Author: Don Roy King

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 4

81d: Donald Pleasence / Fear

Sugar Breakfast

Dad…..Joe Piscopo
Mom…..Mary Gross
Son…..Tony Rosato
Daughter…..Robin Duke
Mr. Elliott…..Eddie Murphy

[ open on suburban kitchen, where Mom is setting the table ]

[ Dad enters, yawning ]

Dad: Good morning, Sweetheart…

Mom: Good morning, Honey.

[ they kiss, then she hands him a cup of coffee ]

Dad: Oh… thanks. Where’s the sugar?

Mom: On the table.

[ Dad continues to yawn, as he sits at the table and scoops endless spoonfuls of sugar into his coffee cup ]

Mom: [ yawning ] Pour me a cup, too, would you, dear?

Dad: Sure, Honey… [ he pours endless scoops of sugar into her coffee cup ]

Mom: You want some coffee in that?

Dad: Noooo… no, no, no, no…

[ they guzzle down the pure sugar from their coffee cups ]

Dad: Mmm… Oh, honey, that hits the spot.

Mom: Mmm, it sure does! Big day today, sweetheart?

Dad: No, nothing special. Just like I said — I got those couple of meetings, and, other than that, it should be a pretty easy day, you know?

Mom: Oh, that’s nice.

Dad: How about you, though?

Mom: Well, I gotta go to the dentist, and I gotta take the kids to the dermatologist. I’ve got a lot of baking to do today.

Dad: Oh, boy — I don’t know how you do it, honeybun.

Mom: Oh, stop!

Dad: Yeah. Hey, you want another cup?

Mom: Sure! Thanks, hon!

[ he pours the sugar straight into her coffee cup, then pours more sugar for himself ]

Dad: I am NOTHING without my first cup in the morning.

Mom: [ turning hyper ] I’m raring to go myself!

Dad: [ now hyper as well ] Honey, let’s put a new roof on the house!

Mom: No, honey! That can wait until tonight! Now it’s time for breakfast with the kids! It’s the most important meal of the day!

Dad: Oh! Say, where are the kids, anyway?

Mom: Oh! [ she runs toward the living room ] Come on down, kids! Breakfaaaaast!

Dad: Honey, do we have any syrup?

Mom: Sure! [ she opens the fridge ]

[ the kids enter the kitchen ]

Son: Morning, Mom… Morning, Dad…

Dad: Hey, kids!

Son: Hi, Dad…

Daughter: Hi, Dad! hi, Mom!

Dad: Sit down, have some breakfast! It’s the most important meal of the day, you know!

Mom: You’re just in time for breakfast: Nice sugar lumps and maple syrup!

Son: Thank you, Mom…

Mom: Here’s your syrup, Hon!

Dad: Oh! Thank you! You know… I really, really, really enjoy this sugar cubes and maple syrup! [ he pours himself a bowl ] Mmmmm, boy! Definitely my FAVORITE meal! [ he also pours himself a glass of syrup to drink ]

Daughter: Mom? Mom? Do we have any gelatin with us this month?

Mom: Oh, yeah! [ she grabs some from the counter ]

Dad: Yeah, honey, is there any, uh, honey around?

Mom: Oh! Right here! [ she hands it over ]

Daughter: Could you pass the sugar, Dad?

Dad: Right here! I’ve got the sugar right there, sweetheart.

[ Mom brings out a plate stacked high with donuts ]

Mom: Here you are!

Son: Oh, thank you, Mom! [ he grabs a stack ]

Mom: Son, did you get your homework finished last night?

Son: Oh, I was too tired.

Dad: Too tired? That’s no excuse, you were too tired.

[ Daughter starts chuckling in a hyper manner ]

Dad: Hey! Now, you mnid yourself, little girl!

Mom: Hey! She’s only having fun!

Dad: Hey! Let ME handle this, honey!

Mom: Oh! Gee, you’re always tougher on the kids!

Dad: Well, don’t tell me how to raise our kids!

Son: Mom!

Daughter: Dad! Stop!

Dad: Ohhhh, they’re right, honey… I’m sorry.

Mom: No, I’m sorry!

Dad: I love you!

Mom: I love you!

Dad: Kiss?!

Mom: Okay!

[ they kiss wildly and passionately ]

Dad: Oh, hey! [ he reaches into his mouth ] Lost a tooth!

Mom: Get the tooth jar!

Dad: Tooth jar! Yaaayyyy!!

[ the kids fight to be the one to bring the tooth jar down from the fridge ]

Dad: Come on, kids! Come on! [ Daughter brings the tooth jar over ] Into the tooth jar, here we go! [ he drops his tooth into the jar ] Hey, kids! What do you say we help Mom clean up, huh?

[ the kids cheer ]

Mom: That’s great! You do the dishes, and I’ll wax the wall!

[ they all begin to do these chores in a manic, hyper manner ]

Mom: Hey, honey! What time is it?!

Dad: Uhh… [ he checks his watch, disrupting the assembly line ] It’s about 8:45, sweetheart!

Mom: 8:45?! you’re all gonna be late!

Dad: Oh, no!! We’re gonna be late!!

[ Mom frantically tries to get their lunches together, as everyone hops around the room in panic-mode ]

[ Mom then pulls an oversized bag of granulated sugar from the pantry and quickly pours it into the kids’ lunch boxes, as Son scoops a few handfuls in the melee ]

Mom: Danny! you’ll spoil your appetite!

Son: Oh, Mom…

Dad: Don’t yell at him, sweetheart!

Mom: I wasn’t yelling!

Dad: Don’t tell me you weren’t yelling!!

Mom: Don’t tell me what to do!!

Dad: Don’t tell me what NOT to do!!

Mom: Oh, I’m sorry, honey! What are we doing?!

Dad: Oh, we’re arguing again! I’m sorry, honey…

Mom: I’m really sorry…

Dad: Oh, I love you!

Mom: I love you!

Dad: Kiss!

Mom: Kiss!

[ they kiss wildly and passionately ]

Mom: Lost a tooth!

Dad: Oh! let’s put it in the tooth jar!

[ she drops her tooth into the tooth jar, as the doorbell rings ]

Dad: Oh! Someone’s at the door!

[ the family runs wildly around the kitchen as they find a path toward the door ]

Dad: Hey, it’s Mr. Elliott!! Mr. Elliott!! Hi, Mr. Elliott!! How are you?!

Mr. Elliott: [ entering ] Man, will y’all shut the hell up?! I can hear you all the way across the street!

Dad: Oh!

Mr. Elliott: It’s the same thing every morning, man! Can y’all keep it down a little bit?

Dad: Mr. Elliott, come on in! Have some breakfast! The most important meal of the day! Sit right down there for breakfast! It’s no problem at all! [ he pushes Mr. Elliott into a chair at the table ]

Mr. Elliott: I stepped on some glass!

Dad: Ohhhhh, no! Well, what the heck! We’ll take care of that later! Yeah… so… would you like some breakfast?

Mr. Elliott: What y’all having?

Daughter: Twinkies!

Son: Twinkies!

Mom: Twinkies! [ she rushes to the fridge ]

Dad: Yeah — Twinkies!

Mom: I was gonna save them for dinner, but what the heck! Let’s have a party!!

[ Son turns up the radio to a fast-pitched version “Sugar, Sugar”, as he and Daughter begin to dance wildly ]

Mom: You two are crazy! You don’t know how to dance! Here’s how your father and I danced when we were your age — nice and slow!

[ Mom and Dad also dance in a frantic manner, as a horn honks outside ]

Dad: Oh! The school bus is out there!

Son: We gotta go, we gotta go!!

Daughter: We’re late, we’re late!!

[ the entire family runs out of the place, leaving a bewildered Mr. Elliott sitting at their kitchen table alone ]

Mr. Elliott: Crazy white people…

[ the camera zooms in on a sign on the wall: “Home Sweet Home” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 4

81d: Donald Pleasence / Fear

The Vic Salukin Show

Vic Salukin…..Tony Rosato
Caller #1…..Tim Kazurinsky
Caller #3…..Mary Gross
Lady…..Christine Ebersole
Caller #4…..Donald Pleasence

[ open on title card ]

[ dissolve to Vic Salukin seated at desk ]

Vic Salukin: Hello. I’m Vic Salukin. Welcome to “Scare Me!” I’ll be taking calls from you people tonight, and I want somebody to call in and scare the HELL out of me! Now, I’m not the kind of guy who scares easily, so we’re gonna need some help from some of you major LOONS out there tonight! Now, to show you I mean business… I’m offering a hundred bucks — 100 big ones, right there it is — to the guy who can scare me the most! [ he holds up the $100 bill ] Okay? So call me — Vic Salukin, 555-4444! 555-4444! Alright, here we go. [ he grabs the phone ] Vic Salukin. Scare me!

Caller #1: Yeah. Well, my name is Leonard. I’m with the regional office of the Internal Revenue Service —

Vic Salukin: Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute… is this the old IRS scam?

Caller #1: Excuse me, Mr. Salukin, I am afraid, uhh…

Vic Salukin: Hey, look, Mac — what the hell do you think I am, some sort of a MORON or something?

Caller #1: [ he laughs ] You got me, Vic! I really thought you’d go for that one!

Vic Salukin: Look, buddy — the only thing that’s scary about you is your I.Q. Okay? [ he hangs up ] Come on! Let’s get a decent call here! This is garbage! Vic Salukin — scare me!

Caller #2: Hey, Vic. Look out behind you. There’s a horrible creature! [ he tries to stifle his laughter ]

Vic Salukin: Okay, buddy, come on! [ he hangs up ] For God’s sake, what the hell is going on here?! YOU owe ME a hundred bucks for THAT one, okay?! A hundred bucks on the line here! Vic Salukin — scare me!

[ a woman begins to hum the theme from “Star Trek” ]

Vic Salukin: Alright, lady, get off the phone and get off the bottle, for God’s sake! [ he hangs up ] Your probably swinging off a chandelier in your birthday suit! Alright, let’s take another one! Vic Salukin — scare me! [ a dial tone ] Alright, nobody there! Look — you people don’t seem to know what the hell a scary call is all about! Looks like I’m gonna have to SHOW you! [ he grabs the phone and dials ] I’m gonna dial any number RANDOMLY here — I don’t know WHO we’re gonna get, probably some bizarro, anyway!

Caller #3: Hello?

Vic Salukin: Hello, lady? Listen — we kidnapped your son, he gave us trouble, so we SHOT him! Where do you want the body?

Lady: No… no… [ she screams in agony ]

Vic Salukin: [ laughing sadistically ] Now, THAT’S scary, and THAT’S what I’m looking for! [ he hangs up ] I just made myself a hundred bucks, okay?! Alright, let’s take ONE more call, and for God’s sake this is supposed to be New York! Huh?! The city of nutcakes and freaks! Now, let’s start hearing from some of you! [ he picks up the phone ] I’m getting pissed off here! Alright, Vic Salukin — scare me!

Caller #4: Hello? [ he laughs ] Hello, Mr. Salukin. I know quite a few things that you might find scary… I’ve been following your daughter, Amy, home from school today. She’s such an attractive child, Mr. Salukin, except for that curious birthmark on her thigh. Heh! It’s her birthday, Monday, nine years old? I suppose you’ll give her that doll that’s hidden in the top drawer of your dresser. And your wife, Linda? She’s also — oh, she’s very attractive, especially when she slips into her black hot pants. [ camera slowly pans down to the phone intercom ] The more I realize… the more I see of you… the more I think you are a lonesome maggot that should be destroyed, and it’s going to be a pleasure to come to your studio tonight and slap a large meat ax into your brain pan. [ he laughs sadistically ] Split your skull, new suit… [ he laughs sadistically, as the camera pans back up to Vic to reaveal him bloodies with a meat ax in his head ] So, vic? Did I fool you?! [ he laughs sadistically ] That’s pretty good, huh?! Vic! Did you like it?! [ he continues to laugh sadistically ] I bet I got you! Ha ha! Are you there?! Vic! Vic! Hey, Vic?

[ dissolve to title card ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 4

81d: Donald Pleasence / Fear

Vomiting For Luck

…..Donald Pleasence
…..Eddie Murphy
…..John Belushi

[ open on Donald Pleasence, dressed in his “Profiles In British Courage” costume, standing before a bathroom mirror ]

Donald Pleasence: “Live from New York…” [ he starts over ] “LIVE! From…” Oh, I’m terrified. I feel ridiculous. Uh… “Live! Saturday Night!” “Saturday Night… LIVE!” “Live! From New…” [ suddenly, Eddie Murphy enters ] Hello?

Eddie Murphy: Hey, Donald Pleasence!

Donald Pleasence: Hello.

Eddie Murphy: How you doing?

Donald Pleasence: I’m alright… I’m just scared to death. I was running over a few of my lines.

Eddie Murphy: Yeah? Why? Yuo gonna be FUN, man. You shouldn’t br worried about it. It’s gonna be fun, you’re a funny guy, Donald.

Donald Pleasence: Really?

Eddie Murphy: Yeah. Piece of cake. Excuse me for a minute. [ Eddie heads for a stall ]

Donald Pleasence: Oh. I see.

[ Eddie enters a stall, then retches into a toilet ]

Donald Pleasence: Oh, God… do they all do that? Are you alright?

Eddie Murphy: What?

Donald Pleasence: Eddie, are you alright? I mean, are you alright?

Eddie Murphy: Yeah. I’m just vomiting, man — for luck.

Donald Pleasence: For luck?

Eddie Murphy: [ wiping his cheek ] You don’t vomit, man?

Donald Pleasence: Have I vomit? I haven’t throw up enough for that. You do it for luck?

Eddie Murphy: You didn’t vomit before you filmed “Halloween”?

Donald Pleasence: I vomited after I saw the film, but… no! No, because it was scary, a scary film.

Eddie Murphy: Yeah, I vomited, too — same reason. Well, look, man, we all vomit for luck.

Donald Pleasence: I’m not superstitious, and I don’t really feel like being sick.

Eddie Murphy: Well, you do whatever you want to do, man. I might vomit again a little later, but… [ Pleasence laughs uproariously ] Take it easy.

Donald Pleasence: I just feel scared.

Eddie Murphy: You’ll be alright, man.

Donald Pleasence: Okay, have a nice show.

Eddie Murphy: You, too! [ he exits the bathroom ]

Donald Pleasence: Ha! I like that! [ he snaps his fingers ] Show time! Show time! Oh, I suppose there’s no harm in… [ he glances toward the stalls ] trying… [ he sticks his finger down his throat and rushes into a stall and retches ]

[ suddenly, John Belushi exits the next stall, peers into the mirror and fixes his hair. The audience applauds wildly as he stares into the mirror, then approaches a urinal as the scene fades and the opening montage begins ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: 1981-1982


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Starring:

Robin Duke

Christine Ebersole

Mary Gross

Tim Kazurinsky

Eddie Murphy

Joe Piscopo

Tony Rosato

Featuring:

Episodes

10/03/81: (none) / Rod Stewart

10/10/81: Susan Saint James / The Kinks

10/17/81: George Kennedy / Miles Davis

10/31/81: Donald Pleasence / Fear

11/07/81: Lauren Hutton / Rick James & The Stone City Band

11/14/81: Bernadette Peters / The Go-Go’s, Billy Joel

12/05/81: Tim Curry / Meat Loaf & The Neverland Express

12/12/81: Bill Murray / The Spinners, Yale Whiffenpoofs

01/23/82: Robert Conrad / The Allman Brothers Band

01/30/82: John Madden / Jennifer Holliday

02/06/82: James Coburn / Lindsey Buckingham

02/20/82: Bruce Dern / Luther Vandross

02/27/82: Elizabeth Ashley / Hall & Oates

03/20/82: Robert Urich / Mink DeVille

03/27/82: Blythe Danner / Rickie Lee Jones

04/10/82: Daniel J. Travanti / John Cougar

04/17/82: Johnny Cash / Elton John

04/24/82: Robert Culp / Charlie Daniels Band

05/15/82: Danny DeVito / Sparks

SummaryWhere’s the cast? Joe Piscopo and Eddie Murphy are still there, but what happened to everyone else? The “new” cast wasn’t working out, nor was the new producer, so NBC placed Dick Ebersol in charge of production, and he gave the show a brand new face-lift. Ebersol produced the very last episode of the 1980 season (just before the writer’s strike), brought in a few new players, and they’ve carried over into the new season. Joining Piscopo and Murphy this season are part-time “SCTV” players Robin Duke and Tony Rosato, Christine Ebersole, Mary Gross, Tim Kazurinsky and former writer/featured SNL performer Brian Doyle-Murray.

   This season did things a little differently. The cold openings didn’t end with the shouting of “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”, and in fact were often replaced by a fake commercial bumper. Missing, also, was the monologue. Instead, the cast was introduced as a group on the front stage, then they would run into their places for the first sketch.

   However, older fans of the show received a treat (on Halloween night, no less), when former cast member John Belushi made a cameo appearance in the men’s room on an episode hosted by Donald Pleasance. Belushi had promised to make the cameo appearance if Fear was booked as a musical guest. Even though he had no lines in the skit, there he was, the original “Bad Boy” of “SNL”.

   This season played out in an unusual manner, but the show was saved from cancellation by the performances of the new cast – Eddie Murphy, especially, with his huge assortment of characters, including Ho Entrepreneur Velvet Jones and Mr. Robinson’s Neighborhood. Still not the greatest season in SNL history, but 1981 picked up the pieces that had been scattered rampantly at the beginning of the decade.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 1


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:





Bit Players:


October 3rd, 1981

None

Rod Stewart

Michael Davis

Swifty Lazar

Tina Turner

Andy Warhol

Andy Murphy
NBC: “Our Age Is Showing”Transcript

MontageNote: James Caan was scheduled to host this episode, but he dropped out because his sister was in the hospital being treated for bone marrow cancer.

The Little Richard Simmons ShowTranscript

The ClamsSummary: Brian DePalma’s latest cinematic rip-off features clams attacking the town folk of Bodega Bay, California,

Nuns On The Beach

A Few Minutes with Andy RooneyRecurring Characters: Andy Rooney.

Transcript

Prose & ConsSummary: America’s hottest new writers are coming straight out of prison. Tyrone Green (Eddie Murphy) is but one example.

Recurring Characters: Tyrone Green.

Transcript

Rod Stewart performs “Dance With Me”

Rod Stewart & Tina Turner perform “Hot Legs”

SNL Newsbreak with Brian Doyle-Murray & Mary GrossSummary: A preview of Tom Snyder (Joe Piscopo) hosting the “Tomorrow” show in Spanish. Raheem Abdul Mohammed (Eddie Murphy) wants to know why there aren’t any black people in the movies.

Recurring Characters: Tom Snyder, Raheem Abdul Mohammed.

Transcript

The Khaddaffi LookTranscript

Rod’s One-Night StandTranscript

The FuneralTranscript

Andy Warhol’s TVTranscript

Michael DavisSummary: Michael Davis collectively juggles a knife, an axe, and a cleaver.

Transcript

“Season Of Glass”Summary: Christine Ebersole invites viewers to submit their own home videos, then introduces a film by Yoko Ono about John Lennon.

Rod Stewart performs “Young Turks”

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 1

81a: (none) / Rod Stewart

NBC: Our Age Is Showing

(Fade in on a deteriorated NBC peacock logo with its colored feathers deteriorated/peeled off on a blue/purple/red striped gradient background. The 1981-82 NBC “Our Pride Is Showing” music plays)

Female Chorus: NBC, our age is showing!

(fade)

Submitted by: Kyleman88

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 1

81a: (none) / Rod Stewart

Michael Davis

…..Eddie Murphy
…..Michael Davis

Eddie Murphy: Here, direct from Broadway’s “Sugar Babies”, is Michael Davis, the untapped source of dynamic energy. Let’s hear it for Michael! Michael Davis!

[ the audience applauds, as the meekish juggler steps out carrying his bag of props ]

Michael Davis: Hello, I’m Michael Davis!

Audience Member: Yeah!

Michael Davis: Thank you. There’s an old show business expression: A comic is a person who says funny things; A comedian says things funny.” That makes me a juggler. DEvery performer has to find his own way to establish rapport with the audience. [ he pulls an object out of his pocket and holds it toward the audinece ] You want soem gum? [ he throws a couple of sticks into the audience ] Don’t be shy.

I have my own personal philosophy about the art of juggling. [ he grabs a single ball and tosses it through the air ] I don’t think it’s important how many you juggle… as long as you’ve mastered it. The important thing is style. [ he tosses the ball high into the air, then bends down to one knee to catch it flamboyantly ] People don’t take you seriously if you only have one ball. That’s why… [ he pulls a large knife out of his bag ] I’m going to attempt… to juggle… this.

[ he drops the large knife to the floor, then reveals a floppy rubber knife in his other hand. The audience applauds as he flips the knife in his hand, then comically tries to swallow it ]

Don’t give it away, if you can tell. This is a joke. [ he picks up the large knife ] No joke. Razor sharp. [ he flicks a finger against the blade ] Ping! [ he holds the knife withtwo hands, then jumps over it ] Hi-ya! [ he jumps again and swings the knife around ]

[ he casually picks up an axe in his other hand, then performs a double-take at the sight of it ]

[ he uses the knife to pound the head of the axe against the handle ]

I want to make sure that doesn’t fly off again. [ the audience laughs ] I hate it when that happens. This is an antique; it belonged to George Washington. I had to replace the handle… and the head. But it occipies the same space… intrinsically. George the axe. [ he holds up the knife ] Mack the knife! [ he bends down and picks up a cleaver ] Beaver the cleaver! [ the audience cheers and applauds ]

I’m going to attempt… to juggle these three razor-sharp implements… [ he begins to swing all three back and forth ] simply for the amusement… of the people in the back. Don’t be afraid. I’ve done this… [ he thinks about it ] twice. All it takes is intense concen– [ he fumbles the axe and lets it slam into his genitals ] Oh! Sorry, I broke the tension. The tension was building. I think I’m the only one who felt it. [ the audience laughs ] It’s very important to have… dramatic effect.

[ he drops the various blades to the ground, then takes out a hot dog and begins to whip it toward the cleaver, making slices of hot dog ]

Razor sharp!

[ he repeats this process with the large knife ]

[ he then flings the hot dog at the axe ]

[ he returns all the blades to the floor, then begins to flip them over one another at ground-level ]

The red one wins!

[ he picks up the large knife in one hand and the cleaver in the other hand, and tries to lift the axe with his foot ]

Sometimes I have a problem getting this started. I have to kick the axe up into the air. Throw the knife! Throw the cleaver! Run like hell! Here we — here we go, here we go, herewego…

[ he sets this chain in motion and begins to juddle the three sharp instruments to great applause ]

Thank you! Thank you very much! Thank you! Thank you very much! You’re too kind! Thank you. Thank you very much. Stopping is a problem. [ he takes a step closer to the audience ] If I could have you grab one of these for me… I don’t care which one. [ he waits ] Oh, you don’t want to get involved? You must be from New York. You’re waiting for danger! [ he juggles the blades around his lifted leg ] DANGER! [ he lifts another leg across ] Warning! [ he juggles the blades behind his back ] Whoo-woo-whoo!

[ the audience applauds wildly ]

Okay! I’ll show you a trick I’m working on — juggling with my eyes closed. Something I’m working on. [ he blinks his eyes rapidly, never keeping them closed for more than a fraction of a second at a time ]

[ finally, he tosses the blades high into the air and catches them one, two, three ]

[ the audience applauds wildly, as he drops the blades and bows ]

Thank you.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 1

81a: (none) / Rod Stewart

The Funeral

Aunt Edie…..Mary Gross
Ruth…..Robin Duke
Uncle Ed…..Tony Rosato
Ruth’s Mother…..Christine Ebersole
Father Riley…..Joe Piscopo
Rod…..Tim Kazurinsky

[FADE IN on a funeral home as soft, mournful music plays. Ruth is dressed in black and standing in front of a closed casket while a huge weath is being carried across the room. Another woman in black walks up slowly behind Ruth.]

Aunt Edie: [gently] I suppose you expect me to bite my tongue and say, “It’s all right.” Well, it’s not all right, it’s all wrong.

Ruth: Well, I’m sorry you don’t like it, Aunt Edie.

Aunt Edie: Don’t like it? I hate it. That’s my brother inside a closed casket. He didn’t believe in closed caskets. And what kind of color is that, that’s a sissy color.

Ruth: I picked it out, Aunt Edie.

Aunt Edie: Oh, Ruth. Why didn’t ya ask me? I’ve been through this a million times. Honest to God, nobody asks Aunt Edie about anything, and nobody says “thank you.” You know, I got your mother a discount on the obituary notice ’cause the neighbor’s nephew works at the Tribune-Democrat.

Ruth: [forcing politeness] Thank you, Aunt Edie.

Aunt Edie: Did you get the casserole?

Ruth: Yes, thank you.

Aunt Edie: You’ll thank me for it later. And don’t forget to return the casserole pan, I lose more pans at these things.

Ruth: Well… I’ll wash it and return it personally.

[Ruth turns to walk away, but Aunt Edie touches her arm.]

Aunt Edie: Honest to God, your father’d turn over in his grave if he knew he was in a closed casket.

Ruth: Aunt Edie–

Aunt Edie: But you kids nowadays do things your own way; I guess that’s the way it goes. [sighs deeply]

Ruth: [angrily] Aunt Edie, they couldn’t get the chicken bone out of his neck, okay?

[soft laughter]

Aunt Edie: Oh. Well… that’s a different story, then.

Ruth: Yes.

Aunt Edie: Well, I guess it’s not so bad.

Ruth: Thank you.

Aunt Edie: Course, he could’ve wore a scarf, but people would ask, “Why is he wearing a scarf at this time of year,” y’know? [laughter] I woulda wore one, I dunno…

Ruth: Excuse me, Aunt Edie, I just have to talk to Mom for a second, all right?

Aunt Edie: Okay.

[Ruth walks away, but a man in a conservative blue suit and an ugly brown tie calls out to her.]

Uncle Ed: [loudly] Hey, RUTHIE! Heyyy, so, Ruth, hey.

Ruth: Hi, Uncle Ed.

Uncle Ed: How are ya, dear?

Ruth: Oh, I’m fine.

Uncle Ed: Hey, I want ya to know your old man–or, your father, there, he was a wonderful man!

Ruth: [softly] Thank you.

Uncle Ed: Wonderful man, y’know that? I–y’know remember him, last month, there, at that, uh, wedding party for your brother!

Ruth: [whispers] Yeah.

Uncle Ed: Hey, y’know, your brother got that girl in trouble, huh? [guffaws obnoxiously] Like father, like son, I guess. Y’know, he just brought a brand new pair of shoes that day, too. He comes up to me, says, “Hey: why don’t you try these on, I betya we got the same foot size!” So I try them on, and what the hell… son of a gun, they FIT! [guffaws] A PERFECT FIT–heh heh heh heh heh heh heh! You don’t know if he still got ’em on, do ya?

[laughter]

Ruth: [outraged] Uncle Ed! LOOK!!

Uncle Ed: Oh no, I couldn’t, it’s a closed casket, maybe a little later, when everyone’s gone, yeah. Don’t worry about it.

Ruth: [covering her face] Well, uh, just talk to Mom, okay, later?

[She goes to leave, but he stops her.]

Uncle Ed: Oh, sure! I will, Ruthie, because I’ll tell ya, I think we’re both a 15 1/2-inch neck.

[Ruth gasps and steps over to her mother, who is standing next to a priest.]

Ruth: Mum…

Ruth’s Mother: Ruth? This is Father Riley. Father Riley, my daughter Ruth.

Father Riley: [shaking Ruth’s hand] Ruth, I’m so sorry.

Ruth: Oh, well, thank you, Father. Father, could I just have a few moments alone with Mum?

Father Riley: Oh, I understand.

[He pats both women’s shoulders gently. Ruth pulls her mother aside.]

Ruth: Mom, I can’t take much more of this.

Ruth’s Mother: Oh, I’m sorry, honey, it’s almost all over. Nothing more wrong is going to happen, I promise.

[As she comforts Ruth, a young man in a bright blue leisure suit with a light blue flowered shirt appears. With a wardrobe bag over his shoulder, he turns to them.]

Man: Ruth!

Ruth: Chuck!

Man: Rod!

Ruth: What are you DOING here?!

Rod: Hey, no probs! I knew you were upset, so I flew into Pittsburgh. I didn’t know how I was gonna find ya, but I just knew I had to!

Ruth: Rod–

Rod: Then it HIT me. You’d probably forget you and your father have the same surname!

Ruth: Rod–

Ruth’s Mother: [politely] I don’t believe we’ve met.

Rod: Rod Schapps. [shakes her hand] Ruth’s lover.

[laughter]

Ruth: No! [She looks frantically around at everybody, including Father Riley.] No! [losing her composure] He isn’t!

Rod: YES! Yes, he is! [points to casket] He’s DEAD! And the sooner you understand that, the sooner you can move–LOOK!! He’s DEAD, Ruth, he’s dead!! Ruth– [hands bag to priest] Excuse me. Your Holiness, I can handle this. [grabs Ruth’s arms] C’mon, sweetheart, it’s okay.

[The others clear away as Ruth struggles in Rob’s grasp.]

Ruth: LET ME GO!! YOU TWIT! I HATE YOU!!

Rod: Let it go!

Ruth: Why don’t you just go away? Lemme go!

Rod: [pulling her closer] Let it go! Let it go! Get it out of your system! Have a good cry!

[She finally collapses on his shouder and sobs.]

Ruth: [muffled] Noooooo…

Rod: [cranes neck toward others] What’re ya staring at, huh? Have you ever seen anyone have a nervous breakdown before? Go on about your business! [turns back] No, honey, it’s all right, it’s okay. [tries to kiss her]

Ruth: Rod, Rod, Rod, Rod, listen to me!

Rod: What’s the matter?

Ruth: [grabs his arms] Listen to me close!

Rod: I’m listening, I’m listening.

Ruth: You have got to understand this!

Rod: Yeah…

Ruth: I am normal, Rod. I’m normal. And you’re not!

[laughter]

Rod: I KNOW that! I know–remember when I told ya about that famous guy that died? What’s his name, BIG guy! I wanted to cry. I wanted to cry but I couldn’t. And that’s what I love about you.

Ruth: What?!

Rod: You just don’t understand, do you? You’re so innocent. [caresses her face]

Ruth: Rod. You are such a tool. [laughter] You are never gonna believe that I don’t like you the least little bit, are you? [waves hand in his face] Just doesn’t register! Rod, you are amazing!

[Rod grins sheepishly and looks at the floor.]

Ruth: [grabs his shoulders] Rod, I, I’m tired. I’m exhausted. Yes, I am, and right now I just need to be alone with my family.

Rod: [softly] Oh, sure. I understand.

Ruth: Okay? And I was just–I was FINE until you got here!

Rod: You cried on account of me?

Ruth: Technically speaking, yes.

Rod: Ahhhh, GEEEEEEZ!

Ruth: Rod, shut up, shut up and let me finish, all right?

Rod: Yeah.

Ruth: Now, I, I, I don’t have much strength left–I want you to go to your van.

Rod: No, I flew in.

Ruth: Well, then go to your hotel.

Rod: Okay.

Ruth: Okay? And wait for me there, and I promise I’ll come by later, and I’ll–

Rod: Promise?

Ruth: I–yes. Hope to die.

Rod: Okay.

Ruth: Okay? Okay.

Rod: [pulls out a matchbook] I’m staying at the Monongahela Arms, out on Route 54 out by the airport! See, there’s directions on the matches.

Ruth: Okay.

Rod: There’s a little map there.

[Rod turns from her and steps over to the mourners.]

Rod: Can I have my bag–thank you, Father. [takes wardrobe bag from priest]

Uncle Ed: You’ll like that hotel. I’ve been there myself.

[laughter]

Rod: [turning back to Ruth] Listen… you… you better not keep me waiting too long. I think the maid’s kinda sweet on me. She pulled the covers down on my bed, and she put a chocolate mint on my pillow.

[laughter]

Ruth: [hopefully] Great.

Rod: Naw, I was just kiddin’, c’mon, I don’t go for girls that throw themselves at ya.

[Out of nowhere, Ruth is overcome by passion.]

Ruth: [whispers] Rod.

[He mashes his lips against hers and bends her over almost to the floor. She grabs him to keep from falling. He pulls her up and breaks the kiss.]

Rod: [hushed] Okay, babe, take care…

[He dashes out of the room, but stops cold in the doorway and turns back.]

Rod: Dan Blocker!

Ruth: What?

Rod: “Bonanza”! Remember I talked about that famous guy died? Big guy? Dan Blocker!

Ruth: Rod, go. [She pushes him out through the doorway as he blows her a kiss.] Good, Rod. Go.

[She turns back in and walks straight into Uncle Ed.]

Uncle Ed: Hey, Ruth, was that guy one of your, uh, y’know…

Ruth: [stalks off] Drop dead, Uncle Ed!

Uncle Ed: Sure, no problem, sorry.

Ruth: [clasping her mother’s hands] Mom, listen. Mom, listen. I, I, I, I’ll explain this all later.

Ruth’s Mother: Look, you don’t have to, I’m a woman, I understand.

Ruth: No, you don’t understand. Mom, I’ve gotta get to Rod before the Humane Society picks him up, all right? [turns to leave] I’ll be home in a couple of hours.

[Ruth dashes away as the mourners gather again.]

Aunt Edie: You get the casserole?

Ruth’s Mother: Yes, thank you.

Aunt Edie: You’ll thank me for it later.

[Audience applauds as Uncle Ed steps in with a pair of brown shoes in his hand and starts to take off his own shoes. ZOOM OUT.]

Submitted by: Sean

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 1

81a: (none) / Rod Stewart

Goodnights

…..Joe Piscopo
…..Eddie Murphy

[FADE IN on the cast standing around home base. Michael Davis is in the center of the group.]

Joe Piscopo: We’d like to thank Michael Davis and Rod Stewart very much.

Eddie Murphy: [at far right] And Tina Turner!! Tina Turner…

[ZOOM OUT as everyone applauds. SUPERIMPOSE “costumes provided by EAVES-BROOKS COSTUME COMPANY” as the band goes full-tilt into the closing music. CUT to a side angle and ROLL credits as everyone claps and waves. Michael O’Donoghue is listed as both a supervising producer and alphabetically among the writers.]

Announcer: Be sure to be with us next week for “Saturday Night Live” with Susan Saint James and Rickie Lee Jones. This is Mel Brant saying… good night!

[Tim Kazurinsky makes his way into the group, grabs Robin Duke, and kisses her passionately while bending her over. ZOOM OUT to a wide shot of the studio as the credits finish. FADE to black.]

Submitted by: Sean

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 1

81a: (none) / Rod Stewart

The Khaddaffi Look

Rod…..Tim Kazurinsky
Ruth…..Robin Duke

[Libyan leader Muammar Khaddafi is shown performing various tasks in the style of a Jordache Jeans commercial]

Singer:
“He’s a liberated Libyan with an independent mind.
He’s a dominating leader who is working overtime.
He’s got the look the Third World is after.
He wants to be the OPEC master.
Drillin’ (woo-ooo), killin’ (woo-ooo)
Invadin’ Chad, Khaddaffi has the look that’s bad!
The Khaddaffi look, the Khaddaffi look.”

Announcer: Whether you’re extending your territorial waters or just chopping off a criminal’s hand, do it in clothes by Colonel Muammar Khaddaffi.

Singer: “The Khaddaffi look, the Khaddaffi look…”

Submitted by: John Ravetti

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