Author: Don Roy King

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 3

11c: Ben Stiller / Foster the People

Bruce Springsteen: Just the Stories

DJ Supersoak…..Jason Sudeikis
Lil’ Blaster…..Nasim PedradMC George Castanza…..Jay Pharoah
Ass Dan…..Bobby Moynihan
Eckhart Tolle…..Ben Stiller

[ open on fiery graphics ]

Announcer: Under-Underground Records is BACK!

[ cut to DJ Supersoak and Lil’ Blaster ]

DJ Supersoak: What up, yo! I’m DJ Supersoak!

Lil’ Blaster: And I’m Lil’ Blaster!

DJ Supersoak: And in case you didn’t notice, it’s time for the most dope-tastic holiday of the year!

Together: COLUMBUS DAY!!

Lil’ Blaster: WHOO WHOO!! And what better way to celebrate, than by coming to this SWEET-ASS festival, yo!

Announcer: Announcing the first-ever Columbus Day Assblast!

[ cut to DJ Supersoak and Lil Blaster ]

DJ Supersoak: We got performances from all the hottest underground rap and rock bands!

Announcer: These bands will… GIVE! QUEEN ISABELLA! POLYPS!!

[ explosion ]

Announcer: With performances by: Sploink! SMC Hammertoe! Baby Nutsack! The Lesbian Forest! Yo Gabba Gabba! Crucifying Kudrow! And a very special a cappella performance… by Mrs. Potato Dick!

[ cut to DJ Supersoak and Lil’ Blaster ]

DJ Supersoak: The Columbis Day Assblast is ALSO about giving back! Here to tell you more, is MC George Castanza!

[ cut to MC George Castanza ]

MC George Castanza: Yo! We got a NEW charity for y’all, it’s called…

Announcer: DIRT FOR NATIVE AMERICANS!

MC George Castanza: When we came to America, Columbus stole all the Native Americans’ land! Now, we’re giving a bunch of it BACK! So bring us your LOOSE DIRT! Whoooo! Divots! [ he makes a squakly sound ] And full-on mud clumps, and we’ll give YOU:

Announcer: A FRONT WEDGIE!!

DJ Supersoak: And you KNOW we got some fresh-ass special guests, y’all!

Lil’ Blaster: You get to hang with the robot from “…Batteries Not Included”!

DJ Supersoak: Party with the cast of ABC’s hit show “Dinosaurs”!

Announcer: [ over group photo of actors ] WITHOUT THEIR COSTUMES!!

Lil Blaster: Or, just have group sex with the Kia Gerbils! Damn! And you KNOW our friend Ass Dan will be in full effect!

[ cut to Ass Dan standing in front of a van ]

Ass Dan: Ohhhhhhhhh, yeaaahh!! You KNOW I’m still alive — BITCH!! I’m gonna live… [ he grabs his arm ] I think I’m having a heart attack… [ he straightens himsefl ] Nah, it’s cool. It passed. [ he gets cocky again ] Yeah, BITCH!! You KNOW I’m gonna live for —

[ freeze-frame, with SUPER: “Ass Dan, 1981-2011” ]

DJ Supersoak: Worried you won’t be able to cheat on your girlfriend?

Announcer: [ with SUPER ] YOU WILL!

Lil’ Blaster: ‘Cuase the festival’s gonna be crawling with THREE Hispanic prostitutes!

Announcer: [ over graphics ] Nina! Pinta! And Scuzzy Beth!

Lil’ Blaster: There’s gonna be so much DUMB STUFF to do! Like show your little-ass boobs to an old guy!

DJ Supersoak: Get real high and cry!

Lil’ Blaster: And, obviously, you can have a Crap-Off with The Shark himself — Greg Norman!

DJ Supersoak: Yo! I hear that gets gross!

Lil’ Blaster: Ha ha! I ain’t shy!

DJ Supersoak: [ high-fiving her ] I know that, kiddo! Yo! You MUST swing by Eckhart Tolle’s Power Now booth! He’s gonna scramble up your brain, yo!

[ cut to Eckhart Tolle ]

Eckhart Tolle: [ slowly ] The true key… to spiritual… fulfillment… is simply… [ he stares quietly ]

[ return to DJ Supersoak ]

DJ Supersoak: Yo! We gotta move on and come back later to heaer the end of that long-ass sentence!

Lil’ Blaster: That dude blinks too much! But he has me appreciating the now! Let’s sheck back and see if his pause is over!

[ return to Eckhart Tolle, now with a tear falling from his eye ]

DJ Supersoak: Ohhh, snap! That little effer’s crying now!

[ explosion ]

Announcer: ASSBLAST!!

Lil’ Blaster: You can play FarmVille… with Khalid Sheikh Mohammed! And the Taco Bell dog announces his next project!

Announcer: [ over SUPER ] HIS DEATH!!

DJ Supersoak: And you KNOW we got some horny-ass bonobos running all over this BITCH!!

[ reveal the bonobos, as DJ Supersoak laughs ]

DJ Supersoak: Hell, yeah!

Lil’ Blaster: You KNOW it sucks!

Announcer: Columbus Day Assblast!!

[ explosion ]

Lil’ Blaster: Get your tickets NOW — BITCHES!!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 3

11c: Ben Stiller / Foster the People

Bruce Springsteen: Just the Stories

Bruce Springsteen…..Ben Stiller
Lil’ Stevie…..Fred Armisen

[ open on fake stock photos of Bruce Springsteen performing ]

Announcer: Bruce Springsteen. The Boss. You’ve loved his music for years. you’ve bought the re-issues, and you’ve bought the live bootlegs. But if you’re a TRUE Bruce fan, there’s one thing you’re missing to make your collection complete:

[ dissolve to Bruce Springsteen in concert ]

Bruce Springsteen: [ addressing the crowd ] …And my Daddy said to me, he said, “Son… you’d better be going to get a haircut!” And I said, “Sorry, Pops! But tonight… I’m going drag-racing by the old abandoned ferris wheel.” [ grunting ] “Hun! Hoo! Haa! Hay!”

[ the band licks their first beat, then the screen cut to the product slide ]

Announcer: It’s Bruce Springsteen: Just The Stories. A complete collection of the stories Bruce tells in between songs. Classic stories like: “Motorcycle Crash”… “Vietnam Draft Board”… “Lil Stevie (First Meeting)”… “My Brother Gave Me A Haircut With A Buck-knife”… “This One Time We All Got Bandanas”… and, of course, “Summer Jobs”:

[ dissolve to Bruce Springsteen in concert ]

Bruce Springsteen: [ addressing the crowd ] …When I was 16, I got a job stacking rust at a DIRT factory! And the summer after that, I got paid to keep turtles from crossing the turnpike! Then, the NEXT summer, my friends and I worked in a drive-in movie theater with no speakers. We got paid twenty cents an hour to lean in people’s windows and tell them what was happening. It was a good job… but it wasn’t as good as rock and roll! [ grunting ] “Hun! Hoo! Haa! Hay!”

[ the band licks their first beat, then the screen cut to the product slide ]

Announcer: Bruce remembers everything that EVER happened to him. And now, you will, too! And if you order today, you’ll receive a bonus DVD of “Lil’ Stevie: Tries A Story”.

Lil’ Stevie: So, the, uh… the guy loads up the sandwich with prosciut… you know. And it’s like, uh… you know. It’s like, uh… what do they call it now? Two books on top of the other! You know? Uh, I go to pay… and this fat bitch behind the counter…

Bruce Springsteen: [ interrupting ] You’re right, brother! [ grunting ] “Hun! Hoo! Haa! Hay!”

[ the band licks their first beat, then the screen cut to the product slide ]

Announcer: Bruce Springsteen: Just The Stories. Order today!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 3

11c: Ben Stiller / Foster the People

Fox & Friends

Steve Doocy…..Taran Killam
Gretchen Carlson…..Vanessa Bayer
Brian Kilmeade…..Bobby Moynihan
Lou the Fact Checker…..Fred Armisen
Hank Williams, Jr…..Jason sudeikis
Chris Brooks…..Ben Stiller

[ open on FOX graphics ]

Announcer: You’re watching “Fox and Friends”.

[ dissolve to set ]

Steve Doocy: Welcome back to “Fox and Friends”! I’m Steve Doocy. And joinging me, as always — Gretchen Carlson and Brian Kilmeade!

Gretchen Carlson: Good morning!

Brian Kilmeade: Happy Monday!

Steve Doocy: Well! It’s been two weeks, and this “Occupy Wall Street” business keeps going! And I, for one, don’t knoqw what these people want!

Gretchen Carlson: I’ll tell you what they need.

Brian Kilmeade: Uh-oh!

Steve Doocy: Look out!

Gretchen Carlson: A shower!

Brian Kilmeade: There she goes!

Steve Doocy: [ laughing ] What really gets me mad… is how people are now comparing Occupy Wall Street to the Tea Party.

Gretchen Carlson: You know, it’s apples and oranges.

Steve Doocy: It’s night and day!

Brian Kilmeade: Yeah. Just Batman and bananas.

Gretchen Carlson: I mean, it’s nuts, okay? These protesters want anarchy… and, you know, all the Tea Party ever wanted was no government!

Steve Doocy: [ thinking ] I-isn’t that anarchy?

Gretchen Carlson: Uh — no! [ stumbling ] Anarchy is no government while people play bongos.

Steve Doocy: You know… and I gotta say, you young people have gotta be careful, ’cause it’s so easy to get sucked into this crazy mob mentality.

Brian Kilmeade: So true, so true. I once thought I was following a crowd of people into Yankee Stadium…but it turns out I was in a breast cancer walk. When it was over, I was ten miles from my car and I had to take the bus home.

Steve Doocy: Alright, now, now, get this. According to reports, the protests are costing the city of New York $1 trillion a day!

Brian Kilmeade: Wow… wow…

Gretchen Carlson: Now, that can’t be right.

Steve Doocy: That’s what I heard!

Gretchen Carlson: Okay. Well, when we have a question, we can always go to our fact-checker Lou. Lou?

[ cut to Lou glancing through notes that fall to the floor, so he casts a salute instead ]

Steve Doocy: Aw, good ol’ Lou, always keeping us honest! Alright, moving on. We had a little “incident” this week on “Fox & Friends”.

Brian Kilmeade: Oh, yeah! It got weird!

Steve Doocy: We asked country music legend and voice of “Mondaty Night Football”, Hank Williams, Jr. to come on our show and, uh… let’s say he got himself into a little bit of trouble!

Steve Doocy: Uh, Mr. Williams campared President Obama to Hitler… and we just don’t say that on this show.

Brian Kilmeade: We imply it.

Steve Doocy: That’s right, that’s right. It’s called… manners.

Gretchen Carlson: Exactly! So, here to explain himself, is Hank Williams, Jr.

[ cut to Hank Williams, Jr. ]

Hank Williams, Jr.: Hey there, fellas! I know who the friends is, and who’s the fox! Lookin’ good, Gretchen!

Chris Brooks: Okay, hold up, Hank… [ leaning in ] If I, uh — if I may speak for Mr. Williams.

Steve Doocy: Uh, yeah… and, uh, who are you?

Chris Brooks: I’m Chris Brooks, Mr. Williams’ media representative. i’ll be speaking for him from this point forward. Now, I understand you’re upset, but you have to admit… YOU made a big mistake, by letting Mr. Williams come on your show… and speak for himself.

Hank Williams, Jr.: That’s right!

Chris Brooks: I mean, what did you think he would say? Look at him. He looks like a truck stop Santa Claus.

Hank Williams, Jr.: [ miming pulling a truck horn ] Ho, ho, ho-o-o-o-o-o!!

Steve Doocy: S-so… this is our fault?

Chris Brooks: Well, you had a big role in it… and Mr. Williams would like an apology.

Hank Williams, Jr.: Hell, yeah! Apologize to Bocephus!

Chris Brooks: Hank, stop it… you’re not helping…

Hank Williams, Jr.: Of course I’m not helping, I’m crazy!

Chris Brooks: [ to the pundits ] You introduced Mr. Williams as a man who knew a “thing or two” about politics. Telling him he’s a political analyst is akin to giving a baby a gun.

Hank Williams, Jr.: Hey! Don’t give a baby a gun! President Barack Hitler will just take it away!

Gretchen Carlson: [ smiling ] There he goes again!

Brian Kilmeade: He sure did!

Chris Brooks: You see? That’s what Hank does! He calls everyone he doesn’t like Hitler! He called some of his friends Hitler!

Hank Williams, Jr.: Yeah, most of them are good guys… except for Travis — he’s a real Hitler!

Steve Doocy: I-I’m sorry… I don’t see how this is our problem.

Chris Brooks: Like I said — you let him talk. Waht Mr. Williams is good at, is writing songs. Like, uh, “There’s a Tear in My Beer”… and sing-talking in front of cheerleaders from “Monday Night Football”.

Hank Williams, Jr.: Hmm-hmm.

Chris Brooks: Now… he wants to make this right, and he wrote a song to prove it.

Steve Doocy: Well, let’s hear it.

Hank Williams, Jr.: You want me to sing it now?

Chris Brooks: Yes. Now.

Hank Williams, Jr.: [ screaming ]
“Are you ready for an apology?!
Well, you NOT gonna get ooooone!
Because I calls ’em like I see ’em, and Obama’s –“

[ picture cuts out ]

Steve Doocy: Wow! Uh… well, I think I speak for all of us when I say: “Apology accepted!”

Gretchen Carlson: Let’s take a quick break. But, first, our fact-checkers have finished combing over the firs two hours of the show, and we have a few corrections!

[ a list of corrections SCROLL upward quickly, reading:

“The second president of the United States was John Quincy Adams, not Sam Adams summer Ale.

A movie and motion picture are the same thing.

Juice is a drinkable substance.

There are seven continents not one thousand.

The “West Memphis Three” is not a jazz quartet.

America is not currently under a “level 9 liberty alert”. There is no such thing as a “level 9 liberty alert.”

Presidential dog “Bo” Obama does not collect social security checks, nor is he an undocumented Peruvian housekeeper in disguise.

Julie Andrews is an award winning British actress. She has never been on trial for kidnapping.

Windows are typically made of glass

President Obama did not pardon Carmen Sandiego

Flu shots prevent influenza and have nothing to do with getting into heaven

Nancy Pelosi did not appear on an episode of River Monsters

There is not now, nor has there ever been a plan to air-consition the Grand Canyon

Herman Cain did not invent Pizza.

Christopher Columbus sailed to what is now the modern day United States in an effort to find a trade route to the West Indies. Not to flee the dragons.

No Transformers have ever been found on the moon.

Flo from the progressive Insurance ads is a living human being, not the ghost of a Civil War widow.

Africa is widely regarded to be the origin of the human specieis. It was not “discovered only a handful of years ago.”

The Jewish Holiday just celebrated was Rosh Hashanah not Rush Hot Bananas.

Nicholas Cage did not sign the Declaration of Independence.

There is no known connection between the Oklahoma City Bombing and The Bay City Rollers

Electric cars are not powered by electric eagles.

Carrying a child in a Baby Bjorn does not cause homsexuality, in the child or the adult.

The Washington Monument was not named after Denzel Washington. Nor was it named after the Washington Redskins.

The Pope does not hold a world record in speed skating.

Abraham Lincoln is not alive and living in Amish, Pennsylvania. There is no such place as Amish, Pennsylvania.

Mount Rushmore does not include the face of Spiderman.

There are indeed several laws that prohibit pointing a gun at a mail carrier.

Pocahontas was not named after a stripper.

Vermont still exists.

There is currently no bill before the house that would mandate the eating of flan on Thanksgiving.

Mary Magdalene was not eaten by a dinosaur.

General Tso did not win the Civil War for the Confederacy.

Rick Perry was not a contestant on “The Amazing Race” nor was he the winner of the Real World/Road Rules Challenge

“Time in a Bottle” was never the national anthem.

Whole Foods does not povide free abortions.” ]

Brian Kilmeade: See you after this quick break!

[ dissolve to FOX graphics ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 21

10u: Ed Helms / Paul Simon

The Buchanan Brothers

Platinum Buchanan…..Ed Helms
Sandy-Haired Buchanan…..Taran Killam
Dan Fouts…..Bill Hader
Mrs. Fouts…..Kristen Wiig
Daughter…..Vanessa Bayer
Boyfriend…..Paul Brittain

INT. FOUTS HOME – NIGHT

[ DAN FOUTS & HIS WIFE observe their daughter and her date before they step out for the evening. ]

Boyfriend: Don’t worry, Mr. & Mrs. Fouts — your daughter’s in good hands.

Daughter: Bye Mom! Bye Dad! Don’t wait up for me…

Mrs. Fouts: What time will you be home?

Daughter: Who knows? It’s prom night!

[ The youngsters depart. ]

Mrs. Fouts: I’m worried, Dan.

Dan Fouts: About what?

Mrs. Fouts: They’re not going to… do it? Are they?

Dan Fouts: I did IT all to YOU on our Prom Night.

Mrs. Fouts: But we grew up in a nastier time.

Dan Fouts: Don’t worry. I put this in their car —

[ He holds up a CD. ]

[ COVER ART OF “THE BUCHANAN BROTHERS – KEEPING IT SOFT: ULTIMATE TURN-OFFS” ]

Mrs. Fouts (V/O): “The Buchanan Brothers – Keeping it Soft: Ulitmate Turn-Offs” Collection.

Dan Fouts: There’s a lot of songs out there to put you in the mood. But listen as Buchanan Brothers take you OUT of the mood… WAY OUT!

[ CUT TO PERFORMING STAGE ]

[ THE BUCHANAN BROTHERS, one PLATINUM BLONDE, moustached and the other SANDY-HAIRED, clean shaven, wear matching retro 70’s wardrobes and sway to an opening melody. ]

[ SUPER: “REMEMBER THAT” ]

Sandy-Haired Buchanan: [ singing ]
“You’re both getting closer.
The night’s feeling so right.”

Platinum Buchanan: [ singing ]
“Let me ask you a question,
before your love takes flight.”

Sandy-Haired Buchanan: [ singing ]
“Remember when you saw your
grandmother’s naked boobie?”

Both: [ singing ]
“Remember that time you saw?
Remember that time you saw?
A single, flapping naked boob!”

[ BACK TO FOUTS HOME ]

[ The couple is discomforted after hearing the previous track. ]

Dan Fouts: That’s no fun to think about!

Mrs. Fouts: Makes me feel weird.

Dan Fouts: No one’s getting laid after that — or this…

[ BACK TO STAGE ]

[ SUPER: “DEEP DOWN” ]

Sandy-Haired Buchanan: [ singing ]
“Soft hug.”

Platinum Buchanan: [ singing ]
“Soft kiss.”

Sandy-Haired Buchanan: [ singing ]
“Now think about a carpeted bathroom.”

Platinum Buchanan: [ singing ]
“There’s never a time that carpet dries out.”

Both: [ singing ]
“If you pulled it up, you’d see
thousands of silver fish.”

[ BACK TO FOUTS HOME ]

Dan Fouts: Ugh! That was fairly gross.

Mrs. Fouts: I’ll say. And the Buchanan Brothers really bring the unsexy back with this next hit…

[ BACK TO STAGE ]

[ SUPER: “SO RIGHT” ]

Sandy-Haired Buchanan: [ singing ]
“Think about the Native Americans.”

Platinum Buchanan: [ singing ]
“Think about what we did to them.”

Both: [ singing ]
“We’ll never make that right!”

[ BACK TO FOUTS HOME ]

Dan Fouts: How could anyone make love with exploited, Native Americans on their mind?

Mrs. Fouts: That’s the point. And there’s more… with songs like – –

[ SUPER: “Hickory-Smoked Cheddar Cheese Breath” ]

Dan Fouts: “Hickory-Smoked Cheddar Cheese Breath”

[ SUPER: “Your Cousin Dreamt About You” ]

Mrs. Fouts: “Your Cousin Dreamt About You”

[ SUPER: “Clumped Warm Mayonnaise” ]

Dan Fouts: “Clumped Warm Mayonnaise.” And…

[ SUPER: “Adult Baptisms” ]

Mrs. Fouts: “Adult Baptisms”

Dan Fouts: Plus, this “keep-it-in-your pants” single…

[ BACK TO STAGE ]

[ SUPER: “IRRE’CYST’ABLE” ]

Both: [ singing ]
“Some cysts can
grow teeth and hair.
What if one’s
inside you now?
Growing teeth and hair!”

[ BACK TO FOUTS HOME ]

[ The couple’s daughter comes storming in. ]

Daughter: Hi Mom! Hi Dad! I don’t want to talk about it! Good night!

[ She runs upstairs quick. ]

Mrs. Fouts: Sounds like somebody had a horrible night.

[ Dan chuckles. ]

Dan Fouts: Let’s hope it the first of many more to come.

Mrs. Fouts: Thanks, Buchanan Brothers!

Dan Fouts: We’re great parents!

Mrs. Fouts: We sure are! [ a beat ] Hey, I’m in the mood. Let’s say we go upstairs and finish what they couldn’t get started.

Dan Fouts: Hang on — let’s listen to this bonus track first…

[ BACK TO STAGE ]

[ SUPER: “DUST = 90% SKIN” ]

Sandy-Haired Buchanan: [ singing ]
“I love you!”

Platinum Buchanan: [ singing ]
“And I want you!”

Both: [ singing ]
“Did you know that
90% of dust is skin!”

Sandy-Haired Buchanan: [ singing ]
“You breathe in other people’s skin!”

[ BACK TO FOUTS HOME ]

Mrs. Fouts: Never mind about going upstairs now.

Dan Fouts: Good. Thanks, Buchanan Brothers!

[ CD COVER ART ]

[ SUPER: AVAILABLE WHEREVER CD’S ARE STILL SOLD. ]

Announcer: Available wherever CD’s are still sold.

[ END ]

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 21

10u: Ed Helms / Paul Simon

Republican Candidate

Republican Candidate…..Ed Helms

[ open on stock footage of eagle soaring, majestic fields, etc. ]

Announcer: This election season, America will decide if we want four more years of politics as usual… or if we think, as a nation, we can do better.

[ dissolve to random Republican candidate seated on his desk ]

Republican Candidate: I think we can do better. Hello, I’m either Tim Pawlenty, Mitch Daniels, or Gary Johnson. And I believe I’M the man that can get this country back on track.

[ cut to close-up shot ]

I understand that, with such a crowded field of candidates, it’s hard to tell us apart. We all look the same, and our names are boring. But, whoever I am, there are some things I know to be true.

[ cut to wide shot ]

I know that free enterprise is the beating heart of any vibrant democracy. I know that I’m a white male between the ages of 45 and 60. I know that I’m not Donald Trump or Newt Gingrich, because you know what they look like. But I might be Joh Huntsman or John Thune. In conclusion: My dad, the military, dogs, church stuff.

I’m Tim Pawlenty, Mitch Daniels, John Thune, John Huntsman, Gary Johnson, Mitch Johnson, Tim Daniels, or Hunt Mitchman. And I approved this message.

[ cut to American flag graphic ]

Announcer: Paid for by Land’s End.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 22


]]>








Amazon.com Widgets

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:







Bit Players:

Guest Writer:


May 21st, 2011

Justin Timberlake

Lady Gaga

None

Patricia Clarkson

Susan Sarandon

Bradley Cooper

Jimmy Fallon

None

Jorma Taccone

Strauss-Kahn’s CellSummary: Upon being admitted into Rikers Island, Dominique Strauss-Kahn (Taran Killam) is accosted by a pair of inmated (Kenan Thompson, Jay Pharoah) who want to discuss the world economy.

Transcript

Montage

Justin Timberlake’s MonologueSummary: Justin Timberlake sings about how he’s not going to sing on tonight’s show.

Transcript

LiquorvilleSummary: A business owner (Kristen Wiig) dressed as a tea bag faces competition from Liquorville’s beer bottle (Justin Timberlake) and wine bottle (Lady Gaga) mascots.

Recurring Characters: Mascot.

WXPD NewsSummary: Elder reporter Herb Welch (Bill Hader) teeters through a live remote at a high school following a carbon monoxide scare.

Recurring Characters: Anchor, Herb Welch.

Transcript

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: “Dick in a Box”/”Mother Lover” bad boys (Andy Samberg, Justin Timberlake) engage in a “3-Way (The Golden Rule)” with one girl (Lady Gaga).

Lady Gaga performs “The Edge Of Glory” and “Judas”

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Seth Meyers asks “Really?!?” when Arnold Schwarzenegger reveals his 14-year affair with the family maid. During an installment of “Get in the Cage”, Nicolas Cage (Andy Samberg) asks Bradley Cooper why he wasn’t in “The Hangover 2”. Seth Meyers says goodbye for the summer and heads off for a vacation getaway with Stefon (Bill Hader).

Recurring Characters: Nicolas Cage, Stefon.

Transcript

What’s That Name?Summary: Celebrity game show contestant and all-around asshole Justin Timberlake can’t remember girl he had sex with (Abby Elliott) or former bandmate Chris Kirkpatrick (Taran Killam), while Lady Gaga easily recalls everyone she’s ever met.

Recurring Characters: Vince Blight.

Transcript

Merryville Love Tunnel RideSummary: When the love tunnel ride breaks down on its track, amusement park visitor (Jason Sudeikis) is freaked out when the animatronic robots (Taran Killam, Justin Timberlake, Bill Hader) hit on his girlfriend (Nasim Pedrad).

Recurring Characters: Robot, Repairman.

Secret WordSummary: Emcee Lyle Round (Bill Hader) is frustrated when celebrity panelists Mindy Grayson (Kristen Wiig) and The Mysterious Crandell (Justin Timberlake) are unable to grasp the concept of the game without sacrificing their huge egos.

Recurring Characters: Lyle Round, Mindy Grayson.

Lady Gaga performs “Born This Way”

The Barry Gibb Talk ShowSummary: Robin Gibb (Justin Timberlake) remains mum while Barry Gibb (Jimmy Fallon) issues insane threats to his political guests, just like all those other times.

Recurring Characters: Barry Gibb, Robin Gibb, Rachel Maddow, Roland S. Martin.

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Top Gun 25th Anniversary DVDSummary: The new DVD and Blu-Ray release features audition outtakes from 80’s-era celebrities.

The Miley Cyrus ShowSummary: Miley Cyrus (Vanessa Bayer) has a pretty cool time interviewing Jimmy Fallon (Justin Timberlake) and singing with ?uestLove (Kenan Thompson).

Recurring Characters: Miley Cyrus, Billy Ray Cyrus.

MozartSummary: Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart (Justin Timberlake) arrogantly decides he should move on from composing music to doing live theater with his partner-in-crime Antonio Salieri (Andy Samberg).

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 22

10v: Justin Timberlake / Lady Gaga

Goodnights

…..Justin Timberlake
…..Jimmy Fallon

Justin Timberlake: Thank you to Lady Gaga! Jimmy Fallon! Bradley Cooper! Susan Sarandon! Patricia Clarkson!

Jimmy Fallon: Justin Timberlaaaaaaake!!

Justin Timberlake: Come on, man! Thank you, and that’s the season, baby!

Jimmy Fallon: Have a good summerrrrrrr!!

Justin Timberlake: Whoo!!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 22

10v: Justin Timberlake / Lady Gaga

Strauss-Kahn’s Cell

Guard…..Paul Brittain
Dominique Gaston André Strauss-Kahn…..Taran Killam
Inmate #1…..Jay Pharoah
Inmate #2…..Kenan Thompson

[ open on exterior, Rikers Island ]

[ dissolve to interior, jail cell, as Dominique Gaston André Strauss-Kahn is led inside by a Guard ]

Guard: Probably not the high-end accomodations you’re used to, Mr. Strauss-Kahn, but, uh, make yourself at home.

[ Strauss-Kahn sits on a bench as the Guard exits; a pair of inmates at the rear of the cell take notice ]

Inmate #1: Did you hear what I heard?

Inmate #2: Well, we best introduce ourselves!

[ they step forward and surround Strauss-Kahn ]

Inmate #2: Hey! Hey, we heard all about you on the news!

Inmate #1: Mr. Dominique Strauss-Kahn! Former head of the IMF!

Inmate #2: Well, guess what, Mr. Strauss-Kahn? I have a question for YOU! [ he leans closer ] What’s the IMF gonna do about the debt crisis in Greece?

Inmate #1: I tell you what I’D do: I’d let ’em default, get Greece out of the Eurozone.

Inmate #2: Come on, man! You gotta give Greece a chance to settle they debt!

Inmate #1: With what?! Greeks don’t be payin’ their taxes! Where’s the revenue gonna come from? They gonna sell a chillion dollars worth of feta?

Inmate #2: Oh, snap! Come on now! Come on now, don’t be beatin’ on the Greeks!

Inmate #1: You know what the biggest Greek export is? Hard-working Greeks!

Inmate #2: True! True!

[ Strauss-Kahn smiles quietly ]

Inmate #2: Yeah, Strauss-Kahn kinda likes that! Look at Strauss-Kahn! Ha ha! Yeah!

Inmate #1: Yo! You wanna feel bad for somebody? Feel bad for the Irish.

Inmate #2: Oh, I hear that! You GOTTA feel Ireland! [ they bump fists ]

Inmate #1: Man. The Irish been eatin’ dirt and potatoes for 400 years. You can’t blame them for thinking it was their time for soem happiness.

Inmate #2: Yeah, but the good news is, the Irish know how to HANDLE hard times! They like the Germans!

Inmate #1: What?! You can’t say that! The Germans the only people in Europe that know the score right now!

Inmate #2: What about Sweden?

Inmate #1: I mean countries in the Eurozone.

Inmate #2: Well, you didn’t SAY that!

Inmate #1: [ he shrugs ] We talkin’ about the Euros! So leave Sweden out of it!

Inmate #2: Well, when it comes to the Euro, Sweden thanks God every day that they were left out of it! [ he playfully shoves Strauss-Kahn ] You know what I’m talkin’ about, Strauss-Kahn![ Strauss-Kahn smiles along ]

Inmate #2: Yeah, he likes THAT one! See, he’s smiling a little bit! He’s in JAIL, but he’s smilin’! Yeah!

Inmate #1: All I’m saying, is the Germans have proven that the only way out of a debt crisis is austerity measures. You get in a jam, you gotta cut back.

Inmate #2: Yo! But you can’t expect the rest of Europe to act like Germany! I mean, Germans be GOOD at being hos-tile — that’s they habit! All a German needs to smile, is a half a sausage and a carton of Menthol! I mean, you can’t expect somebody in Spain to be happy with that! In Spain, they need to rezone sangria!

Inmate #1: And I guess Germany has to pay for Spain’s sangria?

Inmate #2: They do if they don’t want the Euro to crumble.

Inmate #1: [ he scoffs ] Would you have Germany bail out Portugal?

Inmate #2: Bitch, you know I got no love for Portugal! Portugal ain’t nothin’ but the dingleberry hanging off of Spain’s nutsack! [ he scoffs ] Portugal! And they low-ass broke! They can fall in the ocean for all I care!

Inmate #1: So now you willin’ to let a domino fall. But when it was Greece, it was a different story.

Inmate #2: Yo! Greece created democracy! I got MAD respect for Greece!

Inmate #1: Man, creation of democracy is in the PAST, yo! Greece wantin’ respect for democracy is like Nas wantin’ respect for Illmatic!

Inmate #2: Oh, snap!

Inmate #1: I mean, DSK know what I’m talkin’ about!

Inmate #2: [ laughing ] Yeah, that’s fair! Okay! That’s fair!

Inmate #1: It’s been really good talkin’ to you, Mr. Strauss-Kahn.

Inmate #2: Yeah. It truly has. So, uh — [ he looks around the cell ] We gonna RAPE you now! Yeah!

[ both inmates place their hands on Strauss-Kahn’s shoulders ]

Inmate #2: And…

All: “LIVE, FROM NEW YORK, IT’S SATURDAY NIGHT!!!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 22

10v: Justin Timberlake / Lady Gaga

Justin Timberlake’s Monologue

…..Justin Timberlake

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Justin Timberlake!

Justin Timberlake: Wow! Wow! Thank you! Thank you! Wow! Thank you mom, I’m glad you’re here tonight mom. Um.. here we are, I’m so excted to be hosting the seson finale of “Saturday Night Live”. Now, in the past when I’ve hosted this show, I’ve also beeen the musical guest. But tonight is different. Okay? Tonight, Lady Gaga is here. Oh, I know yeah! And, ugh, I told Lorne this is great! Now there’s no pressure on me to sing because it’s Gaga’s moment. And then he said, “You’ll do one song, right?” And I said, “I don’t think so.” And he said, “Justin.” And I said, “Lorne.” And he said, “Please”, and he said, “Justin”, and I said, “Lorne”, and he said, “Justin”, and I said, “NO!… Lorne.” And, finally, I realized I had to explain it in a way he’d understand.

[ singing]
“I’m not gonna sing tonight.
No, I’m not gonna sing tonight.
I know you want me to sing and dance around
but I’m gonna let down
’cause I’m not gonna sing tonight.

No I’m not gonna do that.
Just here to do the comedy thing.
And, I’m not gonna sing tonight.
Not gonna do that thing where my voice goes high!
Even though people love it.
Not gonna make the beat drop out.
Then bring it back in
’cause I’m not gonna sing tonight.

Not gonna slow it down a bit
And as I step off stage and make my way to a lady.
And sing to her like she’s the only one here tonight.
You are.
Not gonna do that thing where I sing to the lens without breaking eye contact.
Not gonna do my sexy voice or take a single sexy breath tonight.
Not gonna sing!
I’m not gonna sing!
No matter how much you cry!
I don’t wanna sing!
Just let me do my thing.
And my thing ain’t to sing, no!
Tonight!!!!!!!!
Tonight!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
O!!!!!!

Not gonna do that thing where I take my jacket off and do a silly dance move.
And don’t give me a pork-pied hat ’cause I won’t put it on tonight.
Not gonna do that thing where I shout out a place to get myself some cheaper beers!
Don’t need to do that thing, ’cause I’m in New York City tonight!
Right? Anybody here from Jersey?
Huh? Alright!
So this will be fast.

Not gonna stand in the rain and sing a song like my heart’s been broken.
I did that in a video once and I’m not gonna do it tonight.
I’m not gonna do that thing!
I’m not gonna do that sing!
I’m not gonna sing, said I’m not gonna sing, I’m not gonna sing….
TONIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Justin Timberlake: Lady Gaga is here! Stick around, we’ve got a great show! We’ll be right back!

Submitted by: Connor Cronholm

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 22

10v: Justin Timberlake / Lady Gaga

What’s That Name?

Vince Blight…..Bill Hader
…..Justin Timberlake
…..Lady Gaga
Katie…..Abby Elliott
Alphonse…..Fred Armisen
Chris Kirkpatrick…..Taran Killam

Announcer: And now, it’s time to play: “What’s That Name?” And here’s your host — Vince Blight!

[ Vince Blight runs onto the game set ]

Vince Blight: Hello! Hello and welcome to “What’s That Name?: Celebrity Edition”! The rules are the same as always: We show you a person, you tell us their name. And our contestants today are JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE!!

Justin Timberlake: Alright! How you doing, Vince Blight!

Vince Blight: Good, good! And LADY GAGA!!

Lady Gaga: [ covering one eye ] I’m ready to play… and win!

Vince Blight: Alright! And the firt question goes to you, Justin: [ reveal image ] “This funky feline rapped with Paula Abdul.” What’s That Name?

Justin Timberlake: I know that. Uhhhh… that’s MC Skat Cat!

[ ding! ]

Justin Timberlake: [ singing ] “Two steps forward, two steps back…”

Vince Blight: Oh, you’re the man, J.T.! You just won ten dollars. Next up: Lady Gaga. [ reveal image ] “Though best known for acting in ‘The Princess Bride’, he’s also written several off-Broadway plays.”

Lady Gaga: That is Wallace Shawn.

[ ding! ]

Vince Blight: Alright! Ten dollars to you! Ready to go again, J.T.?

Justin Timberlake: You know it, Vince!

Vince Blight: [ he chuckles ] Ah, this next question is worth $100,000! Here to read the clue… is the woman herself.

[ Katie runs out ]

Katie: We made love at the W Hotel two weeks ago. It was after your premiere. You told me I was beautiful, and to, uh, never give up on my photography! What’s my name?

Justin Timberlake: [ dumbfounded ] …Hey, girl! You… you look good!

Katie: I know! That’s why you had sex with me! What’s my name? We had an inside joke about how my feet were cold! What’s my name?

Justin Timberlake: Uhhh… a hot babe like you… you gotta have a hot name! So… Cheyenne.

[ buzz! ]

Vince Blight: Audience! What’s That Name?

Audience: KATIE!!

Katie: Maybe you would have remembered me… if I was a rapping cat.

Vince Blight: Ooooooohhhh! Good takedown!

Justin Timberlake: [ defensive ] Okay, look — what the hell kind of show is this?

Vince Blight: It’s “What’s That Name?: Celebrity Edition”! Okay, Lady Gaga, you’re up next.

Justin Timberlake: Get ready, Gaga… this game’s tough.

Vince Blight: We’ve got another walk-on clue.

[ Alphone steps out ]

Alphonse: You don’t know me. I saw your Monster show and I hung out by the stage door.

Lady Gaga: [ excited ] Al-Phonse!

[ ding! ]

Justin Timberlake: How — how could you remember him?

Lady Gaga: He said he loves my music. You don’t forget something like that!

[ Timberlake appears stung ]

Lady Gaga: Alphonse. The woman next to you in the Jazzy — that was your sister, Marie, right?

Alphonse: Yeah, yeah! You know, her knees are lousy.

Lady Gaga: Well, you go see MY guy at Lennox Hill! He’s the BEST! And you have him send me the bill.

Alphonse: I pray for you in church!

Lady Gaga: And I for you.

Justin Timberlake: This show’s awful…

Vince Blight: I think you’re awful!

Justin Timberlake: Look, man… I’m just trying to raise some money for my charity, The Hope Foundation.

Vince Blight: [ sarcastically ] Ah, the Hope Foundation! What do they do?

Justin Timberlake: Well, you know… they, uh… uh… they, uh… they.. they raise hope. Uh… they raise hope —

[ buzz! ]

Lady Gaga: If I may, Vince: They promote musical education.

Vince Blight: Thanks, Gaga! And, uh, who are you playing for?

Lady Gaga: I am playing for the People of Japan, of course.

Vince Blight: Of course! Playing for any other cause would be a slap in their face! [ Timberlake is visibly annoyed ] So, Justin — you ready to forget the next name?

Justin Timberlake: [ irked ] Okay! Alright! I just want to say that I meet a lot of people every day, and I love ALL of my fans, okay? But when you only spend two minutes with someone in passing, it’s hard to remember their names!

Vince Blight: That’s fair. Okay, no worry, J.T. Next clue shouldn’t be hard. Bring him out1

[ Chris Kirkpatrick, formerly of N*Sync steps out ]

Chris Kirkpatrick: I was in N*Sync with you! But I’m NOT Lance Bass, you, or Jowy Fatone! What’s my name?

[ Timberlake is dumbstruck, as Lady Gaga covers her mouth ]

Vince Blight: If you can tell me even part of his name… I’ll give every charity on Earth TEN MILLION DOLLARS!

Lady Gaga: [ still covering her mouth ] Oh, I know it, I know it, I know it, I know it…

Vince Blight: I KNOW you know it, Gaga! You know it! But it’s J.T.’s turn.

Chris Kirkpatrick: Come on, man! What’s my name, J.T.!

Justin Timberlake: [ shaking his head ] Uh… I think it’s like, uh… I know this. Uh… Chu-, Choy-. Char-… Charney! Chartie!

Vince Blight: [ amused ] You think his name is “Chartie”? We don’t need a buzzer to know that that’s wrong! But let’s hear one, anyway!

[ buzz! ]

Vince Blight: Audience! What’s That Name!

Lady Gaga: CHRIS KIRKPATRICK!!

Audience: CHRIS KIRKPATRICK!!

Justin Timberlake: I — I — I knew that! I knew that! I knew that!

Vince Blight: Yeah, okay — what’s his name? Real quick! We just said it!

Justin Timberlake: [ stumbling ] Kirk — Kirk — Kirk Charlie!

[ buzz! ]

Vince Blight: You are awful! You’re awful! And that’s our show. I’d like to thank the two of you for playing!

Lady Gaga: And I… would like to thank the crew. The entire crew! Eddie… Mike C… Donna. And everyone in the audience: Matt…

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts