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Please Don’t Destroy – Rami Wants a Treat

Rami Malek

Ben Marshall

John Higgins

Martin Herlihy

[Starts with three writers just chatting in their office on Thursday night]

Ben Marshall: One of them is like, a horse.

John Higgins: Um, it can be fun.

[door knocking] [Assistant walks in]

Assistant: Hey, you guys ready to meet with Rami?

Ben Marshall: Yeah, send him in. Totally.

Rami Malek: What’s up, fellas?

Ben Marshall: Have a seat.

Martin Herlihy: Pretty good.

John Higgins: Hey, buddy. How’s it going?

Rami Malek: Good. How you doing?

Ben Marshall: Good. Good. First time hosting SNL. How’s it going?

Martin Herlihy: Exciting, right?

Rami Malek: I’m almost through the first week.

John Higgins: Yeah.

Rami Malek: And the whole time, I feel like I’ve been on good behavior.

John Higgins: Yeah, dude. You’ve been killing it.

Martin Herlihy: Yeah.

Rami Malek: So, it feels like I deserve a treat.

[Ben Marshall, John Higgins and Martin Herlihy are confused]

Martin Herlihy: Um, what’s that?

Rami Malek: A treat, for being on good behavior. You know, like a cookie or a toy.

Ben Marshall: Oh, yeah.

Rami Malek: It just feels like, if there’s no reward, I mean, why should I be on good behavior at all? [looks deadly at Ben Marshall]

John Higgins: Um, that’s a good question.

Ben Marshall: Oh, yeah. How about my mousepad?

John Higgins: Ben’s Mouse pad. It can be fun, right?

Rami Malek: Yeah. I’ll put that in my house.

John Higgins: Yeah. Hey, we have this idea for you–

Rami Malek: I’d like another treat.

Martin Herlihy: Man, I don’t know if we have more treats for you.

John Higgins: Seriously, dude.

Rami Malek: Fine. Well, in that case, I guess I’ll just be on bad behavior.

[Rami Malek knocks a drink off of their table]

Ben Marshall: What?

Martin Herlihy: Are you kidding me, Mr. Robot?

John Higgins: Come on, man.

[Rami Malek is pointing at a Redbull can]

Ben Marshall: Rami, no. no.

[Rami Malek knocks the can off the table]

John Higgins: Oh my god.

[Rami Malek opens the fridge]

Ben Marshall: Don’t go in the fridge.

Rami Malek: Is this your food?

John Higgins: Do not touch that tortellini–

[Rami Malek throws the sandwich into garbage can]

Martin Herlihy: Oh my god.

Rami Malek: I want more treat.

Martin Herlihy: Uh-uh, Rami.

[Rami Malek just starts throwing everything into the garbage can]

John Higgins: I could hit him.

Martin Herlihy: You promised never.

Rami Malek: A song can be a treat.

Martin Herlihy: A song?

Ben Marshall, John Higgins and Martin Herlihy: [singing] I know when that hotline bling
that can only mean one thing

[Rami Malek starts vandalizing the place]

John Higgins: Rami, I’m going to freak out. No!

Martin Herlihy: Be careful, do not touch the roof.

Rami Malek: Give me more treat.

Martin Herlihy: Oh, sure. I’ll give you a treat. [pulls out a gun] I’ll give you a one way trip to hell.

Ben Marshall: Martin, no.

Martin Herlihy: No, I’m thinking about it. I’m honestly thinking about it.

[Rami Malek is staring at a laptop]

John Higgins: No! No! No!

[Rami Malek is ready to throw the laptop]

Ben Marshall: Why are you acting like this?

Rami Malek: Because I’m scared. SLN is almost over. And after this, I’m gonna have to go out into the real world .

Martin Herlihy: Rami, sweetheart, you’re gonna do great.

Rami Malek: But I’m really gonna miss you guys.

John Higgins: You’re gonna make so many new friends.

Ben Marshall: And we’ll still be here for you. So, what do you say you just–

[Rami Malek hits the laptop on the table and storms out]

John Higgins: Oh come on! Man!

Martin Herlihy: I should have shot him.

Weekend Update- Financial Expert Lloyd Ostertag on Cryptocurrency

Michael Che

Lloyd Ostertag… Elon Musk

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Well, it was another great week for investors with the stock market reaching record highs and crypto currency continuing to boom, here to explain crypto currency is Weekend Update financial expert, Lloyd Ostertag.

[Lloyd Ostertag slides in] [cheers and applause]

Lloyd Ostertag: Thank you, Michael. Call me the Doge father.

Michael Che: Okay, Doge father. [cheers and applause] Hang on. I got to ask you something. For our viewers who may not know anything about this, what are crypto currencies?

Lloyd Ostertag: They’re type of digital money but instead of being controlled by central government, they’re decentralized using blockchain technology. And lately, prices have been soaring for cryptos like Bitcoin, Etherium and specially Dogecoin.

Michael Che: Oh, right. Now, what is Dogecoin?

Lloyd Ostertag: Well, it actually started as a joke based on an internet meme. But now it’s taken off in a very real way.

Michael Che: Okay. But what is Dogecoin?

Lloyd Ostertag: Well, it was created in 2013 and has a circulating supply of 117 billion coins of which 113 billion have already been mined.

Michael Che: Alright, cool. So, what is Dogecoin?

Lloyd Ostertag: Yeah, like I said, it’s a digital currency.

Michael Che: Like, for instance, [pulls out a dollar bill] this is a dollar, right? It’s real.

Lloyd Ostertag: Sort of.

Michael Che: Yeah. So, what is Dogecoin?

Lloyd Ostertag: It’s about as real as that dollar.

Michael Che: Hey, Colin, are you making any sense of this?

Colin Jost: I’ve actually been reading a lot about it. Yes. And I’m trying to diversify my investment portfolio. My question is, what is Dogecoin?

Lloyd Ostertag: I’m glad you asked.

Michael Che: Still a question.

Lloyd Ostertag: Well, it’s a future of currency. It’s an unstoppable financial vehicle that’s going to take over the world.

Michael Che: I get that. But what is it, man?

Lloyd Ostertag: I keep telling you, it’s a crypto currency you can trade for conventional money.

Michael Che: Oh! So, it’s a hustle.

Lloyd Ostertag: Yeah, it’s a hustle.

Michael Che: Why didn’t you say that, man? Doge Father, everybody.

Lloyd Ostertag: To the moon!

Weekend Update- Baby Yoda on Star Wars Day Celebrations

Michael Che

Baby Yoda… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Well, this past Tuesday was May the 4th, aka Star Wars Day. Here to share his thoughts on what Star Wars means to him is star of the Mandalorian, Baby Yoda.

[Baby Yoda slides in] [cheers and applause]

Baby Yoda: [shouting] Whoa! This side, say what? This side, say what?

Michael Che: Whoa! That’s some great energy, Baby Yoda. Happy Star Wars Day. How did you celebrate?

Baby Yoda: Let’s see. I smoked weed and took pills because I’m not like a nerd. You know, I really love the fans. And I actually think they’re cool. [looks at Michael Che and shakes his head no]

Michael Che: Yeah, I think I got it. Thanks for being here. You’re looking pretty jacked. I mean, have you been working out?

Baby Yoda: Oh, yeah. I’ve been hitting the gym. You know, getting my sets in. Yeah. And actually, I’d like to take this opportunity to announce I’m dedicating my life to MMA style fighting.

Michael Che: Wow, really?

Baby Yoda: Yeah. I got the bug. Big trade, holler at my boys, Jake and Logan Paul. They got to be eating right, getting on that treadmill and taking a significant amount of performance-enhancing drugs.

Michael Che: Come on, man.

Baby Yoda: Ay, look what I can, Che. [punching] Pop! Pop! Pop! Pop! At the end of the day, get me against the ropes, I can hit them with “I’m just a baby”, Blap! Bye-bye.

Michael Che: Wow, man. I’m really happy for you.

Baby Yoda: Yeah, man. My life is a movie right now. I’m doing the fighting. I got a great group of friends. And we all young, horny and famous.

Michael Che: Okay. So, who are you friends?

Baby Yoda: So, it’s me, Chalamet, cousin Greg, the kid from Anari, and of course, Lightening McQueen from Cars. These are all designated driver. Wink!

Michael Che: See, okay, I don’t love that.

Baby Yoda: No, you do. And if you don’t, I’ll be like, Pop! Pop! Pop! Pop! Come on, Che. You can’t do nothing. I’ve got that McDonald’s money.

Michael Che: McDonald’s? We don’t know what you’re talking about.

Baby Yoda: Alright. Yes. So, McDonald’s is doing this limited edition Baby Yoda meal. Yeah, it’s a quarter pounder, small soda, two big ass eggs, and a little baggie of MDMA.

Michael Che: Oh my god. Is that supposed to be good for you?

Baby Yoda: Hhhhhhhhhhhhell yeah!

Michael Che: You need to relax.

Baby Yoda: Not really. But one last thing. June 23rd, Ceasars palace, pay-per-view, me and Baby Groot, hand to hand in a little ass ring. 0-0. Baby Groot, I look forward to seeing you. I know it’s for charity, but I do intend to end your life that night. I will kill you. And I will enjoy it.

Michael Che: Alright! Baby Yoda, everybody.

Weekend Update- A Weary Mother in Her Darkest Hour on Disney’s Reopening

Michael Che

Pauline… Ego Nwodim

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: After being closed more than a year, Disney Land reopened last week and here to talk about her experience is Pauline, a weary mother in her darkest hour.

[Pauline slides in]

Pauline: Oh, Michael, Michael, Michael.

Michael Che: Hey, how are you doing, Pauline? So, you must feel good. You just got on the happiest place on earth.

Pauline: The happiest place on earth? For who? I am not happy. No, no, no. I am tired. I stood in line for two hours in Splash mountain so I could sit my haggard ass in a log flume only to have that very flume break down. Well, Mr. Splash Mountain, you don’t think I want to break down sometimes doing all I do for these kids? Well, I do. You want to know the difference between me and you, Mr. Splash Mountain? I don’t get to break down. I just keep on getting my back blown out.

Michael Che: Alright. That sounds like a very different thing. But I hear you. I understand.

Pauline: Then I stood up to see I had been sitting in an inch of foul Disney water. Spent the rest of the day looking like I pee’d my pants. Sitting in my wet pants, eating a slice of pizza as thick as a book. That park ain’t right, Michael. That park is not right.

Michael Che: Alright. What did your kids think about being back at the park?

Pauline: Why does everything have to be about kids? I used to be a little sexual thing, Michael. I did. You know, men used to buy me appetizers. Multiple appetizers. I was somebody. Now I’m dragging babies from Jungle Cruise to Sleeping Beauty’s castle. Sleeping Beauty? Why is that hussy so tired? She don’t have kids. I could be pretty too. But I sleep on my feet like a horse.

Michael Che: Yes. I’m sure your kids appreciate your sacrifice. I mean, did they have fun at least?

Pauline: I don’t know. You tell me. They spent the whole day moaning and groaning, “Mommy, I wanna meet Mickey. Mommy, I want a hug from Mickey. Mommy, why can’t Mickey be my mommy?” You wanna know what I said to those kids? You wanna know what I said?

Michael Che: Not really, but I think you’re going to tell me.

Pauline: I said [sad music playing] I have given you kids every part of me. I’ve given you my blood, my sweat, my tears. I have given you my neck, my back. And as for my pushy and my crack, oho! You ripped those away from me a long time ago.

Michael Che: Oh, wait. Hold on! Where are your kids right now?

Pauline: Oh, check you out. Now you want to be worried about our kids?

Michael Che: Our kids?

Pauline: Yeah. CJ is starting to look just like you.

Michael Che: Who is CJ?

Pauline: Che Junior.

Michael Che: Wait a minute. His name is Che Jr. Che?

Pauline: Yes. Yes, it is. And when little CJ wanted a souvenir, I showed my breasts to Goofy for some Mardi Gras Beads in the French quarter. Turns out I ain’t have to do all that. They were complimentary.

Michael Che: Aw, Pauline, everybody!

Pauline: Who’s gonna fast pass me?

 

Post-Quarantine Conversation

Kate Mckinnon

Beck Bennett

Chris Redd

Ego Nwodim

Heidi Gardner

Elon Musk

Andrew Dismukes

[Starts with show intro]

Female voice: And now, every conversation with people you haven’t seen since quarantine started.

[Cut to people at a party. Kate walks to Beck.]

Kate: Hey.

Beck: Hi.

Kate: Good to see you. It’s been– Well, it’s been since before quarantine.

Beck: Yes. Totally. How– How was it?

Kate: Um, yeah, it was okay. Considering. It was okay.

Beck: Yeah.

Kate thinking to herself: Who the fuck is this? Is this a person I know?

Beck: It’s such a weird time. But things seem to be opening up again. Fingers crossed.

[both laughing]

Beck thinking to himself: Who the hell is this woman? Is she my wife’s friend? Or do our kids go to school together?

[Cut to Chris and Ego chatting on a sofa]

Chris: It’s such a crazy time right now. What’s summer even going to be like?

Ego: I know, right? Like, will people travel and do stuff?

Chris: I will get on a plane with you right now.

[both laughing]

Chris thinking to himself: Is she my cousin? Hope I’m not flirting with someone that might be my cousin.

Ego thinking to herself: He remembers he’s my cousin, right? And how many times can a person say, “it’s such a crazy time right now”?

Chris: It’s such a crazy time right now.

[Cut to Heidi and Elon chatting]

Heidi: So, did you travel at all?

Elon: No. You?

Heidi: No.

Elon: Cool.

Heidi thinking to herself: Is this really a conversation?

Elon thinking to himself: I think this is going pretty well.

[Cut to Kate and Beck]

Beck: And how was your quarantine?

Kate: You asked me that already. But you know, it was okay. Some ups and downs.

Kate thinking to herself: Ups and downs? You stabbed your husband with a screwdriver. You won’t finish the bookshelf and you stabbed him. You don’t even own books.

Kate: But I’m sure we all went through some stuffs.

Beck: Totally.

Beck thinking to himself: It affected me zero.

Beck: But I think I’m just going to be extra cautious for the rest of my life, you know?

[Beck wipes his noes, grabs some snakes with the same hand, eats the snacks and licks his finger.] [Cut to Heidi and Elon]

Elon: Which vaccine did you get?

Heidi: I got Pfizer.

Elon: I got Mederna.

Heidi: Nice.

Heidi thinking to herself: A question that leads nowhere. It’s like asking, “Are you more tylenol or advil”?

Elon thinking to himself: Let me guess. The second dost knocked her out for BeckEgo hours.

Heidi: The second dose knocked me out for about BeckEgo hours.

Elon: Well, it sounds like a unique experience you need to tell everyone about.

Elon thinking to himself: Oh, shit! I said that out loud. Quick laugh so that she knows you’re kidding.

[Elon starts laughing, and Heidi follows]

Heidi thinking to herself: I’ll fucking kill you.

[Cut to Chris and Ego]

Chris: I got that Johnson&Johnson baby, one and done.

Ego: And now you’re totally safe.

[Cut to Kate and Beck]

Beck: Quarantine was good though?

Kate: No.

Beck: Great.

Kate: But recently I have been going to dinner again.

Kate thinking to herself: Did I just say “I’ve been doing to dinner again”? Should I give him more details or should I die?

Beck: I went to one dinner outdoors and one dinner indoors.

Beck thinking to himself: Do I have brain damage? I think I might have permanent brain damage.

[Cut to Heidi and Elon]

Heidi: How is your wife?

Elon: Oh, really good. We’ve been working from home, so we’re really productive and we get to see each other more.

Elon thinking to himself: We’re getting divorced and I’m losing my job.

[Cut to Kate and Beck]

Kate: Anyway, so great to see you.

Beck: So fine catching up.

Beck thinking to himself: I will never see this woman again.

Kate thinking to herself: I will make it a post quarantine goal to never talk to this man again for the rest of my life.

Beck: Come here.

[Beck tries to hug Kate but Kate refuses]

Beck: We’re bros.

Kate: Okay.

[Cut to Heidi and Elon]

Heidi: It was really great talking to you.

Elon: Me too.

Heidi: Me too.

Elon: It’s great.

Heidi: Yes.

[both runs to opposite direction] [Cut to Chris and Ego]

Chris: Hey, this was lot of fun.

Ego: Yeah. [Chris leans to kiss Ego] What are you doing?

Chris: What?

Ego: You’re my cousin.

Chris: What? Oh, nah! I totally forgot.

Chris thinking to himself: I almost got away with it.

[Andrew walks in]

Andrew: Hey, everyone. A toast to Mark for getting us all back together.

[everybody raising glass but confused]

Andrew thinking to himself: Oh, shit, this is a wrong house.