)

Jay Pharoah

Writers:

James Anderson

Jessica Conrad

Jim Downey

Shelly Gossman

Steve Higgins

Zach Kanin

Chris Kelly

Erik Kenward

Rob Klein

Seth Meyers

Lorne Michaels

John Mulaney

Christine Nangle

Michael Patrick O’Brien

Paula Pell

Marika Sawyer

Sarah Schneider

Pete Schultz

John Solomon

Kent Sublette

Episodes

09/24/11: Alec Baldwin / Radiohead

10/01/11: Melissa McCarthy / Lady Antebellum

10/08/11: Ben Stiller / Foster the People

10/15/11: Anna Faris / Drake

11/05/11: Charlie Day / Maroon 5

11/12/11: Emma Stone / Coldplay

11/19/11: Jason Segel / Florence + The Machine

12/03/11: Steve Buscemi / The Black Keys

12/10/11: Katy Perry / Robyn

12/17/11: Jimmy Fallon / Michael Bublé

01/07/12: Charles Barkley / Kelly Clarkson

01/14/12: Daniel Radcliffe / Lana Del Rey

02/04/12: Channing Tatum / Bon Iver

02/11/12: Zooey Deschanel / Karmin

02/18/12: Maya Rudolph / Sleigh Bells

03/03/12: Lindsay Lohan / Jack White

03/10/12: Jonah Hill / The Shins

04/07/12: Sofia Vergara / One Direction

04/14/12: Josh Brolin / Gotye

05/05/12: Eli Manning / Rihanna

05/12/12: Will Ferrell / Usher

05/19/12: Mick Jagger

Summary

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 22

11v: Mick Jagger

An SNL Digital Short

…..Andy Samberg
…..Chris Parnell

[ SUPER: “An SNL Digital Short” ]

[ open on scenes of New York City ]

[ SUPER: “Chris Parnell” ]

[ SUPER: “Andy Samberg” ]

[ SUPER: “Lazy Sunday 2” ]

[ cut to Andy Samberg jumping out of bed ]

Andy Samberg:
“Lazy Sunday
Slept right through my alarm!
Activate Siri and say
‘Call Parn!'”

[ cut to Chris Parnell working out at the gym ]

Chris Parnell:
“Who dis?”

Andy Samberg:
“It’s me, man!”

Chris Parnell:
“Yo, Samberg, kick facts!”

Andy Samberg:
“Tonight is the night!”

Chris Parnell:
“Broadway!”

Andy Samberg & Chris Parnell:
“Sister Act!”

Andy Samberg:
“The show’s not ’til later!”

Chris Parnell:
“Let’s merc some brunch!”

Andy Samberg:
“I know a cute French place!”

Chris Parnell:
“Meet me outside — Crunch!”

[ cut to Andy and Chris meeting on a city street ]

Chris Parnell:
“My core is ripped
That workout was trill!”

Andy Samberg:
“Man, I can almost taste
those mimosas for real!”

Chris Parnell:
“They’re makin’ changes at three
We’d better start jammin’!”

Andy Samberg:
“I love that brunch
more than McAdams loves Channing!”

[ image of Rachel McAdams and Channing Tatum appears ]

[ jump-cuts to Andy and Chris jumping off steps ]

Chris Parnell:
“Dub step!”

[ more jump-cuts of Andy and Chris jumping off steps ]

[ cut to Andy and Chris at brunch ]

Chris Parnell:
“2:59!”

Andy Samberg:
“Made it on a technicality!”

Chris Parnell:
“Eggs benedict!”

Andy Samberg:
“No yolk!”

Andy Samberg & Chris Parnell:
“Less calories!”

Chris Parnell:
“The plating is cray
I detect sage butter!”

Andy Samberg:
“How you wanna pay, Chris?”

Andy Samberg & Chris Parnell:
“Go Dutch, motherfucker!!”

[ cut to Andy and Chris roaming the streets ]

Andy Samberg:
“Go to Sister Act!”

Chris Parnell:
“Like a pistol whack!”

Andy Samberg & Chris Parnell:
“Buck wild in the streets
Off a sixer pack!”

[ they hold up a six-pack of Tab ]

Andy Samberg & Chris Parnell:
“We go to Sister Act
Like we got racks on racks!
‘Cause once you buy ‘em
You can’t give your tickets back!”

Andy Samberg: Yo, hold up, hold up! Hey, yo, Chris — we’re gonna have to hit ‘em with some new mish for 2012, my dude! So why don’t you drop it on ‘em — like right now?

[ the rap styling shifts ]

Chris Parnell:
“Allow me to reintroduce myself
My name is Parns
P to A-arns
Stupid bargains
up at all the Pottery Barns!”

Andy Samberg:
“Young Sandwich and I came to catch reck
Still waitin’ on a fucking YouTube check
Don’t mess with Magnolia ’cause the line’s too long!”

Chris Parnell:
“Plus it bumps with my clip!”

Andy Samberg:
“Now back to the song!”

[ return to the older rap style ]

Chris Parnell:
“Yo, peep the marquee!”

Andy Samberg:
“They some funny ass nuns!”

Chris Parnell:
“We got 99 problems!

Andy Samberg & Chris Parnell:
“But this sitch ain’t one!”

Chris Parnell:
“Sneak in the flask
Filled with sweet Vermouth!”

Andy Samberg:
“We take more shots in the theater!”

Andy Samberg & Chris Parnell:
“Than John Wilkes Booth!!”

Chris Parnell:
“Flip up binocs!”

Andy Samberg:
“‘Cause we’re cultural mavens!”

Chris Parnell:
“Like dem and we scream out:”

Andy Samberg & Chris Parnell:
“That’s so Raven!!”

[ cut to Andy and Chris roaming the streets ]

Andy Samberg:
“Go to Sister Act!”

Chris Parnell:
“Like a pistol whack!”

Andy Samberg:
“All up in the theater!”

Andy Samberg & Chris Parnell:
“Like aristocrats!”

Chris Parnell:
“We gonna Sister Act!”

Andy Samberg:
“Like we got racks on racks!”

Chris Parnell:
“‘Cause once you buy ’em!”

Andy Samberg & Chris Parnell:
“You can’t give your tickets back!”

Andy Samberg:
“On these New York streets
I honed my fake rap penmanship!”

Chris Parnell:
“That’s how it began!”

Andy Samberg:
“And that’s how I’m a finish it!”

[ Andy’s hand covers the camera lens, as a gunshot fires ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 22

11v: Mick Jagger

She’s a Rainbow / Goodnights

…..Mick Jagger
…..Kristen Wiig
…..Arcade Fire
…..Jay Pharoah
…..Taran Killam
…..Bobby Moynihan
…..Nasim Pedrad
…..Kate McKinnon
…..Vanessa Bayer
…..Abby Elliott
…..Bill Hader
…..Kenan Thompson
…..Seth Meyers
…..Fred Armisen
…..Jason Sudeikis
…..Andy Samberg
…..Lorne Michaels

[ open on exterior, high school building ]

[ dissolve to interior, Home Base stage made to look like mock auditorium setting during Graduation ]

Mick Jagger: Well, another year has come and gone, and I just want to say how proud I am of this graduating class!

[ the cast, dressed in caps and gowns, cheer themselves on ]

Mick Jagger: Many of you are moving on to college, but I’d like to take a moment to say goodbye to one particular student who is leaving this summer — to become a nun. Kristen! [ Bobby Moynihan stands ] No, sorry — the other Kristen. Could you come up here, please?

[ looking somewhat surprised, Kristen Wiig stands and approaches Jagger, as the audience goes nuts ]

Mick Jagger: You’ve meant quite a lot to us, over this past seven years. [ whispering to the audience ] She got held back! [ to Kristen ] So our Music Department got together, and prepared a song to say goodbye. This one’s… for you

[ Arcade Fire and Andy Samberg begin to play “She’s a Rainbow”, as Kristen removes her cap and pulls off her gown to reveal a short white dress and begins to dance and twirl with Jagger ]

[ Jay Pharoah comes forward to dance with Kristen ]

[ Taran Killam comes forward to dance with Kristen ]

[ Bobby Moynihan comes forward to dance with Kristen ]

Arcade Fire: [ singing ]
“She comes in colors everywhere;
She combs her hair
She’s like a rainbow
Coming colors in the air
Oh, everywhere
She comes in colors.”

[ Nasim Pedrad, Kate McKinnon, Vanessa Bayer and Abby Elliott collectively come forward to surround Kristen and collectively kiss her on both cheeks ]

Arcade Fire: [ singing ]
“Have you seen her all in gold
Like a queen in days of old
She shoots colors all around
Like a sunset going down
Have you seen the lady fairer?”

[ Bill Hader steps forward to dance with Kristen ]

[ Kenan Thompson comes forward to twirl Kristen around and hug her ]

Arcade Fire: [ singing ]
“She comes in colors everywhere;
She combs her hair
She’s like a rainbow
Coming colors in the air
Oh, everywhere
She comes in colors.”

[ Seth Meyers comes forward to dance comically with Kristen ]

[ Fred Armisen comes forward to dance in a circle with Kristen ]

[ Jason Sudeikis somberly steps forward to dance slowly with Kristen, as she rubs his back before he silently joins the rest of the cast ]

[ Andy Samberg comes forward, picks Kristen up and swings her around playfully, as she tries to keep the bottom of her skirt from riding up ]

Arcade Fire: [ singing ]
“She’s like a rainbow
Coming colors in the air
Oh, everywhere
She comes in colors.”

[ finally, even the Old Man, Lorne Michaels, steps forward to dance cheek-to-cheek with Kristen, then disappear offstage ]

Everyone: [ singing ]
“Goodbye, Ruby Tuesday
Who could hang a name on you?
When you change with every new day
Still I’m gonna miss you!”

[ by this time, the stage presence grows with the likes of Steve Martin, Chris Kattan, Amy Poehler, Rachel Dratch, Chris Parnell, Will Forte, Jon Hamm, Foo Fighters and Jeff Beck ]

Everyone: [ singing ]
“Goodbye, Ruby Tuesday
Who could hang a name on you?
When you change with every new day
Still I’m gonna miss you!”

Mick Jagger: Thank you! Arcade Fire, Foo Fighters, Jeff Beck, Steve Martin, Jon Hamm. Have a great summer, everybody!

Everyone: [ singing ]
“Goodbye, Ruby Tuesday
Who could hang a name on you?
When you change with every new day
Still I’m gonna miss you!

Goodbye, Ruby Tuesday
Who could hang a name on you?
When you change with every new day
Still I’m gonna miss you!

Goodbye, Ruby Tuesday
Who could hang a name on you?
When you change with every new day
Still I’m gonna miss you!

Goodbye, Ruby Tuesday
Who could hang a name on you?
When you change with every new day
Still I’m gonna miss you.

Goodbye, Ruby Tuesday
Who could hang a name on you?
When you change with every new day
Still I’m gonna miss you…”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 22

11v: Mick Jagger

Mick Jagger and Jeff Beck perform “Tea Party”

…..Mick Jagger
…..Jeff Beck

Mick Jagger: My roots are in Blues music. I love the Blues because, in any era, the Blues talk about what’s on people’s minds. So here’s some Blues that I wrote about the presidential election. And here’s a man who can really play the Blues like nobody else — Jeff! Beck!

[ dissolve to Jeff Beck wailing on his electric guitar, as Jagger comes forward and playfull hogs the stage ]

Mick Jagger: [ singing ]
“If you want to sleep in the West Wing
Yeah, you got to strategize a bit.
Yeah, you want to sleep in the West Wing
You want to keep that private bowling alley
You got to strategize a bit.
Yeah, you’re gonna have to raise about a hundred million dollars
Or you’re gonna end up so deep down in the shit!

Yeah!
Mr. Romney, you know, he’s a mensch
But he always plays it straight up there.
Yeah!
Mr. Romney, he’s a hard workin’ man!
And he always says his prayers.
Yeah, but there’s one little thing about him
Don’t ever let him cut your hair!”

[ instrument break ]

Mick Jagger: [ singing ]
“Who’ll be the president come November?
Well, it’s anybody’s guess.
That’s right!
Who’ll be sitting in the Oval Office?
Who can say?
I must confess.I betcha, betcha six months, he’ll be screaming
“Won’t you let me outta this mess?!”

Jeff Beck!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 22

11v: Mick Jagger

Mick Jagger with Foo Fighters performs “19th Nervous Breakdown” and “It’s Only Rock ‘n Roll”

…..Mick Jagger
…..Foo Fighters

Jason Sudeikis: Ladies and gentlemen — Mick Jagger and Foo Fighters.

Mick Jagger: [ singing ]
“You’re the kind of person you meet at certain dismal, dull affairs
Center of a crowd, talking much too loud, running up and down the stairs
Well, it seems to me that you have seen too much in too few years
And though you’ve tried, you just can’t hide, your eyes are edged with tears.

You better stop, look around
Here it comes! Here it comes! Here it comes! Here it comes!Here comes your nineteenth nervous breakdown!

When you were a child, you were treated kind, but you were never brought up right
And you were always spoiled with a thousand toys, but still you cried all night
Your mother who neglected you owes a million dollars tax
And your father’s still perfecting ways of making sealant wax.

You better stop, look around
Here it comes! Here it comes! Here it comes! Here it comes!
Here comes your nineteenth nervous breakdown!
Ohhhh, who’s to blame?
That girl’s just insane
Well, nothing I do don’t seem to work
It only seems to make the matters worse!
Oh, plea-ea-ea-ease!”

Now!

“If I could dig down deep in my heart
Feelings would flood on the page
Would it satisfy ya? Would it slide on by ya?
Would it help to ease your pain? Ease your pain?

If I could win ya, if I could sing ya
A love song so divine
Would it be enough for your cheating heart
If I broke down and cried? Would I cry?
And I said I know it’s only rock ‘n roll but I like it!
I know it’s only rock ‘n roll but I like it, like it, yes I do!
Oh, well, I like it… I like it… I like it.

I said can’t you see that this old boy has been lonely?
And if I could stick that knife in my heart
Suicide right on the stage
Would it help to ease your pain? Ease your pain?
I said I know it’s only rock ‘n roll but I like it!
I know it’s only rock ‘n roll but I like it, like it, yes I do!
Oh, I like it… I like it… I like it.Yeah!

And do ya think that you’re the only girl around?
I bet you think that you’re the only woman in town.

[ instrument break ]

I know it’s only rock ‘n roll but I like it!
I know it’s only rock ‘n roll but I like it, like it, yes I do!
Oh, I like it… I like it… I like it… I like it.”

Dave Grohl & Mick Jagger: [ singing ]
“I know it’s only rock ‘n roll but I like it!
I know it’s only rock ‘n roll but I like it!
I know it’s only rock ‘n roll but I like it!
I know it’s only rock ‘n roll but I like it!
I know it’s only rock ‘n roll but I like it!
I know it’s only rock ‘n roll but I like it!
I know it’s only rock ‘n roll but I like it!
I know it’s only rock ‘n roll but I like it!
I know it’s only rock ‘n roll but I like it, like it, yes I do!”

Mick Jagger: Foo Fighters, everybody! Thank you!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 22

11v: Mick Jagger

Mick Jagger with Arcade Fire performs “The Last Time”

…..Mick Jagger
…..Arcade Fire

[ open on a capella group harmonizing at Home Base ]

A Capella Group: [ singing ]
“This may — this may be the last time
Ohhhhhh, maybe.
This may be the last time
This may be the last time
May be the last time
I don’t knowwwwwwww!”

[ camera pans over to the musical guest stage ]

Mick Jagger: [ singing ]
“Well, I told you once and I told you twice
But ya never listen to my advice
You don’t try very hard to please me
With what you know, it should be easy.

Well, this could be the last time
This could be the last time
Maybe the last time
I don’t know!
Oh no! Oh no!

Well, I’m sorry, girl, but I can’t stay
Feelin’ like I do today
It’s too much pain and too much sorrow
Guess I’ll feel the same tomorrow.

Well, this could be the last time
This could be the last time
Maybe the last time
I don’t know!
Oh no! Oh no!”

[ instrument break ]

“This could be the last time
This could be the last time
Maybe the last time
I don’t know!
Oh no! Oh no!

Well, I told you once and I told you twice
But ya never listen to my advice
But here’s a chance to change your mind
‘Cause I’ll be gone a long, long time.

Well, this could be the last time
This could be the last time
Maybe the last time
I don’t know!
Oh no.

This could be the last time
Well, I don’t know!
This could be the last time
Well, I don’t know!
This could be the last time
Well, I don’t know!
This could be the last time
Well, I don’t know!”

Arcade Fire! Thank you!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 22

11v: Mick Jagger

Mick Jagger’s Monologue

…..Mick Jagger

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Mick Jagger!

Mick Jagger: Thank you! Thank you! Thank you very much! Thank you! THank you! It’s wonderful — it’s wonderful — it’s so wonderful to be here! Hosting “Saturday Night Live”! And you’re about to see me do what I do best — stand still and talk. You know, for a long time I’ve been Mick Jagger. You know? And because of that, I’ve met people from all over the world. And they always ask me the same questions. So tonight, I figured I would use the Monologue to answer all those Mick Jagger Frequently Asked Questions. So let’s begin!

The first one is, I’m always asked: “Hey, Mick… who’s your FAVORITE Rolling Stone?” Well… [ he shrugs and smiles ] I mean, that depends. If I’m allowed to pick myself, then I’d say the favorite is obviously… ME! [ the audience cheers ] But, you know, if I’m not allowed to pick myself, then I’d have to say: ] coyly ] “I don’t believe in playing favorites!”

The next question journalists always ask me, is: “Mick… who’s your favorite new group today?” Well… obviously, I LOVE the Foo Fighters. [ the audience cheers wildly ] And… and I love Arcade Fire. [ the audience cheers wildly ] But you know who really gets me excited these days? It’s the FreeCreditReport.com band. They’re my current favorites, anyway.

I’ve also been asked this question before: “Hey, Mick — When you’re onstage at a concert, you ask the crowd… you always ask the crowd: ‘How you doing tonight?’ And the audience would cheer, and then you’ll say: ‘I can’t hear you!'” And they say, “Is that true? Can you not hear us?” Well… I can hear you. It’s just that I’m not listening.

The next question is: “Mick…” You know, I get this one a lot. They say, “Mick, have you finally got Satisfaction?” Yeah. Bravo, it’s very clever. It’s a trick question, though. ‘Cause if I said “No”, then you’d be, like: “What’s your problem, man? I mean, exactly what more do you need?” And if I say “YES!”, then I can’t sing the song any more.

Anyway, people always ask this one: “Mick, do you have any regrets?” Do you want to hear something? A few years ago, I was approached by a newly-created restaurant chain called Ruby Tuesday’s. They aksed me if I would come along to their grand opening and sing the song “Ruby Tuesday” for a thousand dollars and a lifetime supply of their Jalapeno Poppers. I passed up on that offer! And, you know, not a day goes by that I DON’T REGRET THAT!! [ the audience laughs and cheers wildly ] Thank you! Other than that, though, no regrets at all.

So, are you ready for a great show?! [ the audience cheers wildly ] I CAN’T HEAR YOU!! [ the audience cheers more wildly ] That’s okay! WE’ve got a GREAT show for you tonight! I’m, uh… [ he squints at the cue cards ] Mick Jagger… and… don’t you DARE change the channel!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 22


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:





Cameos:















Bit Players:


May 19th, 2012

Mick Jagger

Mick Jagger

Arcade Fire

Foo Fighters

Jeff Beck

Jon Hamm

Chris Parnell

Steve Martin

Lorne Michaels

Chris Kattan

Amy Poehler

Rachel Dratch

Will Forte

None
The Lawrence Welk ShowSummary:Lawrence Welk (Fred Armisen) welcomes the Spring season with a performance by Johnny Prosciutto (Jon Hamm), musical sisters Shirley (Abby Elliott), Nancy (Nasim Pedrad), Toni (Vanessa Bayer) and tiny-handed Dooneese (Kristen Wiig).

Recurring Characters: Lawrence Welk, Dooneese, Shirley, Nancy, Toni.

Montage

Mick Jagger’s MonologueSummary: Mick Jagger recites the frequently asked questions he receives from fans, and then provides the answer.

Transcript

Secret WordSummary: Mindy Gracin (Kristen Wiig) once again reveals word clues while acting overtheatrical, while closeted Chaz Bragman (Mick Jagger) is very clear about his true sexual orientation.

Recurring Characters: Lyle Round, Mindy Gracin.

KaraokeSummary: At a karaoke bar, uptight insurance man Kevin Miller (Mick Jagger) can’t comprehend his co-workers’ inaccurate performances as Mick Jagger.

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: Andy Samberg and Chris Parnell rap about having mimosas for lunch and going to see “Sister Act” on Broadway, as they enjoy a “Lazy Sunday 2”.

Transcript

Politics NationSummary: Gaffe-prone Al Sharpton (Kenan Thompson) attempts to discuss Wall Street’s effect on the economy by discussing jobs with J.P. Morgan spokesman Colin McKechnie (Mick Jagger), Mayor Mike Bloomberg (Fred Armisen) and a cannery worker (Jason Sudeikis).

Recurring Characters: Al Sharpton, Mike Bloomberg.

Note: This sketch was cut from the Dress Rehearsal of last week’s episode hosted by Will Ferrell.

Mick Jagger with Arcade Fire performs “The Last Time”Lyrics

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: City corresponent Stefon (Bill Hader) lists more inappropriate travel destinations for families planning to visit New York City over the summer.

Recurring Characters: Stefon.

So You Think You Can Dance At An Outdoor Music FestivalSummary: Dave Matthews (Bill Hader) hosts a competition to see who can perform the best dance moves while at an outdoor music festival.

Recurring Characters: Dave Matthews, Carlos Santana, Jewel, Steven Tyler.

Mick Jagger with Foo Fighters performs “19th Nervous Breakdown” and “It’s Only Rock ‘n Roll”Lyrics

The CaliforniansSummary: Stuart (Fred Armisen) and his Californian clan continue to speak in overexaggerated valley accents and provide driving directions within every conservation, as hidden family secrets are revealed.

Recurring Characters: Devon, Corina, Stuart, Trey, Maid.

Mick Jagger and Jeff Beck perform “Tea Party”Lyrics

She’s a Rainbow / GoodnightsSummary: 7-year student Kristen Wiig graduates from SNL’s Class of 2012 and dances with her fellow cast members.

Transcript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

SNL Transcripts