Tag: Weekend Update

Weekend Update Vatican App | Season 44 Episode 11

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of ‘praying app’ at the left top corner of the screen.]

Colin Jost: The Vatican has released a new app called Click to pray that will allow Catholics around the world to pray with the Pope Francis, replacing the current app for catholic prayers, [The picture changes to Grinder app] Grinder.

[Cut to Michael che. There’s a picture of University of Oklahoma logo at the right top corner of the screen.]

Michael Che: Two students at the University of Oklahoma have withdrawn from school after a video was posted online featuring them wearing black face and using the racial slur. What these kids need more than anything is more school, right? I mean, if you hurt somebody in jail, they don’t send you home, they give you more jail. Same idea. Every time these kids do something racist, they should have to spend another year in an even blacker school. They might not like black people after that, but they will be respectful.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of valentines heart shaped candies at the left top corner of the screen.]

Colin Jost: A company that creates the traditional valentine’s day sweetheart candies has gone out of business and will not make them this year. But they had to know they weren’t going to survive long in the #metoo era with candy that says ‘let’s get busy’, ‘squeeze me’ and then all caps demand for consent. [The picture changes to a heart shaped candy saying ‘Say Yes’]

A volunteer at a zoo [The picture changes to Orangutan] in Ohio had his thumb ripped off by an orangutan. So who loves bananas and had three thumbs? This guy.

[Cut to Michael che. There’s a picture of Beer Spa at the right top corner of the screen.]

Michael Che: A bar in Iceland opened a beer spa, it includes hot tubs filled with beer. The owners came up with the idea when they thought, there has to be faster way to get a yeast infection.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of UK flag, picture of a woman on skirt and a mobile phone at the left top corner of the screen.]

Colin Jost: Lawmakers in the UK have passed the law banning people from taking upskirt pics of people of people without their knowledge. Great news for [Picture of James McAvoy on his monologue wearing a kilt] tonight’s host.

Weekend Update Cathy Anne on Trump’s Border Wall | Season 44 Episode 11

Cathy Anne… Cecily Strong

Michael che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set]

Michael Che: Well, the government is back up and running. Trump has agreed to a short term deal to end the government shutdown with no wall funding. Here to elaborate, is the love of my life, and the lady who’s always screaming outside of my window, Cathy Anne.

[Cathy Anne joins Michael Che. Cathy looks like she is a drug addict.]

Cathy Anne: It it ain’t the one that got away? You know what Michael Che? You know what blows my mind the most, I can’t believe all of this is over a damn wall. Right? [Cut to Cathy] Trump wants that wall so bad, you’d think that thing was made of crack. Right? He’s like, [Making impression of a drug addict] “Where’s that wall? Give me that wall. It’s not even that good wall.”

[Cut to Michael Che and Cathy Anne]

Michael Che: Well, he says he wants it for border security.

Cathy Anne: This is basically a wall, right? Let me tell you something. [Cathy gets on the news table] He wants $5 billion for this. Hey! All right, now I did that with two ribs missing.

Michael Che: You you two ribs missing?

[Cut to Cathy]

Cathy Anne: Yeah, I had them taken out because of that Marilyn Manson thing. Apparantly, it’s two ribs if you’re a girl. Spoiler alert, it don’t work. You can’t reach. [Cathy starts smoking]

[Cut to Michael Che and Cathy Anne]

Michael Che: Why, Kathy Anne? Why?

Cathy Anne: You know the only thing a wall can stop, Michael Che? A penguin. Right? [Cut to Cathy] They got those little wings and fat bodies and flipper feet, they can’t fly, they can’t dig. They ain’t getting past the wall. You know, they just keep bumping into it like a Roomba.

[Cut to Michael Che and Cathy Anne]

Michael Che: You have a thing against penguins?

Cathy Anne: Yes, I do. Let me tell you something. [Cut to Cathy] This man held people’s pay checks hostage for 35 days for that wall. And then he caved. And he’s pretending like he won. You didn’t win. Just like when I held the bathroom hostage at Arby’s for two days. I didn’t leave because I won. Okay? I left because they threw a smoke bomb through the window and my jeans caught fire. He never got his wall, and I never got to hear Ving Rhames say, “We have your meat, Kathy Anne”.

[Cut to Michael Che and Cathy Anne]

Michael Che: That’s all you wanted?

Cathy Anne: Hey, stay focused. We have to have priorities here. Okay? [Cut to Cathy] Mexico ain’t the main reason for Dopiods. We got them through doctors and pharmaceuticals and stuffed up people’s butts in airports. Now, who’s going to check them butts when the TSA is calling in sick because you ain’t paying them for five weeks. And how about food detectors?

[Cut to Michael Che and Cathy Anne]

Michael Che: You mean, the FDA?

Cathy Anne: Yes. Okay, and may I remind you, this is after everybody in the country got the runs from eating freaking salad, twice. [Cut to Cathy]  I thought I had it, right? But then I remembered, I don’t eat salad. That’s just my organs. And then, to top all that off, you have to mess with our military, by banning people from service just because you decided they ain’t got the right private parts? Well, let me tell you something, nobody’s ever been thrilled with my private parts. That’s never stopped me from fighting. You want to see?

[Cut to Michael Che and Cathy Anne]

Michael Che: Hell, no.

Cathy Anne: That’s all right. The point is, he is an addict when it comes to that wall. And I would know, because – I – [Cut to Cathy] and if his addiction is anything like mine, it’s far from over. He’s going to lie to you, steal from your purse, and end up on the wrong side of a lot of glory holes until he gets his wall. Take it from me, Catherine Annette Vanderbilt.

[Cut to Michael Che and Cathy Anne]

Michael Che: Cathy Anne everybody.

Weekend Update: Soulja Boy on the Government Shutdown | Season 44 Episode 11

Soulja Boy… Chris Redd

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set]

Michael Che: The president and congress reached a deal to end the longest shutdown in history. I don’t really have all the answer. So here to comment is the only person keeping it totally real right now, rapper, pioneer, entrepreneur, Soulja Boy.

[Soulja Boy joins Michael Che]

Soulja Boy: What’s up? What’s happening, check, check.

Michael Che: Soulja, thanks for joining us. So I guess, what are your thoughts on shutdown?

Soulja Boy: I don’t know nothing about that.

Michael Che: Really? Well, the government was shut down for 35 days. Workers weren’t paid.

Soulja Boy: Man, for real? I got to fix this. You know what I’m going to do? I’m going to run for president.

Michael Che: What?

Soulja Boy: Yeah, Soulja Boy, crank that, 2020.

Michael Che: Soulja, you can’t be for real. You think have you what it takes to beat Donald Trump?

Soulja Boy: Trump? Trump? That dude that got bodied by the — the dude that got beef when Nancy Peloski? Trump? Man, Che, get out of here, I hear you.

Michael Che: So you really think you got what it takes?

[Cut to Soulja Boy]

Soulja Boy: Che, I’m telling you bro, without big soldiers, there wouldn’t be no Trump. I’m the first one to hustle my way to the top.

[Cut to Michael Che and Soulja Boy]

Michael Che: What hustle, Soulja?

Soulja Boy: Who else out here hustling the video game market?

Michael Che: Oh, that’s right, you came out with your own console, the Soulja Game. Isn’t that a Nintendo knock off?

[Cut to Soulja Boy]

Soulja Boy: Nintendo? Nintendo? The dude that got bodied by Sonic the Hedgehog? Quit playing with me.

[Cut to Michael Che and Soulja Boy]

Michael Che: Yes, that Nintendo.

Soulja Boy: Bro, you can play games on this! How am I the knock off? They both made in China. It’s the same stuff.

Michael Che: I think you’re is a little different.

Soulja Boy: Che, we got Fork Knife on here. [Fork Knife written like Fortnite logo]

Michael Che: Fork knife? Bro! You mean, Fortnite?

Soulja Boy: No bro, Fork Knife, chill. And if you’re not in a day, you could be a cowboy Red Dread Recession. Or if you want to keep it classic, you could have Mangino and Linguini.

Michael Che: Who’s is Mangino and Linguini?

Soulja Boy: The Super Mangino Brothers. Come on, man.[ Super Mangino brothers written like Super Mario Brothers logo]

Michael Che: So you ripped off Mario?

Soulja Boy: Mario? Mario? Quit playing with me Che.

Michael Che: Soulja, aren’t you worried about copyright infringement?

Soulja Boy: You’re gonna have to break that down for me, Che, Che.

Michael Che: You know they can sue you.

Soulja Boy: Yo, is that like your opinion or is that fact, though?

Michael Che: It’s big fact, Soulja.

[Cut to Soulja Boy]

Soulja Boy: Man, they ain’t got nothing to do with the Super Mangino Brothers. Che, come on man, you got to stop playing with me. I’m going to be first black president and that’s for real.

[Cut to Michael Che and Soulja Boy]

Michael Che: What about Obama?

[Soulja Boy stands and walks around]

Soulja Boy: Obama? That dude been stealing my bars. Dashing your hope. That’s Soulja, that’s me.

Michael Che: Soulja Boy, everybody.

Weekend Update Trump Announces Deal to End Shutdown | Season 44 Episode 11

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[Cut to Colin and Michael in their news set]

Colin Jost: Thank you very much.. Good evening, everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. [Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at the left top corner of the screen] President Trump on Friday announced a deal to temporarily reopen the government for three weeks while negotiations continue over border security. Three weeks. We’re basically treating the government like it’s a trial period [The picture changes to Hulu ad] for a Hulu subscription. It’s pretty clear that Trump has not figured out [The picture changes to Donald Trump and Nancy Pelosi] how to deal with Nancy Pelosi yet. Usually, when a woman is giving him this much trouble, he just gives her $130,000 to shut up. During a speech at the Rose garden ending the shutdown, Trump said this.

[Cut to video clip of Donald Trump’s speech]

Donald Trump: “We do not need 2,000 miles of concrete wall from sea to shiny sea. We never did.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at the left top corner of the screen]

Colin Jost: Shiny sea? Also, remember when you said this?

[Cut to video clip of Donald Trump’s speech]

Donald Trump: “We’re going to build the wall. It’s going to be a big fat beautiful wall.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at the left top corner of the screen]

Colin Jost: Now, that wall sounds awesome. But, tell me more about this new one.

[Cut to video clip of Donald Trump’s speech]

Donald Trump: “The walls we are building are not medieval walls, they are smart walls.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at the left top corner of the screen]

Colin Jost: Walls with brains, got it. Now, someone told me that medieval solutions were actually effective.

[Cut to video clip of Donald Trump’s speech]

Donald Trump: “They say a wall is medieval. Well so is a wheel. A wheel is older than a wall.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at the left top corner of the screen]

Colin Jost: But, it’s president. But just to clarify, we are still calling it a wall, right?

[Cut to video clip of Donald Trump’s speech]

Donald Trump: “Barriers, fences or wall. Or whatever you want to call it.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at the left top corner of the screen]

Colin Jost: Honestly, at this point I’d like to call it quits.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at the right top corner of the screen]

Michael Che: On Friday, president Trump temporarily reopened the government. And I know liberals are tweeting out, “Trump caved”. But y’all got to calm down. Stop gloating. You didn’t win yet. The man is still one tweet away from calling a national state of emergency and bringing back slavery. Act like he’s still crazy. You got to treat him like you’re training a dog. With constant positive reinforcement. Maybe every time he does something you like, tweet out, [The picture changes to a tweet of Donald Trump] “Who’s a good boy?”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of LaGuardia airport at the left top corner of the screen]

Colin Jost: One of the factors that led to Trump making a deal was the ground delays that were building up at LaGuardia airport. You know you’re failing as a president when you somehow made LaGuardia worse. The ground delays occurred because the shutdown was causing one airline industry unions called, ‘A level of risk we cannot even calculate’. Which also happens to be the slogan for Spirit airlines. [The picture changes to Spirit airlines slogan]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Roger Stone at the right top corner of the screen]

Michael Che: Roger Stone was arrested at 6AM Friday morning by a team of officers with heavy weapons. Finally. This is all I’ve been waiting for, old white dudes getting dragged out their crib like dope dealers. Was it excessive? Yes. And I wish it was worse. I wish he was just wearing boxers and a durag. I wish there was a baby crying in a tazed his girl, give him the worse.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Roger Stone at the left top corner of the screen]

Colin Jost: That’s right. Long time Trump adviser and business babadook Roger Stone has been charged by the special counsel’s office on seven counts including obstruction, making false statements, witness tampering and I assume the attempted murder of batman. Stone, pictured here as an old woman, being told there’s no more room at bingo, left the courtroom to face a crowd that was booing and chanting, “lock him up”. First of all, it’s always fun to watch a press conference on mute where the captions on and they say, “Crowd booing”. Second, you know how many people have to hate you for them to show up just to boo you in the middle of a work day? They found out you got arrested that morning and they immediately called their office to say, “Yeah, I’m going to be late. I got to head down to the courthouse and yell at steampunk Lincoln”.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Roger Stone at the right top corner of the screen]

Michael Che: The White House said that the charges against Roger Stone have nothing to do with president Trump. I mean, of course the White House said that because the White is the president. I mean, if I get accused of something, I can’t be like, “Man, I’m innocent, just ask my apartment”. It is kind of strange that everybody Trump’s worked with has been indicted or locked up, except for him. Which tells me he’s either a rat or a jinx. [The picture changes to Roger Stone] By the way, I googled this guy, Roger Stone, because he looks like he pays black guys to bang his wife. And I found out in 1996, he was forced to resigned  from Bob Dole’s campaign for asking black guys to bang his wife. I’m not kidding, look it up, it’s fantastic. I know as a black man, I don’t know whether to feel offended or a little appreciated.

Weekend Update: Attorney Drops Harvey Weinstein | Season 44 Episode 10

Michael Che

Colin Jost

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Harvey Weinstein at the right top corner of the screen]

Michael Che: It was reported that one of Harvey Weinstein’s lead attorneys is withdrawing from the case after he finally googled Harvey Weinstein.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of red moon at the left top corner of the screen]

Colin Jost: Sunday night will bring super blood wolf moon, which is rare lunar eclipse and not as I assumed, the name of the band [The picture changes to a band] that just performed on our show. [The picture changes to the Instagram famous egg] A picture of an egg has set a new record on Instagram as the most liked photo in history. Meanwhile, over on twitter, a picture of an egg just called me [Picture changes to a tweet that says ‘Colin Jost’s a jag-ass queef weasel] a jag-ass queef weasel.

[Cut to Michael. There’s a picture of written Gillette at the right top corner of the screen]

Michael Che: Gillette has released a new ad that addresses the issues of toxic masculinity which is great. I mean, [Picture changes to Colin Jost] Colin disagrees, but I love [Picture changes to a picture of written Gillette] when a company takes a firm social stance that literally nobody asked for. Like I remember one time [Picture changes to a tweet of flesh light] flesh light tweeted never forget on 9/11. And I was like, “Never forgot? When am I supposed to use this flesh light?”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of TV show ‘Made in Staten Island at the left top corner of the screen]

Colin Jost: Italian American groups are accusing MTV show Made in Staten Island of promoting negative stereotypes. These claims were denied by the show’s executive producer, [Picture changes to a chicken parmesan wearing a vest] a Chicken Parm in a wife beater. Yesterday was [Picture changes to Winnie the Pooh] Winnie the Pooh day. That’s a tough transition. Yesterday was Winnie the Pooh day. This according to a man on the subway explaining why he was wearing a red shirt and no pants. [Picture changes to a watch] A woman was arrested in Florida after she stole four watches and hid them inside her vagina. Officials became suspicious when the woman took a licking and kept on ticking.

[Cut to Michael. There’s a picture of lorry at the right top corner of the screen]

Michael Che: You thought we wouldn’t have a woman’s joke. A highway in Arizona was shut down after a tractor-trailer rolled over spilling 40,000 gallons of liquid chocolate on the road. For reference, [Picture changes to Shaquille O’Neal] here’s what 40,000 gallons of liquid chocolate looks like.

Weekend Update: Government Shutdown | Season 44 Episode 10

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s weekend update with Colin Jost and Michael Che. [Cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin and Michael in their news set]

Colin Jost: Thank you, thank you very much. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to “Weekend Update”. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of newspaper that says ‘Government Shutdown enters 29th day’ in the left top corner of the screen]

Well guys, we were off for a month. But conveniently so was the government. President Trump, [The picture changes to Donald Trump] the man who said he would own the shut down clearly doesn’t care about the people who are working unpaid, who can’t afford basic things like food. Why would he care? He’s a billionaire who controls all the hamburgers in the world. [The picture changes to Donald Trump in a room full of hamburgers] Then after, McDonalds was done hosting his burger orgy, he went on television today and [Picture changes to Donald Trump giving speech] made a new proposal to end the shutdown and that proposal was basically, you give me $5.7 billion and I will give you back the dreamers. Am I the only who thinks it sounds like a hostage negotiation? I can’t wait to see his written proposal. [The picture changes to a paper that says ‘Give me a wall or bye bye dreamers’] And by the way, [Picture changes to Donald Trump giving speech]  These protections he’s offering are not even real laws. They are vague promises he’s making. I trust a promise from Donald Trump that as much as R Kelly in [Picture changes to Clair’s boutique door] Clair’s boutique.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump giving speech at the right top corner of the screen]

Michael Che: Yeah, I agree. That speech sucked. First of all, he didn’t even say hi. He just started talking like we were already talking. I found that to be rude. Then he said he’s going to stop half the crime and 90% of the heroine with something called ‘slats’. [Picture changes to a wall Donald Trump promised to build] Which as you can see, is a wall without all the wall. Hear that, Mexico. Good luck trying to crack this code. What are you going to do, pass your drugs and small children through those giant slats? Pshh. Imagine you’re a coast guard or TSA or any of the thousands of government workers that are actually stopping drugs and crime from getting to this country and you haven’t been paid in a month, and the president gets on TV, doesn’t say sorry or doesn’t even say hi, but instead he’s like, “Hey, what y’all think about ‘slats’?”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Robert Mueller an a BuzzFeed logo at the left top corner of the screen]

Colin Jost:  The other big news is BuzzFeed published a story that said Robert Mueller had evidence of Trump committing an impeachable crime. The details were so sketchy even Mueller’s team had to be like, “Sorry, fake news.” How disappointing was that. You know how many suburban moms had to retract their group text to their family reading [The picture changes to a phone with a text message saying ‘We got him’] “We got him!”? The crazy part is that the [Picture changes to White House] White House is now celebrating that Mueller disputed only this one aspect of the investigation while there are like 100 other crimes still on the table. If you got tested for every STD and your doctor said the good news is you don’t have chlamydia, you wouldn’t say that’s all I need to hear doc. No condoms for this guy.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Robert Mueller an a BuzzFeed logo at the right top corner of the screen]

Michael Che: That’s going to be a meme. BuzzFeed, I think it’s great.  We all think it’s great that you want to help, but this is not really what we need from you. Y’all at BuzzFeed, you do memes and lists. Everybody’s got that aunt who has roaches and every thanksgiving she like, “Hey all, what should I bring?” and we are like, “Um, ice?” You bring the ice because we don’t want to be picking the raisins out of the turkey. That’s you, Buzz feed. You bring the ice. As Dr. King once said, don’t go chasing water falls. Please stick to the rivers and the lakes you are used to. There’s no shame in that. We all play a role. Look, sometimes kids come up to me and say, “Michael Che, I get all my news from you.” I say, “Don’t do that. I bring the Ice.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Anthony Scarmucci and a Celebrity Big Brother logo at the left top corner of the screen]

Colin Jost: It was Anthony Scaramucci who served as White House Communications Director for less than two weeks is joining the cast of Celebrity Big Brother while Sean Spicer is100%  the poodle on the mass singer. [Picture changes to Alexandria Oscsio-Cortez] It was also revealed that freshman representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez will be giving lessons to her fellow democrat on how to use twitter more effective, followed immediately by Chuck Schumer [Picture changes to people in a zumba class] teaching zumba.

Weekend Update: Sen. Elizabeth Warren on Running for President | Season 44 Episode 10

Colin Jost

Elizabeth Warren… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set]

Colin Jost: More democratic hopefuls jumped into the 2020 race this week. Here to comment on her campaign is the first major democrat to throw her hat in the ring, Senator Elizabeth Warren.

[Elizabeth Warren comes in]

Elizabeth Warren: Hello Colin. How are you? [Cut to Elizabeth and Colin] Good to see you.

Colin Jost: Good to see you. Hello, senator. Thank you so much for being here. Are you excited about your campaign?

Elizabeth Warren: Well, you bet, Colin. [Cut to Elizabeth Warren] I haven’t been this excited since I found out my package from LL Bean had shipped. I’m ready to fight. [Cut to Elizabeth and Colin] Are you in this fight Colin? Because I want you in this fight. We got to fight.

Colin Jost: You say that word, fight, a lot.

Elizabeth Warren: Well, that’s the only ‘F’ word I know Colin, because I’m a fighter. [Cut to Elizabeth Warren] I’m fighting for the middle class. I’m fighting for medicare for all. I’m like if Monday Night Raw was hosted by NPR’s Terry Gross.

[Cut to Elizabeth and Colin]

Colin Jost: That’s right. And your supporters really like that about you. Right?

Elizabeth Warren: You are damn right. I have been fighting my whole life. [Cut to Elizabeth Warren] I grew up in Oklahoma in between railroad tracks and a sand tornado. Widdling my own toys. My only friends were an empty can and a bull weave. While Trump was playing with a silver spoon, I was playing on the train tracks with one of these things. [Elizabeth Warren acts if she is using a wagon on the train track]

[Cut to Elizabeth and Colin]

Colin Jost: Well, politico as you saw was accused of sexism for an article saying that you are not like-able. What do you think about that?

Elizabeth Warren: Well, [Cut to Elizabeth Warren] look, yeah, I’m sorry I’m not young and pretty like Donald jackass Trump. Was the article sexist of course it was. Am I likeable? Probably not. But neither is a prostate exam, but you need one or you’ll die. This country Colin, is long overdue for a finger up it’s caboose. You might even like it. So bend over, America and let mama Warren get to work. [Elizabeth is point her finger and moving it]

[Cut to Elizabeth and Colin]

Colin Jost: You make a great point. What do you think the other potential candidates will be?

Elizabeth Warren: Look, I’m not worried. [Cut to Elizabeth Warren] Biden and Bernie will be in their late 70’s while I am a spray and naughty 69. Beto O’Rourke, there is a reason he’s got a nice face and good skin. He ain’t done anything. Baby don’t know. Baby don’t know.

[Cut to Elizabeth and Colin]

Colin Jost: Okay. And what do you think about Kirstin Gillibrand.

Elizabeth Warren: Oh, don’t you mean Kirstin stole my brand? Yeah, [Cut to Elizabeth Warren] medicare for all. What a novel concept. I have been saying that since 1963. When I was running the Wells Fargo wagon out of my town.

[Cut to Elizabeth and Colin]

Colin Jost: That’s right. What about releasing the results of your DNA test. Do you think that will come back to haunt you?

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren]

Elizabeth Warren: Well, you know what? I did the DNA test and the test came back 100% bad idea. Who knew race science was not a good PR strategy. Lost that fight.

[Cut to Elizabeth and Colin]

Colin Jost: That’s right.

Elizabeth Warren: Lost it.

Colin Jost: But you still think you can win?

Elizabeth Warren: I know the battle I’m facing. Look, [Cut to Elizabeth Warren] America, you will do everything you possibly can to not vote for a woman for president. All I am asking is that you let me be that woman.

[Cut to Elizabeth and Colin]

Colin Jost: Elizabeth Warren everyone.

Weekend Update Pete Davidson & John Mulaney Review Clint Eastwood’s The Mule | Season 44 Episode 10

Colin Jost

Michael Che

Pete Davidson

John Mulaney

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set]

Colin Jost: We are so happy to have this next guy back. Here to talk about a very important experience he had over the holidays is Pete Davidson. Hi, Pete. How are you Pete?

[Pete Davidson comes in]

Pete Davidson: I’m great. As you know, I had a really crazy month and [Cut to Pete Davidson] I want to talk about something that matters a lot to me.

[Cut to Colin and Pete]

Colin Jost: Mental health?

Pete Davidson: No. The new Clint Eastwood movie, The Mule.

[Cut to Pete Davidson]

Colin Jost: You want to talk about The Mule?

Pete Davidson: Colin, yo! It’s unbelievable. Have you guys not seen it?

[Cut to Pete, Colin and Michael]

Colin Jost: No.

Michael Che: No.

Pete Davidson: Morons. Listen, so I’m glad[Cut to Pete Davidson]  I brought someone who saw The Mule with me. It means a lot to us. Comedian and Mule appreciator, John Mulaney.

[John Mulaney comes in]

John Mulaney: Michael. Colin. Hi. So, you guys are talking about The Mule?

[Cut to John, Pete and Colin]

Colin Jost: Um, no, basically never, no. I didn’t actually realize you guys hung out together.

John Mulaney: No, we do, but a lot of times [Cut to John and Pete] it looks like I’m Pete’s lawyer.

Pete Davidson: People usually think he’s like an NBA coach and I’m the controversial rookie.

John Mulaney: But, I have been spending time with Pete to try to show him you can have a life in comedy that is not insane. A sober domestic life.

Pete Davidson: Yeah. And after observing John’s life, I publicly threatened suicide. [Pete laughs] I’m sorry. I shouldn’t make that joke. It is funny though.

John Mulaney: Look me in the eye. You are loved by many.

Pete Davidson: Thank you, John. [Pete laughs]

John Mulaney: We are glad you are okay.

Pete Davidson: Okay.

John Mulaney: Now, back to The Mule.

Pete Davidson: Seriously, yeah.

John Mulaney: We went to see The Mule on opening day.

Pete Davidson: We didn’t go in with any expectations.

John Mulaney: This movie was, I dare say, the greatest–

Pete Davidson: Weirdest.

John Mulaney: Most bananas movie ever made.

Pete Davidson: About a 90 year old drug mule.

John Mulaney: You remember when Clint Eastwood berated an empty chair at the republican national convention?

Pete Davidson: It’s like if that was a movie.

John Mulaney: So, in The Mule–

Pete Davidson: The Mule–

John Mulaney: The Mule, Clint stars as a wildly popular botanist.

Pete Davidson: Flower man.

John Mulaney: Who after falling on hard times is hired as a drug mule.

Pete Davidson: At age 90–

John Mulaney: — 90, by a Mexican drug cartel–

Pete Davidson: –run by Andy Garcia.

John Mulaney: He was rude to me at a Lakers game once.

Pete Davidson: I remember that. When we say he is a mule, he drives drugs across state lines. I was hoping I would see him shove drugs up his ass which is what real drug users did.

John Mulaney: And what Pete did on the way to Denver.

Pete Davidson: Yes, because I forgot it was legal.

John Mulaney: I was proud of you for using a condom for once.

Pete Davidson: Yes. Anyway, plowing through, as they say. Clint Eastwood drives hundreds of kilos of drugs across the United States.

John Mulaney: That’s not the weird part.

Pete Davidson: The weird part is that he is 90 and he is driving.

John Mulaney: He is 90. When my grandma turned 90, we bribed the DMV to flunk her on her driving test and they did it.

Pete Davidson: [Pete freaking out] Why aren’t you guys freaking out? He’s old. There’s a scene where he’s driving with no hands and unwrapping an ice-cream sandwich and singing jazz and stuff. It’s insane.

John Mulaney: That’s when we realized that this was a super hero movie for old people about a guy whose super power is that he can drive unsupervised.

Pete Davidson: Yeah. And he’s so good that the head of a drug cartel played And Garcia–

John Mulaney: who was rude at a Laker game once.

Pete Davidson: Yes. I remember that. It’s true. He throws the mule a party for being their best driver ever.

John Mulaney: Fulfilling another elderly grandpa fantasy that a 90 year old white man can do any job better than a Mexican even when the job is Mexican drug trafficking.

Pete Davidson: Oh. We also forgot to mention. 90 year old Clint Eastwood has two threesomes in this movie.

John Mulaney: And he directed it.

Pete Davidson: Two! Two! I don’t think you guys understand. I had one. I guess you probably have none. Right?

John Mulaney: You are correct, sir. But according to The Mule, I have a solid 54 years before that window closes. [Pete Davidson cannot handle his laughter. He leans back and laugh] So look out in 2072 for my wish fulfillment movie, The Mule-Aney. [Cut to cover picture of the movie The Mule-Aney, with John Mulaney’s face] [Cut to John and Pete. Pete is still laughing leaning back] In that movie, I am 90 and I have three ways and Andy Garcia will move his legs so I can get to my seat.

[Cut to John, Pete and Colin]

Colin Jost:  Pete and John Mulaney everyone.

Weekend Update Angel Reacts to Good Holiday News | Season 44 Episode 9

Michael Che

Angel… Heidi Gardner

Tommy… Matt Damon

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set]

Michael Che: With the holidays coming up, everyone can use a little cheer. Here with “Weekend Update’s” good news report is every boxer’s girlfriend from every movie about boxing ever, please welcome Angel.

[Angel comes in]

Angel: Hi Michael.

[Cut to Michael and Angel]

Michael Che: Hi Angel, how are you?

Angel: You know,I’m hanging in there.

Michael Che: You have any big holidays plan?

[Cut to Angel]

Angel: Yeah, well, you know, Tommy’s got a big fight coming up on Christmas so I guess the only thing he will be getting from Santa is a concussion.

[Cut to Michael and Angel]

Michael Che: He’s boxing on Christmas?

Angel: Not as far as I’m concerned. [Cut to Angel] I mean Tommy can get his sleigh bell rung all he wants but if he goes to that fight, I’m taking the kids to my sister’s.

[Cut to Michael and Angel]

Michael Che: Okay, Angel.

Angel: You hear me, Michael, the kids, I’m taking them to my sister’s.

Michael Che: All right, well here’s some good holiday news. How about that? Tyler Perry made headlines this week when he paid off over $400,000 in Walmart layaways.

Angel: [Disappointed] Oh–

Michael Che: What? What’s wrong with that?

[Cut to Angel]

Angel: I mean, what are you doing, Tyler Perry? You think you’re some hero, paying for people’s Christmas presents? Well, my kids already got their Gronk jerseys. What they need is their father. So unless you’re gonna be there on Christmas morning to say hello, then my biggest family reunion will be missing a few people, because I’m taking the kids to my sister’s.

[Cut to Michael and Angel]

Michael Che: Okay. All right.

Angel: All right? That’s where we will be on Christmas, Michael. At 343 Donnie Wahlberg Way.

Michael Che: Let’s just change the subject. You’ll like this. ‘Creed II’ has made over $100 million at the box office. Did you get to see it?

Angel: [Disappointed] Aww—

Michael Che: What did I say now?

[Cut to Angel]

Angel: Oh, if you think for a second I’m taking my kids to see Creed’s kids fight Drago’s kids and not my sister’s kids and my sister, then you lost your damn mind, because I’m taking the kids to my sister’s!

[Cut to Michael and Angel]

Michael Che: Come on, Angel, everybody loves another ‘Rocky’ movie.

Angel: Oh, yeah, [Cut to Angel] how many more sequels? Which one is enough? Michael B. Jordan? Nah, Michael be needing his Catheter changed three times a week. All right?

[Cut to Michael and Angel]

Michael Che: Angel, it’s just a movie.

Angel: Oh, Michael, you think it’s a movie—until it’s your life.

Tommy: Angel! [Tommy comes in] Angel!

Angel: Oh, my god! Tommy, [Cut to Angel and Tommy] what are you doing here?

Tommy: I can ask you the same thing. You said you were taking the kids to your sister’s.

Angel: Yeah, yeah, well, I did. And then I came here, to my job. I’m doing the news now for Michael Che. [Cut to Michael Che, Angel and Tommy. Michael is confused.] And it turns out I’m pretty good at it.

Tommy: What? [Cut to Angel and Tommy] Now you’ve been on ‘Update’, you think you’re better than me?

Angel: Yeah, Tommy, I do.

Tommy: Look, I may have been born in the back of the cheers bar, but everyone knows my name, Tommy Ray Donovan, fighter and father to Mikey, Mickey, Peppens, Keno and the baby.

Angel: What do you mean?

Tommy: You’re pregnant, Angel.

Angel: Oh, my god!

[Cut to Michael Che, Angel and Tommy]

Michael Che: How does he know before you?

[Cut to Angel and Tommy]

Tommy: I love you so frigging much.

Angel: I love you so frigging much, Tommy! Now you go out there and punch that man until you kill him! All right?

Tommy: I will.

Angel: All right, it’s Christmas!

Tommy: That’s right.

[Cut to Michael Che, Angel and Tommy]

Michael Che: Angel and Tommy, everybody!

Tommy: We’re naming the kid Gronk!

Angel: Even if it’s a girl.

Weekend Update Colin Jost and Michael Che Swap Jokes | Season 44 Episode 9

Michael Che

Colin Jost

[Starts with Michael Che in his new set. There’s a picture of cookie dough at the right top corner of the screen]

Michael Che: The CDC is warning people not to eat raw cookie dough, because it may contain germs that can cause severe diarrhea. But on the bright side, you can eat cookie dough without gaining weight. In and out.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture logo of Boy Scouts of America at the left top corner of the screen]

Colin Jost: It was reported that the boy scouts of America are considering filing for bankruptcy in the face of declining membership. Yeah, apparently there’s some problem with their business model of hoping parents will pay adult strangers to take their children deep into the woods. [The picture changes to ‘the Sex Island’] The occasion of Sex Island, that’s a terrible transition. Didn’t know that would be back to back. That’s a weird batch to get. The location of sex island, which is a four-day drug fueled event featuring prostitutes at an exclusive resort has been revealed to be an island off the coast of Trinidad and Tobago, this according to the plane ticket I saw in [Picture of Michael Che dressed for party with a luggage and ticket in his hand] Che’s hands.

[Cut to Michael Che]

Michael Che: See you there!

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of snakes at the left top corner of the screen]

Colin Jost: Firefighters in Texas saved more than 100 snakes including pythons and boa constrictors from a burning home, said the homeowner, “Cool, so where is my wife?” [The picture changes to a logo picture of Avenue Q] It was announced the Broadway musical “Avenue Q” about raunchy puppets will close in the spring after 15 years. But if you still want to see raunchy puppets, just head to Times Square and [Picture changes to Elmo] watch Elmo kick a pigeon.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of frogs at the right top corner of the screen]

Michael Che: A new study finds that frogs in the rain forests have a higher pitch called an urban frogs. Study also finds that female frogs be shopping. [Cut to Colin jost and Michael Che. Colin is laughing] I’ll stand by that joke.

Colin Jost: Since Christmas is coming up, Che and I have decided that our gifts to each other this year would be jokes.

Michael Che: Yes, so we’re making each other read jokes live on air that the other person has never seen before.

[Cheers]

Colin Jost: You want me to go first?

Michael Che: Yes, I do.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Christian cross at the left top corner of the screen]

Colin Jost: Okay. A church in Massachusetts created a nativity scene that comments on the immigration debate by placing the baby Jesus in a cage. Where he belongs.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of mobile phoneat the right top corner of the screen]

Michael Che: A new study shows that the average American touches their mobile device more than 2,000 times a day. “Only 2,000 times”, said my Penis.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Mohammadu Buhari at the left top corner of the screen][Colin Jost can’t stop laughing looking at Michael Che]

Colin Jost: Oh god. Nigeria’s president Mohammadu Buhari for the first time denied months older where he had died and been replaced by a lookalike from Sudan. See, Arficans can’t tell black people— [Colin Jost can’t complete his joke laughing]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of hurricane from bird eye view at the right top corner of the screen][Michael Che is acting as if he can’t believe what Colin just said]

Michael Che: A new report shows that hurricane Florence was the wettest hurricane in history, the previous record for wetness was set on the opening night of [Picture changes to Magic Mike cover picture] “Magic Mike”.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Rosa Parks at the left top corner of the screen][Colin can’t stop laughing]

Colin Jost: This is on cards. I want to switch it up a little. Che didn’t write this one. This is all me. Last week was National Rosa Parks day or as we call it in my house upady-bus-passenger day.

[Cut to Colin and Michael. They both can’t stop laughing.]

Michael Che: Merry Christmas everybody. Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.