[ open on married couple sitting together on the couch in their living room ]
Wife: When my gynecologist told me I had genital herpes, I was confused. We’d been married for over twelve years, and had always tested negative for STDs.
Husband: But then I read about a recent scientific study. It said some forms of genital herpes remain dormant in women for ten or fifteen years – but, oftentimes, the virus went undetected in tests.
Wife: That would explain a lot. It made little sense to me that two married people without any history of genital herpes, could then suddenly be infected.
Husband: But then I explained it, that that was the end of it, and there was no need to talk about it any more. [ smiles ]
Wife: Our doctor told us about Valtrex, which lowers the chance of passing the virus during sex. At first, I didn’t think it mattered, because we both already had the virus and neither one of us was planning to go outside the marriage for sex.
Husband: So true! Here’s where you really just need to trust your doctor, and to not get all “caught up” in the logic. Even if you don’t have multiple partners —
Wife: Like us!
Husband: — it’s a good idea to use Valtrex.
Wife: Because..?
Husband: Because it’s important. That’s why. [ wraps his arm around her ] There’s really no need to overthink it. Is there?
Wife: [ smiles confusedly ]
[ cut to overhead shot of product superimposed over scene of husband and wife in their living room ]
Announcer: Ask your husband if you need Valtrex. He may know more than your doctor. Doctors don’t know everything.
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 32: Episode 6 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
November 18th, 2006 Ludacris Ludacris None Mary J. Blige An NBC Special ReportSummary: “Saturday Night Live” will be delayed tonight, so that NBC can present a special message from President George W. Bush (Jason Sudeikis), who announces to America that he accidentally started up another war during his visit to Vietnam this past week. Recurring Characters: President George W. Bush. Transcript
MontageNote: Don Pardo creates his own unique pronunciation for Ludacris’ name.
Ludacris’ MonologueSummary: Ludacris differentiates the times he identifies himself as Ludacris versus using his real name, until he’s interrupted by childhood friend Rick “Rickdiculous” Barnes (Kenan Thompson). First Performed: 04j. Transcript
Young Douglas: Hypin’ the ClassicsSummary: Rapper Young Douglas (Ludacris) provides backing tracks on classic hits by Harry Connick, Jr. (Jason Sudeikis) and other contemporary artists. Recurring Characters: Harry Connick, Jr., Barbra Streisand, Dolly Parton, Louis Armstrong. Transcript
Dr. Archibald BitchslapSummary: Samantha Hawkins (Maya Rudolph) and Dr. Archibald Bitchslap (Ludacris) show troubled couples how to save their marriage. Transcript
The O’Reilly FactorSummary: Bill O’Reilly (Darrell Hammond) plans to boycott Def Jam Records for signing Ludacris to their label. Recurring Characters: Bill O’Reilly.
Booty BidnessSummary: Ludacris promotes a new line of club clothing that businesswomen can wear at the office. Transcript
The Blizzard ManSummary: In order to boost a track on his album, Ludacris hires white-boy rapper Blizzard Man (Andy Samberg) to work his magic at the recording studio. Transcript
Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth MeyersSummary: John Mark Karr (Bill Hader) takes offense to O.J. Simpson’s book because he’s the real killer. Bobby Knight (Jason Sudeikis) yells at Seth Meyers for making an obvious Spider-Man joke. Teen magazine editor Anoosa Rosenfeld (Maya Rudolph) applauds anorexia and eats her lip gloss. Recurring Characters: John Mark Karr, Bobby Knight. Note: Maya Rudolph’s “Anoosa Rosenfeld” character is based on Seventeen Magazine’s editor-in-chief, Atoosa Rubenstein. Transcript
PoolwatchSummary: Pimped-out lifeguard (Ludacris) must carefully remove his bling and expensive designer clothing before he feels comfortable diving in the pool to rescue a woman from drowning.
Hair TransplantSummary: Shady hair transplant practictioner, Dr. Schultz (Ludacris), tries to make a quick exit from his medical trailer after releasing a patient (Will Forte) who has the Elton John-style hair that he envies.
Lesbian Cruise ShipSummary: Captain Ronald Huggins (Ludacris) is sure that steering a ship filled with vacationing lesbians will play out the same way it does in his porn video collection. Transcript
Ludacris with Mary J. Blige performs “Runaway”Mary J. Blige First Performed: 92o. Lyrics
Old FriendsSummary: Two old friends (Ludacris, Darrell Hammond) sit at the lunch counter and complain about how hectic today’s modern conveniences make their lives. Note: Darrell Hammond’s fake moustache comes loose, prompting an ad-lib from Ludacris. Transcript
Dress Rehearsal Cuts TurkeysSummary: A group of turkeys (Ludacris, Andy Samberg, Fred Armisen, Maya Rudolph, Jason Sudeikis) outrun bullets before Thanksgiving.
An SNL Digital ShortSummary: Andy Samberg stars in a series of movie trailers.
Hip Hop Hoodunit
Country ThanksgivingSummary: A new CD of country holiday hits.
[ open on Ludacris dressed in a fancy business suit, standing in front of a sign that reads “Booty Bidness” ]
Ludacris: Hi. This is your man Luda. Some of y’all know me as an MC – some of y’all know me as an actor. But, first and foremost, I’m what they call a “bidness man.” And I been thinkin’ a lot about the state of women’s apparel lately.
[ cut to images of a group of women dancing in a club, all of them wearing shirts with ludicrous messages like “Diva”, “Flirt”, and “Naughty Girl” written across the front ]
Ludacris V/O: I see you ladies out in da club, lookin’ fine, expressin’ yourself with your sexy t-shirts on.
[ cut back to Ludacris ]
Ludacris V/O: But when you in the office, you gotta keep it under wraps. Well, not any more! That’s why I created Booty Bidness Workwear.
[ cut to businesswoman walking through the office, flanked by male co-workers ]
Ludacris V/O: For women who demand attention all day long.
[ she turns corner to reveal that her business suit has “Nympho” written across the front ]
Ludacris V/O: Booty Bidness Workwear is for the woman who knows that being the boss doesn’t mean you gotta stop being fine!
[ show second businesswoman giving a presentation while wearing a t-shirt with “Porn Star” written across the front ]
Ludacris V/O: As a working lady, you know it’s hard to stand out.
[ show third businesswoman rubbing a male co-worker’s shoulder. Her business suit reads “Bi-Curious.” She turns to adjust a female oc-worker’s collar, then makes her exit. ]
Ludacris V/O: So make them sit up and take notice, and get the right kind of attention.
[ cut back to Ludacris ]
Ludacris: You have extra gifts – why not remind people of that?
[ show close-up of women wearing dress shirt with “They’re Real” written across the front ]
Ludacris V/O: Empower yourself!
[ cut to businesswoman sitting on tabletop, revealing “Tasty” printed across the bottom of her skirt ]
Ludacris V/O: Be strong!
[ show two businesswomen on cell phones running into each other in an outdoor crowd; both have messages printed on their business suits ]
Ludacris V/O: Independent!
[ cut back to Ludacris ]
Ludacris: Be naaaasty! Booty Bidness Workwear. For when you want to work.. your bidness! [ stares into the camera ]
[FADE IN on the exterior of Superhits Studios. FADE inside to the recording studio, where Ludacris and two others stand behind the engineer.]
Woman: Luda? Uh, the album is hot, but I still feel like we’re missing that club-banger to kick things off with.
Man: Yeah, we’re feeling track 5, but we still think it needs a stronger hook.
Woman: Yeah.
Ludacris: You know what, I agree, but not to worry. I made some calls, and I got just the man for the job.
Woman: Oh, really, who’d you get?
Ludacris: Well, it’s this crazy R&B cat that I know, man, he calls himself: the Blizzard Man.
Engineer: Oh, the Blizzard Man!
Ludacris: Oh, yeah.
Engineer: I thought he was just a made-up legend, like the Loch Ness Monster.
Ludacris: Oh, no, man, he’s real. I heard him at this underground club, and when I tell you he’s amazin’, I mean, he is amazing. I told him to come by today to lay somethin’ down.
Man: Wow. Sounds great.
Ludacris: Oh, yeah.
[door buzzer goes off]
Ludacris: See? That must be him right there. Hold on.
[He walks to the door and opens it up.]
Ludacris: Blizz! Ha-ha!
[Enter Blizzard Man, a white guy with blow-dry hair in a black and tan jacket. They exchange a hip-hop handshake.]
Ludacris: What’s goin’ on, brother?
Blizzard Man: How are ya?
Ludacris: All right, everybody, this is Blizzard Man.
Woman: [politely] Hi, there.
Ludacris: That’s right, you ready to do this, man?
Blizzard Man: [softly] Yeah, most definitely.
Ludacris: Let’s get it done! C’mon.
[Ludacris ushers Blizzard Man into the recording booth. The others look at each other quizzically.]
Engineer: Wow! So that’s him, huh?
Ludacris: Yeah. I know what you’re thinkin’… but I gotta tell y’all, I do not judge a book by its cover, my man can blow, he’s like the next Nate Dog. Straight up.
Man: [chuckles] Now you’re talkin’ my language, Luda!
: Exactly.
[laughter]
Ludacris: [bends over toward microphone] All right, Blizz, now check this out, man. We gonna just let the beat ride, and you see what you feel. Now, you do whatever you wanna do, all right?
Blizzard Man: All right, cool, cool.
[A hip-hop track starts playing as Blizzard Man cups his hands over his headphones and starts rocking to the beat.]
Blizzard Man: Yeah. Yo, yo, yo, I’m ’bout to set it, yo. [to engineer] Turn on the headphones?
[Grudgingly, the engineer turns them on.]
Blizzard Man: C’mon. Check my style out.
[As the beat keeps going, Blizzard Man launches full-tilt into his rap, off-key and out of sync.]
Blizzard Man: Rap song, rap song, We do our raps and then the crowd goes wild! And then it’s time for the “after” party, And we hang out and do lots of sex with girls! Yo.
[The engineer cuts the track off and stares straight ahead in consternation.]
Ludacris: [in approval] Hear. That’s what I’m talkin’ ’bout, man.
[cheers and applause]
Ludacris: Hell, yeah. Hear.
[laughter]
Engineer: Man, what was that?!
Ludacris: I know, right, my man, he’s a straight genius, right off the bat! That’s like one take, dog.
Engineer: No, no.
Ludacris: One take!
Engineer: No, no. That was terrible!
Woman: Yeah. That was absolutely horrible.
Man: That was really bad.
Ludacris: What’re y’all talkin about, that was off the chain, man, single material right there. Y’know what I’m sayin’? But anyway, my man’s just gettin’ warmed up. Trust me, check this out, you will believe in just a minute. [into microphone] Hey! Yo, Blizz, let’s do it again, baby!
Blizzard Man: All right.
Ludacris: All right.
[track resumes]
Blizzard Man: Yo. Here we go. History in the making! Blizzard Man. Ludacris. Check my style out. Doin’ raps and goin’ to parties, That’s basically what we’re all about! We’re super-famous, so the ladies let us hump them, And also we drink expensive champagne! Yo, where’s my money at?
Ludacris: What’re you doing, man? Why’d you cut the music off? He was just killin’ there!
Woman: Are you serious?
Man: Yeah. He sounds like my grandfather.
Ludacris: Well, then your… [laughter] Your grandfather must have been Marvin Gaye mixed with a little Stevie Wonder, ’cause my man is changing the straight game, man! Look at him!
[CUT to Blizzard Man gazing slack-jawed into space for several seconds.]
Ludacris: You just gotta let him get loose, man. Watch: I’m gonna do it one more time, and trust me, you will see a hit. Watch this right here. [into microphone] Blizz? One more time. Just let it flow, all right?
Blizzard Man: All right.
Ludacris: Come on, Blizzy B.
[track resumes]
Blizzard Man: Yo. Off the tone. Put your tape decks on “Record”! Ludacris. Blizzard Man. Nineteen ninety-five.
[CUT to the others outside the booth.]
Woman: 1995?
Blizzard Man: Yo, then it happened. Another club-banger! Check my style out.
[pause]
Blizzard Man: We rap all the time. Oh, we are so good at rapping! Who wants to mess with us? You’ll totally get shot with a gun!
[CUT to the engineer and producers listening more intently.]
Blizzard Man: Don’t you be a jerk. It’s bad for the party, and the ladies get scared! Here, you smoke this doobie! Let’s all cool out and get in the hot tub!
[CUT to Ludacris busting a move and pumping his fist in time to the beat.]
Blizzard Man: What a fancy shindig, There are some real bodacious babes! They see our soggy trunks! And they shake their boobies, and my thingie gets excited! Boo-boo-boodily boo-boo-boo, Doodily-doop-de-doop-de-doo doo…
[CUT to the others while Blizzard Man keeps scatting.]
Ludacris: WHOOOOOOO!!
Man: You know what? This actually might work.
Woman: Yeah.
Ludacris: Aha! I told ya, that’s what I’m talking about, I said sign him, right? I said sign him. High-five.
Woman: High-five!
[They all slap hands.]
Ludacris: That’s what I’m talking about. Yo! Yeah, baby! Hear!
[FADE to a “Billboard” chart which reads, “LEAST BOUGHT ALBUMS.” Coming in at #1 is “Ludacris F/The Blizzard Man,” with “Rap Song.” Other entries include “Miracle ‘Gro” with “Slacks ‘n’ Pants,” “Joe and Margie” with “Fart Parade,” and “Bing Bong Brothers” with “Wait (You Guys).” HOLD on the chart for several seconds, then FADE to black over applause.]
“Saturday Night Live”, normally seen at this time, will be delayed so that we may bring you this special address from the President of the United States.
[ dissolve to Presidential seal ]
[ dissolve to President George W. Bush seated in Oval Office ]
President George W. Bush: Good evening. [ audience cheers excitedly ] As you are probably aware, last Tuesday, I flew to Southeast Asia, for a meeting of the Asia-Pacific Economic Cooperation forum, a group comprised of nearly all the economic powers in that region, including, among others, China, Japan, South Korea, Indonesia, Singapore, Vietnam, and Australia. I had planned to return to Washington later this week, but decided to cut my trip short, in order to share with you two developments of major significance to all Americans.
First, I’m pleased to report that this meeting has led to dramatic progress towards the resolution of a variety of contentious issues, in such areas as trade, environmental protection, and national security.
Second, and this, I truly regret to say, we are now at war with vietnam. [ audience laughs ] The former was the end result of more than two years of painstaking negotiations among our partners in the region. THe lattter.. was just.. I don’t know, something that just sort of came up this afternoon! [ laughs ] And, to be honest, I think it might have been my fault! I do, I really do! The last thing I wanted from this trip was to get us involved another war in Vietnam! In fact, during the entire day-and-a-half I was in Hanoi, I kept saying to myself: “Do not get us into another war in Vietnam, do NOT get us into another war in Vietnam!” And, sure enough, look what happens! [ laughs ] Everything I was trying to avoid! [ laughs, shrugs ] I should have seen that coming!
Anyway, that’s all water under the bridge. To try to figure out exactly how we came to be at war again in Vietnam is pointless. The fact is, we’re at war. And there’s nothing we can do about it now. Of course, on the plus side, this will definitely lead to a withdrawal of troops from Iraq. [ audience cheers ] I mean, I think it would. Because, without a doubt, we’re gonna need every available soldier for vietnam. and then some. On the other hand, this war is gonna be long and difficult. For one thing, unlike the first Vietnam war, this time, we’ll be fighting both North and South Vietnam. Second, I plan to do this while actually cutting taxes. Which is probably impossible, but I at least want to try it. Third, and let’s be honest, we are seriously overextended. [ chuckles ] We are. Fourth, and most important, I have absolutely no strategy for how to fight and win this war! None, whatsoever. And, truth be told, I don’t know when I’m gonna have time to work on one! I mean, I don’t! For now, we have no alternative, but just see this thing through. “Cut and run” is not an option. We must stay the course.. otherwise.. this could be another vietnam.
Thank you, and “Live, from New York, it is Saturday Night.”
Arizona…..Amy Poehler Captain Ronald Huggins…..Ludacris 1st Woman at Table…..Kristen Wiig 2nd Woman at Table…..Maya Rudolph
[FADE IN on stock footage of a cruise ship at sea. FADE to the lounge, which is full of women dancing and flirting. A large banner reads “Olivia Cruise Lines Welcomes You.” PAN across the lounge to the platform, where a woman walks out in a black vest and tan shorts with a butch haircut.]
Arizona: [in a deep voice] Hey-hey-heyyyyyyyyyyyyy, you fabulous women! On behalf of everyone at Olivia Cruise Lines, we’d like to welcome you to your best vacation yet. Who’s ready to party?
Women: WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Arizona: All right, we do want to mention that this is a cruise for lesbians, and if you are on the boat by mistake, don’t worry, we don’t bite–except for that one gal in the front row. [points] Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha… On your first night, there’s some great entertainment comin’ your way. Indigo Girls will be performing by the west pool.
[women cheer in approval]
Arizona: And after dinner, enjoy a cocktail at Club Scissorbang. First, I want you to all meet our very own leader of the seas, Captain Ronald Huggins.
[She opens the door to admit Captain Huggins onto the steps. He swaggers out, dressed to the teeth, and leers at the women as they applaud politely.]
Captain Huggins: Hello, ladies. Helloooo, ladies. I just want to assure you all that your safety is my utmost priority, all right? If you have any questions, please don’t hesitate to call on me. All right? Night or day: here I am, ready to go.
Arizona: Everyone enjoy yourselves!
[The ladies return to mingling.]
Arizona: Thank, thank you, uh, so much, Captain Huggins.
[Ignoring her, he points and grins to a lady in the lounge.]
Captain Huggins: [to Arizona] Oh, oh, please, call me Ronnie, just call me Ronnie.
Arizona: It’s really great you’re so supportive of other lifestyles. Other captains we’ve interviewed for our cruises just weren’t as enthusiastic as you.
Captain Huggins: [pointing and grinning into crowd] What, are you kidding me? I love it. It used to be, the only place you could see lesbians was on pay-per-view! Y’know what I mean?
Arizona: Right. Well. Okay. I will, uh, let you get back to your captain duties.
Captain Huggins: Oh, there’s not a whole lot of wind going on, I’m just gonna mingle for a little while, if that’s cool with you.
Arizona: Okay. [turns to leave]
Captain Huggins: Ha, ha. Whooooo!
[Starting down the stairs, he deliberately takes off his captain’s hat and coolly tosses it onto the platform. He steps to the nearest table, where two women are calmly sipping their drinks. Captain Huggins squeezes her shoulder.]
1st Woman: Oh! Hi, Captain.
Captain Huggins: How is… everything?
1st Woman: It’s great.
Captain Huggins: How ’bout your friend over there, huh?
Captain Huggins: Good for you. Two ladies being lesbian together for five years! Holy diddly-pie.
[laughter]
2nd Woman: Well. Nice meeting you.
Captain Huggins: Nice meeting you, too. Just pretend I’m not here. Be yourselves. Go ahead and be gay ladies together.
2nd Woman: [stiffly] Thanks.
Captain Huggins: No. No, no, no. Thank you.
1st Woman: Take care.
Captain Huggins: No, you take care… of each other. The way gay ladies do, you know.
[A dance track suddenly starts playing. As women begin to dance, the captain joins in, doing some slow, cheesy moves through the crowd. He stops at a table and picks up a flute of champagne.]
Captain Huggins: I’d like to propose a toast. [raises glass in air]
1st Woman: Um, is he… is he supposed to be drinking?
Captain Huggins: To this day… a ship full of beautiful ladies in their pool skimpies… and me. Ladies who like to be with other ladies.
2nd Woman: Is there a point to this?
Captain Huggins: Kissin’, talkin’, kanuzzlin’, snorkelin’ together in their underdrawers… all manner of gay type stuff.
[laughter]
Arizona: [coming out of crowd] Uh, Captain Huggins? Can I talk to you for a second?
Captain Huggins: Uh, yes, Arizona?
[She takes him aside as the audience murmurs with laughter.]
Arizona: You don’t think that somethin’s gonna happen between you and someone here, do you?
Captain Huggins: [scoffs] Oh, that’s crazy talk. [to crowd] Somebody here get this lady a strait-like-it [sic]… please, just get her a straitjacket, right now!
Arizona: ‘Cause it’s not gonna happen.
Captain Huggins: I know.
Arizona: Do you?
Captain Huggins: Yes.
Arizona: Good.
Captain Huggins: Although I do wonder if maybe some of them are curious about the penis. More specifically, my penis.
Arizona: No.
Captain Huggins: Or shy, maybe afraid to ask, you know, regarding their distant memory of intercourse.
Arizona: No.
Captain Huggins: Or perhaps they like to be with ladies first, y’know, like an appetizer, and then they just–
Arizona: Yeah, no.
Captain Huggins: [frustrated] Well, that’s what happens in “Lickety Splits 3,” man!
Arizona: That’s a porno.
Captain Huggins: I thought it was a documentary about y’all’s lifestyle! Please, forgive me, forgive me.
Woman’s Voice: [over loudspeaker] Hey, ladies: the Water Olympics is about to start at the east pool!
[The ladies coo in anticipation and start to make their way over. Captain Huggins picks up a camcorder off a nearby table.]
Captain Huggins: Ha-ha! I’ll be videotaping the whole event! And even though it’s shallow… diving is allowed. [pause] If you catch my frisbee, so get it up, girls!
[The captain holds up his hands and begins to back into the crowd. A woman grabs him around the waist and starts dragging him toward the edge of the deck.]
Captain Huggins: Get it up! Hey! Hey, what’re you doin’?
[Another woman lifts up his legs, and together they toss him overboard.]
Captain Huggins: [falling] I love me some lesbiaaaaaaaaaaaans…
[Audience applauds as a loud splash is heard. The women high-five each other and return to the crowd. FADE to black.]
Old Friend #1…..Darrell Hammond Old Friend #2…..Ludacris
[ open on two old friends finishing lunch in a diner ]
Old Friend #1: Let me ask you something —
Old Friend #2: Ask me something, and I’ll TELL you something back!
Old Friend #1: Why is it that the minute I start to like a show, they cancel it?
Old Friend #2: [ chuckles ] Which one?
Old Friend #1: “Barney Miller.”
Old Friend #2: Oh, my God, “Barney Miller” ain’t been on in twenty-five years!
Old Friend #1: I know! Because they canceled it!
Old Friend #2: [ chuckles ] I have a question.
Old Friend #1: What?
Old Friend #2: When did telephones become walkie-talkies, and cameras, and stereos? I like a phone that’s screwed into the wall, you gotta stand to talk on it, you know what I’m talking about? And it’s got a long, funky, FUNKED-UP cord! You know?
Old Friend #1: I want my television to look like furniture! A big, chunky, wooden bastard that gets as HOT as the STOVE!! Something that you put your spider plant on!
Old Friend #2: Here’s a quizzer: why on’t they take the material they use to make pee pads, and make a whole set of pants with ’em? Huh?
Old Friend #1: Do you wear the pee pads?
Old Friend #2: Oh, hell no! I just think that would be a product that would really take off, you know? You know what I’d call ’em?
Old Friend #1: Slick Slacks?
Old Friend #2: Yep.
Old Friend #1: Here’s a puzzler —
Old Friend #2: Hit me!
Old Friend #1: When did it become okay – okay? – to get a tattoo on your penis?
Old Friend #2: And earrings on your bosoms – why?
[ as Darrell Hammond breathes through his nostrils, his fake moustache begins to detach from his upper lip; he starts to raise his hand to adjust it, but quickly retreats ]
Old Friend #2: And answer me this: where did Pudding Pops go, huh?! Where’d they go?!
Old Friend #1: [ fueled with anger ] I want someone to tell me why I can’t smoke in J.C. Penney any more!
Old Friend #2: And when prostitutes start getting so picky?!
Old Friend #1: And when did chicken become a pizza topping?!
Old Friend #2: And where can I find some coffee-flavored coffee?! Huh?!
Old Friend #1: Where can I get a poster of Loni Anderson wearing a sweater-dress?!
Old Friend #2: And why can’t they combine the no-pee medicines with the stuffy medicines? Tell me that! [ looks at Darrell and notices the fake moustache hanging from his upper lip; turns his head back so as not to laugh ]
Old Friend #1: You have trouble in the stiffy department?
Old Friend #2: Oh, hell no! But I know someone who does.
Old Friend #1: Who?
Old Friend #2: ME!! Here’s another query: are you paying for me soup?!
Old Friend #1: Uh – uh, well, yeah. I mean, don’t I always? [ picks up their lunch bill and holds up a dollar, as hi moustache comes considerably looser ] Uh – what is a, uh, good tip.. on six dollars and seventy-five cents?
Old Friend #2: Mmm.. sixteen cents! That’s twenty per cent! One last question: what the donk is the Internet, huh?
Old Friend #1: [ laughs for a split-second ] The hell if I know! [ begins laughing more ] You got me, my friend!
Old Friend #2: I know that your damn moustache is hanging off, I know that!
[ Darrell Hammond finally adjusts his moustache, as he and Ludacris begin waving their arms in mock surrender ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 32: Episode 2 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
October 7th, 2006 Jaime Pressley Corinne Bailey Rae None None An Address From Dennis HastertSummary: House Speaker Dennis Hastert (Darrell Hammond) comments on the Mark Foley scandal. Transcript
MontageNote: The “Saturday Night Live” logo switches from horizontal to vertical, along with a change in the presentation of the musical guest and host photos.
Jaime Pressley’s MonologueSummary: Jaime Pressley attempts to deter the use of cliched Southern hick jokes so she can perform the Peggy Lee song “Fever.” Recurring Characters: Colonel Sanders. Bio: Jaime Pressley (1977-). Actress; twice posed for Playboy magazine; plays Jason Lee’s white trash ex-wife on NBC’s “My Name is Earl”; stars in the upcoming film, “DOA: Dead or Alive.” Transcript
Headline Prime with Nancy GraceSummary: Nancy Grace (Amy Poehler) interrogates a former male page (Andy Samberg) who worked under Congressman Mark Foley, a Microsoft operator (Jaime Pressley), and the nighttime janitor (Kenan Thompson) who might have moved her chair. Recurring Characters: Nancy Grace. Transcript
New York City StoriesSummary: Martin Scorcese (Fred Armisen) recalls famous street locations where he filmed his movies, while Rosie Perez (Amy Poehler) rambles incoherently. Recurring Characters: Martin Scorcese. Transcript
Jon BoviSummary: Record executive Jackie Downs (Jaime Pressley) endures a meeting with would-be rockers Jon Bovi (Jason Sudeikis, Will Forte), whose hits are little than reverse versions of 80’s hair metal fodder. Transcript
WVIR NewsSummary: Michelle Dison (Kristin Wiig), a newly-divorced reporter, struggles through a live interview with, and a confused attraction to, Crystal Duggler (Jaime Pressley), the winner of the Hands on a Hard Body contest. Recurring Characters: Gil, Michelle Dison. Transcript
New York City Stories IISummary: Lou Reed (Fred Armisen) and Patti Smith (Amy Poehler) recall the rock music at CBGB’s and odd places where they paid rent. Transcript
St. Ambrose AcademySummary: High school principal (Bill Hader) chides student Nicole (Jaime Pressley) for acting keeping her cell phone on during class, until Mrs. Hastings (Kenan Thompson), her black stepmom, arrives to offer support and understanding. Recurring Characters: Mrs. Hastings.
Corinne Bailey Rae performs “Put Your Records On”Bio: Corinne Bailey Rae (1979-). Musician; born in Leeds, West Yorkshire, England; formed the all-female indie rock band Helen while a teenager; developed a proclivity for soul music while working in a jazz club during college. Lyrics
Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth MeyersSummary: Peter O’Toole (Bill Hader) comments on Congressman Mark Foley’s post-scandal admission of alcoholism. Producer Charo (Maya Rudolph) and the young star (Fred Armisen) of NBC’s rip-off series “Fugly Betsy” comments on the show’s premise. Recurring Characters: Peter O’Toole, Charo. Transcript
NASCARettesSummary: Head NASCAR cheerleader (Jaime Pressley) leads her new recruits into performing their moves on the track during the race, but not all of them succeed in running out of the way as the cars perform their laps.
New York City Stories IIISummary: Fran Leibowitz (Fred Armisen) and Yoko Ono (Amy Poehler) wax poetic about the city. Recurring Characters: Yoko Ono.
Big WigsSummary: Business executives (Jason Sudeikis, Bill Hader, Andy Samberg) are fearful that the corporate Big Wigs (Jaime Pressley, Amy Poehler) will step too close to the ceiling fan.
KuatoSummary: At a party, Claire (Jaime Pressley) is interested in Danny (Bill Hader) until the Kuato (Andy Samberg) from “Total Recall” bursts out of his chest. Recurring Characters: Danny, Kuato, Arnold Schwarzenegger. Note: This sketch was cut from last week’s dress rehearsal. Transcript
Cider ChatSummary: Next-door neighbors (Jaime Pressley, Kristen Wiig) dispense distasteful gossip while drinking cider on their back porch. Transcript
A Moment with the Out-of-Breath Jogger From 1982Summary: In 1982, an exhausted jogger (Andy Samberg) spouts the era’s cliched jargon while panting breathlessly. Note: The jogger is so out-of-breath that it’s making him delusional – Mikhael Gorbachev wouldn’t have had any friction with Ronald Reagan in 1982, as he wasn’t elected General Secretary of the Communist Party until 1985. Yuri Andropov is the more likely antagonist. Transcript
Dress Rehearsal Cuts Sale-martSummary: To maintain its everyday low prices, the discount merchandising outlet proudly cuts corners on employee benefits.
The Jerry Springer ShowSummary: Jerry Springer (Darrell Hammond) welcomes a multiple repeat guest (Jaimie Pressley) with a sever grudge to the show.
Captain MorganSummary: Recovering alcoholic Captain Morgan (Bill Hader) serves spirits to party guests.
Campaign AdSummary: A politician (Bill Hader) masquerades as his opponent.
Jaime Pressley: Thanks again to Corinne Bailey Rae. Thank you to all the cast of “Saturday Night Live”! Thank you! Thank you, thank you! Lorne Michaels – I had the time of my life! Good night!
Air Date:
