Weekend Update: Opera Man Returns | Season 44 Episode 19

Colin Jost

Opera man… Adam Sander

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set]

Colin Jost: After a very long absence, here once again to look at people and places in the news, it’s Weekend Update’s Opera man.

[Music plays] [Opera man joins] [Opera man is waving a scarf]

Opera Man: [There’s a picture of Game of Thrones logo at left top corner]

Game of Thrones-Ah, almost finito
molto exciting, edge of my seat-o
we can’t wait for final show-ah
so we can cancel our HBO-ah

[Picture changes to a horse race]

Kentucky derby very fasto
one in first and one in lasto
winning horse is magnifioso
losing horse is delicioso

[Picture changes to James Harden]

Beard man. He cry-o
Draymond poke him in eye-o
He say beardie kicks [Picture changes to Kevin Durant] Just wait ’til Durant comes to the Knicks! [Cheers and applaud] [Picture changes to cover poster of the movie ‘Long Shot’]

Pretty lady, goofy man-ah
Opera man no understand-ah
silly face but still he score-ah
where have I seen this before-ah? [Picture changes to Adam Sandler movies with pretty ladies]

Come on man! Let’s go man!

[Picture changes to Kamala Harris and Kirsten Gillibrand] Kamala, Gillibrand
[Picture changes to Amy Klobuchar and Elizabeth Warren] Klobuchar, Warren
They have slim chance-o
they no wear pants-o

[Picture changes to Cory Booker, Pete Buttigieg and Beto o’Rourke]

Cory, Pete and Beto
Will have to wait-o
Here we go again
[Picture changes to Joe Biden and Bernie Sanders] Seventy year old men

[Picture changes to Joe Biden getting close to different women]

Gropa gropa, Sniffa sniffa
young or olda, make no diffa
Joe for this you, won’t go far-o
to win white house, you need to bang porn star-o [Picture changes to Stormy Daniels] [Picture changes to William Barr]

Where did Barr go?
He did not show
Check every single Wendy’s!

[Picture changes to Donald Trump] Trumpa, Dumpa, Trumpa, Dumpa
I make-a the wall
I playa the golf
and they take-a the fall

Trumpa, Dumpa, Trumpa, Dumpa
They afraid to impeach
I get to make-a the wall
And Putin make me his beetch

[Picture changes to Opera man from many years ago]

So very long since I’ve been around-ah
24 years and 24 pounds-ah
so glad to be back
now I get a snack

Opera man 

bye-bye!

[People start throwing roses] [Colin and Michael join the Opera man]

Colin Jost: Opera man, everyone. Opera Man. For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Good night.

Weekend Update: Senator Elizabeth Warren on College Debt Forgiveness | Season 44 Episode 19

Colin Jost

Elizabeth Warren… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set.]

Colin Jost: Senator Elizabeth Warren recently unveiled the plan to eliminate student loan debt and make public colleges free. Here to comment is Senator Elizabeth Warren.

[Senator Elizabeth Warren joins]

Elizabeth Warren: All right. Hi, Colin. I’m so glad to be here. Hey, how are you?

Colin Jost: Okay. So senator, you rolled out some very ambitious new plans.

Elizabeth Warren: Oh, yeah. I guess.

[Cut to Elizabeth]

I guess I’m setting myself apart from the other candidates by saying what I’m going to do and how I’m going to do it. Whoa, what a crackpot idea.

[Cut to Colin and Elizabeth]

Colin Jost: Yes, yes. Well, people have been very excited about your college debt plan.

Elizabeth Warren: Oh, you’re damn right, Colin.

[Cut to Elizabeth]

When I went to college in Oklahoma, it was affordable. It cost $2.5 a semester. My dorm was an empty grain silo. And I got a scholarship for playing varsity hoop and stick. Look, College debt forgiveness is essential. I wish I could be forgiven for what I did in college. But that squirrel family was there, and I already had a broth going.

[Cut to Colin and Elizabeth]

Colin Jost: All right. Well–

Elizabeth Warren: We fought.

Colin Jost: Yeah, sounds like you really valued education.

Elizabeth Warren: Of course, I do. You know, all I ever wanted was to be was a teacher, [Cut to Elizabeth] because back then smart girls could be three things. A teacher, a nurse who gets kissed on the street by a soldier, or a dead mother of eight.

[Cut to Colin and Elizabeth]

Colin Jost: And do you think that all of your proposals are going to help set you apart from some of these other candidates?
Elizabeth Warren: Well, I sure hope so. Look, Colin, [Cut to Elizabeth] I mean, what a frickin clown car I found myself in. I’m over here working round the clock to give you free college but look at that, beto o’dork did parkour in a Starbucks. Wow. Whoops, I just figured out university pre-k, but what’s that over there, mayor Pete Bugugagudiguge playing piano and speaking fluent Klingon. I know as a democrat I’m not supposed to say this, but speak English. Frick!

[Cut to Colin and Elizabeth]

We’re going to have a fight.

Colin Jost: No, no. Settle down, Senator. And now, what about now that Joe Biden is now officially running too?

Elizabeth Warren: Oh, yeah. Great! Everyone make room for good old Joe, the Amtrak masseuse. What a hero.

[Cut to Elizabeth]

Look, Colin, if I lose, I’ma still be fighting in the US senate and where will old Joe be? Sitting on Rehoboth beach, reading a Tom Clancy novel, picking salt water taffy out of his veneers.

[Cut to Colin and Elizabeth]

And that’s a fight. That’s a good fight.

Colin Jost: And senator, you were also the first candidate to call for Trump’s impeachment.

Elizabeth Warren: Look, duh, Colin, okay. ‘Cause nobody’s above the law.

[Cut to Elizabeth]

Impeachment is this guy’s middle name. That and jackass. But all the other democrats are still concerned with decorum. It’s like the Titanic is sinking, and we’re politely waiting in line for the bathroom. Who cares? Just go ahead, America, stick your ass over the rail and go.

[Cut to Colin and Elizabeth]

Colin Jost: Elizabeth Warren, everyone.

Elizabeth Warren: I will be VP. Thank you, sir.

Weekend Update: Moby’s Trump Confession | Season 44 Episode 19

Michael Che

Colin Jost

[Starts with Michael Che in his set. There are pictures of bugs at right top corner]

Michael Che: Scientists are saying that in order to meet the world’s demand for meat, they are exploring the possibility of eating maggots, locusts, and other bugs, or and hear me out, salad. Eat a salad.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There are pictures of Donald Trump and Moby at left top corner]

Colin Jost: In an upcoming book, singer Moby claims that at a party he once knob touched Donald Trump. Which is when you take out your penis and you brush it up against another person. Moby’s book is titled, “Stories no one wants.”

[The picture changes to HBO Game of Thrones bumper]

The battle Winterfell episode on Game of Thrones has been become the most watched program ever in HBO’s history with more than 17 million viewers, all using the same ten HBO go passwords.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is picture of Pope Francis at right top corner]

Michael Che: Pope Francis met with more than 200 Italian catholic hairstylists and warned them about the temptation of gossip in beauty salons. Especially when that gossip is, “Did you hear what happened to those altar boys?”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of soap at left top corner]

Colin Jost:  Police in Pennsylvania are searching for a man who stole more than $200 worth of soap and crab-meat, which coincidentally are the exact ingredients in Peeps.

[Picture changes to Mark Zuckerberg]

Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg posted that he’s created a sleep box which helps his wife with insomnia by staying dark through the night and then lightning up when it’s time for her to wake up. That story again, Mark Zuckerberg makes his wife sleep in a coffin.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is picture of a news saying ‘Woman stung 20 times on head’ at right top corner]

Michael Che: An Arizona woman suffered more than 200 bee stings after a heavy wind blew a beehive on her head. But tragically, no one filmed it.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of Applebee’s drink at left top corner]

Colin Jost:  I got to follow that? For the entire month of May, Applebee’s is serving a margarita for $1 called the dollar-rita, after which you’re guaranteed to come down with a case of dollar-rhea.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of jelly fish at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Scientists have discovered a new species of Jellyfish with a transient anus that appears only when it needs to expel waste and on its husband’s birthday.

Weekend Update: William Barr’s Senate Testimony | Season 44 Episode 19

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Narrator” It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. [Cut to Colin. There’s a picture of Steven Cohen eating a fried chicken in conference at left top corner] Well, this Thursday in congress was ‘Take your chicken to work’ day. What happened was Attorney General William Barr refused to show up for a congressional hearing because I guess our country just has no rules anymore. So, democrat Steve Cohen brought in a prop chicken in a bucket of KFC to make the hilarious and subtle point that Barr is a chicken. Yeah, it was awful. You know who hated it, the other people in the room who had to smell and watch an old man go to town on a bucket of chicken at 9 in the morning. Think about the poor intern who had to go find a KFC at dawn to order a 12-piece bucket and then be like, “Oh, no, it’s for my boss, he’s a congressman.”

[Cut to Michael. There’s a picture of Jerrold Nadler at right top corner]

Michael Che: House judiciary chairman Jerrold Nadler said that if the justice department doesn’t hand over the unredacted Mueller report by Monday, he will initiate contempt proceedings against Barr. Man, just steal the damn report. Why is this so complicated? They found 30,000 of Hillary’s deleted emails, I’m sure you can find a bootleg copy of that Mueller report somewhere. Why do they keep trying to play by the rules with this guy? Democrats deal with [Picture changes to Donald Trump] Trump like white parents deal with screaming kids at supermarkets. Trump’s just kicking over pickle jars and knocking over boxes. And they’re like, “I’m going to count to 40, mister.”

[Cut to Colin. There’s a picture of Jerrold Nadler at left top corner] Colin Jost: Congressman Nadler, who was recently unmasked by the Scooby-Doo gang, criticized William Barr for skipping his testimony, saying Mr. Barr’s moment of accountability will come soon enough. And just for reference, here’s a list of everyone democrats have held accountable since Trump got elected.

[Cut to a screen with title ‘Everyone democrats held accountable’] [Pop-rock music playing] [These names drop in the list: Scott Pruitt (sort of), Roseanne, That’s it!] [Cut to Colin. There’s a picture of Jerrold Nadler at left top corner.] [Colin is drinking his coffee.]

I thought it would be longer.

[Cut to Michael. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner] Michael Che: President Trump and several members of his family sued Deutsche Bank and Capital One to prevent them for answering a congressional subpoena for information about Trump’s finances. All right, fine. But what kind of billionaire banks with capital one? Could you imagine seeing Donald Trump balling out at a Bentley car dealership like, “Yeah, just put in my rewards card.” “Oh, you can’t, cause it over $2,000?” Well, okay, that sounds wild.

[Cut to Colin. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin at left top corner.] Colin Jost: Yesterday president Trump called Vladimir Putin and discussed the Mueller report, and here is how Trump described the call.

[Cut to video clip of Donald Trump’s speech]

Donald Trump: We discussed and he actually sort of smiled when he said something to the effect that it started off as a mountain and it ended up being a mouse.

[Cut to Colin. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.] Colin Jost:  Yeah, I don’t know if that metaphor is more confusing in Russian or in Trump’s English. Also, can we just hear that first part again?

[Cut to video clip of Donald Trump’s speech]

Donald Trump: He actually sort of smiled.

[Cut to Colin. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.] Colin Jost: He smiled through the phone? I don’t know, man. Just to sum up the state of our country right now, our president is hearing smiles. [Picture changes to a chicken statue on a conference desk] Our congress is talking to chickens. And the thing people seem angriest about is that [Picture changes to animated Sonic the Hedgehob] Sonic the Hedgehog has human teeth.

[Cut to Michael. There’s a picture of Bill De Blasio at right top corner] Michael Che: New York city mayor Bill De Blasio is expected to announce next week that he will be running for president. But since it’s De Blasio, he won’t be running nights or weekends.

Weekend Update: Disney’s New Streaming Service – SNL

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Disney+ on left top corner]

Colin Jost: Disney announced that in November it will launch its new streaming service called Disne+ as in you now have to get Disney + Hulu + Netflix + Amazon + a Play Station + cable. Even though at the end, you’ll say there’s nothing good on, let’s just watch Law and Order.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Kim Kardashian on right top corner]

Michael Che: Kim Kardashian revealed that she plans to take the bar exam and become a lawyer in three years. I think she can do it. I mean it only took Kanye a couple years to [Picture changes to Kanye wearing Trump hat] go to space. [Picture changes to Canada flag] A man in Canada is searching for the owner of a car he stole more than 20 years ago so that he can apologize and also return his son. It’s not real, guys.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of map pinned to Moscow on left top corner]

Colin Jost: A new study lists the best city in the US to raise a family as Moscow, Idaho while the worst is once again Handsy Uncle Maryland.

Michael Che: I know that place. [laughs]

Colin Jost: [The picture changes to an old movie Grease] Paramount has begun developing a new movie called summer nights, which will be a prequel to the classic movie Grease. A prequel that will finally explain why everyone in that high school was in their late 30s.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a dolphin on right top corner]

Michael Che: In a recent study, scientists created 3D scans of Dolphin vaginas and found that a Dolphin’s clitoris is remarkably similar to a human woman’s. Said the night janitor at Sea World. Well, I could have told you that.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of sliced meat on left top corner]

Colin Jost: A new study has found that one way to reduce greenhouse gas emissions caused by meat products is adopting a nose to tail diet of eating every part of the animal. Get ready for the all new McHoof. [Picture changes to McDonald’s burger having full animal leg]

Weekend Update: Nico Slobkin and Brie Bacardi on Picnics – SNL | Season 44 Episode 8

Michael Che

Nico Slobkin… Mikey Day

Brie Bacardi… Heidi Gardner

Colin Jost

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set]

Michael Che: It’s the first warm weekend in New York. Here with some romantic picnic tips Instagram couple Nico Slobkin and Brie Bacardi.

[Nico and Brie join Michael Che]

Nico Slobkin: Hey. What’s up man?

Brie Bacardi: Hi Michael.

Nico Slobkin: Jokes have been fire tonight man. Good job.

Michael Che: Thanks, man. So let’s hear these romantic picnic tips.

[Cut to Nico and Brie]

Brie Bacardi: Okay, so the key to perfect picnic is a pretty location.

Nico Slobkin: Yeah, last week Brie and I picnicked at the Superbloom in LA. Here’s a post.

[Cut to Instagram post of their picnic]

Brie Bacardi: It says, “He thinks the flowers looked prettier on me than in the earth. #superbloom #ashappyasdayone #flatearth”.

[Cut to Michael, Nico and Brie]

Michael Che: Wow, are you guys as in love in real life as you are in your pictures?

Brie Bacardi: Yes, [Cut to Nico and Brie] and people can tell because that’s our most liked photo to date.

Nico Slobkin: Oh, actually you’re wrong. She’s wrong. It’s actually our Disney land photo. That’s the most liked one.

Brie Bacardi: Okay, sorry, I’m wrong. [Acting annoyed] Sorry everyone. I guess I’m wrong.

Nico Slobkin: Okay. Are you mad?

Brie Bacardi: No.

Nico Slobkin: Okay. You seem mad.

Brie Bacardi: Okay. Well I’m not mad.

Nico Slobkin: Okay. Well you seem obviously mad.

Brie Bacardi: Nico, I literally don’t care. Drop it.

Nico Slobkin: [Mocking Brie] Drop it.

Brie Bacardi: Oh, is that how you think I talk?

Nico Slobkin: [Mocking Brie] Yes, when you get mad, you talk like that.

Brie Bacardi: [Pauses for a moment] Okay. Then I guess I’ll never talk again.

Nico Slobkin: [Tries to make up to Brie] No, baby. I’m sorry. What can I do? [Brie just shakes her head] What can I do? You want me to make you laugh? You want me to do Cartman? I’ll do the Cartman voice? [In Cartman voice] Cheesy poo!

Brie Bacardi: [Brie starts to laugh] Oh my god, that’s Cartman. Oh, that’s so fresh, baby.

Nico Slobkin: She loves it.

Brie Bacardi: I love you.

[Cut to Michael, Nico and Brie]

Nico Slobkin: I love you too, baby.

Michael Che: You good?

Brie Bacardi: Yeah, bulletproof Che. [Cut to Nico and Brie] So our next tip. Don’t forget to pack the rose because girls love the rose. Is that what your girlfriend drinks, Che?

[Cut to Michael, Nico and Brie]

Michael Che: I don’t have a girlfriend.

Brie Bacardi: What? [Brie touches Michael] You don’t have a girlfriend? That’s crazy.

Nico Slobkin: Well, let me know when you’re done hitting on Michael Che in front of me.

[Cut to Nico and Brie]

Brie Bacardi: Oh my god.

[Nico pulls his shirt up covering his face]

Nico Slobkin: I’ll be in here.

Brie Bacardi: Okay. And he’s got a shirt shield on.

Nico Slobkin: [Mocking Brie] Oh my god, Michael Che!

[Cut to Michael, Nico and Brie]

Brie Bacardi: Oh my god!

Nico Slobkin: [Mocking Brie] Oh my god, Michael Che!

[Cut to Nico and Brie]

Brie Bacardi: Were you not backstage when Emma Stone walked by and you’re like, “Oh, my gosh, she’s so pretty.” Your eyes went out of your head.

Nico Slobkin: Oh, I was like the mask? They were like ‘Ba-Doom!’

Brie Bacardi: Yes!

[Cut to Michael, Nico and Brie]

Nico Slobkin: [Mocking Brie] Oh my god, Michael Che!

Brie Bacardi: You know what, you’re embarrassing yourself.

[Cut to Nico and Brie]

Nico Slobkin: Really?

Brie Bacardi: Yes. We’re breaking up.

Nico Slobkin: We’re breaking up?

Brie Bacardi: Yes. For real.

Nico Slobkin: Great! Whoo! Freedom.

Brie Bacardi: Oh, you’re happy?

Nico Slobkin: Yeah.

Brie Bacardi: Cool. That’s good to know for the after-party because let’s see. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven. BTS will be there.

Nico Slobkin: [Mocking Brie] Yay.

Brie Bacardi: Oh, and Pete will be there. Cool. I’m good.

Nico Slobkin: [Mocking Brie] Whoo! Yay!

Brie Bacardi: Yes.

Nico Slobkin: Well, okay. So, it wouldn’t be the first time you made out with eight dudes in one night.

Brie Bacardi: Oh, my god.

Nico Slobkin: Yes, she did. She did.

Brie Bacardi: And it was on October fest.

Nico Slobkin: So? I cannot do this anymore. You’re driving me insane. I hate my life.

Brie Bacardi: Okay. Well, I’m pregnant.

Nico Slobkin: You know I hate when you do this. So, I’m going to ask you, are you lying?

Brie Bacardi: Yes.

Nico Slobkin: Oh, my god.

[Cut to everybody]

Michael Che: Nico and Bri, everybody.

Brie Bacardi: Our planet is flat.

Michael Che: For Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

Weekend Update: Julian Assange Arrested – SNL | Season 44 Episode 8

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Narrator: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their set]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. [Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Julian Assange at the left top corner] Wikileaks founder and reason I put take over my computer camera, Julian Assange, was arrested at the Ecuadorian Embassy in London and dude did not go quietly.

[Cut to video clips of Julian Assange getting arrested]

Julian Assange: The UK has no civility. They must resist.

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: That is not how you’re typically removed from an Embassy. That’s how you’re removed from the F Train. It was so satisfying to see and internet troll get dragged out into the sunlight. Like you can be lord of darkness on the internet, but when seven cops have you pinned to the sidewalk, you can’t be like, I summon the power of emails. Then when asked about Assange’s arrest, President Trump said this.

[Cut to video clip of Donald Trump’s interview]

Donald trump: I know nothing about wikileaks. It’s not my thing. I know there is something having to do with Julian Assange. I know nothing really about him. It’s not my—It’s not my deal in life.

[Cut to Colin Jost. The picture is now of Donald Trump.]

Colin Jost: What is your deal in life? I’m just genuinely curious since you brought it up. Also you cannot say that wikileaks is not your deal because at some point it was like your whole deal.

[Cut to different video clips of Donald Trump’s speeches]

Donald Trump: This wikileaks ins unbelievable. Boy, I love reading those wikileaks. This wikileaks is fascinating. It’s been amazing what’s coming out in wikileaks. I love wikileaks.

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: You’re more obsessed with wikileaks than this audience with [The picture changes to BTS] BTS.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner]

Michael Che: President Trump is considering releasing detained immigrants into sanctuary cities to send a message to democrats. What’s the message? Have some more voters? Yeah, man, that will show them. I don’t know how they’re going to handle a bunch of immigrants in a city like New York. You can’t scare us with more immigrants. That just means faster ubers and more elmos. Or maybe he should send immigrants to [Picture changes to New York city] New York. I know a huge building on fifth avenue where nobody wants to live anymore. [Picture changes to Trump Tower] [Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of US flag at left top corner]

Colin Jost: Just one day after Kristjen Nielsen resigned as head of Homeland Security, the White House says the Director of the Secret Service is leaving as well. So right now we have no secretary of Homeland Security, no Secretary of Defense, no Head of I.C.E., No head of the Secret Service, and no U.N. Ambassador. At this point our nation’s security is just one of those [Picture changes ring doorbell camera] ring doorbell cameras.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of Stephen Miller at right top corner]

Michael Che: Trump adviser Stephen Miller also wants to hold migrants seeking asylum in tent cities. Fun fact, tent city is also what Stephen Miller gets anytime a girl talks to him.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of calendar marked at 15 at left top corner]

Colin Jost: And this Monday is tax day. So, if you haven’t paid any taxes yet, you’re amazon.

Weekend Update Lori Loughlin’s College Admissions Scandal | Season 44 Episode 17

Michael Che

Colin Jost

[Starts with Michael Che. There’s a picture of Lori Loughlin at right top corner of the screen]

Michael Che: Lori Loughlin appeared in court to face charges that she bribed college officials. It’s amazed how people are so shocked by this story. Rich people have been finding loopholes to get their kids in college forever. For example Lacrosse. [Picture changes to a sports called Lacrosse] [Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Jim Carry and Benito Muse Owe Lean Knee at left top corner of the screen]

Colin Jost: Actor Jim Carry got into a twitter feud this week with the granddaughter of Benito Muse Owe Lean Knee because that’s just the kind of thing that happens now and we all have to accept it. News at this point is just a string of unrelated words like Elon Musk releases Harambe rap. Or this actual headline I read today, [Picture changes to a newspaper article] disabled chicken who survived weasel attack learning to walk, thanks to custom wheelchair. Guys, just eat the chicken.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Oreo at right top corner of the screen]

Michael Che: Oreo has introduced a new line of cookies inspired by ‘Game of Thrones’. I assume with the slogan Diabetes Is Coming. [Picture changes to a gay flag and a map of Wisconsin] A gay couple in Wisconsin says their landlord has threatened to evict them if they don’t take down their gay pride flag. And it’s truly shocking to me that in 2019 there are still gay people that haven’t left Wisconsin.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of marijuana at left top corner of the screen]

Colin Jost: A new study finds that marijuana resin sold on the streets of Madrid contains a dangerous amount of fecal matter. Begging the question, what’s a good amount? A group of people in England [Picture changes to logo of Star Wars] are organizing a ‘Star Wars’ themed orgy which is just an orgy where you find out the guy in the mask is actually your father.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Charmin logo at right top corner of the screen]

Michael Che: Charmin has introduced a new toilet paper called the Forever Roll which can last someone up to one month. We’ll see about that, said Chipotle.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a mountain at left top corner of the screen]

Colin Jost: And a woman who lost her son’s grover doll while climbing a mountain had it returned after another climber found it. But only after grover freed himself from a bolder by cutting off his own arm.

Weekend Update Joe Biden’s Inappropriate Touching | Season 44 Episode 17

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Narrator: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[Cut to Michael Che and Colin Jost in their news set]

Michael Che: What’s up, everybody.

Colin Jost: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at right top corner of the screen.] Four women have come forward claiming that Joe Biden touched them in ways that made them uncomfortable. And yeah, I can see that. He looks like one of the uncles that calls spring sundress time. It’s very disappointing, but older people in general have a problem with boundaries. There’s an old lady in my building who’s 75, and every time I see her she grabs my arm and says something dirty. It’s very uncomfortable. But I just let her because she’s hot.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at left top corner of the screen.]

Colin Jost: And then on Wednesday, Biden released a video responding to the allegations. And I’m not sure it helped.

[Cut to video clip of Joe Bidden’s response]

Joe Biden: In my career I try to make a human connection. That’s my responsibility I think. I shake hands, I hug people, I grab men by the shoulders and say you can do this.

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Yeah, so it was supposed to be an apology, not a reenactment. Also the look of the video is just so weird. Why is it shot vertically? It looks like something from a premium adults-only Snapchat. And of course nothing puts women at ease like a man on a leather couch who has already taken off his tie. You must as well end the video by him unbuttoning his shirt and saying, to find out what happens next log on to godaddy.com. Then a pro-Trump group said Biden’s behavior is unacceptable and should instantly disqualify him from running. The group’s name is Independent Republicans of New York, or I.R.O.N.Y.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Mueller report at right top corner of the screen.]

Michael Che: The house judiciary committee voted to subpoena the full un-redacted Mueller report from the white house. Man, I really wish I knew about redacting when I was in school. I probably would have graduated. I did my report, it’s just redacted right now. [Picture changes to Donald Trump] If Donald Trump stole the presidency, why don’t we just steal it back? If I was running for president, [Picture changes to Michael Che’s election poster] I would be in Putin’s DM’s right now negotiating. [Picture changes to Donald Trump] Why is everybody trying to play fair with this guy? Even the FBI. Oh, you didn’t find anything? Then plant it! You’re the FBI. Just turn off the body cam and put some crack in his shoes, man.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump’s wall visit at left top corner of the screen.]

Colin Jost: Yesterday President Trump visited replacement fencing at the US-Mexico border and he described it like this.

[Cut to video clip of Donald Trump’s interview]

Donald Trump: If you want to climb that, you deserve whatever you can get. But it’s a very, very hard—it’s call anti-climb.

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Yeah, somehow I don’t think it’s called anti-climb. Trump’s like, “Well, we started with a wall that was climb. [Picture changes to a picture of wall climbing with handles and bumps for holding and stepping on it] But then we took away the handy holds and the footy woots [The handles and bumps in the picture are now gone] and now it’s anti-climb.” Then Trump went on to say this.

[Cut to video clip of Donald Trump’s interview]

Donald Trump: So it’s a great wall and it looks—I think it looks fantastic. Very see-through so you’re able to see the other side, which is a very important element. Okay?

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I love that sassy “Okay”, that’s great. Trump’s describing the wall like he’s a hung-over tour guide, just trying to get through it. Well, okay, yes. We got the statue of liberty, [Picture changes to statue of liberty] she’s big, she’s green, she’s holding a light which I call anti-dark.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and avocados at right top corner of the screen.]

Michael Che: It was reported if Trump closes the border with Mexico, the US would run out of avocados in three weeks. Man, this guy must really hate white women. Why else would he wage a war on brunch? I can’t wait to see the millions- woman march.

Weekend Update Film Critic Terry Fink’s Spring Movie Review | Season 44 Episode 17

Colin Jost

Terry Fink… Alex Moffat

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set]

Colin Jost: It’s time for spring movies. Here to give us his picks for the season is film critic Terry Fink.

[Terry Fink joins Colin Jost]

Terry Fink: Mr. Jost. A pleasure.

Colin Jost: Welcome, Terry. Now, I hear you watched every single film coming out this spring.

Terry Fink: That’s right. And I couldn’t have done it without a little trend called Macro Dosing.

Colin Jost: Sorry, did you say macro dosing?

Terry Fink: Yes. First up, superhero smash, Captain marvel. [Cut to Terry Fink. There’s a poster of Captain Marvel at left top corner of the screen] No surprise here, this film is a marvel of cinema. however I can’t say I love the climax of the film in which Captain Marvel turns into a bat and has sex with my high school gym teacher. But it’s still the best movie I’ve ever seen. Colin?

[Cut to Terry Fink and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Yeah, Terry, I don’t remember that scene you described. Did you say macro dosing? Because I think you meant micro dosing. Right?Like hallucinogenics.

Terry Fink: Ain’t nothing micro about these doses. LSD helps me see all these wonderful films. Now, let’s talk [Cut to Terry Fink. There’s a poster of Dumbo at left top corner of the screen] ‘Dumbo’. With big ears and an even bigger heart, Dumbo is a terrifying journey through hell. Amostly grabled mess of colors and shapes. This bizarre remake of Bryan Cranston’s “Trumbo”, never quite finds it’s footing. But, just like an elephant, you’ll never forget it’s touching Jihadi message. I couldn’t stop crying or laughing or swearing or biting the fellow next to me. I give it three screaming hot dogs and one Dr. Robotic. Marcus?

[Cut to Terry Fink and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Yeah, I’m Colin. How much LSD are you taking?

Terry Fink: Please. Who are you? The cop I slapped? Now, pass out the cigars, papa, because A Star Is Born.

Colin Jost: Yeah, that came out months ago.

Terry Fink: Oh, Colin, you still believe in time? [Cut to Terry Fink. There’s a poster of A Star Is Born at left top corner of the screen] There’s nothing shallow about Bradley Cooper’s performance as a pockmarked speed freak trying to smooch me in a Penn station stairwell. Mmwa! No thanks, Dante. Sadly, I was not as impressed by Lady Gaga who frankly pissed me off as that times square Elmo tried to pull my pants down. And 14 days without sleep, the film is a tad long but I give it two ketchup packets and 36 missed calls from my wife. Jesus?

[Cut to Terry Fink and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Terry, I think you should get some help man.

Terry Fink: Ha-ha. Swish. Fun fact, when you talk, I see Japanese subtitles. That’s why I give you fingernail clipping and one slender man wearing a Zoot suit.

Colin Jost: Thank you very much, Terry Fink, everyone.

Terry Fink: I’m fine!