Tag: Colin Jost

Weekend Update: Trump Running While Impeached

[Starts with “Weekend Update” intro]

Announcer: It’s “Weekend Update” with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening, everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to “Weekend Update.” I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump on left top corner.]

After yesterday’s vote approving articles of impeachment, president Trump could become the first president to face impeachment while also running for re-election. Because only democrats could figure out a way to lost twice in the same year.

[Picture changes to Jerrold Nadler]

The judiciary committee chairman Jerrold Nadler, who was accidentally CGI’d to look both like Joe Pesci and Robert DeNiro, appealed to republican’s on the committee saying, “When Trumps time is passed, how will you be remembered?” Remembered? I barely know who you are now, and I think you’re my congressman. I hate you break it to you but the only way Americans ever remember a congressman is if he sends someone a picture of his penis. And we only remember that, because his name was [Picture changes to Anthony Weiner] Weiner.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump in right top corner.]

Michael Che: President Trump set personal record on Thursday when he reacted to impeachment news by posting more than 100 tweets, causing White House officials to ask, “Is everything okay in there, sir?” I don’t get why Trump is so worked up. I mean, it’s still going to take two-thirds of the senate to vote him out of office. And that’s not going to happen, because, well, take a look at the senate. I’d be like if Obama got voted out of office by the Wu-Tang clan.

But look on the bright side, democrats. Now you know, you can cheat. Why are you nerds still playing by the rules? Literally nothing matters anymore. Kamala dropped out, because she ran out of money. Rob a bank! Do you want this or not?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Joe Manchin on left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Democratic senator Joe Manchin, who wants to you ‘Keep the change, you filthy animal’, said that he’s very much torn about the whether or not he would vote to remove Trump from office. Yeah, based on this photo I really don’t think he’s that torn. If you asked me to draw a Trump supporter from memory, this is what I would draw.

[Picture change sto Donald Trump]

Trump also announced his plan to sign executive order that would reclassify Judaism as both nationality and a race. So, now, if someone accuses Trump of being racist, he can say, “Um, my daughter is in an interracial marriage.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and George Washington in right top corner.]

Michael Che: According to new poll, 37% of republicans say that Donald Trump is a better president that George Washington. Now, okay. That sounds ridiculous. But then, I remembered George Washington owned slaves, so I guess I would say Trump is better than that? it’s just not a really fair comparison. Like, Colin, Colin. [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che] Okay. Who do you think is a better comedian? You or Bill Cosby?

Colin Jost: Okay. I see to your point. Thanks.

Michael Che: No, no, wait! Don, give me a split screen, please.

Colin Jost: You don’t have to do that.

[Cut to split screen with Colin Jost at the left and Bill Cosby at the right.]

Michael Che: Okay, audience. Who makes you happier? Bill Cosby or Colin Limbaugh Jost. It’s hard to say, right?

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che.]

Colin Jost: Merry Christmas, Michael.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Greta Thunberg at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: After the cli–

Michael Che: The answer is Bill Cosby, by the way.

[Colin Jost laughts]

Colin Jost: After the climate change activist Greta Thunberg was named time’s person of the year, the Trump campaign posted a picture of Trump’s head pasted on Thunberg’s body. In case anyone wondered that would he look like if Donald Trump got that Al Roker surgery.

Weekend Update: Spelling Bee Shake-up

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There is a picture of National Spelling Bee logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A Script’s National Spelling Bee has announced the change to next year’s contest after this year’s Spelling Bee ended in 8 way tie. The new change? Knives!

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of Harvey Weinstein at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Harvey Weinstein has reached a $25 million settlement with the women accusing him of sexual misconduct. But in order to get the money. The women have to grab it out of his bathrobe pocket.

[Picture changes to Vanna White]

For the first time in the history of “Wheel of fortune,”  the game show was hosted by Vanna White. There were no survivors.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture IHOP building at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: IHOP was opened a new casual version of the restaurant called flip’d. Who hasn’t walked into a regular IHOP and thought, “Well, this is way too formal.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of Hallmark logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che:  The group 1 million moms boycotting the Hallmark Channel for airing a commercial featuring a same-sex couple getting married and kissing. Ladies, relax. If your kid is watching the Hallmark Channel, he already gay as hell.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a news article.]

Colin Jost: Thousands of what are being called “Penis fish” are washing up on shore of a California beach. Not only that, one kid said he found one in his mother’s night stand.

Weekend Update: Baby Yoda

Michael Che

Baby Yoda… Kyle Mooney

Colin Jost

[Starts with Michael Che on his news set]

Michael Che: This week has announced a new line of Baby Yoda toys based on the character from the hit Disney Plus show, “The Mandalorian.” Here to comment is oh, my goodness, Baby Yoda.

[Baby Yoda slides in]

Oh. Ooh. Aren’t you just adorable in your little space carriage? [Baby Yoda laughing] So, Baby Yoda, you’re quite the breakout star, aren’t you?

Baby Yoda: Oh. Oh. [starts humming and dancing] Oh. Oh, oh, oh, oh.

[Cut to Michael Che and Baby Yoda]

Michael Che: Oh, my goodness. Is he dancing?

[Baby Yoda is still dancing]

Baby Yoda: Ooh. Oh, oh. \

Michael Che: This is so cute, man!

Baby Yoda: [in adult voice] Yeah, you like that, Che?

Michael Che: I’m sorry, what did you say, Baby Yoda?

[cut to Baby Yoda]

Baby Yoda: I said you like that? ‘Cause I am killing it. Woowee. I’m cute. Oh!

[Cut to Michael Che and Baby Yoda]

Michael Che: You can talk? You don’t sound a lot like a Yoda.

[Cut to Baby Yoda]

Baby Yoda: [in deep voice] Oh, sound like this I should?

[in normal voice] Ay, come on, man. That’s played out. Baby Yoda’s what’s popping right now. Hell yeah.

[Cut to Michael Che and Baby Yoda]

Michael Che: Wow! I guess you’re a little more self-aware than you let on.

Baby Yoda: Oh, come on man. It ain’t even like that.

[Cut to Michael Che]

Baby Yoda: But I’ve been blessed. I been blessed. People are liking the show. All the memes and the fans. Some sliding in the DMs a little bit. Yo, and I’m not saying nothing. But it’s been very—um—beneficial. And let’s just leave to that. [laughs like a baby]

[Cut to Michael Che and Baby Yoda]

Michael Che: Oh. Okay.

Baby Yoda: Nah, but for real, me and the boys are having fun. [Cut to Baby Yoda] The squad is in the house. [Cut to a photoshopped picture] That’s me, Timothee Chalamet, Robert Pattinson, and the two guys from the “Sonic” commercials.

[Cut to Michael Che and Baby Yoda]

Michael Che: That’s very cool.

Baby Yoda: Thanks, man. And you know, big thing coming for your boy.

Michael Che: Oh, really? Like, other projects?

[Cut to Michael Che]

Baby Yoda: Yeah, yeah, man. I got a clothing line coming out. It’s these dope three-fingered gloved called “Handalorians.” Plus I got the rap mixtape, the Reebok deal, the stand-up special with NETFLIX.

[Cut to Michael Che and Baby Yoda]

Michael Che: You do stand-up?

[Cut to Baby Yoda]

Baby Yoda: I mean yeah! I basically just tell stories about who hooked up on Mandalorian set. Me! But yeah, it’s been a while. That’s the spirit. You know, I do have my haters though.

[Cut to Michael Che and Baby Yoda]

Michael Che: Really? You have any enemies?

Baby Yoda: Nah, man. It ain’t like that, but if I may. [Cut to Baby Yoda] Baby Groot. Do me a favor. Keep my name out of your little tree mouth before I snap you like a twig.

[Cut to Michael Che and Baby Yoda]

Michael Che: Baby Yoda, everybody! For “Weekend Update”, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

Scarlett Johansson Holiday Monologue

Scarlett Johansson

Tweezel… Aidy Bryant

Nick Fury… Kenan Thompson

Cecily Strong

Heidi Gardner

Kyle Mooney

Pete Davidson

Beck Bennett

Bowen Yang

Colin Jost

Michael Che

Chris Redd

Ego Nwodim

Alex Moffat

Mikey Day

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Scarlett Johansson.

[band is playing music]

[Scarlett Johansson walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Scarlett Johannson: Thank you. Thank you very much. It is so great to be back hosting SNL for the sixth time. You know, the sixth time is even more exciting than the fifth because you’re not worried anymore. I mean, if the show is bad, what are they going to do? Fire my fiance? Oh, no, what will we do without his pay check? I’m also so happy to be here because it’s Christmas time. And I don’t know about you but I still believe in the magic of Christmas.

Tweezel: Well, that’s good to hear, Scarlett.

Scarlett Johannson: Oh, my god, it’s Tweezel! My old elf on the shelf.

Speaker 2: That’s right. It’s me and I hear you’ve been a very good girl this year.

Scarlett Johannson: Well, I certainly tried my best. That’s for sure.

Speaker 2: I’m sure Santa would want to—

[Tweezel slowly turns to dust]

Well—what is this?

Scarlett Johannson: Aidy! Your arm!

Speaker 2: Hey, hey—what the hell is happening?

Scarlett Johannson: Oh, no, Thanos. From “The Avengers” movie I was in. Not the last one. The one before that.

[Cut to Alex Moffat, Ego Nwodim and Chris Redd backstage]

Alex Moffat: No, no! [Alex turns to dust]

Chris Redd: Oh, my god. Mikey.

Ego Nwodim: I thought that was Alex.

ChrisReddRedd: It’s the same damn thing.

[Cut to 1]

Scarlett Johannson: My god! Am I gonna have to save everyone? I left my Black Widow costume in my car.

[Beck Bennet walks in]

Beck Bennett: Scarlett, what is this happening?

Scarlett Johannson: I think Thanos may have somehow returned and found the infinity stone.

Beck Bennet: No, I meant this monologue. This doesn’t seem super top call right? This is like the back-up monologue from the last time you hosted or something?

Scarlett Johannson: Okay, hey, Beck, I love you and it’s Christmas, but you just got to get out of here.

[Beck Bennett slowly turns to dust]

Beck Bennett: No. You need me. Who is going to play the dumb idiot?

[Cut to Cecily Strong and Heidi Gardner back stage]

Heidi Gardner: Cecily, thank god you’re okay. I think Thanos took Pete.

Cecily Strong: No, it’s just one of those weeks when Pete doesn’t show up.

Heidi Gardner: Oh, my god! Look at Bowen.

[Cut to Bowen Yang turning to dust]

Bowen Yang: Wow, first Asian cast member. Now you’re dusting me? Twitter’s gonna eat you alive.

[Cut to Scarlett Johansson]

Scarlett Johannson: Bowen too? I have to stop this.

[Michael Che walks in]

Michael Che: Scarlett.

Scarlett Johannson: Ah! Michael! Oh, thank god you’re safe. But if you’re here, that must mean that Colin is—

[Colin Jost walks in]

Colin Jost: Hey. Don’t worry. I’m safe.

Scarlett Johannson: Hi, hey. What’s up?

Colin Jost: Well, I thought you’d be more, like, relieved to see me.

Scarlett Johannson: No, I am. No, it’s great.

Colin Jost: It just doesn’t feel great.

Michael Che: Well, I’m just going to head out.

[Michael Che leaves]

Scarlett Johannson: I’m sorry. It’s just, like, I’m focused on Thanos right now.

Colin Jost: Yes! Totally. I got to update stuffs anyway. It’s like saving the world too. Just on a smaller level.

[Nick Fury walks in]

Nick Fury: Natasha! If you gonna stop Thanos, you gonna need my help.

Scarlett Johannson: Sam Jackson, I mean, wait, what’s your name in the movie again?

Colin Jost: Nick Fury from S.H.I.E.L.D. Did you now watch the movies? [Scarlett Johansson is staring at Colin Jost] I’m just going to get out of here.

Scarlett Johannson: Why is Thanos doing this?

Nick Fury: It’s not Thanos this time. Somebody else has got Thanos’s glove.

[Cut to Pete Davidson playing with Thanos’s gauntlet on.

Pete Davidson: Yo, man! This is insane. I have to stop getting high and buying things on ebay. Half the people disappears. Sick, right?

[Cut to Kyle Mooney and Pete Davidson]

Kyle Mooney: So sick! And hey, thanks for getting rid of Beck for me.

Pete Davidson: Oh, no problem dude.

[Scarlett Johansson and Nick Fury walk in]

Scarlett Johannson: Pete, you have to stop this at once. Where did they all disappear to?

Pete Davidson: Peacock. It’s NBC’s new streaming service.[Cut to Peacock video bumper.] Peacock. Comedy starts here.

[Cut to Nick Fury, Scarlett Johansson and Pete Davidson]

Scarlett Johannson: Can you please bring him back? Please Pete? Just for Christmas?

Nick Fury: Please, please.

Pete Davidson: Okay, fine. I’ll bring them back.

Scarlett Johannson: No, Pete, you gotta snap it.

Pete Davidson: Oh. Okay. I didn’t see the movie.

Scarlett Johannson: Okay. Merry Christmas, Pete!

Pete Davidson: Oh, thank you. You too.

Nick Fury: So, Pete, taking a few shows off, are you?

Pete Davidson: Yeah. You know, when you’ve been here as long as I have, you can do that.

Nick Fury: Really? Well, that’s good to know.

[Cut to Scarlett Johansson and all the SNL cast members on the stage]
Scarlett Johannson: Well, it’s great to have you all back. I just want to say, this place means so much to me. I have so many friends here, and I met the love of my life here. Merry Christmas. We get a great show. Niall Horan is here. So, stick around. We’ll be right back.

Weekend Update: #1 Spotify Artist and Peloton Backlash

Michael Che

Colin Jost

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There is a picture of Post Malone and a logo of Spotify at right top corner.]

Michael Che: It was announced that the most streamed artist of 2019 was Post Malone. He is replacing last year’s winner, Pre Malone.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a woman and Peloton logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Peloton is being called sexist for a new ad showing a wife obsessively using a Peloton bike that her husband gave her. But at least they decided against using the slogan, “Peloton, you’d better keep it tighter than the baby sitter.”

[Michael Che laughing]

[the picture changes to a mannequin and a British flag]

The parents of a toddler in great Britain say he’s obsessed with a hair styling mannequin head and he’s carrying it everywhere. It’s an adorable habit that his parents will look back on wistfully when they watch him be sentenced for multiple murders.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a dog and a microwave at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A dog in England started a house fire after he jumped on the counter and accidentally turned on the microwave. If it was such an accident, how come the microwave had a cat in it? A cute one.

[The picture changes to XFL logo]

The XFL has unveiled the new uniform for the upcoming season. At the same time, they’ll be shipping them directly to Haiti.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a news article at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A german woman is under investigation after she was told to leave a tram for not having a ticket and she sprayed the worker with her breast milk. The worst part was the worker just stood there. Mouth wide open.

[Picture changes the another news article]

Police in North Carolina arrested man after he was discovered in Cole’s parking lot smoking marijuana naked in his car. And I’m willing to bet that car was a Lincoln. [Picture changes to Matthew McConaughey in driving seat]

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of John Schnatter at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The wife of John Schnatter, the founder of Papa John’s has filed for divorce because marriage is a lot like Papa John’s pizza. It only seems like a good idea when you’re drunk and alone.

Weekend Update: Jules on the Holiday Season

Colin Jost

Jules… Beck Bennett

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set.]

Colin Jost: Well, the holiday season has officially begun. Here in his own unique take on the holidays is Jules who sees things little differently.

[Jules slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Jules: Good evening, Colin. Or should I say good-morrow?

Colin Jost: I think good evening is fine. Jules, are you enjoying the holiday season?

Jules: You could say that. But you see, [Cut to Jules] I celebrate the holidays a little differently. While other people leave out milk and cookies for Santa, I leave out CBD and a note that says “You are enough.”

[Cut to Jules and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Great. So do you like go home for the holidays?

[Cut to Jules]

Jules: Well, I live in my dad’s pool house. But no. I’m not allowed in the main house anymore because of a cocaine misunderstanding. But Colin, you’re missing the real point of the holidays. Everyone talks about is Black Friday. But that must stop. The movie is just called Friday. We don’t call it Black Shrek.

[Cut to Jules and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Wait! You think that Shrek is black? \

Jules: His body, his choice, Collin. But you’re missing the point. [Cut to Jules] The holiday shouldn’t be about consumerism. It should be about can-userism. I can use everything around me and turn it into art, the last autumn’s leaf dandling on a tree branch. And old native-American woman on the subway who I take by the hand and say, “Stand up, dance for us like you once did on this land before my disgusting ancestors stole it from you.” She responded, “I’m Filipino”, and I said, “No, you’re free.”

[Cut to Jules and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: This is holiday related?

Jules: My perfect holiday meal you asked?

Colin Jost: I didn’t.

[Cut to Jules]

Jules: A table with one person of every ethnicity, white, gay, wheelchair. All seating together, eating nothing but conversation, ideas, delicious. Could you pass the philosophy? And I love seconds on social awareness. Yum, yum, yum, I’m so full… of hope.

[Cut to Jules and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: So that’s like your plan for Christmas?

Jules: Ah! Why are we even giving these holidays names Colin? [Cut to Jules] Instead of calling it ‘Halloween,’ why don’t we call it ‘A great day for women.’ And instead of ‘Easter,’ why not call it ‘Sister,’ and celebrate our Latina sisters?

[Cut to Jules and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: No, no. You got to get out of here.

Jules: Oh! I’m sorry, do you have a problem celebrating the Sister?

Colin Jost: God damn! Jules, I actually saw a bunch of cocaine in one of the dressing rooms backstage.

[Cut to Jules]

Jules: Oh, dream powder. I have work to do.

[Cut to Jules and Colin Jost]

Speaker 3: Jules everyone.

Jules: Santa, free your elf slaves.

Weekend Update Moving Forward with Impeachment

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with ‘Weekend Update’ intro]

Announcer: It’s “Weekend Update” with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their set]

Colin Jost: Thank you, thank you.

[cheers and applause]

Michael Che: Welcome to “Weekend Update.” I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

This week, democrats announced that they would move towards impeachment before Christmas. So, Trump was right. A lot of Americans will be saying Merry Christmas again. [The picture changes to Nancy Pelosi] After announcing articles impeachment, Nancy Pelosi criticized a reporter who asked her if she hates president Trump saying, “As a Catholic I don’t hate anyone.” As a Catholic, I know there’s always one person you hate. Yourself. Also, a Catholic approach wouldn’t be to impeach Trump. It would be to quietly transfer him to a different presidency.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump, wine and a map of France at right top corner.]

Michael Che: President Trump warned France that if it impose it’s attacks on US tech companies, the US will retaliate with a tax on French wine. And I got to admit, it is pretty funny that all the Trump’s tariffs are based on lazy stereotypes. In it was Japan you would attack ninja stars. If it was Italy, spaghetti. God forbid it was a black country. He would probably tax those Popeye chicken sandwiches.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of Donald Trump and Just Trudeau left top corner.]

Colin Jost: President Trump called Justin Trudeau two-faced after the Canadian Prime Minister was caught making fun of Trump. And it is true, I’ve definitely seen Trudeau with at least one other face.

[Picture changes to an old picture of Justin Trudeau having black face]

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]
Michael Che: Oh, you going out swinging! President Trump said he wants to get rid of water saving regulations for toilets.

[Cut to Donald Trump speaking in a conference.]

Donald Trump: People are flushing ten times, 15 times, as opposed to once.

[Cut to Michael Che.]

Michael Che: What people are flushing toilets 15 times? Besides you. You don’t even drink. You can’t blame whiskey. I don’t want to be gross, but if you’re up to double digit flushes, you might as well just grab it out the bowl and toss it out the window.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of Devin Nunes, Rudy Giuliani and Lev Parnas at right top corner.]

Colin Jost: According to at representative Devin Nunes, he spoke with Giuliani associate Lev Parnas on the phone for 8 minutes, which if true that would be the longest call ever completed on AT&T. That means that Giuliani, Devin Nunes and Lev Parnas were in constant contact during the whole Ukraine scheme. I’m just impressed these geniuses were able to up with a plan at all. Usually when people with their mental capacity team up, all they do is talk about different kinds of shrimp. [Picture changes to Tom Hanks nd Michael Jace]

[Michael Che laughing]

[Picture changes to Rudy Giuliani]

And now, Rudy Giuliani has traveled to Ukraine to work on a documentary they think will undermine the democrats’ case for impeachment. Does he know how long it takes to make a documentary? Is there a voting on impeachment in like a week. I think when he says a documentary, he might just mean a tiktok.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of White House at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The white house issued new guidelines that requires people receiving food stamps to work at least 20 hours a week. Good, I guess people on food stamps have had it too good for too long. Why does everybody always think the poorest people are trying to take advantage of them? One time I saw a guy begging on a train, and I was about to give him money. And this lady immediately goes like, “Oh, he’s just faking it.” I don’t know. That smells like pretty real piss.

Weekend Update Nancy Pelosi Prays for Donald TrumpPrays for Donald Trump

Colin Jost

Nancy Pelosi… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set.]

Colin Jost: This week, Nancy Pelosi was asked by a reporter if she hates president Trump. Here to comment, Nancy Pelosi.

[Nancy Pelosi slides in]

Nancy Pelosi: Hello.

Colin Jost: Hi, Nancy. That journalist seem to really get under you skin with that question.

[Cut to Nancy Peolsi]

Nancy Pelosi: You know, you never know who is self-identifying as a journalist these days. That word doesn’t mean what it used to. Thank you for the lively debate. Breitbart, Ryan Seacrest.

[Cut to Nancy Peolsi and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Yeah, that reporter. Another reporter also asked if you felt bad for putting the country through whole impeachment process.

Nancy Pelosi: Everybody needs to understand, [Cut to Nancy Peolsi] I am not impeaching Trump because I hate him. I’m impeaching him because of rules. Look, I didn’t want any of this. Remember, it’s not my fault that we’re in this position. It is Trump’s fault. It is not the life guard’s fault for evacuating the pool. It is the rich kids who took a duke in the deep end.

[Cut to Nancy Peolsi and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: You said that you pray for Trump. Do you actually pray for Trump?

Nancy Pelosi: Yes, I pray for him all the time. I’ll do it right now. [Cut to Nancy Peolsi. She joins her hands and starts praying] Lord, help president Trump. If he has to be president, please make him a little better at any of it. Please take him. Not to heaven or anything. Just somewhere else. Just for a little while. Mama needs a break.

[Cut to Nancy Peolsi and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: And these are prayers?

Nancy Pelosi: Yes. Shh! [Cut to Nancy Peolsi] Dear lord almighty, teach him your values and help him understand the gold rule, what it means, and that it’s not a sex thing. God help him with his cares and concerns, like help him to have them about anyone or anything. Here’s an idea. Maybe place a curse on him like in the movie “Liar, liar,” where he is forced to tell the truth for just one week. Come on, lord, even you know that’d be funny.

[Cut to Nancy Peolsi and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: These prayers are a little passive aggressive.

Nancy Pelosi: No, no. Some of them are aggressive. Some of them are aggressive, aggressive. [Cut to Nancy Peolsi] Lord, please watch over Trump organization being run by Eric. Yikes! Please heal the republicans in the senate who all tragically lost their balls. And finally, please bless Lindsey Graham with a baby that’s black and gay.

[Cut to Nancy Peolsi and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Nancy Pelosi here, everyone.

Nancy Pelosi: I’ll pray for you Colin.

Weekend Update: Harriet Tubman & Buttigieg Dance

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Julia Roberts and Harriet Tubman Biopic’s cover at right top corner.]]

Michael Che: The screenwriter of the new Harriet Tubman Biopic said when he first pitched the movie in the ’90s, a studio executive suggested Julia Roberts play Harried Tubman. I know. Worse, it was going to be called ‘Runaway Bride 2.” I’d watch that.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of dress and accessories at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: I’m worried about this one now. An auction of Nazi memorabilia was held, which featured items such as Hitler’s top hat and Eva Braun’s dress. And it’s tough to auction off Nazi memorabilia, because everyone always looks like they’re bidding. [picture changes to Nazi army raising their hands.] Thank you. Some applause. I liked it.

[picture changes to Pete Buttingieg]

Pete Buttingieg’s campaign has released a viral dance video set to panic at the disco’s ‘High hopes.’

[Cut to a video clip of people dancing on ‘High Hopes’ at Pete Buttingieg’s campaign.]

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: It’s all part of Mayor Pete’s strategy to get a negative percentage of the black vote.

[Cut to Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of a note written “Meth. We’re on it.” at right top corner.]

Michael Che: South Dakota’s governor is defending a new anti-meth campaign which features a tagline— “Meth. We’re on it.” Which isn’t as bad as North Dakota’s ad campaign— “Cocaine. We cracked it!”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of M&M’s at left top corner.]

Colin Jost:  The maker of M&Ms announced a new vegan chocolate candy made with a plant based alternative. So, I guess the real news here is that apparently regular M&Ms are made of meat.

[Cut to M&Ms commercial]

Announcer: M&Ms; we have the meats.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a black blank picture at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: So dumb. Scientists are working to develop advanced ultra black materials, so dark they absorb 99% of all light. Oh, sure, but when I try to develop ultra black material, [Cut to Colin Jost’s picture of his stand-up show] I’m booed at the Apollo.

[Cut to Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Vagina Museum at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A new museum is opened in London called the Vagina Museum which focuses on de-stigmatizing female anatomy and if you’re planning a trip, remember, it’s closed one week a month.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che.]

Colin Jost: [laughing] Weekend Update. I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Good night.

Weekend Update: Guy Who Just Bought a Boat on Thanksgiving Dating Tips

Colin Jost

Guy who just bought a boat… Alex Moffat

Guy who knows the owner… Ryan Reynolds

[Starts with Colin Jost in his ‘Weekend Update’ set]

Colin Jost: Guys, I don’t know if you heard, but thanksgiving in next week. Here with his thanksgiving dating tips is a guys who just bought a boat.

[Guy who just bought a boat slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Guy who just bought a boat: [singing] Over the river and through my wood

throbble, throbble, and happy spanks-sniffing.

Colin Jost: Oh, god. spanks sniffing? I have not– I’m not complaining but I haven’t seen you out here in a while.

Guy who just bought a boat: True. [Cut to Guy who just bought a boat] I was out of the game for skosh. I was fighting overseas.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Guy who just bought a boat]

Colin Jost: Oh! You were in the military?

Guy who just bought a boat: No. I was fighting over Cs. [Cut to Guy who just bought a boat] She wanted Bs, but I said, “Hey, I’m paying for ‘em. Get the cupgrade.”

[Cut to Colin Jost and Guy who just bought a boat]

No. Now, let’s talk turkey. Shall we? [Cut to Guy who just bought a boat] Here’s some dating tips for the holiday Sleaze. Okay? If you want your feast to be gas-tag blessed, you better be like my high school—prepped.

Colin Jost: Yeah. [Cut to Colin Jost and Guy who just bought a boat] Just before you go on, can I remind you that thanksgiving is a family holiday, okay?

Guy who just bought a boat:  Sure, I’ll do my breast. [Cut to Guy who just bought a boat] Now, if you’re at friendsgive and in charge of the turk, don’t be a jerk. Here’s how to make it twerk. Slide some land O’lakes under the skin to make the white meat wet. And bust out the real cranberries and she’s guaranteed to ocean spray. I have a small penis.

Colin Jost: What?

Guy who just bought a boat: Now, [Cut to Colin Jost and Guy who just bought a boat] if you want to get pot-lucky, bring a time tested side to the tabe. [Cut to Guy who just bought a boat] The right side dish leads to slide fish. Stick the landing and you’ll be like stove top. Stuffing an open bird. And trust me, by then she’ll be saying those magic words, “Just use your finger, it’s bigger.” Remember, mac and cheese leads to rack and squeeze.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Guy who just bought a boat]

Colin Jost: [laughing] What’s going on?

Guy who just bought a boat: And … [Cut to Guy who just bought a boat] if you put in the eff before you cornocopulate, everything will be on the menu. Her candied gams. Her vulveeta. Even her green bean asserole. My dong is after myballs.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Guy who just bought a boat]

Colin Jost: Good god, dude.

Guy who just bought a boat: Look. [Cut to Guy who just bought a boat] T-gives is a grande day. Too much for one honcho. So, here to ‘splain the rest is my fra-bra’ from siggie-eps, guy who knows the owner.

[Guy who knows the owner slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Guy who just bought a boat: There’s my guy.

Guy who knows the owner: It’s tight to be here, Cojo. I was jut in the Areola.

[Cut to Colin Jost, Guy who knows the owner and Guy who just bought a boat]

Guy who just bought a boat: Whoa.

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. This guy is not on my list.

Guy who knows the owner: Please, I know the owner.

[Cut to Guy who knows the owner and Guy who just bought a boat]

Guy who knows the owner: Rule numbero un, this thanksgiving, if you want to move out of the friend zone and into her end zone, pay her a compliment. Like, “Nice cooking”. Or “I’d have sex with you.” Remember, class leads to ass. This dong is huge and it can’t get hard. After the main intercourse, you’ll want to loosen your belt. Because it’s time for a long winter’s fap. Takes three hours. Nothing comes out. It’s a loaf of wet bread. Or play your cards right and she’ll slip off her loubou-t pumps and play a little under the table footsie that will have her say, “Is that a giant, old, soft, decaying banana in your pants or are you just not interested to see me?”

[Cut to Colin Jost, Guy who knows the owner and Guy who just bought a boat]

Colin Jost: That’s what she’ll say? I gotta say, that’s just a little hard to unpack.

Guy who knows the owner: So is my wang. It’s a skin slinky color.

Colin Jost: You guys, I’m sorry. You guys have to leave. I’m sorry.

Guy who knows the owner: Hey, hold on. What does gravy have in common with this dude? [pointing at Guy who just bought a boat]

Colin Jost: What?

Guy who just bought a boat: We both come in a boat!

Colin Jost: God. That’s two best friends. Everyone.

Guy who just bought a boat: See you at the parade.