Tag: Colin Jost

NFL intros

Jim Nantz… Beck Bennett

Phil Simms… Taran Killam

Derrick Watkins, Terrence White, Devin Peters, Kendrick Douglas… Kenan Thompson

Kyle Jeffries, Bart Doleman… Bobby Moynihan

Terry Pope, Lavar Washington, Jacob Reynolds, Abaskuul Sulemon… Jay Pharoah

Victor Naples, Jeffrey Wilkins, Donald Washburn, Barry Jenkins… Chris Pratt

Calvin Williams, Greg Watkins… Kyle Mooney

Marvin Ingram… Michael Che

Willie Sampson, Wendell Jones… Pete Davidson

Tim Stevens… Colin Jost

Mrs. Kendrick Douglas… Leslie Jones

[Starts with NFL intro]

[Cut to Jim Nantz and Phil Simms. They are the show reporters.]

Jim Nantz: Hello and welcome to the NFL on CBS. I’m Jim Nantz and with me in the booth is Phil Simms.

Phil Simms: Great to be here, Jim.

Jim Nantz: Obviously, NFL is under tremendous scrutiny right now, with the series of embarrassing scandals over the past few weeks.

Phil Simms: But they’re trying their best to move forward and start taking responsibility for their actions.

Jim Nantz: Accountability. That’s what the NFL is all about. And I think you’ll see that reflected in today’s player introductions. First, let’s meet Baltimore Raven’s offense.

[Cut to Derrick Watkins]

Derrick Watkins: Derrick Watkins. Assault!

[Cut to Kyle Jeffries]

Kyle Jeffries: Kyle Jeffries. Man slaughter!

[Cut to Terry Pope.]

Terry Pope: Terry Pope. Abort an assault rifle to a barbecue.

[Cut to Victor Naples]

Victor Naples: Victor Naples. Whole bunch of stuff.

[Cut to Calvin Williams]

Calvin Williams: Calvin Williams. Lootering with an intent to murder.

[Cut to Marvin Ingram]

Marvin Ingram: Marvin Ingram. I was accused of sexual assault at the Ohio State University.

[Cut to Willie Sampson]

Willie Sampson: Willie Sampson. Treason.

[Cut to Jeffrey Wilkins]

Jeffrey Wilkins: Jeffrey Wilkins. Involuntary prostitution.

[Cut to Terrence White]

Terrence White: Terrence White. I od’ed on penis pills.

[Cut to Lavar Washington]

Lavar Washington: Lavar Washington. I punched a mailman. That’s federal, baby.

[Cut to Tim Stevens]

Tim Stevens: And I am the punter. Tax fraud.

[Cut back to Jim Nantz and Phil Simms]

Jim Nantz: Wow, certainly a different line than we used to see.

Phil Simms: Well, there have been a lot of suspensions, so the team looks significantly different than they did last week.

Jim Nantz: The players look less athletic.

Phil Simms: I notice that as well.

Jim Nantz: Now, will the players be discussing the punishments they receive for their offences?

Phil Simms: [speaking secretly] Well, no, there weren’t any. So were not.

Jim Nantz: Now, let’s meet the visiting Carolina Panther’s defense.

[Cut to Jacob Reynolds]

Jacob Reynolds: Jacob Reynolds. Burned down a strip club.

[Cut to Donald Washburn]

Donald Washburn: Donald Washburn. American taliban.

[cut to Wendell Jones]

Wendell Jones: Wendell Jones. I love cocaine.

[Cut to Devin Peters]

Devin Peters: Devin Peters. Stanford.

[Cut to Bart Doleman]

Bart Doleman: Bart Doleman. I haven’t done nothing yet, but I’m gonna.

[cut to Barry Jenkins]

Barry Jenkins: Barry Jenkins. I did some weird stuff on a cruise ship.

[Cut to Greg Watkins]

Greg Watkins: Greg Watkins. I was in that cruise too. It was pretty fun.

[Cut to Abaskuul Sulemon]

Abaskuul Sulemon: Abaskuul Sulemon. Somali pirate.

[Cut to Kendrick Douglas]

Kendrick Douglas: Kendrick Douglas. I hit my wife.

[Cut to Mrs. Kendrick Douglas]

Mrs. Kendrick Douglas: And I’m his wife. I hit his ass back.

[Cut to Melvin McDonald]

Melvin McDonald: Melvin McDonald. I sent a picture of my ding dong to Michelle Obama. Go Panthers.

[Cut back to Jim Nantz and Phil Simms]

Jim Nantz: Well, as you can see it’s a whole new era for the National Football League.

Phil Simms: So, let’s get you straight to the field for kick off. We’ll see you back here for the half time show featuring Chris Brown. And a very special tribute to Pacman Jones.

Jim Nantz: Yes, it’s the NFL on CBS.

[Ends with an outro]

Weekend Update Katt Williams and Suge Knight on Getting Arrested

Colin Jost

Michael Che

Katt Williams… Jay Pharoah

Suge Knight… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Michael Che on his news set]

Michael Che: This Wednesday, comedian Katt Williams and Hip Hop model Suge Knight were arrested for stealing a photographer’s camera. Here to comment, are Katt Williams and Suge Knight.

[Katt Williams and Suge Knight slide in]

[cheers and applause]

Katt Williams: Sir, we swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the–

Michael Che: No, no. You don’t have to do that here. You good.

Katt Williams: Oh, well better safe than sorry.

Michael Che: Alright, so you were both arrested together on this?

Katt Williams: Excuse me. Is that even a question? [Cut to Katt Williams and Suge Knight] I climb up on this scary man’s back and ride him around like Yoda Roda Mr. Luke Skywalker. You feel what I’m saying?

[Cut to Katt Williams, Michael Che and Suge Knight]

Michael Che: I would love to see that. But tell me what happened with the photographer? Is this for real?

Suge Knight: Nah! You know what I’m saying? It was like barely an altercation. I mean, I was only shot five times.

Michael Che: That’s a lot, man.

Suge Knight: Not for me. [Cut to Katt Williams and Suge Knight] My body got so much layer, I’m like a 300 pound number two.

Katt Williams: This man has so many bullets lodged in him that set off metal detectors at Laguardia airport right damn now. That’s what he’s dong.

[Cut to Katt Williams, Michael Che adn Suge Knight]

Michael Che: Okay, let me ask the real question. Are you guilty of this?

Suge Knight: Well, you know. I’ve been wanting to speak on that. Okay. [Cut to Katt Williams and Suge Knight] Because, what I do, you know what I’m saying? Is I be sneaking. Do a little legal begal. Private plane, all in the shower hiding behind the eskimo. So, when you talk about the past, that’s all in the future.

[Cut to Katt Williams, Michael Che and Suge Knight]

Michael Che: What the hell are you talking about?

Katt Williams: Ah, Michael Che, sir, you’ll have to excuse Mr. Knight right now, okay? We have so much marijuana inside us, we can cure glaucoma by blowing in your eyes. Just, [blows], you’re cured.

[Cut to Katt Williams, Michael Che and Suge Knight]

Michael Che: Suge, you got a lot of priors, man. I mean, you can get 30 years for this. Do you have anything to say about it?

[Cut to Katt Williams and Suge Knight]

Suge Knight: Yeah! Stop arresting us.

Katt Williams: Absolutely correct, Michael. Y’all know this ain’t gonna take. Okay, look. I had been arrested so much that a police car is basically my Uber. You feel what I’m saying? But it never sticks. Okay?

[Cut to Katt Williams, Michael Che and Suge Knight]

Michael Che: So, it sounds like you’re admitting to this.

Katt Williams: Ah, look here. [Cut to Katt Williams and Suge Knight] Somebody in the hip hop community has to actually be bad. I mean Tupac is gone. Kanye designs men’s blouses. It’s true. And the biggest feud in hip hop is between Ice Cube and a can of course light. Halama-Shanda-Tanana, thank you Jesus.

[Cut to Katt Williams, Michael Che and Suge Knight]

Michael Che: Alright, there. Katt Williams and Suge Knights ladies and gentlemen. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Katt Williams: I’m Colin Jost.

Weekend Update 2

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of McDonalds logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: McDonald’s is reportedly creating a new slogan for next year. “Loving beats hating”. Which narrowly defeated their other option, “eat what this clown killed.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Apple CEO Tim Cook at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Apple CEO Tim Cook revealed Thursday that he is gay. He had another announcement that got dudes lotting up around the block for Cook. Prints, ladies and gentlemen.

[Picture changes a woman voting]

You know, this Tuesday are the midterm elections and I know a lot of people aren’t going to vote because they don’t follow politics. But that’s no excuse. I don’t know anything about politics. But last year I voted for mayor Bill de Blasio because I like his son’s Afro. And it counted just as much as a smart person’s. So, make sure you get out there and vote next Tuesday, or this Tuesday. Whatever, who cares? It’s the midterms. It’s not even important.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Dunkin’ Donuts’ at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Dunkin’ Donuts’ announced that it will soon release a croissant donut hybrid, but insisted that it will not be called a ‘cronut’. Instead, it will be called a ‘dobage’ which is combination of donut and garbage.

A new study suggest that men who had never had sex are twice s likely to develop prostate cancer as men who have had sex. Well, I’m sold. I’m gonna try sex.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a car with Starbucks logo on it at the right top corner.]

Michael Che: Starbucks has announced plans to test out a delivery service next year. The way it works is you place your order, then a Starbucks employee shows up and destroys your bathroom. It’s the other way around.

[Picture changed to a cup of coffee and few cats]

A new coffee shop has opened in California that allows customers to mingle with shelter cats. And to save everybody sometime, the owner just went ahead and named the coffe shop, “Grade F”.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of map of Utah at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Residents of St. George, Utah were upset about a new city ordinance that prohibits dancing events without a permit. [Picture changes to Kevin Bacon] “I’m on it”, said Kevin Bacon.

Weekend Update 1

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set]

Michael Che: Good evening. Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. And here, tonight’s top stories.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of map of Maine and Kaci Hickoon left top corner.]

A judge in Maine on Friday ruled the nurse Kaci Hickox, who had been ordered to remain quarantined in her home after working with ebola patients in Africa is free to go any place she wants. Places like, “over there” and “further over there”. Hickox was reportedly so happy with the ruling that she started vomitting blood.  Before the restrictions were lifted, Kaci Hickox openly violated quarantined orders Thursday by taking an hour long bike ride with her boyfriend. Said her boyfriend, “Help, she’s gaining on me!”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of map of New York on right top corner.]

Michael Che: New York’s state has relaxed regulations on ebola aid workers returning from Africa, now allowing them to quarantine themselves at their homes. “Wait, what?” said their roommates.

[Picture changes to Pope Francis]

Pope Francis said this week that the theory of evolution and the big bang theory do not contradict the existence of god. Man, I love this Pope. Everything he says sounds like he just got high for the first time. And I like that he doesn’t drive around in that goofy Pope mobile like he’s the dice in that game trouble. He knows god is protecting him. All those other Popes were hiding behind plexiglass like they were selling chicken in the bad neighborhood.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Tim Hudson on left top corner.]

Colin Jost: San Francisco Giant’s pitcher Tim Hudson became the oldest world series game sever starter ever at the age of 39. Hudson was pulled during the second inning at the age of 41.

Weekend Update: Christmas Joke Swap 2019

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his neews set. There’s a picture of a live performance on left top corner]

Colin Jost: The singer, Jason Derulo, who plays Rum Tum Tugger in the movie Cats said the film makers digitally edited out his bulge. Even stranger, they edited it on to Judy Dench.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of The Star Wars logo at right top corner]

Michael Che: The new Star Wars surprised fans by featuring the the gay kiss, which seems pretty tame considering the first movie had incest.

[Cut to Colin Jost There’s a picture of JetBlue airplane on left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A man in California was kicked off a jet blue flight after bringing his pet possum on to the plane. [picture changes to Spirit airlines] While at spirit airlines, that’s what falls down when you need an oxygen mask.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of The Star Merriam-Webster page at right top corner]

Michael Che: Merriam-Webster announced the gender neutral pronounce they is the word of the year. As in ‘they’ don’t want me to make a joke about this.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che]

Colin Jost: Tonight is our Christmas show. We have a tradition where Che and I like to give each other jokes to read.

Michael Che: Yeah. We’re making each other read the jokes live on air that the other person has never seen before.

Colin Jost: And the idea this year is to make it fun and not try on ruin anyone’s career or get them stabbed on the subway or back stage at the Eddie Murphy show.

Michael Che: We’ll see what happens. You go first.

Colin Jost: Oh, thank you.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of Pete Buttigieg at left top corner.]

Recent polls showed that Pete Buttigieg has only 4% support among African-Americans but that will I can change once Pete announces his running mate, the Popeye’s chicken sandwich.

[Cut to Michael Che. There are pictures of Andrew and Jefrey Epstein at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Wow! A new interview with England’s prince Andrew is being called a total disaster after he said his friend Jeffrey Epstein conducted himself in a manner unbecoming. I don’t know. What I’ve read, it sounded like he be coming all the time. Well. That was terrible.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of Babe Ruth swinging the baseball bat at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The bat used by Babe Ruth to hit his 500th home run was auctioned off this week. Also I’ll be auctioning off the bat I used to keep m neighborhood white.

[Cut to Michael Che.]

Michael Che: Researchers are testing a new method to treat cancer by inject the cells with the herpes virus. So good news if you’ve ever had sex with me, you might have been cured for cancer. Oh, man!

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of a butterfly at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Okay. it says time-out. I refuse to read this last joke. Not because it’s racist but because there is a black man holding my cue card. [Michael Che laughing] I confess, I can’t work like this. Merry Christmas home boy. You’re fired.

Michael Che: You fired man on Christmas, Colin!

[Colin Jost laughing]

Weekend Update: Gumby Returns

Colin Jost

Gumby… Eddie Murphy

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Mitch McConnell at left top corner]

Colin Jost: Meanwhile, senator Mitch McConnell fresh off his cameo in the new Star Wars movie, he responded to Pelosi’s delay in sending the articles of impeachment saying, “Hey, fine with me.”

Gumby: Hold, stop the press right now.

Colin Jost: Wait, what?

[Gumby walks in]

[cheers and applause]

Gumby: What the hell is going on here? Give me a chair. I wanna sit down here, you bastard.

Colin Jost: Ladies and gentlemen, its Gumby!

[Cut to Gumby]

Gumby: They know who the hell it is. I am Gumby, dammit!

[Cut to Gumby and Michael Che]

Michael Che: What are you doing here?

Gumby: What am I doing here? The question, Michael Che, is how the hell are you going to put on a show and not have me in the show until now? I should have been in the every damn sketch from the top. [Cut to Gumby] I am the one that made Eddie Murphy a star. He was just a regular corn boy till I saw him.

[Cut to Colin Jost, Gumby, and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Well, we just thought people wouldn’t know who you were.

Gumby: How the hell are people not gonna know who I am? I am Gumby, dammit! [Cut to Gumby] Let me tell you something. I saved this damn show from the gutter. And this is the thanks that I get for saving the show? Shame on you Lorne Michaels. Shame on you NBC. Shame on you.

[Cut to Colin Jost, Gumby and Michael Che]

Colin Jost: Alrignt. Gumby, just calm down.

Gumby: Don’t tell me to calm down, trailer boy. [Michael Che laughing] [Cut to Gumby] I got to listen to this black bastard telling me that people won’t remember who I am? Do you know why you two are behind this desk? Because your jokes don’t have legs, you Schmucks.

[Cut to Colin Jost, Gumby and Michael Che] I pass kidney stones with more personality than the two of you.

Michael Che: That’s a little rude.

Gumby: Face it, kid. Both of you together couldn’t Velcro my sneakers.

Michael Che: Well, you’re not exactly a Christmas character.

[Cut to Gumby]

Gumby: What the hell do you mean I’m not a Christmas character? Look at me! I’m green. I’m green and all the children love me. The kids love me. I’m a Christmas character, you jerk.

[Cut to Colin Jost, Gumby and Michael Che. Gumby had a cigar in his hand.]

Colin Jost: Hey, Gumby. I just want to point out. You’re not allowed–

Gumby: Give me a match, I want to smoke this cigar.

Colin Jost: Yeah, you’re not allowed to smoke in here.

Gumby: Don’t tell me not to smoke, headshot. [Cut to Gumby] I do what I want to do. I am Gumby, dammit. I am Gumby. I want to smoke a Cigar, I smoke a cigar. [Cut top Colin Jost, Gumby and Michael Che] I smoke a cigar!

Michael Che: What about your horse, pokey?

[Cut to Gumby]

Gumby: You have the nerve to sit there and bring up the name pokey? He’s in the glue factory for all I care. I don’t believe this. I make my triumph of return, and you’re talking about a can of dog food? How did you even get this job? What? You win a radio contest or something?

[Cut to Colin Jost, Gumby and Michael Che]

Colin Jost: I guess you’re not enjoying the show then, huh?

Gumby: No, that’s not true. I did enjoy some of the show. I liked that sing– What’s the tush.

Colin Jost: You mean Lizzo.

[Cut to Gumby]

Gumby: Yeah, That Libbo who, huzza, buzza, pubba. I like her. She’s a real beauty. And you know, colored girls don’t usually do that for me.

[Cut to Colin Jost, Gumby and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Gumby. That’s extremely prejudice.

Gumby: Hey! Don’t you try to make me out to be a racist, Che. You black bastard. I am, Gumby.

Michael Che: So you want to stay out here or what?

[Cut to Gumby]

Gumby: No. I have to get going. It’s too late now. You should have used me. You waste me. I’m going. I’m an old man. I got to get to bed because I got to get up early and take my morning dump.

[Cut to Colin Jost, Gumby and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Gumby, everybody!

Gumby: I am Gumby, and in the morning I take a dump.

Michael Che: I know.

Gumby: I am staying here. Don’t pack me you bastard, I’m staying. The people love to see me. All right, all right, I’ll go.

Colin Jost: Gumby, everyone!

Weekend Update: Jeanine Pirro on Fox News Handling Trump’s Impeachment

Colin Jost

Jeanine Pirro… Cecily Strong

Michael  Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Mitch McConnell at left top corner]

Colin Jost: Now that president Trump has been impeached, his supporters on Fox news are pushing hard to dismiss it. Here to comment on that is Fox news personality Jeanine Pirro.

[cheers and applause]

[Jeanine Pirro joins in]

Jeanine Pirro: Thank you Colin. What a wonderful time of year. To my Christian friends, I want to say, Merry Christmas. And to all of you Jewish and Muslim folks out there, I said Merry Christmas.

Colin Jost: Ms. Pirro, you don’t have to yell so loud. I’m right here.

Jeanine Pirro: Sorry Colin, [Cut to Jeanine Pirro] mama only speaks with the same volume as a woman who just lost her child at the mall of America. Casey! Casey!

[Cut to Jeanine Pirro and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Jeanine, I hate to ask you this. but, are you drunk?

Jeanine Pirro: Colin please, I only had one glass of wine with dinner.

Colin Jost: Okay, and what did you have for dinner?

Jeanine Pirro: Two bottles of wine.

Colin Jost: See, that sounds like a lot.

Jeanine Pirro: Well, I’ve been celebrating, Colin. [Cut to Jeanine Pirro] Donald Trump has the deep state on the run. These FBI traitors thrive in the dark, but president Trump has turned on the lights and now they’re scattering like little cucarachas.

[Cut to Jeanine Pirro and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: So you’re not at all worried this trial is going to hurt the president?

Jeanine Pirro: Oh, please, Colin. Devin Nunes is going to give him hell. That’s Nunes. It’s Portuguese. That Portuguese is gonna blow the lead on this whole impeachment hoax. Oh, mama!

[Cut to Jeanine Pirro and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Actually, Devin Nunes has been accused of meeting with Russian operatives.

Jeanine Pirro: What? Oh! Oh! [Jeanine Pirro pukes all over Colin Jost] Sorry. I’ve got a bit of a winter tickle in my throat. Oopsie daisy!

Colin Jost: A winter tickle? You threw up a gallon of wine.

Jeanine Pirro: Well, then I made some room for a little apertif.

Colin Jost: Oh, no! You’re going back to drinking?

Jeanine Pirro: Don’t worry, Colin. [Cut to Jeanine Pirro] It’s a little dessert wine. To celebrate the end of this impeachment which is only helping president Trump.

[Cut to Jeanine Pirro and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I hate to point this out but Fox news’ own poll now says 54% now want president Trump impeached.

Jeanine Pirro: What? OH! OH! [Jeanine Pirro pukes on Colin Jost again] I’m so sorry. Winter cold. Let me get you a napkin. [Jeanine Pirro pukes on Colin Jost again]

Colin Jost:  It’s in my mouth. Jeanine Pirro, everyone.

Jeanine Pirro: Merry Christmas!

Colin Jost: For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Good night.

Weekend Update: Pete Davidson on Trump’s Impeachment

Colin Jost

Pete Davidson

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Mitch McConnell at left top corner]

Colin Jost: Now here to share his thoughts on historic impeachment hearings is Pete Davidson.

[cheers and applause]

[Pete Davidson slides in]

Pete Davidson: Hey Colin!

Colin Jost: How is it going, Pete? What’s your take on impeachment?

Pete Davidson: Oh, I just said that so you let met me come out here. [Cut to Pete Davidson] I have no idea what’s going on. I’m still trying to get through the Irishman. By the time it’s over, I’m gonna need the anti-ageing technology. Hell!

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: So, nothing about impeachment?

Pete Davidson: Nothing.

Colin Jost: Well, are you dating anyone?

Pete Davidson: Yeah. And it’s not fair, Colin. You get to data famous woman and everyone is delighted. [Cut to Pete Davidson ] But when I do it, the world wants to punch me in the throat. What did do I? If I’m your type of guy that your daughter or mother is into, then trust me, I’m the best case scenario. There are a million guys who look like me and I’m the only one with a job. It’s like me or Tyga. It’s hard to follow Gumby. I can’t believe you let me do this during the Eddie Murphy episode. So many fans being reminded why they stopped watching.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Well, a lot of people remember you as the youngest person since Eddie Murphy joined the cast.

Pete Davidson: Yeah! I wish they wouldn’t. It’s mean to Eddie. [Cut to Pete Davidson] There was a time where he had been in number one movie, show and song at the same time. I don’t think there was an episode where I was in both a live sketch and a video. You’re out there Colin, [Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]just rubbing elbows with the avengers. Elbows at the least. That’s my boy. That’s my boy. [Cut to Pete Davidson] When I’m done with the show, I’ll be sitting around waiting for Tash to retire. [Cut to Pete Davidson] “Hey kid, you want to see a fat kid mess up the national anthem?” [Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost] Sorry. I don’t like that guy.

Colin Jost: Pete, what are you doing for the holidays?

Pete Davidson: Oh! I’m going on a little “vacation”.

Colin Jost: Why did you put in it quotes?

Pete Davidson: You know, [Cut to Pete Davidson] the kind of vacation where insurance pays for some of it and they take your phone and shoe laces and you have roommates but it still costs like Colin Jost00 grand.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I hope you know a lot of people really care about you.

Pete Davidson: Oh, yeah, sure.

Colin Jost: I’m serious. I bet if I read a random tweet right now, it would be super popular.

Pete Davidson: How much? I got 30 racks. Let’s do it.

Colin Jost: You have $30,000 on you?

Pete Davidson: Yeah. What if Scarlett wants to go to lunch?

Colin Jost: Okay. I’m going to read the first tweet that I see here. A gentleman’s wager. Here’s the first one. “I don’t care if he’s crazy. I really love Pete Davidson.”

Pete Davidson: That’s nice. That makes me feel great. Let’s read one about you.

Colin Jost: Oh, you don’t have to do that.

Pete Davidson: No, I want to because you’re just the best. “Colin Jost is so handsome, he looks like he always gets the eight hours of sheep Pete Davidson desperately needs.:

Colin Jost: Trust me, people make fun of me a lot.

Pete Davidson: Nobody does. That’s crazy. I can only picture you having sex missionary, you know? But like, I picture it a lot.

Colin Jost: Pete Davidson, everyone.

Weekend Update: President Trump Gets Impeached

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with “Weekend Update” intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening, everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

So on Wednesday the house voted to impeach president Trump. But Nancy Pelosi refuses to send the articles to the senate until they guarantee a fair trial. So now we’re in this weird limbo where no one knows exactly what’s going on. There’s this cast of wild characters making fools of themselves. And everyone is thinking, “Please, god, just let this end.” So basically, [Picture changes to cover picture of Cats movie] it’s “Cats.”

[Picture changes to Donald Trump]

This impeachment is a huge historic moment. And you can tell that Trump really appreciates the gravity of the situation. Because this is what he said on the day he got impeached.

[Cut to Donald Trump speaking on a podium.]

Donald Trump: Remember the dishwasher? You press it, boom, there would be like an explosion. Five minutes later, you open it up, the steam pours out. Dishes. Now you press it Colin JostMichael Che times. Women tell me —

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Words that will echo through the ages. He’s the first president ever impeached in his first term and he launches into a rambling Yelp review of appliances. And then Trump got the crowd to do the weirdest call in response I’ve ever heard. Listen.

[Cut to Donald Trump speaking on a podium.]

Donald Trump: Sinks. Showers. What goes with a sink and a shower?

Crowd: Toilets!

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: His crowd knew the answer was toilets. They were right because in a second later, he reviewed his strange feud with it flushing. Check this out.

[Cut to Donald Trump speaking on a podium.]

Donald Trump: Like Colin Jost0 times. Bam! Bam! Not me, of course. Not me. [Pointing at someone] You!

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Some poor guy in the audience waited in line outdoors in Michigan in December to support the president. He gets inside and the president points to him, and he’s like “This guy destroys toilets.” But there was somehow an even lower point, which was when trump attacked a dead congressman, John Dingell and said he was looking up at us from hell. So obviously nobody is looking up at us from hell, because we’re already there.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of Donald trump and Nancy Pelosi at right top corner.]

Michael Che: In a letter of Nancy Pelosi, Trump claimed that he has been treated worse than those accused in a Salem Witch trials. You know, where they set women on fire for wearing pants. According to Donald Trump, impeachment is literally worse than that. I’m a little disappointed in Trump. I knew he would snap. I thought it would be fun like Tupac in 96′. This is more like Brittney in Michael Che007.

[Picture changes to Mike Pence]

The most interesting thing about this whole impeachment is Mike Pence, because if Trump’s out, he’s going to be the president. So, every time Trump is yelling on TV, like, “If you impeach me, it’s going to be a disaster”, Pence got to be thinking, “Well, I wouldn’t call it a disaster.” How does that not make him feel bad personally? That would be like if I tell Lorne, “You can’t fire me, then some racist would be doing Updates by himself.” [Cut to Colin Jost angrily looking at Michael Che]

[Michael Che laughing]

Colin Jost: Merry Christmas, Michael.

PBS Democratic Debate Cold Open

Judy Woodruff… Heidi Gardner

Elizabeth Warren… Kate McKinnon

Andrew Yang… Bowen Yang

Pete Buttigieg… Colin Jost

Amy Klobuchar… Rachel Dratch

Bernie Sanders… Larry David

Joe Biden… Jason Sudeikis

Michael Bloomberg… Fred Armisen

Kamala Harris… Maya Rudolph

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Nancy Pelosi… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Democratic Debate intro]

Announcer: You’re watching Democratic Debate on PBS.

[Cut to Judy Woodruff]

[cheers and applause]

Judy Woodruff: Hello, I’m Judy Woodruff and welcome to the Democratic Debate. Just like the bachelor, the further we go, the less diverse it gets. So, lets begin. From Massachusetts, it’s senator Elizabeth Warren.

Elizabeth Warren: Woo! In here, and I am in my element. PBS is my safe word. Last debate I gave you policy TMI and now I am ready to walk in.

[Cut to Judy Woodruff]

Judy Woodruff: Also in the debate stage tonight is Andrew Yang.

[Cut to Andrew Yang]

Andrew Yang: Well, my candidacy will be completely ignored by the media. That’s why I’ll conduct the rest of the debate in virtual reality! [Andrew Yang puts on his VR console on.] In here, I’m the front-runner.

[Cut to Judy Woodruff”

Judy Woodruff: He is the mayor of South Bend, Indiana. It’s Pete Buttigieg.

[Cut to Pete Buttigieg]

Pete Buttigieg: Hello, thanks you. It’s wonderful to be here tonight but I have to warn everyone tonight, I’ll be in attack mode, as long as it’s okay with you guys.

[Cut to Judy Woodruff]

Judy Woodruff: The senator from Minnesota, Amy Klobuchar.

[Cut to Amy Klobuchar]

[cheers and applause]

Amy Klobuchar: The bang is glued, girlfriend. And tonight, my voice will be as solid as my carefully rehearsed mid western mom jokes.

[Cut to Judy Woodruff]

Judy Woodruff: The senator from Vermont, Bernie Sanders.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: I’m Bernie Sanders. I’m white, can’t help it. Let’s move on.

[Cut to Judy Woodruff]

Judy Woodruff: Vice president Biden.

[Cut to Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: Hey, all right.

[cheers and applause]

Hey. Notice anything different about me? Grandpa Joe got the glow up. I was Irish man. Younger, yep. Taller, sure. Better, no.

[Cut to Judy Woodruff]

Judy Woodruff: And businessman Tom  St — wait. Mayor Bloomberg?

[Cut to Michael Cloomberg]

[cheers and applause]

Michael Cloomberg: Oopsie. Classic billionaire switcharoo.

[Cut to Judy Woodruff]

Judy Woodruff: Mr. Bloomberg, you did not qualify for this debate. How did you get here?

[Cut to Michael Cloomberg]

Michael Cloomberg: Well, for $Andrew Yang0 million, PBS is now owned by viewers like me. Look, I even got a tote bag.

[Cut to Judy Woodruff]

Judy Woodruff: Before we begin with the questions, does anyone want to prove they’re presidential by starting a petty little fight?

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren, raising hand desperately]

Elizabeth Warren: Yes! Yes! Judy, I just want to point out to everybody that mayor Pete here, held a billionaire fundraiser in a wine cave with crystals, dripping candelabras, basically “eyes wide shut” minus any sex appeal, whatsoever. Now, look, I’ve never even been to a wine cave. I haven’t even been to filene’s basement. Too much shimmer and shine.

[Cut to Pete Buttigieg]

Pete Buttigieg: Okay, I would just like to point something out, I’m the only person on the stage who isn’t a millionaire or a billionaire. I live on my mayor’s salary plus $Elizabeth Warren0 a week allowance from my parents, and that’s only if I do my chores.

[Cut to Judy Woodruff]

Judy Woodruff: Senator Klobuchar, you’re looking assertive today. Is there something you would like to add?

[Cut to Amy Klobuchar]

Amy Klobuchar: Yes. The only cave I ever go to is a man cave. I call it ‘The senate.’ For more of these classic zingers, please check out my stand-up special, “Land of Judy Woodruff0,000 laughs,” only streaming Costco+ streaming service.

[Cut to Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: Hey, hey, quit picking on little Bo Pete over here. Kid’s trying his best. Speaking of, have you noticed that I’m playing with almost a full deck of cards tonight, huh? I haven’t even told the long rambling story yet, but I got one locked and loaded. Here it comes. [snaps his fingers] The year was Judy WoodruffKamala Harris whoops-a-daisy, and my pale white ass is strutting down the mean streets of Wilmington when I come across a group of fellas singing some doo-wop tunes surrounding a– one of those flaming trash can. Now, I know I need to be racially sensitive here, but it’s important for you to know his name was Ol’ Black Charlie.

[Cut to Andrew Yang]

Andrew Yang: See, this is exactly why we need  to have more candidates of diversity on the stage.

[Kamala Harris walks in with a martini in her hand]

Kamala Harris: Oh, I could not agree more.

[Cut to Judy Woodruff]

Judy Woodruff: Senator Harris, what are you doing here? You dropped out, remember?

[Cut to Kamala Harris]

Kamala Harris: Oh, is this a debate? I had no idea. I was just in the neighborhood. But while I’m here, I just want to show you how good you could have had it, America. You withheld your donations, and I got tired of waiting, so I walked my fine ass out the door. You could have had a bad bitch.

[Cut to Judy Woodruff]

Judy Woodruff: Mr. Sanders, I’d ask you to also comment on the declining diversity in the debate field? I know you just want to talk about climate change.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Of course I do. Look at me. Are you really surprised that my main concern is the temperature? At my house, I have a sharpie on the thermostat so I know if you move it. And let me tell you, no matter how hot the earth gets, I will not wear shorts. I swim in corduroy. Google “Bernie Sanders’ legs.” No results. Let’s keep it that way.

[Cut to Judy Woodruff]

Judy Woodruff: Okay, I think we should move on. Senator Klobuchar, do you believe the next president has a duty to fight corruption?

[Cut to Amy Klobuchar]

Amy Klobuchar: Yes. When our next president is inaugurated, I think SHE will make SHE-ure that people are HER-d!

[Cut to Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: I don’t know what’s going on, but I just wanna say I love the ladies. Okay? Even these tough broads. I have the utmost respect for all Lizzy woo and senator Kambucho over there. I do.

[Cut to Judy Woodruff]

Judy Woodruff: Maybe we need to have fewer debates. I think you’re hurting your cause.

[Cut to a speaker standing in front of Bernie Sanders and Amy Klobuchar]

Speaker: Speaking of hurting our cause?

Amy Klobuchar: Why you here?

Speaker: Democrats, I’ll get you, my party, and your little mayor, Too. [laughing evilly]

[Cut to Judy Woodruff]

Judy Woodruff: Speaking of drama, president Trump was impeached this week. Assuming he is still candidate, can you beat him in

[Cuyt to Michael Cloomberg]

Michael Cloomberg: Probably not. I’m just doing this to get my steps in.

[Cut to Judy Woodruff]

Judy Woodruff: Senator Sanders, same question.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Look, Trump is the most corrupt president in our history and he’s not the only one lying to the American public. Amazon lies. Apple lies. Even my iPhone lies. Every time it says it’s at Judy Woodruff% battery, it stays on for at least Elizabeth Warren0 minutes. But then other times, it is at Joe Biden%, shuts down immediately.go figure! Apple, what are you trying to hide? And what is my password?

[Cut to Kamala Harris]

Kamala Harris: Look. Look. I’ll still beat Trump. Because when he gets to the senate judiciary committee, he’s going to wish he never heard my name.

[music playing][rapping]

It’s pronounced Kamala 

it rhymes with Pamala

it ain’t Camilla Cabello

it’s just Kamala

[music stops]

[Cut to Judy Woodruff]

Judy Woodruff: Well, candidates, you’ve all spent the last two years talking smack about president Trump. But what if I told you — [Cut to Donald Trump in the backstage] He’s been backstage the whole time and he’s heard everything you said.  Come on out, Mr. President!

[Donald Trump walks in]

[cheers and applause]

Donald Trump. You think I’m scared? You think I’m nervous? What are you going to do? Impeach me? Losers! Impeach me outside, okay? How about that? Impeach me outside!

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: This is ridiculous. Why is he here?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: So people will actually watch this little freak show. This is the best the dems cosmetic come up with? Pocahontas? Sleepy Joe? I’m just gonna riff on some new ones. Mayor butt. Klobuchart. That’s good, that’s good. Scrooge McDuck, Ben and Jerry’s.

[Cut to Andrew Yang]

Andrew Yang: Okay!

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: There are no rules now that I’m impeached. You had it easy with Donald Trump Delirious, but now you’re going to get Donald Trump Raw, baby.

[Cut to Donald Trump and Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: Listen up, Bucko. I challenge to you a push-up contest. Talking me, you, shirts off, nips out, first guy to do one wins. What do you say?

Donald Trump: Go ahead. I’m not afraid of anything.

[Nancy Pelosi walks in]

Nancy Pelosi: Are you sure you’re not afraid of anything?

Donald Trump: Oh, my god! Nancy Pelosi. I thought it was Krampus! Did you read the letter I sent you?

Nancy Pelosi: Oh, the one that was six pages, single spaced like a serial killer? No. I didn’t read it. I’m sorry. But I brought you two gifts Mr. President. They’re the articles of impeachment.

Donald Trump: Oh! Great! Give it to Mitch in the senate, and everything is gravy, baby.

Nancy Pelosi: Okay, but here’s the thing. You know how sometimes you get a gift and you like it so much that you keep it as a gift for yourself?

Donald Trump: You can’t do that.

Nancy Pelosi: Well, watch me. Good luck at the state of the union. Oh! And one more thing.

Everybody: Live from New York it’s Saturday Night!