Tag: Weekend Update

Weekend Update Leslie Jones on Social Media

Colin Jost

Leslie Jones

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: A new study shows that one in seven couples break up because of their behavior on social media. Here with her take is our relationship expert, Leslie Jones.

[Leslie Jones slides in]

Leslie Jones: Woo! What’s up, Jost baby? How you dong?

Colin Jost: I don’t know. You tell me, Leslie. What’s going on?

Leslie Jones: Oh, yeah. I’m gonna. See, um, here’s my complain. Couples are always texting each other and on Facebook. Nobody writes love letters anymore.

Colin Jost: They don’t write love letters?

Leslie Jones: Well, maybe you do, you sexy cream sickle.  Just wanna chump all the orange off and get to the cream. [Cut to Leslie Jones] No guys ever wrote me a love letter. So, I wrote one to this guy that I had a four year booty call with.

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. Four year booty call?

Leslie Jones: That’s what I said!

Colin Jost: Okay.

[Cut to Leslie Jones]

Leslie Jones: To whom it may concern. [looking at the camera] And you know who you are. I miss you. I miss you every morning when I wake up. And I miss you– I miss sitting in front of your house wondering why the lights are on. Love, Leslie.

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. Why are you still writing him letter?

Leslie Jones: Coz he blocked me, Jost. I’ve been blocked! Can’t call, can’t text, can’t poke, can’t like. [Cut to Leslie Jones] [yelling]And it’s driving me crazy! Which is why I wrote this second letter.

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Oh, no, no, no.

Leslie Jones: Dear ass face! [Cut to Leslie Jones] How dare you block me? Coz you didn’t block me from paying your motel six bill when you lost your house. And you sure as hell didn’t block me from giving you that special thing you like doing halftime at sports center.

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Um, yes. Sports center doesn’t have a halftime.

Leslie Jones: You know, I thought I was down there a long time.

Colin Jost: Oh! [shaking head]

[Cut to Leslie Jones]

Leslie Jones: But I still miss your sexy foreign accent saying, “Leslie, you are so sexy Leslie. [making noise]”

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: That’s a person?

[Cut to Leslie Jones]

Leslie Jones: You like Fox News or sex? I know its all lies, but it just can’t get enough.

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Okay, so now, what are you doing to get over this guy, Leslie?

Leslie Jones: I don’t know. Which is why I wrote this third letter… to myself.

[Cut to Leslie Jones]

Dear Leslie, what the hell wrong with you? You still hung up on this loser? You live in New York and you are on Saturday Night Live. You need a man who appreciates Leslie Jones for who Leslie Jones is. Tall, loud and phenomenal in bed.

Colin Jost: And humble.

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost. Leslie Jones stares at Colin Jost]

[Cut to Leslie Jones]

Leslie Jones: You need to date a man who puts other people before himself like a bodyguard or offensive lineman. So if there’s any offensive lineman out there, listen up. I’ll be your Tom Brady and deflate your balls all day!

[Cut to Leslie Jones an Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Leslie Jones, everybody!

Leslie Jones: [yelling] Unblock me! Unblock me!

Weekend Update 3

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of ‘Forrest Gump’ at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A Michigan man is planning to run over 3,000 miles in hundred days as an omag to Forrest Gump, and a straight up FU to Lieutenant Dan.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a cake with 21 candles on it at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A Tennessee woman celebrated her 21st birthday by performing 21 acts of kindness on people she had never met, which is the most polite way that I’ve ever heard that put.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of University of South Carolina logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A student of University of South Carolina was arrested after she poisoned her roommate’s food with cleaning fluid. Said her roommates, “Oh, so you do know where the cleaning supplies are?”

Weekend Update 2

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Prince William and Kate at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The royal family announced that the name of Prince Willam and Kate’s baby girl is Charlotte Elizabeth Diana. They chose the name Diana for William’s mother, Elizabeth for his grandmother and Charlotte for of course, [Picture changes to basket ball players] 1992 Charloette Hornets.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Floyd Mayweather and Manny Pacquiao at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: After their recent fight, boxer Floyd Mayweather called Manny Pacquiao a coward for not accepting his loss and said there would be no rematch. Because if you wanna fight Floyd Mayweather more than once, you have to date him.

[Picture changes to a masked man with a burger]

This week, McDonald’s unveiled a new version of the hamburglar, so McDonald’s, I guess my question is what’s happening here? Who is this for? The hamburglar used to be a lovable children’s character. This guy looks like an actor from McDonald land porn parody. And why is he shh-ing us? Is he says, “Shh, don’t tell anyone what’s in our special sauce?” Or, “Shh, don’t tell my parents how bad my acting career is going.” Or is the new McDonald’s play place in the back of this dude’s van? Because this isn’t the image you use to sell fast food. It’s the image you see when you come to after getting drugged at a costume party.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Lindsey Vann and Tyga Woods at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Lindsey Vann anounced that she and Tyga Woods have broken up, while Tyga Woods announced that, “Woo-hoo!”

[Starts with Colin Jost and Michael Che in their set]

Colin Jost: So, tomorrow is Mother’s Day.

Michael Che: Tomorrow is Mother’s Day.

Colin Jost: As we totally remembered.

Michael Che: I feel like it’s now.

Colin Jost: Yeah, it’s now. It’s now our Mother’s Day. Congratulations moms. And, just to honor our mothers here on Weekend Update, we’d like to read one joke each that our moms actually texted to us this year.

Michael Che: Yeah, even though we never asked them to do that.

Colin Jost: Okay.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s Colin’s mom’s photo at left top corner.]

So, this is the first one. This is my mom everyone. [cheers and applause] Thank you. It looks like she’s cool on Safari, but don’t! Don’t! It’s Disney Land. Um, this is also about Disney. This is what she texted me.

“Disney Land having trouble with the measles. Maybe they should re-brand it as mouse-pox then show Mickey with spots. On serious note, this is why vaccination is so important.”

[Cut to Michael Che. It’s written ‘graphic missing’ at left top corner of the screen.]

Michael Che: It’s not horrible. Yesterday, I asked my mother to send me a picture that I could show of her on national TV and she is still in the Salon right now. So, I’m just gonna show you the look that she’s probably going for. [Picture changes to Diana Ross in a photo shoot] It’s 1970’s Diana Ross. And this is the joke, this is her new story.

“I just walked out of grandma’s room. She has the heater on blazing. Sad face. It was so hot in there, I just saw satan run out and say he couldn’t take it and he would be back later because it was so hot in there. LOLOLOLOLOL.”

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che]

Colin Jost: So, happy Mother’s Day. I can’t wait to take you to brunch tomorrow, mom.

Michael Che: And I can’t wait to take you to dinner, Colin’s mom.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of nail salon named ‘ISIS Nails’ at right top corner.]

I’d make a great dad. A nail salon in Queens called ‘ISIS Nails’ has finally changed it’s name after suffering harassment from locals who thought the store was connected to the terrorist group. Though, I don’t know how much better things will be with their new name, “Nail Qaeda”.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of outside space at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A group of astronomers have calculated the distance to a galaxy as more than 13 billion lightyears away, which is the most distant galaxy ever measured. It’s so distant that astronomers have given it the nickname, “Dad”.

Weekend Update 1

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]
[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]

Michael Che: What’s up everybody?

Colin Jost: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. And here are tonight’s top stories.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Hillary Clinton at right top corner.]

A new poll shows that Hillary Clinton’s poll numbers have dropped two points since she made her presidential campaign official. Because for some reason, once a woman makes it official, we suddenly start to lose interest.

Hillary Clinton has reportedly met with potential donors for her presidential super pac just three weeks after she criticized that fund raising practice. The super pac’s name is Hillary’s Political Action Committee for Democracy, or HiPacRacy.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s ap icture of Patriots and NFL logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: An NFL investigation has concluded that the New England Patriots likely cheated by deflating footballs used in the AFC Championship game. The investigation was conducted by [Picture changes to angry Bill Belichick] just looking at Bill Belichick.

[Picture changes to Mike Huckabee, Dr. Ben Carson and Carly Fiorina]

Several new candidates entered the race for the republican nomination this week including Carly Fiorina, Dr. Ben Carson and governor Huckabee. So I’m pretty sure the only way to make this group less exciting would be to add [Picture changes to Hawkeye from Avengers movie] Hawkeye.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Dr. Ben Carson at top right corner.]

Michael Che: This week, Dr. Ben Carson announced that he will seek the republican presidential nomination. Of course, most republicans know Dr. Carson by the nickname, ‘Some of my best friends’.

Weekend Update Sam and Gilly

Colin Jost

Samwell Tarly… Bobby Moynihan

Gilly… Venessa Bayer

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: With it’s sexy characters and steamy plot lines, Game of Thrones is the hottest show on the TV right now. Here to talk about it is the hottest couple in Westoros, Samwell Tarly and the wilgling Gilly.

[Samwell Tarly and Gilly slide in]

Gilly: Thank you but no pictures please.

Samwell Tarly: Thank you.

Gilly: Thank you.

Samwell Tarly: Thank you.

Gilly: Thank you.

Samwell Tarly: Thank you.

Gilly: Thank you.

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. You guys are the show’s hottest couple?

Gilly: Yeah!

Colin Jost: Okay, what about Jon Snow and Egret?

Gilly: She’s dead.

Samwell Tarly: Dead, yeah.

Colin Jost: Okay, well what about Rob Stark?

Samwell Tarly: Dead.

Gilly: Dead.

Samwell Tarly: Also dead.

Colin Jost: Okay, what about Cersei and Jaime?

Gilly: Incest.

Samwell Tarly: Yeah, doesn’t count.

Gilly: Doesn’t count. Sorry.

Colin Jost: Okay. So, being the only couple makes you the hottest couple?

[Cut to Samwell Tarly and Gilly]

Samwell Tarly: Yeah. And it’s not easy being frost into the spotlight.

Gilly: Yeah, you know, everyone is looking at me now wondering what kind of rags would I be wearing, what will I be complaining about, how sick will my baby be. It’s like, live your own life!

Samwell Tarly: Yeah, you know? And the paparazzi won’t leave us alone. I mean, look at this who wore it better spread.

Gilly: And you know, it just turns my stomach to think about all these young boys dreaming about my stringy hair and my bulging eyes, you know, sneaking up stairs to have it go at themselves.

[Cut to Samwell Tarly, Gilly and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: No, no, no. I really– I don’t think boys are doing that.

Samwell Tarly: They are. No, they are. To her and me.

Gilly: Yeah, yeah.

[Cut to Samwell Tarly and Gilly]

Let’s just say people look at us and the winter is not the only thing that’s coming.

[Cut to Samwell Tarly, Gilly and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Oh! Wow! Oh, Wow! Don’t applaud that. Don’t applaud that!

Samwell Tarly: No, they should.

Colin Jost: I have to say I don’t think anyone would call you two traditionally sexy.

[Cut to Samwell Tarly and Gilly]

Samwell Tarly: Oh, I don’t know. I mean, I’ve been mistaken for Jon Snow from very, very far away. And also, I’ve been mistaken for a large pile of crows, and the entrance to a cave.

Gilly: You know, but underneath this sex appeal, we’re just a regular couple.

Samwell Tarly: Yeah, I mean we live at the wall. It’s not the greatest neighborhood but I mean, it’s an elevator building.

Gilly: You see, we’re normal people. We met in the normal way. My ex tried to sacrifice my baby to a ghost but Sam went to the killing stump and saved him.

Samwell Tarly: Oh, boy.

Gilly: Oh, he hates when I talk about my ex.

Samwell Tarly: Yeah, because your ex is your father.

Colin Jost: Okay. Yeah!

[Cut to Samwell Tarly, Gilly and Colin Jost]

You know, at least you guys seem like a happy couple. You know, what’s a typical night like?

[Cut to Samwell Tarly and Gilly]

Gilly: Oh, yeah. We just hang around the house in each other’s arms. Like this.

[They start acting. They are sitting close and are scared.]

My baby!

Samwell Tarly: Shh!

Gilly: My baby!

Samwell Tarly: Quiet Gilly, they’ll hear you.

Gilly: Sam, my baby.

[they stop acting]

[Cut to Colin Jost, Samwell Tarly and Gilly]

Colin Jost: Very, very sweet.

Gilly: Thank you.

Colin Jost: And now, what’s next for you guys?

Samwell Tarly: Oh, I’m glad you asked.

Gilly: Yeah, that’s a great question. Yeah.

Samwell Tarly and Gilly: Death!

Colin Jost: Okay. Great! Sam and Gilly everyone!

Weekend Update Ruth Bader Ginsberg

Colin Jost

Ruth Bader Ginsburg… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Supreme Court hearing on marriage equality, Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg received a lot of media attention for her pointed comments. Here to explain is Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg.

[Ruth Bader Ginsburg slides in]

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: Woo-woo-woo! The Ruth- the Ruth- the Ruth is on fire.

Colin Jost: Alright. Justice coming in hot.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: Yeah. You better believe it, Colin. Yeah! [Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsburg] I’m ready to rumble, Mayweather-Pacquiao style. I float like a butterfly, sting like a bee. I clean myself like a fly.

[Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Justice, Justice Ginsburg, let’s focus. Now, were you swayed by any of the arguments you heard on Tuesday?

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: Oh, they were useless. Useless! [Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsburg] Next time, I’m just gonna put a crumpled up black cocktail napkin in my place. Not gonna know what I’ve got. The arguments I heard, they were so weak. I just hope they’re not holding up Justice Scalia’s chair. Well, that’s a Gins-burn!

[Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Colin Jost. Ruth Bader Ginsburg starts dancing]

Colin Jost: Justice Ginsburg!

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: What? What? Come on! I’m like a weird mole. I’m tiny but I could be dangerous.

Colin Jost: It’s a great point. Now getting back on track, the issue is really whether marriage equality should be up to state or federal governments. You know? You have states like Kentucky that want to keep their marriage bans.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: Ah! Yeah! [Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsburg] Kentucky, yeah. Real 21st century state. I could call out that their most famous citizen is a friend chicken sales man who looks like he should be sipping iced tea at a slave auction. But I’m not gonna go there. And by there, I mean Kentucky! That’s a Gins-burn.

[Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Colin Jost. Ruth Bader Ginsburg starts dancing]

Colin Jost: Justice Ginsburg, Supreme Court Justice Ginsburg!

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: What?

Colin Jost: You know, I have to say. You sound pretty confident you’re gonna win this case.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: Oh, well, yeah I’m gonna win. I already won today. I was the jockey writing American farewell.

Colin Jost: Well, you’re a jockey too?

[Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsburg]

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: Yeah. Down at the Derby, they call me Seembiscuit, coz all the fellows wanted to seem my biscuit.

[Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: You’re not gonna dance?

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: I only dance when I’m joking, Colin. Well, well, if you really want, I’ll dance.

[Ruth Bader Ginsburg starts dancing]

Colin Jost: So, Justice, should we be expecting a final decision from you guys?

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: Oh, yeah. It couldn’t happen soon enough. [Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsburg] I gotta push same sex marriage through before god remembers I’m still alive. The grim reaper, he came for me once, but I punched him and stole his robe.

[Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: And what’s next in this case? Is it the written briefs?

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: Well, written briefs. [Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsburg] You know what’s written on my briefs? “Baby gap”. Nobody’s safe from the fire, not even me. I just got Gins-burned!

[Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Colin Jost. Ruth Bader Ginsburg starts dancing.]

Colin Jost: Ruth Bader Ginsburg, everybody!

[cheers and applause]

Weekend Update Charles Barkley and Shaquille O’Neal

Michael Che

Charles Barkley… Kenan Thompson

Shaquille O’Neal… Jay Pharoah

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Tyler’s not real. The first round of the NBA playoffs is now over with the LA Clippers beating the San Antonio Spurs. Here to give their takes are two greats from inside NBA, Charles Barkley and Shaquille O’Neal.

[Charles Barkley and Shaquille O’Neal slide in]

[cheers and applause]

Charles Barkley: Alright! Hey, how y’all doing?

Shaquille O’Neal: Shaq in the house!

Michael Che: Now, before we start congratulations, Shaq, you just got your own show called, and this is not a joke, “Shaqtin’ a Fool”.

[Cut to Charles Barkley and Shaquille O’Neal]

Shaquille O’Neal: That’s right. Shaq will be on TV. First time ever.

Charles Barkley: What? Shaq, you’re on TV right now. Oh, man! Shaq’s brain has gotten smaller because it needs to make more room for food. He’s up to here with potatoes.

Shaquille O’Neal: Oh, you just grumping.

Charles Barkley: I know. I bet a lot of money on Manny Pacquiao.

[Cut to Michael Che, Charles Barkley and Shaquille O’Neal]

Michael Che: Well, that’s not a bad bet.

Charles Barkley: Yeah, but I bet on him to win Kentucky Derby. They said he was fast.

Michael Che: Alright, let’s just talk about the playoff. LeBron James and the Cavaliers are the favorites in the east, but they just lost Kevin Love who got his arm literally torn out of the socket on the court. I mean, it’s scary out there.

[Cut to Charles Barkley and Shaquille O’Neal]

Shaquille O’Neal: Shaq’s never scared. Like Ray Parker Jr. I ain’t afraid of no goat.

Charles Barkley: Goat? It’s ghosts!

Shaquille O’Neal: Where? Where? Where the ghosts at?

Charles Barkley: The point is– no there’s no ghost over there. There’s a point here– And it is that the NBA is way less violent than it was 20 years ago. Man, when I was on the court, I got hit all the time. And once off the court, when I was dating Rosie, she gave me something called a Puerto Rican hicky.

[Cut to Michael Che, Charles Barkley and Shaquille O’Neal]

Michael Che: What’s a Puerto Rican hicky?

Charles Barkley: It’s when a girl that you’re seeing runs up to you and punches you in the neck.

Shaquille O’Neal: Shaq loves necks. Necks are good. Necks hold up your head.

[Cut to Charles Barkley and Shaquille O’Neal]

Charles Barkley: Oh, dammit, Shaq. I gave you power of attorney. If I die, you get my kids.

Michael Che: Oh, no!

Charles Barkley: Michael!

Michael Che: Yeah!

Charles Barkley: These players today are so soft man. Have you seen the way they dress? Russell Westbrook with those crazy paddle shirts looks like magic eye poster. If you stare long enough, you’ll see a sail boat.

Shaquille O’Neal: I see it right away.

Charles Barkley: Yeah, I know. You see it. Of course you do. Your eyes are trying to french kiss each other. If these people wanna know how to dress, they should talk to me.

Shaquille O’Neal: Why you? You look like somebody put a jacket on a Cadbury.

[Shaquille O’Neal leans towards the table]

Charles Barkley: Oh, my god! He formed a full sentence and now he’s tipping over. Good lord. Somebody get the man.

[Cut to Michael Che, Charles Barkley and Shaquille O’Neal]

Michael Che: Maybe we should go. Charles Barkley and Shaquille O’Neal everyone! For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update 3

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. there’s a picture of Obama being interviewed by an elementary school student at right top corner.]

Michael Che: An elementary school student who is interviewing President Obama cut the president off while he was giving his answer saying, “I think you’ve sort of covered everything about that question” followed by, “You mumbling Kenyan.” It’s a rough class.

[Picture changes to Shinzo Abe]

In the first address ever by Japanese leader of congress, Prime Minister Shinzo Abe offered condolences for Americans killed during World War II. Abe then asked, “So, you guys have anything from World War II that you wanna apologize for?”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of

Colin Jost: It was reported that students in school district in Tennessee were served meat that were six years old, which raises the question, “Where is Tyler?”

[Cut to Michael Che laughing]

Michael Che: Tyler’s not real.

Weekend Update 2

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Prince William and Kate at right top corner.]

Michael Che: It was announced this morning that Prince William and Kate gave birth to a baby girl weighing 8 pounds, three ounces. So she’s only a day old and all anybody can talk about is her weight?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Abercrombie & Fitch plaque at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Abercrombie & Fitch has announced plans to no longer hire employees based on attractiveness, which should make the first new guy they hire feel great!

[Picture changes to Bruce Jenner]

In an interview with Diane Sawyer last week, Bruce Jenner revealed that he self identifies as a woman. It was a moving and brave interview. And obviously this is a delicate subject to talk about. But as a comedy show, we still need to make jokes about it. So here we go. You know, the thing with Bruce Jenner is– and like I said, he’s brave and um… and um… Michael, you wanna jump in here?

Michael Che: Nope!

Colin Jost: Okay. You know, there’s one thing… You know, actually Michael and I were talking back stage…

Michael Che: No man, that was just you.

Colin Jost: Okay, well, here’s the thing. I just feel like any way you slice it…

Michael Che: No, do not say slice.

Colin Jost: Okay, ya, you know what? I think it’s maybe better even just to–

Michael Che: Move on!

Colin Jost: — move on! Yeah. Back to you, Michael.

Michael Che: Thank you.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Slavery Museum at right top corner.]

Let’s get to something less chilling. The first museum in America dedicated entirely to slavery has opened on a form of sugar plantation Louisiana. Said one museum employee, “Help! This ain’t no damn museum!”

Weekend Update 1

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]

Michael Che: Good evening everyone.

Colin Jost: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. And here are tonight’s top stories.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Police Officer badge on right top corner.]

The State’s Attorney in Baltimore announced Friday that charges would be filed against six police officers in the death of Freddy Grey. It’s a vital and important first step on a path of those officers probably being acquitted.

State of emergency was declared in Baltimore after protest turned into violent rioting but no reported deaths. Meaning, the riots were still far less dangerous than the back seat of a Baltimore police van.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Ray Lewis at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Former Raven’s linebacker Ray Lewis spoke out against the violence in Baltimore saying, “Violence is not the answer.” Unless of course the question is, “What made Ray Lewis super rich?”

Due to the riot in Baltimore, Wednesday’s Orioles game against the White Sox was close to the public and had zero fans in attendance. Which was probably a good idea since Wednesday was Cal Ripken molotov cocktail day.

[Picture changes to Supreme Court]

During the Supreme Court hearing on the constitutionality of gay marriage, Justice Samuel Alito asked if homosexuals were allowed to marry, what will happen if a group of two men and two women try to apply for marriage license? Well, Sam, I am no legal expert but they’ll probably tell them no, because that’s polygamy and it’s illegal. And also not at all the same thing. So, let’s take to the case at hand and not try to turn this whole thing in some kind of gay word problem. Coz if the gay marriage train Massachusetts at 3 pm, and the traditional marriage train leaves Tennessee at at 6 pm, it doesn’t matter because look around you, everyone’s already on board the gay train.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Apple logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Apple reported earnings of over $194 billion this quarter after the company sold more than 61 million iPhones. And not to be undone, Samsung is also a company.