For Die Hard Saturday Night Live Fans
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 3: Episode 1
77a: Steve Martin / Jackson Browne
Goodnights
…..Steve Martin
Steve Martin: Good night, everybody!!
Announcer: Next Saturday night, watch NBC’s “Weekend with Lloyd Dobbin”. We’ll be back in two weeks, with host Madeline Kahn and musical guest Barrie Humphries and Taj Mahal. And here we go into our third season, and who said I’d never last? Hmm… I guess I said it! This is Don Pardo, hanging in and saying, “Good night!”
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 3: Episode 1
77a: Steve Martin / Jackson Browne
Kromega III
Woman’s Voice…..Jane Curtin
[ Kromega III watch slowly scrolls into camera range ]
Announcer: Someday, everyone will own a watch like this. Now, it is available only for the privileged few. The Mogasaki Corproration of Tokyo is honored to announce… Kromega III. [ lightning strikes ] A watch so complex, it takes two people to make it work. One hand wears the watch. The other hand presses the buttons that activate the 100% solid state multi-function digital quartz crystal micro-computer unit. And now, you’re ready for the third hand to trigger the light-luminating dial to give you an alphanumeric readout accurate to within 9 a year. It’s that simple.
KROMEGA III. Command-crafted in impact-resistant crushed chrome. It’s no wonder that professional skiiers prefer Kromega III over any ordinary timepiece.
[ Woman’s arm is shown with Lady Kromega III on her wrist ]
Woman’s Voice: And I love Lady Kromega III. The sleek, space-age styling compliments any outfit. [ Woman’s other hand presses one of the buttons ] And the clearly displayed perpetual calendar helps me to remember my many appointments. Would you mind? [ other person brings in a spare hand to operate the Lady Kromega III ] Thank you.
Announcer: Kromega III. It’s like asking a stranger for the time.
Submitted by: Tony DuMont
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 3: Episode 1
77a: Steve Martin / Jackson Browne
National Express Card
Bert Lance…..John Belushi
President Jimmy Carter…..Dan Aykroyd
[ SUPER: “An Oval Office” ]
President Jimmy Carter: You’re.. you’re my best friend. I’m gonna miss you. You know, in a way, I feel like it’s my fault you had to resign, because.. I set examples that were impossible to live with – even for someone who’s just the slightest bit corrupt. I mean, you certainly did nothing illegal. And probably nothing.. unethical. And only a few things that were really sleazy. Bert, I’m proud of you. I’m gonna miss you. [ cries, hugs Bert ] I hope you can iron out your financial difficulties when you get back to Calhoun.
[ Bert Lance turns toward the camera ]
Bert Lance: Do you remember me? I’m Bert Lance. I used to be Director of the Office of Managing the Budget. But still, a lot of people don’t recognize my face. That’s why I carry this. [ holds up card ] The National Express Card. The most honored credit card the world over. With it, I can borrow hundreds of thousands without paying interest. Whether it’s throwing a prty, financing a political campaign, or just putting up collateral for another loan. National Express gives me the credibility I need. Maybe my old friend Jimmy Carter doesn’t need one, but you and I do. The National Express Card – don’t leave office without it!
[ show image of card, with name “Bert Lance” typing across it ]
President Jimmy Carter: Well, there’s, uh, nothing else left to say.. except.. “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 3: Episode 1
77a: Steve Martin / Jackson Browne
Mike McMack: Defense Lawyer
Judge…..John Belushi
Mike McMack…..Steve Martin
Miss Kazursky…..Gilda Radner
Prosecutor…..Bill Murray
Rapist…..Garrett Morris
[ open on courtroom drama scene ]
Judge: [ banging gavel ] Gentlemen, gentlemen, gentlemen, please! One more outburst like that, and I’ll have this courtroom waived! Begin again, Counselor.
Mike McMack: Miss Kazursky, you were telling the court that my client, who has no previous record of sex offenses, walked up two flights of stairs, picked out your apartment, lured you into opening the door, and then forcibly raped you?!
Miss Kazursky: Yes!
Announcer: And now it’s time for another law adventure with “Mike McMack: Defense Lawyer”.
Mike McMack: Miss Kazursky, what were you wearing when you opened that door?
Miss Kazursky: My flannel nightgown.
Mike McMack: Ah. And what were you doing in a flannel nightie.. at four in the afternoon?
Miss Kazursky: Well, I-I was taking a bath.. and I heard a knock at the door.
Mike McMack: Ah. I see. You hear a knock at the door. So you stand up, stark-naked, the water and soap suds glistening on your supple breasts. Quickly, you rub yourself with a towel, then dance across the room, your nipples hardening in the breeze. Slipping on a soft, flimsy negligee, you run to the door and open it in anticipation! Is that correct!
Miss Kazursky: [ shocked ] Wha.. what..? Sort of.. I-I-I-
Mike McMack: Miss Kazursky, is it not true, that in 1971, you were.. divorced?
Miss Kazursky: [ stammering ] Yeah! But-but I don’t see what that has anything to do with-
Mike McMack: Now, Miss Kazursky, remember you are under oath. In the last six years, have you had.. sex?
Miss Kazursky: Well, I-I-I’m 35 years old-
Mike McMack: Just answer the question, yes or no!!
Miss Kazursky: Y-yes..
Mike McMack: How many times, Miss Kazursky?
Miss Kazursky: Well, uh.. uh..
Objection! Your Honor, Mr. McMack is pursuing an irrelevant line of questioning!
Mike McMack: Your Honor, what my distinguished colleague does not understand is that.. [ rubs Judge’s head ] ..what I am trying to do is establish, in a logical, coherent manner, that the witness is a cheap tart!
Miss Kazursky: [ crying ]
Prosecutor: Objection!
Judge: Overruled.
Prosecutor: Awww!
Mike McMack: [ chuckles with delight ] Now, Miss Kazurksy, how many times did you have sex between 1971 and last night?
Miss Kazursky: Thirty-eight!
[ courtroom murmurs ]
Mike McMack: Thir-ty-eight. Gentlemen of the jury – 38. not.. five.. not sev-en! Thir-ty-eight. And did you bring these men to your apartment.
Miss Kazursky: It wasn’t 38 men, it was 38 times!
Mike McMack: Just answer the question yes or no! did you bring these men to your apartment!
Miss Kazursky: Well.. yes!
Mike McMack: Miss Kazursky, in 1965, were you involved in a civil rights organization?
Prosecutor: Ob-ject-ion!
Judge: Overruled.
Prosecutor: Oh, come on!
Mike McMack: [ chuckles heartily ] And why did you work there?
Miss Kazursky: I wanted to help blacks register.
Mike McMack: You wanted to help the black man!
Miss Kazursky: I wanted to help-
Mike McMack: And that’s exactly what went through your mind as you opened the door in that flimsy negligee!!
Miss Kazursky: [ crying ] No! No!
Mike McMack: I have no further questions, your Honor, no more!!
Judge: [ banging gavel ] Order! Order, gentlemen!
Prosecutor: Your Honor, the witness is too emotionally disturbed to continue, may I move for a recess! Please!
Judge: Okay, court will recess until tomorrow morning at 9 am. [exits courtroom ]
Mike McMack: Good night, Tom. See you later.
Prosecutor: [ approaches his client at the stand ] Miss Kazursky, I’m sorry that you were made to feel as if you were on trial here, instead of that.. that rapist. Oh, well, get some sleep. I’ll see you in the morning, okay?
[ Prosecutor approaches McMack ]
Prosecutor: McMack! Great job.
Mike McMack: Thanks.
Prosecutor: You made me look like an amateur out there!
Mike McMack: Part of my job.
Prosecutor: And the way you turned the race thing around, to make her look like the bad guy. That was brilliant! I tell you, Mike, I’d give anything to beat you just once!
Mike McMack: Hey – maybe when I get a client who isn’t guilty!
[ they laugh ]
[ McMack walks over to Miss Kazursky, who’s still bawling her eyes out at the stand ]
Mike McMack: Hey, what are you doing tonight? [ no response ] You’re not still mad about this trial thing, are you? Come on, it’s the way I make a buck! Come on, let me take you out for a big steak, what do you say?
Miss Kazursky: How can you talk to me that way? You put me on trial here, when I’m innocent! You humiliate me, and you let that man go free when he raped me! Is that what you learned in Law School?!!
[ Miss Kazursky exits the courtroom, leaving McMack alone with his thoughts ]
Mike McMack: Gee.. maybe she’s right. Maybe I got off the track somewhere along the line, in the pursuit of a buck. Maybe I.. lost sight of my ideals. [ thinks ] Naaaaahhhhh!
Announcer: Be sure to join us next week, when McMack takes on a case for Evil Knievel, in.. “Mike McMack: Defense Lawyer”.
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 3: Episode 1
77a: Steve Martin / Jackson Browne
Steve Martin’s Monologue
…..Steve Martin
Steve Martin: [ singing ]
“Oh, the shark bites
with its teeth, yeah!
And it keeps them.. pearly white!
Oh, the shark bites
with its teeth, yeah!
And it keeps them.. pearly white!
Oh, the shark bites
with its teeth, yeah!
And it keeps them.. pearly white!
Oh, the shark bites
with its teeth, yeah!
And it keeps them — hit it, boys! — outta sight!”
[ Steve stops singing, turns to look at the band ]
You guys stuck-up or something?
Well, good evening! [ the band drops a note ] That’s okay! Hey – welcome to “Saturday Night”. I know what you’re saying, you’re saying, “Hey! Wait a minute. Steve’s wearing loafers. No laces on his shoes” [ breaks into song ] “Born to be wi-i-i-ild!”
I know a lot of you people are sitting out there saying to yourselves, “Steve – you’re a rambling guy. Is it tough for you, traveling from town to town, staying in different hotels every night, all alone, not with your friends?” Well, I’ve kind of worked that out now, I’ve got a whole new policy. Like, I came into New York early this morning, bought a house. Met a cute gal, got married. We had a little baby, another one on the way. Tomorrow: wake up, have a home-cooked meal, sell the house, get a divorce, and get on to the next town. So, this is what Steve is doing now.
So, I have a comedy album out now, called “Let’s Get Small”. And the only reason I mention that is I’ll be doing some television to promote it, you can kind of keep a lookout for it. I’ll be doing “Bowling For Dollars” next week – it’s a good show, my agent says it’s a good show. And we’ve got “Crosswits” coming up.. “Liars Club” – and, it’s easy for me to get on all these shows now, because I did so well on “Celebrity Cokeheads”. Excuse me.. boy oh boy, are my lips chapped! [ applies chapstick, then pretends to inhale it ]
Boy oh boy, I am so mad at Farrah Fawcett-Majors. She is so conceited. She has never called me once And after the hours I’ve spent holding up her poster with one hand! Geez!
Okay! Hey, does anybody know where I can get some cat handcuffs? I’ve gotta get a pair of cat handcuffs. Either two little ones like this, to go around the little paws.. or a big one that hooks onto my arm and then hooks onto the cat. I found out my cat was embezzling from me, so I’ve gotta get a little pair.. of cat handcuffs, so.. Well, I found out that when I’m away, he goes to the mailbox, picks up the checks, take them down to the bank and cashes them. The way I caught him, I went out to his little house, where he sleeps at night, and there was like $3,000 worth of cat toys out there. And you can’t return them, because they have spit all over them.. I don’t know where he is now, I guess he went out to Catalina, or something like that, I don’t know.. [ audience groans slightly ] No. He bought a catamaran, and went out.. [ audience groans again ] No, he got it out of a catalog.. [ groans ] This is a catastrophe! Hey, just remember – comedy is not pretty!
Alright, folks, we’ve got a great show tonight – we have Jackson Browne and his band. A great new comedy team – Franken & Davis! And we’ll be back right after this message!
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 3: Episode 1
77a: Steve Martin / Jackson Browne
Great Moments In Rock & Roll
Alice Sloan…..Laraine Newman
Roy Orbison…..John Belushi
Manager…..Bill Murray
Bandleader…..Howard Shore
[ open on title card ]
[ dissolve to Alice Sloan sitting cross-legged in chair ]
Alice Sloan: Hi! I’m Alice Sloan, and this is “Great Moments In Rock”. I’m so freaked out about doing this show, I mean… my whole life has been Rock! God, I hope I can get this out before those ‘ludes kck on. I mean, I was never really a groupie or anything, but I did grow up in Los Angeles and got to know about two or three-thousand musicians personally. One rock stare that I especially remember was the man who wore these shades: [ she holds up Roy Orbison’s sunglasses on a plaque ] Roy Orbison. Of course, when you say “Roy Orbison”, everybody thinks of two things: he always stood perfectly still when he sang, and he always wore these dark glasses. It was in 1964, and I was ready to do ANYTHING to get those shades. We got really close one night in L.A., and I think it must have freaked Roy out a LOT, because, the next thing I knew, he was in Memphis.
[ the screen separates to find Roy Orbison standing on a Memphis stage with his manager ]
Manager: Roy. Roy, I gotta talk to you, boy. Now, as your manager, I’ve given you good advice on at least two occasions. Now, it was my idea for you to be a wooden man, you know stand perfectly still while you sing, right?
Roy Orbison: That’s right!
Manager: And who came up with the concept of you always wearing the dark glasses?
Roy Orbison: Well, I guess it was mainly your idea.
Manager: Right. Well, I’m gonna give you one more piece of advice: DUMP that new girlfriend of yours. She’s in the dressing room, she’s making a real mess, got plaster casts ALL over the place, it’s a mess! Get rid of her.
Roy Orbison: Well, I’ll talk to her, but she’s… such a pretty woman. I hate to make her cry. I —
[ Alice approaches Roy ]
Alice Sloan: Ro-oy! What happened to you yesterday? I woke up, and you were go-one!
Roy Orbison: Oh… I didn’t want to wake you up.
Alice Sloan: Well, I mean, you left a note, and I don’t understand it. It says: “One quart milk… Hostess Ho-Hos… and quail! I mean, you didn’t say you were going to Memphis!
Roy Orbison: Oh, I — I forgot.
Alice Sloan: [ sullenly ] You know, we’ve been together for a week now, and I feel as though I hardly know you. I mean, all I know is two things: you stand perfectly still when you sing, and you always wear dark glasses.
Roy Orbison: Well, baby… I’d love to tell you mroe about myself, but… right now, I’ve gotta rehearse this number — a song I wrote for you. But, look, I want you to run along now, and I’ll meet you at the motel.
Alice Sloan: Well, Roy, I — how do I know you’ll be there?
Roy Orbison: Baby, there’s TWO things you know about Roy Orbison: #1. that he stands perfectly still when he sings, and #2. he always wears his shades!
Alice Sloan: Oh.
Roy Orbison: Now, baby! I’m a-giving these shades… to you. [ he removes his shades, and squints from the lights ]
Alice Sloan: [ freaking out ] Oh, Roy! I don’t what to sa-ay! I mean, you have NO idea what this means to me!
Roy Orbison: My own personal shades, baby.
Alice Sloan: Oh, God! It’s a MIND BLOWER!!
Roy Orbison: [ squinting ] Hey, baby… you take those shades… I’ll see you tomorrow, baby.
Alice Sloan: Okay, Roy! Thank you!
[ Alice exits, as Roy steps to the back of the stage and dons a replacement pair of sunglasses ]
Bandleader: Okay, Roy. You want to take it from the top.
Roy Orbison: Okay.
Bandleader: Alright, you ready?
Roy Orbison: Okay. From the top!
[ the backing band breaks into “Pretty Woman”, as Roy moves stiffly about the stage with his guitar in position ]
Roy Orbison: [ singing ]
“Pretty Woman!
Walking down the street.
Pretty Woman!
The kind I’d like to meet.
Pretty Woman.
I don’t believe you, you’re not the truth
No one could look as good as you.
Mercy!
Pretty Woman, stop a while
Pretty Woman, talk a while
Pretty Woman, give your smile to meeeeeee!
Pretty Woman, yeah, yeah, yeah
Pretty Woman, look my way
Pretty Woman, say you’ll stay with meeeeeee!”
[ Roy removes his shades, only to reveal another pair beneath ]
“‘Cause I need you
I’ll treat you right
Come to me, baby
Be mine toniiiii-hiiii-hiiiight!”
[ remaining stiff as a board, Roy falls over backwards on the high note ]
[ Roy’s manager jumps in, grabs the microphone and thrusts it toward Roy, who is lying flat on his back and still performing ]
Roy Orbison: [ singing ]
“Pretty Woman!
Don’t walk on by.
Pretty Woman!
Don’t make me cry.
Pretty Woman.”
[ Roy struggles to get to his feet, aided by his manager who lifts him back in place without Roy’s moving a muscle ]
“– must be okay.
I guess I’ll go on home, it’s late.
Maybe tomorrow night, but wait.”
[ Roy glances stage right ]
“What do I see-ee-ee?
Is she walking back to meeeeee..?”
[ Roy nearly falls backwards again, but his manager jumps in and holds him up ]
Roy Orbison: [ singing ]
Yeeaaaahhh…
She’s walking back to me.
O-o-o-o-o-ohhhhh….”
[ despite the manager’s efforts, Roy falls stiffly sideways and crashes to the floor on his stomach ]
[ dissolve to title card ]
[ fade ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 3: Episode 1
77a: Steve Martin / Jackson Browne
Royale Deluxe II
Spokesman…..Dan Aykroyd
Spokesman: Introducing the 1978 Royal Deluxe II. A luxury nameand a luxury ride at a middle-range price? Impossible? We’ve come to Temple Beth Shalom in Little Neck, New York, and asked Rabbi Mayer Taklas to circumcise 8-day-old Benjamin Kanter while riding in the back seat of the elegant Royal Deluxe II.
Performing circumcision is demanding. It requires a sure handand a steady cutting surface. [ the car takes off ] To show you that our ride is the finest, sweetest in the world, we’ve deliberately picked this road because of its rough, uneven surface. This was an actual demonstration. Speed: 40 MPH.
The stylish Royal Deluxe II rides smooth because we built it right! [ the car drives over potholes ] Unique hydrodine suspension system, rack and pinion steering to ensure outstanding durability and control. And every new stylish Royal Deluxe II offers, as standard equipment, power front disc brakes.
[ a toy ball bounces into the street, as the car brakes sharply and we hear the baby cry after the Rabbi makes his final snip ]
Rabbi: Poifect!
Spokesman: You may never have to perform a circumcision in the Royal Deluxe II, but if you do, we’re sure you’ll agree with Rabbi Taklas..
Rabbi: That’s a beautiful baby.. and a beautiful car!
Announcer: Royal Deluxe II. A beautiful car.
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 3: Episode 1
77a: Steve Martin / Jackson Browne
Weekend Update with Dan Aykroyd & Jane Curtin
…..Dan Aykroyd
…..Jane Curtin
…..Laraine Newman
…..Bill Murray
…..Garrett Morris
…..John Belushi
[ open on the new Weekend Update newsdesk: Jane Curtin and Dan Aykroud seated in position, as the night’s correspondents, Bill Murray, John Belushi, and Laraine Newman, stand around them. Garrett Morris soon steps forward as well. ]
Announcer: And now “Weekend Update”, with the “Weekend Update” news team. Here are co-anchorpersons Dan Aykroyd and Jane Curtin.
[ cut to close-up two-shot of Jane and Dan ]
Dan Aykroyd: Good evening, I’m Dan Aykroyd.
Jane Curtin: And I’m Jane Curtin.
Our top story tonight: The house of Represnetatives, yesterdays, voted to increase the mandatory retirement age from 65 to 70. Opponents of the measure immediately released a bill raising the age of birth from 0 to 5.
In November, President Carter will make a 24,000-mile journey, taking him from Venuezela, Brazil, India, Iran, France, Poland, Belgium, and Nigeria. Carter cancelled plans to spend Thanksgiving with Idi Amin in Uganda, saying he doesn’t like the taste of Turk.
Jane Curtin: Thank you, Jane. This just in: the Surgeon General’s office has released results of tests which establish a definite link between fire and third-degree burns.
Jane Curtin: Correspondent Laraine Newman has just returned from a month-long trip to China, and has filed this report. Laraine?
Laraine Newman: Jane, I spent Rosh Hanshana (?) this year in the People’s Republic of China. And I must say, I can recommend it highly to anyone looking for an interesting way to ring in the new year — or gong in the new year, as they say in Beijing, Jane. But… my trip was marred by a somber event, Jane: the observance of the first anniversary of the death of Chairman Mao Tse-tung It was an impressive and emotional ceremony, with literally millions of people who made pilgrimages to Peking to pay homage to their fallen leader. And I was proud and happy to represent “Weekend Update” in this event. I was also fortunate to obtain one of a limited number of official mementos of this occasion. [ she grabs a prop ] It’s this replica of Chairman Mao in his crystal vault. [ she flips the prop upside-down, which has the same comic event of a snowglobe ] It’s not only a fitting commemorative object, Jane, but it is also quite decorative as well. The new Mao paperweight, Jane! Back to you.
Jane Curtin: [ clearly appalled ] Fascinating.
Cher Bono checked out of Doctor’s Hospital in New York last week, after undergoing cosmetic surgery to have her breasts lifted. Husband Gregg Allman could not be reached for comment, as we understand that he’s just checked into Doctor’s Hospital to have his hands lifted.
Dan Aykroyd: I hope things work out okay there, Jane.
Jane Curtin: I do, too, Dan.
Dan Aykroyd: We’ll be right back after the weather.
[ they sit there nearly uncomfortable, waiting for the cut to the weather ]
[ cut to Autumn footage, as SUPER appears:
“WEATHER UPDATE
Temperature 75: degrees F: 24 degrees C
Barometer: Broken
Air Quality: The Pits” ]
[ next screen reads:
“Five Days Ahead
Sun. Showers 72 degrees
Mon. Cool 65 degrees
Tues. Mild 75 degrees
Wed. Firestorms 451 degrees
Thur. No data –” ]
[ cut back to the news desk, as Bill Murray sits to Jane’s right and looks around ]
Jane Curtin: And here’s film critic Bill Murray, with a review of “The Deep” for us. Bill?
Bill Murray: Thank you, Jane. Hello, everybody. And I mean that. Now, get out of here! I love you! I hope everyone had a primo summer. Yours Truly, the Party Animal, went totally insane for three months!
Say, speaking of fun, tonight I’m reviewing “The Deep”, Columbia Pictures’ summer blockbuster smash. The same guy who wrote “Jaws” — Benchley — wrote it. They gave him multo dinero to do it again. Anyway, I haven’t seen the film yet, uh — I went to the screening, they usually start late… my date was drunk, and I arrived later that usual and missed the whole thing. I asked some friends about it, and they said, “Well, you know, Jacqueline Bisset looks GREAT!” Well, you know, when I think of myself, I think of a guy who has no preconceptions… and I love that about myself, I LOve it! And, with movie tastes involved, you just can’t trust anybody. so I’m gonna screen a clip of the movie right now, and then I’ll tell you what I think. Can we roll that tape, Davey?
[ cut to footage of divers under the water ]
Of course, Nick Note, there he is. Oh, there’s Jackie. She looks terrific. They say on the set she was terrific with the animals, and look how close they get to her.
[ cut to dinner scene in the film ]
There’s Nick… and Robert Shaw…
[ cut back to Bill at the dek ]
Hmm… [ thinking ] Nick Nolte, LOSE the moustache. Okay? Lose it. Totally. I mean, who are you kidding? You look like a Denver cop. Come on. Give me one break. Please! That’s NOT the Nick Nolte that I know and I loved in “Rich Man, Poor Man”. Now don’t get me wrong and moan about it and call me up. I’m sorry, Nick, that’s the way I feel! Now, get OUT of here! I mean it!
Robert Shaw. You disturb me, Robert, you really do. I used to LOVE you, and I don’t think there’s anyone who’s more respected in the entire industry. But the accent — I mean, what are you? What are you, Scotch, English, Irish? You always sound like you’re selling Lucky Stars, or something — Irish Spring. You know, fix that up. Will you? Please? And regain my respect. Please? Thank you.
Jackie Bisset. Your time has come, girl. Your charm and body filled the entire screen. But you’ve GOT to stop doing this stuff, it doesn’t stretch you as an actress. Now, you can be a success, honey, IF you look out for Jackie Bisset. Now, come on! Don’t let any o these little-minded people try to make you what you’re not. You’re YOU! BE it! Just BE Jackie! We love Jackie! BE it!
Okay, that’s my first review of the season. You don’t like it? Well, I’m sorry, but that’s the way I feel. Now, get out of here! I mean it! This is Bill Murray for “Weekend Update”, throwing it over to my buddy at the sports desk — Garrett Morris. Get out of here, Garrett!
Garrett Morris: Great, Bill. Great, really great, Bill. Uh — this Thursday, Mohamed Ali defends his title against Ernie Shavers. And, although people say that Ali’s out of shape, I still pick the champ to win. Especially after this mishap this week, when Shaver’s sparring partner hit him so hard that it knocked Ernie’s brain through his helmet. Now, in figh circles, an exposed brain is considered a disadvantage.
And, uh, two weeks ago, Hank Aaron’s home run record was broken by Sadaharu Oh, a Japanese player for the Tokyo Giants. And we have a tape of that historic occasion. [ roll tape ] There’s the shot… Now, it looks like a 100-foot homer, doesn’t it? But, actually, that fence is a little over sixty feet. You see, everything is smaller over there. I’ve been over there, you know, and the bases look like little bean bags, and they use this little tiny ball, it looks almost like a golf ball. Yeah, I think the man’s gonna do the speech now — yeah. The balls are much lighter over there, too, I know that.
Sadaharu Oh: [ withtranslated SUPER ] “I’m the luckiest man on the face of the Earth. Even luckier than Lou Gehrig. Let’s face it… I’m not that great an athlete. I’m short, awkward and I’m also not a Negro. If I were playing in the United States, I’d be hitting around .203. I’m the luckiest non-Negro on Earth. Good Night.”
[ cut back to Garrett ]
Garrett Morris: And that’s the sports. Back to you, Dan.
Dan Aykroyd: Okay, Garrett. Thanks, uh — thanks a lot.
In a settlement reached this week, Jacqueline Onassis will receive $26 million from her late husband’s estate, with the following conditions: She will break all ties with the family, she will drop all further claims, and she will return Mr. Onassis’ body.
Jane Curtin: “Update” correspondent Jhon Belushi has just returned from Durango, Mexico, and he has this report for us. John?
John Belushi: Thank you, Janey. You know, every year “Weekend Update” awards a scholarship to a worthy student from another country who shows, in our opinion, promise in the field of journalism.It’s a $2,500 award, which is comprised of contributions collected from the members of our own “Weekend Update” news team. Ferreting out the proper recipient is a tough task, indeed, and this year found me south of the border in beautiful Durango, Mexico. Which is located, uhhh — about 800 miles south of El Paso.
[ show trip photo ]
Here I am. That’s a, uh — beautiful, beautiful waterfalls there.
[ next photo ]
And, uh, there is Father Chu Chu Marin, Headmaster of Durango’s School for Boys. He recommended a handful of youngsters who he deemed worthy of this scholarship. [ next photo ] There’s some of them. Who to choose. That was the hard part — until I met Carlos Santangelo.
[ reveal Carlos’ photo ]
An 18-year old student. And I immediately knew that I finally connected with the best candidate for the scholarship. Though other students had better grades and more journalistic promise than the illiterate Carlos, I chose him because I discovered that he had some connections of his own.
[ reveal photo of John and Carlos holding a bag of marijuana ]
Here I am, uh — here I am making the official presentation to award winner Carlos Santangelo.
[ cut back to John at the news desk ]
So, special considerations for next year’s award will be given to worthy students who attend school at Bogota, Columbia. Okay, Jane. I think we all benefitted from that little trip, didn’t we?
Jane Curtin: [ aghast ] I think we all did, John.
Entertainer Sammy Davis, Jr., in an effort to cut down on expenses, has gotten rid of his limosine. However, he has kept his chauffeur, shown here delivering Davis to a nightclub engagement.
Dan Aykroyd: This just in: In a daring midnight raid, the houston Police force has arrested the Philadelphia Police force.
[ the following SCROLL appears above Dan’s head as he delivers the next story: “…For Update viewers who are hard of hearing: — for the next 30 seconds there will be a test of the Emergency Broadcast System ….. We repeat, this is just a test … BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEP …. Thank you …. ” ]
Dan Aykroyd: During the Lance Hearings, Sen. Charles Percy of Illinois has been inaccurately accused of tax fraud and embezzlement. Percy later apologized, saying that anyone can make a mistake. Well, this story has JUST come in: In 1946, while in the Navy, Percy had sex with a polar bear.
Jane Curtin: Uh, wait a minute, Dan. We just had a reprot that that story is inaccurate. But we do have this, uh, from one of our sources: In 1972, Percy personally ordered the assassination of baseball player Roberto Clemente.
Dan Aykroyd: Uh, this bulletin is JUST coming in, Jane: That last story is, in fact, inaccurate, but we DO have information that in 1957, Percy ordered the assassination of a polar bear while having SEX with Roberto Clemente. [ Jane shakes her head ] More on that story, uh, when we get some of the facts. [ he looks offscreen ] Will someone check that out?
Jane Curtin: Well, that’s the news. I’m Jane Curtin.
Dan Aykroyd: And… Dan Aykroyd.
Jane Curtin: Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.
Announcer: “Weekend Update” is a presenation of Saturday Night News. Keeping America informed for over a fiftieth of a century.
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 2: Mardi Gras Special
Fats Domino As Sung By Garrett Morris
…..Garrett Morris
[ open on close-up of doubloon with Fats Domino’s head on it ]
Announcer: Now, for a limited time only, Telecomm Records presents:
[ doubloon spins around to reveal Garrett Morris’ head on the back side ]
A treasury of Fats Domino, as sung by Garrett Morris!
[ dissolve to Garrett Morris seated at a piano, as he plays the notes for “Blueberry Hill” ]
Garrett Morris: [ singing ] “I found my thri-ill!” [ hits the same set of notes twelve times ]
Hi! I’m Garrett Morris! And, if you act RIGHT NOW, you can get this and many more of the music of Fats Domino, as sung by me, Garrett Morris! You’ll get:
[ singing ] “Ain’t.. that.. a shame!” [ hits the same set of twelve notes from “Blueberry Hill” ]
“My tears fell like rain!” [ hits those same twelve notes again ]
[ song titles scroll:
Blueberry Hill
Jambalaya
Domino Twist
Please Don’t Leave Me
The Fat Man
Blue Monday
I’m In Love Again
I’m Walkin
Whole Lot Of Lovin
I’m Gonna Be A Wheel Someday
I Want to Walk You Home
Walking to New Orleans
My Girl Josephine ]
Garrett Morris: This, and many, many more of Fats Domino’s wonderful music, sung by a guy who has always loved The Fats! And who tries as much as he can, to sound just a little bit like him! You’ll get:
[ singing ] “Blue Monday” [ hits those same twelve notes on the piano ]
“How I hate Blue Monday!” [ same twelve notes ]
“All my tiredness, has gone awaaaayyy!!”
[ song title scroll repeats itself ]
AND! The best thing about this amazing TV offer, is that the music of Fats Domino as sung by Garrett Morris, is ONLY $49.95! Yes, $49.95! And I even sing Fats’ BIGGEST hit:
[ singing ] “I found my thri-ill!” [ same twelve notes ]
RIGHT on the record! So order NOW, while it’s on demand!
[ singing ] “That’s why I’m walkin’ to New Orleans!” [ same twelve notes ]
[ dissolve to doubloon with Garrett’s head on it, and SUPER: “Treasury of Fats Domino, Pier 26, New York, NY 10007” ]
Announcer: Send now, for your own treasury of Fats Domino, sung by Garrett Morris. Pier 26, New York, New York.
[ fade ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 2: Mardi Gras Special
Goodnights
…..Randy Newman
…..Buck Henry
…..Jane Curtin
Randy Newman: Thank you! Good night! Good night to you all, and now over to Buck and Jane!
[ cut back to SNL’s reviewing grandstand at the corner of Bourbon and Canal streets ]
Buck Henry: Thank you, Randy. Uh, Jane, you might as well just tell them all.
Jane Curtin: The parade has not been delayed – it doesn’t exist! It never did. “Mardi Gras” is just the French word meaning “no parade.” Good night!
Buck Henry: Thanks, and good night.
[ credits roll, as the crowd cheers ]
[ there’s a momentary glimpse of Garrett Morris and the cast and crew standing among a cut sketch — Garett, most noticably, holding up a book that reads “Roots II.” ]
Don Pardo V/O: Next week: Saturday Night’s host will be Steve Martin, with special guests Lily Tomlin and The Kinks. That’s 11:30, 10:30 Central Time. This is Don Pardo. Good night!