Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 39: 2013-2014
Starring:
Featuring:
Writers:
Episodes
Summary
Saturday Night Live: 2013-2014
Featuring:
Month: October 2018
Featuring:
SNL Transcripts: Andy Samberg: 05/17/14: The Vogelchecks
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 39: Episode 21
13u: Andy Samberg / St. Vincent
The Vogelchecks
Matt…..Taran Killam
Kevin Vogelcheck…..Andy Samberg
Mrs. Vogelcheck…..Kristin Wiig
Mr. Vogelcheck….Fred Armisen
Dwayne Vogelcheck…..Bill Hader
Austin Vogelcheck…..Paul Rudd
Great Grandma Vogelcheck…..Kate McKinnon
Nurse…..Maya Rudolph
[ open as Kevin and Matt enter the Vogelcheck living room ]
Matt: I got to admit, I’m a little nervous meeting my boyfriend’s parents and all.
Kevin Vogelcheck: Oh don’t worry, they’re gonna love you. When you in the Vogelcheck house, you’re family.
Mrs. Vogelcheck: Ken Is that you? Oh great! My little boy’s become a man. My little boy is a man. We were so worried about you because of the weather, wasn’t sure about plane but I can’t believe your here. (kissing)
Mr. Vogelcheck: Oh I know that voice. (applause) Look at you muscle man, huh? Hey are you lifting weights? What’d they do to you, huh, huh, huh. So proud of you so proud of you. So proud of you, so proud of you. And I love you.
Kevin Vogelcheck: Mom, pop this is my boyfriend Matt.
Mrs. Vogelcheck: Matt, we are so proud to have you here.
Mr. Vogelcheck: Matt no need to be shy around us we do not bite. Your mom does though.
Mrs. Vogelcheck: Will you tell your dad to stop teasing me?
Matt: Wow, your parents are really..
Kevin Vogelcheck: Affectionate. Yeah I know.
Mrs. Vogelcheck: Alright come on kids have a seat. We’re just in the middle of watching the NFL Draft.
Dwayne Vogelcheck: Hey is that Tweedle Dum down there?
Kevin Vogelcheck: Big brother Dwayne, always busting my chops.
Dwayne Vogelcheck: Hey I heard the nerd parade was in town but I didn’t know they were coming up our streets.
Mr. Vogelcheck: Duane, come on.
Dwayne Vogelcheck: Hey, I’m just givin em a good time come on. Hey wet willie.
Kevin Vogelcheck: No!
(Dwayne slobbers all over Kevin)
Mr. Vogelcheck: Hey pick on someone your own size. Get over here.
Dwayne Vogelcheck: Hey.
(they all kiss)
Austin Vogelcheck: Oh well well. If it isn’t Jones Master General.
Kevin Vogelcheck: That’s my other brother Austin.
Austin Vogelcheck: Wait a minute, you bozos have been out here all this time and you haven’t said hello to your great grandma Vogelcheck.
Great Grandma Vogelcheck: It is so good to see you all. (kissing)
Mrs. Vogelcheck: Okay everyone be quiet. The NFL Draft is back from commercial.
Austin Vogelcheck: Ooh! ooh! I’m so excited. (he kisses Kevin)
Mr. Vogelcheck: Me too! (je kisses Austin)
Kevin Vogelcheck: Ooh! Turn the volume up.
Announcer: The St. Louis Rams select Michael Sam. We now take you live to his agent’s house where he’s celebrating with his boyfriend.
Mr. Vogelcheck: Wow is he kissing his boyfriend?
Dwayne Vogelcheck: Seems like a lot for TV. (he snuggles in Mrs. Vogelcheck’s breasts)
Austin Vogelcheck: (snuggling Mr. Vogelcheck’s neck) Yeah I mean people are watching this with their families. (he licks his neck)
Matt: Um, excuse me everyone I’m sorry I have to say something. I didn’t speak up when you all made out as a family and I think you’re being a little close minded about a happy couple celebrating on television who just happened to be gay.
Kevin Vogelcheck: Matt!
Mr. Vogelcheck: No, no, no, no. Matt’s right. Sometimes we get so caught up in loving our own family we forget about… loving everyone in the world.
Dwayne Vogelcheck: That’s right.
Mr. Vogelcheck: And that’s important.
Dwayne Vogelcheck: Totally important.
Mr. Vogelcheck: I guess this kinda, I don’t know, makes all a bunch of little, kinda, I don’t know. Vogelchecks. Just don’t let grandma see, okay? She’s a little old fashioned.
Great Grandma Vogelcheck: What is this on TV? Oh God, oh no. Oh, no.
Mrs. Vogelcheck: Oh, no! Grandma’s having a heart attack! Quick! Get her nurse! Get her nurse!
[ Nurse rushes in ]
Nurse: What?! Oh my heavens! Oh, Mrs. Vogelcheck! I can save her! (kisses her, then grabs her breasts) One, two, three, four… I need more air!
Austin Vogelcheck: Take mine!
(they pass mouth-to-mouth to one another until it reaches Grandma)
Great Grandma Vogelcheck: I’m alright!
Matt: Now, now that’s what I call a touch down!
Submitted by: Raul Gonzalez
SNL Transcripts: Andy Samberg: 05/17/14: Legolas from ‘The Hobbit’ Tries to Order at Taco Bell
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 39: Episode 21
13u: Andy Samberg / St. Vincent
Legolas from ‘The Hobbit’ Tries to Order at Taco Bell
Legolas…..Andy Samberg
Employee…..Jay Pharoah
Gimli…..Bobby Moynihan
Announcer: And now, Legolas from The Hobbit tries to order at Taco Bell.
Legolas: I have no memory of this place. Good Day!
Employee: Welcome to Taco Bell. May I take your order, please?
Legolas: A red sun rises. Blood has been spilled this night.
Employee: No man. It’s just sauce over there.
Legolas: I’ll take two beef chalupas.
Employee: Two beef chalupas for this hippie lady.
Legolas: You have my thanks. But I cannot linger. How’s the Cool Ranch Doritos Taco Loco? Is that good? I keep hearing about it.
Gimli: Just save some for me!
Legolas: Gimli, you’ve returned!
Gimli: That’s right old friend. Hi, I’ll have a cheesy chicken burrito as well as, one of everything else on the menu, please. Ha, ha, ha! Funny! I thought I would never dine with an elf.
Legolas: Then how about dining with a friend?
Gimli: Aye! That I can do. Ha ha ha!
Employee: (looking at the camera) White people.
Announcer: This has been Legolas from The Hobbit tries to order at Taco Bell.
Submitted by: Raul Gonzalez
SNL Transcripts: Andy Samberg: 05/17/14: An SNL Digital Short
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 39: Episode 21
13u: Andy Samberg / St. Vincent
An SNL Digital Short
…..Andy Samberg
…..Pharrell Williams
Whore…..Maya Rudolph
[ open as Andy Samberg’s cellphone rings ]
Andy Samberg: Hello?
Girl: Hi! This is Bridget. Should I come over later?
Andy Samberg: I’m sorry, I don’t know a Bridget.
Bridget: Well, that’s not what you said when you hugged me last night.
Andy Samberg: You think we’re an item just because I gave you a hug? Trick! You better think again.
Lonely Island: [ rapping ]
“We are not gentlemen!
Yo! I’ll hug a girl like it don’t mean nothin’
Then turn around and start huggin’ her cousin
I don’t love ’em, end of the fuckin’ discussion
Got ’em tucked between my wings like Thanksgiving stuffing
She wanna hug from behind – I did it
Then her friend jump in; I’m wit’ it
I hug ’em tighter than a tube top;
After that, it’s just a matter of time
Before the other shoe drop.
I get more hugs than Oprah selling drugs
And the drug was pure X – no marriage, no sex.
Just hugs.”
Pharrell Williams: [ singing ]
“Don’t get mad, girl. We get mad girls
And we’re hugging all over the world
So don’t catch feelings, it ain’t love
We’re just the kings of giving out hugs
And if you wanna settle down, you know you got us all wrong
So we move to the next one, no disrespect, hon
But you can’t hug a rolling stone.”
Lonely Island: [ rapping ]
“You can’t hug a rolling stone cause it’ll crush you
Begging me to hug you again? That’s when I shush you
On an airplane, at a Knick game
Feel the same damn thing when I hug them
Which is nothing
Can’t trust them, lose all respect when I hug them
Now guess who’s back in the motherfucking house
With a fat hug for your sweater and your blouse
Hugged so many ladies, arms shaky and shit
Because I’m the Wilt Chamberlain of the upper-body grip.
(HUGS!)
Cause I get more hugs than a batch of puppy pugs
Sitting on a fluffy rug, getting tickled touched and rubbed
(OH SHIT!)
Real talk, like you chatting with a fisherman
Wrap these chicks up like a motherfucking swisher, man!”
Pharrell Williams: [ singing ]
“This ain’t love girl, because this hug world
Is just a big Game of Thrones
We be king of the castle, got arms like a lasso.
But you can’t hug a rolling stone.
I been hugging on your mama
Especially when your daddy’s gone
Wearing his pajamas
I know you thinking that is wrong
I don’t care what son does
I’m concentrating on her back
I just wanna hug your mama in her Subaru hatchback.
Put her in a figure-4, yes I’m a hug gigolo
Now she tells her tupperware friends to let their sisters know…”
Lonely Island:
“…that I give more hugs than Atlas had shrugs
(Rest my head on her shoulder)
While your man mean mugs.”
Pharrell Williams:
“We had fun, girl. But don’t get sprung, girl
Just because I hugged you raw
We can do a group thing, bring Sarah and Susan
And we can have a hug-a-trois.
So quit trying to own my hugs
I gave you these arms on loan
So come give me a hug
The waistline and above
When push comes to shove
You can’t hug a rolling stone.”
Whore: Purex! Purex for sale!
Submitted by: Raul Gonzalez
SNL Transcripts: Andy Samberg: 05/17/14: St. Vincent performs “Birth in Reverse”
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 39: Episode 21
13u: Andy Samberg / St. Vincent
St. Vincent performs “Birth in Reverse”
…..Andy Samberg
…..St. Vincent
Andy Samberg: Once again — St. Vincent.
St. Vincent: [ singing ]
“Oh, what an ordinary day
Take out the garbage, masturbate
I’m still holding for the laugh.
The dogs will bark, so let them bark
The birds will cry, I let them cry
Here’s my report from the edge.
Like a birth in reverse
What I saw through the blinds
You can say that I’m sane
In phenomenal lies
Oh, the cards make you turn
Then he poured in line
It was a birth in reverse in America.
This, too, will haunt me through the war
Laugh all you want, but I want more
‘Cause what I’m swearing I’ve never sworn before.
Like a birth in reverse
What I saw through the blinds
You can say that I’m sane
In phenomenal lies
Oh, the cards make you turn
Then he poured in line
It was a birth in reverse in America.
Like a birth in reverse
What I saw through the blinds
You can say that I’m sane
In phenomenal lies
Oh, the cards make you turn
Then he poured in line
It was a birth in reverse in America.”
[ guitar riff ]
SNL Transcripts: Andy Samberg: 05/17/14: St. Vincent performs “Digital Witness”
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 39: Episode 21
13u: Andy Samberg / St. Vincent
St. Vincent performs “Digital Witness”
…..Andy Samberg
…..St. Vincent
Andy Samberg: Ladies and gentlemen — St. Vincent.
St. Vincent: [ singing ]
“Get back to your seat
Get back, gnashing teeth
Ooh, I want all of your mind.
.People turn the TV on, it looks just like a window — yeah.
People turn the TV on, it looks just like a window — yeah.
Digital witnesses, what’s the point of even sleeping?
If I can’t show it, if you can’t see me
What’s the point of doing anything?
This is no time for confessing — oh!
I want all of your mind.
People turn the TV on, it looks just like a window — yeah.
People turn the TV on, it looks just like a window — yeah.
Digital witnesses, what’s the point of even sleeping?
If I can’t show it, if you can’t see me
Watch me jump right off the London Bridge
This is no time for confessing — oh!
People turn the TV on and throw it out the window — yeah.
Get back to your stare
I care, but I don’t care
Oh, oh!
I — I want all of your mind
Give me all of your mind
I want all of your mind
Give me all of it.
Digital witnesses, what’s the point of even sleeping?
If I can’t show it, if you can’t see me
What’s the point of doing anything?
What’s the point of even sleeping?
So I stopped sleeping, yeah I stopped sleeping
Won’t somebody sell me back to me?”
SNL Transcripts: Andy Samberg: 05/17/14: Andy Samberg’s Monologue
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 39: Episode 21
13u: Andy Samberg / St. Vincent
Andy Samberg’s Monologue
…..Andy Samberg
…..Seth Meyers
…..Bill Hader
…..Martin Short
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Andy Samberg!
Andy Samberg: Thank you! Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you so much! It’s — yes! Thank you! Thank you! It’s SUPER great to be here hosting the season finale of “SNL”! Unbelievable! Uh, before we begin, I should mention Justin Timberlake could NOT be here tonight. He’s touring in Russia. I just want to get that out of the way. But I do understand that he sent a picture to wish me luck.
[ image: Justin Timberlake in Russia, pixellated middle finger with “You’re Gonna Blow It!” sign ]
Andy Samberg: He’s a good friend. Anyways — I myself have had a crazy year. I got married. [ audience cheers ] Yep! And I’m working on a new show — “Brooklyn Nine-Nine” — for which I’ve won TWO Golden Globes. [ the audience cheers wildly ] Yes, I’ve won TWO Golden Globes for it, which brings new meaning to the phrase: “…And twiiiins!” Thank you! I put on a suit to tell that joke! And, of course, before that, I was a cast member here on “SNL”, where I appeared in, uh — [ the audience cheers wildly ] Thank you! Where I appeared in upwards of 100 Digital Shorts and SIX live sketches. So this is gonna go great! But one thing I was less known for was doing impressions. Now, that said, I was poking around online… and was shocked to find that I only did twenty-three fewer impressions than my fellow castmate and impression master Bill Hader. So I thought — since he’s not here to defend himself — why not catch him up all in one shot here tonight? So, here to help me break the record — my good friend, Seth Meyers!
[ Seth Meyers appears and hugs Andy ]
Seth Meyers: How you doing? I’m so excited!
Andy Samberg: So excited! Alright, here we go! Let’s put 300 minutes on the clock.
Seth Meyers: Oh, that’s WAY too many minutes.
Andy Samberg: Let’s skip the clock!
Seth Meyers: Okay.
Andy Samberg: And… GO!!
Seth Meyers: Paul Giamatti!
Andy Samberg: “Ahhhhhhh, I don’t know, it seems like a bad idea!!”
[ ding! ]
Seth Meyers: Jay Baruchel!
Andy Samberg: “Um… you want me to train my dragon?!”
[ ding! ]
Seth Meyers: John Travolta!
Andy Samberg: “It’s, like, oh my God!”
[ ding! ]
Seth Meyers: Alan Arkin!
Andy Samberg: “What is this Argo??”
[ ding! ]
Seth Meyers: Ryan Reynolds!
Andy Samberg: “I… don’t understand.”
[ ding! ]
Seth Meyers: Jim Carrey!
Andy Samberg: “IIIIIIII… don’t understand!”
[ ding! ]
Seth Meyers: Alf!
Andy Samberg: “No prob-lem!”
[ ding! ]
Seth Meyers: The dad from “Alf”!
Andy Samberg: [ grunting ] “Mmm… Alf! Don’t eat the cat!”
[ ding! ]
Seth Meyers: Roland Gibb, from Fine Young Cannibals.
Andy Samberg: “Good thing!”
[ ding! ]
Seth Meyers: Well done. Beetlejuice!
Andy Samberg: “HEY!! Look, help me up…”
[ ding! ]
Seth Meyers: Keanu Reeves!
Andy Samberg: “Whoa!”
[ buzz! ]
Seth Meyers: I’m sorry, it doesn’t count. You already did Keanu Reeves when you were in the cast.
Andy Samberg: [ mimicking ] “You already did Keanu Reeves when you were in the cast…” Seth Meyers!
[ ding! ]
Seth Meyers: Good one! Larry David!
Andy Samberg: “Prettyyyyyyy… prettyyyyyyy… okay!”
[ ding! ]
Seth Meyers: Zooey Deschenel!
Andy Samberg: “Hey, how’s it going?”
[ ding! ]
Seth Meyers: Seth Rogen!
Andy Samberg: “Hey, man!” [ he chuckles heartily ]
[ ding! ]
Seth Meyers: Teller, from Penn & Teller!
[ Andy stands silently ]
[ ding! ]
Seth Meyers: Randy “Macho Man” Savage.
Andy Samberg: “Ohhhh, yeahhh!!”
[ ding! ]
Seth Meyers: The guy who does the “Entourage” theme song.
Andy Samberg: [ high-pitched ] “Oh, yeahhhhhhhhhh!!!!”
[ ding! ]
Seth Meyers: Smokey the Bear!
Andy Samberg: [ grabbing hat ] “Only you can prevent forest fires.”
[ ding! ]
Seth Meyers: Pharrell!
[ Andy punches the hat into a taller shape and puts it back on his head ]
[ ding! ]
Seth Meyers: Liam Neeson!
Andy Samberg: “A particular set of skills!”
[ ding! ]
Seth Meyers: Osama bin Laden!
Andy Samberg: [ recoiling ] “No, no, no, no, no!!”
[ ding! ]
Seth Meyers: Really good! Really good. Chris Mullin!
Andy Samberg: “Ah was on the Dream Team!”
[ ding! ]
Seth Meyers: Larry Byrd!
Andy Samberg: “AH was on the Dream Team!”
[ ding! ]
Seth Meyers: Charles Barkley!
Andy Samberg: “Ah was ALSO on the Dream Team!”
[ ding-ding-ding!! ]
Seth Meyers: That’s 24! You DID it, Andy! You did it!
[ suddenly, Bill Hader bursts forward to massive applause ]
Bill Hader: Seth! [ hands index cards over ] Read those names.
Andy Samberg: No!
Seth Meyers: [ reading ] Casey Kasem!
Bill Hader: “Good news! I’ve… been found!”
[ ding! ]
Seth Meyers: Andy Samberg!
Bill Hader: [ with a drawl ] “I play a smart detective! That’s believable! Smorky-borg!”
[ ding-ding-ding!! ]
Seth Meyers: You DID it!! Bill Hader is STILL the Master of Impressions!
[ confetti and balloons fall, and Martin Short hands Bill a bouquet of roses to massive applause ]
Bill Hader: Martin Short?!
Martin Short: Bill! You nailed it, buddy! You killed it!
Andy Samberg: Great! Martin Short, my childhood hero. So that stinks. But! I suppose I brought this on myself. We’ve got a great show! St. Vincent is here, so stick around and we’ll be right back!
SNL Transcripts: Andy Samberg: 05/17/14: Waking Up with Kimye
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 39: Episode 21
13u: Andy Samberg / St. Vincent
Waking Up with Kimye
Kanye West…..Jay Pharoah
Kim Kardashian…..Nasim Pedrad
Bruce Jenner…..Taran Killam
Justin Puppet…..Andy Samberg
Kanye West: Welcome to our show Waking Up with Kimye. It’s America’s favorite morning team, we got so much chemistry, we can finish each other’s…
Kim Kardashian: Hi.
Kanye West: Na, na, na, on May 24th Kim and I are getting married, fam. What’s marriage mean to you baby?
Kim Kardashian: That’s the thing you need in order to get a divorce.
Kanye West: In one week Kim will walk down the aisle, take her place at the altar and then watch me ride down the aisle on a meladale elephant.
Kim Kardashian: Elephants are the best.
Kanye West: And what better place for a cultural icon like Kim to get married than Florence Italy.
Kim Kardashian: Cheerio Gov’nor!
Kanye West: No, no, that’s England baby. You know Florence, what do they always say to you in Italy?
Kim Kardashian: Leave!
Kanye West: At this time we normally introduce our in house band comprised of the entire Kardashian family, but the ladies are being fitted for their bridesmaids, Yeezus masks and Rob is eatin’ pie. So please welcome my new sidekick Kardashian family patriarch, Bruce Jenner.
Bruce Jenner: Hi Kim, hi Kanye.
Kanye West: Hey yo! Can you believe we’re getting married?
Bruce Jenner: Oh, I get so emotional just thinking about it. I mean, I would be crying but my tear ducts are stretched behind my ears.
Kanye West: Well, we’re happy you’re here Mister Jenner.
Bruce Jenner: Oh Kanye, Mr. Jenner is my dad, please call me Linda.
Kim Kardashian: Miss you Linda.
Kanye West: Ayt, let’s bring out today’s guest. Since the entire world is hungry for details about our wedding, we decided to reveal some secrets.
Kim Kardashian: Please welcome our wedding planner, Justin Puppet.
Justin Puppet: Hello, hello, hello. Hello, hello, hello, hello. Hello! Kim you look gorgeous.
Kim Kardashian: Thanks.
Kanye West: Of course she does, I dressed her.
Kim Kardashian: So Justin, what can you reveal about our upcoming wedding?
Justin Puppet: Well, first off, every guest will arrive to the venue on a golden rickshaw pulled by the beautiful and strapping Khloe Kardashian.
Kim Kardashian: Khloe’s strong.
Justin Puppet: Ah, yeah. I’ve seen that girl deadlift a fully stocked refrigerator so…
Kanye West: Tell them about the vows Justin.
Justin Puppet: Okay, Kim and Kanye prepared their own wedding vows. Kanye will give a beautiful and loud three hour speech about Kim’s ass and Kim will read her favorite verse from Green Eggs and Ham.
Kim Kardashian: It’s the part where it rhymes.
Justin Puppet: And the reception will be naner’s. The dinner tables will be in Florence but the open bar will be in Paris so that will be fun to figure out.
Kanye West: It’s genius!
Justin Puppet: Yeah, yeah. Oh and security will be intense so paparazzi, please RSVP. In a nutshell this wedding is going to be tight.
Bruce Jenner: The tighter the better, I always say.
Justin Puppet: And don’t even get me started on Kim’s dress.
Kanye West: Which brings us to the part of our show where we look at the latest developments in the world of fashion in a segment we call What Kim Designed, Wedding Edition. Now, Kim and I decided, decided to design what we’ll be wearing at the wedding. I went with the classic understated look. It is a full leather tuxedo inspired by two geniuses, Givenchy Gavjivanchi and Batman. It’s what I believe Jesus would’ve worn if he had access to a kilometer of leather. Now, I had to work with a team of designers to create that. But Kim designed her wedding dress all by herself.
Kim Kardashian: I drew this, you guys. That’s my dress, balloon and the sun is wearing sunglasses because it’s bright.
Kanye West: You’re all looking at the next Vera Wang.
Kim Kardashian: Aha, Wang.
Justin Puppet: Yeah. The whole event is gonna be expensive and scary and fun and unnecessary and fun.
Kanye West: Ayt fam we’re gonna take a quick break. When we come back, Kim talks about climate change.
Kim Kardashian: Do you ever notice it gets warmer in the summer?
Kanye West: Save that world, baby!
Submitted by: Raul Gonzalez
SNL Transcripts: Andy Samberg: 05/17/14: Confident Hunchback
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 39: Episode 21
13u: Andy Samberg / St. Vincent
Confident Hunchback
Quasimodo…..Andy Samberg
Bartender…..Beck Bennett
Girl…..Nasim Pedrad
Blonde…..Kate McKinnon
Plump Gal…..Aidy Bryant
Guy…..Taran Killam
Esmarelda…..Cecily Strong
Announcer: [ over scroll ]
Paris, 1482.
The great Cathedral of Notre Dame stands high over the city. Its caretaker: a lowly hunchback, hidden away in its belltower. Many feared him, but few realized that the size of his horrific deformity was nothing… compared to his swagger.” ]
[ cut to title card ]
Theme Song:
“Confident Hunchback, on the streets!
Confident Hunchback, I like to meet!
Confident Hunchback!”
[ dissolve to tavern ]
Bartender: Ugh! Don’t look now — Here comes that wretch from the cathedral.
Girl: Oh, how he turns my stomach.
[ Quasimodo drops down from a rope, as the room gasps ]
Quasimodo: Comin’ in hot! [ he ambles up to the counter ] Cool Guy Alert! Is it me, or am I GREAT? Hey, compadre, start me with a red wine — NEAT!
[ the Bartender thrusts a stein at him ]
Quasimodo: [ to the girl ] And what’s your name, Gorgeous?
Girl: Leave me alone, Monster!
Quasimodo: Oooooh! “M” word, right out the gate! Hunchie like! Now, what say we get out of here?
Girl: My… you are confident.
Quasimodo: Hold that thought. I just spotted an “8”. [ he ambles over to a blonde ] Oh, what is this? Hello, there!
Blonde: Move along, Creature!
Quasimodo: Me-owwww! Claws are out! But I got a “hunch”… I’m gonna be making you breakfast tomorrow! [ he laughs while pointing to his back ]
Blonde: [ impressed ] Ohhhhhhh! You’re bad!
Quasimodo: At breathing — ’cause of my mangled skeleton. Call me! [ he saunters across a room and picks up a hat ] Hey — fedora! [ he tries it on ] Nope! Not even me! [ he approaches a plump gal ] Hey there! Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven? Because it killed my Mom when I was born! [ he laughs ]
Guy: [ wielding his sword ] Get your dirty hump away from her!
Quasimodo: No can do! And P.S.: My spine’s not the only thing that’s curved!
Plump Gal: Ohhhh! Well! Oooooohh!
Quasimodo: I know — gross, right? Say, how about you ditch the straightback, and we see if we can’t put some more STINK into these rags?
Guy: You gotta go for it — He’s incredible!
Quasimodo: Snooze, you lose! [ he ambles over to Esmarelda ] Uh-oh! Look at this little dimepiece! [ he strains to sit next to her ] Don’t rob me, Gypsy! Too late, you stole my heart!
Esmarelda: I’m sorry? You don’t remember me? I’m… I’m Esmarelda. I brought you bread and water when you were being pilloried in the town square?
Quasimodo: Oh… yes. [ as violin music plays ] You’re the only person who ever… showed me kindness.
Esmarelda: That’s right, Quasimodo. Because I’m the only one that knows you have a beautiful soul.
Quasimodo: What??
Esmarelda: I said, you have a beautiful soul. [ she caresses his hunch, as he recoils ]
Quasimodo: Gahhhh!! We shouldn’t do this.
Esmarelda: No… I wasn’t…
Quasimodo: ‘Cause I don’t want to mess up our friendship, so…
Esmarelda: Yeah…
[ cut to title card ]
Theme Song:
“Confident Hunchback, on the streets!
Confident Hunchback!”
[ dissolve to Quasimodo surrounded by all the girls ]
Quasimodo: I have, at most, a year to live!
[ he and the girls laugh playfully ]
[ fade ]
SNL Transcripts: Andy Samberg: 05/17/14: Goodnights
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 39: Episode 21
13u: Andy Samberg / St. Vincent
Goodnights
…..Andy Samberg
Andy Samberg: Thanks to St. Vincent, Fred Armisen, Bill Hader, Seth Meyers, Paul Rudd, Maya Rudolph, Martin Short, Kristen Wiig, 2 Chainz…. the cast, the crew, the writers, Lorne for giving me a career, my wife, my family, I love you all ,thank you so much, this has been incredible!