Tag: Colin Jost

Weekend Update: End of Impeachment Hearings

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with ‘Weekend Update’ intro]

Announcer: It’s “Weekend Update” with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]

Colin Jost: Thank you very much. Good evening.

Michael Che: Welcome to “Weekend Update”. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin jost. There is a picture of impeachment hearing at left top corner.]

Testimony in the impeachment hearing concluded in the house this week. And now the debate will shift to your house for thanksgiving. [Picture changes to David Nunes] It was reported last night that one of the stars of the hearing, congressman Devin Nunes, who has resting Spongebob face allegedly met in secret last year with a Ukrainian prosecutor to get dirt on the Bidens. So, the guy who’s supposed to be investigating Trump helped him do the crime. Nunes is so deep in this, he’s basically living in a pineapple under the sea. Now, the source of the theory is a little unreliable. So, I probably should not have mentioned it on TV. But, hey, that never stopped Devin Nunes. Do you remember when he said this about democrats?

[Cut to David Nunes speaking]

David Nunes: They got caught trying to obtain nude photos of president Trump from Russian pranksters.

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Yeah. Somehow, I don’t think Russia has a lot of pranksters. It’s not like when the president of Russia poisons a journalist he jumps out and yells, “You just got Putined!” [Picture changes to Gordon Sondland] But the big revelation this week has the EU ambassador Gordon Sondland explicitly tied Trump, Mike Pompeo, and Mike Pence to the Ukraine scandal. It’s especially though for Pence, [picture changes to Mike Pence] whose greatest fear is being tied to something by another man.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of Gordon Sondland at right top corner.]

Michael Che: I love how much fun Sondland was having. Look at his face. He’s in court for one of the biggest political scandals of all time, and he looks like he just took a molly suppository. How is he so relaxed in court? Meanwhile, every time a cop asks my name, I get so nervous I can barely say Kenan Thompson.

[Cut to Colin jost. There is a picture of David Holmes and Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: On Thursday, state department official David Holmes testified to overhearing a phone call between Trump and Sondland, to which the president responded, [Cut to Donald Trump’s tweet] “I have been watching people make phone calls my entire life. My hearing is, and has been, great. Never have I been able to hear or understand a conversation.” [Cut to Colin Jost] Well, I definitely believe you have never understood a conversation. That actually explains—everything. But I’m not sure you have great hearing based on every press conference I have even seen you do.

[Cut to several video clips of Donald Trump speaking in press conference.]

Donald Trump: I can’t hear you. [Cut to another clip] I can’t hear you, John. [Cut to another clip] You’re gonna have to speak a little louder. [Cut to another clip] Speak up! [Cut to another clip] I can’t hear your question. [Cut to another clip] I think you’re gonna have to speak up. [Cut to another clip] You have to speak up, I can’t hear you.

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: [With hand gestures] I said your hearing is great. Trump also tweeted that he’s strongly considering testifying before congress in the impeachment inquiry and, oh, my god, I wish he would. Can you imagine if both Trump and Giuliani testified on live TV? The ratings would be insane. It would be like the super bowl. But with worst brain damage.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of Michael Bloomberg at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Former New York city mayor Michael Bloomberg spoke at predominantly black church in Brooklyn, where he apologized for this ‘Stop and Frisk” policy. And as a black man from New York I’ll say, apology noted. Not accepted. Just noted. Because as much as I hate to be racially profiled, I got to admit,  “Stop and Frisk” did give me a good excuse for being late to work a lot. It also helped me find a lot of weed, I thought I lost.

[Cut to Colin Jost laughing]

2020 Democratic Debate

Rachel Maddow… Melissa Villaseñor

Elizabeth Warren… Kate McKinnon

Kamala Harris… Maya Rudolph

Pete Buttigieg… Colin Jost

Bernie Sanders… Larry David

Amy Klobuchar… Rachel Dratch

Joe Biden… Woody Harrelson

Cory Booker… Chris Redd

Andrew Yang… Bowen Yang

Tom Steyer… Will Ferrell

Michael Bloomberg… Fred Armisen

Tulsi Gabbard… Cecily Strong

[Starts with MSNBC intro]

Announcer: And now MSNBC’s special coverage of the democratic debate.

[Cut to the MSNBC debate set]

[Cheers and applause]

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Hello. I am Rachel Maddow and we are live from Tyler Perry studios in Atlanta. So, hello and good afternoon. I want to start the debate with the question on everyone’s mind—who can beat Donald Trump?

[Cut to the people competing]

Elizabeth Warren: Me, me, me. My hand—my hand went up first.

[Cut to Rachel Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: That’s not how it works, but go ahead.

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren]

Elizabeth Warren: Right, right, right. Look, I know in past debates, I’ve been accused of being overambitious, right? I’ve got mom hosting thanksgiving energy. I’m a little overwhelmed ‘cause I thought ten people were coming and now there’s 30 million. But I promise dinner will be ready if you just get out of the kitchen and stop asking questions. And of course, this thanksgiving I will be cooking my specialty. Maybe don’t say it. The food of my ancestors. Should I say it? I’m going to say it—Maize.

[Cut to Kamala Harris]

Kamala Harris: Oh, that’s a good one, Liz.

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Sounds like you’re in a good mood tonight, senator Harris.

[Cut to Kamala Harris]

Kamala Harris: Oh, I am. I am. The fun is back, baby. America’s fun aunt. I’m also America’s cool aunt. The C—you know what? Let’s not do that. Tonight, I’m not going to worry about the polling numbers. I’m just going to have fun and see if I can get some viral moments. Mama needs a ‘gif’. Gonna tell my kids this is Michelle Obama. [Cut to a twitter meme]

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Mayor Pete, you’re looking adorable tonight in your little suit.

[Cut to Pete Buttigieg]

Pete Buttigieg: Thank you. Thank you. It’s from my first communion.

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: You’re polling at zero with black voters. Any idea why?

[Cut to Pete Buttigieg]

Pete Buttigieg: Maybe just because of like this.

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Senator Sanders, you’re looking—

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Yeah, yeah, yeah. [Cheers and applause] I want to begin by thanking you all for the well wishes. I did have a heart attack-ack-ack-ack. So, you ought to know by now, I’m doing better than ever. Doctors were surprised I made it. And I’m very proud of the fact that I was the first heart attack patient to show up in the emergency room in a city bus.

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Let’s go now to senator Klobuchar.

[Cut to Amy Klobuchar]

[Cheers and applause]

Amy Klobuchar: Thank you Rachel. I know some of you think I’m shaking because I’m nervous, but that’s just my signature quivering bang. It’s my spidey sense that tingles whenever we need a moderate to say, “Girl, we can’t pay for that.”

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Vice president Biden, you’re flashing your teeth at me?

[Cut to Joe Biden]

[Cheers and applause]

Joe Biden: I just want everyone to know America, I see you. And I see the faces you all make when I talk. You’re scared. Scared I’ll say something off-color or even worse—on color. What I want you to know is you should be scared because I’m always one second away from calling Cory Booker ‘Barack’.

[Cut to Cory Booker]

Cory Booker: Okay, I’d like to respond, but first because this is the only time I’ll be talking I just want to say black church, barber shops, greens, beans, tomatoes, potatoes. Now to vice president Biden, I was stunned to hear you don’t support the legalization of marijuana. In fact, rehearsed joke, I thought you were high when you said it.

[Cut to Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: Let me tell you a story from my youth, or maybe from a movie or a cartoon. It was with a buddy of mine who got so whacked on the sticky-icky kush, he says, “I’ve a great idea. We ought to go to white castle.” Next thing you know, Kumar and I are driving around high as kites with Neil Patrick Harris and that’s before he was gay. That’s why I never puffed the stuff.

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: We also want to welcome Andrew Yang who I can tell is already mad he hasn’t talked yet.

[Cut to Andrew Yang]

Andrew Yang: No, not at all. It’s me Andrew Yang. I want to say what up to my yang gang? Hey, what do you say we get a yang gang bang going, huh? I want to take this opportunity to announce my VP, the new Tesla cyber truck.

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: We also want to welcome Tom Steyer.

[Cut to Tom Steyer]

Tom Steyer: Hi, guys. I’m billionaire Tom Steyer. And I’m running for president for a simple reason—it’s fun. And it gets me out of the house.

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: I’m sorry, Mr. Steyer. My producers are telling me you have to blink.

[Cut to Tom Steyer]

Tom Steyer: I have to do what?

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Blink. You have to blink at some point.

[Cut to Tom Steyer]

Tom Steyer: Oh, no, I do not. And I will not.

[Cut to Michael Bloomberg]

Michael Bloomberg: Did somebody say billionaire?

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: No. Mayor Bloomberg, how did you get in here?

[Cut to Michael Bloomberg]

Michael Bloomberg: Well, I tipped the doorman $30 million.

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Does this mean you are officially running for president?

[Cut to Michael Bloomberg]

Michael Bloomberg: I don’t know. Maybe. Maybe not. I’d be heard to beat. I’d love to see Trump supporters come up with a conspiracy theory  about a Jewish billionaire with his own media company. Good luck making that stick.

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: And let’s introduce underdog candidate and tonight’s villain, Tulsi Gabbard.

[Cut to Tulsi Gabbard]

Tulsi Gabbard: Thank you, Rachel. What an honor it is to be on this stage with my fellow candidates. I want you to know that I smell your fear and it makes me stronger. I’m wearing the white suit of your fallen hero Hillary Clinton. Now fight me, cowards.

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Senator Harris, would you like to respond?

[Cut to Kamala Harris]

Kamala Harris: Tulsi, I’m going to be real with you. You scare the hell our of me. You just gave me Ermahgerd, Gersbermps. [Posing for a meme]

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Our next question is for senator Klobuchar. Do you think you can get the funding to stay in this race?

[Cut to Amy Klobuchar]

Amy Klobuchar: I know I can. I’ve got $17,000 from ex-boyfriends. All I had to do was threaten to come back in their lives.

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Okay. That brings us to tonight’s next topic which is health care.

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren and Bernie Sanders. Bernie Sanders presses the buzzer first. Elizabeth Warren is trying the buzzer more than one time.]

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Okay. I don’t know how you got buzzers, but Bernie rang in first.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Here’s my plan for health care. No co-pay. No out of pocket. The only thing that comes out of my pockets are tissues, receipts, loose cough drops, a movie stub for ‘Florence Foster Jenkins’ which is so-so. And of course, the little button in the baggie that comes with the pants. Most people throw it out. Do yourself a favor. Hold onto it. You never know.

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Mr. Steyer, you look like you have something to say.

[Cut to Tom Steyer]

Tom Steyer: I want to speak directly to you, America. [Tom Steyer starts walking towards the camera] Health care is important, but housing affects everything.—where you sleep, where you shop, where you get your shoes shined, where you buy jewels, where you raise peacocks. Am I relatable?

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Mr. Steyer, I’m gonna need you to take a step back.

[Cut to Tom Steyer]

Tom Steyer: Sorry. Am I too close?

[Cut to Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: Did somebody say too close? Brother, like your style. Look, I’m supported by that same coalition that elected Obama. Blafrican Americans. Even the Mexitinos and the Chorientals. Heck, the only black woman ever elected to the senate endorsed me.

[Cut to Kamala Harris]

Kamala Harris: Excuse me? No, no, Joe. There have been two black women elected to the senate and that second black woman— it me.

[Cut to a tiktok video where Kamala Harris is doing her dance]

[Cut to Michael Bloomberg]

Michael Bloomberg: Is there still time for me to come in late and ruin everything?

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: No. We have to move on to closing statements.

[Cut to Michael Bloomberg]

Michael Bloomberg: Wait, I need to quickly throw in some Spanish, because Miguel Bloomberg is En Guego.

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Okay. That counts as good-bye for you. We’ll now move on to Mayor Buttigieg.

[Cut to Pete Buttigieg]

Pete Buttigieg: America, I know I can do this because my supporters are a diverse coalition from young to old, gay to straight, white to eggshell. Thank you.

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Tulsi Gabbard, time for your closing statement.

[Cut to Tulsi Gabbard]

Tulsi Gabbard: I have no interest in those Dalmatian puppies. [laughing evilly] I yield my time.

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Senator Klobuchar?

[Cut to Amy Klobuchar]

Amy Klobuchar: Look, I could say a lot about the issues we have talked about tonight, but the sad thing is you’re not listening to a word I’m saying because you’re just watching my hair dance on my forehead. Excuse me, my eyes are down here, not up here.

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Senator Warren that brings us to you.

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren]

Elizabeth Warren: Hey, hey, here’s the thing, guys. It’s November and it’s cussing season. You’re single in your late 30s and I’m a solid option. If it’s Marry, “F”, kill I’m aware I’m not the “F”, but I’m definitely not the kill. So come on, America, put a ring on it.

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Senator Sanders?

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: As many of you know, a lot of my opponents like to throw the word “Socialist” around for me. But let me ask you, is it fair that only the top 2% often get a free Biscotti with their coffee? We would all love a free Biscotti. You dip it. You dunk it and it’s delicious. So, if it’s socialism, sign me up. Tell me this. Is it fair that when the top 2% want to turn off the lights in their bedroom all they have to do is clap? They’ve got the clappers. Shouldn’t we all have clappers? Either everybody has a clapper or nobody has a clapper, and that’s the America I want to live in.

[Cheers and applause]

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Vice president Joe Biden?

[Cut to Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: The hearings have made it clear. That Donald Trump doesn’t want me to be the nominee. Vladimir Putin doesn’t want me to be the nominee. Nobody in America wants me to be the nominee. But I am confident I can win the election in 2016.

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: And senator Harris, your closing statement?

[Cut to Kamala Harris]

Kamala Harris: The democratic party needs to stop taking black women for granted, specifically one black woman—me. I mean ,come on. You said you would vote for me. [Poses for a meme]

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Well, that’s all the time we have. Tom, take us out.

[Cut to the speakers]

Tom Steyer: [High-fiving everyone] Good game, good game. Good game, good game.

Weekend Update Colin Kaepernick Works Out, World’s Largest Starbucks

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Colin Kaepernick at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Colin Kaepernick held a private workout today to show that he can still play in NFL. But if he can’t, he’ll have to settle for playing with the New York Giants.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Italy map at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Italy will become the first country in the world to make it mandatory for schools to teach children about climate change. Because, as Italian scientists put it, “The earth is about to become one spicy meat-a-ball.”

[The picture changes to Starbucks logo]

The largest Starbucks in the world opened Friday in Chicago. The news was first reported in Hobo bathroom quarterly.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Sesame Street at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Sesame street has turned 50 years old which explains why big bird got Botox. You’ll like this one. [The picture changes to China’s map] During the Chinese shopping holiday known as singles day which celebrates people who are single, shoppers spent $1 billion in the first 60 seconds. Coincidentally blowing a big wad in the first 60 seconds is why many of them are single in the first place.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of sea beach and drugs at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Beaches in the South Western France have been shut down after mysterious bricks of cocaine keep washing up on shore. Prompting questions like, “Shich beaches and where exactly?”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of news article at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A man in Iowa who went to a medical clinic for a circumcision and instead given a vasectomy was awarded $2 million, plus tip.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of new infinity pool of London at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The world’s first infinity pool with a 360 degree pool has opened in London on the top of a Skyscraper. Perfect for anyone who wants to fall to their death playing Marco-polo.

Weekend Update Jeff Sessions on His Trump-Friendly Campaign Ads

Jeff Sessions… Kate McKinnon

Colin Jost

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set]

Colin Jost: Last week, former Attorney General Jeff Sessions announced a bid to regain his Alabama senate seat by releasing an ad campaign, “so complimentary of Trump” that many called it ‘groveling and pathetic’. Here to comment, Jeff sessions.

[Jeff Sessions joins Colin Jost.]

Jeff Sessions: Hello, Colin. Jeff. It’s good to be here.

Colin Jost: Mr. Sessions, welcome back. I’m so excited to talk about your campaign.

Jeff Sessions: Oh, me too. But actually, do you mind if I have a little bite of food before we start?

[Jeff Sessions takes a big fruit out and starts chewing]

Colin Jost: What is that, senator?

[Cut to Jeff Sessions]

Jeff Sessions: Oh, this is a sesame seed. Just like the kind that was on Mr. Trump’s big mac buns.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Jeff Sessions]

Colin Jost:  I have to say, it sounds like you really miss him.

Jeff Sessions: Oh, I do, I do. But I know he still cares about me. See, don’t forget, [Cut to Jeff Sessions] I was the very first person to endorse Mr. Trump. I’m a pioneer. Like Neil Armstrong. Only instead of flying to the moon, I dug straight down to hell.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Jeff Sessions]

Colin Jost: A lot of people are saying that you’re just kind of sucking up to the president.

Jeff Sessions: Sucking up? No. Does this sound like sucking up to you?

[Cut to Jeff Sessions doing his commercial live]

Hello. I’m Jeff Sessions and I love you, Mr. Trump. When you fired me, did I write some nasty tell-all book? No. Did I get mad when you called me Mr. Magoo but Fuglier? No. when you called animal control on me, well, I just got in that little cage. So, vote for Jeff Sessions, because I will bend over backwards for you, Alabama, and I will bend over forward for Mr. Trump.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Jeff Sessions]

Colin Jost: Jeff. Come on!

Jeff Sessions: That was pretty good.

Colin Jost: Pretty good? It felt like a message from a hostage video. A lot of people are saying you have Stockholm syndrome.

[Cut to Jeff Sessions]

Jeff Sessions: Well, that’s a damn lie. I do not have Stockholm syndrome.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Jeff Sessions]

Colin Jost: I just don’t understand– I don’t understand a couple of things. I don’t understand why you would want the approval of someone who has called you some pretty harsh names?

Jeff Sessions: OH, Colin, hush your mouth. We buried that hatchet in my latest ad. Look at this.

[Cut to Jeff Sessions doing his commercial live]

Hello, I’m Jeff Sessions, or as my hero Mr. Trump has called me, dumb Southerner, Dumb Ass Southerner, Dumb Southerner Dumb Ass, Deep fried idiot, two shrimps short of a gum and messed up baby. And I forgot where I was going with this but I will fight for you, Alabama, and I will let you hunt me for sport, Mr. Trump.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Jeff Sessions]

Colin Jost: Jeff, come on. Where is your dignity? How do you sleep at night?

Jeff Sessions: Why I would sheep at night? That’s when everybody throws out their apple cores.

Colin Jost: I think these ads are making you look kind of weak, you know? One conservative pundit recently asked if you still had your balls.

Jeff Sessions: Oh, no. I rescued myself from them a long time ago.

[Cut to Jeff Sessions. He wears Trump’s red hat.]

Mr. Trump, please look after my balls. Keep them safe in your jacket pocket next to Mitch McConnell’s or dangling off your golf cart like a pair of nuts. In conclusion, vote for me and I will go to back for Alabama and I’ll go to third base for you Mr. Trump.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Jeff Sessions]

Colin Jost: No, you’re not gonna win.

Jeff Sessions: Oh, fine! He can round the basement.

Colin Jost: Jeff Sessions everyone.

Jeff Sessions: This is my legacy. This is my legacy.

Weekend Update Scooter Rineholdt

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set.]

Michael Che: This week it was announced that Dean Foods, America’s largest diary milk producer is filing for bankruptcy. Here to comment is Dean Food’s president of milk distribution, Scooter Rineholdt.

[Scooter Rineholdt joins Michael Che.]

Scooter Rineholdt: Hey! Got an ice cold cow’s milk for you. That’s a good stuff right there.

Michael Che: No thanks. I’m good.

Scooter Rineholdt: So, they got you, too, huh Che? There is nothing wrong with drinking cow’s milk, okay? [Cut to Scooter Rineholdt] I don’t know where these rumors came from. “Dairy is bad for you.” “Cows don’t like it when you touch their boobies.” It’s just not true, Che!

[Cut to Scooter Rineholdt and Michael Che.]

Michael Che:  Whoa. Scooter, calm down, man.

Scooter Rineholdt: Hey, cow’s milk is good for you. [Cut to Scooter Rineholdt] It makes your bones strong and your teeth white.

[Cut to Scooter Rineholdt and Michael Che.]

Michael Che: Hey, Scooter, you okay, man? \
Scooter Rineholdt: Am I okay? [Cut to Scooter Rineholdt] My company is going freaking bankrupt and my wife is porking the mayor. This freaking sucks!  [Cut to Scooter Rineholdt and Michael Che.] Che, ask me something useful before I blow my brains all over your pretty little desk.

Michael Che: Alright, you got– Calm– Okay. Has the milk industry maybe tried some healthier alternatives?

Scooter Rineholdt: No doy, Che. [Cut to Scooter Rineholdt] We use skim, nonfat, little fat, and even one with no lactose. The dairy industry has always been there for you guys. Now because of some nut job out there, everybody is trying these non-dairy milks. I’d rather drink my own piss.

[Cut to Scooter Rineholdt and Michael Che.]

Michael Che: I understand you’re upset but there are some pretty good-tasting and healthy alternative.

Scooter Rineholdt: Oh! Is that right, Che? Good for you, you say? It’s clear someone doesn’t read the news. Isn’t that like your whole deal? You’re like the informed news guy?

Michael Che: What news are you talking about?

Scooter Rineholdt: This was actually all over the web the other day. [Cut to Scooter Rineholdt] Swear to god. “Man quits drinking dairy, goes to bed, never wakes up.” Gees!

[Cut to Scooter Rineholdt and Michael Che.]

Michael Che: What?

Scooter Rineholdt: I mean you hate to see that.

Michael Che: Are you saying not drinking dairy caused a man to die?

[Cut to Scooter Rineholdt]

Scooter Rineholdt: I’m not saying anything but you know, kinda scary, right Che?

[Cut to Scooter Rineholdt and Michael Che.]

Michael Che: Maybe you need to just accept that times are changing okay?

Scooter Rineholdt: Are they, Che? People are out here still eating cheese. [Cut to Scooter Rineholdt] Cheese industry going just fine. Meanwhile, I’m going broke. Kind of. Kind of makes me want to blow my dang brains out all over your pretty little desk.

[Cut to Scooter Rineholdt and Michael Che.]

Michael Che: Hey man, you got to stop saying that, man. Chill.

Scooter Rineholdt: [Yelling] You don’t tell me to chill!

[Cut to Scooter Rineholdt]

There’s all these news about alternative milks. Scaring me, Michael.

[Cut to Scooter Rineholdt and Michael Che.]

Michael Che: You got another news story.

Scooter Rineholdt: Yeah, man. Right here. Wild stuff. [Cut to Scooter Rineholdt] “Pregnant woman drinks oat milk, kid goes blind.

[Cut to Scooter Rineholdt and Michael Che.]

I don’t like that.

Michael Che: Where are you getting these stories?

Scooter Rineholdt: www.milkdaddy.net/importantnews.

[Phone beeping]

Oh, gosh! Breaking news, eh? [Cut to Scooter Rineholdt] “Toddler drinks soy milk, joins ISIS”? And they say guns are a problem.

[Cut to Scooter Rineholdt and Michael Che.]

Michael Che: Scooter Rineholdt, everybody. For “Weekend Update”, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

Weekend Update Trump Moves to Florida

Michael Che

Colin Jost

[Starts with “Weekend Update” intro.]

Announcer: It’s “Weekend Update” with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]

Speaker 1: Thanks, good evening, everyone.

Speaker 2: Welcome to “Weekend Update.” I’m Michael Che.

Speaker 1: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

President Trump announced that he’s changing his permanent residence from New York to Florida. ‘Cause you know what they say, if you can’t drain the swamp, move to it. I gotta say, this is such a genius troll move that Trump raised taxes for New Yorkers and then left New York. It’s like ripping one in an elevator, then pressing all the buttons and running out. Trump also said he’s leaving New York because local politicians have treated him very badly. Especially one New York politician [Picture changes to Rudy Giuliani] who has been actively destroying his life.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Speaker 2: I don’t blame Trump for moving. He got booed today in New York at the UFC fight. He got booed in DC at the world series. Now, he’s moving to Florida so he can get booed at Disney World. He gets booed everywhere he’s ever lived. I mean, [Picture changes to Bill Cosby] even Cosby can still play Philly. You have to be a special kind of guy for New Yorkers to unanimously hate you. I mean, we’ve put up with a lot of bad people. Just today I had a fellow yell the “N” word at me on the subway with a hard “E-R”, and even still I don’t hate him. I just finished peeing and switched cars.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Nancy Pelosi at left top corner.]

Speaker 1: [laughing] Today? The house formalized impeachment inquiry on Thursday. And while it’s the tradition for the speaker of the house not to vote on resolutions, Nancy Pelosi did vote ‘Yes’ to make a point. But I think she went a little too far. When she celebrated world cup style.

[Picture changes to Beto O’Rourke]

Beto O’Rourke announced he’s dropping out of 2020 presidential race. Said Beto, “Ay, Caramba, no I presidente power me.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a wildfire at right top corner.]

Speaker 2: Well, you know things are bad when a whole state is on fire and it’s like, the third biggest story of the week. It’s been reported now the most recent wildfires in the Southern California is threatening millions of dollars worth of avocados. White women are devastated. The state is allowing nonviolent prisoners to help fight the wildfires which is ridiculous because you definitely want to use the violent prisoners for that, right? I mean, if my house is on fire, don’t send me those fellows in for tax frauds. Send me somebody that’s going to make that fire their bitch. Somebody that’s really good with water because they spend all their time hanging out in the showers. [Michael Che crosses his joke on his paper] Nope! Can’t say that.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Rudy Giuliani at left top corner.]

Speaker 1: It was reported that just after president Trump named Rudy Giuliani as his cyber security adviser in 2017. Giuliani went to an Apple store for help after he entered the wrong password in his phone 10 times and permanently locked himself out. Even worse, he went to this apple store. [Picture changes to a fruit shop] By the way, of course Giuliani’s iPhone wouldn’t unlock, because even Apple’s face ID couldn’t recognize the man Rudy has become.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a Jeffrey Epstein at right top corner.]

Speaker 2: A forensic pathologist hired by Jeffrey Epstein’s family is claiming that this death was not a suicide, but that he was murdered. [Suspicious sound played by the studio] That costs us 250 grand. Everybody he’s a crazy conspiracy for this fellow’s death. Oh, the Clintons had him killed, Trump had him killed, the Russians did it. Anything but the boring story that he broke his own neck trying to masturbate with a belt. [Suspicious sound played by the studio] [Michael Che laughing]

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Katie Hill at left top corner.]

Speaker 1: Freshman representative Katie Hill resigned amid allegations that she had an affair with a staff member who had a three way relationship with Hill and her former husband. It’s a shame because Hill was a rare politician who could help two parties come together.

[Picture changes to Elizabeth Warren.]

Elizabeth Warren released a detailed plan for funding medicare for all that promises not to raise middle class taxes by one penny, but instead by several trillion pennies.

Weekend Update Smokery Farms Responds to the Plant-Based Burger Boom

Colin Jost

Michael Che

Vaneta Starkie… Aidy Bryant

Wylene Starkie… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set]

Colin Jost: Burger King reportedly had it’s best sales in four years because of the new impossible whooper which is made from a meat free, plant based patty. Here to respond, are owners of Smokery Farms Meat Gift delivery service, Vaneta and Wylene Starkie.

[Vaneta and Wylene Starkie come in]

Vaneta Starkie: We’re cousins. We’re cousins.

Colin Jost: Welcome back, guys. Has the impossible burger hurt sales of real meat?

Wylene Starkie: Well, it ain’t helping, Colin. Okay? This computer beef that bleeds like the real thing is killing us.

[Cut to Vaneta and Wylene Starkie]

Vaneta Starkie: Yes, plus more and more folks are going vegan because they see videos of cute smart animals on videos like new born piglet and Joey’s bath.

Wylene Starkie: Or genius goat blows kisses at grandma.

Vaneta Starkie: But at smoker farms we solved that problem by serving meat from animals that are individually verified to be stupid, bad, rude and talent-free.

Wylene Starkie: Yeah! Now, you want to see the meat gifts, Colin?

[Cut to Colin Jost, Vaneta and Wylene Starkie]

Colin Jost: The meat gifts? No, I’m okay. No! Oh, you brought them.

Wylene Starkie: Oh, yeah. Look at this beautiful bounty.

[Cut to a basket of meat Vaneta and Wylene Starkie have.]

[Cut to Vaneta and Wylene Starkie]

Vaneta Starkie: This cow chased an old lady into a pond. And she later passed away. Not from that, but it didn’t help. And now, he’s burger.

Wylene Starkie: Now, did you ever hear the duck who befriended a blind boy. Well this is his brother. A duck that ran around with his thing hanging out. You ever see a duck thing, Colin?

[Cut to Colin Jost, Vaneta and Wylene Starkie]

Colin Jost: Duck thing, no I haven’t.

Vaneta Starkie: Oh, it looks like a drain snake. [Cut to Vaneta and Wylene Starkie] Go ahead and eat his wings and celebrate his demise.

Wylene Starkie: Now, you know, people say that pigs are highly intelligent animals. Capable of puzzles and simple math. Well, we found this one eating turds. Just slopping ‘em up like spaghetti, looking us right in the eye, like, “You like what you see?”

Vaneta Starkie: But hey, if you still feel too sad to eat something with a fuzzy face, take a half step and go pescatarian with our coast taster basket.

[Cut to Colin Jost, Vaneta and Wylene Starkie]

[They bring a basket of fish in]

Wylene Starkie: Oh, yum. Oh, yum, look at these dead little swimmers. Oh, Colin, look at that. Look at the sheen on there.

Colin Jost: Yeah! I see the sheen, yeah.

[Cut to Vaneta and Wylene Starkie]

Wylene Starkie: Well, good, that’s how you know it’s wet.

Vaneta Starkie: And you know our fish got good flavor because it glistens and it stinks.

Wylene Starkie: Hey, listen. Fish are barely animals, okay? They’re stupid and I’ll tell you, they can’t even hug. Like this Alaskan King crab here, who refused to wear a condom because he says it messes with his flow. Now, go ahead and funk his ass in butter and suck the meat out.

Vaneta Starkie: This tender flounder is as flat as he thought the earth was.

Wylene Starkie: Now, this eel, he doesn’t go down. But it expects you to. Now, how does that work? Okay. Now you can eat his whole dang beautiful smelly body with a squeeze of lemon.

Vaneta Starkie: This oyster’s whole body is snot. And if you eat it, he makes you feel frisky.

[Cut to Colin Jost, Vaneta and Wylene Starkie]

Wylene Starkie: Now, are you feeling frisky, Colin?

Vaneta Starkie: Are we kind of getting you hot over here, Colin?

Colin Jost: No, I actually feel pretty sick.

Wylene Starkie: Yeah, well that’s part of it, sweetheart.

Colin Jost: I’m sorry, but none of these stories sound like they’re real.

Wylene Starkie: Oh, well, you a big fish boy, Colin?

Colin Jost: No, no!

Vaneta Starkie: You a cod licker?

Wylene Starkie: You cuckoo for cod, baby?

Vaneta Starkie: How about Michael Che?

[Cut to Michael Che]

Michael Che: It’s so bad even for me.

Colin Jost: Vaneta and Wylene, everyone.

[Cut to everybody]

For “Weekend Update”, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Weekend Update Foie Gras Ban and 67-Year-Old Woman Gives Birth

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of New York city at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A law has been proposed in New York city banning the sale of the delicacy of Foie Gras which is traditionally made by force feeding ducks. So, in New York, it’s made whenever a pigeon falls into boiling hot dog water. [Picture changes to a hotdog stand]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a shark at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A 2,000 pound shark has recently been spotted swimming along the east coast. Not to be confused with the 2,000 pound shark recently spotted at a comedy show. [Picture changes to Harvey Weinstein.] A handsome fellow there.

[Picture changes to apple logo and emojis]

Apple has introduced nearly 60 new emoji characters including a skunk, an oyster, and a drop of blood, which coincidentally is the exact recipe for mountain dew.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of stair case from the movie Joker.]

Colin Jost: A staircase in Bronx that was featured in the movie Joker is becoming a major tourist attraction. Specially among couples where the girlfriend has no say. [Michael Che laughing]

[Picture changes to a university logo]

The university of Arizona announced that it will stop referring to itself as UA, and now be known as U. Arizona. Is it just me or does that U. Arizona sound like the punch line to a joke about Arizona stereotypes? Like, if you’ve even gotten a D.U.I. in a golf cart, you Arizona.

[Cut to Michael che. There’s a picture of a baby at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A 67-year-old woman in China gave birth this week. The birth set a record for most friction. See. No, no, see, cause you guys don’t realize it, but that joke took me like four hours to write. I had much better punch lines, but the fellows at NBC standards said they were all too dirty. Like, first I was going to say, “I hope that kid likes his milk chalky.” But they, they say you can’t say that on TV. It was my second favorite punch line. My first favorite being, “She can breast-feed just by standing over the crib.” That’s a good one, right? No, NBC said too gross. Which is ridiculous. Too gross would be like if I said, “Doctors described the birth as quote, ‘Like pulling a penny out of a wad of gum.’” That’s too gross. Even I wouldn’t tell that joke on TV.

Weekend Update Trump Fires Back at Critics

[Starts with “Weekend Update” intro]

Announcer: It’s “Weekend Update” with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening, everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to “Weekend Update”. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: And I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Well, it’s been another less-than-ideal week for president Trump. A top diplomat confirmed the quid pro quo with Ukraine. Public support for impeachment rose to over half the country. And they even took Trump’s name off his own skating rinks in New York. You know you’re losing support among white voters when you can’t even appeal to ice skaters. But earlier today, Trump fired back at all of his critics with this tweet. [Picture changes to Donald Trump’s tweet] Four dots. That was the whole tweet. And while you might think it’s a mistake, it’s still up on his account and it’s got 41,000 likes. Four dots is maybe the most omnious think you could possibly tweet when you’re president, except what he tweeted just an hour ago, which was, [Picture changes to Donald Trump’s another tweet] “Something very big has just happened,” with no further explanation. Which with Trump could mean, we either just invaded Mexico or [Picture changes to McRib box] the McRib is back. But still, [Picture changes to a house republicans] Trump has his supporters, a group of house republicans led by live-action Quagmire, Matt Gaetz stormed into a hearing room during testimony during the impeachment inquiry, and these republicans were not happy with how Trump was being treated.

[Cut to a video clip of Matt Gaetz’s speech]

Matt Gaetz: If a government can do this to the president of the United States, they can do it to you as well. You need to be scared. You need to be very scared.

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Yet, somehow, not scared. I just don’t think that the average American is scared that they’re going to lost their job for withholding military aid for Ukraine. This protest was so lame that halfway through, the republicans [Picture changes to the republicans enjoying pizza. there’s a pile of pizza boxes.] ordered a pizza. And a reporter took this photo and my favorite part is this staff member’s [picture is zoomed to a woman looking at the camera] reaction once they saw the pizzas. It’s the kind of expression that says, [Trump’s tweet pops on her head] “Oh, something every big just happened.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Rudy Giuliani at right top corner.]

Michael Che: NBC news reporter accidentally got a butt dialed voice mail from Rudy Giuliani, in which he talked about overseas deals, Joe Biden and then asked for a few hundred thousand dollars. Man, what the hell happened to Rudy Giuliani? I’m a New Yorker. I remember Giuliani coming out of TV during 9/11 so calm and measured and he told us not to worry. And now I watch him on TV and I’m like, wait, did this guy even understand what was going on then? Or was he like Forest Gump in Vietnam? Somehow Giuliani went from the mayor of 9/11 to 9/11 of mayors.

[Cut to Coling Jost. There’s a picture of Mitch McConnell at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Senator and ghost pointing the murder happened, Mitch McConnell, denied a claim that he referred to the Ukraine Call as “Perfect”, because the only time Mitch McConnell has every said something was perfect is when he saw a child drop her ice cream cone and lose her balloon at the same time.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Alexandria Ocasi-Cortez and Bernie Sanders holding and raising their hands at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Representative Alexandria Ocasi-Cortez has endorsed Bernie Sanders for president. Damn, another young woman turning to an older man promising to pay for college. You hate to see it, Colin, you really do. That’s O for two?

[Cut to Coling Jost. There’s a picture of Bernie Sanders an a marijuana leaf at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Bernie Sanders announced his plan to legalize marijuana on Thursday at 4:20 because he likes his voters like he likes his taxes, high as hell.

[Picture changes to Hillary Clinton and Tuldi Gabbard]

Hillary Clinton indicated on a recent podcast that she believes that presidential candidate Tuldi Gabbard is being groomed by Russian intelligence. While Bernie Sanders is being groomed by a leaf blower. [Picture changes to Bernie Sanders with his messed up hair.]

Weekend Update First All-Female Space Walk Makes History

[Starts with Michael che in his news set. There’s a picture of Kanye West at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Rapper Kanye West released his new gospel album, “Jesus is King” yesterday, and it’s also been reported that Kanye will be altering his old hits with more G-rated lyrics. So, yay. At first, I thought Kanye was losing his mind and now I think he’s fine, he’s just turning into an old white lady. He used to be one of the coolest black dudes on earth, now he’s showing up to events in sweat pants and orthopedic sneakers looking like Kenny G. and trying to get black people to like Trump. How long before this guy changes his name to Cathy? You may think I’m crazy, but about five years ago, there was a fellow named Bruce Jenner–

[Cut to Colin Jost laughing. There’s a picture of two female astronauts at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Pretty much ended. Yeah, that’s great. Two women on the international space station made history with the first all-female spacewalk which was marked by live television coverage and a male astronaut inside the space station yelling, “Kiss!”

[Picture changes to Brett Kavanaugh]

A new poll shows that the best-known supreme court justice is now Brett Kavanaugh. Sort of in the same way that the best-known sandwich mascot is [Picture changes to Jared Fogle with Subway watermark on it.] Jared Fogle.

[Cut to Michael Che. there’s a picture of Boston city at right top corner.]

Michael Che: All right. Name another one. Lawmakers in Boston are considering a new law that would make it illegal to call someone a bitch. Unless, of course, that person is wearing a Yankee’s hat. [Picture changes to a solar-powered boat] To celebrate the 400th anniversary of “The May Flower”, a solar-powered boat will cross the atlantic. Personally, I’m not celebrating any ship that crossed the Atlantic 400 years ago. Fool me twice, shame on me.

[Cut to Colin Jost laughing. There’s a picture a rat at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: An art student in Norway has trained her pet rat to make tiny paintings with his feet. Critics call the paintings bad even by rat standards.

[Picture changes to a Target logo and an Olaf snowman]

Police in Florida arrested a man in a local target for masturbating with an Olaf doll. Worse, he let it go. Now, I think it’s weird to use an Olaf doll because most people just their hands. [Picture changes to cartoon character Hans.]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che]

For “Weekend Update”, I’m Colin Jost. \

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che! Good night.