Month: October 2018

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 15: Episode 19




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89s: Andrew Dice Clay / Spanic Boys, Julee Cruise

Ridiculous Bull

Jake La Motta…..Andrew Dice Clay
Joey La Motta…..Jon Lovitz

Announcer: And now, from the makers of “Raging Bull”, another episode of “Ridiculous Bull.”

[ open on black-and-white setting: Jake La Matta sitting at the kitchen table with his back to the camera. Joey La Matta is standing. ]

Jake La Motta: Joey. You make a good sandwich, Joey.

Joey La Motta: [ pleased ] Thanks, Jake. [ steps over to the kitchen sink ]

Jake La Motta: You make a good sandwich. Hey, Joey! You can clean up later. Come sit down, Joey. Come sit down, we got twenty minutes before the ball game. [ Joey sits ] You look really good, Joey, you know?

Joey La Motta: Thanks, Jake!

Jake La Motta: You know, Joey, can I ask you a favor?

Joey La Motta: Yeah, sure.

Jake La Motta: If I asked you a favor, you would do it, wouldn’t you?

Joey La Motta: Yeah, sure, whattaya want?

Jake La Motta: Alright, do me a favor, Joey. Hit me in the face.

Joey La Motta: What?

Jake La Motta: Hit me in the face, Joey.

Joey La Motta: Come on, let’s go to the game.

Jake La Motta: Joey, hit me in the face. I’m your older brother, I’m askin’ you to do something.

Joey La Motta: Oh, come on, Jake! What’s it gonna prove?!

Jake La Motta: What’s it gonna prove? Two things: I’m nuts, and you got a lifelong thing about gettin’ me down! Now hit me in the face!

Joey La Motta: [ whining ] But I don’t wanna hit you in the face!

Jake La Motta: Joey, hit me —

[ Joey reaches across the table and punches Jake in the face ]

Jake La Motta: Harder!

[ Joey punches harder ]

Jake La Motta: Harder!

[ Joey punches harder ]

Jake La Motta: Harder!

[ Joey punches harder ]

Jake La Motta: Harder!

[ Joey punches harder ]

Jake La Motta: You see, Joey? I’m still standin’!

Joey La Motta: Alright, let’s go to the game —

Jake La Motta: You see that, Joey? Alright, Joey, do me a favor, alright?

Joey La Motta: What?

Jake La Motta: Break the plate over my head, Joey. [ Joey looks more surprised than before ] Do me a favor, break the plate over my head.

Joey La Motta: Oh, come on!

Jake La Motta: Hit me with the plate! I’m askin’ ya, I’m your brother, Joey —

Joey La Motta: But — [ he stands ]

Jake La Motta: Hit me, Joey. Hit me with the plate!

[ Joey smashes a plate over Jake’s head ]

Jake La Motta: Harder, Joey!

[ Joey smashes another plate over Jake’s head ]

Jake La Motta: Harder!

[ Joey smashes another plate over Jake’s head ]

Jake La Motta: Pick up the glass, Joey!

[ Joey smashes a glass over Jake’s head ]

Jake La Motta: Pick up the glass!

[ Joey smashes another glass over Jake’s head ]

Jake La Motta: Pick up the glass, Joey!

[ Joey smashes another glass over Jake’s head ]

Jake La Motta: You see, Joey? [ he stands, as Joey hits one last glass across his head for good measure ] You see? I’m still standin’, Joey! [ walks away from Joey ]

Joey La Motta: Yeah, okay.

Jake La Motta: I’m still standin’, Joey! Do me a favor, Joey.

Joey La Motta: What? [ more anxious than ever to leave for the game ]

Jake La Motta: Pick up the bat, Joey.

Joey La Motta: Wh-what?!

Jake La Motta: Pick it up, Joey!

Joey La Motta: [ picks up the bat ] You’re crazy!

Jake La Motta: I’m crazy, huh?

Joey La Motta: Come on, Jake!

Jake La Motta: I’m crazy, right? Hit me with the bat!

Joey La Motta: I don’t want to hit with the bat!! [ he his Jake with the bat anyway ]

Jake La Motta: Harder!

[ Joey hits Jake harder with the bat ]

Jake La Motta: Harder!

[ Joey hits Jake harder with the bat ]

Jake La Motta: Harder!

[ Joey hits Jake harder with the bat ]

Jake La Motta: Harder!

[ Joey hits Jake harder with the bat ]

Jake La Motta: You see, Joey? Look at me, Joey, I’m still standin’! You’re never gonna get me down, Joey! You ain’t never gonna get me down, Joey!

Joey La Motta: Come on!

Jake La Motta: Joey, you’re my brother, right?

Joey La Motta: Yeah.

Jake La Motta: You want to do me a favor? Pick up the bowling ball, Joey.

Joey La Motta: [ frustrated ] It’s ridiculous!

Jake La Motta: Hit me with the bowling ball, Joey.

Joey La Motta: But — come on, let’s go to the game!

Jake La Motta: Pick it up or I’ll kill ya’, Joey! I’m tellin’ ya, you’re gonna make me snap, Joey! Hit me with the bowling ball!

Joey La Motta: But, Jake, I really don’t — [ smashes the bowling ball on Jake’s head ]

Jake La Motta: Smash my skull in, Joey!

[ Joey smashes the bowling ball on Jake’s head ]

Jake La Motta: Smash my skull in with the bowling ball!

[ Joey smashes the bowling ball on Jake’s head ]

Jake La Motta: Harder!

[ Joey smashes the bowling ball harder on Jake’s head ]

Jake La Motta: Harder!

[ Joey smashes the bowling ball harder on Jake’s head ]

Jake La Motta: Harder!

[ Joey smashes the bowling ball harder on Jake’s head ]

Jake La Motta: Harder!

[ Joey smashes the bowling ball harder on Jake’s head ]

Jake La Motta: You see, Joey! Look at me, Joey! I’m still standin’, huh?

Joey La Motta: Can we go to the game now —

Jake La Motta: Joey, pick up the sledgehammer, Joey!

Joey La Motta: Oh, come on!

Jake La Motta: Pick up the sledgehammer, Joey! I’m goin’ crazy, Joey!

Joey La Motta: [ picks up the sledgehammer ] Jake, what’s it gonna prove?!

Jake La Motta: Smash my skull in with the sledgehammer, Joey! I’m tellin’ ya – smash my skull in!

Joey La Motta: I ain’t gonna do it!

Jake La Motta: Smash — You ain’t gonna do it?

Joey La Motta: I ain’t gonna do it!

Jake La Motta: You ain’t gonna do it?

Joey La Motta: I ain’t gonna do it!

Jake La Motta: I’m your older brother, I’m tellin’ ya’ – smash my head in, Joey!

[ Joey swings the sledgehammer and smashes it across Jake’s head ]

Jake La Motta: Harder!

[ Joey swings the sledgehammer and smashes it across Jake’s head ]

Jake La Motta: Harder!

[ Joey swings the sledgehammer and smashes it across Jake’s head ]

Jake La Motta: Harder!

[ Joey swings the sledgehammer and smashes it across Jake’s head ]

Jake La Motta: Harder!

[ Joey swings the sledgehammer and smashes it across Jake’s head ]

Jake La Motta: Harder!

[ Joey swings the sledgehammer and smashes it across Jake’s head ]

Jake La Motta: Harder!

[ Joey swings the sledgehammer and smashes it across Jake’s head ]

Jake La Motta: Harder!

[ Joey swings the sledgehammer at Jake, hitting only his nose ]

Jake La Motta: You see, that, Joey! You can’t even hit me no more! [ backs up a step ]

[ Joey swings the sledgehammer at Jake, barely grazing his chest ]

Jake La Motta: You missed me, Joey, you see what I’m sayin’!

[ Jake smugly turns his back on Joey, who promptly takes the opportunity to smash the sledgehammer across the back of his head ]

Jake La Motta: You see what I’m — heeyy, heeyy, Joey! Ohh, you’re crazy, now, huh?

[ Joey swings the sledgehammer menacingly ]

Jake La Motta: Joey, pick up the microwave, Joey!

Joey La Motta: [ confused, puts down the sledgehammer ] Pick up the what?

Jake La Motta: Pick up the microwave, I ask of you!

Joey La Motta: Microwave?! It’s —

Jake La Motta: Pick up the —

Joey La Motta: [ exasperated ] It’s 1948!!

Jake La Motta: I know it is, but we got a microwave! Pick it up, Joey!

[ Joey relunctantly crosses over to the kitchen counter and picks up an anachronistically-challenged microwave ]

Jake La Motta: [ hovers over of Joey ] Pick up the microwave.

Joey La Motta: [ points the microwave at Jake ] Hey. You got a spot on your shirt.

Jake La Motta: I got a spot on my shirt?

Joey La Motta: Yeah.

Jake La Motta: I got a spot on my shirt?

Joey La Motta: Yeah, that’s right.

[ as Jake looks down, Joey busts the microwave over Jake’s head. It takes two strikes, but Jake’s head passes right through the micrwoave, which crumbles around him ]

Jake La Motta: You see, Joey!

Joey La Motta: Jake!

Jake La Motta: Look at me, Joey! I’m still standin’, Joey! [ Joey pushes the microwave remnants off Jake’s shoulders ] I’m still standin’, Joey, huh!

Joey La Motta: I gotta go!

Jake La Motta: You think you’re gonna get — you wanna go? You wanna go? You wanna do me a favor? Pick up the refridgerator, Joey.

Joey La Motta: Aw, come on!

Jake La Motta: Smash my skull in with the refridgerator, Joey!

Joey La Motta: I’ll get a hernia!

Jake La Motta: I’m your brother! I’m tellin’ ya’, Joey, I’m your brother!

Joey La Motta: You’re nuts!

Jake La Motta: Hit me with the refridgerator!

[ Joey struggles to lift the heavy refridgerator ]

Jake La Motta: Look at ya’! Look at ya’! look at you! [ Joey begins to raise the refridgerator off the ground ] Smash my head in with the refridgerator!

Joey La Motta: I’m gonna kill you!!

Jake La Motta: Go ahead! hit me with the refridgerator!

[ Joey taps the side of the refridgerator across Jake’s head, as pots and pans fall from the top ]

Jake La Motta: Come on, Joey!

[ Joey taps the side of the refridgerator across Jake’s head again ]

Jake La Motta: Harder! Harder!

[ the refridgerator now splits open, and Jake passes right through it ]

Jake La Motta: You see that, Joey! Look at me, Joey! Look at me! See! See, I’m still —

Joey La Motta: Your cuts are openin’!

Jake La Motta: My cuts — I love you, Joey! Get over here, you’re my brother! [ he hugs Joey ] Alright, you wanna go to the ball game? Huh?

Joey La Motta: Yeah.

Jake La Motta: You wanna go to the ball game?

Joey La Motta: Can we go?

Jake La Motta: Huh? You wanna go to the ball game?

Joey La Motta: Let’s go.

Jake La Motta: Alright.

Joey La Motta: Don’t forget to shut the window!

Jake La Motta: Alright.

[ Jake turns to face the window, then stops and stares at it for an extended moment ]

Joey La Motta: Are you comin’?

Jake La Motta: Joey. Come here a minute.

Joey La Motta: [ steps forward ] What do you want, Jake?

Jake La Motta: You’re my brother, right?

Joey La Motta: Yes.

Jake La Motta: You do me a favor?

Joey La Motta: Sure.

Jake La Motta: Throw me out the window, Joey?

Joey La Motta: [ exasperated ] What? What’s it gonna prove?!

Jake La Motta: Two things: I’m nuts, and you got a lifelong thing about gettin’ me down. Now, t’row me out the window!

Joey La Motta: But we’re on the first floor!

Jake La Motta: We’re on the first floor, huh? [ wraps his arm around Joey ] Let’s go to the roof, Joey.You’re crazy!

[ they exit the kitchen ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 15: Episode 19


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:



Special Guests:

Cameos:


May 12th, 1990

Andrew Dice Clay

Spanic Boys

Julee Cruise

None

Rob Schneider
It’s A Wonderful DiceSummary: Depressed by the negative publicity surrounding his upcoming hosting gig, Andrew “Dice” Clay wishes he had never been born, prompting Mephistopheles (Jon Lovitz) to show him what “Saturday Night Live” would be like without him.

Recurring Characters: Mephistopheles, Frank Zappa.

Transcript

MontageNote: Nora Dunn is credited even though she willingly doesn’t appear in tonight’s episode.

Andrew Dice Clay’s MonologueSummary: Andrew Dice Clay performs stand-up that employs his repository of “clean” jokes.

Transcript

Diceman Employment Agency

TV Guide JeersRecurring Characters: Adolph Hitler.

Cooking With the Anal-Rententive ChefSummary: Anal-retentive Gene (Phil Hartman) is joined in the kitchen by his mother (Jan Hooks).

Recurring Characters: Anal-Retentive Gene.

Spanic Boys perform “Keep On Walking”

Weekend Update with Dennis MillerRecurring Characters: Annoying Man, Michael J. Fox.

Dad, What’s Sex?Summary: Andrew Dice Clay stars in an Afterschol Special, in which he thoughtfully teaches his son (Mike Myers) about sex with the help of his own vernacular.

Transcript

WPLISummary: Tony Trailer.

Jan Hooks’ Personal Protest

Cool Mite

Julee Cruise performs “Falling”

Ridiculous BullSummary: Jake LaMotta (Andrew Dice Man) tells his brother Joey (Jon Lovitz) to smash large household appliances over his head.

Transcript

Kevin Nealon’s Personal ProtestSummary: Kevin Nealon protests Andrew Dice Clay’s hosting by only appearing in a small handful of sketches.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 15: Episode 18







Search Now:

89r: Alec Baldwin / The B-52’s

Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

… Dennis Miller
… Kevin Nealon
… A. Whitney Brown

Music Intro: Led Zeppelin’s “The Immigration Song”

Don Pardo V/O: And now, Weekend Update, withanchorperson Dennis Miller!

[Extended enthusiastic applause. Dennis waits for itto end and, when it doesn’t, takes a sip of water froma cup.]

Dennis Miller: Good evening and what can I tellya?

Dan Quayle will be the first sitting vice president toserve as Grand Marshal of the Indianapolis 500 on May26th. A Quayle spokesman said that the vice presidentplans to spend the interim month and a half memorizingthe phrase “Gentlemen, start your engines!”

President Bush and National Security Advisor BrentScowcroft braved the wind and rain on a Hamilton,Bermuda golf course last week. [Dennis glances at theaccompanying photo in which the thin, elderlyScowcroft appears shrunken, wrinkled and wizenedstanding next to Bush] Kind of instills confidence ina nation to know that their chief security advisorcuts such a dashing figure, huh? … Looks like thelittle bald guy on Benny Hill tryin’ to hold in awhiz. …

President Bush this week denied rumors that thenation’s railroad system is in shambles. To prove hispoint, he took a group of students from Washington toChicago by handcar. [Video clip shows Bush flying akite with schoolchildren but the video is looped tomake it appear that Bush is pumping his hands up anddown as if pumping a railroad handcar]

[Photo of circus clown and child with egg on WhiteHouse lawn] Here’s a shot from last Monday’s Easteregg hunt at the White House. The event was picketed byright-to-life groups who feel the egg should not betrifled with.

Spokesman for the Lithuanian government responded thisweek to Soviet’s cutting eighty percent of theirheating oil supplies by saying, “Go ahead, cut off ourheating oil. It’s almost summer, you pinhead! …Yeah, next winter, why don’t you cut off our bathingsuit supplies?” … President Bush warned SovietPremier Gorbachev that if he continues the economiccutbacks in Lithuania, he would get an even strongerwarning. … A spokesman for the Soviet news agencyTass said the president was only bluffing.

In Prague, Czechoslovakia yesterday, Parliamentapproved a new name for the Central European nation.It’ll be called the Czech and Slovak FederatedRepublic. It was the second name change in a month.The first one, roundly rejected, was The Pat SajakShow.

[Photo of a Nikita Khrushchev look-alike] FormerSoviet Premier Nikita Khrushchev turned up this weekat a demonstration in Soviet Moldavia. Khrushchev, whodied in 1971, explained his reappearance by saying,”Well, Communism failed and hell froze over.”

Dennis Miller: And now, once again, it’s timefor a new feature on Weekend Update, “News from TenFeet Away.” We go now to correspondent KevinNealon.

[Cut to Kevin Nealon standing in the audience ten feetaway, wearing a trench coat and speaking into acordless microphone. Dennis, sitting at the WeekendUpdate desk, is visible in the background. SUPER: LIVE/ KEVIN NEALON / TEN FEET AWAY]

Kevin Nealon: Dennis, once again, I’m standinghere, ten feet away from you and the Weekend Updatedesk. … And, once again, there are some lights andtelevision equipment here as if there’s a show beingperformed. … And there seems to be a crowd gathered.[cheers and applause] Apparently, a rambunctious crowdand – and they’re here to watch something. It – it’san almost eerie similarity to the last time I reportedto you from ten feet away, Dennis. …

Dennis Miller: And what’s the mood over therethis time, Kevin?

Kevin Nealon: Well, once again, the mood is,uh, uh, festive. [cheers and applause] It’s a mood ofanticipation, uh, I would say mostly anticipation,Dennis. The people here seem to be waiting forsomething. … Almost as if they’re ready to beentertained and yet — they’re not being entertained…. Not in any way, shape or form. … And now, from afair portion of the audience, I’m sensing a glint ofrecognition, mixed with absolute disbelief. As ifthey’re watching something that they had seen beforeand that they never in their wildest imaginationthought they would ever have to sit through again. …[cheers, Kevin clears his throat] And now, I’m – I’mseeing some faces, uh, looking in my direction,Dennis, and I’m sensing a feeling of pity. … Pityand tolerance, almost as if they’re watching someonewho does not appear on the show very often. … [crowdsays: “Awwwwwww!”] Someone who is being allowed tomake a token appearance, being thrown a bone, if youwill. Pure pity, Dennis. Pure pity. … And now I cantell the mood is shifting again, Dennis. … This timeto – to boredom. … Boredom and indifference. Afeeling of “That’s his problem, we came here to beentertained. Why don’t they get on with the realshow?” All this just ten feet away, Dennis. And now,within my field of vision, I see a man with a headset.He’s giving me a slashing “cut” gesture with his hand.Uh, almost as if he’s being directed to cut short aroutine, if you will, that is not working and shouldbe stopped. … Uh, a routine that was put on withoutanyone’s authorization or approval. Now, that same manis throwing his headset down, Dennis, almost as if hecan’t get through to someone who is very stupid orself-absorbed. … He seems to be very irate. I can’tgive you a full report as I’m only ten feet away. Oh,but, now he’s coming a little closer– Yes, he doesappear to be a little – a little ex– [A hammer swingsinto view conking Kevin on the head, he falls to thestudio floor and sprawls there unconscious, cheers andapplause as we cut back to Dennis at the desk]

Dennis Miller: I sense the report isover.

New York won the title of Number One Crime Capital inthe United States this week. Detroit, after demandinga recount, will finally be giving their concessionspeech later this week. … Statistics in the BigApple show that there is at least one stick-up everysix minutes. For those of you visiting the big city,do not fear — if you fail to get mugged within thesix minute time period, you’ll get your pizzafree.

[Photo of President Bush with two people in largeEaster bunny costumes, a male and a female] PresidentBush met with Arizona senator Bruce Babbitt and hiswife this week.

And the new movie Ernest Goes to Jail grossed fifteenmillion dollars in its first two weeks. Fifteenmillion dollars. [An old song by the Doors plays withJim Morrison singing: “This is the end, beautifulfriend…” as the lighting turns dark red and Dennisgrows grim and peers into the camera shaking his headsadly:] The horror … the horror … [“This is theend…” Song ends, lights come up and Dennis returnsto normal]

[Photo of students at a school dance] The SupremeCourt this week refused to overrule a decision by aMissouri court that prohibited dancing in the city ofPurdy, Missouri, saying it was up to the city to ruleon it. And, additionally, the Supreme Court made itillegal in Purdy to make this overly cool dancingface. [Closer shot of the same photo with one studentgrimacing horribly]

[Photo of baseball umpire calling prostrate ballplayer out at home plate – it looks as if the umpirejust punched out the player] Umpire Mark Johnsonknocked out Milwaukee Brewer Rob Deer in the thirdinning of last night’s game. The umpire’s manager DonKing said that he will fight Don Mattingly sometimelater this summer.

[Photo of singer-actress-activist Eartha Kitt] And,tomorrow, of course, is Eartha Day and … I couldn’tbe more excited. I – I’ve always been such a fan ofthis special lady’s work. …

Dennis Miller: And now, a humble man whobreathes the very air of truth and insight, A. WhitneyBrown with the Big Picture. Welcome, Whitney. [cheersand applause for Whitney who shakes hands withDennis]

A. Whitney Brown: Thank you, Dennis. Nice to behere. Thank you. Well, friends, tomorrow everybodywill be out planting trees to save the planet. Ofcourse, we’ll cut them all down again at Christmas but… it’s the thought that counts. Earth Day began in1970, right after we went to the moon. Why did we goto the moon? No one knows. … Maybe JFK wanted toimpress one of his secretaries. … Or maybe he justwanted to make Khrushchev look bad. Anyway, it was adream that he had and LBJ made it come true — on someland a friend of his owned in Houston. … It was anamazing feat. In fact, it was the greatest leap oflife since the amphibians hit the beach in thePaleozoic Era. But, you know, our egotism was revealedwith those eleven cruel words: “[That’s] one smallstep for man, one giant leap for mankind.” Like therest of the ecosystem didn’t even exist! No mention ofthe trees that made the oxygen that fired the rockets!No “thank you” to the cretaceous mollusks that laiddown the continents one stinking shell at a time –without a government contract, I might add. … Youknow, if I were another link of the food chain, I’dhave taken it as a deliberate snub. He could have atleast thrown a bone to the invertebrates who backed usup when we were a bunch of nobodies. … Actually, Idon’t think Neil Armstrong even wrote it himself. Itsounds more like Neil Diamond. … But, in the BigPicture, besides arrogance, the greatest threat to theenvironment is ignorance. For example, there aretwenty-five million illiterates in this country alone.Every day, vast numbers of them give directions atservice stations. … [cheers and applause] …wasting millions of gallons of gasoline. Thousandsmore of them defrost refrigerators with sharp objects…. Thereby releasing chloroflourocarbons into theatmosphere. Which is all the more reason to planttrees. Because they give us two most crucial elementsfor our survival: oxygen and books. And that, myfriends, is the Big Picture. [cheers and applause]

Dennis Miller: Whitney Brown.

By the way, numerous Earth Day celebrations areplanned for all over the world tomorrow — or is ittoday? [chuckles] You know, I’m so bad with EarthDays. Anyway– … In the event of rain, they willall be moved inside the core of the planet.

And, in an effort to strengthen Deborah Norville’simage, the Today Show flew her to Nicaragua yesterdayto interview the incoming president Violeta Chamorro.Norville met with Mrs. Chamorro at the palace inManagua at 7:15 this evening and, as we understand it,as of 8 p.m., Deborah Norville is the new president ofNicaragua.

[Photo of broadcast journalist Diane Sawyer and DonaldTrump’s mistress Marla Maples – the two blonde womenare near look-alikes so Dennis sings a parody of “ThePatty Duke Show” theme song:]
Where Diane adores the minuet
The Ballet Russe and crêpes suzette
Hey, Marla loves the rock and roll
Billionaire makes her lose control
What a crazy pair

The U.S.– [cheers and applause for Dennis’singing]

The U.S. census was declared a failure by Democratsthis week after only sixty-five percent of allhouseholds chose to respond to the questionnaire. Butwhat’s the point of a census if they already have acomplete list of all U.S. residents to mail the censusto?

You know, you might think the Ninja Turtles would bethe hottest toy item on the market right now but notso! It’s gotta be this new one — the New Kids on theChopping Block doll set. [Dennis pulls out a New Kidson the Block doll with its head in a guillotine -cheers and applause] Let’s see how it works. I’m notsure which one this is. I – I think it’s Michelangelo.But here’s how it works. [guillotine blade refuses tofall] Okay. … [Dennis puts the doll away and laughs]Replacement heads are sold separately.

You know, the French government has declared war ontobacco, approving a law banning all cigaretteadvertising and announcing a fifteen percent increasein the price of tobacco products beginning next yearin France. You know, I was in Paris last year and thenicest thing anybody did to me was blow smoke in myface.

[Photo of actor Richard Gere] Recent publicity for themovie Pretty Woman reveals that Richard Gere is now aBuddhist and also dating model Cindy Crawford. [Photoof model Cindy Crawford with her famous beauty mark]Gere said he converted to Buddhism about the same timehe met Cindy. [Photo of Buddhist artwork with the samebeauty mark]

Guess what, folks? That’s the news and I – am…

[Cheers and applause drown out Dennis final words aswe pull back and fade out.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 15: Episode 18



Search Now:

89r: Alec Baldwin / The B-52’s

Alec Baldwin’s Monologue

…..Alec Baldwin
…..Victoria Jackson

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen – Alec Baldwin!

Alec Baldwin: Thank you very much! It’s great to be here in New York City hosting “Saturday Night Live”. Now, before we get started, I should explain: this is the part of the show I was the most concerned about. You see, most of my recent work has been in films. In the movies, the moment where the audience first sees you is very important. You’ve got to make them respond to you right away. But I wasn’t sure how to do that on live TV, so I asked some of the cast for advice, and they said, “Don’t worry about telling jokes. This is just like the movies. Charm them. Win them over. Get them on your side.” Now that is something I think I know how to do.

[ bends head down, looks up slowly ]

Hi. there!

[ turns head to left side, smiles ]

Well, hello there!

[ turns back to audience, then turns around slowly and pulls off sunlgasses ]

We meet again!

[ camera pans slowly up his legs, revealing Alec with cowboy hat pushed below his eyes; he lifts his hat ]

Howdy!

[ Alec peeks out from behind a curtain ]

Guess who?

Victoria Jackson: Uh.. Alec?

Alec Baldwin: Hello, Victoria.

Victoria Jackson: I think you’ve charmed them enough.

Alec Baldwin: Do you think so? I think it’s working. You can feel it!

Victoria Jackson: Yeah.. Maybe we should move on now.

Alec Baldwin: Let me just try a couple more, okay? The B-52’s are here. [ Victoria tugs Alec ] We’ve got a great show, we’ll be right back!

[ Victoria pulls Alec away from the stage ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 15: Episode 18





Search Now:

89r: Alec Baldwin / The B-52’s

Greenhilly

Mr. Cherrywood…..Alec Baldwin
Julie…..Jan Hooks
Madam…..Nora Dunn
Maid…..Victoria Jackson
Harry……Phil Hartman

[ Julie and Mr. Cherrywood enter Greenhilly after playing a game of tennis ]

Julie: Oh, that was great fun, Mr. Cherrywood! We must do it again sometime!

Mr. Cherrywood: If your ideaof great fun is chasing a fuzzy little ball over God’s creation, then I pity you!

Julie: [ laughs ] You know, Mr. Cherrywood, I don’t think you’re half as cranky as you would have ne believe. [ laughs, then notices a bird in the room ] Oh! A bird has flown in! What do we do!

Mr. Cherrywood: We must try to scare it out the door!

Julie: Oh, alright..

Mr. Cherrywood: Here he comes! Here he comes!

[ they swat their racquets at the bird, causing him to dash back outdoors; they quickly close the doors, laugh the incident off, then slowly gaze into one another’s eyes and fall into a passionate kiss ]

Julie: [ fights herself off Mr. Cherrywood’s lips ] I must go. [ runs off ]

Mr. Cherrywood: But, Julie? JUlie!

Maid: [ enters room ] Your tea, Mr. Cherrywood. Where would you like it?

Mr. Cherrywood: Oh, over there is fine. Just put it anywhere..

Maid: [ drops the tray to the floor ] Oh, no! I’m so clumsy! Why did I do that!

Mr. Cherrywood: [ bends down to help ] Oh, don’t worry.. it’s nothing! Here, let me help you..

Maid: Oh, no, you musn’t! It’s my fault, not..

[ their eyes meet, and they fall into a passionate embrace until interrupted ]

Madam: Well.. isn’t this a pretty sight.

Maid: Oh, Madam.. oh.. I was.. just bringing the gentleman his tea, and I tripped.. and he was just being kind to me..

Madam: I can see that. You may go now.

Maid: Yes, Ma’am.. [ stumbles out of room ]

Madam: Mr. Cherrywood, I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to leave Greenhilly.

Mr. Cherrywood: Leave Greenhilly? But why?

Madam: You’re having a very disruptive effect on everyone in the household.

Mr. Cherrywood: What are you talking about?

Madam: Why, even now there’s lipstick all over your face. hold still..

Mr. Cherrywood: Oh, now, don’t bother..

[ she wipes the lipstick off of his face, but also falls prey to his charms, ending in a passionate kiss with him ]

Harry: [ enters, angry ] Just as I thought!

Madam: Harry!! It’s not what it seems!

Harry: Prepare to defend yourself, Mr. Cherrywood! If that’s your real name

Madam: [ runs off ] Oh, help! Someone, please help!

[ the two men exchange punches; Mr. Cherrywood strongholds Harry, who gives up his struggle, looks into Mr. Cherrywood’s eyes and locks himself in a passionate embrace, then quickly breaks free ]

Harry: Well.. I’ll be gonig now.. [ walks out ]

Mr. Cherrywood: But, Harry! Harry! [ spies a dog clawing at the window ] Why, where did you come from? You’re a happy little doggie, aren’t you? Let’s just find out who you belong to. [ tugs dog’s collar, as their eyes fixate on one anothers, and they, too, fall into a passionate embrace ]

[ dissolve to title; fade to black ]

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 15: Episode 18




Search Now:

89r: Alec Baldwin / The B-52’s

The Greta Garbo I Knew

James O’Brien…..Alec Baldwin
Greta Garbo…..Jan Hooks
Delivery Boy…..Rob Schneider

[ open on black and white photograph of Greta Garbo ]

James O’Brien V/O: This is Greta Garbo as the public remembered her – the luminous legend of the screen. But I remember a different Garbo – the reclusive woman for whom I, James O’Brien, worked in 1983. Garbo was intensely protected of her privacy, and maintaining it was always a challenge. I remember my first day..

[ dissolve to Greta Garbo’s reclusive home ]

James O’Brien: [ enters sunroom ] Miss Garbo?

Greta Garbo: [ looks up from behind dark shades ] Are you.. alone?

James O’Brien: Yes.

Greta Garbo: Very well.

James O’Brien: I have flowers here for you. From another anonymous fan.

Greta Garbo: [ sighs ] Put them in another room. I want to be.. alone.

James O’Brien: Yes, Miss Garbo.

Greta Garbo: Let me see them. [ takes the flowers ] Ohh.. they’re so beautiful. Put each flower in a separate vase, so that they are.. alone.

James O’Brien: Yes, Miss Garbo. Are you ready for your lunch?

Greta Garbo: Yes. I’ll have a single baked potato.. wrapped in its own foil.

James O’Brien: Would you like the potato with butter?

Greta Garbo: No, no, no, no.. alone.

James O’Brien: Yes, Miss Garbo, I’ll prepare that for you.

Greta Garbo: You may.. leave me.. alone.. now.

James O’Brien: Yes, ma’am. Goodbye.

Greta Garbo: So long.. [ phone rings, she panics ] Oh, no.. uh.. telephone! Telephone! Telephone! Telephone! [ James rushes in ] Please.. please.. please..

James O’Brien: [ answers phone ] Hello, Miss Garbo’s residence! Miss Garbo? Uhhh…

Greta Garbo: [ waves her arms frantically ]

James O’Brien: She’s not here at this time! Who’s calling, please? Mr. Zeckindorf, from the RKO days..

Greta Garbo: [ waves her arms frantically ]

James O’Brien: Uh.. yeah. She’s, uh..

Greta Garbo: [ rubs her head ]

James O’Brien: ..rubbing herself..

Greta Garbo: [ spins, while contuning to rub her head ]

James O’Brien: ..rubbing her hair.. uh.. no.. what?

Greta Garbo: [ mimes pulling something ]

James O’Brien: Uh.. uh.. you’ll call back?

Greta Garbo: [ waves her arms frantically ]

James O’Brien: No, no, no.. she’ll call you! You’re at a payphone? Oh! Uh.. when will she be back? Uh.. uh..

Greta Garbo: [ holds out her hand, five fingers held up ]

James O’Brien: Five minutes! Hours! Days! Weeks! Months! Years! Uh, no, no, no! Five weeks! She’ll be back in five weeks! Where is she? Uhh.. uhh..

Greta Garbo: [ holds out her arms and mimics and airplane ]

James O’Brien: She’s flying! She’s flying to, uh.. to, uh..

Greta Garbo: [ rocks back and forth ]

James O’Brien: She’s surfing! No, she’s doing the hula.. she’s in Hawaii! She’s in Hawaii! You’re in Hawaii?! Oh! Well! She’s, uh.. she’s, uh..

Greta Garbo: [ touches leaves on an indoor plant ]

James O’Brien: Houseplant.. tree.. leaves.. leaving! She’s leaving Hawaii! To, uh.. to, uh..

Greta Garbo: [ stretches arms out, raises out ]

James O’Brien: To see! To see, uh.. uh..

Greta Garbo: [ drops on all fours ]

James O’Brien: A horse! A dog! A cat! A mouse! Uh.. uh.. An ant! She’s going to visit her aunt! Her aunt who lives in, uh.. lives in, uh.. uh..

Greta Garbo: [ mimes a shell game ]

James O’Brien: Shell game.. dealer.. cards.. cards.. Montel Carlo.. Monte Carlo! She’s in Monte Carlo! She’s visiting her aunt in Monte Carlo! Okay! Bye! [ hangs up phone ] Wow! That was something! I really thought he had us there, being in Hawaii! We pulled it off!

Greta Garbo: You idiot! Now.. I want you to sit down over here. It should not be so difficult. We are going to go over it one more time, okay? Now.. what is it.. that I want?

James O’Brien: To be alone.

Greta Garbo: And?

James O’Brien: To be alone.

Announcer: Next week, on “The Garbo I Knew”.

[ James is trying to keep a Delivery Boy from entering the house, as Garbo hides behind the door ]

James O’Brien: No, really! you can just leave the bags there, I’ll bring them in!

Delivery Boy: Sir, this one’s ripped, you’d better let me bring it in.

James O’Brien: No, no, no, no! You really can’t! The floor.. it was, uh.. it was just waxed!

[ Garbo sneaks away from the door ]

Delivery Boy: No problem..

James O’Brien: No, no, no, please, really..

Delivery Boy: The meat leaked!

James O’Brien: Well, I’ll get some paper towels and clean it up myself!

Delivery Boy: I got a lot of deliveries to make.

James O’Brien: [ gives in ] Alright..

Delivery Boy: [ brings the bags in, puts them on a table, then exits ]

James O’Brien: Thank you.

[ James looks up ablive and discovers Garbo hanging from a chandelier ]

[ fade ]

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 15: Episode 18



Search Now:

89r: Alec Baldwin / The B-52’s

The Diner

Brenda…..Jan Hooks
Roy…..Kevin Nealon
Earl…..Phil Hartman
Dorothy…..Nora Dunn
Cowboy…..Alec Baldwin

[ open on a Southern diner – Brenda the waitress bringing orders to thecounter ]

Brenda: Who got the Chicken Leg Special?

Roy: [ eating from a plate in front of him that’s not his ] Me. I did.

Brenda: Roy, why didn’t you tell me I gave you the wrong order?

Roy: Because, Brenda.. I didn’t have the heart..

Brenda: [ laughs ] Earl? I’m afraid I gave Roy your breakfast!

Earl: [ eating from a plate of him that’s also not his ] Oh, that’s okay.. I’ll eat this one.

Brenda: Oh, but it’s real cold.

Earl: Well, gosh.. I don’t mind!

Brenda: [ laughs ] Honestly, boys! I don’t see how you put up with me!

Earl: Well.. we don’t know how you put up with us! [ Brenda laughs ] All we do is.. come in here and order stuff.

Brenda: You two are the sweetest things! [ pinches Earl’s cheek ] You are! [ walks across to the counter to fellow waitress Dorothy ] I ran into Bobby. He asked about you.

Dorothy: So?

Brenda: You working late tonight?

Dorothy: Who wants to know?

Brenda: Who do you think?

Dorothy: Why should I care?

Brenda: What should I tell him?

Dorothy: How should I know?

Brenda: [ defensive ] I just asked a question!

Dorothy: [ looks toward the door ] Well.. look what just blew through the screen.. [ a tall, rugged cowboy enters the door and suavely takes a seat on the stool across from Roy ]

Brenda: [ angry ] Man! His type just makes me crazy! Shoot! Look at him – sitting on that stool like he’s doing it a favor! Well, you know what? He can sit there forever as far as I’m concerned – I just don’t care! [ thinking ] However.. my job description requires me to go down and find out exactly what he wants. [ approaches the Cowboy ] Can I help you?

Cowboy: [ in control ] You got coffee?

Brenda: [ taps a cup on the counter ] Got a cup?

Cowboy: You think you can fill it?

Brenda: Think you can handle it?

Cowboy: I can handle a menu!

Brenda: [ gives him a menu ] First look is free.

Cowboy: I ain’t paid for looking yet!

Brenda: [ stern ] You’d better watch it, Cowboy!

Cowboy: I’ve been watching it ever since you walked over here.

Brenda: Yeah.. I couldn’t help noticing what you were looking at, too.

Cowboy: I ain’t looking at anything that ain’t showing!

Brenda: You’d better keep your eyes on what you’re watching, instead of what you think ain’t showing! ‘Cause we got rules here, Mister! Rules! I’m gonna be right back..

Cowboy: I’ll be here!

Brenda: Okay.

Cowboy: Alright!

Brenda: Good, then.

Cowboy: Bye!

Brenda: Okay. [ walks back to Dorothy ]

Dorothy: What did he want?

Brenda: What do you think?

Dorothy: Well, what did you say?

Brenda: Well, what do you think I said?

Roy: [ interrupting ] Eh-excuse me – Brenda? Can we get a cup of coffee?

Brenda: Sure! [ comes forward with a potful ]

Earl: Unless.. unless you.. unless you don’t want us to have anymore.. [ blushes ]

Brenda: Ohhh, you boys! you are just the sweetestthings! I mean it, you really are!

Earl: Yes, Ma’am! [ lowers his head ]

Brenda: [ brings coffee to the Cowboy ] Ready to tell me whatyou want?

Cowboy: I made that decision when I was 12!

Brenda: Ready to tell me what you’d like?

Cowboy: I’m ready!

Brenda: You look it!

Cowboy: You got Specials that look real fine.

Brenda: Yeah, I’m pretty proud of ’em.

Cowboy: Are they as good as they look?

Brenda: I ain’t had no complaints.

Cowboy: I’ll take the Wagon Master! [ Brenda turns away, but he pulls her back ] But I like my eggs on top of my toast!

Brenda: I just bet you do. [ walks back to Dorothy ]Order up!

Dorothy: You are skating on thin ice.

Brenda: I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Dorothy: You are driving on ball tires.

Brenda: Well, I would love to carry on this interesting conversation, but if you will excuse me, I have muffins to stack. [ starts stacking the muffins on the counter in front of Roy and Earl ]

Roy: [ snorts happily ] Gosh, Brenda! You sure do stack them muffins real good!

Brenda: Why, thank you, Roy! It’s an acquired skill!

Earl: [ smiles impishly ] Well, you.. do it real good!

Brenda: [ pinches Earl’s cheek, then returns to the cowboy ] Now.. why don’t you tell me what kind of pie you want with your breakfast special..

Cowboy: I didn’t order pie!

Brenda: It comes with the Special!

Cowboy: It’s not on the menu!

Brenda: What are you trying to say?

Cowboy: What are you trying to do?

Brenda: Are you trying to say that I’m the sort of waitress whowould offer a slice of pie if it wasn’t on the menu?!

Cowboy: All I’m saying is, pie is never free!

Brenda: You want to know what I think? I think you can take that order right out the door! Because appetites like yours, huh, they’re a dime a dozen!

Cowboy: I guess I’ll be going, then!

Brenda: Well, I guess you will!

Cowboy: [ stands up and heads out the door ] You know something, honey? You shouldn’t give your pie away with breakfast! It makes you look cheap! [ exits ]

Brenda: You get out! [ starts crying ]

Dorothy: Now, now.. don’t you cry, honey, he ain’t worth it.

Earl: [ helpful ] Brenda..? I’ll.. eat his pie..

Roy: Me, too!

Brenda: [ smiling ] You are the sweetest things!

[ fade ]

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 15: Episode 18



Search Now:

89r: Alec Baldwin / The B-52’s

A Message From the President of the United States

President George Bush…..Dana Carvey

President George Bush: Hit there, this is George! Happy Earth Day Eve to ya!

You know, when I ran for this thing here, against that guy in that state over there, back some time ago, I promised to be the environmental president. I also promised to be the education president, and the popular president. Well.. one out of three ain’t bad! [ laughs ] Just a little joke there!

Tomorrow is Earth Day. Environment, a difficult problem – gotta be prudent! [ motions wildly with hands ] Now, I’d love to just take care of the Greenhouse Effect in one fell swoop up here. Not gonna sacrifice jobs down here. Nah gah dah! Wanna do something bold about the rainforest here – gotta breathe, everyone’s gotta breath! Don’t wanna pin Brazil down here – they’re a democracy. Don’t wanna be at cross-purposes – wanna get together! Not out here, right here! A thousand points of light.

You know, you ask one scientist, he’ll tell you the Earth is warming – here’s that scientist, he’ll tell you about that global warming here. You find another expert over here, saying we got an ice age. You got Gorbachev, the architect of glasnost, over here in this area right there. Over there, you got the right-to-lifers. Over here, you got those who would legalize drugs – gotta get ’em together! Don’t wanna be here, here, here, and here, and here, and here! Wanna be here! Bad! Good! Just wanted to recap there.

You know, I know a little something about fossil fuels myself, old oil guy here, been around. I’ve handled a catalytic converter. One thing I can tell you – when it’s hot, don’t touch it! Badly burned! Ouch!

Got that, that glaucoma thing happening, in that area up there, that one eye swelling up a little bit, you know? Using drops. Using THC, the active ingredient in marijuana. Doctor-prescribed! Comes on this little bottle here, put the THC in that bad eye.. [ squeezes the eye drops into his eyes, then laps it up as it drips towards his mouth ] Kinda tasty!

[ feeling high, stammering ] Well, back to Earth Day.. Picture yourself in a boat on a river.. tangerine trees and marmalade skies.. suddenly, there’s someone at turnstiles.. “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Niiiiiiighhhttt!!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 15: Episode 18


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


April 21st, 1990

Alec Baldwin

The B-52’s

None

Tom Davis

Rob Schneider

David Spade

Conan O’Brien
A Message From the President of the United StatesSummary: President George Bush (Dana Carvey) licks his glaucoma drops.

Recurring Characters: President George Bush.

Transcript

Montage

Alec Baldwin’s MonologueSummary: Handsome actor Alec Baldwin overextends his desire to “charm” the audience with his dashing good looks.

Also Hosted: 90n, 92m, 93m, 94h, 95k, 96n, 98i, 00p, 01r, 03f, 05h, 06e.

Transcript

GreenhillySummary: Groundskeeper Mr. Cherrywood (Alec Baldwin) delights in kissing everyone at the Greenhilly country club.

Transcript

The Environmentally Conscious One

The Greto Garbo I KnewSummary: James O’Brien (Alec Baldwin) recalls the eccentric nature of Greta Garbo’s (Jan Hooks) desire to be alone.

Transcript

Only in New York

The B-52’s perform “Cosmic Thing”

Weekend Update with Dennis MillerSummary: Kevin Nealon delivers the news from Ten Feet Away. A. Whitney Brown delivers a Big Picture commentary on Earth Day.

Transcript

The Nude Talk ShowNote: The schedule board in the background lists two shows that were sketches on other episodes of “SNL” – “Dukakis After Dark” and “The Insane Idiot.”

Recurring Characters: Al Goldstein.

The DinerSummary: Sexual tensions run high when a brash waitress (Jan Hooks) takes the order of a drifting cowboy (Alec Baldwin).

Transcript

The B-52’s perform “Channel Z”

Middle-Aged ManRecurring Characters: Middle-Aged Man.

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 15: Episode 17







Search Now:

89q: Corbin Bernsen / The Smithereens

Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

… Dennis Miller
… Victoria Jackson
Grumpy Old Man … Dana Carvey

Music Intro: Lou Reed’s “Dirty Boulevard”

Don Pardo V/O: And now, Weekend Update, withanchorperson Dennis Miller!

Dennis Miller: Good evening and what can I tellya?

[Photo of President Bush shaking hands with SovietForeign Minister Edward Shevardnadze who looks up inthe air] A laughing President Bush earlier this weekmet with Soviet Foreign Minister Edward Shevardnadzewho looked skyward as Bush unveiled the newest weaponin our military arsenal, the Stealth Pigeon.

The attentive Shevardnadze came away from the viewingmuch better off than his boss, [Photo of Soviet leaderMikhail Gorbachev displaying the port wine stain birthmark on his forehead – it looks somewhat like he’sbeen spattered by a pigeon dropping] who wasn’t awareof the advent of the new weapon. …[applause]

At next month’s summit meeting between President Bushand President Gorbachev, officials for both sides arenot expecting any concrete agreement on long rangenuclear missiles. In an effort to remain upbeat,though, both sides have agreed that Sean Connery wasthe best James Bond.

[Photo of smiling President Bush gesturing two “thumbsup”] President Bush was pronounced A-OK this week ashe exited a physical at Bethesda Naval Medical Center.Doctors said the President has a clean bill of healthexcept for a minor disease of the hand joints calledSiskel-itis. … There’s a cure for it and it’s calledEbert’s Formula but there’s a dangerous side effect –it makes you really, really fat.

According to the president’s upcoming itinerary, Bushhopes this year to visit Brazil, Argentina, Chile,Uruguay and Venezuela. The trip will take place sometime after the summer. For the record, Vice-PresidentQuayle has already made six trips to Latin Americabut, in an effort to save face with his friends, hekeeps telling them he’s going to L.A.

While delivering a speech in Houston on Wednesday,this fell out of Vice-President Quayle’s head. [Photoof an enormous metal tube]

And … [holding up a poster advertising “Earth Day”]these Earth Day things are all over town, litteringthe streets and makin’ a big mess. … You know, Eastand, uh– [applause]

East and West Germany got together Tuesday afternoonfor a quickie but it didn’t work and they once againagreed to see other countries.

And, in Israel, Shimon Peres, head of the Labor Party,failed to form a new government yesterday when everyIsraeli citizen formed their own separate politicalparty.

Dennis Miller: After a half century of servingthe poor, Mother Teresa announced her retirement thisweek. Here, with a commentary, is our own VictoriaJackson. Welcome, Vicki. [applause]

Victoria Jackson: Thank you, Dennis! Thank you!Thank you. [stiffly, as if reading a report in gradeschool] Last Wednesday was a sad day in Calcutta,India as Mother Teresa announced her retirement. Shewon the Nobel Peace Prize in 1979 and soon became afavorite on talk shows like Johnny Carson. Her wittyrepartee and smart attire set her apart from otherCatholic nuns. She’s the major influence of my life.Because of Mother Teresa I started tap dancing. Oneday, when I was little, I got sick and I had to go tothe hospital and Mother Teresa came and visited me andshe told me that she promised she would hit a home runfor me that night. As I was listening to the radioannouncement of the game, Mother Teresa hit twohome runs. She went three for four with five RBIs and,at the end of the game, she dug out home plate andgave it to the poor. … Wait. Maybe it was MickeyMantle but I had a really high fever. But my point isthat Mother Teresa and Mickey Mantle werealways there for the people, whether they were playingbaseball or – or giving food and stuff to poor people.Mickey Mantle deserved the Nobel Peace Prize in 1979but instead he gave it to Mother Teresa so he could goout drinking with Whitey Ford. … Because that’s whatkind of a guy Mickey Mantle was.

Dennis Miller: Thank you, Victoria Jackson.[applause, Dennis shakes Victoria’s hand] Very good.[turns to audience which is still applauding] And–Thank you.

Yesterday – yesterday was Friday the thirteenth. Sinceour Gregorian calendar began in 1582, there have beennine hundred and thirty-five “Friday the thirteenths.”Which is only fourteen less than the number ofFriday the 13th movie sequels.

And, in other film news, remember tomorrow is thepremiere of the new thriller Easter Egg Hunt forRed October. [Image of an Easter egg decorated asa submarine]

And, in Amsterdam, following last week’s tragicvandalism where a thirty-one year old man threwsulfuric acid at Rembrandt’s masterpiece The NightWatch, museum officials are no longer permittingsulfuric acid vendors on museum grounds. The sulfuricacid vendors are filing a class action suit againstthe museum, claiming, “It’s not sulfuric acid thatruins paintings, it’s people that ruinpaintings.”

[Photo of real estate mogul Donald Trump posing nextto an oversized genie’s lamp] Donald Trump posed thisweek for publicity photos as he opened his Trump TajMahal hotel and casino in Atlantic City. On his lovelife front, it was reported that he’s no longer seeingMarla Maples. He is now dating someone named”Jeannie.”

And it was revealed this week that Ivana Trump plansto market a line of her own underwear for women. Aspokesman, asked if Mrs. Trump was qualified, said,”If she’s not, she will be — because she’s gonna beseeing a lot of briefs in the upcoming months.”[mild reaction from crowd] Well. That brought Updateto a screeching halt. [Sound effects of squealingtires and car crash. From beneath the Update desk, anairbag deploys and inflates to protect a startledDennis who is pushed back to the wall behind him.Laughter, cheers and applause. Dennis recovers,straightens his papers.] Gotta see somebody about thatbladder. [to the prop man under the desk] You wannaleave? Wanna leave? Go ‘head. [the prop man emergesfrom beneath the Update desk and exits – Dennis callsafter him:] Now, you blew that up all by yourself,didn’t ya? [pause, then quickly] You might want toleave a phone number. You know, uh …[applause]

You know, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles setbox office records again this week. The movie broughtin one point five million dollars in L.A., two pointthree million dollars in New York and an astonishingseventeen million dollars in the Galapagos Islands.

And Art Buchwald – Art Buchwald has sued the makers ofthe Turtles this week, saying the concept was stolenfrom an original screenplay he submitted years agoentitled Adolescent Hybrid SamuraiToads.

Dennis Miller: And now here with a commentaryis Grumpy Old Man! Welcome, Grumpy! [applause forGrumpy Old Man, an elderly, bespectacled, gray-hairedman in a sweater]

Grumpy Old Man: I’m oooooold! And I’m nothappy! And I don’t like things now compared to the waythey used to be. All this progress — phooey! In myday, we didn’t have these cash machines thatwould give you money when you needed it. Therewas only one bank in each state — it was open onlyone hour a year. And you’d get in line, seventeenmiles long, and the line became an angry mob of people– fornicators and thieves, mutant children and circusfreaks — and you waited for years and by the time yougot to the teller, you were senile and arthritic andyou couldn’t remember your own name. You were born,got in line, and ya died! And that’s the way it wasand we liked it!

Life was simpler then. There wasn’t all this concernabout hy-giene! It my days, we didn’t haveKleenex. When you turned seventeen, you weregiven the family handkerchief. … It hadn’t beenwashed in generations and it stood on its own …filled with diseases and swarmin’ with flies. … Ifyou tried to blow your nose, you’d get an infectionand your head would swell up and turn green andchildren would burst into tears at the sight o’ ya!And that’s the way it was and we liked it!

Life was a carnival! We entertained ourselves!We didn’t need moooovin’ pitchurrrres. In myday, there was only one show in town — it was called”Stare at the sun!” … That’s right! You’d sit in themiddle of an open field and stare up at the sun tillyour eyeballs burst into flames! And you thought, “Oh,no! Maybe I shouldn’t’ve stared directly into theburning sun with my eyes wide open.” But it was toolate! Your head was on fire and people wereroastin’ chickens over it. … And that’s the way itwas and we liked it!

Progress?! Flobble-de-flee! In my day, when wewere angry and frustrated, we just said,“Flobble-de-flee!” ’cause we were idiots and wedidn’t know what else to say! Just a bunch o’illiterate Cro-Magnons, blowin’ on crustyhandkerchiefs, waitin’ in lines for our head to burstinto flame and that’s the way it was and weliked it!

Dennis Miller: Grumpy Old Man! Thank you,Grumpy! [applause, Dennis tries to shake Grumpy OldMan’s hand but Grumpy Old Man is too ornery to shakeanybody’s hand, dadgummit]

Grumpy Old Man: Flobble-de-flee![exits]

Dennis Miller: Thank you, Grumpy!

You know, Life Magazine’s new Earth Day editioncelebrating our trees printed five million copies andused up thirty-five thousand trees.

And nuclear power plant workers were exposed to moreradiation last year than ever before. In a governmentstudy just released, the radiation dose they receivedwas roughly equivalent to fifty chest X-rays, sixhundred tanning salon visits, twelve thousand days inthe sun or one bottle of Perrier.

[Photo of M & M chocolate candies] And M & M turnedfifty this week and reportedly they are going througha change of life, asking their buyers to now refer tothem as “W & W’s.”

And Zsa Zsa Gabor is bragging about heronce-upon-a-time dates with John Kennedy. According toGabor, “I went out with Mr. Kennedy, the President ofthe United States, and I was his favorite date but henever once asked me to sleep with him.” You know, myrespect for Jack Kennedy grows more and more everyday.

And, due to his wonderful performance in front of thePoindexter Iran-Contra trial jury last month, RonaldReagan who, when answering “I don’t recall” to onehundred and twenty-four out of one hundred and fiftyquestions asked, sometimes appeared to be lobotomized,recently won the lead in the sequel to One FlewOver the Cuckoo’s Nest. [Doctored photo of Reagandressed as McMurphy in the 1975 film version ofCuckoo’s Nest]

And this week marked the fifty-fourth anniversary ofthe abdication of Edward VIII who gave up the throneof England because he fell in love with, and wanted tomarry, Mrs. Simpson, a commoner from America. [Side byside photos of Edward VIII and cartoon character MargeSimpson of TV’s The Simpsons.]

Guess what, folks? That’s the news and I – am – out -of – here!

[Applause and more of Lou Reed’s “Dirty Boulevard”]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts