Tag: Weekend Update

Weekend Update Trump Worries About Impeachment | Season 44 Episode 9

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: “Weekend Update” with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in news set]

Colin Jost: Hi,  everybody.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. [Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump in the left top corner of the screen] Well, this last week was a pretty bad year for Donald Trump. Think about what’s currentily under investigation for him. Trump’s campaign, his transition, his inauguration, his business and his presidency. So everyone check your cards, because you might have [The picture changes to a bingo game] impeachment bingo. In fact, [The picture changes back to Trump] Trump has reportedly told people close to him that he’s worried he will get impeached. And by people close to him, I, of course, mean [The picture changes to Sean Hannity] Sean Hannity and [A picture of KFC logo appears] Colonel Sanders. [The picture changes back to Trump] This is a lot of legal trouble for any president. I mean I’m not lawyer but neither is [The picture changes to Michael Cohen] Trump’s lawyer. This week Michael Cohen was sentenced to three years in prison and he claimed he only committed his crimes out of a blind loyalty to Trump but Cohen was clearly a crook before he met Donald Trump. You know how I know? He was hired by Donald Trump. The only questions on a Trump job application are [Picture changes to a job applications with two questions] do you do crimes? And wanna do more?

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump’s tweet at the right top corner of the screen]

Michael Che: President Trump responded to Michael Cohen’s sentencing by tweeting – [Cut to the full screen of tweet] “I never directed Michael Cohen to break the law.” That’s my Trump. “He was a lawyer and he is supposed to know the law.” [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at the right top corner of the screen] Fair, but you know who else is supposed to know the law? The frigging president of the United States! I can’t get past that. I mean, the pope should know the bible. Santa should know the meaning of Christmas. The president should know the law. Dude, we’re paying you money for this. Am I bugging? Am I crazy?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of inaugural committee event in the left top corner of the screen]

Colin Jost: Not because of this. Federal prosecutors in New York are investigating whether president Trump’s inaugural committee some of the $107 million they raised for the event, which I assume they blew on Photoshop. [The pictures has a lot more people in the event now]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Michael Cohen at the right top corner of the screen]

Michael Che: I mean he’s the president. He’s got to know the law. Doctors know medicine. Araby’s know he meat. If I tell you I’m an astronaut and you ask me about the moon and I say “The moon?” It’s been confirmed that Trump was in the room with Michael Cohen and the publisher of the ‘National Enquirer’ when they discussed covering up Trump’s alleged affairs. Which alleged affairs is a very dignified way to say raw dog and porn stars.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of budget meeting in the left top corner of the screen]

Colin Jost: President Trump also held a contentious budget meeting at the White House this week with Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer. If you missed it, just go to a Denny’s and watch three grandparents fight over the check. [The picture changes to Trump and Schumer] After the meeting Schumer said that Trump “Lives in a cocoon of his own mistruth”. Dude, just call him a liar. Democrats keep using this flowery language. They forget they’re talking to a country where most people share their opinion through pictures of fire [Picture changes to fire emoji] or a dukie with eyeballs. [Picture changes to poop emoji]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Chris Christie at the right top corner of the screen]

Michael Che: Former New Jersey governor Chris Christie has taken himself out of the running to be the performant White House Chief of Staff. Also taking Chris Christie out of the running, side cramps.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Bet Rorke at the left top corner of the screen]

Colin Jost: A new poll shows the front funner for the 2020 democratic nomination is Bet Rorke, followed by [Picture changes to Joe Biden] Joe Biden, then [Picture changes to Bernie Sanders] Bernie Sanders and then [Picture changes to Oparah] Oparah, then [Picture changes to Lena Dunham] Lena Dunham and then the [Picture changes to Porno Lawyer] Porno Lawyer, and then [Picture changes to a Chai Latte in a pants suit] a Chai Latte in a pants suit, and then [Picture changes to a DVD boxed set of ‘A West Wing’] a DVD boxed set of ‘A West Wing’ and my personal favorite, [Picture changes to Barack Obama in a mustache] Barack Obama in a mustache.

Weekend Update: Melissa Villaseñor’s Grammy Awards Picks | Season 44 Episode 12

Colin Jost,

Malissa Villaseñor

Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set]

Colin Jost: Tomorrow night is the 61st Annual Grammy Awards, here to talk about who she thinks should win is our very own Melissa Villaseñor.

[Cut to Malissa Villaseñor coming in dressed as Lady Gaga]

Malissa Villaseñor: Yeah, thank you, Colin.

[Cut to Colin and Malissa]

You know, everyone has been on the edge of their seats waiting to hear my Grammy picks. Here we go.

Colin Jost: Okay, wait – hold on one second. Melissa, are dressed up as Lady Gaga?

Malissa Villaseñor: What? No, I just wore this for all my Melissa Monsters out there.

Colin Jost: All right. Sure, so let’s get started with the Grammy picks. Who is your choice for song of the year?

[Cut to Malissa]

Malissa Villaseñor: Oh, my god. I just heard this song for the first time this morning. It’s called “Shallow”. Have you heard it?

[Cut to Colin and Malissa]

Colin Jost: The Lady Gaga song? Yeah, I’ve heard it.

Malissa Villaseñor: That’s Gaga? Wow. So you have heard it.

Colin Jost: Yeah, I mean pretty much everyone has heard it basically everyday for the past three months, yeah.

Malissa Villaseñor: Well, in case you haven’t heard it –-

Colin Jost: We have.

Malissa Villaseñor: It goes a little something like this –

[Cut to Malissa singing with Lady Gaga impression]

♪Tell me something girl, are you happy in this modern world♪

[Cut to Colin and Malissa]

Colin Jost: Okay. All right. Yes, great. I know you’ve been trying to get your Lady Gaga impression on the show for a while now.

Malissa Villaseñor: How dare you. I’m not doing an impression. I am Melissa. And this is my famous Grammy preview.

Colin Jost: Okay, because you’re wearing a Lady Gaga wig.

Malissa Villaseñor: This isn’t a wig. I was born this way.

Colin Jost: Oh, okay. Is just makes it seem like you’re a little obsessed with Lady Gaga.

Malissa Villaseñor: So what Colin? When I heard this song for the first time this morning, I felt like I was –

[Cut to Malissa singing with Lady Gaga impression]

♪Falling in all the good times I find myself
longing for change and in the bad times I fear myself♪

[Kyle Mooney comes in and sing’s Bradley Cooper’s part]

♪In the Shall la-la-la low
In the Shall la-la-la low♪

[Kyle Mooney leaves]

Colin Jost: Wait! That was Kyle’s whole part? That was it?

Malissa Villaseñor: Yes.

Colin Jost: This is great, but I don’t know we could afford the rights to perform “Shallow” on the show. I’m sorry.

[Cut to Malissa singing with Lady Gaga impression]

Malissa Villaseñor: Hey.

♪Tell me something boy, aren’t you tired trying to fill that void.
[cut to Malissa and Colin]
or do you need more, ain’t it so hard keeping it so hardcore♪

Colin Jost: Well, sometimes yes.

Malissa Villaseñor: [Cut to Malissa singing with Lady Gaga impression]

♪oh oh oh, whoa whoa whoa whoa
I’m off the deep end watch as I dive in
I’ll never meet the ground♪

[Cut to Malissa and Colin]

Malissa Villaseñor: Melissa Villaseñor, everyone!

Weekend Update 1/20/96

[fade up to “Weekend Update/Norm MacDonald” graphic]

Don Pardo voiceover: Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald!

[dissolve to Norm at the Update desk]

Norm MacDonald: Thanks! Thank you, I’m Norm MacDonald, and now the fake news. Our top story tonight:

The nation is still reeling from Thursday’s bombshell announcement that Lisa Marie Presley has filed for divorce from Michael Jackson. According to friends, the two were never a good match; she’s more of a, uh, stay-at-home type, and he’s more of a homosexual pedophile.

This week, in a speech honoring Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., President Clinton said that if Dr. King were alive today, he would have supported the deployment of U.S. troops to Bosnia. Later, when asked how he could use the late civil rights leader’s name in such a self-serving manner, Clinton hopped a plane to England and lit up a big fat joint.

Meanwhile, President Clinton is hard at work on Tuesday’s State of the Union Address, in which he’ll focus on crime, education, and the economy. At the request of the First Lady, part of the President’s speech will be huge lies.

This week on NBC’s “Dateline,” three members of the Simpson jury explained their “not guilty” votes, and argued that if Simpson had killed his wife, there should have been blood stains all over his gate, front door, and light switches. Also this week, Simpson friend Al Cowlings released his video How to Get Blood Stains off Gates, Front Doors, and Light Switches. [cheers and applause]

And in Brentwood, O.J. himself was spotted manning a lemonade stand with his daughter Sydney. Asked by reporters why sales were so poor, O.J. replied, “Beats me.” And then he went back to cutting lemons with a giant knife.

Well, bad news for ice cream moguls Ben and Jerry. This week, the Food and Drug Administration banned their newest flavor: Ben’s Back Hair.

In an interview last week, Administrator of the FAA David R. Hinson explained why English is the only language used by pilots around the world. It turns out all the other languages are weird….Can’t even hardly understand most of ’em.

John Goodman has announced that he will not be returning to “Roseanne” next year, so how will the show get rid of him on screen? Well, insiders now say that over the last few episodes of the season, Roseanne will gradually eat him. [some cheers and applause]

And now, folks, here with the local news is our own Joe Blow! Hey Joe!

[pan over to Joe]

Joe Blow: Thanks, Norm. In local news, I’m barely treadin’ water. Kids across the street are playin’ with fire, and the guy around the corner is skatin’ on thin ice.

In foreign relations, Norm, the new family two doors down, they make noise all night, they play their music. They got 12 of them living here on one visitors visa. They’ve got the car in the living room and the couch on the lawn. They come down the block, they take up the whole sidewalk. I walk past them, they squeeze me out into the gutter. Norm, in your opinion, what is the action I should take, if any?

Norm: I – I – I – I don’t really feel qualified, Joe, I… [Joe nods]

Joe: In economic news, the job is still the job. Everybody gives you the silent treatment. Unless they’re tryin’ to sell you candy for the kids’ Catholic school. You have to buy at least two boxes, or else they call you a cheap bastard behind your back. I brought five boxes of Russell Strover’s from Rosario the checker. It didn’t help. Meanwhile, now his kid wins a new 10-speed, I’m still out on the loading dock with one glove. Nobody knows what happened to the other one, but of course, I have my suspects. Then you got Fat Anthony, drives the forklift, Norm. He swings the blades, he barely misses your shins. One time, all right, it’s a joke. Two or three times, I’m gonna take off my glove, eventually.

In domestic news, I had to get my son out of jail again. He wants to be a tough guy. I was the same way, in a gang, Norm. We all were, right? [he and Norm nod]…The Coronets, Norm. The Coronets.

In entertainment news, I went to see that movie, the one with the guy with the girl with the guy with the friend. I walked out, my wife doesn’t appreciate that kind of language. And I don’t like it, either. I mean, Norm, you seem to do pretty good, you don’t resort to profanity. Your sketch goes over big. Pretty big.

Norm: Oh, well – well – well thanks, Joe.

Joe: When are we gonna go for that beer, Norm?

Norm: What – what – what beer?

Joe: Do you remember the last time I was on here, we talked about goin’ for a beer? When would that, uh, transpire, do you think?

Norm: Oh, well, you know, I’d like to, Joe, you know. It’s just a matter of finding the time, so…

Joe: Norm, you gotta make the time for things that are important to you in life. I mean, uh, no offense, but uh, you don’t seem to budget your time very well….Let’s nail down a date.

Norm: [after a pause] April 11th?

Joe: April 11th. Done. April 11th it is, Norm.

Norm: Oh, okay. Joe Blow, ladies and gentlemen!

And now Weekend Update would like to wish a happy birthday to comic legend George Burns, who turned 100 years old today. [cheers and applause]…You know, I don’t know the secret to his longevity, but I – I think I speak for all of us when I say I hope Pauly Shore doesn’t know it either. [cheers and applause]

Barbara Jordan, the first African-American woman in Congress, died this week at the age of 59. Remarkably, singer James Brown had nothing to do with it.

Eric Etheridge, editor of George magazine, has quit over policy differences with the publication’s editor-in-chief, John F. Kennedy, Jr. Translation: they’re both banging the same receptionist.

Finally, legendary pool hustler Minnesota Fats passed away Wednesday. You know, now he’s probably up in Heaven racking them up for a game with St. Peter. Or maybe he’s in Hell, where demons gnaw at his flesh and the agonies of the damned never cease. [more enthusiastically] Either way, he’ll be missed.

And that’s all for now, folks! That’s the way it is! Good night!

[fade to black]

Weekend Update 9/30/95

[fade up to “Weekend Update/Norm MacDonald” graphic]

[opening music: “I’ll Be There for You” by the Rembrandts]

Don Pardo voiceover: Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald!

[dissolve to Norm at the Update desk]

Norm MacDonald: Thank you….Thank you….Tha-anks, I’m Norm MacDonald, and I’ll be there for you.

Well, the Trial of the Century is over. Late yesterday, the fate of O.J. Simpson, the most famous murder suspect in United States history, was placed in the hands of the jurors. They must now decide whether to free him or get all their heads cut off.

Testimony during the final week provided some spellbinding moments. In a brilliant move during closing arguments, Simpson attorney Johnnie Cochran put on the knit cap prosecutors say O.J. wore the night he committed the murders. Although O.J. may have hurt his case when he suddenly blurted out, “Hey hey, easy with that! That’s my lucky stabbin’ hat!”

In the course of his summation, Cochran also brought out Detective Mark Fuhrman, calling him a, quote, “genocidal racist,” and comparing him to Adolf Hitler. Fuhrman later responded, “After all the things he said about me during this trial, it’s a little late to start sucking up now.”

Meanwhile, Fuhrman, who was expected to face disciplinary action by the LAPD, may get off lightly. Under the terms of a controversial plea bargain, the charges against him have been reduced to, quote, “one count of using the word ‘darky.'”

Well!…The much-talked about film Showgirls opened this week. And here’s my review. Basically, a high-budget porno film, Showgirls is a thinly-veiled excuse to show lots of naked buttocks, legs, and breasts. On a scale of one to ten, I give it a ten. [applause]

[photo of Anna Nicole Smith kissing J. Howard Marshall] Texas millionaire J. Howard Marshall may have died two months ago, but as we see here, he and wife Anna Nicole Smith can still enjoy a romantic evening at home.

In Tennessee, police have arrested two teens with a computer for attempting to hook into a phone line at Republican state headquarters. The teens say they wanted free Internet time, as well as information on how to keep down the underclass.

And in California, a new restaurant has opened exclusively for dogs. Their specialty? A fried chicken dinner said to be scrotum-licking good. [applause]

Former Wilson Phillips member Carnie Wilson’s new talk show kicked off this month. According to Carnie, her show will be different from the others, in that guests will be treated with respect and dignity. And then she will eat them. [some applause]

And now a new feature on Weekend Update. Here’s Nancy Walls with the Head-Shaking News. [cut to wide shot of Norm and Nancy] Nancy?

Nancy Walls: Thank you, Norm.

Norm: Nancy, what have you got for us tonight?

Well!…The much-talked about film Showgirls opened this week. And here’s my review. Basically, a high-budget porno film, Showgirls is a thinly-veiled excuse to show lots of naked buttocks, legs, and breasts. On a scale of one to ten, I give it a ten. [applause]

Texas millionaire J. Howard Marshall may have died two months ago, but as we see here, he and wife Anna Nicole Smith can still enjoy a romantic evening at home.

In Tennessee, police have arrested two teens with a computer for attempting to hook into a phone line at Republican state headquarters. The teens say they wanted free Internet time, as well as information on how to keep down the underclass.

And in California, a new restaurant has opened exclusively for dogs. Their specialty? A fried chicken dinner said to be scrotum-licking good. [applause]

Former Wilson Phillips member Carnie Wilson’s new talk show kicked off this month. According to Carnie, her show will be different from the others, in that guests will be treated with respect and dignity. And then she will eat them. [some applause]

And now a new feature on Weekend Update. Here’s Nancy Walls with the Head-Shaking News. [cut to wide shot of Norm and Nancy] Nancy?

Nancy Walls: Thank you, Norm.

Norm: Nancy, what have you got for us tonight?

Nancy: Our top story tonight comes from Cincinnati, where a highly decorated, paralyzed World War II veteran was beaten and robbed by thieves, who then stole his wheelchair and tried to sell it for crack. [she and Norm shake their heads]…The next morning, it was picked up by Cincinnati garbagemen, taken to the city dump, and melted down for scrap. [she and Norm shake their heads]

Norm: Ohh, that’s…that just breaks your heart.

Nancy: Yeah. And this week in El Paso, a man was struck by lightning and taken to a local hospital, where he died after doctors mistakenly gave him a massive dose of electricity.

Norm: Ugh. [he and Nancy shake their heads]…Oh, you hate to hear that.

Nancy: It’s the times, Norm. In other news, Mickey, the beloved swan, who’s been entertaining children at the St. Louis Zoo for over 75 years–

Norm: Oh, uh, hey, I love that swan!

Nancy: Well, wait….He was shot through the neck with an arrow, beaten, and then sexually assaulted with his…with his own beak.

Norm: Ugh! [he and Nancy shake their heads]…That’s – that’s just senseless, that’s…

Nancy: Yeah. And in Binghamton, New York, an organ courier bringing a liver to a dying nun had the organ stolen….The liver was later found on a large kaiser roll, with lettuce, tomato, and Russian dressing….It had been delivered to a rival fraternity as a prank.

Norm: [he and Nancy shake their heads] Ohhh….What a world we live in, Nancy, what a world.

Well!…The much-talked about film Showgirls opened this week. And here’s my review. Basically, a high-budget porno film, Showgirls is a thinly-veiled excuse to show lots of naked buttocks, legs, and breasts. On a scale of one to ten, I give it a ten. [applause]

Texas millionaire J. Howard Marshall may have died two months ago, but as we see here, he and wife Anna Nicole Smith can still enjoy a romantic evening at home.

In Tennessee, police have arrested two teens with a computer for attempting to hook into a phone line at Republican state headquarters. The teens say they wanted free Internet time, as well as information on how to keep down the underclass.

And in California, a new restaurant has opened exclusively for dogs. Their specialty? A fried chicken dinner said to be scrotum-licking good. [applause]

Former Wilson Phillips member Carnie Wilson’s new talk show kicked off this month. According to Carnie, her show will be different from the others, in that guests will be treated with respect and dignity. And then she will eat them. [some applause]

And now a new feature on Weekend Update. Here’s Nancy Walls with the Head-Shaking News. [cut to wide shot of Norm and Nancy] Nancy?

Nancy Walls: Thank you, Norm.

Norm: Nancy, what have you got for us tonight?

Nancy: Our top story tonight comes from Cincinnati, where a highly decorated, paralyzed World War II veteran was beaten and robbed by thieves, who then stole his wheelchair and tried to sell it for crack. [she and Norm shake their heads]…The next morning, it was picked up by Cincinnati garbageman, taken to the city dump, and melted down for scrap. [she and Norm shake their heads]

Norm: Ohh, that’s…that just breaks your heart.

Nancy: Yeah. And this week in El Paso, a man was struck by lightning and taken to a local hospital, where he died after doctors mistakenly gave him a massive dose of electricity.

Norm: Ugh. [he and Nancy shake their heads]…Oh, you hate to hear that.

Nancy: It’s the times, Norm. In other news, Mickey, the beloved swan, who’s been entertaining children at the St. Louis Zoo for over 75 years–

Norm: Oh, uh, hey, I love that swan!

Nancy: Well, wait….He was shot through the neck with an arrow, beaten, and then sexually assaulted with his…with his own beak.

Norm: Ugh! [he and Nancy shake their heads]…That’s – that’s just senseless, that’s…

Nancy: Yeah. And in Binghamton, New York, an organ courier bringing a liver to a dying nun had the organ stolen….The liver was later found on a large kaiser roll, with lettuce, tomato, and Russian dressing….It had been delivered to a rival fraternity as a prank.

Norm: [he and Nancy shake their heads] Ohhh….What a world we live in, Nancy, what a world.

Nancy: I think somewhere, Norm, we got off the track as a society.

Norm: Well, is that…that all for the Head-Shaking News, Nancy?

Nancy: No no, Norm, there’s one more item. I’m a new cast member. I just moved here all the way from Chicago. And this Head-Shaking News thing pretty much is my big spot on the show.

Norm: [he and Nancy shake their heads] Ohhh….[cheers and applause] No, that’s – that’s not right. That’s not right.

Nancy: What are you gonna do?

Norm: Well – well, hey! Maybe this Head-Shaking News thing will kinda take off.

Nancy: You really think so?

Norm: [he and Nancy shake their heads] Noo, noo…no, no. Nancy Walls, everybody!…Nancy Walls.

Remember 12 Angry Men, the classic courtroom drama? Well, the first film about the O.J. Simpson case is in the works. It’s entitled Nine Angry Black People, Two Scared Asians, and a White Guy Who Hasn’t Spoken Since Rosa Lopez.

In Carlsbad, Texas, a tanker truck crashed into a prison bus, injuring 16 inmates. Doctors say it will be at least two weeks before the men are up and around and raping each other again.

America’s best known atheist, Madalyn Murray O’Hair, is missing, and hasn’t been seen for weeks. Her family is asking everyone to not pray.

And in music news, number one on the college charts this summer was Better Than Ezra. And at number two: Ezra. [delayed applause]

[photo of Elton John with a tennis racket in his mouth] Meanwhile, Elton John continues to deny rumors that he is engaged to his tennis racket.

Finally, folks, next week, Jews everywhere will be celebrating the holiday of Yom Kippur. Or as non-Jews refer to it: Wednesday.

And that’s all for now, folks. Good night!

[closing music: “I’ll Be There for You” by the Rembrandts]

[fade to black]

Weekend Update Trump Calls for End to Mueller Probe | Season 44 Episode 8

[Weekend Update intro playing]

Narrator: It’s “Weekend Update” with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[Cut to Colin and Michael in the news set]

Colin Jost: Thank you very much. Good evening, everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to “Weekend Update”. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. [Cut to Colin. There’s a picture of Robert Mueller at the left top corner] Well, this week Robert Mueller released the teaser trailer for “Trump: End Game”[Picture changes to a picture of cover picture of a movie. It mimics “The Avengers End Game” movie] . Federal prosecutors said Friday that [Picture changes to Donald Trump on the left and Michael Cohen on the right] Michael Cohen committed two election-related crimes at the direction of a person identified as “Individual-1”. Now, we don’t know for sure who Individual-1 is. But let’s just say things are pretty tense right now over at Individual-1 tower.[Picture changes to a tower that says “Individual-1 Tower”, mimicking “Trump Tower”]

Earlier today, Trump called the Mueller Report [Picture changes to Trump’s tweet] “Collusion Illusion,” Which is also my favorite Guns N’ Roses album. And yesterday Trump tweeted [Picture changes to another tweet by Trump] with no context or explanation—“Totally clears the President, Thank you.” Sounds like somebody has been reading “The Secret”. By the way I don’t blame Trump  for thinking that his tweets have magical power. I mean, just this week his tweets about China were able to tank the entire stock market. But at some point if every single person you hire gets indicted, the odds are you have something to do with it. I mean [Picture changes to friends of Trump as elves] if all of Santa’s Elves and all of Santa’s Reindeer got busted by the Feds, you would not expect Santa to tweet [Picture changes to made up tweet by Santa] “Totally clear for Christmas, thank you”.

Michael Che: [Cut to Michael. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at the right tope corner] Trump is now calling for an end to the Mueller probe which I got to admit, is worth a shot. I mean, you don’t want to go to jail and then find out you could have just called it off the whole time. The scariest thing about watching Trump be president is that he tries all the things that I would try. [The picture changes to a tweet by Donald Trump] President Trump also tweeted that he will be doing a major counter report to the Mueller report. Well you better hurry up, bud, because you only get one hour a day on that prison computer. Also, nothing says you’re guilty more than making a counter report before the Mueller report is out. It’s like watching “Cops” and as soon as they pull off the house, there’s already a shirtless guy on the lawn saying, “Okay, first of all, she’s lying.”

Colin Jost: [Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of John Kelly on the left top corner] President Trump said that John Kelly, his Chief of Staff is leaving the position at the end of the year because Kelly requires extensive surgery to remove [Picture changes to John Kelly with face palm] his palm to his face. [Picture changes to Trump at left and John Kelly at right] That’s how awful it is to work in the Trump White House. John Kelly spent 40 years in the Marines, he did three tours in Iraq and he couldn’t finish one tour with Donald Trump.

Trump also announced that he his Attorney General nominee will be [Picture of John Kelly changes to William Barr] William Barr who served as Attorney General from ’91 to ’93. A reboot of someone with the last name Barr who was big in the early ‘90s? What could go wrong! [Picture changes to Matthew Whitaker] Barr would replace Acting Attorney General Matthew Whitaker, who previously served as The Body Suit for Krang.

[Picture changes to Donald Trump] And memorial services for former president George H.W. Bush were held this week. Many observers said that president Trump looked bored. But I think he was just getting an idea. He  was thinking, “Wait, maybe before the whole Mueller report comes out, I should just fake my own death and escape to the last place anyone would ever look for me—[Picture changes to Donald Trump with Mexican hat and a mustache] Mexico.” And you know that Trump will be the first guy to ever fake his own death [Picture changes to made up tweet my Donald Trump that says “I’m dead. Sad!”] via tweet.

Weekend Update Travel Expert Carrie Krum | Season 44 Episode 8

Carrie Krum (Aidy Bryant)

[Starts with Michael in his news set]

Michael Che: Well, it’s one of the busiest travel times of the year. So here with her holiday travel tips is seventh grade travel expert, Carrie Krum. [Carrie comes in] Hi, Carrie. So how are you liking your trip to New York?

Carrie Krum: Oh, I love it. Yeah, I mean I went to Time Square and I saw Spider Man and he gave me the finger.

Michael Che: Cool. So Carrie, what kind of destinations can you recommend for vacationers?

Carrie Krum: Oh, well, [Cut to Carrie] one of the absolute best global destinations has got to be Columbus, Ohio. Oh, yeah, you got cousins, you got aunts. And did you know that uncles can have ponytails too? But the best thing about Columbus is– [Cut to Michael and Carrie. Carrie is acting shy] Michael, Michael–

Michael Che: What?

Carrie Krum: My cousin’s neighbors are boys.

Michael Che: Alright, Carrie, that sounds pretty specific to your family trips. Where can other people travel?

Carrie Krum: Um, try the Twin freaking Cities! [Cut to Carrie] Yeah, where you’ll go to a farm and see a really big pig and your brother will tell you that’s where Ham comes from. And then you’ll sob because you love to eat ham.

Michael Che: [Cut to Carrie and Michael] Again, that feels like what you did in the Twin Cities. But what can everybody do?

Carrie Krum: Okay, well might I [Cut to Carrie] recommend staying at my aunt Nancy’s house? Because Michael, [Cut to Carrie and Michael. Carrie is acting shy.] Michael–

Michael Che: Yes?

Carrie Krum: She’s bra-less on the couch! [Cut to Carrie] Yeah, overall pretty great trip. Except I will say for when I got spanked.

Michael Che: [Cut to Carrie and Michael] Oh, I’m sorry.

Carrie Krum: Oh, don’t be, Michael. I mean that’s what traveling is all about, you know, testing boundaries. [Cut to Carrie] Like in Dubuque, Iowa, where my parents were drinking daiquiris and they were laughing and I didn’t get it but when adults are laughing, I’m laughing right along with them.

Michael Che: [Cut to Carrie and Michael] Now that sounds like a very fun vacation.

Carrie Krum: Oh, yeah. Oh yeah, Dubuque is a can’t miss. When I was there, [Cut to Carrie] my cousin Mitchell forgot his bathing suit, so he got to wear his underwear in the hot tub. And Michael, [Cut to Carrie and Michael. Carrie is acting shy.] Michael–

Michael Che: What?

Carrie Krum: You can kind of see his butt.

Michael Che: All right, well, have you ever been anywhere exotic?

Carrie Krum: Oh, yeah. [Cut to Carrie] Oh, duh, okay, once on a connecting flight from Phoenix to Denver, I got to go to the Atlanta airport. Okay, you want to talk exotic, I saw two indoor pigeons work together to carry a Bagel. That’s a Bonjour vacation.

Michael Che: [Cut to Carrie and Michael Che] Well, it sounds like you had a lot of awesome vacations. I mean, were there any places you didn’t like?

Carrie Krum: Yeah, Montana.

Michael Che: Montana? Why?

Carrie Krum: [Cut to Carrie] Because when I went to Montana, I fell on a bunch of rocks on my back.

Michael Che: [Cut to Carrie and Michael] Where?

Carrie Krum: On my back.

Michael Che: I mean where in Montana?

Carrie Krum: On the rocks! And it really hurt, [Cut to Carrie] so please don’t go there. The rocks are too hard and my back is too soft.

Michael Che: [Cut to Carrie and Michael] Okay. I won’t go there.

Carrie Krum: Okay. Michael, I’m sorry can we stop, because I got to go to the bathroom.

Michael Che:  Can’t you just wait until the end?

Carrie Krum: No, because Mumford & Sons gave me a bunch of Sierra mist.

Michael Che: Well, if you have to go then go.

Carrie Krum: Okay. Thank you, Michael. I love you, Michael.

Michael Che: Carrie Krum everybody.

Weekend Update SpaceX Launches Rocket with Cremated Remains | Season 44 Episode 8

[Starts with Colin Jost in the news set. There’s a picture at left top corner of SpaceX]

Colin Jost: SpaceX launched a rocket into orbit carrying the cremated remains of a hundred people. Unfortunately, they weren’t cremated when it launched.

[Cut to Michael. There’s a picture at right top corner of Earth]

Michael Che: Two new studies about accelerated greenhouse emissions find that the earth will be impacted by global warming sooner than we thought. God bless these scientists and researchers that are still studying this thing that we just refuse to listen to. We’re like a stubborn old man at the doctor’s office and they’re pleading with us, “Sir, you gotta  quit smoking”. “Kiss my ass, I like cigars.”

[Picture changes to Kevin Hart on Oscar stage] Well, that was short. Kevin Hart had to step down as host of the upcoming Academy Awards because of homophobic tweets from 2011. Didn’t the Academy nominate [Picture changes to Mel Gibson] Mel Gibson for an award just last year? [Picture changes back to Kevin Hart] Also, if Kevin– Thank you. I love when there’s a black lady in the audience. Also if Kevin Hart isn’t clean enough to host the Oscars, then no black comic is. The only black comic I know that’s cleaner than Kevin Hart is booked for the next three to ten years.

[Cut to Colin. There’s a picture at left top corner of ‘The Little Mermaid’]

Colin Jost: An Acapella Group at Princeton University has stopped performing the song “Kiss the Girl” from “Little Mermaid” after the student newspaper, said the lyrics promote toxic masculinity. Also, it just sucks to hear a bunch of white guys sing like [Picture changes to a red crab from the cartoon Aerial] a Jamaican crab.

[Picture changes to bull fighting with China’s flag] A new version of bull fighting has started in China in which participants use their hands instead of swords. That’s how many extra people they have.

[Cut to Michael. There’s a picture at right top corner of ‘RuPaul’s Drag Race” and British flag]

Michael Che: A British version of “RuPaul’s Drag Race” will begin airing next year on the BBC. And because it’s Englsnd, their penises will be tucked on the right side.

[Picture changes to map picture of Florida and a marijuana leaf] A man in Florida was arrested for selling marijuana, claimed that he was only doing it to buy better Christmas Gifts for his children. Replied his children, “Just give us the weed dad”.

Colin Jost: [Cut to Colin. There’s a picture at left top corner of ice pick]

A Utah man was arrested after he got into an argument and hammered an ice pick through the other man’s penis. Hey, it’s like they say, never bring a penis to an ice pick fight.

Weekend Update Michael Che on Bidets | Season 44 Episode 8

[Starts with Colin in his news set. There’s a picture of Tushy company’s product]

Colin Jost: New York city subway officials have rejected an ad from the company Tushy, which sells modern bidets saying the ads didn’t meet their decency standards on the subway. For more on this is—wait, Michael Che? [Michael comes in the set]

Michael Che: What’s up, Colin?

Colin Jost: [Cut to Michael and Colin] Wait. Michael, wait. What are you doing?

Michael Che: An Update feature.

Colin Jost: Wow.

Michael Che: So this is “SNL”.

Colin Jost: Wait, Che, I told you this was a bad idea.

Michael Che: Thanks Colin. [Cut to Michael] So I think these subway ads are great. People need to know about bidets. I just got one and it changed my life. It’s glorious. Food tastes better. I can jump higher. I want children now. I’m a better person. You know, the first time I used it, I cried. And not even because I was emotional, because the water went so far up, it came out my eyes.

Colin Jost: [Cut to Michael and Colin] Oh, god. Dude—

Michael Che: I know, I must have set the pressure too high, man. That thing sprayed me like it was trying to remove graffiti.

Colin Jost: No one wants to hear about this.

Michael Che: Shut up, Colin, you white guy! It’s better when Leslie does it. [Cut to Michael] Look, this bidet is a game changer. Gone are the days of me penguin walking to the sink with my pants around my ankles trying to wet some tissues like a fool!

Colin Jost: [Cut to Michael and Colin] You know they mare wipes.

Michael Che: Baby wipes? First of all, that’s terrible for the environment and you should be ashamed of yourself. Not to mention baby wipes just don’t work as well. [Cut to Michael] Using baby wipes are like eating chicken wing with a fork and a knife. But a bidet, that’s putting a whole drumstick in your mouth and pulling out a clean bone. [Cut to Michael and Colin] I’m whistling.

Colin Jost: That’s way too descriptive. Can you please, do you think these ads from bidets should be allowed on the Subway?

Michael Che: [Cut to Michael] I think they should only be on the subway! You know how miserable the subway is? That’s where people need a little splash of hope the most. Besides what better metaphor for a bidet than a whooshing train zipping through a dirty tunnel? [Cut to Michael and Colin]

Colin Jost: Did you need an entire feature for this?

Michael Che: Maybe.

Colin Jost: Are you done?

Michael Che: [Cut to Michael] No. Sometimes I put on propeller hat and then turn on the Bidet and try to make it spin on the top.

Colin Jost: [Cut to Michael and Colin] Michael Che, everyone.

Weekend Update: Trump’s Moscow Tower | Season 44 Episode 7

[Weekend Update intro playing]

Narrator: It’s “Weekend Update” with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in news set]

Colin Jost: Hey, everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to “Weekend Update.” I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. [Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of President Trump in the left top corner of the screen] This week Americans were hit with the stunning revelation that their president may have possibly lied to them. Trump’s former lawyer [Picture in the left top corner changes to Michael Cohen] Michael Cohen, who I believe is the love child of Cellino and Barnes, [picture in the top left corner changes to Cellino and Barnes] testified in court that Donald Trump [picture changes to Michael Cohen and Donald Trump] continued to work on a deal to build a Trump Tower in Moscow well into his presidential campaign. [Picture changes to a screenshot of Trump’s tweet] Trump defended himself saying the deal was, “Very legal and very cool.” That sounds like a craigslist ad for Russian prostitutes. [Picture changes to craigslist ad for prostitues] Number one all-time babes, very legal, very cool, man and we never kill you, only sometimes.

Michael Che: [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Michael Cohen in the right top corner of the screen with the tag “Weak Person”] President Trump attacked Michael Cohen for pleading guilty to lying to Congress, calling him a weak person. Oh, really, what gave that away, his chin? Doesn’t Donald Trump realize everybody he hires just ends up leaving him or getting fired or locked up? Oh, honey, it’s you. [Picture changes to President Trump] He picks counsel like my cousin Tasha picks baby fathers.

Colin Jost: [Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Saudi Crown Prince and Vladimir Putin in the left top corner of the screen] At this weekend’s G20 summit, President Vladimir Putin greeted Saudi Crown Prince Mohammad Bin Salman with a very enthusiastic high-five. [Cut to a video clip of Vladimir Putin giving Crown Prince a high five] Yeah, [Cut to Colin Jost] super cool. No one killed anyone. They looked like the video of  NASA scientists when they found out their probe landed on Mars. [Cut to a video clip of NASA scientists celebrating their success]

[Cut to Colin Jost] And then Putin greeted President Trump with as always, a violent sack tap. [Picture changes to President Putin and President Trump. President Trump leaning forward as if hit on the sack]

[Picture changes to a baby Trump balloon] And protesters at G20 summit flew a giant baby Trump balloon which in the past Trump had said makes him feel unwelcome. Well, yeah, I mean the balloon was never meant as a tribute. Also saying that balloon is being mean to me is a pretty clear sign of dementia. Worst, Trump also thought that the Macy’s Thanksgiving day parade was calling him a [picture changes to big Garfield balloon] huge orange pussy.

Michael Che: [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Julian Assage and Paul Manafort in the right top corner] This week it was reported that Julian Assange, who dyes his face to match his hair, met with Paul Manafort in 2016. [Picture changes to Paul Manafort] Manafort denies the meeting ever took place, but I don’t know if trust a guy who looks like he bleeds cologne. Manafort looks like the kind of guy who tells his daughter’s friends, “You really filled out nicely.”

Colin Jost: [Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of the First Lady Melania with many red Christmas trees behind her] First lady Melania Trump was mocked on social media for her white house Christmas display, which this year featured 40 red trees. And sure, those trees look like jagged teeth in the blazing hot mouth of Satan himself. But come on guys, Melania, she needs this. Her only thing is a campaign against bullying that has been used exclusively to bully her. It’s not like most Christmas decorations are super tasteful anyway. I mean if you’ve seen what people put on their lawns? Maybe you think the white house should be full of giant [red trees changes to minion balloons in the picture] inflatable minions? Or how about this lovely [minion balloons change to Santa in an outhouse] Santa in an outhouse. That’s real and cost $150? And also do you think Christmas displays would be better if Hillary had won? [picture changes to Hillary Clinton and Bill Clinton] I mean Bill would be doing the decorating. So that hallway would be just 100% leg lamps. [Picture to a hallway with giants lamps on really nice lady legs]

Michael Che: [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a map picture on the top right corner] American border agents fired tear gas and pepper spray on hundreds of migrants who tried to enter the country illegally through Tijuana. Giving migrants a fun preview of what it’s like to be a minority in America. [The picture changes to President Trump] Trump defended the border saying they used safe tear gas. Wait, there’s been safe tear gas this whole time? Boy, black people are going to be upset when they find out about this.

Weekend Update: Six-Foot-Tall Steer | Season 44 Episode 7

[Michael Che on the news set. There’s a picture of big steer between many cows on the right top corner]

Michael Che: An Australian Rancher said that a six-foot tall steer weighing over one ton is too big to go to the slaughterhouse. Yeah, me too, [Picture changes to three cows stacked upon each other wearing a coat] said three cows in a trench coat.

Colin Jost: [Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of gritty pupped on left top corner] Philadelphia flyers Mascot gritty helped light the Christmas tree outside Philadelphia’s city hall this week. Yeah! Yeah, Gritty was a last-minute replacement for Santa Claus, who was busy trying to escape from Gritty’s trunk. [Picture changes to Santa abducted by Gritty and kept in his trunk] [Picture changes to a logo of Starbucks and wi-fi symbol] Starbucks announced that starting in 2019 it will block pornography websites over its wi-fi. It’s a move they’re calling [Picture changes to Michael Che using a laptop in Starbucks] Che’s Law.

[Cut to Colin and Michael]

Michael Che: It’s a good law. [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of J.F.K airport on the top right corner] Officials at J.F.K. airport said that a suitcase containing more than 100 pounds of cocaine was left unclaimed at the luggage carousel. For reference, here’s what 100 pounds of cocaine look like. [Pictue changes to Steven Tyler]

[Picture changes to a map picture of Brazil]

Brazilian officials announced that deforestation in the country has reached it’s highest level in a decade. Worse, they’re only doing it because their boyfriend likes it that way.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Phone and a woman smelling it on top left corner]

It’s a waxing joke!

Colin Jost: [Cut to Colin and Michael] Oh, thank you. I just got it.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Phone and a woman smelling it on top left corner]

Researchers are developing a method to transmit smells through texts. So, yes, there is a way dick pics can get worse.

[Picture changes to Dunkin Donuts] Dunkin’ donuts is saying it’s customer rewards program may have been hacked because American runs on Duncan, but Duncan runs on [Picture changes to old desktop computer] windows 98.

Michael Che: [Cut to Colin and Michael] And on a serious note, Friday night former President George H.W. Bush passed away. He was 94 years old. Our thoughts and condolences go out to his family and friends.

Colin Jost: That’s right, President Bush was famously a warm and gracious man who always understood the power in being able to laugh at yourself.

Speaker 3: [Cut to George Bush impressionist] Thousand points of lights still operating. Coming in from all of those areas. Not gonna do it! Not GA DA.

George Bush: [Cut to George Bush] George Bush here. I’m watching you do your impression of me, and I got to say, it’s nothing like me. There’s no resemblance. It’s bad. It’s bad.

[Cut to George Bush on right side and his impressionist on left side]

Speaker 3: Well, I’m sorry, Mr. President, I think it’s a fair impression.

George Bush: Don’t see it.

Speaker 3: You don’t?

George Bush: It’s totally exaggerated, not me. Those crazy hand gestures, pointing thing. I don’t do’em. And also Na Go Da—never said it. In all my years of government service, I never once said Na, Ga, Da.

[Cut to George Bush’s picture]

[Cut to Colin and Michael]

Michael Che: For “Weekend Update,” I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: Colin Jost. Good night.