SNL Tonight

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
January 11th, 1997

Kevin Spacey

Beck

John Cleese

Michael Palin

Back, “Devil’s Haircut”

SNL’s Sketch Ratings System

Senile “Monty Python” members Michael Palin & John Cleese explain ratings system.

Kevin Spacey’s Monologue

As Spacey sings, scroll reveals he’s a psycho in real life as well.

Late Show with David Letterman

William Hurt (Spacey) endures interview with distractful Letterman (Norm MacDonald).

Recurring Characters: David Letterman, Paul Shaffer.

Prescriptions

How easy it is to get a medical prescription for marijuana.

Star Wars 20th Anniversary Re-Release I

Christopher Walken (Spacey) and other unsuccessful “Star Wars” auditions.

Recurring Characters: Christopher Walken.

Janet Reno’s Dance Party

Janet Reno (Will Ferrell) shares a dance with Donna Shelala (Spacey) in basement.

Recurring Characters: Janet Reno, President Bill Clinton.

Star Wars 20th Anniversary Re-Release II

More awkward “Star Wars” auditions.

Recurring Characters: Burt Reynolds, Barbara Streisand.

Beck performs “Where It’s At”

Also Performed: 98j, 99g, 02l, 04q, 06d.

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald

Courtney Love (Molly Shannon) shares her acting secrets for Larry Flynt movie.

Recurring Characters: Courtney Love.

Mr. Peepers

Missing link Mr. Peepers (Chris Kattan) makes lab worker (Will Ferrell) uncomfortable.

Recurring Characters: Mr. Peepers.

TV Funhouse

The X-Presidents save the day.

The Joe Pesci Show

Al Pacino (Spacey) co-hosts the show with Joe Pesci (Jim Breuer).

Recurring Characters: Joe Pesci.

Dead Parrot Sketch

John Cleese & Michael Palin are forced to recreate the classic Monty Python sketch.

Beck performs “Devil’s Haircut”

Mrs. Attebury

Mrs. Attebury (Ana Gasteyer) bombards alarm installer (Spacey) with tiresome stories.

Recurring Characters: Mrs. Attebury.

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 22: Episode 9

96i: Rosie O’Donnell / Whitney Houston

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald

…..Norm MacDonald
…..Beavis
…..Butt-Head

[fade up to “Weekend Update/Norm MacDonald” graphic]

[opening music: “O Come All Ye Faithful”]

[dissolve to Norm at the Update desk]

Norm MacDonald: Thank you, folks, I’m Norm MacDonald, and now the fake news.

Our top story tonight comes from the O.J. Simpson civil trial, where this week it was revealed that in his first interview with police, Simpson had refused to take a lie detector test. His reason? It detects lies.

Meanwhile, Simpson defense attorney Robert Baker argued that a dark spot in a crime scene photo was a, quote, “mystery shoe print,” suggesting that there were actually two killers. O.J. hopes this will support his theory that he did not act alone.

President Bill Clinton and Russian president Boris Yeltsin have made tentative plans to meet early next year. According to the White House, the pair will use the meeting to resume their ongoing debate: drinking vs. pot smoking. [applause] Yeah!

The FDA has approved a drug used for anti-depression to help people quit smoking cigarettes. Although it should be noted the drug is crack, so…

A top aviation watchdog group warned this week that the nation’s airlines are vulnerable to terrorist attack. The biggest problem, apparently, watchdog groups pointing out to terrorists that airlines are vulnerable to attack. That’s the…[little reaction] That’s all right.

Over the next two months, the [begins stumbling over his words] murderer…I – I’m sorry, after the…uh – uh…over the next four, the– hih-gyah-gyah! [applause]…Over the next two months, the number of Border Patrol agents in Tuscon, Arizona will double to 49. Meanwhile, the number of illegal aliens sneaking into the country will hold steady at 100 million billion. So…[surprised by lack of reaction] Did I screw something else up or something?

Famed anthropologist Mary Leakey died this Monday at the age of 83. Leakey was buried near her home, where she will rest in peace until some nosy anthropologist digs her up in a couple of…[applause] That’s a nice obituary for the lady.

This week renowned heart surgeon Michael DeBakey attacked the hypocrisy of Hollywood stars who oppose the use of animals in medical research and yet wear ribbons supporting the war on deadly diseases like AIDS. In response, animal activist Ricki Lake said, quote, “But the red ribbon diverts attention from my gigantic ass! [some cheers and applause, then tries to explain the joke]…If it wasn’t for the red ribbon, people would – would notice my gigantic ass more! They– By wearing the red ribbon, less people…”

Well, a big seller this holiday season is Michael Bolton’s Christmas album, This Is the Time. Happy birthday, Jesus! Hope you like crap! [cheers and applause]

Once again, it is Christmas in New York, and while that means angry shoppers and tasteless decorations…[stares at the camera while neatening his stack of papers, makes an aside to the cue card guy] you can flip that card any time you want, [resumes story] it also means something more. Here with a fresh perspective on the meaning of Christmas are the stars of the upcoming movie Beavis and Butt-Head Do America, MTV’s own Beavis and Butt-Head!

[Beavis and Butt-Head appear on the screen behind Norm. Setting is in front of Rockefeller Center. Butt-Head is dressed as Santa. Beavis is dressed as a reindeer.]

Butt-Head: Uh…what? Did he just say our name? Uh huh huh huh.

Beavis: These earphones suck. You can’t get any music on them. It’s just some dumb dork going, “Blah, blah, blah…Christmas is the meaning of…bleeh…”

Norm: Hey – hey – hey – hey guys, it’s – it’s me, Norm MacDonald, you’re on.

Butt-Head: Uh…uh huh huh. What did you just say? Uh huh huh…

Norm: Uh, y – you’re on!

Butt-Head: Uh, you know, Norm, when you just said that, it kinda sounded like you said “urine.” Uh huh huh huh…

Beavis: Heh heh heh m heh! Hey Butt-Head! Heh. You just said “urine” on TV! Heh heh m heh.

Butt-Head: Uh…yes I did. Uh huh huh huh huh. Uh huh…

Norm: Hey come on, guys, hey, how about…how about that report on the true meaning of Christmas, huh?

Butt-Head: Oh yeah. Uh huh huh huh huh. Check this out, uh huh huh. Uh…every year, fat people stuff themselves with tons of food and crap. And yet other people have no place to go and nothing to eat. That’s Christmas. Uh huh huh…

Beavis: Heh heh, yeah really, hm hm heh. Heh heh heh hm m heh!

Norm: So guys, that’s all you have to say about the meaning of Christmas? I mean…what about all the materialism and crass commercialization?

Butt-Head: Oh yeah. Huh huh! We got this movie coming out, it’s called Beavis and Butt-Head Do America, and if everyone goes to see it, we’ll get lots of money!

Beavis: Heh heh, yeah, YEAH, MONEY, MMONEY, MONEY, AND SOME CHICKS, AND A…[Butt-Head pulls on Beavis’ reins] OWW!

Butt-Head: Huh huh. Settle down, Beavis. Uh huh huh huh.

Beavis: Hm heh. Um, hey MacDonald, heh heh, check this out, heh heh hm heh. ‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the theater, not a creature was stirring, except for my peter! Heh heh heh, heh heh heh heh m heh! Boi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oing! Heh heh…

Norm: Okay, thanks a lot, guys. I’ll be thinking of you when I throw another log on the fire.

Butt-Head: Butt-Head: Huh huh huh huh! Log!

Beavis: Hm hm heh heh, fire! Fire! Heh heh heh hm heh…

Norm: Beavis and Butt-Head, ladies and gentlemen! Thanks, fellas!

This week, security guard Richard Jewell, who had sued NBC over comments by Tom Brokaw suggesting that he was the Olympic Park bomber, settled out of court with the network for an undisclosed sum. Meanwhile, the FBI has a new ni – 800 number for tips on the case, and curiously, the first call was from Mr. Jewell, who suggested that they check out Tom Brokaw.

This week, the Chairman of the Board, Frank Sinatra, turned 81 years old, and he was honored by having the Empire State Building lit in blue. Also, in Mr. Sinatra’s honor, the Empire State Building had the Twin Towers rough up the Chrysler Building. [applause]

Grocery and department stores across America have added reserved parking spaces for expectant mothers. Especially excited about this innovation are handicapped drivers, who will finally get to park in someone else’s space.

In a recent interview, actress Goldie Hawn says that she does not mind if the man she’s married to cheats on her, explaining, quote, “Sexual experimentation is a basic need of all men.” You can read more about Goldie Hawn’s personal philosophy in my new book: Goldie Hawn: The Greatest Woman Who Ever Lived. [applause]

And finally, the number one selling doll this Christmas is Tickle Me Elmo. And the least popular selling doll? You guessed it: Tickle Me Frank Stallone.

[surprised by early cut to other camera] Jesus! Good night, everybody! Thanks!

[closing music: Christmas music]

[dissolve to “Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald” graphic]

[fade to black]

Submitted by: Gregory Larson

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 22: Episode 9

96i: Rosie O’Donnell / Whitney Houston

Darnette Disposable Toilets

Announcer…..Will Ferrell
Husband…..Jim Breuer
Wife…..Cheri Oteri

[FADE IN on a woman standing above a toilet with her hands on her hips.]

Announcer: Your bathroom sparkles, but what about the toilet? It’s just not sanitary!

[The wife is seen scrubbing the rim of the toilet with a sponge and qutting in disgust.]

Announcer: You try scrubbing and cleaning, but it’s all a huge hassle. Now you can have a clean toilet after EVERY use, with new Darnette Disposable Toilets.

[CUT to a display of toilets in cardboard cases at a home improvement store.]

Announcer: These fine porcelain fixtures are only $169.95 each. Easy to use, and good for just one flush! How do they work? Simple.

[The husband walks up to the store display, and he and the announcer both heft up a toilet and struggle to put it in the cart.]

Announcer: [off camera] Each time you flush a Darnette toilet, replace it with a new one by following these easy steps:

[As the announcer describes the process, the husband is seen working diligently on replacing the toilet.]

Announcer: Shut off the main water valve and drain the tank. Using the elongated Johnson bar, pry off the toilet bowl and remove it free and clear. Remove the rubber washer and set it to one side. You’ll need it later. Clean up the remaining water that has come out of the trap, replace the wax ring, apply a one-quarter-inch bead of caulk. Lift the bowl high enough to clear the flange bolts, lower it so that the horn of the bowl enters the floor flange and the two bolts come up through the holes on the bottom of the bowl. Seat the toilet on the flange, then, using a Stilson wrench, reattach the feed pipe to the ballcock valve, turn back on the valve to the feed and the main, and voila! In three hours, you’ve got yourself a new toilet. It’s that easy!

[The husband and wife smile in admiration at his work, and then the announcer grins.]

Announcer: And when you’re done with the Darnette disposable toilet, simply convert it into smaller pieces and place it into our customized Darnette dumpster.

[CUT to husband wearing safety goggles and smashing up a used toilet with a sledgehammer out in the yard.]

Announcer: So rest assured every time YOU use the toilet, it’s clean and fresh with Darnette.

[The husband and wife stand above a toilet as the wife blows her nose into a Kleenex and drops it in the toilet. The husband pulls out the elongated Johnson bar and gets ready to pry off the toilet. His wife nods in approval.]

Announcer: And also try our disposable sinks and bathtubs.

[Show a sink and bathtub in display cases, then CUT to the wife and kids enjoying a meal on the patio. The husband comes out, lugging a toilet in his hands, and heaves it into the dumpster. His wife grins happily.]

Announcer: Darnette’s Disposable Toilets. Because if something’s dirty, just throw it away!

[FADE OUT on about ten used toilets littering the backyard.]

Submitted by: Joe Cornfield

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 22: Episode 9

96i: Rosie O’Donnell / Whitney Houston

Mary Katherine Gallagher

Sister…..Rosie O’Donnell
Sean Patrick Flannery…..Will Ferrell
Sister Maria…..Panny Marshall
Mary Katherine Gallagher…..Molly Shannon
Jennifer…..Whitney Houston

[ open on St. Monica’s Christmas Choir practicing ]

Sister: Sto-o-o-o-o-p! Stop! The Intercatholic Chorus Competition is in two days. And our esteemed soloist, Sean Patrick Flannery, sounds like he’s passing a kidney stone!

Sean Patrick Flannery: Is that good?

Sister: No, it’s not good, Sean! Let’s move to the next song, “The Little Drummer Boy”. Jennifer, come down, please.

Jennifer: Yes, Sister. [ steps down ]

Sister: Jennifer, why don’t you take this next song?

Jennifer: Thank you, Sister. [ sticks tongue at Sean Patrick ]

Sister: Alright. [ Sean returns to the back of the choir ] Now, where is my Little Drummer Girl, Mary?

Mary Katherine Gallagher: [ runs into scene, drum strapped around neck ] Mary Katherine Gallagher!

Sister: Mary Katherine Gallagher. I’m fully aware what your name is, yes I am! Now, dear. We’re doing “The Little Drummer Boy”, and that’s you, so go over there and get into your position. Alright? [ Mary takes her place ] Alright, then.. [ walks to Sister Maria at the piano ] Sister Maria!

Sister Maria: [ lifts head ] Yeah! Yeah! I’m up!

Sister: Stay awake during the rehearsals, please, Sister Maria! That’s so much to ask. Let’s begin, please!

[ Sister Maria plays the song on the piano ]

Jennifer: [ performing the solo ]
“Come they told me, pa-rum pum pum pummmmm..”

[ Mary Katherine Gallagher steps in front of Jennifer, starting to sing ]

Jennifer: Sister!br>
Sister: Stop! Stop! STOP!!

Sister Maria: [ stops playing paino ] Stop yelling! I’m not deaf!

Sister: Don’t be mouthing off to me, Sister Maria!

Sister Maria: Don’t you start with me.

Sister: Don’t you start with me!

Sister Maria: Don’t you start with me.

Sister: Now, Mary. What do you think you’re doing, young lady?

Mary Katherine Gallagher: I thought that this was where I was supposed to stand?

Sister: No, no! You’re supposed to stand next to Jennifer! Alright? If you stand in front of her, the audience won’t be able to see beautiful Jennifer’s face, and hear her gorgeous, glorious voice during her solo! Now, please step aside, and let’s begin again. Alright, from where the perfect Jennifer left off! [ returns to the piano ]

[ Sister Maria plays the piano again ]

Jennifer: “I have no gift to bring, pa-rum pum pum pum
To lay before our King, pa-rum pum pum pummmmm..”

[ Mary Katherine Gallagher starts pounding on her drum ]

Sister: STO-O-O-O-O-OPPPPPP!!

Sister Maria: [ singing ] ..in the na-a-a-a-ame of love!
Be-fore you break my heart!”

Sister: Sister Maria! If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you three times: No Motown at rehearsal! [ to Mary ] Now, Mary, for crying out loud! Why are you doing that!

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Well, I’m a Little Drummer Boy, so I’m drumming.

Sister: Yes! But you’re drumming for Jesus Christ, not for Judas Priest!

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Well, I thought that Jennifer needed some help with the tempo, because she sounded a little bit confused.

Sister: Well, maybe the drum was a bad idea, then, wasn’t it, Mary Katherine? You give me the drum now. Give me the sticks, as well! [ takes the drums and sticks away ] Now, you just stand over there, and you just make believe that you’ve got yourself a drum and you’ve got yourself some sticks, alright?

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Sister, before we start again, I just want to say, “Seasons Greetings to All!”

Sister: [ pause ] Alright, let’s continue. Sister Maria.

[ piano plays again ]

Jennifer: “I have no gift to bring, pa-rum pum pum pummmm.”

Mary Katherine Gallagher: [ stepping in ]
“To lay before the King, pa-rum pum pum pum..”

Sister: Stop! Stop!

Sister Maria: Stop with the stopping! [ slaps Sister ]

Sister: No hitting me!

Sister Maria: Oh, God, I’ve got Gambler’s Anonymous in 10 minutes!

Sister: You just sit there and you play when I tell you to! Come here, Mary! [ Maty approaches, hands under her arms ] What are you doing!

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Sometimes, when I get nervous, I stick my fingers under my arm, and I smell them like that. [ demonstrates ] That’s bad.

Sister: It’s not too nice, Mary Katherine! It’s not! Now, listen, this is not a duet, it’s a solo! Jennifer’s solo! Because Jennifer sings very well! And yet, you continue to interrupt her. I’m asking you why you continue to interrupt her?

Mary Katherine Gallagher: The reason that I keep interrupting Jennifer would best be expressed in a monologue from the Made-For-TV movie “A House Without A Christmas”, starring the Tony Award-winning Mr. Jason Robards. [ begins monologue ] “Oh, Daddy! Oh, Daddy! Daddy, I want a Christmas tree in this house! A big, tall, green, beautiful juniper. And we would have one, Daddy, if you weren’t so grumpy all the time. And we would have.. and we would have.. we would have presents, and.. and.. and.. and we would have egg nog with cinnamon and nutmeg and Christmas songs. Oh, Daddy! I want to sing! I want to sing! Do you hear that? Do you hear that?”

Sister Maria: Hear what?

Sister: Hear what!

Jennifer: Hear what?

Mary Katherine Gallagher: [ singing ]
“I hear those sleigh bells jingling
Ring-ting-tingling too.”

Jennifer: [ singing ]
“Come on it’s lovely weather
For a sleigh ride together with you.”

Mary Katherine Gallagher: [ singing ]
“Outside the snow is falling
And friends are calling yoo-hoo.”

Jennifer: [ singing ]
“Come on it’s lovely weather
For a sleigh ride together with you.”

Mary Katherine Gallagher: [ singing ]
“Giddy-up, giddy-up, giddy-up, let’s go,”

Jennifer: [ singing ]
“Let’s look at the snow.”

Mary Katherine Gallagher: [ singing ]
“We’re riding in a wonderland of snow!”

Together: “Giddy-up, giddy-up, giddy-up..”

[ Mary Katherine Gallagher falls over a table full of ornaments, then jumps up from her fall ]

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Merry Christmas!

Sister: Mary Katherine Gallagher! Yuo come with me, Mary Katherine Gallagher! We’ll go see Father O’Reilly, and we’ll talk to him about your detention! Maria! run the rehearsal as if I was here! [ drags Mary Katherine Gallagher out of the room ]

Sister Maria: [ takes a swig of alcohol ] Alright, let’s hit it!

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 22: Episode 7


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:



Bit Players:


December 14th, 1996

Rosie O’Donnell

Whitney Houston

Penny Marshall

Beavis & Butt-Head

A Message From the President of the United StatesSummary: In the spirit of Christmas, President Bill Clinton (Darrell Hammond) and former Senate Majority Leader Bob Dole (Norm MacDonald) make up.

Recurring Characters: President Bill Clinton, Bob Dole, Michael Jackson, Janet Reno, Debbie Rowe.

Montage

Rosie O’Donnell’s MonologueSummary: Rosie O’Donnell sings “I Got You Babe” with Penny Marshall and Whitney Houston.

Darnette Disposable ToiletsSummary: Why use the same toilet more than once?

Transcript

SpartansSummary: Craig (Will Ferrell) and Arianna (Cheri Oteri) perform cheers for Pepperidge Farms.

Recurring Characters: Craig, Arianna.

Mary Katherine GallagherSummary: Mary Katherine Gallagher (Molly Shannon) performs as her school’s Little Drummer Girl.

Recurring Characters: Mary Katherine Gallagher.

Transcript

Delicious DishSummary: Margaret Jo McCullen (Ana Gasteyer) and Teri Rialto (Molly Shannon) discuss gingerbread and citrus.

Recurring Characters: Margaret Jo McCullen, Teri Rialto.

TV FunhouseSummary: The Ambiguously Gay Duo rescues Santa Claus in “Don We Now… or Never”.

A Christmas Greeting from Goat BoyRecurring Characters: Goat Boy.

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonaldSummary: Beavis & Butt-Head share the meaning of Christmas with Norm MacDonald.

Transcript

Whitney Houston sings “I Believe In You & Me”

Rita DelvecchioSummary: Rita (Cheri Oteri) makes amends with bickering neighbor Theresa (Penny Marshall).

Recurring Characters: Rita Delvecchio.

Russell & TateSummary: For Christmas, Russell (Tim Meadows) & Tate (Tracy Morgan) will get your money.

Recurring Characters: Russell, Tate witherspoon.

The Local NewsSummary: Joe Blow (Colin Quinn) hosts a talk show in his basement.

Recurring Characters: Joe Blow.

Whitney Houston sings “I Go To The Rock”

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 22: Episode 8

96h: Martin Short / No Doubt

Martha Stewart Topless Christmas Special

Martha Stewart…..Ana Gasteyer

Martha Stewart Voiceover: I’m Martha Stewart. Join me next week,when I’ll share some old and new ideas for creating a trulymemorable holiday.

Announcer: “Martha Stewart’s Home For the Holiday’s Topless ChristmasSpecial”.

Martha Stewart: [ sitting in her living room, topless ] Hi there. I’mMartha Stewart. It’s my favorite time of year. Sleigh rides, caroling -these are just some of the things that remind us of Christmas.

[ cut to Martha in her Work Room ]

This is my Work Room, where we’ll be making these corn husk garlands. Youcan make them, too, in just 24 simple steps.

[ cut to close-up of Martha sitting in her kitchen ]

Also, we’ll learn how to make beeswax candles. They really say Yuletide.[ camera zooms out to reveal Martha only wearing a dickey ] And, I’ll showyou how to make a festive holiday dickey out of an old turtleneck. I madethis one. I really treasure it.

[ cut to Martha walking through the woods with two male friends ]

Today, we’re taking a field trip to my friend Tom Hardwick’s Christmas treefarm in the Hudson River Valley. [ glances skyward ] Oh, look, there’s agood one. [ they all walk towards it ]

[ cut to Martha back in her living room ]

So, join me, and my special guests, the Westport Boys Choir, for myChristmas special, “Home For the Holidays”. Even if you celebrate Chanukah,it’ll be a jolly good thing. [ Martha stands up and shakes her breastsin front of the boys but behind her black censor box ]

Announcer: “Martha Stewart’s Home For the Holidays Topless ChristmasSpecial”. Wednesday night at 8:00. Parental discretion advised.

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 22: Episode 8

96h: Martin Short / No Doubt

Celebrity Jeopardy

Alex Trebek…..Will Ferrell
Sean Connery…..Darrell Hammond
Burt Reynolds…..Norm MacDonald
Jerry Lewis…..Martin Short

Alex Trebek: Welcome to “Celebrity Jeopardy”. We’ve got three wonderful celebrities playing fro charity. Let’s meet them. Sean Connery.

Sean Connery: Hello, Alex!

Alex Trebek: Burt Reynolds.

Burt Reynolds: How ya doing?

Alex Trebek: And finally, comedy legend, Jerry Lewis.

Jerry Lewis: May I tell you what a joy and a thrill and all it is to be here? It’s super-duper! [ laughs ]

Alex Trebek: Good luck to all three of you.

Jerry Lewis: Yeah, we’re gonna need it! [ laughs ]

Alex Trebek: What do you say we take a look at our board? The categories are: “Celebrities”, “Potpourri”, “Popular Music”, “Movies”, “”potent Potables”, “U.S. History”, and “‘S’ Words”, which are words that begin with the letter “S”. Mr. Connery, it’s your turn.

Sean Connery: [ thinking ] Ah.. I’ll take “Movies” for $400.

Alex Trebek: “John Travolta learned how to dance for this 1977 hit movie”. [ Sean Connery buzzes in ] Mr. Connery?

Sean Connery: That would be “Jaws”.

Alex Trebek: No. “Jaws” is incorrect. And please anwer in the form of a question. [ Burt Reynolds buzzes in ] Burt Reynolds.

Burt Reynolds: What is “Jaws”?

Alex Trebek: No. That was already guessed. [ Jerry Lewis buzzes in ] Mr. Lewis.

Jerry Lewis: If I remember correctly, Alex, that would be “Dancing For.. LADIES!!” I had to go for it!

Alex Trebek: No! That was incorrect, also.. what is “Saturday Night Fever”. Heads up, players. Sean Connery, it’s still your board.

Sean Connery: Uh.. I’ll take “Swords” for $400.

Alex Trebek: It’s actually not “Swords”.. these are words that begin with “S”. The answer is: “Popeye is this sort of man”. [ Reynolds buzzes in ] Burt Reynolds.

Burt Reynolds: What is.. Popeye?

Alex Trebek: [ sighs ] No. [ Connery buzzes in ] Sean Connery. And, remember, these are words that begin with the letter “S”, i>not “Swords”.

Sean Connery: [ bangs podium, thinking ] Saber!

Alex Trebek: No.

Sean Connery: It began with a bloody “S”!

[ Lewis buzzes in, laughing ]

Alex Trebek: Mr. Lewis.

Jerry Lewis: I got the answer, Alex. You want the answer, it’s simple. They’re terrified of a perfectionist. “They” being the people who are running the studios this week.. [ time runs out ]

Alex Trebek: [ sighs again ] I’m sorry, Mr. Lewis. Time’s up. “What is Sailor?” was the correct response. Tough start for everyone. All three celebrities are $800 down.

Sean Connery: [ angry ] The hell if I’m gonna pay you a bloody $800!

Alex Trebek: Please, be assured, Mr. Connery. This is for charity, it’s not your own money. And it is still your board.

Sean Connery: Alright, I’ll take “Movies” for $200.

Alex Trebek: “This racing movie with Dom DeLuise told us that yes cannonballs can run.” [ no one buzzes in ] “Cannonballs can run.” Burt, you might want to guess this. [ Reynolds buzzes in ] Burt Reynolds.

Burt Reynolds: Oh, I don’t know.. Shaekespeare!

Alex Trebek: [ flabbergasted ] No. [ Connery buzzes in ] Sean Connery.

Sean Connery: I’ll not pay this fine, you curd, it’s unjust!

Alex Trebek: You don’t have to pay the.. [ Lewis buzzes in ] Jerry Lewis.

Jerry Lewis: Cannonballin’ Mamim’..

Alex Trebek: Wait, wait, wait.. it sounds like youmight have the right answer! Ddi you say “Cannon”?

Jerry Lewis: Cannon..

Alex Trebek: Now, say “ball”!

Jerry Lewis: Ball..

Alex Trebek: Put them together..

Jerry Lewis: Cannonballin’ Mamin’ aigh-yea! [ smiles ]

Alex Trebek: [ shakes head ] Okay, let’s just move on. Burt, can you please pick a category?

Sean Connery: [ whispering ] Pick “Swords”.

Burt Reynolds: Yeah, sure, give me “Swords”.

Alex Trebek: [ annoyed ] It’s “‘S’ Words”! “‘S’ Words”! And, for how much, Mr. Reynolds?

Burt Reynolds: Aw, hell, let’s go nuts, “Swords” for $48,000!

Alex Trebek: We’re not doing “Swords”! You know what, why don’t we just move on to Final Jeopardy? The category is “Bodies of Water”. “This body of water gave Salt Lake City it’s name.” [ Final Jeopardy music plays, answers are written ] And, time is up. “This body of water gave Salt Lake City it’s name.” Sean Connery, you wrote.. [ screen reads “Swords” ] ..”Swords”. And you wagered.. [ screen shows lines ] ..what appears to be a Roman Numeral Seven.

Sean Connery: That’s an “M”!

Alex Trebek: That is is, Sir. Burt Reynolds, you put down.. [ screen reads “Alex Trebek” ] ..my name, that’s nice. And you wagered.. [ screen reads “Is a Fu..” ] ..”Is A..” ..okay, obviously that’s some sort of swear word. [ Reynolds smiles ] Jerry Lewis.. [ he’s missing from his podium ] ..has wandered off somewhere. Let’s see if he had anything. [ screen shows half-of-hand drawing ] Apparently his answer was an outline of half of his hand. And, he wagered.. [ screen shows rest of hand ] ..the other half of his hand. That’s beautiful. Well, I’d like to thank all of our celebrities for joining us this evening..

Jerry Lewis: [ runs in with glass of water ] I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I was in the little boy’s room! [ spills water on Alex ] Oh, boy, I didn’t mean to do that..

Alex Trebek: ..celebrities for joining us. Unfortunately, because of your scores, money will be taken away from charities.. [ Jerry sticks glass in his mouth and shows Alex ] That’s very funny, Jerry.. Join us tomorrow when we return for more Jeopardy.. [ looking at Lewis acting like a monkey with the glass in his mouth ] I have no idea..

[ Lewis runs into the audience to reach the cameraman ]

Jerry Lewis: Hey, come back! Come over, here, lady! I want to talk to you, Mr. Cameraman! Come to me..

[ fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 22: Episode 8

96h: Martin Short / No Doubt

The Terry Gantner Family Workout

Terry Gantner…..Will Ferrell
Kathy Gantner…..Molly Shannon
Julian Gantner…..Chris Kattan

Terry Gantner: Hey, folks! It’s time to burn some fat, and have son fun – the Terry Gantner way!

Announcer: From Mesa, Arizona, it’s “The Terry Gantner Family Workout”. And now, here’s Terry Gantner.

Terry Gantner: Good morning, and welcome! I hope you folks are ready, because today we’re gonna work on increasing our upper body strength! And how ae we gonna do that? With a combination of aerobics and ka-ra-te! As usual, I’m joined by my lovely wife Kathy, and my son Julian. How you guys doing?

Kathy Gantner: Great!

Julian Gantner: Great!

Terry Gantner: That’s all I need to hear! What do you say we get started – the Terry Gantner way! [ the three of them start to march in place ] Let’s begin with a simple march, just to get the blood going. How we doing, guys?

Julian Gantner: Great, Dad!

Kathy Gantner: Great, honey!

Terry Gantner: Good! Now that we’re warmed up, let’s throw in some cross punches. [ they cross punch ] This is Kathy’s favorite – right, honey?

Kathy Gantner: I love this one!

Terry Gantner: Grab the Lotus. Grab the Lotus. Grab the Lotus. Grab the Lotus. And return to ready position. Always return to ready position! Okay, what do you say we move it up a little bit, and focus all our concentration right up here. [ points to his head, as Julian holds a wooden board in front if him ] Here we go. Tame the tiger.. Tame the tiger.. Tame the tiger.. Tame the tiger.. Tame the tiger.. [ punches board, breaking Terry’s hand instead of the board ] Oh, God! Oh.. God! Oh, sweet God! Sweet bastard! Oh, my God! What kind of wood was that!!

Julian Gantner: Dad, are you all right?

Terry Gantner: What kind of wood was that! What kind of wood was that!! Sweet God! Oh, my God, I have really hurt myself! Oh, my God!

Kathy Gantner: [ grabs his hand ] Let me look at it..

Terry Gantner: [ pulls away ] Get off me!!

Kathy Gantner: I’m sorry!

Terry Gantner: I have hurt my hand!! Oh, lease call a doctor, I have definitely shattered my hand!! Oh, my God, what kind of wood was that!! Oh, my Go-o-od!

Announcer: This has been “The Terry Gantner Family Workout”.

Terry Gantner: It felt like cement!

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 22: Episode 8


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


December 7th, 1996

Martin Short

No Doubt

None

Lorne Michaels

Chevy Chase
O.J. Simpson Child Custody HearingSummary: O.J. Simpson (Tim Meadows) gives the runaround at his child custody hearing.

Recurring Characters: O.J. Simpson.

Montage

Martin Short’s MonologueSummary: After contemplating what he wants his monologue to be about, Martin Short sings about “SNL”‘s peak-and-valley history.

First Hosted: 86f.

Celebrity Jeopardy!Summary: Dumb celebrities Sean Connery (Darrell Hammond), Jerry Lewis (Martin Short), and Burt Reynolds (Norm MacDonald) aggravate intellectual host Alex Trebek (Will Ferrell).

Recurring Characters: Alex Trebek, Sean Connery, Burt Reynolds, Jerry Lewis.

Transcript

Martha Stewart’s Topless Christmas SpecialSummary: The holiday special that centers around a half-naked Martha Stewart (Ana Gasteyer).

Recurring Characters: Martha Stewart.

Transcript

Ed Grimley in HeavenSummary: Merriwether (Chevy Chase), the gatekeeper of Heaven, sends Ed Grimley (Short) is sent back from the dead to get a life.

Recurring Characters: Ed Grimley.

Roxbury GuysSummary: Roxbury Guys (Will Ferrell, Chris Kattan) go club-hopping with foreignor Jaleel (Martin Short).

Recurring Characters: Doug Butabi, Steve Butabi.

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonaldSummary: Lenny the Lion (Colin Quinn) comments on the health care system.

Recurring Characters: Lenny The Lion.

Transcript

No Doubt performs “Don’t Speak”Also Performed: 01i.

The Barbara Walters SpecialSummary: Jackie Rogers, Jr. (Martin Short) recalls embarrassing moments during an interview with Barbara Walters (Cheri Oteri).

Recurring Characters: Barbara Walters, Jackie Rogers, Jr.

Larry Azaria’s Mostly Used Mattresses

The Terry Gantner Family WorkoutSummary: Karate expert Terry Gantner (Will Ferrell) breaks his hand while demonstrating a simple chop move, then screams his agony.

Transcript

The Tinseltown TattlerSummary: Pinky Nye (Martin Short) and Rhona Patton (Molly Shannon) gossip.

No Doubt performs “Excuse Me Mr.”

Happy Holiday TalesSummary: Mickey the Dyke (Cheri Oteri) tells her family that she’s a lesbian.

Recurring Characters: Mickey The Dyke.

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 22: Episode 7

96g: Phil Hartman / Bush

Soldiers not Coming Back

Captain … Phil Hartman
1st Corporal … Jim Breuer
Private Thompson … Tracy Morgan
Corporal Connors … Colin Quinn
Sergeant … Darrell Hammond
Bloomfield … Tim Meadows
2nd Corporal … Mark McKinney
3rd Corporal … Chris Kattan
Miller … Norm Macdonald
Private Sullivan … Will Ferrell

[Snare drum – military music. Stock footage oftransport arriving at makeshift army base on tropicalisland. SUPER: SOMEWHERE IN THE SOUTH PACIFIC / 1942 -Dissolve to a Captain, with pointer and map,explaining plans to a group of uniformedservicemen.]

Captain: Okay, this is our objective, men. Bydestroying this bridge, we cut off their mainsupplies. Any questions?

1st Corporal: Yes. Sir, when does therendezvous start?

Captain: Oh-one-hundred. Don’t be late,Corporal. Okay, men, now look, this isn’t gonna be aSunday picnic. Gonna give it to ya straight. Some ofyou won’t be coming back. Like, for example, you,Private Thompson. You won’t be coming back.

Private Thompson: [confused] Uh, sir?

Captain: You won’t be coming back.

Private Thompson: Uh, why not, sir?

Captain: [chuckles] Why not, Private? Well, Ithink perhaps being mowed down by enemy crossfiremight have something to do with it. Just like, uh,Corporal Connors over here. He won’t be comingback.

Corporal Connors: Sir?

Captain: You won’t be coming back.

Corporal Connors: I’m gonna die, sir?

Captain: I just got done saying that, Corporal.Don’t make me repeat myself, please.

Sergeant: Sir?

Captain: Yes, Sergeant?

Sergeant: Uh, am I hearing this right, sir? Youknow who’s gonna die?

Captain: Well, yes. When you’ve been soldieringas long as I have, then you can predict thesethings.

Sergeant: Ever had a wrong prediction,sir?

Captain: No.

Sergeant: Am I gonna make it, sir?

Captain: No. You won’t be coming back.

1st Man: Am I gonna make it, sir?

Captain: No.

2nd Man: Am I gonna make it, sir?

Captain: Nope.

3rd Man: Am I gonna make it, sir?

Captain: [high pitched, as if it were obvious]No-o-o.

Rogers: Am I gonna make it, sir?

Captain: What? I can’t see. Is that you,Rogers?

Rogers: Yes, sir.

Captain: No.

Bloomfield: Uh, what about me, Captain?

Captain: Well, you’re gonna be fine, Stokowski,uh, A-OK, don’t worry about it.

Bloomfield: Uh, I’m Bloomfield, sir.

Captain: Oh! Bloomfield! You won’t be comingback. Sorry.

2nd Corporal: Uh, wh-wh-what about me,sir?

Captain: Well, Corporal, I’m afraid I’ve gotsome bad news for you.

2nd Corporal: Bad – bad news, sir?

Captain: Yes, you’re being demoted toprivate.

2nd Corporal: [relieved] I am? Is thatall?

Captain: No. You won’t be coming back.

3rd Corporal: Sir, my question is not about me.This is not a question about me. This is an unrelatedquestion.

Captain: Fine. But before you ask it, let mejust say, you won’t be coming back.

3rd Corporal: Oh, come on!

Captain: Yes, you’ll be killed by friendlyfire. Thompson there is gonna shoot you.

Private Thompson: [puts a hand on 3rdCorporal’s shoulder] Sorry, man.

3rd Corporal: Well, I – I won’t let it happen!I’ll make sure I never go near Thompson in thebattle!

Captain: [amused] Yeah, okay, whatever. [to asoldier with a raised hand] Yeah, Private Mitchelson,good to hear from you.

Miller: Uh, Miller, sir.

Captain: Oh, Miller, right. You won’t be comingback.

Miller: [unconcerned] Yeah, yeah, I know, sir.I kind of got that feeling. Listen, uh … what I waswondering was, uh, I thought maybe it’d be faster ifyou told us who’s not gonna die.

Captain: Who’s not gonna die?

Miller: Yeah.

Captain: [thinking] Uh, well, I’m notgonna die, uh, and– Sullivan! You’re not gonnadie.

Private Sullivan: I’m not, sir?

Captain: No. No.

Private Sullivan: [relieved] Oh, thankGod!

Captain: But you are gonna be capturedby enemy troops and you’re gonna be torturedrepeatedly for sport. Many, many, many years — longafter the war is over. In fact, among the nativesyou’ll be known as “Dubonka” or “He Who Begs for theDeath That Will Not Come.”

Private Sullivan: “Dubonka,” sir?

Captain: Dubonka, yes.

Private Sullivan: I, uh, I – I – I don’t wannabe Dubonka, sir.

Captain: [amused] Look, Private, I don’t wantto be allergic to wheat but I have no choice. I’ve hadto live with that. [to Bloomfield] Yes, what is it,Bloomfield?

Bloomfield: Uh, sir, wouldn’t it be easier tobomb this bridge from the air?

Captain: [quickly] Probably. Okay, let’sreview! [turns to the map, uses pointer] … We slipin here, oh-one-hundred. Oh-three-hundred, we take thebridge. Oh-four-hundred, Sullivan becomes Dubonka. Anyquestions? Dubonka, questions?

Private Sullivan: Uh, no. No, sir.

Captain: Okay, men, I’ll see you back here atoh-one-hundred in full combat gear, okay? Okay. Fallout. [The men begin to disperse but the Captain pointsto the 1st Corporal] Ah, not you, Corporal. [The restof the men exit. The Captain puts a hand on thecorporal’s shoulder] Listen, Corporal, I’m afraid Ihave some horrible news for you.

1st Corporal: Horrible news, sir?

Captain: Yeah, let’s take a walk, son. [Theystart to walk off – military music pots up] Have youever heard of the term “Wakatinku”?

1st Corporal: “Wakatinku,” sir?

[They exit. Applause. Fade.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts