Tag: Colin Jost

Weekend Update Eric and Donald Trump Jr. on Benefiting from Trump’s Presidency

Colin Jost

Donald Trump Jr. … Mikey Day

Eric… Alex Moffat

[Starts with Colin Jost on his news set]

Colin Jost: This week, president Trump’s eldest son attacked Hunter Biden in the media for allegedly profiting from his father’s political influence. Here with more, first sons, Eric and Don Trump Jr.

[Eric and Donald Trump Jr. come in]

Donald Trump Jr.: Hey, Colin. Nice Bernie jokes. Can you believe it, they actually made fun of a democrat.

Eric: Ha-ha.

Donald Trump Jr.: Do you like that, Eric?

Eric: I don’t get it!

Colin Jost: Now Eric, you were recently interviewed on Fox News?

Eric: All by myself.

[Cut to Eric and Donald Trump Jr.]

Donald Trump Jr.: Yeah, you were. God, I was so proud of him. Our little boy is growing up, Colin. Today he sat through an entire meeting without doing the pee-pee dance.

Eric: And I had to go.

Donald Trump Jr.: He’s transitioning from bath to showers.

Eric: I still lay down.

Donald Trump Jr.: And he even has a crush on a girl.

Eric: Ha-ha! My wife!

Donald Trump Jr.: Uh-huh! Lara Trump, your wife.

[Cut to Colin Jost, Eric and Donald Trump Jr.]

Colin Jost: Congrats, Eric. Well, you’ve both been accusing of Hunter Biden of benefiting from his father’s political connections, but haven’t you two been doing the exact same thing?

Donald Trump Jr. and Eric: Ha-ha. Ha-ha, ha-ha.

Donald Trump Jr.: Colin, we’d been running the Trump organization even if Donald Trump wasn’t our father.

Colin Jost: Yeah, I don’t know about that.

[Cut to Eric and Donald Trump Jr.]

Donald Trump Jr.: Well, but Hunter Biden, you know, Colin, there’s a word for when you get a job because of who your family is.

Eric: Uh-huh. Nipple teasing!

Donald Trump Jr.: No. It’s nepotism, bud. It’s not nipple teasing, right? Nepotism.

Eric: Uh-huh.

Donald Trump Jr.: Do you want to try saying Nepotism? Nepotism. All right. Look, if the dems want a witch hunt, they should go after the real witch, okay? Joe—

Eric: Hermione—

Donald Trump Jr.: –Biden.

Eric: –Granger.

Donald Trump Jr.: Not real, buddy. Look, all of these attacks on our family, Colin, are just distractions. The dems know this primary’s a disaster. And no one can beat our father in the general. And the worse is this Kamala Harris. Oh, my god. My dad can’t stand her. Because Harris is—

Eric: A woman!

Donald Trump Jr.: No. No, that’s not why. Harris is—

Eric: lack.
Donald Trump Jr.: No, Eric, she’s a big talker. But it’s clear she’s all bark and no—

Eric: White!

Donald Trump Jr.: No, no! Eric, you know something buddy, do you want to play with your new pen toy?

Eric: Okay.

Donald Trump Jr.: Got this at Fao Schwartz, right? Yeah. The bottom line, Colin—Look, you know how this works. You put things in it like—Oh, yeah! Oh, no. Look, I’m going to talk to Colin right now, okay? Look, Colin, I’ll make this simple. All the lies, witch hunts and impeachments inquiries in the world won’t help the dems’ chances in this 2020 election. The Trumps are here to stay. And now the message for the dems, do we look like people who lose?

[Cut to Colin Jost, Eric and Donald Trump Jr.]

Colin Jost: No comment. The Trump brothers, everyone.

Eric: I disappeared!

Donald Trump Jr.: Thank you, thank you.

Weekend Update Trump Loses Five Court Cases in One Day

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s “Weekend Update” With Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Thank you. Good evening, everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to “Weekend Update”. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

According to a Fox News poll 51% of Americans support impeaching president Trump. You know it’s bad because Fox News barely talks about their own poll. I saw the poll all over MSNBC, when I flipped over to Fox News they were decorating cakes. Meanwhile, CNN I saw this headline. “Trump loses five court cases in one day distancing himself from Giuliani” and then I couldn’t read anymore. It’s never good and there’s so much bad news, CNN has to switch to a smaller font to fit it all. And it’s definitely about to get worse for Trump [Picture changes to Guiliani’s associates Igor Fruman and Lev Parnas] because of these two shreks. Two Soviet born associates of Rudy Giuliani, Igor Fruman and Lev Parnas who were somehow not killed by John Wick, were arrested in Dulles airport in Washington for allegedly funneling Russian money to the Trump campaign, which as you might have guessed is very illegal. [Picture changes to Donald Trump]And before Trump says, “I don’t even know these guys”, here’s a quick slide show put together.

[Cut to slideshow of pictures of Donald trump, Igor Fruman and Lev Parnas]

[Music playing]

The boys are back in town the boys are back in town

I said the boys are back in town God,

[Cut to Colin Jost]

They photograph well. Giuliani’s two associates are also very successful entrepreneurs. Igor, the handsome one, owns a club in Ukraine that’s called Mafia Rave, which I think counts as a full confession. And then Lev, the shy one, I swear to you owns a security business called, I swear to you, Fraud Guarantee. So, my guarantee is Trump is about to lose court case number six.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is picture of Igor Fruman and Lev Parnas at right top corner.]

Michael Che: First of all, bravo to the casting agency that found these two thumb breakers. They look like they use vodka as cologne. These guys have definitely worn track suits to their daughter’s wedding. I know these are easy jokes but I’m just surprised these guys were helping the president and not,  I don’t know, helping George Costanza get a frogger machine across the street.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: And, how is Trump handling this impeachment? Well, I would say not great based on what he did at his emotional support rally on Thursday. This is an actual headline about the rally. “Trump appears to do impression of FBI agents having sex.” I thought ,”Well, that’s got to be an exaggeration, right?”  Then I saw the clip.

[Cut to video clip of Donald Trump’s speech]

Donald Trump: I love you, Peter. I love you, too, Lisa. Lisa, I—Lisa, Lisa, oh, god. I love you, Lisa.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: First of all, he’s killing. Like, the audience loves it. I’m actually jealous. The rally was like “Showtime at the Apollo” except, you know. Opposite. Also, the crowd is laughing along like they have any idea who these FBI agents are. I bet Trump’s impression of those two agents are about as accurate as my impression of Pete Buttigieg.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is picture of White House at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Democrats are calling president Trump’s behavior unconstitutional to which Trump responded, [Picture changes to Donald Trump] “You’re right. I had no idea. And I’m sorry.” I’m just kidding. You know that ain’t right. Do you think after the whole impeachment thing is over we can just take a year off from presidents? Just to clear our heads a little. You know, not rush into someone else horrible? Right now my standards are so low, [Picture changes to Bernie Sanders] I saw Bernie Sanders have a heart attack and I was like, “Maybe him! He seems tough.” I mean we can afford a break. Right? As a country. Why don’t we take some of that old free cotton money and coast for a year until we get our groove back?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Trump–

Michael Che: [Laughing] Can’t say cotton money on NBC.

Colin Jost: [Laughing] Trump then explained withdrawing troops from Northern Syria saying that we didn’t need to defend our Kurdish allies because “They didn’t help us in World War II.” But with World War II, it’s kind of hard to know who Trump means by ‘Us’. In other foreign news, after being asked about the wife of the US diplomat in Britain striking and killing a teenager while driving on the wrong side of the road, president Trump said this.

[Cut to Donald Trump’s speech]

Donald Trump: And the woman was driving on the wrong side of the road and that can happen. Those are the opposite roads. It happens. I won’t say it ever happened to me, but it did.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry, it did happen to you? I’m not sure what’s crazier, that the president straight up admitted to vehicular manslaughter on live TV? Or that he is pretending that he ever drove a car?

[Cut to Michael Che. There is picture of CNN logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: CNN held an equality town hall with nine of the democratic presidential candidates answering questions about their views on LGBTQ issues. And I thought it was really cool. [Picture changes to Pete Buttigieg] Mayor Pete did exceptionally well. I’ve heard people ask him, “Is America ready to have their first gay president?” But there’s no way we haven’t already our first gay president. We’ve picked 45 guys in a row. The better question is, which one? My guess is Abraham Lincoln. What? He got shot at the theater. That’s a pretty gay way to go. I bet John Wilkes Booth was like, “I know where that bitch is. He’s probably watching “Kinky Boots” again.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of Donald Trump and Joe Biden at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Joe Biden—Joe Biden for the first time called for president Trump to be impeached and removed for office after he finally realized that the Joe Biden Trump keeps attacking was him.

Weekend Update Pete Davidson on Sexually Transmitted Diseases

Colin Jost

Pete Davidson

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set]

Colin Jost: According to the CDC, cases of the sexually transmitted diseases as chlamydia, syphilis and gonorrhea are all at all-time highs because of dating apps. With more on this obviously is Pete Davidson.

[Pete Davidson slides in]

Pete Davidson: Thank you very much. Hello. Yes. Thank you. Undeserved, all of this. Yeah, I don’t—I don’t really see the problem.

Colin Jost: What do you mean, Pete?

Pete Davidson: I don’t see the problem, Colin. These are all things you can cure with a shot. I don’t know how this is even news, really.

[Cut to Pete Davidson] I understand, you know, people can be worried about STDs. I get tested all the time because I look like I have all of them. Yeah, and I might have created my own, but every single time I pray I only get the ones you just mentioned because you can just take a pill and keep rolling the dice. You know? The flu can last like a month, but syphilis, it’s like four days. Bring it on.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]
The flu is like our syphilises.

Colin Jost: Well, I guess that’s a really optimistic way of looking at it.

Pete Davidson: It’s the only way, Colin. No. So, I reckon a number of people have curable STDs.

[Cut to Pete Davidson]

You know what I hear, way to go science. All right? There’s already a cure? We don’t even need to have a race for it? Like, I read online dating is actually like desegregating American online. Like helping. Way more people are dating outside their race and their social class and religion. You’re going to risk all that ethnic harmony to stop a few busted pipes from dripping? I don’t think that’s fair.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Pete!

Pete Davidson: What? Fine. Penis. You child. No, they don’t let us say any of the fun words. You think busted pipes dripping was my first choice?

Colin Jost: I’m worried you may be giving people bad advice.

Pete Davidson: Definitely. [Cut to Pete Davidson] But obviously, it’s a bad thing all of these diseases are back after so many years. Gonorrhea. Does everything in my generation have to be a reboot? Like, the clap and Rambo came back in the same year. And neither of them were wanted. That guy’s like, green. Anyway, crazy. Sorry to get a little off topic. So, no. Don’t get me wrong. I’m saying to people you should wear you know, wear a condom, but since you won’t, you know—call your doctor and get antibiotics. That’s all.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: That’s all you wanted to say?

Pete Davidson: Yes. It really is. You know? So I did hear your little joke about me last week. Your gentle little ribbing calling me that guy who lost his car at a music festival for a week, which I looked up, it was not me. And by the way, Colin, I don’t know if you’ve seen “The Joker” but I think you should start being way nicer to me.

Colin Jost: Pete Davidson, everyone.

Pete Davidson: I’m serious.

Colin Jost: For “Weekend Update”, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Good night.

Weekend Update Catholic Church Debates Celibacy Requirement for Priests

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of college athletes at left top corner]

Colin Jost: California has passed a new law that will allow college athletes to earn money from the use of their name and likeness. This is great news for top California college athletes like Aunt Becky’s daughter. [Laughter]

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of a TV channel on right top corner.]

Michael Che: The owner of the Jacksonville Jaguars announced that he will be a majority investor in a new 24-hour news network aimed at African-American viewers. Unfortunately they’ve named it CNN-World. You’re laughing a little too hard there, buddy. The senate is criticized for failing to enact a proposed ban of realistic sex dolls that looks like children. Unfortunately while researching this story I googled realistic sex dolls that look like that on my work computer and now I’ve got to go away for a while.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of a satellite at right top corner]

Colin Jost: Astronauts on the international space session successfully created meat using a 3D printer. And after eating, they created a fourth-D, diarrhea.

[The picture changes to a news article and a picture of an alligator]

A Florida man arrested after catching an alligator and tried to get it drunk. Worse, the man calls himself crocodile cause B.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of chicken nuggets on right top corner.]

Michael Che: A British woman was vegan called the police on her friends after she claimed they tricked her into eating chicken nuggets by saying they were plant based. She knew she’d been tricked when the nuggets tasted good.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of gathering of bishops at right top corner]

Colin Jost: As a gathering of bishops, pope Francis suggested the Vatican may consider dropping Celibacy requirements for some priests. Then he rushed back to the mic adding, “With adult women”.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of a pink bicycle on right top corner.]

Michael Che: Florida police arrested the woman who was riding her bike with a glass pipe hidden in her buttocks. They were able to catch up to her after she turned on to a very bumpy road.

 

CNN Equality Town Hall Cold Open

Anderson Cooper… Alex Moffat

Billy Porter

Cory Booker… Chris Redd

Aidy Bryant

Pete Buttigieg… Colin Jost

Daniel… Kyle Mooney

Elizabeth Warren… Kate McKinnon

Beck Bennett

Julian Castro… Lin-Manuel Miranda

Joe Biden… Woody Harrelson

Bowen Yang

[Starts with CNN Town Hall Equality America intro]

Announcer: One stage, no room. Last one standing gets the oh, so, illusive – a CNN Town Hall Equality America with Anderson Cooper.

[Cut to the stage of CNN Town Hall Equality America intro]

[Cheers and applause]

[Cut to Anderson Cooper]

Anderson Cooper: Good evening. I’m Anderson Cooper. This Town Hall will discuss issues affecting our community. LGBTQ and girls to make pride about them. And since we’ll never do this again, we’re going to go all-out. So, to help us announce the candidates, it’s Billy Porter from “Pose”.

[Cut to Billy Porter]

[Cheers and applause]

Billy Porter: Hello! Hello. Yes. Hello, Anderson. Category is Vanderbilt Dynasty, news realness.

[Cut to Anderson Cooper and Billy Porter]

Anderson Cooper: Yes, god. Now Billy, please introduce our first candidate.

[Cut to Billy Porter]

Billy Porter: Okay. Yes, he may live in the projects, but ladies, he ain’t no project. It’s Cory Booker.

[Cory Booker walks in and stands next to Anderson Cooper]

[Cheers and applause]

Anderson Cooper: Thank you for being here senator Booker.

Cory Booker: My girlfriend was in ‘rent’ so yeah, I get it.

Anderson Cooper: First question.

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: Hi senator. My question is, have you always been supportive of the gay community?

[Cut to split screen. Cory Booker on left and Aidy Bryant on right]

Cory Booker: Absolutely, yes. I have nothing but respect since day one.

Aidy Bryant: But in 1992–

Cory Booker: Uh-oh.

Aidy Bryant: –you published an op-ed where you said some very derogatory things about the gay community.

Cory Booker: Now, I don’t want to think– I don’t want you to think I’m dodging the question. So I’m going to go now.

[Cut to Anderson Cooper]

Anderson Cooper: Our next candidate is playing with a home field advantage.

[Cut to Billy Porter]

Billy Porter: Yes! Representing the house of Booty-gig, it’s mayor Pete!

[Cut to Pete Buttigieg walks in and stands next to Anderson Cooper]

[Cheers and applause]

Pete Buttigieg: Thank you, thank you very much. I went to Harvard, but they don’t teach you where to put your arms.

Anderson Cooper: Our next question comes from Daniel.

Daniel: Yeah. How do you respond to those who say you’re not gay in the right way?

[Cut to split screen. Pete Buttigieg at left and Daniel at right.]

Pete Buttigieg: You know, I’ve heard that. But there’s no wrong way to be gay. Unless you’re Ellen this week.

[Cut to Pete Buttigieg and Anderson Cooper]

Anderson Cooper: Any other questions?

Pete Buttigieg: And actually, Anderson, I have one . [Cut to Pete Buttigieg] Why am I not winning this? I’m a veteran, under the legal retirement age and when I talk it makes sense. Is something wrong with me.

[Cut to Pete Buttigieg and Anderson Cooper]

Anderson Cooper: No- no. You’re great guy, just like, as a friend, not for president.

Pete Buttigieg: Oh, yeah. That makes sense. \
Anderson Cooper: Can I call you an Uber?

Pete Buttigieg: Oh no. I drove.

[Buttigieg leaves]

Anderson Cooper: Well, I hope you didn’t fill up on snacks, because now it’s time for the meat and potatoes.

[Cut to Billy Porter]

Billy Porter: Warrening – warrening— the sentator is here! She’s got a plan for the future! It’s Elizabeth Warren!

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren getting in to the stage]

Elizabeth Warren: Thank you, Billy. Thank you, Anderson. I am so excited to be here. I had some apples slices backstage and they’re hitting me like cocaine! You know, I am not a lesbian, but all the ingredients are there. Let’s go.

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren and Anderson]

Anderson Cooper: Who would like to ask a question?

[Cut to Beck Bennett]

Beck Bennett: So, senator, let’s say you’ve been on the campaign trial.

[Cut to split screen. Elizabeth Warren at left and Beck Bennett at right]

Elizabeth Warren: Yeah, I have.

Beck Bennett: How would you respond if someone said to you, “I’m old-fashioned and my faith teaches me that marriage is between one man and one woman?”

Elizabeth Warren:  Look, well, I’m going to assume it’s a guy asking.

[Cut to Billy Porter]

Billy Porter: Oh, snap! The library is open, and you about to get read!

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren]

Elizabeth Warren: I would say, sir, tell me your bus stop, because I want to know where you get off. What else? What else? If someone doesn’t want to serve gay people at their small business I bet that’s not the only thing that’s small. And when people say, gay and in France, people shouldn’t be included in civil rights protections. Well, I wish their parents had used protection.

[Music starts palying and Elizabeth Warren starts dancing]

[Elizabeth Warren opens her wig while dancing. She is bald.]

[Cut to Billy Porter]

Billy Porter: Yea, yea! Work it out, work it out! And now from the house of urban deliciousness, it’s Julian Castro.

[Cut to Julian Castro walks to the stage and stands beside Anderson Cooper]

[Cheers and applause]

Julian Castro: So happy to be here, and look, I even got a participation ribbon. Now, come on. Cut to the chase. When do the ‘Queer eyes’ guys come out? I want to go rock climbing with Karamo.

Anderson Cooper: This isn’t “Queer Eye” senator.

Julian Castro: Actually it’s secretary.

Anderson Cooper: I wouldn’t tell people that. Okay, next question.

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor]

Melissa Villaseñor: My question is if elected what will you do to bring queer voices to your cabinet?

[Cut to Julian Castro]

Julian Castro: Well, first of all, gracias. As a democrat, I want to apologize for not being gay, but I promise to do better in the future. However, I am Latino, which we can all agree is something. Look, I’m young. I’m diverse. I’m Latinobama. Let’s get the hashtag going #latinobama. Please.

[Cut to Julian Castro and Anderson Cooper]

Anderson Cooper: All right. Anything else you’d like to say?

[Cut to Julian Castro]

Julian Castro: You know there was once another man who left his mark on this nation’s history, but he never became president. Hoe how so?

[Cut to Julian Castro and Anderson Cooper]

Anderson Cooper: Really?

Julian Castro: Come on!

Anderson Cooper: Thank you, secretary.

Julian Castro: Remember to vote for me for vice president. I mean president.

[Cut to Billy Porter]

Billy Porter: Yes, yes, yes! And now, the Delaware daddy who’s only vice is the Choo Choo Train! It’s vice president Biden, y’all!

[Cut to Joe Biden walks in and stands beside Anderson]

[Cheers and applause]

Joe Biden: Hi, Anderson. Good to see you. I am so excited to be here.

Anderson Cooper: [Pushing Joe Biden slightly away from himself] Too close, Mr. Vice President. Too close. How are you tonight?

[Cut to Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: I’m glad we’re doing this. The vast majority of people in America are not homophobic. They’re just scared of gay people.

[Cut to Joe Biden and Anderson]

Anderson Cooper: That’s what homophobic means, Joe.

Joe Biden: Look, you know me. I believe we’re all equal, whether you’re gay, lesbie, transgender or queer, you’re okay with Joe.

Anderson Cooper: I’m going to give you a second to reset and go to an audience question.

[Cut to split screen. Joe Biden at left and Bowen Yang at right]

Bowen Yang: Hi, Mr. Vice President.

Joe Biden: Oh, look at you. If I told you, you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?

Bowen Yang: Sure. Mr. Vice President, how can you defend your past support of don’t ask, don’t tell?

[Cut to Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: I’m glad you asked that question and let me answer by telling you a false memory. Now, the year was 19 [thinking] 26, and I was in Downtown Dover with my father. And we see two very well dressed men, very well dressed men. You know what I mean by well dressed? [Cut to Joe Biden and Anderson] Right? Anyway, who’s nervous about this story? Show of hands.

[Cut to everybody raising their hands]

[Cut to Joe Biden and Anderson]

Anderson Cooper: We’re all nervous, Joe.

Joe Biden: Then I’ll keep going, [Cut to Joe Biden] and these men turned the corner and kissed. And I turned to my daddy and said, “What the huh?” And he said, “Baby, they were born this way.” And that was Delaware 19 Clickity Clack.

[Cut to Joe Biden and Anderson]

Anderson Cooper: Okay, Joe. Thank you for being here.

Joe Biden: And thank you for everyone that played tonight but we all know I’m your guy. So in closing, [Joe Biden walks close to Anderson] ever been kissed by a VP before? [Joe Biden kisses Anderson]

Anderson Cooper: I think we’re done here. And –

[Cut to everybody]

Everybody: Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Weekend Update Trump Brushes Off Impeachment Concerns

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[Cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening, everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che. I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: As impeachment gains momentum, president Trump said he may stop referring to the media as ‘Fake News’. And start calling them ‘Corrupt news’. And the media says they may stop referring to him as ‘President Trump’ and start calling him former president Trump.

[Cheers and applause]

Trump has brushed off any concern about impeachment saying, “I’m used to it. It’s like putting on a suit.” Meaning it’s a massive daily struggle that takes up most of his mornings. This week we also started seeing evidence of the white house covering up the Ukraine scandal, like one not all suspicious text that said, “There were no quid pro quos of any kind.” Unfortunately the next text was the wink emoji, cash emoji, crazy wink emoji and then the Guiliani emoji.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Trump keeps saying there was no quid pro quo, which can only mean there was mad quid pro quo. Whenever a guy with like a 30 word vocabulary starts quoting the law in Latin it’s because breaks the law all the time. That’s only something you can learn the hard way. There’s guys that can barely count but can somehow tell you exactly how much cocaine you can get caught with before it’s considered trafficking. That’s three grams, by the way.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Then Trump publicly asked China to investigate Joe Biden, because apparently Trump thinks that’s what presidents should do.

[Cut to video clip of Donald Trump speaking]

Donald Trump: This was not about politics. This is about corruption. And if you look and you read our constitution and many other things, we—I have an obligation to look at corruption. I have an actual obligation and a duty.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: First of all, you’re screaming. Just a thought, maybe don’t hold all your press conferences next to an active helicopter. Also you’re going after Joe Biden for corruption? I mean, the guy lives in Delaware. He still takes a train to work every day. If he’s stealing billions of dollars, he’s waiting a long time to spend it.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Trump hasn’t been handling this impeachment news well. He’s been on a twitter rampage. He’s openly called for China to investigate Joe Biden. It also came out that Trump suggested adding a moat filled with alligators and snakes to his proposed border wall. I don’t know how to say this, but are we sure that it’s okay to make fun of this guy? Did you ever read “Of mice and men”? Remember how Lenny was really strong? What if Trump is really strong? I’ve got a cousin who is also very strong. He loves Alligators too. But we don’t make fun of him. Trump tweeted 800 times in the past month. For context, Crissy Teigen tweeted 218 times. Now obviously I feel like the president should be a lot busier than Crissy Teigen. But if Trump is as strong as I think he is, then good job, big bella.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of Nickelback meme at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Twitter removed an anti-Joe Biden Nickelback meme that was posted by the president.

Michael Che: See, he’s strong.

Colin Jost:  Which is a sentence that if you had said it at any other time in history, would have meant that you were in the middle of a stroke. I also want to point out that Nickelback is Canadian. So Trump was still technically using foreigners to go after Joe Biden.

[The picture changes to Bernie Sanders] In the third quarter of this year, Bernie Sanders raised $25 million and then did what any 78-year-old would do after winning $25 million, he had a heart attack.

Weekend Update Supercentenarian Mort Fellner Returns

Mort Felder … Mikey Day

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set]

Colin Jost: American votes over 700 super centenarians, that’s people over 110 years old and many are making headlines. Here with the super centenarian news is here is Mort Felder.

[Mort Felder slides in]

Mort Felder: Yes, thank you. Hello, Colin. [Cut to Mort Felder and Colin Jost] My wife says you look like a young Errol Flynn.

Colin Jost: Great. So you got some news stories for us, Mort?

Mort Felder: You bet. Here are some of the super things America’s super centenarians are up to.

[Cut to Mort Felder]

Last week, 114 year-old Howard Donahue finally achieved his lifelong dream of experiencing the warm waters of Hawaii.

[Cut to Mort Felder and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Oh, well that’s fun.
Mort Felder: His ashes were spread near the coast on Sunday. He will be missed.

Colin Jost: That’s not where I thought that story was going, Mort.

Mort Felder: Well, yeah. [Cut to Mort Felder] How about 111-year-old Jan Butler, who because the oldest living person to take the bar exam last month. And she passed–

[Cut to Mort Felder and Colin jost]

Colin Jost: Go, Jan!

Mort Felder: –away, moments after completing the task. Rest in peace, Jan.

Colin Jost: Okay, well it’s still a great accomplishment for her.

Mort Felder: Yes, it is. Colin, guess who, 115-year-old Clint Eastwood super fan Eda Kerns finally met?

Colin Jost: Clint Eastwood?

[Cut to Mort Felder]

Mort Felder: Her maker. Eda passed peacefully in her home on Thursday.

[Cut to Mort Felder and Colin]

Colin Jost: Are there any stories with happier endings, Mort?

Mort Felder: Yeah. How about some Showbiz News?

Colin Jost: Love it, great.

Mort Felder: All right. [Cut to Mort Felder] 116-year-old Paul Douglas did his first standup comedy set at the Temple Improv on Friday.

[Cut to Mort Felder and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Hey, that’s good for Paul.

Mort Felder: Yes, he did a very energetic 45-minute set and absolutely destroyed–

Colin Jost: Nice.

[Cut to Mort Felder]

Mort Felder: –his fragile immune system in the process and passed shortly thereafter. I’m just reporting the news. R.I.P, Paul.

Colin Jost: That’s too bad. [Cut to Mort Felder and Colin Jost] I was really excited about that one.

Mort Felder: Hey, time for sports news. Colin, do you like baseball?

Colin Jost: I’m afraid to say, but yes, I do.

[Cut to Mort Felder]

Mort Felder: You do? Well, not as much as Joe Feeney who on Sunday joined the Angels.

[Cut to Mort Felder and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Oh, no.

Mort Felder: No, the Angels baseball team.

Colin Jost: Oh, okay.
Mort Felder: In Anaheim, who honored Joe’s five decades of fandom. He even threw out the first pitch. And the umpire called–

[Cut to Mort Felder and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: A strike?

Mort Felder: 911 when he collapsed on the mound. But Joe remains alive and well.

Colin Jost: Yay! Hi, Joe.

Mort Felder: In our hearts. As he died en route to the hospital.

Colin Jost: Thank you, Mort. Mort Felder with the super centenarian news. For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Good night.

Weekend Update Sen. Elizabeth Warren Fundraises for Her 2020 Campaign

Elizabeth Warren … Kate McKinnon

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost on his set]

Colin Jost: Senator Elizabeth Warren has raised over $24 million in the past three months. Here to comment is senator Elizabeth Warren.

[Elizabeth Warren slides in]

[Cheers and applause]

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren and Colin Jost]

Elizabeth Warren: Hello Colin.

Colin Jost: Hi, senator. Firm handshake. So you raised all of this money without any corporate donations, is that right? That’s right. That’s grass roots. And guess what, mama loves to garden. [Cut to Elizabeth Warren] That’s why everyday I spend for hours taking selfies with every Warby Parker customers in America. And then I unwind by calling all my small donors to personally thank them.

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Oh, right, yes. I assume you do that on Instagram.

Elizabeth Warren: Yes, I’m calling people like Janet in St. Louis [Cut to Elizabeth Warren] who sent me a $2 check and a bogo coupon from Duane Reade. [Cut to Elizabeth Warren and Colin Jost] Mind if I give her a call now?

Colin Jost: It’s not the best time.

Elizabeth Warren: Right, right. Janet, hi, it’s Elizabeth Warren. [Cut to Elizabeth Warren] I wanted to thank you– Oh, it’s bad time? For the middle class? Okay, bye. [Cut to Elizabeth Warren and Colin Jost] That’s Janet. Oh, do you mind if I do a thousand more?

Colin Jost: A thousand? No, we don’t have time for a thousand, I’m sorry. I just wanted to know, that there’s been some big money donors for democrats who said they would rather vote for Trump than you.

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren]

Elizabeth Warren: You’re kidding me. What? The billionaires don’t like me? Oh, no! Look, I’m going to tell them the same thing my grandson told me when he took me to ‘Avengers infinity war’. This ain’t for you. That’s why you don’t like it. But then again, taking big checks from wall street worked great for the last lady running for president. Let me just skip Wisconsin and change my name to email Benghazi while I’m at it.

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Who’s up there?

Elizabeth Warren: My friend.

Colin Jost: You’ve also been in the news because a fringe conspiracy theorist accused of you having a bdsm relationship with a 24 year old Marine.

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren]

Elizabeth Warren: That’s Elizabeth Warren’s vibes for sure. Transactional sex with a younger man. Look, rumors have power when they feel true. What has ever felt less true than a single part of that? If you think I’m in a room with a veteran and I don’t immediately thank him for his service and make sure he’s getting his VA benefits, you’re insane. Also, 24? Any man younger than me by one day is my grandson. But part of that is true. I am into bdsm. Bank-destroying and saving medicare. Woo! So okay, I want to say thank you to all of my donors like Beth in Orlando who sent me this hastily needle pointed pillow that says, “Nevertheless she persists” or Linda in Des Moines who sent me this scary doll of myself. Finally, I’m going to call a young gentleman named Michael in New York.

[phone ringing]

[Cut to Michael Che]

Michael Che: Hello?

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren, Colin Jost and Michael Che]

Elizabeth Warren: Mike, it’s Elizabeth Warren. Thanks for the ten g’s.

Michael Che: No problem.

Colin Jost: Wait, you donated ten grand to Elizabeth Warren?

[Cut to Michael Che]

Michael Che: Yes, I like that she had sex with that marine.

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Elizabeth Warren everyone.

Weekend Update R. Kelly Held without Bail

Michael Che

Colin Jost

[Starts with Michael Che in his set. There’s a picture of a dog and dog food at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A number of companies have started offering plant based dog food options, perfect for anyone who wants to pick up liquid dukie with a plastic bag.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of R Kelly at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Lawyers for R. Kelly, who is being held without bail, are complaining that the singer is only allowed to visit with one of his girlfriends at a time. Worse, visiting hours conflict with their schedule of their middle school.

[The picture changes to a glass of red wine.]

A new study suggests that fathers to be should stop drinking alcohol six months before trying to conceive a child. The study’s goal was to end Ireland.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of a news article at left top corner that says ‘Man Hit in Testicle’.]

Michael Che: A Manhattan attorney has filed a $100,000 lawsuit against a batting cage company after a faulty machinefired a 75mph fastball into his left testicle. I guess, ball one.

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: A new study found cats bond with people like dogs do but they’re too aloof to show it. Which is why I named my cat ‘Dad’.

[Picture changes to a news article with a title ‘Man Can’t Find Car After a Week’.]

A man who drove his car to a music festival still cannot remember where he parked his car a week after the show. We hope you make it back soon, [Picture changes to Pete Davidson] Pete.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of a pet horse at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Residents on Staten Island are upset with a local man who keeps a pet horse in his yard saying the animal smells and attracts flies. You know what else smells and attracts flies? Staten Island.

[Picture changes to a news article ‘Billboard Displays Porn.]

Two people in Michigan accessed the computer billboard along a highway and changed a display to show a pornographic movie. As a result, police say there were a record number of Carjacking.

Weekend Update Disney World’s Vegan Menu – SNL

Michael Che

Colin Jost

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Disney World at the top right corner.]

Michael Che: Disney announced that it’s theme parks will start selling vegan food options. Finally, something at Disney where there won’t be a line.

[Picture changes to a news article that says ‘Passenger opens exit for fresh air’]

A flight in China was delayed after a passenger opened an emergency exit door because she wanted a breath of fresh air. Which was clearly a lie because we all know China doesn’t have fresh air.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of Placido Domingo at top left corner.]

Colin Jost: The New York metropolitan opera announced that singer Flacido Domingo has stepped down after accusations of sexual misconduct. He will be replaced by his far left sexually aggressive understudy [Picture changes of Flacido Domingo with angry expression] Flaccido Domingo.

[The picture changes to The national toy hall of fame.]

The national toy hall of fame has announced it’s 12 finalists for this year’s class including care bears, jenga, my little pony and longshot nominee [Picture changes to a kid with a burning match stick.] matches.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of a news article that says ‘Woman trapped by camel’ with a picture of camel.]

Michael Che: A woman in Louisiana who became trapped under a camel freed herself by biting the animal’s testicles. The idea came to her after she wasted four hours licking them.

[The picture changes to a symbol of white supremacists]

A civil rights group has added 36 new symbols to it’s data base of symbols used by white supremacists, including the OK hand gesture, a moon wearing sunglasses and of course this photo. [Picture changes to Colin Jost]

[Cut to Colin Jost confused. There is a picture of JUUL at top left corner.]

Colin Jost: E-cigarette maker Juul’s CEO has stepped down amid new concerns over the safety of vaping. Through keep in mind the CEO of Juul is just a can of 4 Loco with a sex addiction.

Michael Che: Whoa.

[Picture changes to an airport]

Colin Jost: A new airport has opened in China that has the world’s largest terminal and can handle 72 million passengers a year. Not to be outdone, officials at Newark just slid a coaster under a corner to keep the airport from wobbling.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che]

For ‘Weekend Update” I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Good night.