Benedict Cumberbatch Monologue

Benedict Cumberbatch

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Benedict Cumberbatch.

[Benedict Cumberbatch walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Benedict Cumberbatch: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so, so much. I am thrilled to be back hosting Saturday Night Live. It’s been a really fun, great week. I’ve got to be honest, though, because most of the sketch writers this week, they pitch me sketches every day and most were about Dr. Strange. [cheers and applause] It’s great. I love the guy. I love playing the character. The film is doing really well. But I have been in other films and no one said to me, “Like what?” And I said well, the power of the dog for example. And he said, “Nobody saw it.” I said “Come on, man. I was nominated for an Oscar for that.” I mean, I didn’t win. I was beat by Will Smith. Not physically, not physically.

I’m really honestly very honored to be hosting the Mother’s Day SNL show. And of course, I want to wish a very special Happy Mother’s Day to my mum. She’s actually on holiday in Greece at the moment. And SNL offered to fly her here, first class, and she said “No, I’m on a beach in Greece. Are you insane?” I love you mom.

When I was younger we use these weird funny names that we used to call each other. I called her Pooky and she called me Benedict Cumberbatch. That later I went off to a boarding school outside of London, you might have heard of it called Hogwarts. When I was there, she’d write these amazing letters home to me, these fantastic missives, and they had beautiful, beautiful drawings and illustrations on an incredible thing. So I can’t do that for her here, obviously, but I thought I’d use a bit of this monologue to thank her for all that she’s done for me.

Hey, mom, it’s me, your son, little Benedict. Thank you for always being there for me. You know, growing up every time I had a problem, you had a solution. For instance, when I lost my two front teeth, I was worried about being teased. But you said “It’s okay, just try and smile without opening your mouth.” That’s great advice. But it also explains why to this day in every red carpet photograph, I’m smiling like this. [a funny picture of Benedict Cumberbatch smiling appears] Seriously, though, mom, thank you. You’ve shown me so much love and support every step of the way. I love you Pooky.

And speaking of mothers, my wife Sophie is in the audience tonight and I’d like to wish her a happy Mother’s Day too. Hi, Sophie. It’s me your husband, little Benedict. I’m seriously in constant, constant aww of you. I mean for a start, you gave birth to our three beautiful boys and that alone is a minor miracle as any woman will tell you. Meanwhile, according to you, I was off dressing up as a wizard. Technically, it’s a sorcerer. Wizards have robes. I have a clock. It’s a thing. Don’t worry. But seriously, Sophie, I really hope that when you think about it, you realize that it evens out because if you think being a mum is hard, try doing this. [does hand gestures of Dr. Strange]

Oh yeah, just open the portal. You’re welcome. But really seriously, happy, Happy Mother’s Day to all the mothers out there, all the grandmothers, all the caregivers, for everybody who does such an extraordinary job doing that. Especially to the two mothers in my life, my mum, Wanda Bentham and my wife, Sophie Hunter. And seeing all that you two have done for me and for our children. It truly warms my heart and puts a smile on my face, a smile like this. [smiles funnily]

We got a great show for you tonight. Arcade Fire is here. So stick around. We’ll be right back.

Jake Gyllenhaal Monologue

Jake Gyllenhaal

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Jake Gyllenhaal.

[Jake Gyllenhaal walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Jake Gyllenhaal: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I am so, so excited to be back at SNL. The last time I hosted was the year 2007. You know how long ago that was? That was like 400 Marvel movies ago. To give you an idea what it was like in 2007, in the show I hosted, there was a George W. Bush sketch. There were jokes about the first iPhone. And this is a photo from me from my monologue. [a picture of Jake Gyllenhaal’s previous monologue appears] There I am in full drag, singing a song from Dream Girls to promote a movie where I played a gay cowboy.

That was actually the least problematic thing in that episode. But looking back, I feel like I was a totally different person. It’s funny, I got this reputation for being a serious intense method actor. But honestly, I wasn’t even that good at method acting. I remember for this movie Nightcrawler I went to the director, and I was like, “Get ready for me to lose 48 pounds and win the Oscar.” And then a week later, I was like, “How would you like to see an actor lose 36 pounds and win the Golden Globe?” And then I showed up on set and I was like “You’re looking at a guy who gained 10 pounds and doesn’t care about awards.”

The truth is, I was only doing that method stuff because I thought that’s what you had to do to be a serious actor and I kind of forgot how to have fun. That’s when I realized something I should have realized a long time ago. Acting is a really stupid job. It’s pretend and it’s fun and it should be filled with joy. Well, I’m finally embracing that joy again, and that’s why I’m back standing on this stage. I never thought SNL would come calling again. [music playing] I mean it’s been 15 years and I wasn’t sure I’d remember how to host. But being here tonight, it feels like everything is suddenly coming back.

[singing] There were nights when the wind was so cold
that my body froze in bed 
if I just listen to it right outside the window
but when you see me like this
and I host you like that
I just have to admit that it’s all coming back to me

Chloe, Ego and Cecily: All coming back, it’s all coming back to you now
there were moments of gold and there were flashes of light

Jake Gyllenhaal: There were sketches I would never do again
but then they always seem right
there were nights of endless pleasure,
it was more than any shows alive
baby baby

All: If you want me like this,
and if you need me like that,
like back long ago but it’s all coming back to me
I can barely recall  but it’s all coming back to me now

Jake Gyllenhaal: We got a great show for you tonight. Camila Cabello is here. Stick around we will be right back.

Jerrod Carmichael Monologue

Jerrod Carmichael

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]
[Cut to SNL stage]
[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Jerrod Carmichael.

[Jerrod Carmichael walks in and to the stage]
[cheers and applause]

Jerrod Carmichael: Thank you Thank you very, very much. I’m not going to talk about it. I want to be clear. Up top. I talked about it enough. Kept talking about it. Kept thinking about it. I don’t want to talk about it. And you can’t make me talk about it. But I got a question. Do you want to talk about it? Like, aren’t you sick of talking about it? Isn’t that kind of crazy? It feels like we’ve been talking about it for so long. I have. This is going to really blow your minds. Can you believe it’s been six days? Six days. This happened a week ago. Then it feels like it happened years ago. Doesn’t it feel like it happened when we were all in high school? Like it feels like it happened somewhere between Jamiroquai and 9/11. Like somewhere a long, long time ago. Feels like we’ve been living in the wake of it our entire lives.

It happened on Sunday. On Sunday. It’s Saturday, bro. On Monday, it was exciting. I’m not gonna lie. Monday, if this were Monday, you wouldn’t be able to get me to shut up about it. I was talking about it all Monday. Tuesday, I’m still talking about it. A little less exciting, because it stopped being about it. By Tuesday, it started being about a lot of proxy arguments and hair and black men and white people on Twitter. It was just too much by Tuesday. By Wednesday, I wanted to kill myself. I don’t really remember Thursday, but by Friday, I made a vow to myself. I promised myself I would never ever talk about it again.

Then Lorne came into my dressing room. He was like, “I think you need to talk about it.” He said the nation needs to heal. Turn your back on me Lorne. Nation needs to heal. I said, “The nation needs to what? Do you want me to do that?” The nation don’t even know me. The nation has no clue who I am. I have to be the least famous host in SNL. Like, the least. I was excited to come here–

[cheers and applause]

Thank you. I appreciate that. Just know those claps did nothing for my self esteem. I don’t know what you thought you were doing. Was it making it better? Were you make it better? I was happy. I was actually really happy to come here and talk to you guys and introduce myself. I’m Jerrod Carmichael, by the way. Hi, everyone. Hello.

[cheers and applause]

I have a new special out on HBO. It’s called “By family”. I really hope that you watch. In this special I come out as gay. Which is nice but unexpected response in New York. It’s actually why I live here. If you say you’re gay in New York, you can ride the bus for free and people just give you pizza. Honestly, if you’re gay and you’re in New York, you get to host Saturday Night Live. This is the gayest thing you could possibly do. Like, I came out right onto the stage. I basically came out. We’re basically like, Andy Warhol fever dream right now. Heal the nation. I’ve been gay for like 48 hours, bro. Like, there’s so much gay stuff I got to do where I can heal the nation. I have so many homophobic cousins. I can’t even heal my family. I’m gonna heal the nation? I was excited. I was excited to be here. I had a lot of things planned. Stuff I want to talk about. Actually really, one– We got time. Really quick. I don’t know how often I’m ever going to be on live TV. And I know I’ll never get to talk to him. So I have to do this. Barack Obama, you want to meet me to camera two really fast. Hey B, what’s going on, man? You don’t know me, I’m Jerrod. Nice to meet you. So real quick, you just chillin right now? You’re just not working? You just writing books? Which is nice. I bought the last one but it’s like 900 pages. Anyway, you got us all hopped up on hope and change. And unfortunately, I have some news for you Barack. You’re not going to like this. We need you back because I think you’re gonna have to talk about it. The nation needs to heal. We have a great show tonight. You excited? Gunna is here. Stick around we’ll be right back.

Zoë Kravitz Monologue

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Zoë Kravitz.

[Zoë Kravitz walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Zoë Kravitz: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. It is so fantastic to be here. I’m your host Zoë Kravitz. I currently have a new movie out called “The Batman”. In the movie I play Cat Woman. Sorry, The Cat Woman. To prepare for the role. I watched the movie Musical Cats every day for a year which I actually heard was the same way Joaquin Phoenix prepared to play the Joker.

[Kate McKinnon walks in wearing the old Cat Woman outfit.]

Kate: So, are you talking about cats?

Zoë Kravitz: I was. I was just doing my monologue. You’re also Catwoman?

Kate: Yes. I’m Cat Woman from the 90s. The one with the whip. You know, like cats have. So you’re part of a proud lineage of Cat Woman, each with their own origin story. Do you want to know mine?

Zoë Kravitz: Yeah, yeah. What’s your’s?

Kate: Okay. I fell out of a window onto a pile of cats. They licked me back to life. And now I just like Sandy from a porno version of Greece. It’s still cold, Greece.

Zoë Kravitz: Cool. Well, thank you. It’s great to have some fellow Cat Woman support. I should probably get back to the–

Kate: No, hang on. We have to fire up the cat signal.

Zoë Kravitz: I’m sorry, cat signal.

Kate: Yeah. For anytime you need a Cat Woman. Behold.

[Kate turns on the cat signal like the bat signal of Batman up in the sky]

Zoë Kravitz: Oh, I love that it’s a noble cat ready to pounce off the ledge.

Kate: Or it’s doing its business in the litter box.

[Ego Nwodim walks in wearing another Cat Woman outfit]

Ego: Hello. I saw the signal. Is someone in danger?

Zoë Kravitz: Oh, yeah. You’re Cat Woman too?

Ego: Intuitively, I was the first black Cat Woman.

Zoë Kravitz: Yeah, right? Yes. Eartha Kitt from the 1960s TV version.

Ego: Yet people called it can’t be turned out, it was just super gay.

Kate: And be glad your outfit isn’t latex because this is how I sneak up on bad guys. Ready?

[When Kate moves, her outfit makes squeaking sound.]

Zoë Kravitz: Wow. You know it actually does feel really nice having all this Cat Woman energy up here but I should really get back to the monologue. So can we turn this cat signal off before–

[Aidy Bryant walks in wearing casual outfit but with a cart full of cats]

Aidy: Before me? Hell no.

Zoë Kravitz: Another Cat woman.

Aidy: Yeah, more of a cat lady I guess. Yes, this is my husband. Sorry cat. And we’re here to meet Rosalia. Do you take me to her? How does that work?

Zoë Kravitz: I don’t think I can do that right now. I have to post the show.

Aidy: Oh yeah, sure I get it. You know, I’ve hosted the show dozens of times, in my mind where it’s called Saturday Night cats.

Zoë Kravitz: Not Caturday Night Live?

Aidy: Dang it. Okay, wow, I was really not expecting to meet so many cat people. And not that I don’t love it but maybe that’s enough.

Ego: Even if the next one is Doja Cat?

Zoë Kravitz: Oh my god, is she here?

Chris: No. But it’s me. It’s I, Katt Williams.

Zoë Kravitz: Oh, come on. You’re not even a woman.

Chris: I am a lover of women. Meow. And if I wanted to meet Rosalia, how would i–

Zoë Kravitz: Seriously, is there an off button somewhere?

Aidy: Oh, but the cat signal brought us all together.

Ego: And right now the world needs as many Cat Women…

Chris: and Williams’s.

Ego: …as it can get.

Kate: Now let’s go fight some crime.

Zoë Kravitz: Okay, it looks like that’s done. So I can finally say what I’ve been trying to say. We’ve got a great show for you tonight. Rosalia is here. So, stick around and we’ll be right back.

Oscar Isaac Monologue

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Oscar Isaac.

[Oscar Isaac walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Oscar Isaac: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much. I’m so excited to be here. This is my first time hosting SNL. They actually asked me to host back in 2015. But I said “No, I’m not ready. I want to wait till after the pandemic.” And they were like, “What pandemic?”

My name is Oscar Isaac, but my full name is Óscar Isaac Hernández Estrada. I said to Hollywood, you can pick two of these names. Guess what they went with? The white ones. I’m half Guatemalan, half Cuban. Or casting directors call that ethnically ambiguous. According to them I can play anything from a Pharaoh to Timothée Chalamet’s daddy. You know that joke? A priest, a rabbi and a minister walk into a bar. Yeah, I could play anyone in that joke.

But I am excited. I’m joining the Marvel Universe with Moon Knight. It’s kind of a full circle moment since the first movie I was ever in was called “The Avenger”. Not “The Avengers”, which was a massive blockbuster. No, no, this was “The Avenger” which is a movie that I wrote, directed and starred in when I was 10 years old. It was shot on location in my buddy Bruce Ferguson’s backyard in our hometown of Miami, Florida. I play a ninja assassin training to fight his nemesis and we actually have a clip. This is real. Check this out. [Cut to old video of Oscar Isaac when he was a kid doing kungfu stuff.] Okay, there’s the opening title. And there I am kind of losing my balance a little bit at perfect editing. And here comes my big stunt. A trained two months for this. [he breaks a stick] Ya!

[Cut back to Oscar Isaac]

I mean, arguably better than the real Avengers. And I made it for half the budget only $110 million. But I took it really seriously. Maybe a little too seriously, like in this scene. [Cut to another old video of Oscar Isaac when he was a kid.] Okay, they’re enacting my heart out and there’s my friend’s dad cleaning the pool. [Cut back to Isaac Oscar] Shout out to Mr. Ferguson. Shout out to my buddy Bruce. He’s at home watching and he had no idea our old movie was gonna be on SNL. I actually had to sign a licensing agreement to show it. It’s true. NBC Universal now owns the Avenger. Coming this fall to Peacock.

I’ve got one more clip. This is a scene I did with myself where I play both parts. Okay, here we go. [Cut to another old video of Oscar Isaac when he was a kid.] That’s that’s me on my own henchmen. Oh no, that’s what I do with a sword. Total commitment from the start. Now you might be asking, “Oscar, why did you use your monologue to show us these old home videos?” And the reason is, it’s important to encourage kids to be weirdos. Because every once in a while, one of those weirdos grows up to host SNL.

We got a great show for you tonight. Charli XCX is here. So stick around we’ll be right back.

John Mulaney StandUp Monologue

John Mulaney

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, John Mulaney.

[John Mulaney walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

John Mulaney: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. It is amazing to be here hosting Saturday Night Live for the fifth time. For many, many reasons I’m grateful to be here tonight after a very complicated year. It is wonderful to be in a place that’s always emphasized sobriety and mental health. Since I last hosted, different things have happened. In December of 2020, I went to dinner at a friend’s apartment, but it was not dinner. It was an intervention. For me. My least favorite kind of intervention. When I walked into my intervention, I knew right away that it was an intervention. Do you know how bad of a drug problem you have to have? If when you open a door and see people gathered, your first thought is, “This is probably an intervention about my drug problem. There’s no other reason people would be behind the door.” I walked in, there were six of my friends in New York in person, and six of my friends over Zoom from LA. And you may be thinking, hey, if that was me, I would have been like, if you’re so worried about me, how come you didn’t fly in? Don’t worry. I said that several times. I rang that bell as often as possible. I went away to a rehab, which was a very good experience. I’m very grateful that I went. I was there for two months from December till February 2021. I was there January 6, during the insurrection. Wouldn’t have happened on my watch. Because I would have seen to it. Was there ever an insurrection before I went to rehab? No. Has there been one since I got out? Absolutely not. They wouldn’t dare. They know baby J is back on the streets.

One thing I did in rehab one exercise is you sit down with a counselor and you delete and block all of your drug dealers phone numbers. In some cases, you reach out to a dealer to say, “Hey, never get in touch with me again. I’m sober now.” It’s called breaking up with your drug dealer. I did this one afternoon with a counselor. I sat down. I texted my main dealer Arvind first. And I shouldn’t have said his name. But that’s, that’s okay. You don’t know him. Anyway, I texted Arvind first and I said, “Hey, I’m deleting and blocking you. I’m sober now. I’m never gonna buy drugs again.” And then I’m really polite. So I didn’t know how to end the text. So I was like, “But thank you for all of the nights that became days and your inspired professionalism.” So I send the text before I can delete and block him. He texts me back. He goes, “Hey, I’m so proud of you. I’m so happy that you got sober. You know, I only bought drugs to sell to you. Because I was worried about you. And I didn’t want you to get worse stuff off the street.” I know. And I’m breaking up with this guy? So I can’t block him. Now I text him back, you know? I go, “Hey, oh my god, you sweet man.” I said, “You only bought drugs to sell to me?” He says , “Yeah.” I said, “Did you sell drugs to other people?” He said, “No.” I said, “This is a weird time to ask. But are you a drug dealer?” He said, “No. I’m a painter. We talked about this.” Ladies and gentlemen, I have no idea how I know this person. So I texted him. I go, “How did it come to be that you sell me drugs?” And he wrote back, “I don’t know. You just kept asking.” I like that story. Because there are many tales of drug dealers who have turned innocent people into drug addicts. I might be the first drug addict to turn an innocent man into a drug dealer and that is the promise of their.

Life is a lot better and happier now. I have a 12 week old son. I’m very excited. Yes. He is a pretty cool guy for someone who can’t vote. His legs are like little calzones and I want to eat him. His name is Malcolm. And let me tell you the moment when I first bonded the hardest with Malcolm. We were in the delivery room, my girlfriend had just given birth to him, and he’s crying a little. So, they bring them over to this warmer on the other side of the delivery room, and they put them on the warmer under this big bright light. And light is just shining in his eyes. It’s really bright. And he’s not crying or anything. He just looks up at the light and this is what he does. He goes he was annoyed. But he didn’t say anything. And I was like, “That’s my son. A polite man in an uncomfortable situation, but he’s not going to make a fuss.” And this was a really bright light. I thought it was bright and I’d seen lights. He’d never seen a light before in his life. To see on a baby’s face the expression, Jesus with the light, is very interesting. He’s a very good boy. His favorite pacifier just got recalled though. It’s such a bummer. He loved it. So we had like a dozen of them. We still have them in a basket on our counter. And I see this look in his eyes all the time of like, “Oh, I want to use those but I can’t because they could kill me.” Welcome to my world homie.

Ladies and gentlemen, we have a great show. LCD Soundsystemis here. So stick around and we’ll be right back.

Willem Dafoe Monologue

Willem Dafoe

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Willem Dafoe.

[Willem Dafoe walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Willem Dafoe: Thank you. Thank you very much. It’s great to be back home in New York. This is where I started. I moved here when I was 21, had no money and rented an apartment on 10th Avenue A for 200 bucks a month. And that’s where I learned how to act. For example, I had to act like I enjoyed having a bathtub in my kitchen. I got started in experimental theater. I was an original member of the Wooster Group. And that background really taught me how to throw myself into a role. Some people tell me that my acting is over the top. But to me, one man’s over the top is another man’s engaged performance. For instance, in this scene, people assume I’m about to toss somebody off a building. When in reality, I was just reading a really good book. I can’t help them have an expressive face. I can’t control it. I don’t think about controlling it. I’m not one of those subtle actors like Nicolas Cage or Al Pacino. Maybe that’s why people come up to me and say, “You know what role you’d be perfect for? The Joker.” Always nice to hear that you get the vibe of a sociopath.

Listen, I wanna thank you all for coming out in the snowstorm. When I was a kid in Appleton, Wisconsin, winters were–

Aidy: Excuse me! Did someone say Appleton Wisconsin?

Willem Dafoe: Yeah, I did.

Aidy: Well, you’re never going to believe this. But we are from Appleton too.

Mikey: Yeah. Born and raised.

Willem Dafoe: That’s nice. You came here to support one of your own.

Mikey: No, no, we got tickets from the lottery.

Aidy: Yeah, I had no idea you were hosting but we’re huge fans. We’ve seen all your Spider-Man movies. Spider-Man, Spider-Man 2, Spider-Man the new one.

Willem Dafoe: You know I have done other films.

Mikey: Oh, yeah, we know. We know we loved you in full metal jacket.

Willem Dafoe: I actually wasn’t in that one. Maybe you’re thinking of Platoon.

Mikey: No, no.

Aidy: And you were great in the Passion of the Christ.

Willem Dafoe: I wasn’t in that one either. I was in “Last Temptation of Christ.”

Aidy: Well what about “Speed 2: Cruise Control?”

Mikey: Yeah, that was you in Speed 2, right?

Willem Dafoe: That was me.

Aidy: Well, Appleton is just so proud of you. I mean, you’re out there making movies with big Hollywood stars like Timothy Chalamet and Shrek.

Mikey: We just wish you still had your Wisconsin accent.

Willem Dafoe: Oh, well, I can I can still speak Wisconsin.

Aidy: Oh, well, can you do for it us?

Mikey: Oh yeah, I bet everyone back home would just flip if you did a real Wisconsin accent on TV.

Willem Dafoe: Okay, sure. Ay you guys? Let’s go down to Graham Bose and get a drink from the bubbler.

Aidy: You still got it.

Mikey: Yeah. Hey, has anyone told you, you should play the Joker?

Willem Dafoe: We got a great show for you tonight. Katy Perry is here. So stick around and we’ll be right back.

Will Forte Returns Monologue

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Will Forte.

[Will Forte walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Will Forte: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. Oh, man. I am so excited to be here tonight. This is my first time hosting SNL. I was in a cast 12 years ago with
Kristen Wiig, Bill Hader, Andy Samberg, Jason Sudeikis and Fred Armisen. So, it was really fun to see Kristen host. Then Bill. Then, Andy. Then Fred. Then Kristen again. Then Bill again. Then Jason. Seth Meyers. I mean, he’s one of my best buds, but you know, come on. He wasn’t really a sketch guy. He was just on Weekend Update. It doesn’t even count as being on the show? But he hosted, right? John Mulaney was a writer when I was in the cast, and then he hosted… four times! Four times. But hey, that’s okay. You know. I’m not bitter about it. Ha-ha-ha. I’m not. Save the best for last, right? Save the best for way last.

But look after 12 long years, tonight it’s finally my turn. My time to shine. Tonight is all about me.

[Kristen Wiig walks in]

Are you serious? Kristen. Hey! Yeah!

Kristen Wiig: Hey, Will. I am so excited you’re hosting?

Will Forte: Not a good time.

Kristen Wiig: Okay, yeah.

Will Forte: Yeah. Well, good to see you. Bye-bye.

Kristen Wiig: Okay, so I should go?

Will Forte: Yeah, I think so.

Kristen Wiig: You know, I flew in for this.

Will Forte: Oh, great. So, you know where the airport is?

Kristen Wiig: Alright, well, back to North Korea. It was really hard to get out.

[Kristen Wiig walks out]

Will Forte: Alright. I don’t love that she got more applause than when I came out. You know, I came out once when she was hosting, and I did something in her monologue. But I was polite enough to get less applause than her. Yeah. But look, my point is maybe the universe had a reason for making me wait to host. Maybe it wanted me to wait until MacGruber The series was streaming on Peacock. And speaking of MacGruber, I would like to officially announce the MacGruber has been picked up for season two. [cheers and applause] I would like to announce that. But it hasn’t been picked up yet, so I can’t. We’re waiting to hear. But I can announce that you’re in great hands tonight. You know. Strong, veiny, comedy hands. And look, if I could just take a serious moment, I’d like to say how much this show has meant to me. I started my career here. And they’ve always supported me.

[music starts playing in the backbround]

And wait a second. Are they playing me off? Are you are you playing me off in my own monologue? I waited 12 freakin years for this. I mean, have you seen some of the idiots they’ve had host the show since then. Kristin, Phil, Andy, Fred. Alright, fine. I’ll take one question you sir.

[Cut to Lorne Michaels in the audience]

Lorne Michaels: I’m so sorry Will. There’s been a mistake.

[Willem Dafoe walks in]

Willem Dafoe: Hey!

Will Forte: Wait. Willem Dafoe? You’re hosting next week.

Willem Dafoe: I’m pretty sure it’s this week.

Lorne Michaels: You think I would book someone named Will, then someone named Willem?

Will Forte: My god, this is not happening. But you texted me to come host, Lorne.

Lorne Michaels:I texted Willem and you know, autocorrect.

Will Forte:  Alright, fine, then, you know let’s have the fans decide once and for all.

[The poll “who should host?” appears on the screen. Willem Dafoe – 40%. Kristen Wiig – 40%. Maneskin – 10%. Will Forte – 5%. Abandon show, bring back Tom Hanks – 5%.]

Will Forte: Oh my god. 5%. Oh, I guess people do love me. Alright, we have a great show. I’m here. Maneskin is here. So stick around and we’ll be right back.

Ariana DeBose Monologue

Ariana DeBose

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Ariana DeBose.

[Ariana DeBose walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Ariana DeBose: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I am so honored to be here tonight. Wow. 2020 has already been an exciting year. I am I am hosting SNL and I won a Golden Globe for my role as Anita in “West Side Story”. Now, not many people know this, but West Side Story is actually based on another classic tale of star cross lovers, 90 day fiancé. But it is great to be here representing not only the Latino community as an Afro Latina, but also the Broadway community. Obviously Broadway has been through a lot these last past couple of years, last past anyways. But we are a community that perseveres. I believe Broadway changes lives. I mean, hey, it changed mine. And Broadway has this magical ability to bring people together. And I think we can all use a little Broadway right now. Maybe, maybe a little something for West Side Story?

[Kate McKinnon walks in]

Kate: Did I hear sing songs from West Side Story with Kate McKinnon?

Ariana DeBose: Ah, no, but Hi Kate.

Kate: I’m sorry. It’s my favorite show. I’d loved it since elementary school.

Ariana DeBose: Oh, well did you like the movie?

Kate: I didn’t see it. I don’t leave the house because of COVID and also because I don’t leave the house.

Ariana DeBose: Well, in that case, why don’t we bring out some stools and we can sing together?

Kate: No, no, I don’t even know if I even remember the songs. Tonight In a flat. Thanks.

[music playing]

Ariana DeBose: [singing] Tonight, tonight
it all began tonight
I saw you and the world went away

Kate: [singing] Tonight, tonight,
there’s only you tonight
what you want, what you do, what you say

Ariana DeBose: That’s pretty good, Kate.

Kate: I’ve been on Broadway.

Ariana DeBose: Oh, you have?

Kate: Yeah, like, the sidewalk.

Ariana DeBose: [singing] I feel pretty, all so pretty
I feel gritty and witty and gay
I pity any girl who isn’t me today

Kate: [singing] See the pretty girl in that mirror there
who can that attractive girl be?
Which, what, where, who?
such a pretty face, such a pretty dress
such a pretty smile

Ariana DeBose: Such a pretty me

I love that song. I mean, just singing it makes me feel pretty.

Kate: Yeah, which is crazy because like an hour ago we were both in sweatpants spooning our 13 year old cats.

Ariana DeBose: Yeah, well, I wasn’t doing that but that’s okay.

Kate: Yeah, me neither.

Ariana DeBose: Well, Mumbo.

[music playing. Ariana DeBose is dancing]

Your turn!

Kate: Oh, no. They know I dance.

[music playing]

Ariana DeBose: [singing] Could be

Kate: Who knows?

Ariana DeBose: There’s something new anyday
I will know right away
soon as it shows

Both: It may come cannonballing down the
gleam in its ey bright as rose

Ariana DeBose: I like to e in America
okay, by me in America
everything free in America
for a small flee in America

Kate: Finale.

Both: Today, the minutes seem like hours
the hours go so slowly
and still the sky is light
oh moon, go bright
and make this endless day
endless night, tonight.

Ariana DeBose: Whoa! We have got a great show for you tonight. Bleachers are here. So, stick around, we’ll be right back.

Billie Eilish Monologue

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Billie Eilish.

[Billie Eilish walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Billie Eilish: Oh my god. Thank you guys. Hi. How are you doing? I am so excited to be here. My name is Billie Eilish. Thank you. If you don’t know me from my music, you may know me from my hair or my clothes. That is why I decided to dress like Mrs. Claus going to the club. But actually, no, I am only wearing this because after the show, I got to go get married in an anime. Some people wonder why I started wearing baggy clothes. There was actually a good reason. So, it wasn’t just for comfort, or for style. This is hard to say for me. But the real reason I wore big oversized clothes back then is I was actually two kids stacked on top of each other trying to sneak into an R rated movie.

It is so, so great to be back here at SNL. I was the musical guest a couple years ago. But I would never ever think that I would ever host ever. In fact, I used to say that I hated acting. But the truth is when I was little, I loved it. My mom and dad were both actors. So, was my brother Finneas. And it was my dream to be in a movie. And I remember when that dream died. I was nine. And my mom wrote a film inspired by her life. Literally, this is true. She cast my brother Finneas as her son. She played the mom. And in the movie, she had no daughter. So yeah, I got the hint.

I’m kidding. My mom is my best friend. She’s here. I know that you don’t love Finneas more than me. I know that.

[Billie’s mom walks in. He’s Wearing Finneas’ mom t-shirt.]

Mom: I love you, honey.

[She walks out]

Billie Eilish: I love my mom. But that is true. It is so special to be hosting in December. Not only do I love Christmas, and oh my god, it’s so beautiful here in Christmas. Not only do I love Christmas, but my birthday is one week from today. I am turning 20 or as the internet calls that middle aged. But I am actually really excited to get older because I am just now starting to understand who I actually am as a person. And the scary thing about growing up in the public eye is people just decide that everything you say and do and look like is who you are forever. It’s not fair. Would you want to be judged by the way you presented yourself when you’re 16? No. Imagine being current day Colin Jost, and the first thing that comes up when you google yourself is 16 year old Colin Jost. [a picture of young Colin Jost appears on the screen] Yikes. Seen here watching other people go to prom.

But the point is, it takes time and effort to accept who you really are. You’ll be so happy that you did. I spent a lot of years pretending to be somebody that I’m not. Basically acting. And somebody wise once told me, “Billie, you should never ever act.” That person was my mom.

We’ve got a great show for you tonight. I am here so stick around and we’ll be right back.