Will Forte Returns Monologue

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Will Forte.

[Will Forte walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Will Forte: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. Oh, man. I am so excited to be here tonight. This is my first time hosting SNL. I was in a cast 12 years ago with
Kristen Wiig, Bill Hader, Andy Samberg, Jason Sudeikis and Fred Armisen. So, it was really fun to see Kristen host. Then Bill. Then, Andy. Then Fred. Then Kristen again. Then Bill again. Then Jason. Seth Meyers. I mean, he’s one of my best buds, but you know, come on. He wasn’t really a sketch guy. He was just on Weekend Update. It doesn’t even count as being on the show? But he hosted, right? John Mulaney was a writer when I was in the cast, and then he hosted… four times! Four times. But hey, that’s okay. You know. I’m not bitter about it. Ha-ha-ha. I’m not. Save the best for last, right? Save the best for way last.

But look after 12 long years, tonight it’s finally my turn. My time to shine. Tonight is all about me.

[Kristen Wiig walks in]

Are you serious? Kristen. Hey! Yeah!

Kristen Wiig: Hey, Will. I am so excited you’re hosting?

Will Forte: Not a good time.

Kristen Wiig: Okay, yeah.

Will Forte: Yeah. Well, good to see you. Bye-bye.

Kristen Wiig: Okay, so I should go?

Will Forte: Yeah, I think so.

Kristen Wiig: You know, I flew in for this.

Will Forte: Oh, great. So, you know where the airport is?

Kristen Wiig: Alright, well, back to North Korea. It was really hard to get out.

[Kristen Wiig walks out]

Will Forte: Alright. I don’t love that she got more applause than when I came out. You know, I came out once when she was hosting, and I did something in her monologue. But I was polite enough to get less applause than her. Yeah. But look, my point is maybe the universe had a reason for making me wait to host. Maybe it wanted me to wait until MacGruber The series was streaming on Peacock. And speaking of MacGruber, I would like to officially announce the MacGruber has been picked up for season two. [cheers and applause] I would like to announce that. But it hasn’t been picked up yet, so I can’t. We’re waiting to hear. But I can announce that you’re in great hands tonight. You know. Strong, veiny, comedy hands. And look, if I could just take a serious moment, I’d like to say how much this show has meant to me. I started my career here. And they’ve always supported me.

[music starts playing in the backbround]

And wait a second. Are they playing me off? Are you are you playing me off in my own monologue? I waited 12 freakin years for this. I mean, have you seen some of the idiots they’ve had host the show since then. Kristin, Phil, Andy, Fred. Alright, fine. I’ll take one question you sir.

[Cut to Lorne Michaels in the audience]

Lorne Michaels: I’m so sorry Will. There’s been a mistake.

[Willem Dafoe walks in]

Willem Dafoe: Hey!

Will Forte: Wait. Willem Dafoe? You’re hosting next week.

Willem Dafoe: I’m pretty sure it’s this week.

Lorne Michaels: You think I would book someone named Will, then someone named Willem?

Will Forte: My god, this is not happening. But you texted me to come host, Lorne.

Lorne Michaels:I texted Willem and you know, autocorrect.

Will Forte:  Alright, fine, then, you know let’s have the fans decide once and for all.

[The poll “who should host?” appears on the screen. Willem Dafoe – 40%. Kristen Wiig – 40%. Maneskin – 10%. Will Forte – 5%. Abandon show, bring back Tom Hanks – 5%.]

Will Forte: Oh my god. 5%. Oh, I guess people do love me. Alright, we have a great show. I’m here. Maneskin is here. So stick around and we’ll be right back.

Ariana DeBose Monologue

Ariana DeBose

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Ariana DeBose.

[Ariana DeBose walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Ariana DeBose: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I am so honored to be here tonight. Wow. 2020 has already been an exciting year. I am I am hosting SNL and I won a Golden Globe for my role as Anita in “West Side Story”. Now, not many people know this, but West Side Story is actually based on another classic tale of star cross lovers, 90 day fiancé. But it is great to be here representing not only the Latino community as an Afro Latina, but also the Broadway community. Obviously Broadway has been through a lot these last past couple of years, last past anyways. But we are a community that perseveres. I believe Broadway changes lives. I mean, hey, it changed mine. And Broadway has this magical ability to bring people together. And I think we can all use a little Broadway right now. Maybe, maybe a little something for West Side Story?

[Kate McKinnon walks in]

Kate: Did I hear sing songs from West Side Story with Kate McKinnon?

Ariana DeBose: Ah, no, but Hi Kate.

Kate: I’m sorry. It’s my favorite show. I’d loved it since elementary school.

Ariana DeBose: Oh, well did you like the movie?

Kate: I didn’t see it. I don’t leave the house because of COVID and also because I don’t leave the house.

Ariana DeBose: Well, in that case, why don’t we bring out some stools and we can sing together?

Kate: No, no, I don’t even know if I even remember the songs. Tonight In a flat. Thanks.

[music playing]

Ariana DeBose: [singing] Tonight, tonight
it all began tonight
I saw you and the world went away

Kate: [singing] Tonight, tonight,
there’s only you tonight
what you want, what you do, what you say

Ariana DeBose: That’s pretty good, Kate.

Kate: I’ve been on Broadway.

Ariana DeBose: Oh, you have?

Kate: Yeah, like, the sidewalk.

Ariana DeBose: [singing] I feel pretty, all so pretty
I feel gritty and witty and gay
I pity any girl who isn’t me today

Kate: [singing] See the pretty girl in that mirror there
who can that attractive girl be?
Which, what, where, who?
such a pretty face, such a pretty dress
such a pretty smile

Ariana DeBose: Such a pretty me

I love that song. I mean, just singing it makes me feel pretty.

Kate: Yeah, which is crazy because like an hour ago we were both in sweatpants spooning our 13 year old cats.

Ariana DeBose: Yeah, well, I wasn’t doing that but that’s okay.

Kate: Yeah, me neither.

Ariana DeBose: Well, Mumbo.

[music playing. Ariana DeBose is dancing]

Your turn!

Kate: Oh, no. They know I dance.

[music playing]

Ariana DeBose: [singing] Could be

Kate: Who knows?

Ariana DeBose: There’s something new anyday
I will know right away
soon as it shows

Both: It may come cannonballing down the
gleam in its ey bright as rose

Ariana DeBose: I like to e in America
okay, by me in America
everything free in America
for a small flee in America

Kate: Finale.

Both: Today, the minutes seem like hours
the hours go so slowly
and still the sky is light
oh moon, go bright
and make this endless day
endless night, tonight.

Ariana DeBose: Whoa! We have got a great show for you tonight. Bleachers are here. So, stick around, we’ll be right back.

Billie Eilish Monologue

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Billie Eilish.

[Billie Eilish walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Billie Eilish: Oh my god. Thank you guys. Hi. How are you doing? I am so excited to be here. My name is Billie Eilish. Thank you. If you don’t know me from my music, you may know me from my hair or my clothes. That is why I decided to dress like Mrs. Claus going to the club. But actually, no, I am only wearing this because after the show, I got to go get married in an anime. Some people wonder why I started wearing baggy clothes. There was actually a good reason. So, it wasn’t just for comfort, or for style. This is hard to say for me. But the real reason I wore big oversized clothes back then is I was actually two kids stacked on top of each other trying to sneak into an R rated movie.

It is so, so great to be back here at SNL. I was the musical guest a couple years ago. But I would never ever think that I would ever host ever. In fact, I used to say that I hated acting. But the truth is when I was little, I loved it. My mom and dad were both actors. So, was my brother Finneas. And it was my dream to be in a movie. And I remember when that dream died. I was nine. And my mom wrote a film inspired by her life. Literally, this is true. She cast my brother Finneas as her son. She played the mom. And in the movie, she had no daughter. So yeah, I got the hint.

I’m kidding. My mom is my best friend. She’s here. I know that you don’t love Finneas more than me. I know that.

[Billie’s mom walks in. He’s Wearing Finneas’ mom t-shirt.]

Mom: I love you, honey.

[She walks out]

Billie Eilish: I love my mom. But that is true. It is so special to be hosting in December. Not only do I love Christmas, and oh my god, it’s so beautiful here in Christmas. Not only do I love Christmas, but my birthday is one week from today. I am turning 20 or as the internet calls that middle aged. But I am actually really excited to get older because I am just now starting to understand who I actually am as a person. And the scary thing about growing up in the public eye is people just decide that everything you say and do and look like is who you are forever. It’s not fair. Would you want to be judged by the way you presented yourself when you’re 16? No. Imagine being current day Colin Jost, and the first thing that comes up when you google yourself is 16 year old Colin Jost. [a picture of young Colin Jost appears on the screen] Yikes. Seen here watching other people go to prom.

But the point is, it takes time and effort to accept who you really are. You’ll be so happy that you did. I spent a lot of years pretending to be somebody that I’m not. Basically acting. And somebody wise once told me, “Billie, you should never ever act.” That person was my mom.

We’ve got a great show for you tonight. I am here so stick around and we’ll be right back.

Simu Liu Monologue

Simu Liu

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Simu Liu.

[Simu Liu walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Simu Liu: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. My name is Sima Liu. Some of you might know me from Marvel’s Shang Chi and the Legend of the 10 Rings. I am officially Marvel’s first openly Chinese superhero. I’m also the first Chinese host on SNL. to be the fourth Chinese toast on SNL. I’m actually Chinese Canadian and I am so happy to be here for the Thanksgiving show. Now, in Canada, Thanksgiving is actually in October and marks the start of the harvest season. Here in America, things are a little different. It’s a November and it marks the start of Black Friday week on Amazon Prime. But I do have a lot to be thankful for. Now, a lot of people ask me how I landed a role in a Marvel movie. The truth is I got Sang Chi how every Canadian gets their big break by asking politely back. No, no, no. For real. Back in 2014, and this is a true story, I tweeted, “Hey, Marvel, great job with Captain America and Thor. Now how about an Asian superhero?” And at the time, I think the tweet got like 10 likes, which was like 10 more than I usually got. But I worked hard. And five years later, Marvel did make their first Asian superhero movie. And after I got the part, I went online and tweeted, “Thanks for getting back to me.” Clearly. I’m Canadian.

Now, I really can’t believe my life right now because 10 years ago, I actually had a job dressing up as Spider Man for kids birthday parties. Which meant parents would pay me to entertain their kids while they were day drinking. I’ll never forget this one birthday boy’s name was Trevor. And like I don’t want to say anything bad about him, but let’s just say he was a real Trevor. Kicking my shins and screaming, “You’re not Spider Man. You’re not Spider Man.” And look, I don’t know if you’ve ever been kicked by a seven year old while wearing a $30 Walmart Spider Man suit but it will break you. It will break your spirit. But it also lit a fire under me. And I don’t know where he is now. But Trevor, if you’re watching, I just want to say you were right. I’m not Spider Man. I’m Shang Chi, bitch!

We got a great show for you tonight. Saweetie is here. So, stick around, we’ll be right back.

Jonathan Majors Monologue

Jonathan Majors

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Jonathan Majors.

[Jonathan Majors walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Jonathan Majors: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. I’m excited to be here. It’s exciting. My name is 1. I’m in a new Netflix The Harder They Fall alongside Edris Elba. It was fun. It was fun filming that movie. But if you ever want to feel bad about how you look, definitely spend two months standing right next to Edris Elba.

Growing up, I’m a military brat. My father was in the Air Force. My mother’s a pastor. So. hallelujah. And I moved around a lot. I like to say I was born in California, raised in Texas, educated in North Carolina, roughed up in New York City and then re educated in New Haven, Connecticut. Which I guess is my roundabout way of saying yeah, I went to Yale.

It’s wild. It’s really wild to be here on this stage. When they told me I was gonna host SNL. I said that’s impossible. For real. I mean, it’s been crazy. It’s been a crazy journey. When I was 17, I was homeless, living in my car, working at Red Lobster and Olive Garden. But you know what? I learned from that experience. You know what I learned? That Red Lobster and Olive Garden are owned by the same parent company. So, you can work in both places with no problem. Side note, it’s crazy how many people got their start at Red Lobster. Both Nicki Minaj and Chris Rock worked there. Now I don’t know what they put in them Cheddar Bay Biscuits but it’s working.

Really, that experience it taught me a lot. It taught me that work hard, if you trust the plan, great things can happen. I’ve got a beautiful daughter. I’m gonna be in the next Marvel Ant-man movie. Or as the black community likes to call it, not Black Panther. And now I am indeed hosting Saturday Night Live. I remember the moment when the way of all that kind of hit me, it finally sank in, I was laying in bed looking at the ceiling and all of a sudden, I got this huge burst of energy, excitement, boom, schedule boy. Something big just happened. And it was okay that it was big. You know? You couldn’t let that bigness scare you and I thought back to this advice my grandpa always gave me. He’d say, “Grandson, everything’s big at first. But you walk up on it, you face it, pretty soon is so small you can put it in your pocket.” Which incidentally is the tagline for the next Ant-man movie.

Alright, look. We got a great show for you all tonight. Taylor Swift is in the house. So, stick around. We’ll be right back.

Kieran Culkin Monologue

Kieran Culkin

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Kieran Culkin .

[Kieran Culkin  walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Kieran Culkin: Wow. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much. I’m so happy to be here right now. I’m Kieran Culkin. For the past few years, I’ve been working on a show called Succession. I play Roman Roy. He’s one of the nicer characters on the show which still makes him one of the top 10 worst humans on TV. This thing happens. Sometimes people will be like, “You know, that part really suits you.” Which isn’t really a compliment. It’s sort of like going up to someone and saying, “You know what role will fit you like a glove? Giuliani.” Aww.

But it’s been a big year. My wife and I just welcomed our second child in August. [cheers and applause] I love being dad. It’s great. And I got asked to host Saturday Night Live. Which has always been– It’s just been a dream of mine. And I gotta say, my wife has been really supportive and just wonderful throughout the process but I have this feeling that she’s been terrified for me. Just very nervous and I think she thinks I’m gonna mess up or something, but Jazz, I don’t know where you are, there you are. I just want to assure you that everything is going to be fine because it doesn’t matter even if I do mess up and “Shame the family”. Thank you. We’re gonna be great.

I actually don’t think that’s gonna happen. That’s really not gonna happen tonight because this isn’t my first time being here. I have been on this very stage. I was on an episode of SNL back when my brother Mac hosted 30 years ago. Almost to the day. I was nine years old. I got to be in three sketches. Two of which are non problematic. That’s good. And at the end of the show, I got to be on the stage for the goodnights and I think we have a clip. Can we show it?

[Cut to an old clip of SNL. The casts are carrying Macauli Culkin on their shoulders and Kieran Culkin is down looking at him.]

So, there’s my brother. And the cast is lifting him up on their shoulders. And there boom. There I am. Clearly jealous. My brother’s up there. He’s got his arms up all like victorious and I’m down there on the ground like, “Me, I want uppies”. So, check out what I do next. I ask Kevin Nilen to pick me up. And he goes, “Yeah, okay, sure.” Just got handed out to the cameras. I don’t know what that was. Like, De Niro impression? I don’t know. Anyway, I wanted to show you that clip two reasons. One in the hopes that someone from the cast will pick me up again at the end of the show. And two, because I have waited 30 years to be back on this stage and say… We’ve got a greta show for you tonight. Ed Sheerran is here. Stick around, we’ll be right back.

Rami Malek Monologue

Rami Malek

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, 1.

[Rami Malek walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Rami Malek: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much. I’m so excited to be here. My name is Rami Malek and I’m honored to be standing on this stage. You know, I’ve played a lot of dramatic roles in my career. Most recently, the new Bon villain. [cheers and applause] Thank you. But I don’t usually do comedy. Yes, I try to play these really intense characters which makes a lot of sense because people tell me I have what’s called a resting villain face. Like, this is my totally neutral. And I know most people would rather play the hero but weirdly, I’ve always been more drawn to villains. I sympathize with them, you know? In “Lion King”, I’m team Scar. I actually found Simba to be kind of annoying. You want to be king? You’re like, three years old. Relax! And in “Silence of the lambs”, I’m always like, “That poor Hannibal.” I mean, that lady just keeps coming in an asking him all these questions. It’s like, leave the guy alone, Clarice! I think a lot of the times villains are just misunderstood. For example, Jaw’s hungry, Dracula’s thirsty, Frankenstein is horny. I can keep going, Darth Vader is just trying to reconnect with his son. Freddie Kruger, encouraging kids to dream. But you know what? It’s nice to see villains finally getting some respect. I mean, Disney’s even made movies where the villain’s names are in the title, right? You got “Cruella”, “Malificent”, “Bambi”.

But look, honestly, I’m happy to play the villain. I’m so happy to be in movies. I never thought this would be my life. I’m a son of Egyptian immigrants and I had this kind of sheltered childhood. It was so sheltered, I grew up in the San Fernando valley in LA, but somehow I had no idea that I lived right next to Hollywood. Seriously, as a kid, I dreamed of going to the walk of fame, the sunset strip, and I truly thought that was a million miles away. And it was just a 10 minute drive. Well, it’s three hours with traffic.

But it was great. I loved growing up there with my family, my mom, my sister, my dad, and my twin brother. Yeah, I got a twin. And yes, he will be swapping places with me in one sketch tonight. And you’ll never know which one. It might even be right now. Nah, I’m kidding. It’s me, Rami. Or is it? No, it is.

But really, this is such a special night for me. Both of my siblings are here and I’m so proud of them. My brother’s a teacher. My sister’s an ER doctor. [cheers and applause] They are truly incredible people and they have devoted their lives to helping others. But I have an Oscar, so…

[cheers and applause]

We’ve got a great show for you tonight. Young Thug is here. So, stick around, we’ll be right back.

Kim Kardashian West Monologue

Kim Kardashian West

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Kim Kardashian West.

[Kim Kardashian West walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Kim Kardashian West: Thank you. Thank you guys so much. I’m Kim Kardashian West and it’s so great to be here tonight. I know. I’m surprised to see me here too. When they asked, I was like, “You want me to host? Why? I haven’t had a movie premiere in a really long time.” I mean actually, I only had that one movie come out and no one told me it was even premiering. It must have slipped my mom’s mind.

I’m excited to be here tonight to show you guys that I’m so much more than just a pretty face. [cheers and applause] But, and good hair, and great makeup, and amazing boobs and a perfect butt. Basically, I’m just so much more than that reference photo my sisters show their plastic surgeons. But the one thing that I’m really proud of is that no one could ever call me a gold digger. Honestly, I’m not even sure how you become one. So, I asked my mom’s boyfriend Corey.

I’ve been very lucky in life and I know that I’m privileged, which is why I try to give back as much as I can. A real passionate mind is getting wrongly accused people out of jail. [cheers and applause] Thank you. I think I’m following in my father’s footsteps. Now, my father was and still is such an influence and inspiration to me, and I credit him with really opening up my eyes to racial injustice. It’s because of him that I met my first black person. Do you want to take a stab in the dark of who it was? I know it’s sort of weird to remember the first black person you met, but O.J. does leave a mark, or several, or none at all. I still don’t know.

Listen, I’m an influencer. So, I understand that the things that I say carry weight. But I would never tell anyone what they can or can’t do. Remember, I’m a Kim, not a Karen. And honestly with all of the ‘K’ names, it’s really impressive that my mom didn’t pick Karen. I mean, somehow she just knew. I don’t know how she saw that one coming and not Katlyn.

Now, I know we’re divided as a country but I love America to come together. Which is why I’m here to announce that I’m running for– I’m just kidding guys. I’m not running for president. We can’t have three failed politicians in one family.

I’ve been very blessed in this life and I’m grateful for everything. Honestly, all the ups, all the downs. I mean, I married the best rapper of all time. Not only that, he’s the richest black man in America. A talented legit genius who gave me four incredible kids. [cheers and applause] So, when I divorced him, you have to know it came down to just one thing. His personality. I know that sounds mean but people keep telling me that comedy comes from truth. And if there’s one thing that I always thrived to be, it’s genuine. So, I just want to say how incredibly excited I am to be up here on this stage tonight. I mean, I’m so used to having 360 million followers watching my every move. I mean, how many people watch SNL? 10 million? So, tonight it’s just a chill intimate night for me.

So, we have a really great show for you tonight. Halsey is here. So, stick around and we’ll be right back.

Owen Wilson Monologue

Owen Wilson

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Owen Wilson.

[Owen Wilson walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Owen Wilson: Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you. Hello. Yes, we are doing it. The season premiere of Saturday Night Live. [cheers and applause] Now, a lot has changed since the last season. The vaccine came out everywhere except Florida. The rest of the country went back to normal for about a week and a half. But it is wonderful to be here around people again. I’ve got my two brothers here.

[cut to Owen Wilson’s brothers sitting at the audience] [cheers and applause]

Now, first, I’m a little bit nervous to be here but I’m gonna use something I learned growing up being a middle child where sometimes you’re the forgotten one, so you got to tap into this feeling with your parents. It’s kind of, “Hey, get a load of me.” Of course, if you tap into that feeling too much, you may find yourself at military school in New Mexico at 16 like I did. My dad always said he was the charter member of the 3-7-9-0 club. Three sons, seven high schools, nine colleges, zero degrees. Which was actually pretty generous of my dad to put it like that because my brothers only went to one high school and college each.

But listen, I’m excited to be here doing something live. I mean, this is what musicians talk about where you get that instant feedback from the crowd because of course, when you do a movie, you do it and you wait a year to hear how you did. But that’s not the case tonight. Reviews will be coming in immediately. People are probably tweeting reviews right now. And I know they say, “Don’t read reviews”, or actually they say, “If you read the good ones, you got to read the bad ones.” That’s not true. I just read the good ones. I really find that the bad ones, they don’t really speak to me in the same way. Plus now, Rotten Tomatoes has that green thing to tell you which ones to stay away from. Although, every once in a while, a bad one will make it pass my radar. I remember one bad one years ago that said “Owen Wilson’s on screen persona has all the ambition of an old golden retriever laying next to a fire.” And it just kind of got worse from there.

And to be honest, I probably have been guilty at times of coasting a little, taking my foot off the pedal, but I’ll tell you what. When Daniel Day-Lewis retired and all that pressure landed on my shoulders, everything changed. And that’s when I knew I had to do Cars-3 and really– [audience laughing] And really, that’s what tonight’s about. Taking chances. Spreading your wings as an artist. But you don’t want to go crazy. You got to paste yourself. And is it worst thing in the world being a golden retriever laying next to a fire? I mean, I know everyone comes out here and says, “It’s going to be a great show!” Is it? I don’t know. I mean, I’m betting on it, of course. I’m betting on a lot of things lately. I’ve a bit of gambling problem. But hey, when we lose on the rooms, we make on the sandwiches. Right? So, I guess what I’m trying to say is put on your coziest flannel and maybe we just chill out for the next 90 minutes. Close your eyes, get comfy. Now I know they said, “Owen, come on. We don’t want to encourage people to be sleeping.” Yes, but also I’m not going to stand here and tell people not to dream. And in my America, most people dream better with their eyes closed. Now come on, who’s with me?

We have a great show for you tonight. Kacey Musgraves is here.  So, stick around and we’ll be right back.

Anya Taylor-Joy Monologue

Anya Taylor-Joy

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]
[Cut to SNL stage]
[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Anya Taylor-Joy.

[Anya Taylor-Joy walks in and to the stage]
[cheers and applause]

Anya Taylor-Joy: Thank you. Thank you very, very much. Goodness, it is such an honor to be here hosting the season finale of Saturday Night Live. And this show is even more special because it’s the first time this year, we have a completely full audience fully vaccinated. But if you’re feeling nervous sitting so close to another person, just picture them naked. Wait, just kidding. We’ve all been inside for a year. Everybody is picturing everybody naked. Now that you’re hearing my accent, you may be surprised to know I was born in Miami, raised between– [cheers] Oh, nice. Raised between Argentina and London, and my first language is Spanish. So, legally my ethnicity is fashion week.

I was lucky enough to be on a show called “The Queen’s Gambit”. I’m so proud of it. For those of you who didn’t see it, what were you doing all quarantine? It was “Tiger King” and “Queen’s Gambit”. That was the only new TV for months. I’m happy to say that after watching the show, millions of people bought chess sets and dozens of them actually learned how to play. But if you’re one of those people that think chess is too difficult, don’t worry, it’s not. And I’m going to teach you a secret I learned on this show. So, no matter what your skill level is, your very first chess move should always be this. [putting her both hands below her chin] And if you’re really advanced, you just do one of these. [she puts her both hands below her chin again, and this time raises her eyebrows.] And that’s how you play chess, guys.

Being on the Queen’s Gambit really helped me prepare to host SNL. I just thought, “Okay, if I get nervous, I’ll take a handful of green pills and follow the cue cards and the dots. [music playing] Oh, wait. It’s kicking in now. Um-hmm. [she looks above]

[Cut to all cue cards being mumble-jumbled in the air. Then the cue cards form a chess board. The Chess pieces have SNL cast members’ faces on them.]
[Cut back to Anya Taylor-Joy]

Okay, if you saw that, that means you did drugs too.

Before we begin, it would mean the world to me to start the show in my native language, so you guys don’t mind, do you? Is that okay?

[cheers and applause]

In which case… [foreign language]

We will be right back.