Tag: Colin Jost

Weekend Update Democrats Launch Impeachment Inquiry Against Trump – SNL

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set]

Colin Jost: Good evening.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of a news article that says ‘Impeachment inquiry launched for pressuring Ukraine’ at left top corner.]

Well—easy. This week President Trump was accused of shady mafia-style shakedown of the Ukraine. But luckily Trump’s lawyer was able to smooth it over with professionalism and class.

[Cut to a video clip of live news where lawyers are shouting at each other.]
Colin Jost: By the way, it looks like the world’s angriest game of guess who. [Picture changes to Donald Trump] And now democrats are moving toward impeaching Trump, which should feel like a huge historic moment but with Trump even impeachment just feels silly. You know, like the movie “Nixon” was a serious film directed by Oliver Stone. The movie about Trump is going to be from the dudes who brought you “American Pie”. And by the way, the one thing we haven’t heard from the White House all week about this is a denial. Trump just keeps saying that all the information is bad because it’s all secondhand. It’s like if the cops asked if you murdered someone and instead saying, “No, I didn’t”, you said, “Who told you that, Ron?”

[Cut to Michael Che.]

Michael Che: Alright. Maybe I just don’t understand politics well because when they said Trump is getting impeached, I immediately thought Great, Trump’s fired, let’s get drunk. But they’re like, “No, he’s just being impeached but he ain’t exactly peached yet. It’s still going take another year or so.” And I’m like, “Damn, that sucks, let’s get drunk.” I mean, the president is only a four-year job but it feels like it’s taking them five years to just fire his add. It’s frustrating. You know, I bet somebody explained how long impeachment takes to John Wilkes booth and he was like, “Okay, well, where is he at right now?”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of Donald Trump and Adam Schiff at left top corner]

Colin Jost: Trump also attacked CNN for saying he spelled the world little wrong. Look at this insanity. [Cut to a tweet from Donald Trump] I used the world liddle’, not liddle in describing corrupt congressman Liddle’ Adam Schiff. Low ratings CNN purposely took the hyphen out and said I spelled the word ‘little’ wrong.” [Cut to Colin Jost] First of all, it’s an apostrophe, not a hyphen. I’m sorry to be a grammar Nazi. I know you hate one of those things. Then president Adderall attacked Joe Biden, saying that if Joe Biden was a republican he’d be getting the electric chair. Though in fairness both Trump and Biden are going to be in electric chairs [Cut to Joe Biden and Donald Trump on an electric scooter] pretty soon.

Weekend Update: David Ortiz on Getting Shot – SNL

Colin Jost

David Ortiz … Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: This week—this summer former Red Sox slugger David Ortiz got shot in the Dominican Republic but he recovered and he even threw out the first pitch at a Red Sox game. Here to comment big Papi himself, David Ortiz.

[David Ortiz slides in the screen]

David Ortiz: Yo! Feliz Septebre!

Colin Jost: It is so great to see you big Papi. How is your summer?

David Ortiz: It was bad. But you know what they say. [Cut to David Ortiz] Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you want to try to kill who tried to kill you.

[Cut to David Ortiz and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: That must have been a horrible experience.

David Ortiz: Oh, you think bro? I had to go to the hospital in the Dominican Republic. You know what they have in the hospital there?

Colin Jost: What?

[Cut to David Ortiz]

David Ortiz: They got Mofongo. Chicharones. Beef Steaka Con Mas Beef Steak. And in the IV you know what they give you?

[Cut to David Ortiz and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: What, like a saline solution?

David Ortiz: Close. Concreto Frito.

Colin Jost: They have that at the hospital?

David Ortiz: At the Dominical hospital they do.

[Cut to David Ortiz]

That’s why I go to the Boston hospital next. You go what they got at the Boston hospital?

[Cut to David Ortiz and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: hat?
David Ortiz: Medicine.

Colin Jost: Well, I hope you stay safe from now on.

David Ortiz: Me too. That’s why I’m more careful now. When I go out I wear a disguise. I get them all from the same place.

[Cut to David Ortiz]

Hair BNB. You need a wig for the weekend, use Hair BNB. Every wig is made of 100% guinea pig hair. Very itchy.

[Cut to David Ortiz and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: So, you’re still doing commercials?

David Ortiz: Oh, yeah, bro. [Cut to David Ortiz] I’m also trying to have a better diet now. Other so I’m eating the possible burger.

Colin Jost: You mean the impossible burger.

David Ortiz: No, possible burger. Did you buy a bunch of ground beef from the back of a pickup truck? It might not be real meat. But it’s possible.

[Cut to David Ortiz and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I’m glad you’re staying positive about this.

David Ortiz: Oh, Mucho positive Jost. [Cut to David Ortiz] Have a new lease on life. I’ve even been exercising again.

Colin Jost: You’re exercising?

David Ortiz: I’m using the Pelocon.

[Cut to David Ortiz and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: You mean Peloton?

David Ortiz: No, Peloton is a bike. Pelicon is a Pelicon. Pelican. [Cut to David Ortiz] It’s just a big Pelican that attack you when you’re not expecting it. I already lost 15 pounds and three fingers. And you never see the Pelican coming, because he use Hair BNB.

[Cut to David Ortiz and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Big Papi, I’m just really happy that you’re back and that you’re healthy enough to be shooting a commercial.

David Ortiz: Hey, who’s shooting?

Colin Jost: Big Papi, everyone.

David Ortiz: Merry Christmas, everybody. Yo, yo, Mofongo.

DNC Town Hall – SNL

Erin Burnett … Cecily Strong

Beto O’Rourke … Alex Moffat

Andrew Yang … Bowen Yang

Cory Booker … Chris Redd

Pete Buttingieg … Colin Jost

Marianne Williamson … Chloe Fineman

Senator Elizabeth Warren … Kate McKinnon

Bernie Sanders … Kyle Mooney

Joe Biden … Woody Harrelson

Kamala Harris … Maya Rudolph

Denise Reynolds … Ego Nwodim

Calvin Millett… Mikey Day

Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with CNN Impeachment Town Hall intro]

Announcer: It’s the impeachment town hall!

[Cut to Erin Burnett in her set]

Erin Burnett: Good evening. I’m Erin Burnett. The democratic candidates have united together and decided to handle the impeachment the only way they know how, with a muddled ten-person town hall debate. First, please welcome guy who tragically misread out enthusiasm for him, Beto O’Rourke.

[Cut to Beto O’Rourke]

Beto O’Rourke: Hey! [Cheers and applause] Thanks for still like, having me around. This is Rad. Now, could I say a few words in eight grade Spanish?

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: We really don’t have time for that.

[Cut to Beto O’Rourke]

Beto O’Rourke: Oh, Lo Siento in La Biblioteca.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: Next, he was asked to be introduced as the Asian bad boy of Tech, but I’m just going to say Andrew Yang.

[Cut to Andrew Yang]

[Cheers and applause]

Andrew Yang: If you think my candidacy is going well, I’m literally giving free money to people and I’m still in sixth place.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: Next, New Jersey senator Cory Booker.

[Cut to Cory Booker]

Cory Booker: I’m blessed to be here.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: And I should point out that we’re limiting the amount of time you can speak based on how well you’re doing in the polls. So Cory, you get five words.

[Cut to Cory Booker]

Cory Booker: Um. Impeach Trump now because trouble.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: Thank you, Cory. Would you like to leave now to beat traffic?

[Cut to Cory Booker]

Cory Booker: I would.

[Cory Booker leaves]

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: Next ,we have the mayor of South Bend, Indiana, Pete Buttingieg.

[Cut to Pete Buttingieg]

Pete Buttingieg: Hi.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: It’s Buttigieg, right? Am I pronouncing that correctly?

[Cut to Pete Buttingieg]

Pete Buttingieg: Sure.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: And appearing tonight live via Astral projection is Marianne Williamson.

[Cut to Marianne Williamson]

Marianne Williamson: Konnichiwa, girlfriend. Here’s how I will impeach Donald Trump. I will trap his soul inside this crystal. Which I should warn you is also a Yoni egg. So, this election vote for magic. Good morning.

[Marianne Williamson disappears]

[Cheers and applause]

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: And now let’s meet the actual candidates. Senator Elizabeth Warren.

[Cut to Senator Elizabeth Warren]

Elizabeth Warren: Hello. [Cheers and applause] I hope you guys enjoyed hot girl summer ’cause now it’s school librarian fall. I have the energy of a mother of five boys who all play a different sport. Let’s do this.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

[Cheers and applause]

Erin Burnett: Senator from Vermont, Bernie Sanders.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

[Cheers and applause]

Bernie Sanders: Hello, everyone. I’m so excited to be back. And to ruin things a second time.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: We also have the current front-runner in the polls. He went to the dentist and said “Give me the high beams.” Vice president Joe Biden.

[Cut to Joe Biden]

[Cheers and applause]

Joe Biden: There’s no need to worry anymore. Daddy’s here, America. I see you. I hear you. I sniff you and I hug you from behind. Now, as I ask anytime I walk into a room, where am I and what the hell is going on here?

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: We’d also like to welcome California senator, Kamala Harris.

[Cut to Kamala Harris]

[Cheers and applause]

Kamala Harris: Thank you. Now, Erin, that little girl you just introduced, that little girl was me.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: Yes, I know, senator.

[Cut to Kamala Harris]

Kamala Harris: Okay. Just checking because I’m not just that little girl. I’m also America’s cool aunt. A fun aunt. I call that Funt. The kind of funt that will give you weed but then arrest you for having weed. Can I win the presidency? Probably not. I don’t know. Can I successfully seduce a much younger man? You better funting believe it.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: Okay. Thank you, senator Harris. And thank you to all of our candidates. Our first question is from Denise Reynolds.

[Cut to Denise Reynolds]

Denise Reynolds: My question is for senator Harris. You said you’d go past impeachment and prosecute Trump directly. Do you still stand by that? [Cut to Kamala Harris]

Kamala Harris: Oh, hell yeah. I’m a smooth-talking lady lawyer. I’m Rizzoli and I’m Isles. I’m a walking, talking TNT show. Don’t you want four more years of my dressing down our enemies like this? You call that human rights, China? I call it human wrongs. “Kamala”, Sundays on TNT.

Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: And our next question is from Calvin Millett.

[Cut to Calvin Millett]

Calvin Millett: Yeah, my question is for senator Sanders. The democrats said they’re going forward with impeachment quickly, but do you have the patience to see that through?

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Patience? Don’t talk to me about patience. It takes me 40 minutes to figure out how to turn on the TV, every single time? If I accidentally hit input, that’s a whole day. Gone. Gone. Sometimes I sit on the porch and do literally nothing for six hours. I don’t talk to people. I don’t look at stuff. I just sit so still, people gets scared and call 911. And not for the ambulance. For the Coroner.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: Thank you, senator Sanders. Next question. Yes?

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor]

Melissa Villaseñor: What if Joe Biden gets implicated in this Ukraine scandal in some way?

[Cut to Kamala Harris wearing sunglasses, drinking cocktail]

Kamala Harris: Oh, no. That would be terrible. Not Joe Biden.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: Vice president Biden, do you have a response?

[Cut to Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: Do I have time for a very long story?

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: You have 30 seconds.

[Cut to Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: Yes, I’m going to blow right by that. The year is 1962. I’m life guarding. No shirt. Tan chest. Medium nips. Oh, and I should point out that it was a segregated pool, just to put everyone on the edge for the rest of the story. So, I’m lifeguarding and who walks in but corn pop?

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: I’m sorry, corn pop?

[Cut to Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: So I see corn pop, and he’s carrying a switchblade next to a kid named drumstick wearing brass knuckles. Again, I’m not going to say the races of the kids, but from the nicknames and the types of weapons you should be able to fill in the blanks.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: Mr. Vice President—

[Cut to Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: Okay, sorry, anyway, long story short –Barack.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Hey. Remember when everyone thought I was going to be the one who seemed out of touch? This guy makes me look like Drake.

[Cut to Kamala Harris]

Kamala Harris: Mr. Vice president, I need to say something to you. That corn pop in your story was me. That little corn pop was me. “Corn Pop.” Tuesdays at 10:00 on USA.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: All right. Let’s just go to closing statements. But just from the four candidates who actually have a shot at this thing. Senator Warren, we’ll start with you.

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren]

Elizabeth Warren: Look. Hey, look. America, I’m fun. I’m like a Brisk walk. I know all the big donors are turning against me. But I’m focused on the small donors. $3 from Andrew at the circle K. 53 cents from a third-grader in Illinois. $800 from an immigrant and stay-at-home mom named Melania. She fighting.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: Okay. Now, we’re going to vice president Biden.

[Cut to Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: Look. I’m like plastic straws. I’ve been around forever. I’ve always worked. But now you’re mad at me? Drink up, America. In closing I’d just like to say one more time, Barack.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: Senator Sanders, closing statement?

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: America. Here is my promise to you. Free college. Free health care. Free refills on any medium size soft drink. Last time my slogan was “Feel the Bern”. This time it’s “Let’s Bern this place to the ground!”

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: Senator Harris, your closing statement, please.

[Cut to Kamala Harris]

Kamala Harris: This Funt would like to take this opportunity to speak directly to president Trump. Mr. Trump, no one is above the law. “Above the Law”. Thursdays on NBS. Gonk Gonk.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: And those are our choices, America. Good luck.

[Ends with CNN Impeachment Town Hall outro]

Weekend Update Trump’s Iran Conflict Confusion | Season 44 Episode 21

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Narrator: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. What’s wrong with you? Hey, stop it. Good evening, everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin. There is a picture of newspaper titles on left top corner that says ‘Roe V. Wate in jeopardy’]

Well, this season of SNL started in 2018, but it looks like it’s going to end up somewhere back in the 1970s.

[Picture changes to Donald Trump

Amid rising tensions with Iran there were rumors that the White house is now going to send 120 thousand more troops to the middle east but don’t worry, President Trump set the record straight with this firm and reassuring message.

[Cut to a video clip of Donald Trump.]

Media: Mr. President are we going to war with Iran?

Donald Trump: Hope not.

[Cut to Colin]

Colin Jost: You know it’s up to you, right man? You don’t have to pass off every decision to [Picture changes to John Bolton] John Bolton, the Islamophobic Lorax. And now Lawmakers for both sides of the aisle are demanding more information on what exactly the Iran threat even is. So far the only evidence the administration has provided is this [Picture of Will Smith as genie from the movie Aladdin] disturbing image.

[Cut to Michael. There is a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: China retaliated to president Trump’s tariffs by imposing their own tariffs on products the US sells to China. Wiat, what the hell do we sell to China besides Marvel movies and credit card debt? I’ve never been to China but I have been to Chinatown. And one thing I can tell you is that anything we have, they can just make for themselves. All they got to do is change one letter and sell a billion Abble watches.

[Cut to Colin. There is pictures of Jared Kushnr and Stephen Miller at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Jared Kushner and Stephen Miller who both have resting evil face, have spent months together working on the Trump administration’s new immigration plan. What I would not give to be a fly on that wall, watching all the other flies swarm around their master. [Picture changes to moon and a logo of NASA] And in a plan backed by the Trump administration, NASA has announced it will send the first woman to the moon by 2024. Unfortunately it’s against her will. [Picture changes to Hillary Clinton] It’s a plan they’re referring to as ‘Launch Her Up’.

[cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of Alyssa Milano at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Actress Alyssa Milano has called on women to go on a sex strike to protest restrictive new abortion laws. Look, I support that, but I just don’t think the republican senators are getting Alyssa Milano level sex at home. I bet if their wives said, “I’m on sex strike”, they would be like, “Cool, I’ll be at the airport men’s room, don’t wait up for me.”

Weekend Update Leslie Jones on Alabama’s Abortion Ban | Season 44 Episode 21

Colin Jost

Leslie Jones

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set.]

Colin Jost: This week Alabama passed a near total ban on abortion. And what many say is part of larger effort to overturn Roe V. Wade, here to comment is our own Leslie Jones.

[Jeslie Jones joins Colin]

Leslie Jones: Yes!

Colin Jost: Are you in a ‘Handmaid’s Tale’ outfit?

Leslie Jones: Well, basically we are all handmaids now, so my name is actually Of-Jost. But I don’t know how good [Cut to Leslie] of a baby maker I’m going to be because my eggs as dusty as hell. but I’d give it a shot.

[Cut to Leslie and Colin]

Colin Jost: I don’t think Leslie. I don’t think the society is quite there yet.

Leslie Jones: No? [Leslie opens her outer. She is wearing a shirt that says ‘Mine’ and has a arrow pointing down.] You would think that, right? You would really think that, but this is how it starts. I’m not living my life when I see on the news a bunch of states are trying to ban abortion, and then tell me what I can and can’t do with my body. Next thing you know, I’m in Starbucks, and they won’t take my credit card because I’m a woman instead of the regular reason, which is why I don’t have no money on it. And what made me really mad was seeing the 25 Alabama senators who voted for the abortion ban. Throw that picture up.

[Cut to pictures of 25 Alabama senators who voted for abortion ban.]

Look at them. All men.

[Cut to Leslie. the picture is not at left top corner.]

This looks like the casting call for a Lipitor commercial. This looks like the mug shots of everyone arrested at a massage parlor. And if any of them had lips, I would tell them to kiss my entire ass. You can’t control women. You can’t control women. Because I don’t know if you heard, but women are the same as humans. And I’m Leslie Dracarys Jones. I mean, why do all these weird ass men care about what women choose to do with their bodies anyway? I don’t care what you do with your 65-year-old droopy ass balls. And how is Alabama’s woman governor going along with this? What? Me? I’m rebellious from the top. When people tell me “Good morning”, I say, “No, it’s not! You don’t know my morning. Don’t take away my choice to have a bad morning.” Because when women have a choice, women have freedom.

[Cheers and applause]

[Cut to Leslie and Colin]

Colin Jost: Right. You tell ‘em, Leslie.

[Leslie stares at Colin]

Leslie Jones: Shut up! You flat white privilege latte.

[Cut to Leslie]

Look, the fact that nine states are doing this means this really is a war on women. And if you’re a woman out there and you feel scared or confused, just know that you’re not alone. There are so many women out there that got your back. Especially me. Leslie Dracarys Bad Bitch Jones. You can’t tell me what to do with my body. You can’t make me small or put me in a box. I’m 6 feet tall and 233 pounds. Ain’t no box big enough to hold me. And I know because one time I tried to mail myself to a dude.

[Cut to Leslie and Colin]

Colin Jost: Leslie Jones, everyone. I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Good night.

Weekend Update Jeanine Pirro on Her Fox News Suspension | Season 44 Episode 21

Colin Jost

Jeanine Pirro… Cecily Strong

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set]

Colin Jost: Fox News host Jeanine Pirro has lost up to 20% of her advertisers since making controversial comments about a Muslim congresswoman. Here to comment is Jeanine Pirro.

[Cut to Jeaning Pirro]

Jeanine Pirro: Hello, I’m judge Jeanine Pirro, and I just want to thank the brave sponsors who stuck with me despite the accusations by the radical Looney left.  To companies like Jeep I say thank you. And to Mitsubishi I say, Domo Arigato, Cobra Kai. Sorry Daniel-San, so wax off.

[Jeanine is showing kung-fu stances]

[Cut to Jeanine and Colin]

Colin Jost: I just want to tell you. You don’t have to be so loud, I can hear you.

Jeanine Pirro: Oh, no can do, bud.

[Cut to Jeanine]

20 years ago I yelled at a waiter because my cobb salad had a cranberry in it. And now I’m locked at this volume every day for the rest of my life.

[Cut to Jeaning and Colin]

Colin Jost: Well, It’s rumored that Fox has only kept you on the air because Donald Trump personally called the network on your behalf.

[Cut to Jeanine]

Jeanine Pirro: Yes, that is because Donald Trump is a class act. He is the Michael Jordan of presidents and the Wesley Snipes of Taxes. He’s a win in the boardroom. And sometimes wizzes a little in bedroom.

[Cut to Jeanine and Colin]
Colin Jost: Judge Jeanine, I hate to ask this, but have you been drinking?

Jeanine Pirro: Colin, please! [Cut to Jeanine] I haven’t been drinking. [Jeaning takes out her Bloody Mary glass] I currently am drinking. I vow to enjoy a drink every time President Trump ignores a congressional subpoena. And let me tell, mama is a lizard.

[Cut to Jeanine and Colin]

Colin Jost: All right, well, despite Trump’s stonewalling, it’s likely Robert Mueller will testify before congress.

[Jeanine spits all the Bloody Mary over Colin’s face]

Jeanine Pirro: What? Colin, look. That’s a terrible idea. The report is done. Senor Mueller has spoken and he said no Hablo collusion man.

Colin Jost: Well, I’m going to let you finish this next sip before I say this.

Jeanine Pirro: Okay.

Colin Jost: Okay. The democrats could make him testify if they start impeachment proceedings.

[Jeanine throws the Bloody Mary off the glass on Colin’s face]

Jeanine Pirro: What? Colin Jessica Jost, impeachment would be crazy. Okay? That is the last resort of the Loopy Loco left who hate this president and his stick mac daddy energy.

Colin Jost: What the hell are you talking about? I don’t think that’s the case because– and I’m glad that your drink is gone–

Jeanine Pirro: It’s Bloody Mary.

[Cut to Jeanine, Colin and Michael.]

Colin Jost: I’m glad your drink is gone.

[Michael gives Jeanine another glass of Bloody Mary]

Michael Che: I got an extra one.

Colin Jost: No! No! Why would you do that?

[Cut to Jeanine and Colin.]

Why would you do that?

Jeanine Pirro: Thank you, thank you, Kenan. Wonderful. What a nice guy. Funny, too.

Colin Jost: So, I’m just going to ask this now. So, by ignoring the subpoenas, and I’m just going to hold your arm for this part, [Colin hold’s Jeanine’s hand] by ignoring the subpoenas, Trump might actually give democrats more reason to impeach.

[Jeanine throws the bloody Mary off the glass on her other hand on Colin’s face.]

Jeanine Pirro: What! No! No! Colin!

Colin Jost: I’m so wet. Jeanine Pirro, everyone.

Weekend Update Colin Jost and Michael Che Switch Jokes | Season 44 Episode 21

Michael Che

Colin Jost

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There is a picture of an island at right top corner.]

Michael Che: It was reported that more than 400 million pieces of plastic has washed up on a remote island in the Indian ocean. For reference, here is what 40,000 million pieces of plastic look like. [The picture changes to ‘The Kardashians’] Comedian Chris Rock [Picture changes to Chris Rock with Saw logo.] is teaming up with Lionsgate on a reboot of the movie  ‘Saw’, which I am assuming will be called ‘Seent’.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Boston city at left top corner.]

[Colin is laughing]

That’s a fun joke.Colin Jost: Well, a new survey ranks the Boston accent as one of the sexiest accents in America. But keep in mind, the survey was conducted by [Picture changes to front page of a magazine] catastrophic hearing loss magazine. [Picture changes to cartoon clip of Arthur.] Conservatives are upset over a new episode of the PBS children’s cartoon Arthur in which Arthur’s teacher is revealed to be gay. Meanwhile no one seems to care that [The picture changes to Pepa Pig] Pepa Pig’s head is a full-on penis.

[Cut to Colin and Michael]

[Michael is laughing]

Well, tonight is the last show of the season, and Che and I have decided that our end of the year gifts to each other would be jokes.

Michael Che: Yeah. So we’re making each other read jokes live on air that the other person has never seen before.

Colin Jost: Yeah. And the idea, Michael, isn’t to try to sabotage each other. It’s to just give over here fun jokes.

Michael Che: Uh-huh, why don’t you go first?

Colin Jost: Okay.

[Cut to Colin. there is a picture of an article that says ‘White Lightning Sets Record’.]

A student in Texas who is nicknamed ‘White Lightning’ set a high school record by running the hundred-meter dash in 9.98 seconds. Coincidentally, people call me white lightning because I also finish in under 10 seconds.

[Cheers and applause]

[Cut to Michael. There’s a picture of a god at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Doctors in Iowa have confirmed a dog disease that can be passed to humans. Fine, I’ll wear a condom.

[Cut to Colin. There’s a picture of a chimpanzee at left top corner.]

Oh, wow. Okay.

Colin Jost: A new report finds that as people move into formerly wild areas of Africa, human activity is disrupting chimpanzee culture. Incidentally, chimpanzee culture is also what my grandpa calls hip-hop. Why?

[Cut to Michael. There is a picture of Pope Francis at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Whoa. [Michael is shaking his head.] I wouldn’t have said that. Pope Francis ended a Vatican summit by promising the catholic church would confront the clergy sex abuse head-on, instead of their usual way, face down, ass up. What?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of Martin Luther King Jr. with a tag ‘Teacher Forced To Resign’ at left top corner.]

[Colin sees the picture of Martin Luther King Jr.]

Colin Jost: Oh, come on.

Michael Che: Oh, no, I think this will be good.

Colin Jost: Yeah, I’m sure. A substitute teacher in North Carolina has resigned after she reportedly told a class of elementary students that Martin Luther King Jr. Killed himself. In her defense, he is the one who decided to keep running his mouth. Why!

[Cut to Colin and Michael. Michael is laughing.]

You’re going to get me murdered.

Weekend Update: Mother’s Day – SNL | Season 44 Episode 20

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of a calendar with May 12 marked at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: This Sunday is mother’s day. A holiday that Georgia is trying to make [The picture changes to an article that says ‘Georgia passes six-week ban.] mandatory.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of Jeff Bezos and his blue moon ship at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Jeff Bezos introduced a new Lunar Lander which he plans to use to send people to the moon by 2024. So to answer your question, no, he isn’t handling the divorce well. [The picture changes to baby names] A new report from the social security administration shows that in 2018 the most popular baby names were Emma and Liam, as in “No, we will not be vaccinating Emma and Liam.”

[Cut to Colin. There is a picture of an airport at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: A new poll has listed the worst airport in the US as Newark airport. Yeah. That’s right. Yeah. You should be very proud. The worst was Newark airport which came in just below [Picture changes to a drowning airplane] the Hudson river.

[Picture changes to the Facebook logo]

Facebook has introduced a new feature allowing people to connect with someone they have a secret crush on. To learn more, watch a future episode of “Dateline” called ‘The Facebook Murders.”

[Cut to Michael. There is a picture of Costco at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Police in Wisconsin are searching for a man who stole 24 bottles of Hennessey from a local costo. And no need to Google it. He’s black. [Colin coughs while laughing. Michael looks at Colin.] Laughing a little too hard over there.

[The picture changes to a picture of a news article that says ‘Pornstar has sex in self driving car’.]

A video has been posted of a porn star and her boyfriend having sex in a Tesla while it was driving in autopilot. And amazingly, no one was rear-ended.

[Cut to Colin. There is a picture of New Jersey flag at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: New Jersey’s governor has ordered liberty state part to remove a Mississippi state flag because it features a confederate symbol. And to better reflect New Jersey’s values they’re replacing it with a flag of Tony Soprano Curb-Stomping the Philly Phanatic.

[Cut to Michael. There is a picture of ‘I eat ass’ sticker at the back of the truck at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Shortly after a Florida man was arrested for having an “I eat ass” Sticker on his truck prosecutors have dropped all charges against him. And I think I know how he got out of it.

Weekend Update: Trump Lost Over $1 Billion – SNL | Season 44 Episode 20

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[Cut to Colin and Michael in their news set]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin. There is a picture of an article that says ‘Trump tax figures show over $1 billion in business loss’ at left side.]

Well, guys, it turns out that Donald Trump may not be the financial genius that no one ever really thought he was. According to tax documents from 1985 to 1994, Donald Trump appears to have lost “More money than any other American taxpayer”. Now, I love that during that period when he was losing a billion dollars he had the audacity to write a book [The picture changes to Donald Trump’s book ‘ The art of the deal’] about how great he was at business. It’s like if right now R. Kelly wrote a book on baby-sitting.

[The picture changes to Donald trump]

But somehow there are still Trump supporters who are trying to spin this as a good thing. Look at this clip from Fox and Friends.

[Cut to a video clip of Fox News]

Speaker 3: If anything, you read this and you’re like, “Wow, it’s pretty impressive all the things that he’s done in his life.” It’s beyond what most of us could ever achieve.

[Cut to Colin]

Colin Jost: Come on, Blonde lady. Even you don’t believe that. I mean, you said the last part into your hand. It would be like if I said, “Oh, Donald Trump, he’s such a hard-working president.”

[Cut to Michael. There is a picture of Trump airlines at right top corner.]

Michael Che: President Trump’s tax documents also show that his airline, which I didn’t know anything about, launched in 1989 and lost $7 million a month until it shut down in 1992. And just to give you an idea of how bad his airline was, it lasted 33 years less than spirit.

[Cut to Colin. There is a picture of Mitch McConnell at top left corner.]

Colin Jost: Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell, who always looks he’s watching a man slowly drown, he said that the Mueller investigation is over and that democrats should shop endlessly re-litigating the 2016 election. Then he went back to trying to repeal Obamacare for literally the 55th time. Because McConnell always does [Colin covers his mouth with his palm] what’s best for the country.

[The picture changes to Donald Trump JR.]

The republican-led senate intelligence committee has subpoenaed Donald Trump Jr. to testify about his meeting with Russian officials. And so that he didn’t feel left out, [The picture changes to Eric and detective Pikachu.] Eric got a subpoena from detective Pikachu.

[Cut to Michael. There is a picture of Donald Trump and China’s country outline at right top corner]

Michael Che: President Trump escalated his trade war with China on Friday. And as a proud father of over 500 pairs of sneakers this really worries me. China makes everything I need to survive. Shoes, hoodies, fake Louis Vuitton, beef and broccoli. Rush hour. Even when I see a tag on something that says made in America, that tag was probably made in China.

[Cut to Colin. There is a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: President Trump held a rally in the Florida Panhandle this week and it was exactly what you’re imagining.

[Cut to video clip of Donald Trump’s speech]

Who’s coming the United States? So these countries put people in a basket like little—who is it? Who is it? Big strong rivers, it’s snake country. You’ve got to like snakes a lot. Young man buttigieg. Boot-edge-edge. They say edge-edge. So, always keep your eyes open. Be careful. And let law enforcement know when you see a Kook.

[Cut to Colin. He is on his phone.]

Hello, Kook squad?

[Colin puts his phone down]

I know that speech didn’t sound very eloquent, but for the Florida Panhandle it was basically Gettysburg address. And if you think that’s harsh about the Panhandle, just listen to this fun exchange about migrants at the border.

[Cut to a clip of Dona’d Trump’s speech]

But how do you stop these people? You can’t. [Someone in the crowd screams “Shoot them”.] There’s not—that’s only in the Panhandle you can get away with that statement.

[Cut to Colin]

Trump’s just like I love you guys in the Panhandle. Y’all murderous snake freaks.

[The picture changes to Melania Trump]

This week marked the first anniversary of Melania Trump’s be best anti-bullying campaign. And if you don’t think it’s going well, you’re a fat idiot who has no friends.

[Cut to Michael. There is a picture of White House honoring ceremony at right top corner.]

Michael Che: President Trump welcomed the Boston Rex Sox to the White House in honor of their world series win. However, most of the team’s black players skipped the ceremony in protest. Said trump, “Perfect.”

[Cut to Colin. There is a picture of Cory Booker and a LinkedIn logo at left top corner.] Cory Booker will attend a fund-raiser hosted by the founder of LinkedIn, making Booker the first person to actually accept an invitation [The picture changes to email spam from LinkedIn] from LinkedIn.

Weekend Update: Pete Davidson on Living with His Mom | Season 44 Episode 20

Colin Jost

Pete Davidson

Amy Davidson

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his Weekend Update set]

Colin Jost: Well, Mother’s day is tomorrow. [Laughter] Here with some thoughts is our own Pete Davidson. [Cheers and applause]

[Pete Davidson joins Colin Jost]
Pete Davidson: Hey, man. So this is going to be a special Mother’s day for me because this year she’s not just my mom, but she’s also my roommate. [Laughter]

Colin Jost: Oh, wow. That’s great. So, you’re living with your mom?

Pete Davidson: You don’t have to say it like I’m a loser like – [Cut to Pete] I know what people think. You know, they see you on TV and magazines and stuff and they think, “Wow, that guy must have his own place.” [Laughter] You know? Nope. But it’s not like I moved into her house. I just bought a house with my mom like a winner. [Laughter]

[Cut to Pete and Colin]

Colin Jost: Right. I mean, I’ve heard of people buying houses for their mom.

Pete Davidson: Yeah. I didn’t do that, if I buy a house, [Cut to Pete] I’m going to live in it. But I told her it’s not like a mother-son thing. Now we’re just homeys.

[Cut to Pete and Colin]
Colin Jost: Homeys, okay, so she’s staying out of your business?

Pete Davidson: For the most part. But I won’t lie. It’s weird to get caught masturbating at my age. [Cut to Pete] Because when you’re like 15 and your mom catches you, it’s embarrassing. But on some level when she closes the door she’s proud. You know? She’s like, “Wow, my boy is growing up.” [Cut to Pete and Colin] [Pete looks at Colin] You know? [Laughter]

Colin Jost: Yeah, I don’t know, man. I don’t know if that’s how moms feel.

[Cut to Pete]
Pete Davidson: No, but when you’re 25 and your mom catches you masturbating, it’s like this should not have happened. Who just walks into the kitchen without knocking? Thankfully, that’s a lesson my mother and sister finally learned. [laughter]

[Cut to Pete and Colin]

Colin Jost: Your sister lives there too?

Pete Davidson: Yeah, and she’s 21 and still living at home. Isn’t that sad? [laughter] [Cut to Pete] It’s weird living with my mom and sister because sometimes I’ll see a strange dude in the house and I don’t know if he’s some dirt bag preying on my sister of the saint who’s going to take my mom off my hands. [laughter] But she really is the best and I put her through a lot so I’d like to bring her out. Please welcome the greatest roommate in the world, Amy Davidson, everybody.

[Amy Davidson joins Pete]

Amy Davidson: Hi everybody.

[Cut to Amy, Pete and Colin]
Colin Jost: Hi, Mrs. Davidson.

Amy Davidson: Hi Colin. Happy mother’s day.

Colin Jost: Thank you. [laughter]

Pete Davidson: Hey man, be nice. It’s my mom.

Colin Jost: What do you guys have planned for tomorrow?

Pete Davidson: What do you mean? I put her on TV. This is it. [Cut to Amy and Pete] You never know. Jon Hamm could be single and watching.

Amy Davidson: I’d also settle for James Spader.

Pete Davidson: All right. You’d settle for a ninja turtle. I just need a new dad.

[Cut to Amy, Pete, Colin and Michael]

Colin Jost: Pete and his mom, everyone.

Pete Davidson: Happy mother’s day.

Colin Jost: For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Good night!