Another MasterClass Quarantine Edition

Phoebe Waller-Bridge, Britney Spears… Chloe Fineman

John Mulaney… Melissa Villasenor

[Starts with MasterClass intro]

Male voice: MasterClass Quarantine Edition is back with even more classes from your favorite famous people. Classes like, Phoebe Waller-Bridge teaches journaling.

Chloe: Hello, you cheeky little birds. I don’t know why I said that. I’m Chloe. And since this started, I have won two Emmy’s. No, I haven’t. But I might.

[Break message reads “Meet your new instructor.”]

I keep all sorts of journals. One for violent female rage. Oh, I agree. [showing a journal] And this one is full of my naughty little secrets. [trying to open it] It’s a bit sticky. Can’t open it.

[Break message reads “Get inside her mind.”]

Even if you’re not writing anything, you can look up from your journal with a cheeky little grin and play mind games with your partner. Oh! I know.

You can find inspiration anywhere. Like, your twerty little neighbor.

[talking to neighbor] Oh, hello. [talking to the camera] She hates me.

[reading her journal] Ha-ha-ha. I can’t believe I said that.

It was a cheesy, drippy, slutty little tart of the pizza. I’m Chloe and this is my MasterClass. Fancy!

Male voice: And John Mulaney teaches suits.

[Cut to John Mulaney]

Melissa: Okay, that will be all. Oh, hello there. I’m standup comedian John Mulaney. And this is my MasterClass on how to master [holds his tie] class.

[Break message reads “Meet your new instructor.”]

This suit is ideal if the vibe you’re going for is precocious kids who is asking all the wrong questions at this funeral.

[Break message reads “You’ll never stop learning.”]

You’re gonna have to decide whether you’re the type of person that’s gonna button up or button down. But I have to button up because I have no chest hair.

[Break message reads “Get the tricks of the trade.”]

Don’t you even think about leaving your tie loose. Tuck that in. Don’t be a monster. Oh, you’re looking sharp, John. And now you’re ready to hang out in your house coz we have nowhere to go.

[Break message reads “Pursue your passion.”]

Go, apply for the job and tell me thanks when you get it.

Male voice: And of course, Britney Spears teaches something.

[Cut to Britney Spears in her home]

Britney Spears: I’ve been in quarantine for five years now. And that’s okay because all my favorite stuff is here.

[Break message reads “Meet your new instructor.”] [singing] Oops, I burned my gym down. So now, I exercise outside. When I’m looking for a creative outlet, sometimes I’ll paint, sometimes I’ll post. And I’m skinny as a needle. My loneliness is literally saving me.

The thing that helps me most in quarantine is being rich.

[Break message reads “We paid her too much for this.”]

During this time of Corona disease, we have to stay safe. My prayer is with you. I’m Britney Spears and this is my Master School.

Male voice: MasterClass, Quarantine Edition.

Weekend Update Home Edition- Pete Davidson on Hooking Up During Quarantine

Colin Jost

Pete Davidson

[Starts with Colin Jost in his home.]

Colin Jost: And now, joining us over Zoom to explain his experience in the last month is Pete Davidson.

Pete Davidson: Thanks, Colin. It’s great to be here in my basement under strict quarantine. I’m not going near my mom or even answering her texts.

Colin Jost: That’s great. How are you guys holding up?

Pete Davidson: We’re good. You know, I haven’t gotten a face tattoo so far. A lot of people lost that bet. But we’re good, you know? The whole family’s family. Thank god everybody’s staying inside.

Colin Jost: Oh, good. Well, I’m glad they’re taking it seriously.

Pete Davidson: Well, me too, coz you have to understand this is Staten Island where up until now, washing your hands before dinner was known as “coming out of the closer.” But I know this is hard for everyone except you. You know, coz you’re locked in a house with Scarlett Johansson. You’re probably terrified they’re find the cure.

Colin Jost: It’s not true, Pete.

Pete Davidson: I know. I know. But still, you’re one of the lucky ones. You know? Everyone who isn’t a flat Earther is isolating at home right now. Which means you’re either having the most sex in your life or you’re like me and can now identify any pornstar by the back of her head. But it turns out people out there are still trying to hook up. I saw where the city even had to put out a pamphlet last month called “Sex and coronavirus 2019.”

Colin Jost: And what does it say?

Pete Davidson: Well, first it says you could have sex, but don’t kiss anyone. I just love that New York has the same policy as the prostitute in “The pretty woman.” I don’t even know if it’s about the disease or if it’s the city saying, “Don’t get involved. You don’t need that right now.” That’s how crazy this pandemic is. We’re learning that those weirdos who have sex in leather masks have been the smart ones all along. Also, it says the virus is not in semen. So, ladies, prepared to get DM’ed that fact a few thousand times this year. But the craziest thing is that right after they tell you not to kiss, they immediately get into something so dirty, I’m not even allowed to say it on air. So, let’s call em’ “Hiney smoocheroos.” Seriously, I can’t believe I have to sanitize the language of the health department to make it suitable for the show that brought you dick in a box. Here, take a look.

[A picture of the pamphlet appears]

Colin Jost: Oh my god. What?

Pete Davidson: I know. Even I was like, “Geez, nyc.gov, we just met.” I really hope this started out as a very straight forward set of recommendations with no mention of hiney smoocheroos and one government employee was like, “Oh, so I guess we just don’t exist, huh? It’s 2020, you  polyannas!”

Colin Jost: “Polyannas” is not the reference that I expected.

Pete Davidson: I know.

Colin Jost: Was there anything else in there?

Pete Davidson: Yes, yes. They also warn you to wash up before masturbating. Which I already learned the hard way, thanks to a flaming hot cheetos incident.

Colin Jost: So, do you think the pamphlet went too far?

Pete Davidson: No. I’m glad they’re educating people about safe sex. I just never thought I’d get a semi reading dispatches from the health department. Thanks de Blasio.

Colin Jost: Well, I’m glad you’re staying safe. Pete Davidson, everyone!

Pete Davidson: It’s weird without an audience!

Quarantine Delivery

Ego Nwodim

[Starts with Ego Nwodim in her house]

Ego: Hey, guys. I’m back. And is it just me or is quarantine actually kind of fun? I am loving finding you brilliant ways to be resourceful while lockdown. So, if You don’t have disinfectant wipes or alcohol or bleach, how do you disinfect the packages that come in to your house from say, Amazon? I’ve got the perfect solution for you.

[wears surgical gloves]

We got gloves. And again, if you don’t have gloves, you can always wash your hands after following the steps in this video. In fact, even if you do have gloves, you should wash you hands. Then, your gloves are on, you wanna retrieve the package. [doorbell ringing] He’s out there and he’s covered in germs.

[showing the package] Got my Amazon package. I would tell you what’s in it but it’s none of your business. Then, after you have your gloves on, you’re gonna want packing tape. Just hang on to that, put it over to the side. You can actually use any kind of tape. Packing tape, I like how wide it is. It’s one of the wider tapes. I feel like duct tape would be as effective. So, if that’s what you got, use your duct tape. Then, you’re gonna want to take a writing implement, piece of paper, any piece of paper, kind of large is better, and write “This is trash!!!” Take your tape, stick it to your package and put it outside. You know, it could say anything. You know, it could say, “I don’t want this. It has germs on it.” Return to sender. Burn this! The whole thing is to get that box out of your house coz it’s covered in germs.

Quarantine QT

Ego Nwodim

[Starts with Ego Nwodim teaching how to makeup]

Ego Nwodim: I’m gonna show you guys how to make it work for the quarantine. So, first thing you’re gonna wanna do is– probably have one of these on you. If you don’t have one of these, chances are you have like, some version of it.

[Ego Nwodim pulls out something like black marker.]

Black crayola marker. You know, you wanna do your brows because that’s what will frame your face.

[Ego Nwodim puts on marker on her brows very badly. It’s good thick and bad.]

Thick is in right now. In lieu of blush, I got this crayola in red, rojo road. Yeah.

[Ego Nwodim puts on the marker on her cheeks. It’s too red for her cheeks. It just looks like she’s doodling on her face.]

Just like, a little bit on your cheek bones. kind of get that apple of your cheeks. I’m running low.

Then you’re probably gonna wanna do a lip. I am kind of feeling like something bold just because things are hard and everyone’s probably again, tired of seeing heir bare face. [pulls out a marker] I’ve got this in violet. OKay? [Ego Nwodim puts on the marker on her lips. It looks horrible.] All this stuff is probably still available on amazon. Like, people are buying like, cleaning supplies and hand sanitizer and whatever. But chances are you can get couple of these.

It’s not as bold as I’d like. So, what I’m gonna do is mix it with this blue azul. I kind of like to keep it lighter near the middle of the lip. And then you’re gonna want to do a highlight.

[Ego Nwodim puts on yello marker on her cheeks]

So, you’re gonna wanna do a highlight right in this region. And just a little highlight on your chin. And you’re done. Facetime ready for the quarantine in case you run out of your makeup. Yeah, guys. I hope this adds a little bit of joy to your lives. I hope I’ve kind of made this whole quarantine thing easier for you. I don’t feel like, you wanna do too much. You just want to keep it natural, have people thinking like, “This is a chill everyday vibe.” So, anyway. Thanks guys. Don’t forget to wash your hands. And stay the hell inside.