Month: October 2018

01c: Drew Barrymore / Macy Gray

Willy Wonka: 30th Anniversary DVD

Gene Wilder/Willy Wonka…..Jeff Richards
Voice over…..Will Ferrell
Denise Nickerson/Violet Beauregaurd…..Rachel Dratch
Julie Dawn Cole/Veruca Salt…..Drew Barrymore
Mr. Salt…..Haratio Sanz
Nelly Furtado…..Maya Rudolph
Peter Ostrum/Charlie Bucket…..Amy Poehler
Telly Savalas…..Darrell Hammond
Sidney Poitier…..Dean Edwards
…..Tracy Morgan

(Willy Wonka in front of the chocolate pond in Willy Wonka and theChocolate Factory sings…)

“There is no place I know to compare with pure imagination”

Voice over: It’s the one and only Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, now to commemorate the 30th anniversary of this family classic, Warner home video presents this special Willy Wonka collectors edition on DVD. Also included is a brand new documentary featuring interviews with the original Wonka kids including the incorrigible Violet Boragard.

(Cut to movie scene)

Violet: Hmmm, delicious tomato soup, hmm oh second course is coming up. Roast beef with baked potato hmm. Here comes the dessert, oh it’s the most marvelous blue berry pie. (starts turning blue)

Willy Wonka: It always goes wrong at the dessert.

(cut to a very blue very inflated Violet)

Violet: I feel kinda funny, what’s happening to me?

(Cut to Denise Nickerson/Violet Beauregaurd now, she’s older, but stillhas bright blue face and hands)

Violet: I had a fantastic time making that movie. A lot of the special effects were brand new, they hadn’t even been tested yet. Would I do it again? … no.

Voice over: And who could forget the spoiled brat Veruca Salt.

(Cut to movie seen with Veruca and father)

Veruca: Daddy I want a golden goose and I want it now.

(Cut to Julie Dawn Cole/ Veruca Salt now, wearing tight clothing andsmoking a cigarette)

Veruca: Yeah I moved back to London to start my own rock band, but then I found out that there was already another band named Veruca Salt. So instead I make my living by having men pay me 75 pounds a pop to say “Daddy I want it now, give it to me…NOW!!!”

Voice over: The Willy Wonka Collectors edition includes a newly recorded version of the celebrated Oompa Loompa song, sung by pop sensation Nelly Furtado.

(Cut to Nelly Furtado with two Oompa Loompas. She sings to the tune of“Turn out the light”)

Nelly Furtado:
“I said a Oompa-Loompa Doopody Doo
I got another present for you
I said a Oopa Loompa Doopody de
It’s Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory
oh woah woah, yeah
Turn out the light, turn out the light”

(Nelly dances with the Oompa Loompas)

Voice over: You’ll enjoy actor Peter Ostrum in his first interview since the movie’s release thirty years ago.

(cut to movie scene)

Charlie Bucket: I found a golden ticket, I found a golden ticket!)

(Cut to a flaming Charlie Bucket/ Peter Ostrum now)

Charlie Bucket: Let me tell you I made a lot of good friends on the Wonka set. Augustus Gloop and I became very close. He was the big powerful German boy woo! We roomed together in college, and for a while after that. But Willy Wonka will always be a part of me. In fact, guys who hang out in my condo call it one big chocolate factory!

Voice over: The Willy Wonka collectors edition includes never before seen screen tests with Hollywood’s brightest stars of 1971, including the star of TV’s Kojack Telly Savalas.

Telly Savalas: Who can take a sunrise, sprinkle it with dew! Now you listen to me, who loves ya (licks lolly-pop and stares intensely into the camera) baby.

Voice over: And an unforgettable screen test with Academy Award winner Sidney Poitier.

Sidney Poitier: They.. call me.. Mr. Wonka!!

Voice over: Sparkling with beautifully restored picture and sound, this collection features never before seen out-takes.

(Cut to movie scene in front of psychedelic backgrounds)

Willy Wonka: There’s no earthly way of knowing, which direction we are going. For the fires of Hell are glowing! YES! For the rowers keep on rowing! And they’re certainly not showing, any signs that they are slowing! EEHHHH!!!!! Hey, wait a minute, this is a children’s film right?

Tracy Morgan voice over: (laughing) Order the Willy Wonka Collector’s edition today!

Thanks to Jamie for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

01e: Gwyneth Paltrow / Ryan Adams

Gemini’s Twin

Sway…..Dean Edwards
Britannica…..Maya Rudolph
Joanette…..Ana Gasteyer
Chanterell…..Gwyneth Paltrow

Sway: Welcome to the Gemini’s Twin Weekend! I’m Sway! It’s all Gemini, all the time, all weekend, 24-2! Now, from their latest CD, America the Bootyful, which drops today, the spankin’ new video from the ladies of Gemini’s Twin – Red, White, and Not You!

(cut to video)

(The twins are dressed as patriotic runway models and walk down a runway aisle)

All members: (singing)
Red is the color of my heart
White is the color of your lies
Blue is what you’re gonna be
If you keep on messin’ with me

Comin’ home late at night
Smelling like aroma spirits
Actin’ like you’re outta sight
With your nasty overbite (oh-ohh)

You be actin’ all robotic
When I’m tryin to get erotic
So why you goin’ all psychotic
That ain’t very patriot-ic!
Oh, no no no

All you wanna do is bone
Like a caveman, Fred Flintstone
Play you like a saxophone
Pass you like a kidney sto-o-o-ne

There ain’t no more you and me
GT-3, we out!

(clip ends, cut to MTV set)

Sway: Yo, now let’s give it up for Gemini’s Twin!

(the members enter)

Sway: Yo, the video was mad patriotic! So Gemini’s Twin, there’s a lotta serious business goin’ on in the world today. How y’all crackin’ lately?

Britannica: Well, this has been a real reflectionary period of time for us as individuals and as members of America.

Joanette: Mmm-hmm. We’ve been in a real stressful conditionality in regards to our poker capacity.

Britannica: Which resulted in us eatin’ a lotta Popeye’s. And Taco Bell.

Joanette: Basically we was getting chunky sweet.

Britannica: Word, our manager put us on a weight loss pruz-o-gram!

All members: (singing a capella) Americans diet, high pro-ty-ine!

Sway: Cool, cool. Yo, I’ve gotta question for the new girl – who are you?

Chanterell: I’m the new member, they call me Chanterell.

Britannica: Yeah, we call her that cause her real name is Bridget.

Chanterelle: Word. And Bridget sounds mad white, yo.

Joanette: But it’s all good cause she make me look ethnic.

Chanterelle: Word, see they both white…you know what I’m sayin’?

Sway: Yeah, word on that. And I hear you guys met by accident. So give us the 411!

Britannica: Okay, see here’s what happened, Sway. We was on our tour bus and we was tryin’ to decide where to eat. See, I wanted them salty biscuits from Red Lobster with the cheese up them…

Joanette: Mmm-hmm…and I wanted Bob Evans for the beef and noodles.

Britannica: Yeah, things got crazy, then my dad got all cranked up and started yellin’ out when we realized no one was at the wheel.

Joanette: Yeah, and then we ran into her. I was like, “I’m gonna sue!” and they was like, “Hold up, you wanna be in the group?” I was like, “What group?”, and they was like, “Gemini’s Twin!” and I was like, “I ain’t never heard of them, but a’ight!”

Britannica: Yeah, we glad she didn’t sue cause we wanna steer clear of issues involving law and order…chung-chung!

Chantrelle: Mmm-hmm. Drama dismissed!

All members: (cheering) No drama! No drama! No-no-no drama!

Sway: No doubt, no doubt. So what can you tell us about the new album?

Britannica: Well, we just felt it was real important to get an album out right away…so we could sell it.

Sway: So, are any of the proceeds goin’ to charity?

Britannica: Well, we discussed that and decided it didn’t fit into our world right now.

Joanette: But we do encourage anyone who is sufferin’ to go out and buy our album.

Britannica: Word, ‘cause the people who buy our album are the real heroes.

(singing a capella) Hee-roooo-oes!

Chanterelle: Sam Goody!

Sway: That’s deep, yo! But seriously, we gotta give our props to the U.S.A. I love you U.S.A., you’re beautiful. Yo, how come y’all don’t call me no more, U.S.A? Naw, I’m just playin’ wit you. I be pretending the U.S.A. was a real person, y’all!

All members: That’s aight, you’re funnin’, you real cool!

Sway: A’ight y’all, that about wraps it up for the Gemini’s Twin Weekend. Ladies, why don’t you take us out with a little bit of America the Bootyful?

All Members: A’ight, a’ight! Yeah, let’s do it!

(singing a capella)

And…and…and
And crown thy good with bo-o-otyhood
From me to shining…
meeeee-ugh–whoo-whoo…yeah!

Sway: This is Sway wrapping it up with Gemini’s Twin and they gon’ pay!

(fade)

Thanks to Ann*e Hussey and CaliStarDust for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 26: Episode 19

00s: Lara Flynn Boyle / Bon Jovi

The Scarlet Letter

Reverend….Chris Parnell
Jedediah….Horatio Sanz
Hester Prynne….Ana Gasteyer
Young colonial….Jimmy Fallon
Steve….Will Ferrell
BJ….Lara Flynn Boyle
69….Maya Rudolph
3 Way….Rachel Dratch
Host….Darrell Hammond

[Classical music plays]

[ Caption: Premiere Playhouse ]

[Man in a suit sits on elegant library with a big leather bound book]

Host: Welcome once again to Premiere Playhouse. Tonight we present part three of Nathaniel Hawthorne’s classic tale of morality and hypocrisy “The Scarlet Letter”.

[cut to “The Scarlet Letter”. A woman bears the letter “A” in bright red on her chest. She is surrounded by the angry Town Elders]

Reverend: Hester Prynne, this scarlet “A” shall be a mark of your adultery and the enduring brand of your shame!

Jedediah: Know this woman! Henceforth, thou art shunned!

Jedediah and the Reverend: Shunned wanton woman! Shame on thee!

Hester Prynne: [crying] Have you no charity?!

Young colonial: Reverend, a strange woman approaches from the town by the river.

Reverend: What? Alone?

Young colonial: No, not alone, sir. She also bears a scarlet mark of shame on her breast.

Jedediah: Oh, well, she’ll find no welcome in this goodly town.

Reverend: As God is my witness! No one who wear a scarlet brand shall find sanctuary here!

Young colonial: She approaches!

[Young beautiful lady enters]

BJ: Oh, good men. [takes coat off and the letters “BJ” are branded on her chest in bright red] Pray help me.

Hester Prynne: I’m afraid you’ll find no help here. For–[pushed out of the way by the Reverend]

Reverend:[jovially] Hey, well, who have we have here?!

Jedediah: Looks like we got a new friend in town. Welcome! Welcome! Right?!

Hester Prynne: What?!

Reverend: Out of the way Prynne, can you see the lady needs help?

BJ: I have come so far and I am so weary. At any moment, I fear I may drop to my knees.

Reverend: [horny] Maybe…maybe that would be for the best.

Jedediah:[turned on] Yeah, sure, sure, yeah.

BJ: I am so grateful for your kindness. But I must be honest. I am no mere traveler. I have been shunned.

Reverend: What? Shunned? I mean, do people do that anymore?

Hester Prynne: [can’t believe it] Ahem! Hellooo?!

Reverend: But you must understand, we, the Town Elders must ask you, are you guilty of this crime of which you have been accused?

BJ: Oh, yes, yes. Many, many times! I can’t help myself.

Jedediah: [pensive] Hmm, I see. [goes to the young colonial and high five’s him and the other elders] Oh, yeeeeeeah!!!

Hester Prynne: Every sinner is given room to repent. Thou must beg for mercy and change your ways.

Jedediah: Ok, that’s enough out of you! Get out of here! [takes Hester out by the arm roughly]

Hester Prynne: What? Oh—

Reverend: Jedediah, go burn her or something. [to BJ] Now listen sweetie, you can stay the first week with me and then rotate.

BJ: So you accept me? Even with my scarlet mark of shame?

Reverend: Shame? What shame? Those letters don’t mean anything to us here.

Steve: [gay as hell,”BJ” on his chest too] Oh, I’m so glad to finally hear you say that! Its so good to be back, guys.

Reverend: No, Steve!

Steve: But you just—

Reverend: Noooo!!! Not you!

Steve: Well, have you changed your mind about this one? [takes off coat revealing the words “HJ” on his shirt]

Jedediah: No!

Reverend: No!

Steve: Then I guess I don’t need to ask about—[takes off shirt and has the letters “BF” on his undershirt]

Reverend: Absolutely not! Come on, back in the woods, Steve.

Steve: No!

[most of the cast cracks up with Will’s gayness]

Reverend: Steve, into the woods.

Steve: No!

Reverend: Steven!

Steve: Fine! [leaves]

Reverend: Now then, [to BJ] do you get high?

Jedediah: Yeah!

[back to the host]

Host: [sighs] Delightful. That concludes part three of “The Scarlet Letter”. Be sure to join us next week as the reverend is called upon to justify his righteous judgment.

[Back to “The Scarlet Letter”]

Reverend: You see, we had to kick Hester Prynne and Steve out because we can really only have one “scarlet letter” type person in this town.

BJ: Oh, that is so bad, see, I have met these two very unfortunate women on the road. And I wish that—

69: Pardon us, excuse us.

[Two ladies arrive. One with the number “69” on her chest and the other one with “3Way” on hers]

Reverend: [excited] Sweet sassy molassey! Where is the town that’s kicking these women out?! Welcome girls! Welcome!

Jedediah: Yeah!

[Town Elders get ready to party with the new arrivals. Cut to the host]

Host: That’s coming up in the next stirring installment of “The Scarlet Letter”. Here on the Spice channel.

[Spice logo]

[cheers and applause]

[fade]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

Passive-Aggressive Pam

Maya…..Maya Rudolph
Lana…..Katie Holmes
Ken…..Jerry Minor
Passive-Aggressive Pam…..Ana Gasteyer
Barbershop Quartet…..Will Ferrell, Horatio Sanz, Chris Parnell, Jimmy Fallon

[ open on co-workers chatting to one another in break room ]

Maya: ..then I noticed I’d copied all the papers on pink paper!

Lana: [ walks up ] Hi. It’s my first day, and I was wondering if you could tell me where the supply cabinet is?

Maya: Oh. Oh, welcome. What department are you in?

Lana: I’m in Consulting. I work for.. Pam. [ the group members groan to themselves ] Uh.. is something bad?

Ken: You’ve got Passive-Aggressive Pam.

Passive-Aggressive Pam: [ enters ] Hi-i-i-i! [ group members barely responds ] Ooh.. you look tired. [ fake smile ] Hey, Lana, I thought we were meeting in my office? Oh, well.. I guess I goofed!

[ enter Barbershop Quartet, as the scene stands still ]

Barbershop Quartet: [ singing ]
“It’s a friendly little zinger
but it’s always got a stinger.
A verbal middle finger
is a nasty humdinger!
Hey! That compliment was really a slam!
It’s Passive-Aggressive Pa-a-a-a-a-ammm!”

[ Barbershop Quartet quickly stumble out of the scene as it comes back to life ]

Ken: How’s it going, Pam?

Passive-Aggressive Pam: Oh, fine. You know, I want to work in this department. Every time I’m in here, you’re on break!

[ they all turn to leave ]

Passive-Aggressive Pam: Hey, Ken, by the way – good job on that report. It was actually really useful! Hooray for you you!

Ken: Thank you?

Passive-Aggressive Pam: No problem! [ Ken exits ] So, Lana.. how’s it been going so far?

Lana: Oh, great. Everyone’s been really nice.

Passive-Aggressive Pam: Yeah, they put on quite a show! [ laughs ] Say.. that’s really a cute outfit! I wish I could pull off that funky brick-store look!

Lana: Thanks.

Passive-Aggressive Pam: Hey, remind me to tell you about the dress code, okay?

Lana: Is this inappropriate, or something?

Passive-Aggressive Pam: No. No, no, no.. I don’t have a problem with it. There’s no point in you going home today, anyway. [ laughs ] Okay. So, what you do here is, you key in your job number and your client number – it’s not rocket science, we’re all college grads here!

Lana: Well, in my case, junior college.

Passive-Aggressive Pam: Oh! Junior college is great! You know, my nephew has a learning disability, and he loves junior college!

[ enter Barbershop Quartet, as the scene stands still ]

Barbershop Quartet: [ singing ]
“She’ll casually insult you,
but she’ll say it with a grin.
You’ll think that she is praising you
while you take it on the chin!”

[ Barbershop Quartet quickly stumble out of the scene as it comes back to life ]

Lana: Uh.. Pam.. I was wondering, if it’s okay with you, I was thinking about coming in early tomorrow and doing some reorganizing?

Passive-Aggressive Pam: Ooh.. I love that ambition! Listen, if you end up blowing it off, just leave me a message!

Lana: Oh, no, I’ll be here. I come in with my fiance – he has to come in early, anyway.. he works in Accounting.

Passive-Aggressive Pam: Oh, your fiance! Who’s that?

Lana: Sean Bartlett.

Passive-Aggressive Pam: See! I told everyone he wasn’t gay! Good for you. And, you know what, if it doesn’t work out, you’re only.. 27..?

Lana: Uh.. 22.

Passive-Aggressive Pam: Oo-ooh! I spy a sun worshipper! Be careful!

Lana: Uh.. Pam? I’m very, very comfortable with conflict.. so, if there’s anything about me, you know, my clothes, my age, where I went to school, you know, you can come right out and tell me.

Passive-Aggressive Pam: Okay. Alright. Great. Thank you. I will keep that in mind. Can I offer you a mint?

[ enter Barbershop Quartet, as the scene stands still ]

Barbershop Quartet: [ singing ]
“She’s smiling, but she’s mean
It’s that, or what it seems.
You know that compliment was really a slam!
It’s Passive-Aggressive..”

Passive-Aggressive Pam: First time singing?

Barbershop Quartet: “Pa-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-mmmmmm!!!”

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 26: Episode 4



Search Now:

00d: Charlize Theron / Paul Simon

The Coconut Bangers Ball

Robert Goulet…..Will Ferrell

Announcer: Ladies and Gentleman Mr. Robert Goulet.

Robert Goulet: Hello I’m Robert Goulet Da da de da da do. I know one thing we can agree on when a professional gets his mitts on a song that’s when it really takes off. Da da de da da do ba dob a do. That’s why I’ve gone out and done the music world a frickin’ service, and cut this compact disc. It’s called The Coconut Bangers Ball: It’s A Rap. Ha Ha Ha A little inside I know. Anyway what you get is one full hour of rip roarin’ rap music. Not by some dubious ruffians without the chops, but by a professionally trained voice man. No musical accompaniment. It’s just me out there. Watch what I do with this little ditty from Sisqo called the “Thong Song.”

(singing “Thong Song” by Sisqo)

“Oh girl that dress is so scandolous,
And you know another Nigga couldn’t handle it.
You see dumps like a truck, truck, truck
Not like a what, what, what
Baby move you butt,butt,butt
I think I’ll sing it again
Sha bang, sha bop,bop bop.
Thong Song”

Something like that. Hey you wouldn’t let a clown fix a leak in the john. So why do you let these hooligans tear down the biz.Yeah!!!!! I don’t care if he is mister Notorious big. Can he croon.

(singing “Poppa” by Notorious B.I.G.)

“Poppa, I like it when you call me Big Poppa
Throw your hands in the air if you think your a playa
Poppa, I love it when you call me Big Poppa
To the honeys makin’ money playin’ niggaz just like dummies
Poppa”

You get the idea. We call it Coconut Bangers Ball: It’s A Rap. It’s Snoopy, Dre, Biggie, Puff Man, Cooooooooolio, the whole bunch.

(singing Who Let The Dogs Out by Baha Men)

“Who let the dogs out,
Who let those dogs out,
Who let those little muts gooooooooooo!
Yeah! Goulet!”

Well I gotta a gig to make, but do yourself a big favor alright and go out and ( Big Horn walks into scene) hold on lookee here. It’s a big horn. Well! (grabs bowl of food) That’s why I come up here. Look at you. You’re hungry. You don’t even blink do you . Quick staring contest me and you Now! (staring contest begins, Goulet blinks) You win, you always do. That’s why I come up here.

(singing)

Nature! Goulet!

Anyway check out the CD you’ll just love it. Or my name isn’t Robert Goulet.

Announcer: The Coconut Bangers Ball: It’s A Rap in stores now.

Submitted by: Charles Spivey

SNL Transcripts

Saturday Night Live Transcripts


Season 26: Episode 1

00a: Rob Lowe / Eminem

Airport Blind Date

Ray Murphy…..Molly Shannon
Rick Jennings…..Will Ferrell
Bartender…..Chris Kattan

[ open on an airport bar, with Rick Jennings sitting to the right.Ray Murphy appears, and Ray looks to the left as she arrives. ]

Ray Murphy: Hi! Are you Rick Jennings?

Rick Jennings: Yes, hi!

Ray Murphy: Hi…

Rick Jennings: Ray?

Ray Murphy: Ray.

Rick Jennings: Ray…

Ray Murphy: Murphy?

Rick Jennings: Yeah, Ray Murphy.

Ray Murphy: Nice to meet you…

Rick Jennings: Nice to meet you too… yeah…

Ray Murphy: Good…

Rick Jennings: Yeah…

Ray Murphy: So nice to meet you…

Rick Jennings: So nice to meet you!

Ray Murphy: Well…

Rick Jennings: You look great!

Ray Murphy: Thank you… so do you!

Rick Jennings: Sorry the stool is so high…

Ray Murphy: [ laughs ] That’s OK!

Rick Jennings: So, yeah…

Ray Murphy: Yeah…

[ they repeat this uncertainty routine for a few seconds ]

Rick Jennings: So…

Ray Murphy: It’s so nice to finally put a face with the voice I’ve talked to on the phone for so long.

Rick Jennings: [ in agreement ] Oh yeah, right, right!

Ray Murphy: So…

Rick Jennings: Do you, uh.. do you go on blind dates much?

Ray Murphy: You know, I really don’t, they sorta scare me. I’m a pretty shy person…

Rick Jennings: That’s understandable.

Ray Murphy: …and the whole thing just sorta makes me feel a little bit embarrassed or vulnerable, like that.

Rick Jennings: That’s fine, well… thank you for showing up!

Ray Murphy: Well, thank you for thanking me!

[ They both laugh ]

Ray Murphy: So…

Rick Jennings: Yeah… Would you likea drink?

Ray Murphy: Sure! I’m gonna have… a whiskey sour.

Rick Jennings: OK! I think I’ll have one, too!

Ray Murphy: Great!

Rick Jennings: [ to Bartender ] Excuse me. [ Bartender appears ] Um, can we have two whiskey sours?

Bartender: Two whiskey sours?

Rick Jennings: Yeah.

Bartender: OK. [ taps table, then leaves ]

Ray Murphy: So… can I ask you a question?

Rick Jennings: Yeah, sure.

Ray Murphy: Why did you pick an airport bar as a first date?

Rick Jennings: You know.. I thought you lived near the airport.

Ray Murphy: Really? That’s strange. No, I live down by the Dunes.

Rick Jennings: Oh.. OK.

Ray Murphy: Yeah…

Rick Jennings: How is it, is it nice down there?

Ray Murphy: Yeah, it’s great. My brother Mack and his wife have a place down there, so sometimes I stay with them.

Rick Jennings: Wait, so I’m confused. So, do you not have your own place, do you stay with your brother and his sister?

Ray Murphy: You know what, I don’t really wanna talk about that right now; I just met you and I don’t know you all that well, and maybe when I get to know you better I can tell you about my living situation, because, well… I really don’t wanna talk about it right now. So…

Rick Jennings: That’s fine.

Ray Murphy: Yeah.. sorta how I feel.

Rick Jennings: Fine.

Ray Murphy: So…

Rick Jennings: Yeah, we don’t hafta talk about it.

Ray Murphy: Yeah… OK… [ Bartender appears ]

Bartender: Two whiskey sours. [ places the drinks in front of Ray and his date ]

Rick Jennings: Thank you.

Bartender: Are either of you two on the 8:00 American flight to Boston?

Together: No, no…

Bartender: Because it just got delayed two hours… [ to Ray ] So you’re lucky. [ leaves ]

Rick Jennings: Yeah…

Ray Murphy: So, where do you live?

Rick Jennings: [ mimicking his date ] Um.. you know what? I’d really rather not talk about it right now… no, just kidding! I live just off of Dewberry Street–

Ray Murphy: [ peeved ] That’s not funny.

Rick Jennings: I was.. I was just joking.

Ray Murphy: Yeah, well, that’s not my kind of joking. [ awkward pause ] Maybe we could just change the subject.

Rick Jennings: OK, let’s just change it.

Ray Murphy: I’m sorta hungry, do you wanna get something to eat, like some chicken fingers?

Rick Jennings: That sounds great! That sounds great! [ to Bartender ] Excuse me… [Bartender appears] can we order some chicken fingers?

Bartender: You know what, we’re all out of chicken fingers.

Rick Jennings: OK… [ to Ray ] Do you like shrimp?

Ray Murphy: I LOVE shrimp, that sounds great!

Rick Jennings: OK… [ to Bartender ] Shrimp?

Bartender: Popcorn shrimp?

Rick Jennings: Yeah, that sounds great.

Bartender: OK. [ taps table once, then leaves ]

Ray Murphy: Um.. so what kind of work do you do?

Rick Jennings: I sell eyeglasses. I know it sounds weird.

Ray Murphy: It doesn’t sound weird.

Rick Jennings: Oh good, yeah.

Ray Murphy: I think it’s so cute when you see little babies or little children that wear little glasses.. it’s SO cute!

Rick Jennings: Yes! Or babies that wear sunglasses!

Ray Murphy: Exactly!

Rick Jennings: Adorable, it really is.

Ray Murphy: Cute…

Rick Jennings: [ to himself ] What else, what else can I ask you… [ Bartender appears ]

Bartender: Here’s your popcorn shrimp.

Ray Murphy and Ray Murphy: Mmmmmm…

Ray Murphy: That looks so good…

Rick Jennings: I absolutely love shrimp.

Ray Murphy: Is it your favorite food?

Rick Jennings: …Yes. Does your brother Mack, does he like shrimp?

Ray Murphy: [ shocked ] You know what, I don’t really wanna talk about that right now.

Rick Jennings: OK. I was just asking…

Ray Murphy: Well, don’t ask.

Rick Jennings: Listen, I’m sorry, I just think it’s weird that every time I ask you something about your brother, it’s a sensitive subject.

Ray Murphy: [ upset ] Look… why are you so curious about him? I told you I don’t wanna talk about him, and here we are going round and round talking about my brother. Why are you so curious about my brother Mack?

Rick Jennings: I just think it’s odd that I can’t ask you about your brother Mack or his wife or living down by the Dunes.

Ray Murphy: [ even more distraught ] Please stop talking about it! God! Really! [Bartender appears]

Bartender: How are we doing over here?

Rick Jennings: We’re doing fine, yeah… we’re doing great.

Bartender: …OK. [ taps counter once, then leaves ]

Rick Jennings: You know, it’s funny, I’m driving a rental car, and–

Ray Murphy: [ interrupting ] You know what, I’m gonna go. I’m gonna leave… I’m gonna leave, I have sort of a full plate… so I’m gonna grab my purse and…

Rick Jennings: Can I call you sometime?

Ray Murphy: Yeah… No.

Rick Jennings: Yeah, don’t call.

Ray Murphy: I really don’t think we’re a match, I know that sounds rough but that’s just sorta how I feel… so…

Rick Jennings: So, don’t call you?

Ray Murphy: No, don’t call. You want some money?

Rick Jennings: No, no, no, my treat.

Ray Murphy: Good… great…

Rick Jennings: Well, good luck.

Ray Murphy: Good luck to you!

[ they shake hands, then she leaves ]

[ Bartender appears ]

Ray Murphy: You know what, it turns out we did have those chicken fingers.

Rick Jennings: OK… that might be nice…

[ fade out ]

Submitted by: Paul Buxton

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 26: Episode 3

00c: Dana Carvey / The Wallflowers

Dana Carvey’s Monologue

…..Rob Lowe
…..Brendan Fraser

Dana Carvey: Alright! The Mets: 3, the Yankees: 2! I want us all to be happy and win – let’s join hands and pray! [ touches hair ] I’ve got a little George Bush hair, this is the weirdest hair I’ve ever had on TV. A little spiky. Uh.. who are you guys gonna vote for, Gore or Bush? I’m undecided. [ laughs ] I like Gore, though. I like the way he talks.. [ mimicking ] I like that sort of low-er thing he’s got. I like that little Top one-per-cent will ben-e-fit.. He just wants to distance himself from Clinton, have you noticed that? He gets up every morning: “I’m just gonna dis-tance my-self this morn-ing.. and then I’ll have break-fast, and I’ll spend two hours dis-tanc-ing my-self..

Bush is kind of cool. He’s got some weird faces, though, as Will’s been doing on the show. He’s got this one look where he goes to the side.. [ demonstrates ] ..kind of like that, when he’s thinking. And then, when he’s listening, he makes his mouth smaller than it anatomically should be able to get. I’ve never seen a mouth that tiny! When he’s listening to Gore, he’s like this.. [ demonstrates ] And the final one is when he’s got something kind of clever inside, and his eyebrows want to go up with the light but he’s trying to keep them down – this one.. [ demonstrates ] He’s smooth, because Gore is with all the details: “10%, and Top 5%, and I’ll do $1 for every $2, we’ve got $300 billion this and that..” And Bush is just sitting there going, “You know, if he wants to say I’m a hard-hearted person, that’s just not true!” [ snickers ]

I don’t know. They could have Lieberman in there, he’s cool. He says God a lot, which I think is kind of charming. He sounds like he has an intestinal problem, doesn’t he? [ mimicking ] “I mean.. God bless.. God bless everybody.. but I gotta find a bathroom!”

A lot of important stuff hinges on this election, you know? A lot of people are watching it closely. Microsoft, Bill Gates is watching this. Bill Gates, who apparently made a deal with the Devil – “You can have $60 billion, but you have to go through life looking like a turtle.” [ laughs ] I found out that Microsoft is gonna have Johnnie Cochran be their lead attorney for their appeal. Which is a good idea, that guy is brilliant, Johnnie Cochran.. [ mimicking ] “It’s an outrage! It’s an outrage to talk about Microsoft’s a monopoly! Everyone knows Monopoly’s a board game! That’s right! Talk about St. Charles Place! Talk about Indiana Avenue! Talk about little tiny, metal top hat! If there is no Community Chest, you must not arrest!”

Ladies and gentlemen, The Wallflowers are here! We’ve got a great show, stick around we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 27: Episode 4

01d: John Goodman / Ja Rule

Liberty Medical Insurance

Wilford Brimley…..John Goodman

[ open on Wilford Brimley sitting atop a horse next to a wooden fence on his farm ]

Wilford Brimley: Hi. I’m Wilford Brimley, and I’ve had diabetes for about 20 years. I stay active and I feel pretty good most of the time. See, I do things differently now. I’m not perfect, but I try to watch my diet and exercise. And I check my blood sugar, and I get all my diabetic testing supplies from Liberty Mutual.

Like I said, I’m not perfect. I guess.. some of the things I told you just now are downright fibs. Like the diet and exercise thing. When I said I watch my diet, I guess I mean I watch the minivan from Buddy’s Barbecue pull up and unload about $200 worth of pork ribs onto my driveway. While I stand in the doorway hiding my food boner in my Bermuda shorts.

When it comes to exercise, well that’s just a boldfaced lie. I’ve never moved fast enough to sweat , except when I was making a baby. Even then, I took some much-needed breaks. My doctor isn’t even sure I’ve got diabetes. He just says I look like somebody who would have it. I do check my blood-sugar every day, though, just in case. And Liberty Medical brings all the teting supplies right to my door, so it’s easy to track my health.

[ sprays whipped cream into his mouth ]

Who am I kidding? That’s bull hockey! I don’t keep track of my health at all! People just assume I eat a lot of quaker Oats, so I must be okay. Hell, I wouldn’t eat oatmeal if it was the filling in a Dove bar. I can’t stand that gobbledlygook! It always seems like somebody else ate it first. Sorry, Quaker, but I’m Wilford Brimley, I say it how I feel it.

You know what I do like, are them S’Mores. And old-fashioned wedding cake frosting – the kind that’s still got lard in it. And merangue made out of egg yolks instead of egg whites. Some people call it cholestoral, I just call it good.

If you have diabetes, you check your blood sugar, and you check it often. There’s no reason not to. Call Liberty. They can help you have a better life.

Now, I’m gonna go get off my horse by getting onto a smaller horse, and then onto a large dog, until I’m near enough to the ground to roll off.

You take care now.

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
October 13th, 2001

Drew Barrymore

Macy Gray

Tom Green

Colin Quinn

A Message From the Vice-President of the United States

Dick Cheney (Darrell Hammond) reports from a secret cave in Afghanistan.

Recurring Characters: Vice-President Dick Cheney.

Drew Barrymore’s Monologue

Mayor’s courage brought Drew to New York despite anthrax in the building.

Crossing Over with John Edwards

John Edwards’ (Will Ferrell) psychic predictions are far from accurate.

Love-ahs

Love-ahs Roger (Will Ferrell) & Virginia (Rachel Dratch) play hot tub matchmakers.

Recurring Characters: Roger, Virginia.

Willy Wonka: 30th Anniversary DVD

Features outtakes, rejected screen tests and “Where Are They Now?”

TV Funhouse

“Fun With Real Audio” segment shows a retooling of Emeril’s sitcom.

First Liberty Savings Bank

Founder’s failure of a son (Will Ferrell) marks the money for sale.

Macy Gray performs “Sexual Revolution”

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

Gay Hitler (Chris Kattan) visits.

Colin Quinn explains what’s going on in Afghanistan.

Neil Diamond (Will Ferrell) sings “Turn On Your Heartlight”.

Recurring Characters: Neil Diamond.

Action Talk Show

Klaus Von Braunman (Chris Kattan) and direct-to-video action movies.

“King Kong” On WUUB

To save money, Public Broadcasting station recreates “King Kong” remake.

Lesbian Feminist Singers

Monica (Barrymore) & Lelani (Maya Rudolph) sing despite interruptions.

Macy Gray performs “Sweet Baby”

My Big Thick Novel

Author can’t fathom “When dinosaurs ruled the earth” cliche.

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 27: 2001-2002


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Starring:

Rachel Dratch

Jimmy Fallon

Will Ferrell

Tina Fey

Ana Gasteyer

Darrell Hammond

Chris Kattan

Tracy Morgan

Chris Parnell

Amy Poehler

Maya Rudolph

Horatio Sanz

Featuring:

Dean Edwards

Seth Meyers

Jeff Richards

Episodes

09/29/01: Reese Witherspoon / Alicia Keys

10/06/01: Seann William Scott / Sum 41

10/13/01: Drew Barrymore / Macy Gray

11/03/01: John Goodman / Ja Rule

11/10/01: Gwyneth Paltrow / Ryan Adams

11/17/01: Billy Bob Thornton / Creed

12/01/01: Derek Jeter / Shakira, Bubba Sparxxx

12/08/01: Hugh Jackman / Mick Jagger

12/15/01: Ellen Degeneres / No Doubt

01/12/02: Josh Hartnett / Pink

01/19/02: Jack Black / The Strokes

02/02/02: Britney Spears

03/02/02: Jonny Mosely / Outkast

03/09/02: Jon Stewart / India.Arie

03/16/02: Ian McKellen / Kylie Minogue

04/06/02: Cameron Diaz / Jimmy Eat World

04/13/02: The Rock / Andrew W.K.

04/20/02: Alec Baldwin / P.O.D.

05/11/02: Kirsten Dunst / Eminem

05/18/02: Winona Ryder / Moby

SummaryOn September 11th, 2001, 18 days prior to “Saturday Night Live”‘s 27th season premiere, terrorists attacked the World Trade Center’s Twin Towers in New York City. It seemed that life as America knew it had come to a halt, but President George W. Bush and New York Mayor Rudolph Guiliani (two politicians lampooned regularly on “SNL”) declared that the city would overcome the tragedy. As proof, the Mayor himself appeared on the season premiere to pay tribute to the men, women and children whose lives were lost in the attack, and to encourage “SNL” to let the show go on.

Not returning the late-night comedy institution was Jerry Minor, who, as a featured performer, played a very minor role indeed during the 2000 season. Chris Parnell had also been let go from the cast, but managed to find his way back into the inner sanctum by the March 2nd, 2002 episode, and stayed for the remainder of the season. Four new featured performers – Dean Edwards, Seth Meyers, Amy Poehler and Jeff Richards – were added to the cast. Of the four, Poehler’s star shined the brightest, as she was quickly upgraded to full cast member status after the Christmas break.

SNL Transcripts