Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.
Shaun Mondavi…..Will Ferrell Robert Mondavi…..John Goodman Mrs. Mondavi…..Molly Shannon
(Scenic views over a wine vineyard and a slow motion pour of red wine from a wine glass can be seen while Shaun Mondavi’s voice is heard.)
Shaun Mondavi V/O: Wine. There’s nothing like it. As Sir Edwin Malebar once wrote: It can elevate the soul.
Shaun Mondavi: Hi. I’m Shaun Mondavi. For years, my stepfather, Robert Mondavi, has made some of the finest wines in the world. And the Mondavi heritage of fine wine making is alive and well, here, at Shaun Mondavi Vineyards.
(He takes a sip from wine glass and visibly grimaces at the taste.)
Shaun Mondavi: That’s right. For nearly a tenth of a half of a century, Shaun Mondavi wine has been associated with quality.
Four years ago, when I told my Dad I wanted to own my own vineyard, he said, “First of all, don’t call me Dad. You’re 27 and this is the second time I’ve ever met you. Second, no you can’t own a vineyard. You’re a convicted felon and your Mother told me you have a learning disability.”
Well guess what Dad? You were wrong…about some of that stuff.
(He takes another drink from the wine glass and grimaces again at the taste.)
Shaun Mondavi: And today, at Shaun Mondavi wine place, we are committed to the best wine-ing techniques around. Like the time-honored aging process. And nothing ages wine like a hot 3 hour van ride from our wine factory in San Jose, straight to your mouth. That’s right. When a van with a cactus airbrushed on the side pulls up outside your house, and a guy with a “fu-manchu” mustache hands you a case of Coke bottles filled with wine, you know you’re in Shaun Mondavi country: the San Jose metropolitan area.
(He takes another sip and moans aloud at the terrible taste.)
Shaun Mondavi: The classic balance between wine and food is an integral part of the Shaun Mondavi experience. Whether you’re having Steak-Ums or tacos or you can’t afford food, you’ll want a 2 liter Mountain Dew bottle filled with Shaun Mondavi’s reddish-style wine drink. You won’t be disappointed.
(He takes another drink and starts getting dry heaves from the bad taste. His Step dad walks into the scene.)
Robert Mondavi: What the hell are you doing out here, Shaun?
Shaun Mondavi: I’m shooting a commercial for my wine. Are you jealous Dad?
Robert Mondavi: That’s Mr. Mondavi, punk, and your not welcome on my property. I won’t have you stealing from your mother again.
(Robert picks Shaun up by the back of the neck.)
Shaun Mondavi: (yells) MOM! MOM!
(Mother rushes in.)
Mrs. Mondavi: Shaun, please leave. I can’t trust you anymore. Just go. Get out of here. Go!
Shaun Mondavi: (whining) Can’t I just have a hundred grand for my own wine vineyard?
(Robert takes a drink from the wine glass and immediately spits it out.)
Robert Mondavi: This isn’t wine! (sniffing the drink) It’s tequila and 5-Alive and those little marshmallows you put in cocoa.
Shaun Mondavi: …And fish and seawater. (playing toward the camera) It’s Shaun Mondavi’s finest vintage.
Robert Mondavi: How dare you use that name, you son-of-a-bitch. Your last name is Holdger.
Shaun Mondavi: My Dad was a hero! He died in the Navy!
Robert Mondavi: HA! The hell he did. I’ll tell you who your Father was.
Mrs. Mondavi: No! Robert, don’t!
Robert Mondavi: Your father was a hobo…
Shaun Mondavi: No…
Robert Mondavi: with a bottle of chloroform…
Shaun Mondavi: No! I’m going to kill you!!
(Shaun takes a lunge at Robert, but gets a punch in the gut, instead.)
Robert Mondavi: I want you out of here now!
Shaun Mondavi: (crying, and trying to hug Robert) I love you, Daddy, I love you!
Robert Mondavi: (fighting him off) I’m not your father.
Shaun Mondavi: I wanna make you you proud with my wine.
Robert Mondavi: I’m not your father!
(The camera pans down to a close up of the Mountain Dew bottle with a cheap handwritten Mondavi Vineyard logo taped to the side.)
Narrator V/O: Shaun Mondavi Vineyards. For when excellence and burnished fineries need to gently visit the warmth of your tablery.What the hell does that mean?
…..John Goodman Female Audience Member #1…..Paula Pell Female Audience Member #2…..Tina Fey …..Jimmy Fallon …..Lorne Michaels
John Goodman: Thanks very much, thanks a lot! It is great to be back here in New York City hosing “Saturday Night Live”! I’m really excited to be back here, I have had a great year..
Female Audience Member #1: Excuse me? Mr. Goodman? Can I ask a question?
John Goodman: Sure.
Female Audience Member #1: Is this is a rerun?
John Goodman: Pardon?
Female Audience Member #1: I think I’ve seen this show before. This is a repeat, right.
John Goodman: Look, you might be confused because I’ve hosted the show ten times, but I promise you it’s a new show.
Female Audience Member #1: Who’s the musical guest?
John Goodman: Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers.
Female Audience Member #1: I knew it! I’ve seen that one before. Come on, we’re out of here..
John Goodman: Listen! The fact that you’re stopping the monologue to ask this question proves that it’s a new show!
Female Audience Member #1: But I asked this question back in 1991. You and Tom Petty, I’ve seen it.
John Goodman: Wait, wait, wait.. Although we are both.. established performers, this is a not a rerun. You’re mistaken.
Female Audience Member #2: I don’t think she is. I’ve seen this one, too. It’s a good one. You were funny, and Tom Petty played “Freefallin'”, I really liked it.
John Goodman: I promise you this is a new episode. Wait a minute.. [ grabs a newspaper ] ..here’s a newspaper, look.. April 10th, 1999.. April 10th, 1999..
Female Audience Member #1: That’s just one of those fake papers you get in Times Square. I’ve got one, too. Look. [ holds up paper reading “This is a Rerun From 1991” ]
John Goodman: This is not a rerun! [ looks offstage ] Jimmy! Here’s Jimmy Fallon, he’s a new castmember. Jimmy, tell the folks about tonight’s show.
Jimmy Fallon: Oh, it’s a great show. John Goodman and Tom Petty. Yeah, I remember I was in the 8th grade when it first ran. I said, “One day, I’m gonna be on that show!”
John Goodman: Jimmy, it’s a new show.
Jimmy Fallon: [ laughs ] Good one! I think my favorite part was when Lorne came out and told you to wrap up the monologue and get on with the show!
Lorne Michaels: John, will you wrap up the monologue and get to the show?
Jimmy Fallon: See?
John Goodman: I don’t care what anyone says, this is a new show. Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers are here. So stick around, because this is not a rerun from 1991!
…..Colin Quinn …..Tracy Morgan Collette Reardon…..Cheri Oteri
[fade up to New York City skyline with smokestacks]
Voiceover: And now, from the news capital of the world, it’s Weekend Update with Colin Quinn!
[dissolve to Colin at the Update desk]
Colin Quinn: Oh, ho! Thank you folks! Hi, I’m Colin Quinn. Thank you! Na…ah ha!
According to recent polls, a growing number of Americans are in favor of sending ground troops to Kosovo. And it should be noted that a hundred percent of those polled are not in the armed forces.
U.S. and NATO officials announced this week that the U.S. has taken 20,000 ethnic Albanian refugees to help ease Europe’s worst humanitarian catastrophe since World War II. However, U.S. immigration officials stressed that there is a limit to what America can handle. [photo of Roberto Benigni]
Today, President Clinton took a day off from dealing with NATO’s bombing of Kosovo and spent it playing golf at Camp David. After his round, a refreshed President told reporters, “You know, O.J.’s right. This game does take your mind off killing people.”
When President Clinton met with Chinese premier Zhu Rongji, he had planned to criticize the Chinese leader for his country’s human rights violations. Until Al Gore told him, “Hey, be cool. I need illegal contributions for my campaign too, you know.”
This week, the president of Taiwan reaffirmed the island nation’s demand to be recognized as an equal to its giant rival, China. The collective response from the United Nations was, “Come on.”
Liddy Dole declared this week that she opposed abortion, except in the case of rape, incest, and when the woman’s life is threatened. It should be noted these are also her views on sex.
A possible mistrial in the Whitewater case against Susan McDougal occurred Friday when a juror brought a law book into the jury room. The judge was upset, saying he didn’t “want any of that law stuff influencing the jurors.”
Presidential hopeful Dan Quayle has been critical of NATO, and demanded to know when they dropped the “E.” [cheers and applause]
Now, here to talk…about the latest in hip-hop fashion, is “Weekend Update” correspondent Tracy Morgan.
[pan over to Tracy, who is wearing a red FUBU sweatshirt]
Tracy Morgan: Thanks, Colin! Thanks, man. Check out this cool shirt I’m wearin’ — it’s by a company called FUBU. [fade up caption “FUBU/For Us, By Us] FUBU means “For Us, By Us.” And that’s [fade out caption] because these clothes are designed by black people for black people. And I think it’s about time, because we’ve been the puppets of the fashion industry for too long.
Because before FUBU, all Nike gave us was FUBAK: [fade up caption “FUBAK/For Us By Asian Kids”] For Us By Asian Kids.
And for [fade out caption] all y’all runnin’ around buying up Tommy Hilfiger gear, remember that stuff FU – is FUBRAWD: [fade up caption “FUBRAWD/For Us Blacks By A Rich-Ass White Dude”] For Us Blacks By A Rich-Ass White Dude….Believe me, [fade out caption] before we started buying all his clothes, the only – only time Tommy Hilfiger ever saw a black dude was on a Lionel Richie album cover.
And now my kids all want Timberland boots. Here we go. Timberland boots are D’FRYCKBWEBEN: [fade up caption “D’FRYCKBWEBEN: Designed For Yuppie Rock Climbers, But Worn Exclusively By Negroes”] Designed for Yuppie Rock Climbers, But Worn Exclusively By Negroes. [shakes head; some applause, fade out caption]
Then yesterday my wife told me she wanted a Prada bag. I told her Prada bags were FUJU – [fade up caption “FUHABJAP: For Halle Berry and Jada Pinkett] FUHABJAP: For Halle Berry and Jada Pinkett only. So don’t axe me for one again until you start looking like them.
Anyway, I’m not saying that the races have to stay totally separate, I’m just saying…that I don’t think there’s been a fair exchange so far. Look at the stuff the black community has created that’s for you, by us. [fade up caption “FYBU/Jazz, The NBA, Will Smith] We gave you jazz, the NBA, a – and Will Smith. [fade out caption] And what have you come up with especially for us? Malt liquor, [fade up caption “FUBY/Malt Liquor, Kool Cigarettes, The McRib Sandwich] Kool cigarettes and the – and the McRib Sandwich. [looks off to the side in disgust; some applause, fade out caption]
I mean, we desire reparation, so I – I guess, uh, what I’m trying to say is, uh, [to Colin] give me a hundred dollars.
Colin: Get outta here! [Tracy gives him a surprised and disappointed look] Tracy Morgan, everybody!
Tracy: FUBU. Buy some FUBU.
The Ringling Brothers-Barnum and Bailey Circus, which is now at Madison Square Garden, has the first black ringmaster in its history: Johnathan Lee Iverson. Iverson says he loves life in the circus; the thrills, the excitement, the fat lady’s ass….Ooo!
In Moscow this week, Lenin’s embalmed body is back on display in Red Square after a month of being cleaned and refurbished. The method employed to cleanse Lenin’s corpse is the same system used to prepare Cher for the “Believe” video. [some applause]
At the Pope’s Easter mass last Sunday, there was an estimated 40-minute wait on line for communion. Except for those Catholics who had E-ZPass.
It was announced this week that Paul Simon and Bob Dylan will tour together this summer. Simon and Dylan are expected to outdraw the hastily thrown together rival tour, Garfunkelpalooza.
Julie Krone, thoroughbred racing’s most successful female jockey, announced her retirement this week at the age of 35. Friends say Krone now wants to focus on her lifelong dream of getting her period.
According to a BBC Radio poll, the top – top song of the century is the Beatles’ “Yesterday”…followed by “Bridge Over Troubled Waters” and “White Christmas.” Last on the list: any song with the words “achy” or “breaky” in it.
Because of the risque photos of teen pop singer Britney Spears in a recent issue of Rolling Stone magazine, Nestle may back out of sponsoring her summer concert tour. But the tour will go on after lining up [photo of Bill Clinton] a new sponsor.
Charlize Theron is upset about appearing nude in this month’s issue of Playboy, saying she intended the photos for her private use. I guess that makes two of us.
And last week, Al Gore celebrated his 51st birthday at a private White House ceremony. Gore was given a cake, blew out the candles, and made a wish. [photo of New York Times headline that reads “Republicans Nominate Quayle”]
Allergy season is here, and advertisers are inundating us with ads for new prescription drug remedies. Here to clear things up is our resident prescription drug expert, Collette Reardon.
[pan over to Collette, a middle-aged, heavily drug-induced woman with several bottles of prescription drugs in front of her]
Collette Reardon: Hi, Col! Col, can you believe all the choices out there for allergy relief, huh? It’s a good time to be medicated! Good time! Good time! You got Allegra, Tavist-D, Zyrtec, little Joanie London’s got my head spinnin’ about Claritin-D — it’s all good!
Colin: [nodding] So I see.
Collette: But, heck! Allergy season! Allergies can be brutal, especially around the holidays, Col. And this last one — what a doozy!
Colin: You mean Easter?
Collette:That’s her!…I get to the Easter parade, right? I’m sportin’ my best bonnet. But I’m worried about my itchy eyes acting up, Col! So I take a fistful of Allegra, along with 2,000 millies of Percodan, [shows her bandaged right index finger] for my finger!
Colin: [a little confused] Of course.
Collette:: Right. Well, I must’ve been about as high as a hot air balloon in the clearing nest, ’cause the next thing, I’m riding piggy-back on a tuba player from the Loyola marching band, Col! [laughs, then waves to an audience member] Hi, Kev!…Well…Col, apparently peach schnapps doesn’t mix well with the Darvon drip I take for my runny nose.
Colin: A Darvon drip for a runny nose? Ever try Kleenex?
Collette:Ha HAH!
Colin: I’m serious!
Collette: So later on…later on that day, they tell me that in mah stupor I cut up about four police officers and tried to restrain them. Next morning, I’m waking up at the NYPD hotel and casino, feeling a little like MacKenzie Phillips circa 1983, Col! [laughs]…Luckily, I had a – I – I had a pocketful of Benzadrene, chased that with some codeine eye drops, and guess who was on time for her Monday morning Pap smear?
Colin: I – I’m guessing you.
Collette:You’re guessing right! [laughs] And…I’m happy to say that I passed the smear with [swings her arms like a champion] flying colors.…Thanks to my OB/GYN, friend, and lover, Dr. van Cleef Arpill! Good hands, good hands!
Colin: Well, uh…congratulations, Mrs. Reardon.
Collette: [eyeing Colin] That’s Ms. Reardon, sausage smuggler. [applies lipstick harriedly]…Say, Col…the Puerto [Spanish accent] Rican Day parade is just around the corner. How ’bout you meet me for some fried dough at the porta-potty on 83rd and 5th?
Colin: [playing along] Yeah, sure. I’ll be there. Collette Reardon, everybody. [Collette laughs, then grabs her drugs and goes over to Colin] I’m Colin Quinn. That’s my story, and I’m stickin’ to it.
Collette: You stick to it! [Colin laughs] You stick to it! [leaves]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 24: Episode 18 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
May 8th, 1999 Cuba Gooding, Jr. Ricky Martin None Monica Lewinsky Tina Fey John Goodman Lorne Michaels Clinton’s DreamSummary: Bill Clinton (Darrell Hammond) imagines his post-presidential life with his second wife, Monica Lewinsky. Recurring Characters: President Bill Clinton, Vernon Jordan, Betty Currie. Note: During the live show, the dog runs off the set before President Clinton can pet him.
Montage
Cuba Goodinght, Jr.’s MonologueSummary: The audience waits on pins and needles for Cuba Gooding Jr. to say his signature catch phrase, “Show me the money!” Transcript
Improvised Bible MiniseriesSummary: In a bold creative move, a TV-movie director (Chris Parnell) asks his actors (Cuba Gooding Jr., Will Ferrell) to improvise the dialogue for a Bible-based miniseries. Transcript
Looking for Monica ISummary: Barbara Walters (Cheri Oteri) scours the halls of Studio 8-H in search of Monica Lewinsky. Recurring Characters: Barbara Walters. Transcript
Pretty LivingRecurring Characters: Gayle Gleason, Helen Madden.
The Ladies ManSummary: Ladies Man Leon Phelps (Tim Meadows) welcomes Monica Lewinsky to the show. Recurring Characters: Leon Phelps. Transcript
TV FunhouseSummary: Set in high school, “AmbiguoBoys” serves as prequel to the adventures of the Ambiguously Gay Duo.
Looking for Monica IIRecurring Characters: Barbara Walters. Transcript
Ricky Martin performs “Livin’ La Vida Loca”
Weekend Update with Colin QuinnRecurring Characters: Jesse Jackson. Transcript
Cuba Loves MangoSummary: Cuba Gooding, Jr.’s obsession with Mango (Chris Kattan) leads to the discovery that the flamboyant enigma has a wife (Molly Shannon) and family. Recurring Characters: Mango.
Lotto III
Martha Stewart LivingRecurring Characters: Martha Stewart.
Looking for Monica IIIRecurring Characters: Barbara Walters.
Jasper Flynn….Chris Parnell Barry….Horatio Sanz Jesus….Will Ferrell Paul….Cuba Gooding Jr.
(Opens with a helicopter view of the TV studio andparking lot. Cut to the inside of it, TV movie set ofreligious film. Director Jasper Flynn is in the middleof the set, has a camera lens hanging from the neck,busy people on the set)
Jasper Flynn: Are they miked?
Barry: No.
Jasper Flynn: OK, we’ll go mic them. (Barry leaves)OK,people!, gather round!, gather round!(Actor dressed asJesus joins Jasper on the set and so is black actorwith a dreadlocks wig dressed as an apostle. He playsPaul) My name is Jasper Flynn and as some of you mayknow I directed “The Noah’s Ark” miniseries for ABC.
Paul: Oh, you did a really great job.
Jesus: Really good job.
Jasper Flynn: OK, simmer down. Its come to ourattention that CBS is planning a miniseries based onthe life of Jesus. So we here at NBC are going tosteal that idea and get our version out before theydo.
Jesus: Well, isn’t the CBS one coming out in 3 weeks?
Jasper Flynn: Oh, there is no script. No time. We’regonna have to improvise it.
Jesus: You know, I don’t feel comfortable improvising the Bible.
Paul: Yeah, I haven’t read the Bible in like 10 years.
Jasper Flynn: Hey!, don’t worry. It’ll come back toya. OK, places! This is the scene where Jesus makesPaul the disciple and….Action!
(Jasper leaves scene, biblical music plays. Actors arefrozen with fear, unsure of their movements, nervous)
Jasper Flynn: (off camera) Go ahead! Improvise!
Jesus: Hey, you must be Paul. What’s up?
Paul: Nothing. Um,um, I’m just…..with you. Becauseof the power…..of your light.
Jesus: Thanks.
Paul:(Breaks character, music stops)Look, look I don’t want to do this.
Jesus: Yeah, I don’t wanna….
Jasper Flynn:(gets up, joins the actors)That’s great!,that’s great! Keep rolling, listen just draw from yourown experiences. What would you do in this situation?Go!(leaves, music resumes)
Paul: So…you’re pretty powerful, man. You got a lot of powers. Can you fly?
Jesus: Yeah, yeah I can fly and I’ve got heat vision.
Paul: Wow!, things sure are exciting….in here olden times.
Jasper Flynn:(from his chair)Good! That was crisp! Nowremember, this is the first time you’ve met!
Jesus: So Paul…I hear you’re good at discipling.
Paul: Who,…who told you that?
Jesus: Uh,um,um, you know….Barry.
Paul: Oh, how, how is Barry, J-J-J-Jesus?
Jesus: He’s good, he’s good. Yeah, I don’t know, Barry is weird sometimes.
Paul: Yeah, I guess. Barry and I went to soccer camp together.
Jesus: Oh!
(Jasper from his director’s chair, chooses a crew member holding a boom mike next to him)
Jasper Flynn: You! I like your look. You play Barry. Get in there!
Barry: No.
Jasper Flynn: Hey!, do it! You’re Barry, go!
(Barry mic on hand and contemporary street clothesreluctantly joins the religious scene with Paul andJesus)
Barry: Hey, losers.
Paul: What’s up Barry?
Jesus: How is it going, B-man?
Barry: Well, what’s up Jesus? (Breaks character) Come on, man! This stinks!
Jasper Flynn: Cut!, cut! That was great! That was great! (Joins them on the scene)
Paul: No, it wasn’t.
Jasper Flynn: Aaaaah!, I think we’re into something!OK, we’ve got that scene. Let’s go to the part whereJesus betrays Barry.
Paul: What?!
Jesus: Wait, wait. Jesus betrays Barry? That’s not in the Bible.
Jasper Flynn: Well, the National Broadcasting Companysays it is. So, action! (leaves)
Jesus: You, you should probably make an entrance.
Barry: Oh. (leaves)
Paul: So, what’s up with Barry? Is he coming to theparty you’re having tonight or what?
Jesus: No, he can’t. You didn’t hear? Barry died.
Jasper Flynn: Ha, ha, ha. Nice try. Cue Barry!Go! (pushes Barry out to the scene)
Barry: What’s up Jesus? You talking smack about me?
Jesus: What if I am?
Barry: Well, then I’ll beat you till I break a sweat!How about that! (drops mic, pushes Jesus)
Jesus: All right!(pushes back)
Barry: You want some of this!(Paul breaks them up)
Paul: Come on!, come on! Come on, Barry! Come on,Jesus! Don’t fight, you guys! I mean, come on! Youguys have been friends since the Coast Guard. I mean,Jesus you named your kid Barry! So, come on guys. Whatdo you say we get a bucket of cold Rolling Rocks andsit on a roof and watch the planes land, huh? Come on.
Barry: OK.
(Breaks character one more time)
Jesus: This sucks!
Jasper Flynn: Hey! Zip it, Jesus!
(Fades to black)
(Caption: Two Weeks Later)
Promo: NBC Miniseries. The New Testament
Announcer: And now the conclusion of the epic sagathat is “The New Testament” on NBC.
(Cut to a modern times teenager room. Posters, softrock music plays. Jesus sits on the edge of bed andlifts weights with his right arm. Paul playsbasketball with little sponge ball and little baskethoop that’s on top of the dresser)
Caption: Jerusalem 30 A.D.
Paul: Hey, Jesus! Where’s Barry at?
(Barry walks in the door)
Barry: What’s up, bro-hams!!
Paul: What you been up to, Bare?!!(shake hands)
Barry: Hey, man! I don’t know. Killing the devil. Barry Power!!!
(Scene freezes with Barry raising his fist, big smile on his face)
…..Colin Quinn Larry Smith…..Tracy Morgan Jerry Falwell…..Darrell Hammond …..Jimmy Fallon
[fade up to New York City skyline with smokestacks]
Voiceover: And now, from the news capital of the world, it’s Weekend Update with Colin Quinn!
[dissolve to Colin at the Update desk]
Colin Quinn: Ohh, hi! Thank you folks, I’m Colin Quinn! Thank you. Well– [a woman cheers] Woo!
This week, the Senate voted to acquit the President of all charges against him. Immediately after the votes were counted, President Clinton received a phone call from the Denver Broncos congratulating him.
In her “Today” show interview, Linda Tripp claimed that what she did was her patriotic duty, and she would do it all over again. When she was then asked to define the word “patriot,” she answered, “A Jabba-the-Hut-like creature who betrays friends for book deals.”…Actually, though, you have to admit she looked good. On the interview. If she lost about 60 more pounds, she’d be Kato.
Now that the trial is over, Al Gore is spending the weekend rewriting the word “Vice” over the Wite-Out on his business cards. [delayed applause]
The video clips of Monica Lewinsky shown during the impeachment trial omitted some of the most intriguing parts of her testimony. Including that she considers herself obnoxious, angry, and a pessimist. Wow! All that and looks, too!
A man was removed from the Senate gallery and briefly detained last week for wearing a T-shirt to the impeachment trial that said, “Bill doesn’t inhale, he just sucks.”…He was released after this woman [photo of Barbara Bush] came to take him home. [some applause]
As King Hussein’s son, Abdullah, ascends to the throne of Jordan, his 28-year-old wife, Queen Rania, will become the youngest queen in the world. The second youngest: Prince Edward. [groans and boos]…Somebody had to say it first. You know what I mean?
On Tuesday, the Oscar nominations were announced; here to comment on the A – Academy selections, is an old friend of mine that I ran into on the street yesterday. He says he knows a lot about movies, so here he is: Larry Smith.
[pan over to Larry, who’s dressed in Army clothing]
Larry Smith: All right! All right! What’s up, baby?
Colin: All right, Larry.
Larry: What’s up, Colin, man. How you doin’, all right?
Colin: Yeah!
Larry: All right. Yeah, right! Them Oscars are somethin’, man! I mean, the machinations among the studios and the critics, man, and the so-called Academy presents an interesting dilemma, man, you know what I’m sayin’? I mean, you got Si – Saving Pr – Private Ryan – Ryan, right? Now, these fellas gonna go back behind enemy lines and save Private Larry? It ain’t gonna happen, I mean, that’s naive. ‘Cause that ain’t what war is all about, Colin.
Colin: I’m sorry, Larry. You were in the war?
Larry: Yeah, man, I was in Germany in 1974, Colin, in Hamburg! Yeah! You heard of the 82nd Airborne?
Colin: Yeah!
Larry: Yeah! [chuckles] I was – I was in in the 83rd Airborne! They would bring us in when the 82nd got tired….But as far as what we was communicating about before, as pertaining to the Oscars and that particular mutually massive Battalial display would dig it! You know what I’m sayin’? It’s like, you got The Thin Red Line. I mean, that line is a lot thinner and a lot redder than people realize! I mean, you got The [takes a box of cigarette paper out of his front pocket] Gods and the Monsters, you know, but – but who’s the gods, you know? [takes out a piece of cigarette paper and starts rolling it] I mean, who’s the monsters, you know? [At this point, Colin starts trying to cut in and stop Larry, but he can’t cut into his ramblings and becomes nervous.] It’s crazy, man. I mean, [takes a bag of marijuana out of his side pocket] dig it, Colin! I mean…my god might be your monster, understand what I’m sayin’, Colin, and vice-versa! You know? So…ultimately [puts some of the marijuana on the piece of paper and begins to roll it up into a joint]…ultimately, you could say we was out here to, uh, discuss the Oscars! But thi – this might not be where they need – the place where we need to discuss this, you know? I don’t know, I know what you’re saying. I know what you’re saying, you know?…[licks the open end of his joint] But what’s that got to do with the Oscars, you know, but Colin, this is like the Rashaan situation, you know? [licks the open end of the joint again and seals it up]…At which every angle you look at me, there’s another angle! You know? You know where I’m comin’ from, right? You know where I’m comin’ from.
Colin: Yeah, Larry, you can’t light that up in here.
Larry: Oh.
Colin: You shouldn’t be doing that now.
Larry: I’m – I’m sorry, I forgot, baby. I’m sorry, I apologize, Colin. But you know, hey listen, as far as the movies go, man, like I always say, life is beautiful.
Colin: Oh, so you think Life Is Beautiful will be the winner?
Larry: Nah, nah, nah! That’s just what I wrote on my flak jacket when I was in the service.
Colin: Great, Larry.
Larry: Life is beautiful!
Colin: Yeah, life is beautiful, that’s great.
Larry: But thanks for puttin’ me on, Colin, man. You still my man, 50 grand, you know what I’m sayin’? You know where the party gonna be at tonight?
Colin: Larry Smith, everybody! [Larry offers him the joint] No, Larry. Come on. Put it away.
After playing only two games for the New York Knicks, forward Latrell Sprewell is going to miss the next three to six weeks due to a broken foot. Suspicious team doctors are now examining coach Jeff Van Gundy to see if he’s got a bruised ass….Ahh, you know you’re…
The woman who broke into Brad Pitt’s home and was found sleeping there in his clothes was ordered to stay a hundred yards away from him from now on. Presidential advisor Sidney Blumenthal has characterized the woman as an intern. [little reaction]
The Pope this week condemned human cloning, saying that human life had to be protected against any violation of its dignity. The Pope coming out against cloning is a little ironic, when you think about it. I mean, if you lined up the last 50 popes, could you tell one from the other?…There is no more.
Rebecca Romijn-Stamos graces the 36th annual Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue, hitting newsstands this week. Rebecca, congratulations. Good luck with your career. I’ll be pulling for you. [some cheers and applause]
A plan…a plan in Michigan to use billboards of Ted Nugent urging drivers to buckle up is a success. Michigan authorities claim a sharp increase in seatbelt use among men who drive pickups. Scientists call the program dangerous because it interferes with the process of natural selection.
Researchers reported this week that silicone breast implants can cause cancer in laboratory mice….What kind of lonely, demented scientist spends his day giving mice boob jobs?…We’re all tryin’ to make a buck, bud.
This week, the Reverend Jerry Falwell created quite a controversy when he claimed that one of the Teletubbies, Tinky-Winky, was most likely gay. Here to defend that position is the Reverend Jerry Falwell.
[pan over to Jerry, who has a Tinky-Winky doll face down on the desk]
Jerry Falwell: I want to thank you, Colin. Thank you for having me on. I’m sure this is very cute for a lot of people out there, but I want you to know: if you are an evangelical Christian like me, then you know this [shows the doll] Tinky-Winky character poses a real threat to our children.
Colin: Ho – how can you say that? What could be threatening about that doll? You hug him, he says, “Bye-bye!” [Jerry laughs] and, “Big hugs!”
Jerry: Oh, no, Colin! That’s not all he says! Every word out of this little fellow’s mouth is full-on gay!…Listen to this: [squeezes the doll’s stomach]
Tinky-Winky doll: Do you like watching figure skating on TV?
Jerry: Here’s another… [squeezes the doll’s stomach]
Tinky-Winky doll: Let’s go shopping at the flea market!
Jerry: I don’t know about you, Colin. But I don’t spend my time shoppin’ at the flea market!
Colin: I’ll admit that was a little weird. But I don’t know how you can [Jerry chuckles] conclude–
Jerry: Colin! I’m no expert in what the gays like…but I say that sounded pretty immoral. I mean, imagine giving this little toy to a two-year-old boy and this is what he hears: [squeezes the doll’s stomach]
Tinky-Winky doll: My dream is to open a bed and breakfast in an old Victorian!
Jerry: That’s terrible. Terrible! [squeezes the doll’s stomach]
[At this point, the doll begins sounding really gay.]
Tinky-Winky doll: I wish my mother would give it a rest!
Jerry: [disgusted] Oh…
Tinky-Winky doll: I want to be Donna Summer!
Colin: Okay. Stop it. That’s you!
Jerry:What’s me?
Colin: That’s your voice!
Jerry: Wh–
Colin: You just recorded a bunch of stuff to try and prove your point!
Jerry: Oh no, I didn’t! I don’t know how you could say that, you scoundrel! Here, listen to this: [squeezes the doll’s stomach]
Tinky-Winky doll: I like to get naked and watch wrestling!
Jerry: Colin…[Jerry squeezes the doll’s stomach]
Tinky-Winky doll: I like soaping up other dudes!
Jerry: Colin…Colin… [squeezes the doll’s stomach]
Tinky-Winky doll: [in a whisper] “Frasier” is my favorite TV show!
Colin: Get outta here!
Jerry: Oh, I’m leavin’, Colin! But today it’s these Teletubbies; tomorrow, the gays will be in everything! You won’t be able to pick your nose without findin’ a gay up there! I’m warnin’ you, Colin! The gays are comin’! Listen to the gay doll! [squeezes the doll’s stomach]
Tinky-Winky doll:Valley of the Dolls is so bad, it’s good!
Jerry: [is completely repulsed by now] Ohh…
Colin: Get outta here!
Jerry: …ho ho ho…
Colin: Jerry Falwell, everybody!
Jerry: …oh ho…
Colin: The newly crowned Miss USA said that she will put her four-and-a-half-year relationship with her boyfriend on hold, while she concentrates on her duties as Miss USA. Sure she will. Hey, buddy! Bye bye, buddy!…She’ll be callin’ you from Mumbai, you’re at the local bar shooting darts. “Honey, I just call a call–” “Oh, that’s nice, I gotta go.” My advice to you, pal: just wait ’til she gets through her little sowing of wild oats, and hope she doesn’t run into the two words that will change your relationship forever: Tommy Lee.
In Seoul, Korea, 120,000 followers of the Reverend Sun Myung Moon were married in a mass ceremony. Two hours later, power went out as 60,000 DJs played “The Electric Slide.” [little reaction]
Virginia this week passed a bill…that could bar New York City from shipping our trash here. If this happens, the city will continue to be forced to put its trash out on the curb. And by curb, I mean New Jersey. [mixed reaction]
Neil Young is teaming up with his former bandmates, Crosby, Stills & Nash, to record their first studio album in years. The new album will be entitled CSN, and for the Love of God, Y?
The Air Force is quadrupling its advertising budget in hopes of increasing the number of recruits. This means Top Gun will be shown 40 times a month on TBS instead of the usual 10.
George Michael is breaking up with his long-time boyfriend. Friends say they could tell it was over when the two started using separate stalls. [some groans]
According to U— a USA Today poll, men in the Northeast spend more than double what men in the Midwest spend on Valentine’s Day gifts. The reason for this is that roses and jewelry cost a lot more than an ear of corn and a Richard Marx CD.
And now here with some thoughts on Valentine’s Day is Jimmy Fallon.
[pan over to Jimmy, who has his guitar]
Jimmy Fallon: Thanks, Colin. [Colin laughs]…Thanks a lot, Colin. You know, last time I was here, I – I did some Halloween carols, a – and I got a lot of candy. So I – so I figured…it’s – i – since Valentine’s Day is around the corner, why not make Valentine’s Day versions of some of my favorite songs, and sing them? You know, I – I’ll do something like, uh…
[plays guitar and sings a parody of “Jumper” by Third Eye Blind; lights dim to a reddish color]
“It’s almost the 14th of February So try and guess why I’m so depressed Wish you would send that Valentine, my friend You should see the junk mail and all the bills that I’ve been getting in And if I get one more thing from Ed McMahon I’ll kill my mailma-a-an.” [end of song; cheers and applause]
You know, something like that.
Colin: Hey, you said you get a lot of candy when you sang the Halloween carols. What do want from these songs, Valentines?
Jimmy: Valentines, candy, maybe a little lovin’….Everyone needs a little love, Colin, you know?
[plays guitar and sings a parody of “Lullaby” by Shawn Mullins]
“She said she likes heart candy I said, “Yeah, who doesn’t?” She likes the little candies, her favorite ones with the hearts With all the words on them like “hug me,” “kiss me,” And “miss you” and “cutie pie.” Now I said, “If I get those things then maybe tonight You’ll be mine.” She said, “You’re a complete idiot. ‘Cause it’s almost midnight on Valentine’s Day And I haven’t gotten one damn candy.” And I said… Took her hand, brushed back her hair, and I sang to her I said, “I know a place, it’s open up all night Valentine Valentine Valentine.” [end of song]
You know, you can just [cheers and applause]…you can just, [Colin and Jimmy laugh] it’s easy. You can just call people up…call people up on the phone, you know?
[plays guitar and sings a parody of “You Get What You Give” by New Radicals]
“It’s three o’clock in the morning A wasted Valentine’s night, right My ex-girlfriend’s getting a phone call Tonight…I got tequila in me Don’t hang up, it’s your ex-boyfriend, Jimmy I am drunk, had six Long Island Iced Teas I love you, won’t you come back to me, please?” [end of song; cheers and applause]
So don’t, uh…so don’t be surprised if, uh…guess what? [Colin and Jimmy laugh] Don’t be surprised if someone throws a pebble at your upstairs bedroom window and serenades you with this:
[plays guitar and sings a parody of “Ray of Light” by Madonna]
“I got myself a Whitman’s Sampler chocolate It comes with a diagram that describes every one And it’s sealed in a heart-shaped box, and it’s sealed And it’s sealed in a stay-fresh box, and it’s sealed [Cheers and applause as the studio darkens while he holds the word “sealed.” A strobe light flashes on Jimmy as he stands up and starts jumping up and down.] Will you be my Valentine? Will you be my Valentine? Will you be my Valentine?” [end of song]
[cheers and applause as he sits back down and lights return to normal]
Colin: Jimmy Fallon, everybody! Jimmy Fallon! [Jimmy waves to the audience] I’m Colin Quinn, that’s my story, and I’m sticking to it.
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 24: Episode 14 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
February 20th, 1999 Bill Murray Lucinda Williams None Stephanie Seymour Chevy Chase The Ladies’ ManSummary: Ladies Man Leon Phelps (Tim Meadows) and model Stephanie Seymour demonstrate how to pick up women in a bar and abandon them soon after. Recurring Characters: Leon Phelps. Transcript
Montage
Bill Murray’s MonologueSummary: An excited Bill Murray climbs about the stage and raves about “Footloose: the Musical.” Transcript
YahtzeeSummary: Sam (Bill Murray) and Jane (Molly Shannon) challenge Jim (Will Ferrell) and Nancy (Ana Gasteyer) to a competitive game of Yahtzee. Transcript
The Knicks City Dancers
SwillSummary: A traveling salesman (Bill Murray) touts the mineral water that’s dredged from Lake Erie. Note: Repeat from 10/08/77.
The Quotable CaddyshackSummary: Bill Murray and Chevy Chase help yuppies stay hip with the ultimate “Caddyshack” reference guide. Transcript
Morning LatteRecurring Characters: Tom Wilkins, Cass Van Rye.
Weekend Update with Colin QuinnRecurring Characters: President Bill Clinton. Transcript
Lucinda Williams performs “Can’t Let Go”
A Bear Ate My Parents!Summary: During David’s (Chris Parnell) elegant art party, a stray guest (Horatio Sanz) constantly yells about a bear having eaten his parents. Transcript
Third Eye Bookstore
Lucinda Williams performs “Too Cool To Be Forgotten”
Steve Baxter, Hollywood GynecologistSummary: Steve Baxter (Bill Murray) advertises his services with the help of a one-man Las Vegas lounge act (Chris Parnell). Transcript
Steve Baxter….Bill Murray Las Vegas Lounge Singer….Chris Parnell
[Opens with a Las Vegas Lounge Singer holding a microphone]
Las Vegas Lounge Singer: New in town? Finding the best gynecologist in town can be hard. Right? Well, not anymore. Check this out!
[Music plays, sings]
“Hey! This guy is hot, he’ll hit the spot with all he’s gooot! Steve Baxter! Hollywood Gynecologist!
Call him up! Come on in! Get nuuuuude! He plays it fair, but just beware, he likes to staaaaaaaare! Steve Baxter! Hollywood Gynecologist!
Drive by! Show your pie! Feel gooood!”
Now ladies and gentlemen! Here he is! The Baxman himself!
[Curtains rolls sideways revealing Steve Baxter sitting on a patients chair]
Steve Baxter: My name is Steve Baxter. I’m a licensed OB/GYN. My buddies say that’s just a fancy way of saying you like to sneak a peek. But hey! I don’t go talk to my buds about it. That’s not my style. My style is more confidential-like. That’s why some pretty tony ladies have come in and slipped out of their unitards in my office. I’m talking about ladies like…Miss Stockard Channing, Marilu Henner, our own Dyan Cannon, Jeanne Tripplehorn twice. And a national treasure, Miss Katherine Hepburn. In case you’re wondering they’re all more than just fine. So, you see, you may as well drop right in, let me check you out. After all, I’m a doctor. Oh, yeah. One more thing. In case you’re wondering…I do date my patients.
Drunken Maniac….Horatio Sanz David….Chris Parnell Male Guest….Bill Murray Female Guest….Ana Gasteyer Punched Guy….Will Ferrell Man in Bear Costume….Jimmy Fallon
[Opens with a very elegant, very uber fashionableapartment. There is a party, everyone is dressed inthe latest fashion clothes. 15 guests more or less arearound with drinks on their hands. A female guestmakes a toast]
Female Guest: I want to take this time andcongratulate David on his new spring line.
[some applause]
David: Thank you. Thank you all so much for yoursupport. It really means a lot to me. Ummm, go back tohaving fun.[laughs]
Female Guest: It really was a great show.
David: Thank you.
Female Guest: And your apartment looks so great. Ilove it.
David: Yeah, it’s getting there, yeah.
[A guy in a jean jacket screams to a group of goodlooking women]
Drunk Maniac: YOU CAN ALL KISS MY ASS!!!
David: I guess somebody doesn’t like it.[laughs]
Drunk Maniac:[breaks bottle]I WANT MORE BOOZE!!
David: Ok, what’s going over there?
Male Guest: Hey, I’m really sorry about his.
David: Is he drunk?
Male Guest: Yeah, well, a little, but he’s a very dear friend.
Drunk Maniac: YOU PEOPLE DON’T KNOW WHAT PAIN IS!!!!
[crashing noise, glass breaking]
David: Ok, I want him out of here.
Male Guest: Listen, I think you should know this. Hisparents were eaten by a bear.
Female Guest: Oh, my God! That is horrible!
David: Oh, I had no idea.
Male Guest: He’s going through a very, very rough time.
[Drunken maniac stands beside them]
Drunk Maniac: A BEAR ATE MY PARENTS!!!
David: I’m sorry about what happened.
Male Guest: We’re gonna get you through this, man. Come on.
Drunk Maniac: It just wouldn’t stop eating them!! Itwouldn’t stop!![takes a picture from thewall]AAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!! A BEAR ATE MY PARENTS!!!A BEARATE MY PARENTS!!!![Destroys the painting, cries loudly]
David: Shouldn’t we take him outside?
Male Guest: Oh, yeah. That’s the best treatment forsomeone whose parents were eaten by a bear. Kick himoutside. Where the bears are!
David: I’m very sorry.
[Drunken maniac stops a guest]
Drunk Maniac: I love them and a BEAR ATE THEM!!!!
[Punches the guy in the face, knocks plant over]
David: How did this happened?
Male Guest: Well, he only talks about them when he’sdrunk. But I sort of pieced together the story fromhis drunken ramblings. Oh, no….
[Drunken maniac is taking a piss in a potted plant]
Drunk Maniac: A BEAR ATE MY PARENTS!!!
Male Guest: He was home with his parents late at nightwatching TV and suddenly this huge grizzly bearsmashes through the sliding glass door.
Drunk Maniac: We should’ve gone out that night!!
[throws heavy object into the TV screen, TV explodes]
Male Guest: He was completely paralyzed with fear. Hesat there for two and half hours while this bear ate his parents.
Female Guest: Oh, that’s awful!
Male Guest: No one and I mean no one!! Should have towatch his parents being eaten by a bear.
David: Well, I wasn’t arguing with you.
Male Guest: Well, it sounded like you were!
Drunk Maniac: MAKE THE BEAR GO AWAY!!!
[Throws statue into glass table smashing it to pieces]
Male Guest: It’s all right everybody. His parents were eaten by a bear.
Crowd: Awwwwwww!![understanding responses]
Drunk Maniac: It should’ve been me![cries]
David: Now, don’t say that. That’s not true![comforts him]
Drunk Maniac: My parents are in the stomach of a bear!
Male Guest: We’re here for you, buddy. We’rehere.[comforts him too]
Drunk Maniac: The bear, the bear….used my parentsfor calories so he could run and climb. But my parentswere much more than bear calories. THEY WERE MYPARENTS!![cries loudly, more comfort towards him]
David: Listen, why don’t you sit on my couch? And Ican get you some coffee or something. Ok?
[They go to the couch]
Drunk Maniac: I WANT TO THROW THIS DAMN COUCH OUT THE WINDOW!!!
David: No, please!
Drunk Maniac: COME ON! LET’S DO IT!!
[Starts lifting the couch and some people help him lift it]
David: Oh, my God! Why are you helping him?
Punched guy: His parents were eaten by a bear!
Female Guest: Good God, David! I’ll pay for yourprecious couch if you want! It’s no big deal.
Drunk Maniac: NO MORE BEARS!!
[With a little help from his friends he throws thecouch out the window, falling down whistle, crashing below sounds]
Drunk Maniac: AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!! A BEAR ATE MYPARENTS!![He’s hugged by male guest]
Male Guest: Oh, let it out. Let it all out!
David: He’s obviously going through a lot of pain.When did this happen?
Male Guest: 22 years ago this week.
David: What?!
Drunk Maniac: I WANT TO TAKE A DUMP ON THE STEREO!!
Male Guest: What? Is there a time limit on this kind of thing?
David: Yes!
Male Guest: I suppose the fact that they were only histemporary foster parents changes things too, huh?
David: Yes!
Drunk Maniac: Spielberg had just directed “Jaws” andthen….A BEAR ATE MY PARENTS!!![cries]
David: I am calling the police.[Drunken maniac knockstelephone to the floor. Ding-Dong. The door] Oh, good.Well, maybe somebody called them already.
[Door is opened and a candy gram arrives of a mandressed as a grizzly bear holding flowers]
Drunk Maniac: AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!! OH, NO!!! YOU CAMEBACK FOR ME!!!!! AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!
[Drunken Maniac jumps out the glass window, fallingdown whistle, crashing below sounds]
Man in bear costume: [sings with littleenthusiasm] Congratulations dear David on a bear of afashion show.[gives David the flowers, leaves]
Female Guest: I thought you’d think it was kitschy.
Drunk Maniac:[From the street below] A bear ate my parents!!!
Punched guy: [looking out the window] He missed the couch.
Male Guest: I think I’ve come without money. You thinkyou could loan me 20 dollars?
Announcer: You’re a white male between the ages of 15 to 41, chances are you love quoting lines from “Caddyshack”.
[Four yuppies stand on a busy sidewalk]
Yuppie 1: [laughing] Remember when that one guy goes: “Miss it, Noonan! Miss it! Miss it!” That rules!
Yuppie 2: : No, no, no…Rodney’s the best: “You bought a hat like this, I bet you get a free bowl of soup! Looks good on you, though.”
Yuppie 3: “I want a hamburger, no, a cheeseburger, I want a hot dog, I want a milkshake–“
Yuppie 1 and 2: “You”ll get nothing and like it!” [laughs]
Yuppie 4: Oh, man. I love Caddyshack. [unsure] Hey, remember when all the caddies were like: “uuummm…Meatballs?” I don’t remember exactly how it went…it was awesome.
Yuppie 1: Dude, are you gay?
Yuppie 3: What’s up with that?
[Bill Murray is watching the scene with the yuppies on TV]
Bill Murray: Hello. I’m Bill “Caddyshack” Murray. Let’s face it. In today’s fast-paced high-powered workplace not being able to quote Caddyshack” will cost you quite a few opportunities. The secret language of American business is peppered with quotes from this classic 1980 comedy written by my brother Brian and two other guys. That’s why I’m here to offer you, The Quotable Caddyshack. [big brown leather book] Its the definitive source for all your quote needs. You get the complete original screenplay hand lettered in vellum. Bound in fine Italian leather. Its a stunning addition to any home library and an invaluable reference tool to a young executive.
[Yuppie 3 interviews a job applicant in an office]
Yuppie 3: Tell me something about yourself that’s not on your resume.
Job applicant: Well,[imitating Carl Spackler] “its a Cinderella story, this unknown coming out of nowhere to lead the pack at Augusta.”
Yuppie 3: Ha ha ha…that’s terrific! You’re hired. [shake hands]
[back to Bill]
Bill Murray: The Quotable Caddyshack can also help you find the perfect quote for any occasion. To commencement speeches, to writing your own wedding vows.
[cut to a wedding]
Yuppie 2: I take you Karen, to be my lawfully wedded wife [imitating Carl Spackler again] “because you’re lean, you’re mean and nothing fine in between, you know what I’m saying?” [kisses Karen]
Priest: [as Rodney’s Al Czervik] “We’re all gonna get laid!”
Bill Murray: Call now and you’ll also get Hollywood’s Chevy Chase.
[Chevy joins Bill dressed as playboy Ty Webb, golf club in hand]
Chevy Chase: Toga! Toga! Toga! Toga!
Bill Murray: No, no, no. That’s “Animal House”, buddy. We weren’t in that one. That’s right.
Chevy Chase: Yes, all right. [as Ty Webb] “Be the ball, Danny” Nananana, dadadada, nananana, dadada.
Bill Murray: [as Carl Spackler] So, where are you living now Ty? You over there on the Briar? Yeah, Briar.”
Chevy Chase: [as Ty] “On Briar, too.”
Bill Murray: “You got a pool over there?”
Chevy Chase: “Oh, yeah. We got a pool in the back. We got a pond and a pool. Pool would be good for you.”
Bill Murray: [correcting Chevy with the book] No, uh-huh, actually Chevy…I think “the pond would be good for me.”
[dry, fake laughs]
Bill Murray: So, order The Quotable Caddyshack now. 30% of the profits go to the Ted Knight Slow Burn Foundation. The other 70% goes to me. So, [as Carl Spackler] “I got that going for me….which is nice.”
Air Date: