Tag: Colin Jost

Weekend Update Pope Francis on his visit to the US

Colin Jost

Pope Francis… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Pope Francis came to the United States last week visiting Washington DC, Philadelphia and our very own, New York city. Here to tell us about his trip is Pope Francis.

[Pope Francis slides in]

Pope Francis: [in Argentinian accent] What up, Jost? Give me that! Give me that! [does fist bump with Colin Jost] What a big set. Respect.

Michael Che: What’s up, bro?

Pope Francis: [patting his chest] Respect!

Colin Jost: So, Pope Francis, how was your stay in the United States?

Pope Francis: My trip was dope. DC was a little boring. [Cut to Pope Francis] Philly had some cuties, but New York was the best and tightest place to be. First thing though, I had to give a mass at the St. Patrick’s cathedral which to me was like a major snooze. But then I played in the Madison Square Garden and I crushed it. Then I went at the party with my disciples. Shout out to Jon Paul, Jio Sappi, Christiano, Leonardo and homie [pats his chest] Dwayne Wayne!

[Cut to Pope Francis and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Okay, yeah. What did you guys get into?

Pope Francis: Yo! The real fun started aftermath. [Cut to Pope Francis] We went to Brooklyn and hit up the shuffle board place and had some free pizza. A Hawaiian pizza. That’s a pizza with pineapple and ham.

[Cut to Pope Francis and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Alright, yes. That sounds pretty chill.

Pope Francis: Oh, it was so chill. It was on a house-boat

[Colin Jost didn’t understand]

[Cut to Pope Francis]

After that we went to a namless chapel on the lower east side with a bartender who only speaks in backwards. And check it, the password was, “Emojis”. You had to figure out the way to express them with your face. Like this. [Pope Francis making emoji faces]

[Cut to Pope Francis and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Very cool. Yeah! And what was it like when you got inside?

Pope Francis: The cast of girls minus Lina was much in awesome artisan and all sugar carers. [Colin Jost didn’t understand a thing] So scrubs. [Cut to Pope Francis] One thing led to another. I wrote this 90 song like Karaoke Garage, you had to do the confession. Mose death is there. And we start belting out. [singing] Closing time.

[Cut to Pope Francis and Colin Jost]

[Colin Jost didn’t understand anything]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. You were with Mose death?

Pope Francis: Shh! You wouldn’t get it. And, I’m always look at the party. Ay! Hit me up in your prayers!

Colin Jost: Pope Francis, everyone!

Pope Francis: Many god blesses to you!

Weekend Update Pete Davidson on politics

Michael Che

Pete Davidson

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: New poll show that while Donald Trump has maintained his lead in the republican primary, in the head to head match up, Hillary Clinton beats Trump among younger voters by a whopping 20%. With more on this is SNL’s resident young person, Pete Davidson.

[Pete Davidson slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Pete Davidson: First of all, I really I should let you know that actually, I don’t know much about politics.

Michael Che: [sarcastically] No! Really?

Pete Davidson: Yeah. I know it’s shocking. [Cut to Pete Davidson] I mean I watch elections the way my girlfriend watches football. I’m like, “Who’s that guy in the suit? Do we want him to win? We want him to win? Okay! Who is Syria?” Anyway, politics gives me anxiety. Like, I tried. I tried to watch it and I’ll turn on the news, and then they’re like, “The senate–“. No, I can’t. We have a senate now? That’s crazy!

Look, I don’t know the difference between the democrat and republican. I just know I’m supposed to be a democrat or my friends will get mad at me. And when I’m around my grandpa, I have to say I’m a republican or he’ll get all excited. And Che, if he asks, we’re not friends.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Michael Che. Michael Che is shaking his head.]

He loves you though, Colin.

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Oh! [giving thumb’s up]

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Michael Che. Michael Che shaking his head.]

Pete Davidson: Big fan of Jost. I’m like most people. When Trump announced he was running [Cut to Pete Davidson] I thought it was funny. But that was 4 months ago. And he’s winning. You know, it’s not funny anymore. You know, I think America needs to stop doing things coz it’s funny. You know? That’s what makes me so mad about Trump. It’s like, coz now that he’s winning, now I actually have to go out and vote. You know? Like, that’s the one good thing about Trump running. Trump presidency is so terrifying, it actually scares people of my age into paying attention to politics. You know who Donald Trump reminds me of? Sanjaya from Amrican Idol.

[Cut to Michael Che and Pete Davidson]

Remember Sanjaya? He had weird hair and he sang like garbage? [Cut to Pete Davidson] Yeah! We were actually like, friends three years ago, but that’s another Update. So, how it started, I thought it would be funny to get people to vote for him. You know, coz he sucked. Like, to keep him in the competition, coz it was like, funny. And the first few times, it was funny. It would be like, “Sanjaya, you are safe.” And you’d be like, “[laughing] That’s not supposed to happen!” But then, one by one, like everybody’s favorite started getting eliminated and it really wasn’t that funny anymore. And then it got down to the final four and everybody was like, “What the hell is Sanjaya doing up there? Now we have to go vote!”

[Cut to Michael Che and Pete Davidson]

Michael Che: Well, you know, Pete. You got through that whole Update without referencing weed or making a penis joke.

Pete Davidson: Oh, I’m not done yet.

Michael Che: No, I think you are. Pete Davidson, everybody!

Pete Davidson: [yelling] Weed! Penis! Weed! Penis!

Weekend Update Leslie Jones on texting in relationship

Colin Jost

Leslie Jones

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: A new study shows that using smartphones and texting can really put a strain on relationships. Here with her take is our relationship expert, Leslie Jones.

[Leslie Jones slides in]

Leslie Jones: Whoo! Ha-ha! Yeah! Thanks for having me, Colin.

Colin Jost: It’s great to see you. Now, you were filming the new Ghostbusters movie all summer, right?

Leslie Jones: Yes! I was. I was. But I wish I was Jost-busting! I ain’t afraid of no Jost!

Colin Jost: Leslie, now… [laughing] What do you think about texting in relationships?

Leslie Jones: Man! It’s tough, Colin. [Cut to Leslie Jones] I was at a party and this fine looking man comes up to me. And he starts talking to me, starts flirting with me, starts singing ‘Strangers in the night’ to me like a full psycho. So, you know I was feeling that. So, I gave my number. No big deal. Then, not only did he text me at 2:40 in the morning, he double text me.

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: He double? What is double text?

Leslie Jones: Man! Okay! He text me [Cut to Leslie Jones] and before I can respond, he text me again. A.K.A. he wants the booty. So, I decided to play it cool and just text back something fun and flirty. “When you coming to get this ass?” Send!

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: And then what? He just never responded?

Leslie Jones: Man, I wish. Instead, [Cut to Leslie Jones] he text me back the one text that no man should ever text a woman. “I just ain’t feeling you like that.” I had to read that, man! And when I read, I read out loud. So, my Uber driver was like, “Damn! That’s cold!”

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: That is cold. Yes.

Leslie Jones: Oh, it gets worse. [Cut to Leslie Jones] Then he doubles down and texts me and says, “He still wants to be friends because I’m so funny.” Oh, so now I’m a clown? I’m one of those clowns that you don’t wanna have sex with?

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Leslie… Just keep going.

Leslie Jones: And let me tell you something, Colin. [Cut to Leslie Jones] Men should be feeling me like that. They always talk about how they want a strong woman who can stand on her own two feet. Well, here I am with massage 12 and I got my own money. I got you, boo! Hey, if you make me laugh, I’ll even write you off as a business expense. But don’t you ever text me, “I just ain’t feeling you like that.” You come and have sex with me and never call me back like a real gentleman!

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Now, I don’t know. I gotta say, Leslie. Now, you’re always kind of flirting and playing like you wanna sleep with me, but you don’t really feel like that.

Leslie Jones: Oh! Wait a minute! I wanna hit that! Oh, I wanna have sexuals with you Mr. Colin Jost. How am I being shuttle?

Colin Jost: Leslie Jones, everybody!

Leslie Jones: How am I being shuttle?

Michael Che: For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight!

Weekend Update 3

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of a calendar marking October 2015 at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: October is Polish American Heritage Month. For more information about Poland, you can google it by sticking out your finger and having two other people move the keyboard up and down.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of map of California at left top corner.]

Michael Che: Police in California are searching for the person who broke into a woman’s house and stole a box containing her late husband’s ashes. It’s like they always say, “No matter what, some bitches always tryna take your man!”

[Picture changes to a Walmart logo and a cop car]

Pennsylvania police arrested a man how was caught masturbating in a Walmart parking lot. That’s how low their prices are.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a Walmart logo and a cop car at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: In his defense, he was technically in the loading zone.

Michael Che: No!

[Picture changes to McDonald’s logo and map of New Hampshire]

Colin Jost: A man in New Hampshire was arrested for throwing objects around a local McDonald’s after he ordered a burger without pickles and was given a burger with pickles. The man was embarrassed by the outburst but he doesn’t think it will hurt his campaign [Picture changes to Bernie Sanders] for president.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of police badge at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A police officer in Alabama is retiring after working for 35 years without ever taking a sick day. “What can I say?” said the officer, “I hate my family!”

Weekend Update 2

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of planet Mars at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Researchers have announced they have found the strongest evidence yet of flowing water on Mars. Sadly, all the fountains had signs that read, [Picture changes to drinking water fountain with alien sign on it] “Greens only”. You got long way to go on that planet too.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Dr. Ben Carson at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A new poll of republican voters shows that Donald Trump is now tied with Ben Carson for first place. With both candidates polling an exactly too many percent (toomany%).

[The picture changes to a Burgen King’s black burger.]

Burger King has introduced a Halloween themed burger that has a black bun. Oh, sure, but when I turn black for Halloween, I’m setting back race relation.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che. Michael Che is not happy with Colin Jost’s joke]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a book ‘A Series of Unfortunate Events’ at right top corner.]

Michael Che: I begged you not to do that. The author who wrote children’s book under the name Lemony Snicket, announced that he is donating $1 million to Planned Parenthood. It’s an amount that will cover a whole series of Unfortunate Events.

[The picture changes to a sea turtle]

Scientists have discovered a sea turtle in the south pacific that is the first glowing reptile ever found. And this just in, it’s been shot by a dentist.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Garth Brooks at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Garth Brooks claims that he has lost all of the new material for an upcoming album after his phone containing the songs died. Or, more likely, killed itself.

Weekend Update 1

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]

Colin Jost: What’s up everyone?

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. And here are tonight’s top stories.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Jeb Bush and Donald Trump at left top corner.]

At a town hall even in New Hampshire this week, Jeb Bush criticized Donald Trump saying he can’t take criticism and needs to “put on his big boy pants.” But I don’t know. Things haven’t been going great recently for guys with big boy pants.

[Picture changes to Joe Biden]

Joe Biden has said he will not participate in the first democratic presidential debate but CNN says they’re still holding an empty podium in case he decides to show up last minute. Which makes me wonder, how boring is this debate gonna be? I mean, the first podium is empty, then you got the [Picture changes to Hillary Clinogn] woman who has already won, [Picture changes to Bernie Sanders] the human Lorax, [Picture changes to three other men] and three mannequins from Joseph A Bank. Che, I’ll give you $1 million right now if you can name any one of those guys.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Um, Chuck Woolery.

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: See? And that might have been right. I don’t even know. You can’t even google these guys. You google them, Google’s just like, “Pass!” The only way to make this debate interesting is to have Trump moderate it. Or you have Hillary moderate it and just make it a job interview for Vice President.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton greeting people with audio saying, “I’m Hillary Clinton and I approve this joke.”]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Pope Francis and Kim Davis at right top corner.]

Michael Che: They said Friday that the Pope’s meeting with Kim Davis was just part of a greeting with several other people and does not indicate his support for her position. Yikes! Way to throw her under the [picture changes to a car] Fiat!

[Picture changes to Kim Davis] I mean, of course the Pope would meet with Kim Davis. He’s the pope. That’s his job. He gives hope to the hopeless. The prisoners, the sick, [Picture changes to John Boehner] John Boehner. The pope should be with people who need god the most. If I was pope, I’d be eating Subway sandwiches with Bill Cosby right now. We’d have a lot to talk about.

And say what you will about Kim Davis, but she’s really living a charmed life. I mean, a simple southern woman meeting all these famous and powerful people. She’s like a homophobic Forest Gump.

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Also, her husband definitely looks like Bubba.

Weekend Update Tom Brady

Tom Brady… Taran Killam

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: The NFL has suspended Tom Brady for four games without pay due to findings that it is more than probable Brady knew about the deflation of the game balls. Here to comment, it’s Tom Brady.

[Tom Brady slides in]

[Cheers and applause]

Tom Brady: Hello and good evening, Michael. Looking sharp. Let’s have a great interview.

Michael Che: Yes. Let’s. Tom, I’m gonna ask you the hard questions, okay? Did you know they were letting air out of those balls?

[Cut to Tom Brady]

Tom Brady: Oh, well. I can’t speak to that at this time, Michael. But I do want what’s best for the team and America, and all of you.

[Cut to Colin Jost laughing]

Colin Jost: Aw!

[Cut to Michael Che and Tom Brady]

Michael Che: Jost! Don’t do that! Tom, I’m gonna tell you right now. That Brady charm is not gonna work on me. Okay? These are serious allegations. Do you think punishment is deserved?

[Cut to Tom Brady]

Tom Brady: It’s a great question, Michael. Asked by a great guy! But if I’m being honest, [laughing] I’m sorry. I’m still cracking up over Jost’s Jeb Bush joke.

[Cut to Colin Jost laughing]

Colin Jost: Thanks Tom.

[Cut to Tom Brady]

Tom Brady: Ah, please call me Tommy.

[Cut to Colin Jost laughing]

Colin Jost: Okay.

[Cut to Michael Che and Tom Brady]

Michael Che: Tom, stop trying to distract us and just answer the questions, man! Do you think you will win the appeal and get a reduced punishment?

Tom Brady: You know, [Cut to Tom Brady] Michael, I was asked that very same question by Evan, my favorite make a wish child.

[Cut to Michael Che and Tom Brady]

Michael Che: Tom, you’re gonna stop being likable and answer my questions, okay? Do you feel any responsibility for the Patriots’ $1 million fine and loss of two draft picks?

[Cut to Tom Brady]

Tom Brady: You know, it’s another great question, and I admire your passion. I know my wife does too.

[Cut to Michael Che and Tom Brady]

Michael Che: Tom, I don’t — Wait! Gisele talks about me?

Tom Brady: That’s right. You know my wife?

Michael Che: Yeah, man! It’s Gisele.

Tom Brady: Oh, that’s right. To me, she’s just a mother of my greatest gifts. My American children.

Michael Che: Wait, no! You’re distracting us with your perfectness. Okay? You cheated. You got caught, alright? It’s basically proven. Just face it. Be a man!

[Cut to Tom Brady]

Tom Brady: What kind of man is that, Michael? A man who was a back-up QB in college? Drafted 199th and worked his cute butt off? To win four Superbowls, five NVP awards and more post games seasons– more post season games than anyone in the NFL history?

[Cut to Colin Jost clapping]

Colin Jost: Woo!

Tom Brady: Thank you.

[Cut to Tom Brady]

Thank you. That was a rare Brady flub there, huh, Michael?

[Cut to Michael Che and Tom Brady]

Do you have any idea what kind of pressure that brings, Michael?

[Cut to Tom Brady]

The most! And when you’re under that kind of pressure, sure some air are gonna get squeezed out. But if you thing couple of ounces of air made all the difference in 45-7 win, then I’ve got one thing to say to you, I have no comment at this time and support our troops and god bless the USA.

[Cut to Michael Che and Tom Brady]

Michael Che: Alright! Tom Brady, everyone!

Tom Brady: I’m a gorgeous closed book!

Michael Che: Yeah, we know you are.

[Cut to Colin Jost wiping his tears of joy]

Weekend Update Riblet

Colin Jost

Michael Che

Riblet… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of marijuana at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Police in North Carolina say that a 12 pound package of marijuana washed up on a beach. For some perspective, this is what a 12 pound package of marijuana looks like. [Picture changes to a black music artist]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che]

Colin Jost: Well, it’s our last Weekend Update of the season

Michael Che: Yeah, and for all the jokes we got to tell this year, we also cut a lot of jokes at dress rehearsal.

Colin Jost: Yeah. So, now what we’d like to do is resurrect one joke each that was cut earlier in the year. Okay, I’ll go first.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a knife and a jar of salsa at left top corner.]

Ohio police arrested a woman who allegedly stabbed her boyfriend for eating all of their salsa. Though you’d be angry too if your boyfriend was jalapeno business.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Alright, first of all I hate you for laughing at that. My joke got pulled after dress rehearsal because they said it was too offensive and way over the line, man! But it’s the last show of the season. And, what are they gonna do? So, I’m just gonna do it. Here we go.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a Malaysian Airlines logo at right top corner.]

[audience are already laughing]

Another Malaysian Airlines plane–

[Riblet peeks from behind Michael Che’s back]

Riblet: Too soon, Che! Too soon baby!

Michael Che: Oh, man! It’s my buddy from high school, Riblet, everybody!

Riblet: Go call for the comeback! Yo! It’s Riblet baby! Season 40 finale! Wad up?

Michael Che: Riblet! It’s the finale.

Riblet: I know.

Michael Che: Don’t ruin this for me.

Riblet: Oh, you ruined yourself, Che! Which is why Riblet has got you regulate! So clear my shot Che! Coz I’m about to do your jorb!

Michael Che: You could never do my jorb!

Riblet: Oh, I could not? Oh, really Che? Well, move over back because here comes something leaner!

[Cut to Riblet. There’s a picture of horse racing at right top corner.]

Earlier today, Kentucky Derby winner American Pharoah won the Preakness Stakes. The second leg in horse racing’s triple crown. And he better win the third leg if he wants to keep all four legs.

[yelling] Oh! Shimi-shimi-ya-shimi-ya-shimi-yay!

Give me your jorb so I can take it away!

[Michael Che is getting angry]

What? What? What? What just went down? That was topical as hell! That horse is still running. I just did your jorb!

Michael Che: You did not do my job. You just read one cue card, man!

Riblet: Porfectly! I read one cue card porfectly! Now peep this Michael Che, coz I’m about to creep this!

[Cut to Riblet. There’s a picture of sandwiches at right top corner.]

A new study finds that people who like grilled cheese sandwiches have more sex. This according to a grilled cheese sandwich I just ate at Che’s mama’s house!

[Cut to Michael Che and Riblet]

[yelling] Oh! I just took your jorb!

Michael Che: Alright, man! Look, there’s more to this job than just reading, okay? You gotta know about politics, social issues.

Riblet: Oh, you don’t think Riblet’s not about current affairs?

Michael Che: I don’t!

Riblet: Oh, you don’t?

Michael Che: I don’t!

Riblet: Oh, they call me Sneakers because I about to satisfy.

[Cut to Riblet. There’s a picture of $20 bill with a woman’s face on it.]

The campaign to replace Andrew Jackson with a woman on the $20 bill is being called a significant step forward in gender equality. But if we wanna treat women as equals, we shouldn’t put them on money. We should pay them an equal amount of money. And Michael Che shouldn’t be paid at all!

[Cut to Michael Che and Riblet]

[yelling] Oh! Oh, excuse me. Oh, waiter!

[A waiter brings in a covered dish and leaves]

Thank you. Here we go.

[Riblet opens the lid. There’s a mic.]

How nice. It just got weird, because you just got served!

[Riblet drops the mic on the table]

Michael Che: Riblet, ladies and gentlemen! For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che!

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight!

Weekend Update Pete Davidson on Turning 21

Colin Jost

Pete Davidson

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set.]

Colin Jost: Pete Davidson turned 21 years old this year. Here to comment on finally becoming an adult is our resident young person, Pete Davidson.

[Pete Davidson slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Pete Davidson: What’s up, Colin?

Colin Jost: What’s up, Pete?

Pete Davidson: How are you, man?

Colin Jost: How are you? So, you’re 21. What does it feel like to be an adult? You feel like an adult?

Pete Davidson: Kind of. I mean, I’m 6’3″, 140 pounds. [Cut to Pete Davidson] I kind of look like I should be outside of car dealership flapping in the wind. Now, I just moved out of my mom’s house coz like, my mom and sister were just driving me crazy.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Well, maybe you should just talk to them about that, right?

Pete Davidson: Nah, it’s not my style, Colin. I don’t confront people. [Cut to Pete Davidson] You know? I was raised by a woman. So, you know, when you’re raised by a woman, you tell everybody about the problem… except for the person you have the problem with. You know, that’s how my mom does it. She would come home and be like, “I hate that bitch Dian!” I’d be like, “Well, don’t hang out with Dian.” My mom be like, “I have to. She’s my best friend.”

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Alright. Well, your must have grown up in some way this year, right?

Pete Davidson: Um, I guess so. I see like, signs here and there. [Cut to Pete Davidson] Like, I don’t like Harry Potter as much I used to. You know? I was a huge Harry Potter fan when I was a kid two years ago. And, that’s why I never got any girls in high school. Probably coz I called high school Hogwarts. Also, now I watch those movies and I get mad that Harry never gets laid. He never does. He’s rich, he’s famous, and he’s a wizard. You know? And girls were just throwing in at him but nope! He never makes a move. He had invisibility cloak. And he used it to read more. If that was me, I would be with four of my buddies in the women wizard locker room and we’d ruin that cloak.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Okay. No. No. Honestly, I have to say, Pete. I have seen you grow a lot this year, you know? Maybe not physically or emotionally, but just, you know, in terms of the passage of time.

Pete Davidson: Thanks, I think! Yeah! I mean, I think I’ll grow up a lot this summer too, you know? [Cut to Pete Davidson] I think I’m gonna finally learn how to be on this show. You know? How did I get on this show, Colin? Did my mom see NBC executive hit a kid and drive off? I don’t now how to sing, I don’t know how to dance, I don’t know how to act… and read… or stand up straight. You know, that’s why I’m only here. This is all I can do. You know? I don’t have to stand up or wear pants. I can’t even do impressions. [Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost] I’ve been working on it. You wanna hear one?

Colin Jost: Yeah, please.

Pete Davidson: Okay. [Cut to Pete Davidson] Here’s my impression. [mimicking President Obama] Let me be clear. I’m running for president.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Alright, it’s not a bad Obama.

Pete Davidson: That’s my Hillary Clinton.

Colin Jost: Oh, my god! Pete Davidson, everybody!

Pete Davidson: How am I here?

Weekend Update 2

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of MadMen logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: This Sunday is the series finale of the hit show ‘MadMen’. In the episode, Don Draper is finally ruined in the advertising business after creating [Picture changes to the Hamburgler man wearing mask] the new Hamburgler.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of U2 guitarist The Edge at right top corner.]

Michael Che: During a concert in Vancouver, U2 guitarist The Edge fell off the stage. So I guess you could say that The Edge was walking too close  to the border of that stage.

[Picture changes to the painting Women of Algiers by Picasso at right top corner.]

Pablo Picasso’s ‘Women of Algiers’ was sold for a record setting $179 million. But I can get you a picture of lap sided titties for way less than that.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Sweden and Russia’s flags at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Swedish peace activists are trying to deter the Russian submarines by using a sonar system that broadcast pro-gay messages. Which is also a pretty good description of Bravo!

[Picture changes to Boston University logo]

A newly hired Boston University professor caused controversy after she called white males ‘The problem population’. The professor apologized saying, “I am as sorry as some basic ass Latina.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Taco Bell logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: [laughing] It was reported that Taco Bell in Chicago may soon start selling alcohol. Which is weird because usually, it’s alcohol that sells Taco Bell.