Michael Che
Pauline… Ego Nwodim
[Starts with Michael Che in his set]
Michael Che: After being closed more than a year, Disney Land reopened last week and here to talk about her experience is Pauline, a weary mother in her darkest hour.
[Pauline slides in]
Pauline: Oh, Michael, Michael, Michael.
Michael Che: Hey, how are you doing, Pauline? So, you must feel good. You just got on the happiest place on earth.
Pauline: The happiest place on earth? For who? I am not happy. No, no, no. I am tired. I stood in line for two hours in Splash mountain so I could sit my haggard ass in a log flume only to have that very flume break down. Well, Mr. Splash Mountain, you don’t think I want to break down sometimes doing all I do for these kids? Well, I do. You want to know the difference between me and you, Mr. Splash Mountain? I don’t get to break down. I just keep on getting my back blown out.
Michael Che: Alright. That sounds like a very different thing. But I hear you. I understand.
Pauline: Then I stood up to see I had been sitting in an inch of foul Disney water. Spent the rest of the day looking like I pee’d my pants. Sitting in my wet pants, eating a slice of pizza as thick as a book. That park ain’t right, Michael. That park is not right.
Michael Che: Alright. What did your kids think about being back at the park?
Pauline: Why does everything have to be about kids? I used to be a little sexual thing, Michael. I did. You know, men used to buy me appetizers. Multiple appetizers. I was somebody. Now I’m dragging babies from Jungle Cruise to Sleeping Beauty’s castle. Sleeping Beauty? Why is that hussy so tired? She don’t have kids. I could be pretty too. But I sleep on my feet like a horse.
Michael Che: Yes. I’m sure your kids appreciate your sacrifice. I mean, did they have fun at least?
Pauline: I don’t know. You tell me. They spent the whole day moaning and groaning, “Mommy, I wanna meet Mickey. Mommy, I want a hug from Mickey. Mommy, why can’t Mickey be my mommy?” You wanna know what I said to those kids? You wanna know what I said?
Michael Che: Not really, but I think you’re going to tell me.
Pauline: I said [sad music playing] I have given you kids every part of me. I’ve given you my blood, my sweat, my tears. I have given you my neck, my back. And as for my pushy and my crack, oho! You ripped those away from me a long time ago.
Michael Che: Oh, wait. Hold on! Where are your kids right now?
Pauline: Oh, check you out. Now you want to be worried about our kids?
Michael Che: Our kids?
Pauline: Yeah. CJ is starting to look just like you.
Michael Che: Who is CJ?
Pauline: Che Junior.
Michael Che: Wait a minute. His name is Che Jr. Che?
Pauline: Yes. Yes, it is. And when little CJ wanted a souvenir, I showed my breasts to Goofy for some Mardi Gras Beads in the French quarter. Turns out I ain’t have to do all that. They were complimentary.
Michael Che: Aw, Pauline, everybody!
Pauline: Who’s gonna fast pass me?