Tag: Weekend Update

Weekend Update: R. Kelly’s Financial Problems | Season 44 Episode 14

Michael Che

Colin Jost

[Starts with Michael Che in his set. There’s a picture of R. Kelly at right top corner of the screen]

Michael Che: R. Kelly. R. Kelly has faced a string of financial problems including unpaid child support. Although for R. Kelly, unpaid child support is also alimony. But do you get it?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Bryce Harper at left top corner of the screen]

Colin Jost: That’s good. Bryce Harper signed a 13 year $330 million contract with the Philadelphia Phillies, finally answering the question, how much would someone have to pay you to live in Philadelphia? He didn’t think he was going there. [Picture changes to Target logo] In effort to compete with Victoria’s Secret, Target has launched a new bra and underwear brand for women. It’s the lingerie that’ll have your man saying, “Not tonight”.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of prison at right top corner of the screen]

Michael Che: A man who was sentenced to life for murder at age 17 has been released from prison at the age of 74. The man says he can’t wait to see his friends and family, but what he misses the most is murdering. [Picture changes to picture map of Alabama] Two people in Alabama were arrested after getting into a fight at a restaurant over crab legs at a buffet which coincidentally is also the image on [Picture changes to state flog of Alabama] the Alabama state flag.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of New York picture map at left top corner of the screen]

Colin Jost: Police in New York arrested a man who faked his own abduction and robbery to avoid paying 50 grand what he owed in a Super Bowl pool. Worse, the man had just lost his job on [Picture changes to Jussie Smollett] Empire. That’s Weekend Update, Good night!

Weekend Update: Smokery Farms | Season 44 Episode 14

Colin Jost

Vaneta Starkie… Kate McKinnon

Wylene Starkie… Aidy Bryant

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: A pig named Picasso– a pig named Picasso who was saved from a slaughter house because it’s ability to paint, has sold it’s paintings for thousands of dollars. Here to comment are the owners of Smokery Farm’s Meat Gift Delivery Service, Va Netta and Wylene Starkie.

[Va Netta and Wylene Starkie come in]

Va Netta: Hi, how are you doing. Hi.

Wylene Starkie: We’re cousins.

[Cut to Colin, Va Netta and Wylene Starkie]

Colin Jost: Thanks for being here guys.

Wylene Starkie: Well, look Colin. All these amazing animal stories might be heartwarming for y’all, but they’re not great for meat farmers.

[Cut to Va Netta and Wylene Starkie]

Va Netta: That’s right. People going vegan left and right because of damn internet keep showing people videos with titles like, “Pig teaches deaf dog to bark”.

Wylene Starkie: Yeah, or “Chicken reminds man what he loves about his wife”.

Va Netta: You see, every time a cow salutes a veteran, our stocks take a hit.

Wylene Starkie: Yeah, yeah, but you do not need to feel guilty with us, because going forward, Smokery Farms will only serve meat from animals that are individually stupid and bad.

Va Netta: That’s right. All our crowd favorite meat gifts are now made from the dumbest, worst, most nothing personalities farm junks.

[Cut to Colin, Va Netta and Wylene Starkie]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. I don’t think I understand.

Wylene Starkie: Okay, well, we can show you then. [Va Netta brings a basket of variety of meat] [Cut to Va Netta and Wylene Starkie]

Here we go. Oh, wow! Look at all that. Look at that gorgeous stink basket. I will tell you, a lot of meat. And the scent is strong. Now, our veal cutlet, now this is made from a little dud who couldn’t do tricks and he refused his Halloween costume, okay? You are going to feel no guilt when you soak him in milk and feed him to your children.

Va Netta: That’s right. Now, a recent study of 100 chickens, all but one could identify himself in the mirror. We done got that one. His name was Sun Dan and now he’s a nugget. Bon Appetite.

Wylene Starkie: That’s right. [Wylene Starkie smells the meat] Yum, I’m getting hungry. Now, you are going to love our six-ounce filet mignon. Now, that’s from a cow who hit a kid in the weiner for no reason. No reason at all.

Va Netta: Oh, why don’t you try our lamb chops. These are from lambs who would not stop body shaming the goats. These are bad criminals y’all, but they taste incredible.

Wylene Starkie: Oh, yum. Yum! Now, I have got to say that this roast duck was a smart duck who could spell, but the only word it spelled was the R word. When corrected it doubled down hard.

Va Netta: Or why don’t you try our very good apple wood smoked bacon. Here from a little piggy who went to market and held it’s owner at a gunpoint.

[Cut to Colin, Va Netta and Wylene Starkie]

Colin Jost: That doesn’t sound like something an animal would do.

Va Netta: You like meat, Colin?

Wylene Starkie: Colin, you are a big meat boy, Colin?

[Va Netta and Wylene Starkie moves the basket of met near Colin]

Colin Jost: Not close, no. I would not say I’m a big meat boy, but I eat meat. Like meat.

[Cut to Va Netta and Wylene Starkie]

Va Netta: I think we got a big meat boy in the house. Then your mouth must be watering for dumb, mean, bad and worthless animals.

[Cut to Colin, Va Netta and Wylene Starkie]

Colin Jost: It kind of is now, yeah.

Wylene Starkie: We got them fur, baby Colin, okay? At Smokery Farms. They’re the bad boys who taste so dang good.

Colin Jost: Va Netta and Wylene Starkie, everyone.

Weekend Update: Michael Cohen’s Congressional Testimony | Season 44 Episode 14

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Narrator: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set]

Colin Jost: Thank you, good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. [Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a rat stuck in a hole at the left top corner of the screen] Okay, this is weird, but did you guys see this picture online of a chubby sewer rat that got stuck in a manhole? It’s this creature that usually seems gross, but under these circumstances, it’s kind of adorable and you almost feel sorry for it. Well, that’s how I felt about watching [Picture changes to Michael Cohen] Michael Cohen testify before congress. Cohen who looks like he shaves in the car, accused the sitting president of fraud, tax evasion, racism and republicans fired back like, “Yes, that’s our guy”. The testimony had so many fun weird details that no one even followed up about. Like how Cohen said that [Picture changes to Donald Trump and Buffalo Bills logo] Trump inflated his net worth by $4 billion in an effort to buy Buffalo Bills. You lied to buy the Bills? It’s like using a fake ID to get into a [The picture changes to Nickleback band] Nickleback concert. [Picture changes to Michael Cohen at left and Donald Trump at right] Cohen also provide congress of copies of letters threatening Trump’s high schools and colleges not to release his SAT scores. And well, Cohen did not reveal what those scores were. Let’s just say Trump lives a little closer to 920 Pennsylvania Avenue than to 1600.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Michael Cohen and Donald Trump at the right top corner of the screen]

Michael Che: Michael Cohen told congress about all the dirty little nasty freaky things that Donald Trump made him do. I don’t know why I just made that sexual. But I am tired of Michael Cohen’s damns in distress routine, “Oh, Mr. Trump took advantage of me. I guess I’m a fool.” You stole United State’s presidency. Why are you acting like a bitch now? His voice was not trembling when he was threatening school teachers and shaking down porn stars. I want to hear that guy talk to congress. At least Donald Trump has the decency to slowly fall apart until he was dragged off in handcuffs like a boss. I mean, that’s how I want to leave SNL.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Kim Jong-Un at the left corner of the screen]

Colin Jost: Wile Cohen was testifying, President Trump met with North Korean Dictator and let’s face it, one of his top five closest friends, Kim Jong-Un. Talks broke down when the two leaders could not agree on sanctions. Another problem was Kim Jong-Un used an interpreter while Trump just spoke English, but louder.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Kim Jong-Un at the right corner of the screen]

Michael Che: Some people are saying this summit was a big waste of time. Maybe it was, but I learned Kim Jong-Un has a sister. [Zoom in the picture where a young girl is watching Kim Jong-Un from behind] You see her? I don’t know what she does but she is always hiding [Different pictures appear, all with the girl behind Kim Jong-Un] somewhere behind him and it’s adorable as hell. Like a little Korean Where’s Waldo.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump’s speech at the left corner of the screen]

Colin Jost: And then just earlier today, Trump spoke at the C-PAC conference for, I’m not exaggerating, two hours and 20 minutes straight. And it started with Trump coming out and hugging the American flag like Lenny from ‘Of Mice and Men’.

[Cut to video clip of Donald Trump hugging the American flag]

[Cut to Colin Jost]

What the hell was that? And then after that, patriotic me too moment, it somehow got crazier from there, here’s just a taste.

[Cut to Donald Trump speech]

Donald Trump: Our country is in big trouble, folks, because we have to get it back. Darling is the wind blowing today? I’d like to watch television, darling. The Attorney General says, “I’m going to rescue myself.” And I’m in the White House and I was lonely. I said, “Let’s go to Iraq”. So I met generals I don’t know. General one, general two, general three. I said, “What’s your name?” “Sir, my name is Raisin”. What the hell kind of a name—I said, “Raisin like the fruit?” $7 trillion and we have to fly in with no lights. Please get us e-mails! Please! I’m going to regret this speech.

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Yeah. Well, at least he’s self-aware. Anyway, if you were curious, Trump’s really handling the Cohen testimony really well.

Weekend Update: Supercentenarian Mort Fellner | Season 44 Episode 13

Mort Fellner… Mikey Day

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set]

Colin Jost: A recent report found the United States has the highest number of super centenarians, people 110 years or older. Here with the latest goings on on the super centenarian community is super centenarian, Mort Fellner.

[Mort Fellner joins with papers in his hands]

Mort Fellner: I have papers. I’m a news man like you.

Colin Jost: That’s great, Mort.

Mort Fellner: What?

Colin Jost: That’s great.

Mort Fellner: I thought I’d share some super things that America’s over 700 super centenarians are up to.

Colin Jost: That sounds great.

[Cut to Mort Fellner]

Mort Fellner: Okay. 118 year old Edith Farmer has been in the news this week.

[Cut to Mort Fellner and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Okay. What did she do?

Mort Fellner: She passed away Tuesday of natural causes.

Colin Jost: Oh, no. That’s not where I thought that was going.

Mort Fellner: Hey, Colin. How old is too old to skydive?

Colin Jost: You know what? I’m going to say you are never too old to skydive.

[Cut to Mort Fellner]

Mort Fellner: Yeah! Well, 116 year old Josie Baits said the same thing.

[Cut to Mort Fellner and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Great.

Mort Fellner: Go, Josie. She went to Cloud Town skydiving school on Monday [Cut to Mort Fellner] and ascended to 20,000 feet and kept on going up to heaven. She passed away peacefully on the plane of natural causes.

[Cut to Mort Fellner and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Okay. All right. Let’s maybe change the subject a little. Are there any fun super centenarian events coming up?

Mort Fellner: Yup! Mark your calendars. Next month’s annual super centenarian prom–

Colin Jost: That’s fun.

[Cut to Mort Fellner]

Mort Fellner: — has been canceled following the passing of it’s organizer, 113 year old Rose Dally.

[Cut to Mort Fellner and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: More of something that ends on a more pleasant note.

Mort Fellner: How about Showbiz news.

Colin Jost: Great! Yeah!

[Cut to Mort Fellner]

Mort Fellner: Broadway, meet 114 year old Abner Burton who will join Hamilton next week –

[Cut to Mort Fellner and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Wow!

Mort Fellner: –when he is laid to rest at Trinity Church Graveyard on Broadway in Lower Manhattan, the final resting place for Alexander Hamilton.

Colin Jost: Yeah. See, it’s actively misleading. All right, more– I’m sorry–

Mort Fellner: Hey, hey.

Colin Jost: Are there any headlines you got there about living super centenarians?

[Cut to Mort Fellner]

Mort Fellner: Yeah. Lifelong bachelor, 111 year old Mel Thomas became the country’s oldest newlywed last week when he married 99 year old Ethyl Birmingham–

[Cut to Mort Fellner and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Cradle robber, right?

Mort Fellner: — on her death bed, it was.

Colin Jost: Don’t pause.

Mort Fellner: Lastly, [Cut to Mort Fellner] 116 year old Gavin McLaughlin was awarded the 2019 sexiest super centenarian alive award, posthumously.

[Cut to Mort Fellner, Colin Jost and Michael Che]

Colin Jost: Mort Fellner, everyone.

Mort Fellner: No! Can I meet Pete?

Colin Jost: No, you can’t. No. Weekend Update. I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Weekend Update: President Trump Declares a National Emergency | Season 44 Episode 13

Colin Jost

Michael Che

Tommy… Pete Davidson

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Narrator: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[Cut to Colin and Michael in their news set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening, everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m colin Jost. [Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at the left top former of the screen] President Trump declared a national emergency yesterday and said we need a wall to stop the flow of drugs into our country. And to demonstrate how bad the problem is, trump spent 20 minutes doing his impressions of a coke addict.

[Cut to video clip of Donald Trump’s speeches]

Donald Trump: It’s all a big lie. It’s a big con game. I don’t know what to do with all the money they’re giving us. It’s crazy. Eight billion or two billion or one and half billion—it’s gonna build a lot of wall. We give death penalty. Fire and fury. Total annihilation. The Nobel Peace prize. Probably never get it, but that’s okay, gave it to Obama. So that’s the story.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at the left top former of the screen]

Colin Jost:  what a beautiful story it was. Trump then described in a sing-song voice how his decoration will face a lengthy legal challenge before he can actually act on it saying this.

[Cut to video clip of Donald Trump’s speeches]

Donald Trump: And we will have a national emergency, and we will then be sued and they will sue us in the ninth circuit, even though it shouldn’t be there, and we will possibly get a bad ruling, and then we’ll get another bad ruling, and then we will end up in supreme court, and hopefully we’ll get a fair shake, and we’ll win to the supreme court, just like the band.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at the left top former of the screen]

Colin Jost: [Colin talks in sing-song voice like Donald Trump] Oh, my god. That guy controls our nuclear weapons.

Watching that was like a [Picture changes to School House Rock’s picture] School House Rock had stroke. By the way, [Picture changes to Donald Trump giving speech outside the White House] you know what an actual national emergency is, the climate change that let the president give an outdoor press conference in the middle of February.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and the wall at the right top former of the screen]

Michael Che: I’m so tired of telling Donald Trump’s crazy jokes. I have been making fun of this dude and his dumb ass wall for so long, I got to be honest, now, I kind of want to see the wall. I mean, I never have seen anybody so confident in such a bad idea. It’s almost charming. Like when Colin thought [Picture changes to Colin Jost with cornrows hair] he could pull off cornrows. I’m not saying we should let him [Picture changes to Donald Trump and the wall] build the wall, but what if we let him do a power point presentation. A dramatic reenactment. I just want to see exactly what Trump thinks is going to happen when a Mexican cartel sees a wall. What do you think they’re gonna do? Shake their fists and turn around and walk home. Do you know how motivated you got to be to sell drugs? I know a guy that swallowed a bag of dope, pooped it out and washed it off, and then still sold it. You can’t build a wall to stop that kind of crimes man!

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at the left top former of the screen]

Colin Jost: And I don’t know if you noticed but Trump’s messaging on the wall keeps changing too. First it was ‘Build a wall’. Then he changed it to ‘Finish the Wall’ and then when he doesn’t finish the wall, it will be, ‘Actually The Wall Was Inside Of Us The Whole Time’. However, the deal with congress did provide funding for a 55-mile section of slats, and we actually have one of Trump’s best guys who is there right now. He’s already started building it. Did you finish that first section yet Tommy?

[Cut to Tommy in front of the wall. The slats are horizontally built like a ladder.]

Tommy: That’s right, this slats all ready to go, boss. Oh, that hurts, I think we built a ladder.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at the left top former of the screen]

Colin Jost: That was it. Trump described increased violence at the border, but to be fair, he had air tight evidence to back it up.

[Cut to video clip of Donald Trump’s speech]

Donald Trump: I used many stats.

Reporter: Could you share those stats with us?

Donald Trump: Let me tell you, you have stats that are far worse than the ones that I use. I use many stats.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at the left top former of the screen]

Colin Jost: Many of them. Does anyone get the sneaking suspicion when he says many, he means zero. It’s like turning in a paper where the bibliography section just says many books.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of the wall at the right top former of the screen]

Michael Che: This wall is clearly racist. It’s just a way for the native Americans to blame brown people for their new heroin habit. Why didn’t they build a wall for us it in the 80s when we needed it. But the problem isn’t that drugs are coming in, the problem is people really want to get high. Address that part. If your wife is cheating on you, she is not going to stop because you built a wall around the house. You have to get the root of the actual problem, otherwise you just going to come home and find strange men running around in those slats.

Weekend Update: Jules on the Oscars – SNL | Season 44 Episode 8

Colin Jost

Jules… Beck Bennett

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set]

Colin Jost: The Oscars are only a week away and there will be no host for the ceremony. Here with his take is self-described cultural renegade, Jules who sees things a little differently.

[Jules comes in]

Jules: Hi, hello. Ni-hao, Colin. It’s so …[Jules breathes in] intoxicating to be back.

Colin Jost: Really great. So what do you expect from the Oscars this year?

Jules: Well, first of all, growing up, [Cut to Jules] I wasn’t like other kids. I was a little un-orthodox, if that makes sense. If other kids were dressing up for Halloween, I was dressing up for Wednesday. If my peers were throwing around a football ball, I was gathering scraps of yarn for say, a puppet’s wig. So I guess I just see things a little differently.

[Cut to Jules and Colin]

Colin Jost: That’s great. I didn’t ask but that. Let’s talk about Oscars.

Jules: Oh, here’s a referee, Colin. [Cut to Jules] They open the envelope and the Oscar goes to a lightning bug squished on the ground yet still he glows. The sun light on an old fence covered in dust, or a little boy buying his first penny candy. Go on, Colin. [Cut to Jules and Colin] Close your eyes and taste it. Mmm. Taste your childhood.

Colin Jost: Dude, your hands are visibly dirty. So, just tell me. Are you going to watch the red carpet?

Jules:  I’ll watch and scoff, Colin. [Cut to Jules] Yes, they all ask who are you wear something? What I want to know is who are you being? I want to tell every actress I see, take your clothes off, I want to see what’s underneath.

[Cut to Jules and Colin]

Colin Jost: No, you can’t do that, man. That’s really bad.

Jules: Society wants to paint them like little dolls, [Cut to Jules] but they should be like dolls I had as a child, riddled with drift wood with really realistic genitalia.

[Cut to Jules and Colin]

Colin Jost: All right. So I don’t know, who do you think is going to win best picture?

Jules: Oh, that’s tough. [Cut to Jules] On one hand I’m rooting for Black Panther or I call it, Equal Panther. [Cut to Jules and Colin] I also loved Green Book. [Cut to Jules] The story of a wise black musician teaching a mentally challenged Italian man how to love.

[Cut to Jules and Colin]

Colin Jost: I don’t think he is mentally challenged.

Jules: No, no, no. See the movie. He was. But, here’s my real best picture, Colin. [Cut to Jules]  Open on a baby laughing. He knows nothing, yet he knows more than we ever will. Cut to a white hand touching a black hand, finally. Pan over a young man feeding old woman soup. Yum. Slam zoom into the old woman’s eye. We see World War II and at it’s entirety reverse shot revealed, the baby was filming it the entire time.

[Cut to Jules and Colin]

Colin Jost: The baby was filming World War II?

Jules: And laughing, yes. She was. Wow! Gratitude.

Colin Jost: Yeah, great. Great. That’s really Cool. I am just curious. I feel like I have to ask. Your primary source of income.

[Cut to Jules]

Jules: Oh, my father sold guns to Al Qaeda.

[Cut to Jules and Colin]

Colin Jost: Jules, everyone.

Jules: The Oscar goes to Whimsy.

 

Weekend Update: Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer | Season 44 Episode 13

Colin Jost

Chuck Shumer… Alex Moffat

Nancy Pelosi… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost on his new set]

Colin Jost: In the wake of what is being called a political victory, democratic leaders have cautioned their rank and file not to gloat or celebrate the outcome excessively. Here to comment are senator minority leader Chuck Schumer and speaker of the house, Nancy Pelosi.

[Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi come in]

[Cheers and applause]

Chuck Schumer: No, no, no, don’t make it – You’re being silly.

Colin Jost: Now, many are saying you ran rings around the president in the wall negotiation and yet you’ve decided not to gloat?

[Cut to Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi]

Chuck Schumer: What is there to gloat about? I mean the president is a very tough negotiator.

Nancy Pelosi: We are actually– we are devastated with the outcome.

Chuck Schumer: Um-hmm. That’s correct. The truth is, Colin, the president ate our lunch.

Nancy Pelosi: He ate our lunch, he ate his lunch, he at all the lunches. He likes lunch. [Nancy Pelosi starts crying]

Chuck Schumer: You said you wouldn’t. You promised you wouldn’t.

Nancy Pelosi: No, I’m so bad. Okay, okay. This is very serious. See Colin, the president really did whip our butts here.

Chuck Schumer: Um-hmm, and that’s just one reason I’m sitting on hemorrhoid cushion right now. [Nancy Pelosi starts crying again] Wowy!

[Cut to Colin, Nancy and Chuck]

Colin Jost: All right. Okay. Guys! The  president did come away with a lot less money than he was asking for. He only got a fraction of his wall money.

Nancy Pelosi: What? Colin, are you sure about that? It was probably a big fraction, Right?

Chuck Schumer: Yeah. It would have to be a big fraction. A big, big fraction.

Colin Jost: Yeah, well, it was only 2.3% of the total amount you need.

[Cut to Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi]

Nancy Pelosi: 2%? Well,  that sounds like a lot to me.

Chuck Schumer: 2%. I can’t even drink milk that rich – I’d explode.

[Cut to Colin, Nancy and Chuck]

Nancy Pelosi: Thank you, Colin. We have been humiliated.

[Cut to Colin, Nancy and Chuck]

Chuck Schumer: We wanted something sure, but he gave us everything.

Nancy Pelosi: Daddy, though, Colin. Daddy real tough.

Chuck Schumer: I can only imagine what Ann Coulter is saying about us. Let’s have a look. [Chuck Schumer takes his phone out] Okay, and Coulter says, “The only national emergency is that our president is an idiot.”

Nancy Pelosi: What?

Chuck Schumer: Well, that’s not very nice. I thought she liked him.

Nancy Pelosi: That’s shocking. I was shocked when I printed that out this morning. [Nancy takes a framed newspaper article out]

Colin Jost: All right. That seems like gloating. That’s gloating.

Nancy Pelosi: Okay.

Chuck Schumer: You got us.

Colin Jost: Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer everyone.

Weekend Update: This Is America Wins Song of the Year | Season 44 Episode 13

[Starts with Michael Che in his set. There’s a picture of Childish Gambino at the right top corner of the screen.]

Michael Che: Childish Gambino’s ‘This is America’ made history when it became the first rap song to win song of the year at the Grammy’s. If you’re wondering why it took so long for rap to win this award, it’s cause this is America.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his set. There’s a picture of Rubin Diaz at the left top corner of the screen.]

Colin Jost: New York city council member and bounty hunter from the future Rubin Diaz has been criticized after saying that New York city council is controlled by the homosexual community, which is strange criticism coming form a guy who looks like all the villages put together. [The picture changes to an ambulance] New York city lawmakers have also proposed a new law that would change the sound of the emergency vehicle siren to resemble those used in Europe. That way when you can spend your ride in the ambulance pretending you have universal health care.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Ryan Adams at the left top corner of the screen.]

Michael Che: The FBI is investigating whether Ryan Adams committed crime by engaging in textually explicit communications with a 14 year old fan. Another example of a white musician doing something that [Picture changes to R. Kelly] a black musician did first.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of five democratic centers at the left top corner of the screen.]

Colin Jost: Well, the —

Michael Che: I’ll stand by.

Colin Jost: Yes. Political experts note that the five democratic centers who have announced runs for president have not attacked each other yet because they’re friends. But that will change soon because one sassy bitch didn’t come here to [Picture changes to Bernie Sanders] make friends. On Thursday, [Picture changes to Queens city and Amazon’s logo]  Amazon announced they were cancelling plans to open a second headquarters in Queens means losing 25,000 new jobs. Even if you hate Amazon and all is it stands for, 25,000 is a lot of jobs. That’s like all the jobs in Greece. And by the way, there are a lot worse companies in New York than Amazon. For example, [Picture changes to the logo of Trump Organization] the Trump Organization. That’s only created like five jobs. Though in fairness, they were for highly unskilled laborers.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Last Call with Carson Daly’s cover photo at the left top corner of the screen.]

Michael Che: Carson Daly announced that he will be ending his show ‘Last Call with Carson Daly’ after discovering that he was still on TV.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Katy Perry’s fashion shoe at the left top corner of the screen.]

Colin Jost: Katy Perry’s fashion line had discontinued a show after criticism that it resembled black face. But I don’t know, it doesn’t even really resemble a shoe. If anyone should be mad about this, it’s Mrs. Potato Head.

Michael Che: That was a good joke.

Colin Jost: Oh thank you. [Picture changes to a fire brigade and a box of Cheese It] A man was arrested after he locked his mother and brother in a house that set fire to it after getting in an argument with them about a box of Cheese Its, which I blame in their new slogan is ‘Cheese It, so good, you’ll murder your family’.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of an airport at the left top corner of the screen.]

Michael Che: The regional airport in South Carolina was shut down for several hours after a woman was found wandering the grounds almost completely naked. Except for her landing strip.

Weekend Update: Nico Slobkin and Brie Bacardi | Season 44 Episode 12

Michael Che

Nico Slobkin… Mikey Day

Bri Bacardi… Heidi Gardner

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set]

Michael Che: Valentine’s day is next week. Here with some romantic date ideas are Instagram couple Nico Slobkin and Bri Bacardi.

[Nico and Bri join Michael Che]

Bri Bacardi: Hi Michael.

Nico Slobkin: What’s up Che? How you doing?

Michael Che: Yeah. So you guys run a joint Instagram account for your relationship?

Bri Bacardi: Yeah. You can find us [Cut to Nico and Bri] on Instagram @OnceUponASnuggle, where we post pics of our love, like this one. [Cut to an Instagram picture of Nico and Bri on a couch] We captioned it, ‘I hope this is how we die, #inlove #alivenow.

[Cut to Michael, Nico and Bri]

Nico Slobkin: Oh yeah.

Michael Che: That’s great. So what date ideas do you have for our viewers?

[Cut to Nico and Bri]

Nico Slobkin: Well, first –

Bri Bacardi: so for–

Nico Slobkin: Oh, I’m sorry.

Bri Bacardi: Are you going to talk first?

Nico Slobkin: I thought I was, but you can, babe.

Bri Bacardi: Oh, no, I’m fine.

Nico Slobkin: Okay, are you mad? [Bri just shakes her head slightly] Baby, please do not do this. Do not be mad right now.

Bri Bacardi: I’m not mad.

Nico Slobkin: Please do not be mad right now.

Bri Bacardi: I’m not mad. I’m not doing anything. Go!

Nico Slobkin: Okay. So on V-day, we recommend you re-visit the spot where you had your first date. Which for us was Buca Di Peppo. And we ordered remember babe? Spaghetti and mead –

Bri Bacardi: Fries? I don’t know. [Bri looks away]

Nico Slobkin: Okay. Mead-fries? Baby, why are you mad?

Bri Bacardi: I am not mad!

Nico Slobkin: Why are you mad?

Bri Bacardi: I am not mad. You’re the one who is trying to look cool in front of your news boys.

[Cut to Michael, Nico and Bri]

Michael Che: We’re not his news boys.

Nico Slobkin: Can you just not be mad right now? Okay? I’m on SNL. I just saw Halsey in the hallway.

[Cut to Nico and Bri]

Bri Bacardi: All right, be with Halsey. [Bri stands and tries to walk away. Nico holds her.]

Nico Slobkin: I don’t want to be with Halsey!

Bri Bacardi: Okay!

Nico Slobkin: Why do you do this?

[Bri sits and continues to argue]

Bri Bacardi: Then prove it, okay? Win me back.

Nico Slobkin: How do I do that?

Bri Bacardi: I don’t know. Be spontaneous. Make me laugh.

Nico Slobkin: Make you– ? I don’t know. [Scottish accent] Hey, donkey!

[Bri starts laughing]

Bri Bacardi: Ha-ha, he did Shrek! Oh my god, he did Shrek. Ha-ha-ha.

[Cut to Michael, Nico and Bri]

Michael Che: How long have you guys been together?

Bri Bacardi: We got together in first grade.

Michael Che: Maybe you should consider taking a break?

Nico Slobkin: Never! When you know, you know, you know?

Michael Che: So you revisit your first date spot.

Nico Slobkin: Yes.

Bri Bacardi: Yes. Can I talk now?

[Cut to Nico and Bri]

Nico Slobkin: Oh, my god, you’re being crazy.

Bri Bacardi: Oh my god!

Nico Slobkin: You’re still mad.

Bri Bacardi: Oh my god! Okay, will you not call me crazy because I’m not crazy.

Nico Slobkin: You can be quiet right now. Shh. Oh, my god, whatever! This sucks. Just go.

Bri Bacardi: I am not crazy. I am not crazy.

Nico Slobkin: Just go! Just go!

Bri Bacardi: Okay, okay. And real mature, you are in your hat hole.

Nico Slobkin: I’m just sitting here and you attack me.

Bri Bacardi: I am not attacking you. I am not crazy.

Nico Slobkin: Oh go on.

Bri Bacardi: I am sorry that I’m not Halsey.

Nico Slobkin: Oh my god, I’m sorry I’m not Ryan. She slept with my friend Ryan. She slept with my friend Ryan. She slept with my friend Ryan. She slept with my friend on my birthday.

Bri Bacardi: I was buzzed!

Nico Slobkin: Yep.

Bri Bacardi: I was buzzed. I was buzzed.

Nico Slobkin: I cannot do this.

Bri Bacardi: Oh my god, you can’t do this? Are you breaking up with me?

Nico Slobkin: I don’t know because it’s weird. I don’t know.

Bri Bacardi: Are you breaking up– okay, okay. I can fix this. I can fix this. [singing] You are my fire, my one desire. Believe when I say, that I love you Nico.

Nico Slobkin: You’re so talented, I love you, baby.

[Cut to Michael, Nico and Bri]

Michael Che: Nico and Bri, everybody.

Bri Bacardi: Love wins!

Weekend Update: Apple Introduces Disability Emojis | Season 44 Episode 12

Michael Che

Colin Jost

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of apple logo at the right top corner of the screen.]

Michael Che: Apple has introduced a new line of emojis to represent people with disabilities, such as person in a wheelchair [Picture changes to person in a wheelchair emoji] or someone who is deaf [Picture changes to deaf person emoji], or the governor of Virginia [Picture changes to black face emoji].

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of red heart shape and a cockroach at the left top corner of the screen.]

Colin Jost: A zoo in Texas has launched a valentine’s day promotion, let’s people get revenge on their ex’s by naming a cockroach after them and then feeding the cockroach to meerkat. That will show them they were right to break up with you. [Picture changes to a flying airplane with ‘Delta’ logo] Delta airlines has introduced a new plane that features windows in the bathrooms. Unfortunately, they face into the cabin.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a lion at the right top corner of the screen.]

Michael Che: A Colorado man who was attacked by a mountain lion survived after he fought off and killed the animal. Meanwhile, today I took an Uber three blocks so I wouldn’t crease my new sneakers. [Picture changes to a nursing home and a ticket of bingo game] A massive brawl broke out in a Canadian nursing home after a 79 year old woman took an 86 year old’s seat at their bingo game. It’s the first brawl that began with everyone in a critical condition.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Drake, Kendrick Lamar and Childish Gambino at the left top corner of the screen.]

Colin Jost: There was report that Drake, Kendrick Lamar and Childish Gambino have all turned down offers to perform at the Grammy’s over the complaints of the recording academy is not that enough to diversify the membership. In fact the academy’s blackest member is Virginia Governor [Picture changes to Ralph Northam] Ralph Northam. [Picture changes to picture map of Indiana and a leaf of marijuana] A mother in Indiana was arrested after students at an elementary school were exposed to marijuana-laced gummies that she had brought to the school. Teachers became suspicious at recess when the kids tried to sync up ‘Dark Side of the Moon’ with ‘Paw Patrol’.  [Picture changes to a police car and cuffed hands] Police arrested a man after he pulled his car at the side of the road and started having with it. That man, you guessed it, [Picture changes to Matthew Mcconnaughey] Matthew Mcconnaughey.

[Cut to Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of a strip pole and an electrical meter at the right top corner of the screen.]

Michael Che: A stripper at a club in Florida was arrested after she got into a fight with another dancer. Then she ripped the entire electrical meter off the wall. Providing once again my old theory – cocaine makes you strong.