Tag: Weekend Update

Weekend Update: Jules on the Economy | Season 44 Episode 7

Jules… Beck Bennett

[Colin Jost in his news set]

Colin: The economic issues facing our country are very complicated and hard to understand. Here to explain them is the so-called free-thinking economist. Please welcome Jules, who sees things a little differently.

[Jules slides in on his chair]

Jules: Wow, wow. Hi.

[Cut to Jules and Colin]

Colin: I’m already worried. So what is the big general overview of the economy right now?

Jules: [Cut to Jules] Well, first of all, I just want to say that growing up, I wasn’t like other kids. Like if other kids were watching cartoons, I was like making hats. If that makes sense. So I guess I just—I don’t know, I see things a little differently.

Colin: [Cut to Jules and Colin] Okay. What about something like about the economy?

Jules: [Cut to Jules] Okay, so you’re looking at the economy, like numbers, charts, buy, sell. Meanwhile, I’m looking at a baby, and I’m thinking that’s what we need, open eyes, skin so soft, no bones, just love Colin.

[Cut to Jules and Colin]

Colin: Babies have bones. Okay. What do you think about GM cutting almost 15,000 jobs? What does that mean for the auto industry?

Jules: [Cut to Jules] So, I don’t love taking like cars places. Because they’re just so like 1984 the book to me, like these were Orwellian machines, straight out of George Orwell if that makes sense.

Colin: [Cut to Jules and Colin] No, it does not. No.

Jules: So instead of driving a car, I like to like, [Cut to Jules] lay belly down on a long-board and use my arms the way a dolphin uses its fins. Sure, it takes longer. And yes, I’ve been hit by a couple of cars, but the thing about getting hit by a car Colin is that for just a moment I get to fly. [Cut to Jules and Colin. Colin has his palm on his face] Oh, look, Colin, chills.

Colin: Can I just ask, what do you do for a living?

Jules: I don’t know. I like to play.

Colin:  Oh, so gross.

Jules: [Cut to Jules] I just see people going work like—ra, ra, ra! I need money to put a roof over my head. But if you have a roof over your head, how are you going to see the stars?

[Cut to Jules and Colin]

Colin: Dude!

Jules: And, yes, my dad [Cut to Jules] invented Oxycontin, and I get that makes a lot of money, but like we’re all just animals in people’s costumes, right?

[Cut to Jules and Colin]

Colin: I have never hated anyone this much.

Jules: I guess the way I think makes me [Cut to Jules] a little strange. I’m kind of like dreaming while I’m awake, [Cut to [Cut to Jules and Colin. Colin pushes Jules away from the set slowly] while other people wait to go to sleep to dream. Meanwhile, me, I’m always dreaming because I see things just a little different Colin.

Colin: Jules, everyone.

Post Announces Sour Patch Kids Cereal – Weekend Update | Season 44 Episode 6

[Colin Jost reporting the news. A picture of cereal in the top left corner]

Colin Jost: Post cereal has announced that they will be making a new sour patch kids’ flavored cereal. It’s a great way to start the morning off on the right foot because the left foot was taken by diabetes.

Michael Che: [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of globe focusing Ireland on the top right corner] Aviation officials report that two Irish pilots claim that they saw an unidentified flying object but keep in mind, Irish pilot is also the highest reading on a breathalyzer. [The picture on the top right changes to a breathalyzer] [The picture on the top right corner changes to chocolate] A luxury candy company in Chicago will soon start selling ruby chocolates, and they’re gonna get sued because ruby chocolate is my drag name.

Colin Jost: [Cut to Colin Jost with a picture of Walt Disney Park on the top left corner] Walt Disney World removed a man from the park as he waves a Trump 20-20 banner on splash mountain. The man also demanded to separate the ‘It’s a small world kids’ from their families. And ironically, the man had snuck into the park through Epcot’s Mexico pavilion.

Michael Che: [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of annual calendar for taxi drivers on the top right corner] The annual New York city taxi calendar has been released featuring pictures of topless cap drivers. A calendar of Uber drivers [The picture on the top right corner changes to a car window with ‘Uber’ tag inside] is available on the sex offender registry.

Colin Jost: [Cut to Colin Jost with a picture of two women sign on the top left corner.] A lesbian couple made medical history by each taking turns carrying their baby’s embryo in their wombs. It was a totally equal effort, said the one who didn’t have to give birth. [Michael Che laughs] [The picture on the top left corner changes to a picture of candies] British police are asking a woman who hid more than $300,000 worth of cocaine inside her daughter’s candy. Authorities became suspicious when they noticed the daughter is still trick-or-treating.

LaVar Ball on LeBron James’ Criticism – Weekend Update | Season 44 Episode 6

[Michael Che on news set]

Michael Che: The NBA season is one month old, and one of the biggest stories is the Los Angeles Lakers, who are off to a slow start. Here to talk about it is the father of Lakers point guard Lonzo Ball, Lavar Ball.

Lavar Ball: [Lavar slides on a chair into the screen] All right. What’s up Michael?

Michael Che: How are you doing?

Lavar Ball: How are you doing, Michael? Me? I’m incredible.

Michael Che: You’ve been outspoken about your son Lonzo playing more minutes. How is he doing?

Lavar Ball: Amazing! [Cut to Lavar] He ain’t no rookie no more. Now it’s his time, his team, he’s the king of L.A. Standing reservations at Spago. Best friends with Jack Nicholson. And he was just named Best New Starlet at the adult video awards. Never lost. [Cut to Michael and Lavar]

Michael Che: Well, I heard rumors that LeBron James thinks you’re a distraction and doesn’t want you around the team.

Lavar Ball: [Cut to Lavar] Man! Don’t you tell me about no LeBron James! Me and LeBron are best friends, BFF-esses, picnics in the park, brunch on Sundays, always from a respectable 500 feet away. Would I never violate the restraining order, never with the violations?

Michael Che: [Cut to Michael and Lavar] I mean even with LeBron, the Lakers are still off to a slow start. Do you think they need maybe more experience?

Lavar Ball: [Cut to Lavar] Hell no! What they need is a great coach, and I’ve got the perfect choice, me!

Michael Che: You?

Lavar Ball: [Cut to Michael and Lavar] That’s right. I would be an incredible coach, man. [Cut to Lavar] The first thing I’m going to do is make some personnel changes. Yeah, we’re going to be unstoppable with the starting lineup of LeBron, my older son Lonzo, my middle boy Liangelo, my youngest Lamelo, and my other son who was recently rescued from the matrix, Lemorpheous. [Cut to Michael and Lavar]

Michael Che: Now, your actual sons Liangelo and Lamelo just spent a year playing in Lithuania on a team you created.

Lavar Ball: You’re damn right, The Big Baller League.

Michael Che: How did they handle it?

Lavar Ball: What?

Michael Che: How did they handle?

Lavar Ball: Oh, [Cut to Lavar] they loved it. They could be rich teenagers in L.A., but instead, they were in lovely town of Villous, living the big baller lifestyle. Pierogi for breakfast, pierogi for lunch, and for dinner the burneyest cabbage dessert of Bucharest. It will run right through you like the China’s Huji river.

Michael Che: [Cut to Michael and Lavar] That sounds rough, man.

Lavar Ball: Oh you jealous? That we be ballin out every day. We just signed [Cut to Lavar] a Lucrative three-figure deal with the biggest video game console in all of Lithuania, the PlayStation 2 and the baller just had their grand finale game against the London Lions in Britain’s number one sport venue.

Michael Che: Wembley Stadium?

Lavar Ball: [Cut to Michael and Lavar] No, the Cover Box Arena in Stratford. This week, basketball. Next week, a production of “Sweeney Todd.”

Michael Che: That’s a long way from coaching the Lakers.

Lavar Ball: How dare you? [Cut to Lavar] My son owns that team. He owns the city. And he also owns the patent to the only sneaker that tracks your genealogy. Introducing the 23-SO3Es.

Michael Che: [Cut to Michael and Lavar] Track your genealogy, how does that even work?

Lavar Ball: Easy. You just get your grand mama to fill the shoe up with spit and in five to eight weeks will tell you her heritage with up to 14% accuracy. Never fully sure. Never fully sure.

Michael Che: Lavar Ball everybody. Weekend Update, Michael Che.

Amazon Opens New York Headquarters – Weekend Update | Season 44 Episode 6

[News intro playing] It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[Cut to Colin and Michael on a news set]

Michael Che: What’s up everyone?

Colin Jost: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Colin Jost

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. [Cut to Michael. There’s a picture map marking Queens and Arlington on top right corner] Amazon has announced that it will be opening its second headquarters in Queens, New York and Arlington, Virginia, after it accidentally left both cities [The picture on top right corner changes to screenshot of Amazon shopping cart selling Queens and Arlington cities] in its cart. [The picture on top right corner changes New York city with ‘Question Deal’ tag] A lot of New Yorkers are worried about the impact Amazon will have on Queens, but I’m more worried about the impact Queens will have on Amazon.

Colin Jost: [Cut to Colin. There’s an Amazon picture on the top left corner] By the way, only New Yorkers could complain about getting 25,000 new jobs. All of the cities who lost out must have been like, “Shut up you whiny bitches.” New York basically won the lottery, and we’re like, “Oh, but the subways might be slightly more crowded.” Meanwhile, people in West Virginia are like, “Well back to the mines.”  I know it’s going to raise housing prices, but it’s a little late for New Yorkers to complain about rent. I mean even Amazon had to move to Queens because it couldn’t afford to live in Manhattan.

Michael Che: [Cut to Michael. There’s a picture of ballot machine on the top right corner] Election officials in Florida said the ballot machine overheated causing mismatch results in the recount. Word, they overheated in 2018 with all this technology. I have a watch that can count every step I take and lets me watch porno on the treadmill for motivation, but your voting machines can’t even handle a little recount? How come the IRS never have these problems? I would love to hear, “We didn’t count your taxes this year because our abacus is busted again.” They always make it so simple to pay taxes, meanwhile to vote we have to physically line up on a Tuesday in November like getting meat rations in the 1930s.

Colin Jost: [Cut to Colin. There’s a picture map of Florida with LGBTQ flag on the top left corner] A county in Florida became the first local government in the state’s history to elect an all-LGBTQ government. For more on this bring it up to your grandpa at Thanksgiving. [The picture on the top left corner changes to Presiden Trump and baseball player Babe Rth] On Friday president trump held the presidential medal of freedom ceremony and gave one to Yankee legend Babe Ruth, because he knew that no current athlete would actually show up.

Michael Che: [Cut to Michael. There’s a picture of President Trump speaking with black men standing behind him on the top right corner] Because they’re all black. President Trump announced that republicans and democrats have agreed on a criminal justice reform bill. By the way noting makes me more nervous than seeing Donald Trump making an announcement with five black dudes standing behind him. My first thought is, “Oh lord, how much they sell us for?” Anyway, this prison reform is a good thing and probably a trap. At best it’s a good thing but coming from a bad place. Like when you buy baby clothes from a crack head. I mean it might be a great deal, but at the same time you’re like, “So this dude stole clothes from a baby?”

Colin Jost: [Cut to Colin. There’s a picture of Roger Stone on the top left corner] Great new report. Six days before the Wikileaks released half the emails from Hillary Clinton’s campaign, Roger Stone who I believe runs a haunted carnival, received a text from a friend reading Hillary Clinton’s campaign will die this week, even though the actual moment her campaign died is when she said this- [Cut to Hillary Clinton speaking] “Pokemon Go to the polls!” [Cut to Colin and the picture on top left corner is of Hillary Clinton] I don’t know. Bet Trump is hoping she will Peek-A-Choose to run again.

Weekend Update: David Ortiz on Red Sox’s World Series Win | Season 44 Episode 4

…..Colin Jost

…..Michael Che

David Ortiz…..Kenan Thompson

[ Colin Jost is sitting at the news desk. ]

COLIN JOST: In the world of sports, the Boston Red Sox beat the Los Angeles Dodgers in the World Series. Easy. Easy. Here to comment is former Red Sox slugger, Big Papi himself, David Ortiz.

[ David Ortiz slides in to sit next to Colin at the news desk. He is wearing a Red Sox t-shirt. ]

David Ortiz: Yo, yo, yo, yo. Woooo! Como estas, el Jost? Ahh, those Red Sox son los campeones del mundo!

COLIN JOST: Yeah, that’s right, champions of the world!

David Ortiz: Shut up! You no translate!

COLIN JOST: Okay, I’m sorry. Sorry.

David Ortiz: The Red Sox won another World Series man. And you know how we celebrate in Boston?

COLIN JOST: You had a big parade, right?

David Ortiz: We had a big lunch.

COLIN JOST: There was a lunch?

David Ortiz: Yeah. The whole city eat a big Dominican lunch. With Big Papi!

COLIN JOST: And then, what sort of lunch…?

David Ortiz: [ Speaking in Spanish about the meal. He mentions steak and clam chili. ] And then for Halloween, we finish it all off with a slice of pumplikan pie.

COLIN JOST: I’m sorry, pumplikan?

David Ortiz: Yeah, that’s when a pelican eat a pumpkin, and then you eat the pelican. It’s a spooky.

COLIN JOST: Okay, and did you celebrate with the other players after the game?

David Ortiz: Oh yeah bro. Everyone in the locker room was spraying each other with something. I think you know what it is.

COLIN JOST: Oh, oh, mofongo?

David Ortiz: No. Champagne, man. Mofongo, man, don’t be racist.

COLIN JOST: Alright. Well the ratings for the World Series were down this year. Why do you think that is?

David Ortiz: Well, because nobody know who these Red Sox players are, man. But everybody knows Big Papi. Because I became a spokesman.

COLIN JOST: Oh yeah, that’s right. You do ads or a bunch of different products, right?

David Ortiz: No, no, no. I do ads for spokes. [ An advertisement for wheel spokes appears below David on the screen. ] ‘You got a wheel? But you don’t know how to connect it to your bike? Use spokes, man! They’re like tiny little crutches for your wheel.’

COLIN JOST: So that’s an ad just for the general idea of spokes?

David Ortiz: Yeah, man. It’s like the concept, bro. And I do ad for Apple Watch, too.

COLIN JOST: Apple Watch.

David Ortiz: [ And ad for Apple Watch appears below David on the screen. It is an image of an apple and then the word ‘watch.’ ] ‘Apple Watch. You go to watch your apples. Or a monkey is going to steal them. So use Apple Watch instead, use a gun.’

COLIN JOST: You protect your apples with a gun?

David Ortiz: Yeah, bro. You can eat apples with anything man. Monfongo. [ He names other dishes in what sounds like Spanish with a heavy Puerto Rican accent. ] Funnel Cake de salmon.

COLIN JOST: Wait, I’m sorry. Funnel Cake with salmon?

David Ortiz: Yeah, man. It make your dreams loco. Oh, and! Did you see my ad for bitcoin?

COLIN JOST: For bitcoin? No, no.

David Ortiz: [ An ad for Bitcoin appears below David on the screen. ] ‘You got a coin? But you don’t know if it’s gold or chocolate? Well if you bit coin, then you know.’ It’s what the pirates do in the movies, man. You know what I’m saying?

COLIN JOST: Yeah, yeah.

David Ortiz: And do you ever see the people who smoke the little vape pens?

COLIN JOST: Yeah, vape pens.

David Ortiz: Because I do an ad for Juul. [ An ad for Juul appears below David on the screen. ] ‘Juul. If you run around sucking on a vape pen, Juul look like a dumb ass, man.

COLIN JOST: Big Papi, everyone! Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

MICHAEL CHE: And I’m Michael Che, good night!

David Ortiz: Big Papi! Hey!

Weekend Update: Trump Deploys Troops to Stop Migrant Caravan | Season 44 Episode 4

Announcer…..Darrell Hammond

…..Michael Che

…..Colin Jost

[ Weekend Update intro. ]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[ Cut to Colin and Michael at the news desk. ]

COLIN JOST: Thank you. Thank you very much. Good evening everyone.

MICHAEL CHE: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

COLIN JOST: And I’m Colin Jost. President Trump announced that he would deploy more than 15,000 troops to the US-Mexico border to stop a migrant caravan from entering the country. Meanwhile, a second migrant caravan just pulled up to landscape Mar-a-Lago. They’re calling this mission to the border ‘Operation Faithful Patriot’ which sells like a company that sells reverse mortgages and catheters. And fun fact, ‘faithful patriot’ is also what Mike Pence yells out during sex.

MICHAEL CHE: You know who’s getting off way to easy in all of this? It’s Canada. I mean there’s two borders on this country, but they’re only stopping Mexicans. Meanwhile, you know how easy it is to get into this country from white ass Canada? I bet Drake just uses the Tim Hortons Card. Old white people have the strangest fears. I mean of all the things that should actually scare them: salt, stairs, bathtubs, Joel Osteen. Why are you freaking out about Mexicans? I mean if anything you need to send the troops to stop your grandkids from stealing all your pain pills.

COLIN JOST: Trump campaign has launched a new ad with the slogan: “Things are getting better, we can’t go back.” Now, in my experience, a good way to tell that things are not getting better is if someone feels the need to tell you things are getting better. For example, the subway is full of ads about how the subway is improving. And I know because I read these ads when I’m trying to not make eye contact with a guy taking a dump in a clear plastic bag. That said, it’s still better than the Democrats midterm slogan: “Oh man, are we gonna blow this again?”

MICHAEL CHE: The midterms are Tuesday, and this election will probably come down to people who never vote. Like, me. Personally, I’m saving myself for someone special. I just think everybody’s vote should count the same. There’s no way my vote should count as much as Obama’s. If two doctor’s don’t agree on the diagnosis, they don’t just turn to the janitor and say, ‘you wanna break this tie, Carl?’ I am going to vote this time, though, because people tell me this is the most important one. Then again, they said that the last time. I mean it’s like getting a bill that says Final Notice, it’s never the final notice. If it were, you’d be like, cool I guess I just went to college for free then, bitch. I know a lot of white liberals are probably watching this and blaming me for not voting. But it’s not my fault, okay. They’re the ones wasting their vote in places like New York. They’re not ever from here. If you really want to make a difference, go back to Ohio, Megan. Or wherever your parents are paying your rent from, and vote there. That’s what counts. You know how those red states stay so red? By sending all their liberal kids to coastal cities to study improv.

COLIN JOST: Oprah Winfrey also went door-to-door in Georgia to campaign for Democratic candidate Stacey Abrams. Which is great. But can you imagine how disappointed you would be if Oprah showed up at your door and it was just to discuss politics? I mean look at this woman in Georgia opening her door for Oprah. She definitely thinks she’s getting a new car. And not a pamphlet about Stacey Abrams. It’s like if you’re a kid and Santa comes down your chimney on Christmas eve, with no presents, just a pamphlet about Stacey Abrams. Former President Obama was in Florida Thursday preaching a message of hope and unity. Okay, but did he know that he was speaking in Florida? In Florida, Hope is just the name of stripper who took bath salts and bit off her neighbor’s face. And face it, the whole idea of unity went out the window two years ago. I mean, Ben & Jerry’s is releasing a new flavor called, ‘Pecan Resist,’ to honor people who protest the Trump Administration. It’s never a great sign for democracy when ice cream is taking sides.

Weekend Update: 50 Cent and Ja Rule’s Ongoing Feud | Season 44 Episode 4

…..Michael Che

…..Colin Jost

[ Colin Jost and Michael Che are at the news desk. ]

COLIN JOST: Rapper 50 Cent continued his longstanding feud with Ja Rule by buying 200 tickets to his most recent concert so they would all be empty. It’s just great. Ironically, 200 tickets to a Ja Rule concert costs exactly fifty-cents.

MICHAEL CHE: NBC news announced the Megyn Kelly would not be returning to the Today Show after her comments last week about black face. But don’t worry, she’s recovering with a nice relaxing trip to the spa.

COLIN JOST: The Philadelphia City Council approved a resolution honoring Gritty, the new Philadelphia Flyers mascot. After lawmakers passed the measure, Gritty kept his end of the deal, by releasing their children.

MICHAEL CHE: Two male penguins in a same-sex relationship have hatched their first egg. Or, and hear me out, male penguins look exactly like female penguins.

COLIN JOST: A nun in Colombia who had lived in a convent for eight years has left the clergy to become a porn star, destroying the otherwise spotless sexual reputation of the Catholic Church. And a man in New Mexico was shot in the back by his dog after the animal had rested his paw on a rifle in the back seat and it slipped. Okay, but then why had the dog googled: ‘How to shoot gun’?

MICHAEL CHE: The inventor of the MetroCard died this week..while waiting for the ‘L’ train.

Weekend Update: Every Teen Girl Murder Suspect on Law & Order | Season 44 Episode 4

…..Colin Jost

…..Michael Che

Brittainy…..Melissa Villaseñor

[ Colin Jost is sitting at the news desk. ]

COLIN JOST: Well, it’s a tough transition. The Young Adult book genre is more popular than ever. Here with her reviews of today’s hottest YA novels is ‘every teen girl murder suspect on Law & Order.’

[ Brittainy slides over in her chair to be sitting next to Colin Jost at the news desk. ]

COLIN JOST: Uh, hey there Brittainy, how are you?

Brittainy: I don’t have to tell you anything, not until my lawyer gets here.

COLIN JOST: Oh, okay. But didn’t you say you wanted to come out and give us a book report?

Brittainy: I didn’t do it. I swear I didn’t do it. You have to believe me.

COLIN JOST: Okay. It says here you read the book, “The Hate You Give,” and you wanted to talk to us about it.

Brittainy: Oh yeah. That’s right. I remember now. It was good. It, like, says a lot about being a teen. And the pressure. I read it with my friends. At the library. And then we went home. And went right to bed. That’s it okay.

COLIN JOST: That’s all you did?

Brittainy: Okay, fine! We went to a big alcohol party at Carrie’s boyfriend’s house. And we drank beer from a beer keg, okay! That’s all we did, was drink alcohol, and go in a hot tub, and look at Carrie’s boyfriend. That’s it.

COLIN JOST: Okay, well what about the new Marcus Zusak book?

Brittainy: Look, I don’t know any more than you do. I got to homeroom, and they told us, Logan was murdered. And you know what? I was happy. She treated me like ass. And now she’s dead. In the trunk of my car. And I have no idea how she got there.

COLIN JOST: She’s in your car?

Brittainy: Okay, fine! I shoved her in the trunk, but it wasn’t my idea, okay. Carrie said we should just put her in the trunk and drive around a little to teach her a lesson. That’s all we did.

[ Cut to Michael chewing on a toothpick. ]

MICHAEL CHE: Damnit Brittainy. I’m tired of your lies. Tell the damn truth!

Brittainy: Your partner’s crazy!

COLIN JOST: Partner? This was supposed to be about books.

Brittainy: Okay, fine!! They dared me to stab her, but just as a joke. So I stabbed her. But Logan took it the wrong way and started bleeding.

COLIN JOST: Wait. So you did kill your friend?

Brittainy: I feel so bad about it. All the terrible things I done. But I guess the worst crime of all was being a bad friend.

[ Cut to end credits of Law & Order; the screen reads: “ Executive Producer DICK WOLF”. ]

COLIN JOST: Yeah, okay, well, the worst crime was murder. Teen murderer, everyone. Thank you so much.

Brittainy: That’s it. Okay!

Weekend Update: Pete Davidson’s First Impressions of Midterm Election Candidates | Season 44 Episode 4

…..Michael Che

…..Pete Davidson

[ Michael Che and Pete Davidson are sitting at the news desk. ]

MICHAEL CHE: As we said, the midterm elections are next week. Here with his first impressions of some of the candidates is Pete Davidson.

PETE DAVIDSON: What up? Hey Che. Um, so the midterm elections are obviously a huge deal.

MICHAEL CHE: Mmmhmm.

PETE DAVIDSON: after I had to move back with my mom, I started paying attention to them. She’s loving it. And I realized there are some really gross people running for office this year. So, here are my first impressions. Uh, this guy’s fun. Rick Scott from Florida. He looks like someone tried to whittle Bruce Willis out of a penis. Here’s a New York guy, Peter King. I actually don’t know a lot about him, except that he looks like if a cigar came to life. Uh, this guy’s kinda cool, Dan Crenshaw.

MICHAEL CHE: Oh come on, man.

PETE DAVIDSON: No, hold on. You may be surprised to hear he is a Congressional candidate from Texas and not a hitman in a porno movie. I’m sorry, I know he lost his eye in war, or whatever. Whatever. Oh, here’s a Democrat, so I look fair. Gimme that, like, Cuomo guy. There he is, alright. Yeah, Cuomo. He looks like a guy that’s sleeping with your mom, but stays over night and eats breakfast with you in his boxers. And then he asks ya, ‘how the baseballs going’ and you say you don’t play baseball. And he goes, ‘Oh! Queer’.

MICHAEL CHE: That is..that is very specific.

PETE DAVIDSON: Yeah, it’s just the vibe I’m getting.

MICHAEL CHE: No, I see it. I see it.

PETE DAVIDSON: Uh, here’s someone who really gives me the creeps. Indiana congressional candidate, Mike Pence’s brother, Greg Pence. This is a picture of him watching the episode of, ‘This Is Us’, where Jack dies. Just so you know, he’s actually running as a faith-based coserva.. [ Mumbles. ] He’s running as a..running as a..what? You never messed up at work before? ..As a faith-based conservative and not a Ken doll that spent a year in a river. Yeah, still end it.

MICHAEL CHE: Yeah, there you go.

PETE DAVIDSON: It still worked, it worked. And don’t get me wrong, look, I’m not insane. I know I shouldn’t be making fun of how anyone looks. I look like I make vape juice in a bathtub. I look like a Dr. Seuss character went to prison. And the last thing I will say is, I know some of you are curious about the breakup. But the truth is, it’s nobody’s business, and sometimes things just don’t work out. And that’s okay. She’s a wonderful, strong person and I genuinely wish her all the happiness in the world. Now please, go vote on Tuesday. All right?

MICHAEL CHE: Pete Davidson, everybody.

PETE DAVIDSON: I’m still in that song though.

Weekend Update: Eric and Donald Trump Jr. on the Mid-Term Elections | Season 44 Episode 2

Host…..Colin Jost

Eric.….Alex Moffat

Donald Trump Jr…….Mikey Day

[Starting the news with Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Now, with midterm elections a little over a month away, many Republicans are turning to the Trump name to help bolster their campaigns. Here to comment are first sons Eric and Donald Trump Jr.

[Camera slides to Eric and Donald Trump Jr.]

Donald Trump Jr.: Thank you, Colin. It’s good to be back here at SNL, Saturday Night Liberals. Haha… [Eric leans towards Colin laughing] Okay, that’s

Colin Jost: How were your summers, guys?

Donald Trump Jr.: Ooh, busy. For me it was running the Trump Organization, breaking ground on a new Trump Property–

Eric: And I had swim lessons.

Donald Trump Jr.: Yeah. Someone got his ducky badge.

[Cut to Eric showing his ducky badge under his jacket collar]

Yeah, baby. Yeah.

[Cut to Eric and Donald Trump Jr., Eric very proud]

No longer a tadpole bud. But midterms– midterms are next month, and that’s why my father has called for all Trump hands on deck. He asked me to stump for Republicans on the campaign drill.

Eric: And he asked me not to do that.

[Mimicking President Donal Trump] “Stay home, Eric.”

Donald Trump Jr.: Yeah, that’s right bud. You get to stay home and watch all the action on TV. Right? Fist bump, blow it up. Boom.

Eric: Ah! [Scared]

Donald Trump Jr.: Oh. It’s not a real explosion, just made a noise with my mouth. All right buddy? [Eric looks at Donald’s hand in a distrustful manner] It’s not magic in any way. It’s just a fist bud. Look, my father’s confident that supposed blue wave isn’t making landfall anytime soon, which I’m sure makes everyone sad here at SNL, Saturday Night Liberals– I’m sorry I’m teasing. [Cut to Eric, Donald, and Colin] I had to do it again. What do you do? Hey, we’re on fire. Maybe we should take over for Jost and Che buddy. I got some jokes I can tell.

Eric: Me too. What do the gay black jews–

Donald Trump Jr.: No, don’t tell them. No! You can’t tell that joke.

Eric: But dad does.

Donald Trump Jr.: No, he does not. No, he does not.

Eric: Yeah. He does. And he does all the voices.

Donald Trump Jr.: Respectfully. He does a very respectful gay voice.

Colin: [Cut to Colin, Eric, and Donald] I’m sure, yes. Now this week, the New York Times reported that President Trump set up Sham Corporations to disguise millions in gifts from his father to avoid taxes.

Donald Trump Jr.: Look, okay, yes. [Cut to Eric and Donald] Our grandfather gave our father gifts over the years, but it wasn’t to avoid taxes. It was to–

Eric: Evade taxes.

Donald Trump Jr.: No Eric. You want to play with your puppet? Got him a puppet. Here you go bud.

Colin: Oh, that’s great.

Donald Trump Jr.: Play with that. Collin, when the left is backed into a corner– don’t just stare at it. Don’t know how a puppet works? Look! Look, put your hand in here, right? Then you can make the mouth move. Look, [speaking as the puppet] “Hello Eric, I’m King funny face.”

Eric: Damn, he knows my name.

Donald Trump Jr.: [speaking as the puppet] Yes. Everyone knows Eric’s name. He’s such a good boy.

Eric: Where do you live?

Donald Trump Jr.: [speaking as the puppet] Oh, I live in a castle.

Eric: I live in a tower.

Donald Trump Jr.: [speaking as the puppet] Oh.

Eric: King, can I ask you a question?

Donald Trump Jr.: [speaking as the puppet] Um-hmm.

Eric: What did the gay black jew–

Donald Trump Jr.: No, okay. We’re done. Thank you, pal.

Colin: [Cut to Colin, Eric, and Donald] Eric and Donald Trump Jr. everyone. Thank you so much.