Month: October 2018

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 22: Episode 6

96f: Robert Downey, Jr. / Fiona Apple

A Message From the President of the United States

President Bill Clinton…..Darrell Hammond

Announcer: And now, a message from the President of the United States.

President Bill Clinton: America.. I come before you tonight to thank you for re-electing me. I know half of you didn’t vote. But of the half of you that did.. almost half voted for me. And I appreciate that overwhelming show of support. 49% of the less than 50% of you who voted said Yes to Bill Clinton! [ chuckles ] That kind of ground swell tells me I’m on the right track! Less than half of the less than half of the people who voted.. stood up and demanded.. four.. more.. years. That means 1 ot of every 4 of you are.. helping me build that bridge into the next century. And I than every fourth one of you for your unanimous support!

But, actually, when you think about it.. it’s not really every 1 out of 4 Americans. because there’s, you know, another 30% of you out there who aren’t old enough to vote! [ laughs ] But, still.. I am thri-illed by the hu-u-uge support I was given by the half of the half of the remaining 70% of you! Because that is still a whopping 17% of you who enthusiastically supported Bill Clinton! And that is.. [ getting emotional ] ..just really beautiful.. [ chuckles ]

And sure, to be honest, Arkansas shouldn’t really count, because that’s my home state, and you have to subttract me and Hillary.. I mean, because, obviously, we voted for me.. And, of course, you should take out anyone who depends on my administration for a job. But, still.. that makes 12% of the population who actively wanted me to be re-elected! Truly, that is a mandate from the people!

Then again.. you really can’t count women, because who are they gonna vote for? Bob Dole? [ laughs ] Yeah! That’s just silly! Anyway, that cuts the number in half, making it 6%. And then after taking into account people who are incarcerated, the number drops to 4% – an overwhelming 4% of you standing proud and saying “Bill Clinton, we want you back!”

Then.. subtracting voter error, voter fraud, mechanical error, people who are abroad, people who are hospitalized or unconcious while the polls were open, and our brave men and women in space.. that makes the total number of people who honestly and actively wanted me to be President of the United States.. onw guy – Steve Bilson.

[ show image of the loserly Steve Bilson ]

Steve, I-I appreciate your support.. and I’m gonna send you this hite House ashtray as a token of my gratitude! [ laughs as he holds up the ashtray ] I mean, it doesn’t say “White House” on it, but trust me.. it’s from the White House! So, once again, America – I mean, Steve – thank you. And God bless you all!

[ dissolve to Presidential Seal ]

Announcer: This has been a message from the President of the United States.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 22: Episode 6


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


November 16th, 1996

Robert Downey Jr.

Fiona Apple

None

Lorne Michaels

Bob Dole

Elizabeth Dole

Evander Holyfield
Norm Meets Bob DoleSummary: Bob Dole tells Norm MacDonald to quit doing his impression of him.

Transcript

Montage

Robert Downey Jr.’s MonologueSummary: Robert Downey, Jr. shows incriminating slides from his summer vacation.

Transcript

The SpartansSummary: Craig (Will Ferrell) and Arianna (Cheri Oteri) cheer at the bowling alley.

Recurring Characters: Craig, Arianna.

Transcript

A Message From the President of the United StatesSummary: After eliminating all the people who had to vote for him, President Bill Clinton (Darrell Hammond) thanks the one person who truly voted for him.

Recurring Characters: President Bill Clinton.

Transcript

Don King Press ConferenceSummary: Don King (Tim Meadows) speaks highly of Mike Tyson (Tracy Morgan).

Recurring Characters: Mike Tyson.

Transcript

TV FunhouseSummary: In “Fun With Real Audio”, Rob Smigel mangles interviews featuring participants of the O.J. Simpson trial.

Mr. MusicSummary: D.J. (Robert Downey, Jr.) plays inappropriate music at wedding reception.

CobrasSummary: Gangleader (Norm MacDonald) is baffled when the members of his gang burst into choreographed song and dance.

Transcript

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonaldSummary: Bob Dole prevents Norm MacDonald from telling a joke about him.

Transcript

Fiona Apple performs “Shadowboxer”

Delicious DishSummary: Margaret Jo McCullen (Ana Gasteyer) and Teri Rialto (Molly Shannon) provide dull conversation on their culinary radio program.

Recurring Characters: Margaret Jo McCullen, Teri Rialto.

Transcript

Melanie’s Make Out PartySummary: Mary Katherine Gallagher (Molly Shannon) gets her first kiss from tough guy Brian Mahoney (Robert Downey, Jr.).

Recurring Characters: Melanie, Mary Katherine Gallagher.

The Streets of L.A.Summary: L.A. detective’s (Robert Downey, Jr.) drug banter seems appropriate for Robert Downey, Jr.’s lifestyle.

Transcript

Milsford Spring WaterSummary: Tom Bodet narrates the tale of the lynch mob responsible for great-tasting Milsford bottled water.

Transcript

Shopping At Home NetworkSummary: Don West (Will Ferrell) and Eddie Lewis (Chris Kattan) hard sell a Shaq Plaque.

Recurring Characters: Don West, Eddie Lewis.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 22: Episode 5

96e: Chris Rock / The Wallflowers

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald

…..Norm MacDonald

Announcer: Weekend Update with Norm Macdonald.

[Wild cheers and applause]

[Norm is surprised at the crowd’s reaction]

Norm Macdonald: What a crowd. Oh, my Lord! Thank you.I’m Norm Macdonald. Now the fake news. Our top storytonight:

[Image of Bill Clinton and Bob DoleCaption:Decision 96] yesterday in a dramatic finish tohis White House bid Bob Dole began a 96 hour, 15state, non-stop campaign tour that will take him rightthrough Election day. Political experts are callingthe grueling marathon a quote:” last ditch effort”.While medical experts are calling it quote:”a suicideattempt”.

[image of Bob Dole] At a rally in California this week, Dole urged votersto ignore polls which have him trailing PresidentClinton by double digits. In addition, Dole asked toignore newspapers headlines next Wednesday that say”Dole loses in a landslide”.

[image of Asian man] Meanwhile a new development in the case of John Wuang,the mysterious Indonesian acussed of illegally raisingmillions for the Democratic Party. Earlier this week,Secret Service logs show that Mr. Wuang had visitedClinton’s White House more than 60 times. But onFriday, an administration spokesman revealed thatthere are actually two John Wuangs. Furthermore, theystressed that the John Wuang who visited the WhiteHouse is a different man. He isn’t the fundraiser. Heis the guy that killed Vince Foster.

[uneasy laughter]

[image of Mayor Giuliani waving with the Yankees in aparade] Well, the New York Yankees are the 1996 World SeriesChamps [wild cheering] and this week 3 million Yankeefans gather on the streets of New York to honor theirheroes. While their fans were of different ages, racesand religions they shared one thing in common. Theywere all standing in urine.

A giant ticket tape parade left nearly 4 tons ofconfetti on Manhattan streets and sidewalks but NewYork officials do have a plan for dealing with theconfetti. Leaving it there to soak up all the urine. [image of fat dude]

At an emotional press conference this week a nowexonerated Richard Jewell spoke of his ordeal as thechief suspect in the Olympic Park bombing. Quote:”Icouldn’t think straight, I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’teat” he said. Then later he admitted “All right, Icould eat. I couldn’t sleep though, I had trouble…”

[Caption: Business News] In business news, a British company has announced itsintention to purchase telecommunications giant MCI.This after MCI called the British company owner athome 5,000 times.

Ballots will be mailed out next week in the electionfor President of the teamster’s union. With incumbentJohn Kerry squaring off against Jimmy Hoffa Jr. Hoffais eager in following his father’s footsteps exceptthat last footstep where he dissapeared forever.[Normexplains] That’s the last footstep he wants to avoid,just that last one. Otherwise he will….ok.

[image of JFK jr and Caroline Besset] Now that John Kennedy Jr. is a married man, who is theworld’s most eligible bachelor? Well, when reportersasked JFK jr. himself who he thinks is the world’smost eligible bachelor he said:”Actually,[whisper]it’s still me”.

[image of Disneyland] A French goverment survey finds that Disneyland Parisis the most popular tourist attraction in the country.And the most popular ride? “Women who don’t shavetheir armpits of the Carri-be-an”. There’s 2ways–there’s 2 ways to pronounce that and I gotneither.

[image of O.J. Simpson] At the Simpson civil trial this week, O.J. and FredGoldman got into an explosive shouting match. Mr.Goldman belted at O.J. “Don’t give me that damn look”.While O.J. shouted back: “I wasn’t even looking atyou. You’re just mad cause I killed your son”.

[image of elderly reporter Mike Wallace] In the December issue of Playboy 60 Minutes reporterMike Wallace revealed that he has not only smokedmarijuana but that it made him sexually aroused.According to Wallace he made this comments in aneffort to frighten young people off of sex and drugsforever.

[image of paper headline “Dole: I’m strong enough tohandle the pain of losing”.] In an interview this week, Bob Dole said he is strongenough to endure the pain of losing the PresidentialElection. Although he did admit that the shock ofwinning will give him a giant heart attack.

In Detroit under a new prison rehabilitation programcalled “Fresh Start”, employers will get a tax breakif they hire and ex-convict. Employers who hire morethan one ex-convict will get robbed and killed.

[image of Economic Report charts] In economic news, unemployment figures rose slightlyfor the month of October with decline in the Dow Jonesand Nasdaq. The reason for the sudden downturn? Youguessed it. Frank Stallone. [photo of Frank Stallone]

[Newspaper headline: Kurt Freund dies at 82. StudiedDeviant Sexual Arousal] Fianlly, psychiatrist Kurt Freund, one of the world’sleading experts on the study of deviant sexual arousalpassed away at the age of 82. Dr. Freund last wordswere quote: “Whatever happens to me, can someoneplease make sure that the headline of my obituarydoesn’t contain the phrase Deviant Sexual Arousal?[Norm keeps milking the joke] Would that be to much toask from ya’? Ya’ dirty bastards. Can you just…. ok.And that’s it. Hey, vote for Bob Dole. Thanks folks.Good night.

[WU logo]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 22: Episode 5

96e: Chris Rock / The Wallflowers

Perspectives

Lionel Osbourne…..Tim Meadows
Abdul Kareem Gaines…..Chris Rock

[ American flag is shown announcing the end of broadcast day ]

[ WNBC Channel official title card appear ]

V/O : That concludes our broadcast day, but first stay tuned for “Perspectives”.

[ Shot of “Perspectives” set. SUPER: Perspectives ]

V/O : Fulfilling WNBC’s community programming requirements, “Perspectives”, with your host; Lionel Osbourne.

Lionel Osbourne : Good Morning! It’s Sunday 4:43 in the A.M, and this is “Perspectives”! I’m your host Lionel Osbourne. We have a very special guest on our show today, he is Abdul Kareem Gaines, a local community activist, and he is here to talk about the organization that he started after last year’s Million Men March. [ Turns to guest ] Welcome Abdul!

Abdul Kareem Gaines: Thanks for having me on your show Lionel!

Lionel Osbourne : Okay, now you were at the “Million Men March”!

Abdul Kareem Gaines : Yes I was there and I have to say it was in no doubt the most inspirational moment of my lifetime.

Lionel Osbourne : Mm-mm, and where was this held?

Abdul Kareem Gaines : It was in Washington.

Lionel Osbourne : Mm-mm, I see. [ Turns to camera ] If you’re joining us it’s 4:44 in the A.M. you’re watching “Perspectives”. With us is Abdul Kareem Gaines, who was a participant in last year’s “Million Men March” which is held in Washington. [ Turns to guest ] That was D.C?

Abdul Kareem Gaines : Yeah

Lionel Osbourne : Mm-mm. Now, I understand that after last year’s March you founded some sort of self-health organization.

Abdul Kareem Gaines : Yes, see at the March minister Farrakhan talked about the Black men taking responsibility for ourselves and the children we have fathered, so when I got back to New York, me and some of the brothers formed: “The Brotherhood for Responsible Brothers who are Fathers”.

Lionel Osbourne : Mm-mm.. Now how many members do you have in your organization? A Million?

Abdul Kareem Gaines : No Lionel.

Lionel Osbourne : Half a million?

Abdul Kareem Gaines : No. When we started the “Brotherhood for Responsible Brothers who are Fathers” we had two hundreds members but that was right after the March. Currently we have six members.

Lionel Osbourne : I see. And um, and they are all fathers?

Abdul Kareem Gaines : No, two are women, three are actually children and then there’s me!

Lionel Osbourne : Mm-mm… Now I understand that the “The Brotherhood for Responsible Brothers who are Fathers” will be holding his one year anniversary celebration.

Abdul Kareem Gaines : Tuesday!

Lionel Osbourne : Fantastic! And where will that be?

Abdul Kareem Gaines : At my apartment um, unfortunately we lost our original meeting place due to, well, lack of participation.

Lionel Osbourne : Mm-mm. Now if someone wanted to join the “Brotherhood for Brothers who are Responsible Fathers” what would they have to do to qualify, do they have to be black?

Abdul Kareem Gaines : No, we used to allow only blacks, but dude again due to a lack of participation we had to make our organization more inclusive. We now allow white people, and we’re encouraging even the Hispanic community to give us a look.

Lionel Osbourne : That is fantastic!

Abdul Kareem Gaines : Yeah we had to change the rules a little because we had got into a lot of fight with financial support from organizations like the Maryknoll Sisters and the Mount Olive Lutheran Church of Racine, Wisconsin.

Lionel Osbourne : Fantastic! [ Turns to camera ] If you’re joining us it’s 4:47 in the A.M and you’re watching “Perspectives”. I’m your host Lionel Osbourne, and my guest today is Abdul Kareem Gaines, founder of the “The Brotherhood for Responsible Brothers who are Fathers”. They’re celebrating their first anniversary this week, which will be held at Abdul’s apartment. Everyone is welcome to attend and anyone can join!

Abdul Kareem Gaines : No Asian!

Lionel Osbourne : That’s fantastic! Now are you a father Abdul?

Abdul Kareem Gaines : Yes, I have three boys!

Lionel Osbourne : Mm-mm, and are they involved in the “Brotherhood”?

Abdul Kareem Gaines : No, my son Kareem Junior lives currently in another state – I believe – um, my other boy Andre’s mother won’t talk to me so I lost track of him and um, my other son Tray is dead!

Lionel Osbourne : Terrific! [ Turns to camera ] If you’re joining us it’s 4:51 in the A.M and you’re watching “Perspectives”. I’m Lionel Osbourne and we’re with community activist Abdul Kareem Gaines, founder of “The Brotherhood for Responsible Brothers who are Fathers”. They’re celebrating their first anniversary this week, all are welcomed and their son is dead. [ Turns to guest ] Now you said that you were at the “Million Men March” right?

Abdul Kareem Gaines : Yes Lionel

Lionel Osbourne : How Many people were there?

Abdul Kareem Gaines : …A Million!

Lionel Osbourne : And um, this was mostly men?

Abdul Kareem Gaines : Yes… That’s why they call it the “Million Men March”!

Lionel Osbourne : Ah! Touché!

Abdul Kareem Gaines : Ah were you there? Lionel?

Lionel Osbourne : No…

Abdul Kareem Gaines : Why not?

Lionel Osbourne : I didn’t know about it… [ Ending music starts ] Well that’s all the time we have this morning. This has been “Perspectives” I’m Lionel Osbourne, I’d like to thank my guest Abdul Kareem Gaines; founder of “The Brotherhood for Responsible Brothers who are Fathers” for joining me. I’d like to let our loyal viewers know that next week, “Perspectives” will be on at 8’o’clock P.M. the first time ever we’re being broadcast in prime time [ Receives a note from studio crew member ] Fantastic! We’ll be on at our regular time of 4:42 in the A.M. This has been “Perspectives”. [ Turns to guest ] Thank you for coming on the show!

[ Fade out ]

Submitted by: P-Y

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 22: Episode 5

96e: Chris Rock / The Wallflowers

The Dark Side with Nat X

Nat X…..Chris Rock
Jesse Jackson…..Darrell Hammond
Tori Spelling…..Cheri Oteri
Mike Tyson…..Tracy Morgan

Announcer: Live, from Compton, California, BET TV – that’s Black Entertainment Television – presents “The Dark Side with Nat X”. The only show on TV strictly for the brothers, written by a brother, produced by a brother, that’s not a Wayans brother. Now, get ready for a man who’s so black, they counted him four times in the million man march. ‘Cause here comes Nat!

Nat X: Peace, brothers and sisters. I’m Nat X, and welcome to “The Dark Side”, the only 15-minute show on TV. Why only 15 minutes? ‘Cause if the man gave me any more, he would consider that welfare. And I think we all know who the man is. I’m talkin’ about the man who said Sinbad makes bad movies, but then gave Greg Kinnear a three-picture deal. I’m talkin’ about the same man who invented white-out. A tricky substance that only eliminates black letters.

So what’s going on in the news today? Same thing every day: O.J. Black people too happy, white people too mad. I haven’t seen that many mad white people since they cancelled M.A.S.H. Everybody “Hey look at all them black people too happy talkin’ about “Look what we won! We won, we won!” Hey – what we won? I ain’t get nothin’ yet! Every day Nat X look in his mailbox – nothin’ in there. Where my O.J. prize? O.K.? Everybody talkin’ about its about race, it’s about race. That’s a bunch of crap. It’s about fame. ‘Cause if O.J. wasn’t famous he’d be in jail right now. That’s right — If O.J. drove a bus he wouldn’t even be O.J. He’d be Orenthal the bus driving murder.
[ The White-Man Cam suddenly comes on, zooming in for a close-up of Nat, and placing the image of jailbars in front of him ]
OH! OH! Somebody call Johnny Cochran! Call Johnny Cochran!
[ White-Man Cam cameraman walks away ]
Whooooo! I haven’t had that much fun since I let Rick James braid my hair. Alright, alright. Time for the top 5. Why only 5? ‘Cause the man wants to deprive me of 10.

Tonight – the Top 5 reasons not to see Whoppi Goldberg’s new movie “The Associate”: Reason number 5: “Jumpin’ Jack Flash”. Reason number 4: “Burglar”. Reason number 3: “Sister Act 2”. Reason number 2: “Eddie”. And the number one reason not see Whoopi Goldberg’s new movie: Whoopi’s in it!

And that’s the top 5 for tonight. Let me hurry up with the show before the man replaces me with a Dion Warwick infomercial. My first guest tonight is one of the leaders of the Democratic Party. Please welcome the Reverend Jesse Jackson. [Jesse Jackson enters to Rick Springfield’s “Jesse’s Girl] Sit your Rainbow Coalition ass down. [Jackson sits] Now Jesse, Jesse, Jesse: 8 years ago you was almost President. Almost President! Now the last time I saw ya, you’re playing a crackhead on New York Undercover. What the hell happened?

Jesse Jackson: Who can answer such a speculative question? That’s nearly becoming the position of the day. I only know that your last name…your last name X, is a symbol, of which all African Americans from old Mississippi preachers to the Yankee Stadium bleachers. From the topper down, not the bottom up. Gibbety gibbety. Rat-a-tat-tat. I’m talkin’ about X. X as in great civil rights leader Malcom X. X as in 5-star Las Vegas hotel, Excalibur. X as in X-files, or the show Extra!, which is better than Inside Edition. X as in the movie Exorcist 3. X as in the band X, and not the Brand X. The X man, NightCrawler and Colossus. X as in I’ll..take..Charlie..Weaver…to block!

Nat X: Are you out your mind Jessie? How about X as in excruciating to listen to. How about X as excuse yourself and exit off my show or I’m a put my foot in your X’in behind! My next guest just starred in a TV movie of the week. Please welcome Tori Spelling. [Tori Spelling enters to the theme from Beverly Hills 90210] Sit your rich, white ass down. [Spelling sits]

Tori Spelling: Hi Nat! It’s good to be here, how are you?

Nat X: Look, don’t come here a kissin’ my behind. The only reason you’re here is ‘cause your daddy paid me, O.K.? Now I saw your movie of the week.

Tori Spelling: Oh thanks, did you like it?

Nat X: Did I like it? Let me put it this way: I’ve seen better actin in a [bleepin] whorehouse! Alright? I’ve seen better actin’ in tough actin’ Tinactin.

Tori Spelling: Well well, so what’s with your Afro? You look, you look like Dwayne from “What’s Happening!!”!

Nat X: Don’t you talk about Hayward Nelson. All right Cracker Girl, I’ll tell you what’s happenin’. Hey – this ain’t Beverly Hills 9021-HO! You’re gonna shut up. Get – Scoot over! [Spelling moves over 1 seat] Yeah. Now my next guest is the heavyweight champion of the world, please welcome Iron Mike Tyson. [Mike Tyson enters] Sit your convicted felon ass down. [Tyson sits]

Mike Tyson: [High-pitched voice] [Unintelligible]…Nat, it’s an honor to make your acquaintance.

Nat X: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I just got one thing to say: keep your hands off the white girl. You’re gonna get us all killed in here. Now Mike uh… I understand you’re fightin’ Evander Holyfield next week. Any predictions?

Mike Tyson: Actually Nat, I’ve been doing a considerable amount of self-reflection…in an attempt to achieve inner peace for myself. You know what I’m sayin’. You know what I mean? Any individual I fight will be in for a considerable amount of cranium damage. You know what I’m sayin’. You know what I mean?

Nat X: Mike, nobody knows what the hell you’re saying!

Mike Tyson: Don’t make me unleash a pummeling on you Nat.

Nat X: Oh, you gonna hit me? Hey I ain’t no Mitch Blood Green now. Hey – I’ll beat your ass so bad you’ll be the only guy in heaven with a wheelchair. All right we got to go right now, but tune in next week when my guest will be Gene Gene the Dancing Machine! from the Gong Show. Peace! Take care.

Announcer: Guests of the Dark Side stay at Riker’s Island.

[ fade out ]

Submitted by: Diamond Jim

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 22: Episode 5

96e: Chris Rock / The Wallflowers

Chris Rock’s Monologue

…..Chris Rock

Chris Rock: What’s up! Good to be back – I live here! So, I guess it’s not good to be back. It’s good to be here – my alma mater. This is where it all started. You know, I’ve been doing a lot of things the last couple of years – doing commercials, L’il Penny, stand-up. What makes me the most happy is doing stand-up – you know, the road, going on tour, checking out America! There’s no more America! Remember when you were a kid, there’d by an America? You’d go see your Grandma, and go to her little town? There’s no more little towns – it’s all malls! And they’re all the same! The mall in St. Louis is the same mall in Detroit.. it’s got the same Gap, Banana Republic, Chess King, Sunglasses Hut, all the same crap! And every town’s got tow malls! They’ve got the white mall, and the mall white people used to go to. ‘Cause they’re ain’t nothing in the black mall! Nothing but sneakers and baby clothes!

So, we got a big election coming up. Who’s gonna win – Bill or Bob? Does it really matter? Is there anything you can’t do on Wednesday ’cause your guy didn’t win? “The A Train ain’t running – Dole won.” No! Nothing you can’t do. I like Clinton. You know why I like Clinton? Because he’s got real problems. No, he don’t got President problems, he’s got real problems, like you and me: he’s running out of money, his wife’s a pain in the ass, all his friends are gonig to jail.. I know Bill Clinton. I am Bil Clinton! And they’re always trying to get Clinton. It’s almost as if we have a black President! They second-guess everything he does. Really, you would think he’s black! And they’re always trying to get him with sexual harassment. Sexual harrassment! What is sexual harassment?! What’s the difference between sexual harrassment and just being an idiot? I mean, if my father didn’t harrass my mother, I wouldn’t be here! I mean, I understand some sexual harrassment.. if a man is your boss and says, “Hey, sleep with me, or you’re fired.” That’s sexual harrassment. And that’s the only thing that’s seual harrassment! Everything else falls under “Just trying to get laid.” You can’t put a man in jail for that! I don’t care how hard he tries, that’s all he was trying to do! Anita Hill started this whole thing. It’s all about looks, you know? Because if Clarence Thomas looked like Denzel Washington, this would have never happened! She’d be all, “Oh, stop it, Clarence, you nasty! Your fine self!” So, what’s sexual harrassment, when an ugly man wants some? “Oh, he ugly! Call the police! Call the authority!”

The other thing they’ve been trying to get Clinton on is gays in the military. Everybody’s all homophobic – “Ooh, don’t let him in..” Hey! If they want to fight, let ’em fight, ’cause I ain’t fighting! I wouldn’t care if I saw a Russian tank on Flatbush Avenue. I’m not fighting nobody! And everybody’s so homophobic – everybody in this room has at least a gay cousin! All of you, thinking about it right now. Some of you got gay daddies! I got a gay uncle – I call him “Aunt Tom”. I love my Aunt Tom. I know right now, if I was in a fight, Aunt Tom would come in here, take off his pumps and whoop some ass!

You want to vote for somebody that’s gonna change the world? You know what I mean? You don’t want to just waste your vote. Everybody talks about making taxes lower.. I don’t mind the taxes if they go to the right place, you know what I mean? It’s sad that your taxes don’t cover any medical. No medical! I think doctors make too much money. You know why? Because they don’t cure anything! Everything they cured, they cured 50 years ago! They ain’t cured nothing in a long time, man! Diseases are just piling up, man! You got cancer, and sickle cell.. Jerry’s Kids still limping around. Come on, man! Get rid of something! Some diseases they just gave up on! They just said “The hell with it!” You know, like blindness. If you go blind, they don’t got nothing for you! If you go to a doctor and tell him that you’re blind, they say, “Hey, why don’t you get this dog to drag your blind ass around?” What kind of cure is that?! Where’s the medicine? Where’s the science? “I’m blind! I can’t see!” There’s people that can see that can’t handle a dog! Come on, give me a midget, or something! Hey! We got a really great show tonight! The Wallflowers are here, so stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 22: Episode 5

96e: Chris Rock / The Wallflowers

My Son, College Graduate

Father…..Chris Rock
Son…..Tim Meadows
Granddad…..Tracy Morgan

[ open on college graduation party coming to an end, as the guests exit the Gilmore apartment. Alone at last, Father turns to Son to express his sentiments. ]

Father: Son, Son.. I’m so proud of you! The first Gilmore to graduate from college! You don’t know how good that makes me feel, boy! [ hugs Son ]

Son: Thanks, Dad! I tell you, it’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me! I’m.. I’m ecstatic!

Father: Ec-static?

Son: Yeah.

Father: Is something they teach you up there, in that fancy school? Ec-static! Oh, I guess you’re a college graduate, you gotta use big words now, huh! You can’t just be happy like the rest of us! Oh, “happy” don’t got enough letters in it for you! No, you ec-static!

Son: No, Dad, I wasn’t trying to show off. I’m really happy to graduate, and I’m really happy to be home, that’s all.

Father: [ smiling ] Son, you don’t know how good it makes me feel to hear a big word like that out of somebody in this family! [ hugs Son again ]

Son: Thanks, Dad. So, uh.. you want to watch some TV, or something? Catch the news?

Father: News! Oh, watch the news, huh? Is that something you learned about in that fancy college of yours? Oh, you watch the News now! You can’t watch the test pattern like the rest of the family now! No, that’s right, you a scholar! Right? You gotta watch the News, keep up on current events and stuff! Mmm-mmm-mmm! Well, ex-cuuuuuse me!

Son: Come on, Dad, I’m not saying that! You act like somebody’s trying to call you ignorant, or something!

Father: Ignorant! Oh, I’m not dumb, no! Can’t be stupid, no! Can’t be a fool, no! Got to be ignorant! What’s wrong with fool, huh? I guess I’m four more letters than a fool, huh?

Son: Alright, Dad, look.. I’m sorry. You’re a fool, alright? You’re a fool.

Father: Oh, my Son! College graduate! Called me a fool! [ hugs Son ] You don’t know how good that makes me feel!

Son: So, you want something to drink? You fool?

Father: Don’t mind if I do! [ Son pours punch into a cup ] Look at my boy, a genius! Mr. Sigma Cum Laude! Using a glass! Wow! You know, you can’t use your hands like the rest of the family. No! You go to that big ol’ college! You got a college degree, so you gotta use a glass! Mmm-mmm-mmm!

[ phone rings ]

Son: [ picks up phone ] Hello?

Father: Whoaaaa! Picked up the phone!

Son: [ confused ] What?

Father: Where you learn that from, Boy!

Son: [ into phone ] Hold on..

Father: At your fancy college? Oh, you’re smarter than us! We didn’t know what the hell that thing was! Oh, we let it ring for years and years! Almost threw it in the fire!

Son: [ into phone ] Listen, I can’t talk right now, Sweetheart. I have to call you back. Okay, Sweetheart?

Father: Whoo! Sweetheart! Sweet–heart! That something you learned up in that fancy college? Oh, you can’t call her Baby! You know, Baby was good enough for your Momma!

Son: Look, Dad, why do you always do this to me? Every year since I’ve been going to college, whenever I come home, you always tell me how proud you are, and then you make me feel guilty! I mean, these are words you can find in a thesaurus, you know!

Father: [ angry ] THESAURUS?! Boy, you curse at me again, I’ll WHOOP your ASS!

Granddad: [ enters room ] Whoa, whoa, whoa! What’s going on in here? Now, Junior, don’t you talk to your Pappy like that!

Son: Alright, Granddad, you’re right. I’m sorry, Dad.

Father: Son, I’m sorry, too. [ hugs Son ] You don’t know.. it’s just, sometimes, I wish I had the same opportunities you had. you know? I didn’t go to no ol’ fancy schools, with the pens with all the ink in ’em! No, we didn’t have ink in our schools, no! And we didn’t have the fancy math, like you, you know? We didn’t have eights, you know? You know how hard it is to count your change without an eight?

Granddad: [ riled up ] Eight! Eight! Now, there you go, counting again! The rest of us around here are just trying to walk upright! At least you ain’t standing on fire! [ bends over punchbowl, scoops up punch in his hands and drinks ]

[ Father and Son stare at Granddad in bewilderment, as the scene closes ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 22: Episode 5

96e: Chris Rock / The Wallflowers

Excedril

Joseph Karen…..Will Ferrell
Dr. Matthew Walsh…..Stephen Colbert
Mary Risinger…..Molly Shannon

Joseph Karen: A lot of pain relievers try to impress you with fancy medical evidence and research. But when you’ve got a headache, scientific mumble-jumble is the last thing you want to hear.

Announcer: Joseph Karen, Excedril user.

Joseph Karen: That’s why I take Excedril. Excedril’s the most powerful pain reliever available, and there’s absolutely no medical evidence to prove it.

Announcer: Excedril is the only pain reliever available without any scientific evidence to say what it can or can’t do. You might say that putsExcedril beyond mere science. The leading pain relievers work well, until their scientific evidence kicks in. But we at Excedril don’t let any eggheads boss us around.

[ SUPER: “Dr. Matthew Walsh, Egghead Scientist” ] Dr. Matthew Walsh, Egghead Scientist.

Dr. Matthew Walsh: I cannot recommend this medication. for any purpose.

Announcer: You’re darn right you can’t! But try telling that to Mary Risinger, Ecedril user since 1984.

Mary Risinger: Excedril’s great for headaches. But I also use it any time my husband and I have unprotected sex. I know what you’re thinking – there’s no scientif-ic evidence that says Excedril can be used as an effective birth control. But I’m no scientist. I’m just glad that I’ve found a pain reliever that can kill the tiny babies that live in my husband’s sperm.

Announcer: Excedril. Skip the science… go straight to relief.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 22: Episode 5

96e: Chris Rock / The Wallflowers

Russell Simmons’ Def Emergency Room Jam

Doctor…..Chris Rock

[ open on doctors rushing a dying patient into the emergency room ]

Doctor: Scalpel! Scalpel! [ yelling ] Can a nigger get a SCALPEL up in this [ bleep ]!! [ the wrong instrument is handed to him ] I said SCALPEL, you [ bleep ] [ bleep ] [ bleep ]

[ SUPER: “Russell Simmons’ Def Emergency Room Jam” ]

Announcer: Yo! It’s “Russell Simmons’ Def Emergency Room Jam”.

Doctor: Come on! [ opens patient’s chest ] Damn, nigger! What you been eating, arteries all clogged up and [ bleep ]! He’s dead?! No bull.. [ bleep ]! [ bleep ] [ bleep ] [ bleep ] Get this DEAD mother [ bleep ] [ bleep ] out of here! And WHICH one of you nurses is gonna [ bleep ] my [ bleep ]?!

Announcer: “Russell Simmons’ Def Emergency Room Jam”. Only on HBO.

[ fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 22: Episode 5


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


November 2nd, 1996

Chris Rock

The Wallflowers

Dana Carvey

Stephen Colbert

Abe Vigoda
The Fishing DockSummary: Former president George Bush (Dana Carvey) meets Republican nominee Bob Dole (Norm MacDonald) on the dock and gives him a pep dock in preparation of his impending election loss.

Recurring Characters: George Bush, Bob Dole, President Bill Clinton.

Montage

Chris Rock’s MonologueSummary: Chris Rock performs a stand-up routine on topics that include President Bill Clinton and sexual harassment.

Transcript

ExcedrilSummary: For those who use Excedril, the pain reliever’s lack of scientific evidence makes it more valuable.

Transcript

I’m Chillin’Summary: Despite the departure of B-Fats, Onski (Chris Rock) plays videos with new co-host B Real (Jim Breuer).

Recurring Characters: Onski.

Dole/Kemp ’96Summary: A Black Guy (Tim Meadows), a Woman (Molly Shanno), and a Gay Man (Mark McKinney) advise that Bob Dole can’t win the election if nobody bothers to vote.

The Dark Side with Nat XSummary: Nat X (Chris Rock) makes fun of Tori Spelling (Cheri Oteri), Jesse Jackson (Darrell Hammond), and Mike Tyson (Tracy Morgan).

Recurring Characters: Nat X, Jesse Jackson, Tori Spelling, Mike Tyson.

Transcript

Mark Russell’s Election Year Comedy SpecialSummary: Mark Russell’s (Mark McKinney) song parodies aren’t much, but they’re on the mark!

Charles GrodinSummary: Charles Grodin (Dana Carvey) previews other celebrity-hosted political talk shows.

Recurring Characters: Richard Dreyfuss, Nipsey Russell.

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonaldTranscript

The Wallflowers performs “One Headlight”

TV FunhouseSummary: The Ambiguously Gay Duo battle Big Head and Queen Serena in “Queen of Terror”.

Dole’s SpeechesSummary: Bob Dole (Norm MacDonald) rehearses his victory speech for when he wins the presidency, until Lorne Michaels advises Norm MacDonald that it’s inevitably time to give up this impression.

Recurring Characters: Bob Dole, Elizabeth Dole.

My Son, College GraduateSummary: College graduate’s (Tim Meadows) dad (Chris Rock) and Granddad (Tracy Morgan) make fun of him for getting an education.

Transcript

The CulpsSummary: Music teachers Marty Culp (Will Ferrell) and Bobbie Mohan-Culp (Ana Gasteyer) sing a medley.

Recurring Characters: Marty Culp, Bobbi Mohan-Culp.

Russell Simmons’ Def Emergency Room JamSummary: A foul-mouthed doctor (Chris Rock) receives the censor’s cuts.

Transcript

PerspectivesSummary: Lionel Osbourne (Tim Meadows) interviews Million Man marcher Abdul Kareem Gaines (Chris Rock).

Recurring Characters: Lionel Osbourne.

Transcript

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts