Tag: Colin Jost

Weekend Update: R. Kelly’s Financial Problems | Season 44 Episode 14

Michael Che

Colin Jost

[Starts with Michael Che in his set. There’s a picture of R. Kelly at right top corner of the screen]

Michael Che: R. Kelly. R. Kelly has faced a string of financial problems including unpaid child support. Although for R. Kelly, unpaid child support is also alimony. But do you get it?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Bryce Harper at left top corner of the screen]

Colin Jost: That’s good. Bryce Harper signed a 13 year $330 million contract with the Philadelphia Phillies, finally answering the question, how much would someone have to pay you to live in Philadelphia? He didn’t think he was going there. [Picture changes to Target logo] In effort to compete with Victoria’s Secret, Target has launched a new bra and underwear brand for women. It’s the lingerie that’ll have your man saying, “Not tonight”.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of prison at right top corner of the screen]

Michael Che: A man who was sentenced to life for murder at age 17 has been released from prison at the age of 74. The man says he can’t wait to see his friends and family, but what he misses the most is murdering. [Picture changes to picture map of Alabama] Two people in Alabama were arrested after getting into a fight at a restaurant over crab legs at a buffet which coincidentally is also the image on [Picture changes to state flog of Alabama] the Alabama state flag.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of New York picture map at left top corner of the screen]

Colin Jost: Police in New York arrested a man who faked his own abduction and robbery to avoid paying 50 grand what he owed in a Super Bowl pool. Worse, the man had just lost his job on [Picture changes to Jussie Smollett] Empire. That’s Weekend Update, Good night!

Weekend Update: Smokery Farms | Season 44 Episode 14

Colin Jost

Vaneta Starkie… Kate McKinnon

Wylene Starkie… Aidy Bryant

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: A pig named Picasso– a pig named Picasso who was saved from a slaughter house because it’s ability to paint, has sold it’s paintings for thousands of dollars. Here to comment are the owners of Smokery Farm’s Meat Gift Delivery Service, Va Netta and Wylene Starkie.

[Va Netta and Wylene Starkie come in]

Va Netta: Hi, how are you doing. Hi.

Wylene Starkie: We’re cousins.

[Cut to Colin, Va Netta and Wylene Starkie]

Colin Jost: Thanks for being here guys.

Wylene Starkie: Well, look Colin. All these amazing animal stories might be heartwarming for y’all, but they’re not great for meat farmers.

[Cut to Va Netta and Wylene Starkie]

Va Netta: That’s right. People going vegan left and right because of damn internet keep showing people videos with titles like, “Pig teaches deaf dog to bark”.

Wylene Starkie: Yeah, or “Chicken reminds man what he loves about his wife”.

Va Netta: You see, every time a cow salutes a veteran, our stocks take a hit.

Wylene Starkie: Yeah, yeah, but you do not need to feel guilty with us, because going forward, Smokery Farms will only serve meat from animals that are individually stupid and bad.

Va Netta: That’s right. All our crowd favorite meat gifts are now made from the dumbest, worst, most nothing personalities farm junks.

[Cut to Colin, Va Netta and Wylene Starkie]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. I don’t think I understand.

Wylene Starkie: Okay, well, we can show you then. [Va Netta brings a basket of variety of meat] [Cut to Va Netta and Wylene Starkie]

Here we go. Oh, wow! Look at all that. Look at that gorgeous stink basket. I will tell you, a lot of meat. And the scent is strong. Now, our veal cutlet, now this is made from a little dud who couldn’t do tricks and he refused his Halloween costume, okay? You are going to feel no guilt when you soak him in milk and feed him to your children.

Va Netta: That’s right. Now, a recent study of 100 chickens, all but one could identify himself in the mirror. We done got that one. His name was Sun Dan and now he’s a nugget. Bon Appetite.

Wylene Starkie: That’s right. [Wylene Starkie smells the meat] Yum, I’m getting hungry. Now, you are going to love our six-ounce filet mignon. Now, that’s from a cow who hit a kid in the weiner for no reason. No reason at all.

Va Netta: Oh, why don’t you try our lamb chops. These are from lambs who would not stop body shaming the goats. These are bad criminals y’all, but they taste incredible.

Wylene Starkie: Oh, yum. Yum! Now, I have got to say that this roast duck was a smart duck who could spell, but the only word it spelled was the R word. When corrected it doubled down hard.

Va Netta: Or why don’t you try our very good apple wood smoked bacon. Here from a little piggy who went to market and held it’s owner at a gunpoint.

[Cut to Colin, Va Netta and Wylene Starkie]

Colin Jost: That doesn’t sound like something an animal would do.

Va Netta: You like meat, Colin?

Wylene Starkie: Colin, you are a big meat boy, Colin?

[Va Netta and Wylene Starkie moves the basket of met near Colin]

Colin Jost: Not close, no. I would not say I’m a big meat boy, but I eat meat. Like meat.

[Cut to Va Netta and Wylene Starkie]

Va Netta: I think we got a big meat boy in the house. Then your mouth must be watering for dumb, mean, bad and worthless animals.

[Cut to Colin, Va Netta and Wylene Starkie]

Colin Jost: It kind of is now, yeah.

Wylene Starkie: We got them fur, baby Colin, okay? At Smokery Farms. They’re the bad boys who taste so dang good.

Colin Jost: Va Netta and Wylene Starkie, everyone.

Weekend Update: Michael Cohen’s Congressional Testimony | Season 44 Episode 14

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Narrator: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set]

Colin Jost: Thank you, good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. [Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a rat stuck in a hole at the left top corner of the screen] Okay, this is weird, but did you guys see this picture online of a chubby sewer rat that got stuck in a manhole? It’s this creature that usually seems gross, but under these circumstances, it’s kind of adorable and you almost feel sorry for it. Well, that’s how I felt about watching [Picture changes to Michael Cohen] Michael Cohen testify before congress. Cohen who looks like he shaves in the car, accused the sitting president of fraud, tax evasion, racism and republicans fired back like, “Yes, that’s our guy”. The testimony had so many fun weird details that no one even followed up about. Like how Cohen said that [Picture changes to Donald Trump and Buffalo Bills logo] Trump inflated his net worth by $4 billion in an effort to buy Buffalo Bills. You lied to buy the Bills? It’s like using a fake ID to get into a [The picture changes to Nickleback band] Nickleback concert. [Picture changes to Michael Cohen at left and Donald Trump at right] Cohen also provide congress of copies of letters threatening Trump’s high schools and colleges not to release his SAT scores. And well, Cohen did not reveal what those scores were. Let’s just say Trump lives a little closer to 920 Pennsylvania Avenue than to 1600.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Michael Cohen and Donald Trump at the right top corner of the screen]

Michael Che: Michael Cohen told congress about all the dirty little nasty freaky things that Donald Trump made him do. I don’t know why I just made that sexual. But I am tired of Michael Cohen’s damns in distress routine, “Oh, Mr. Trump took advantage of me. I guess I’m a fool.” You stole United State’s presidency. Why are you acting like a bitch now? His voice was not trembling when he was threatening school teachers and shaking down porn stars. I want to hear that guy talk to congress. At least Donald Trump has the decency to slowly fall apart until he was dragged off in handcuffs like a boss. I mean, that’s how I want to leave SNL.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Kim Jong-Un at the left corner of the screen]

Colin Jost: Wile Cohen was testifying, President Trump met with North Korean Dictator and let’s face it, one of his top five closest friends, Kim Jong-Un. Talks broke down when the two leaders could not agree on sanctions. Another problem was Kim Jong-Un used an interpreter while Trump just spoke English, but louder.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Kim Jong-Un at the right corner of the screen]

Michael Che: Some people are saying this summit was a big waste of time. Maybe it was, but I learned Kim Jong-Un has a sister. [Zoom in the picture where a young girl is watching Kim Jong-Un from behind] You see her? I don’t know what she does but she is always hiding [Different pictures appear, all with the girl behind Kim Jong-Un] somewhere behind him and it’s adorable as hell. Like a little Korean Where’s Waldo.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump’s speech at the left corner of the screen]

Colin Jost: And then just earlier today, Trump spoke at the C-PAC conference for, I’m not exaggerating, two hours and 20 minutes straight. And it started with Trump coming out and hugging the American flag like Lenny from ‘Of Mice and Men’.

[Cut to video clip of Donald Trump hugging the American flag]

[Cut to Colin Jost]

What the hell was that? And then after that, patriotic me too moment, it somehow got crazier from there, here’s just a taste.

[Cut to Donald Trump speech]

Donald Trump: Our country is in big trouble, folks, because we have to get it back. Darling is the wind blowing today? I’d like to watch television, darling. The Attorney General says, “I’m going to rescue myself.” And I’m in the White House and I was lonely. I said, “Let’s go to Iraq”. So I met generals I don’t know. General one, general two, general three. I said, “What’s your name?” “Sir, my name is Raisin”. What the hell kind of a name—I said, “Raisin like the fruit?” $7 trillion and we have to fly in with no lights. Please get us e-mails! Please! I’m going to regret this speech.

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Yeah. Well, at least he’s self-aware. Anyway, if you were curious, Trump’s really handling the Cohen testimony really well.

Weekend Update: Supercentenarian Mort Fellner | Season 44 Episode 13

Mort Fellner… Mikey Day

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set]

Colin Jost: A recent report found the United States has the highest number of super centenarians, people 110 years or older. Here with the latest goings on on the super centenarian community is super centenarian, Mort Fellner.

[Mort Fellner joins with papers in his hands]

Mort Fellner: I have papers. I’m a news man like you.

Colin Jost: That’s great, Mort.

Mort Fellner: What?

Colin Jost: That’s great.

Mort Fellner: I thought I’d share some super things that America’s over 700 super centenarians are up to.

Colin Jost: That sounds great.

[Cut to Mort Fellner]

Mort Fellner: Okay. 118 year old Edith Farmer has been in the news this week.

[Cut to Mort Fellner and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Okay. What did she do?

Mort Fellner: She passed away Tuesday of natural causes.

Colin Jost: Oh, no. That’s not where I thought that was going.

Mort Fellner: Hey, Colin. How old is too old to skydive?

Colin Jost: You know what? I’m going to say you are never too old to skydive.

[Cut to Mort Fellner]

Mort Fellner: Yeah! Well, 116 year old Josie Baits said the same thing.

[Cut to Mort Fellner and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Great.

Mort Fellner: Go, Josie. She went to Cloud Town skydiving school on Monday [Cut to Mort Fellner] and ascended to 20,000 feet and kept on going up to heaven. She passed away peacefully on the plane of natural causes.

[Cut to Mort Fellner and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Okay. All right. Let’s maybe change the subject a little. Are there any fun super centenarian events coming up?

Mort Fellner: Yup! Mark your calendars. Next month’s annual super centenarian prom–

Colin Jost: That’s fun.

[Cut to Mort Fellner]

Mort Fellner: — has been canceled following the passing of it’s organizer, 113 year old Rose Dally.

[Cut to Mort Fellner and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: More of something that ends on a more pleasant note.

Mort Fellner: How about Showbiz news.

Colin Jost: Great! Yeah!

[Cut to Mort Fellner]

Mort Fellner: Broadway, meet 114 year old Abner Burton who will join Hamilton next week –

[Cut to Mort Fellner and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Wow!

Mort Fellner: –when he is laid to rest at Trinity Church Graveyard on Broadway in Lower Manhattan, the final resting place for Alexander Hamilton.

Colin Jost: Yeah. See, it’s actively misleading. All right, more– I’m sorry–

Mort Fellner: Hey, hey.

Colin Jost: Are there any headlines you got there about living super centenarians?

[Cut to Mort Fellner]

Mort Fellner: Yeah. Lifelong bachelor, 111 year old Mel Thomas became the country’s oldest newlywed last week when he married 99 year old Ethyl Birmingham–

[Cut to Mort Fellner and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Cradle robber, right?

Mort Fellner: — on her death bed, it was.

Colin Jost: Don’t pause.

Mort Fellner: Lastly, [Cut to Mort Fellner] 116 year old Gavin McLaughlin was awarded the 2019 sexiest super centenarian alive award, posthumously.

[Cut to Mort Fellner, Colin Jost and Michael Che]

Colin Jost: Mort Fellner, everyone.

Mort Fellner: No! Can I meet Pete?

Colin Jost: No, you can’t. No. Weekend Update. I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Weekend Update: President Trump Declares a National Emergency | Season 44 Episode 13

Colin Jost

Michael Che

Tommy… Pete Davidson

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Narrator: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[Cut to Colin and Michael in their news set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening, everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m colin Jost. [Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at the left top former of the screen] President Trump declared a national emergency yesterday and said we need a wall to stop the flow of drugs into our country. And to demonstrate how bad the problem is, trump spent 20 minutes doing his impressions of a coke addict.

[Cut to video clip of Donald Trump’s speeches]

Donald Trump: It’s all a big lie. It’s a big con game. I don’t know what to do with all the money they’re giving us. It’s crazy. Eight billion or two billion or one and half billion—it’s gonna build a lot of wall. We give death penalty. Fire and fury. Total annihilation. The Nobel Peace prize. Probably never get it, but that’s okay, gave it to Obama. So that’s the story.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at the left top former of the screen]

Colin Jost:  what a beautiful story it was. Trump then described in a sing-song voice how his decoration will face a lengthy legal challenge before he can actually act on it saying this.

[Cut to video clip of Donald Trump’s speeches]

Donald Trump: And we will have a national emergency, and we will then be sued and they will sue us in the ninth circuit, even though it shouldn’t be there, and we will possibly get a bad ruling, and then we’ll get another bad ruling, and then we will end up in supreme court, and hopefully we’ll get a fair shake, and we’ll win to the supreme court, just like the band.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at the left top former of the screen]

Colin Jost: [Colin talks in sing-song voice like Donald Trump] Oh, my god. That guy controls our nuclear weapons.

Watching that was like a [Picture changes to School House Rock’s picture] School House Rock had stroke. By the way, [Picture changes to Donald Trump giving speech outside the White House] you know what an actual national emergency is, the climate change that let the president give an outdoor press conference in the middle of February.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and the wall at the right top former of the screen]

Michael Che: I’m so tired of telling Donald Trump’s crazy jokes. I have been making fun of this dude and his dumb ass wall for so long, I got to be honest, now, I kind of want to see the wall. I mean, I never have seen anybody so confident in such a bad idea. It’s almost charming. Like when Colin thought [Picture changes to Colin Jost with cornrows hair] he could pull off cornrows. I’m not saying we should let him [Picture changes to Donald Trump and the wall] build the wall, but what if we let him do a power point presentation. A dramatic reenactment. I just want to see exactly what Trump thinks is going to happen when a Mexican cartel sees a wall. What do you think they’re gonna do? Shake their fists and turn around and walk home. Do you know how motivated you got to be to sell drugs? I know a guy that swallowed a bag of dope, pooped it out and washed it off, and then still sold it. You can’t build a wall to stop that kind of crimes man!

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at the left top former of the screen]

Colin Jost: And I don’t know if you noticed but Trump’s messaging on the wall keeps changing too. First it was ‘Build a wall’. Then he changed it to ‘Finish the Wall’ and then when he doesn’t finish the wall, it will be, ‘Actually The Wall Was Inside Of Us The Whole Time’. However, the deal with congress did provide funding for a 55-mile section of slats, and we actually have one of Trump’s best guys who is there right now. He’s already started building it. Did you finish that first section yet Tommy?

[Cut to Tommy in front of the wall. The slats are horizontally built like a ladder.]

Tommy: That’s right, this slats all ready to go, boss. Oh, that hurts, I think we built a ladder.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at the left top former of the screen]

Colin Jost: That was it. Trump described increased violence at the border, but to be fair, he had air tight evidence to back it up.

[Cut to video clip of Donald Trump’s speech]

Donald Trump: I used many stats.

Reporter: Could you share those stats with us?

Donald Trump: Let me tell you, you have stats that are far worse than the ones that I use. I use many stats.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at the left top former of the screen]

Colin Jost: Many of them. Does anyone get the sneaking suspicion when he says many, he means zero. It’s like turning in a paper where the bibliography section just says many books.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of the wall at the right top former of the screen]

Michael Che: This wall is clearly racist. It’s just a way for the native Americans to blame brown people for their new heroin habit. Why didn’t they build a wall for us it in the 80s when we needed it. But the problem isn’t that drugs are coming in, the problem is people really want to get high. Address that part. If your wife is cheating on you, she is not going to stop because you built a wall around the house. You have to get the root of the actual problem, otherwise you just going to come home and find strange men running around in those slats.

Weekend Update: Jules on the Oscars – SNL | Season 44 Episode 8

Colin Jost

Jules… Beck Bennett

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set]

Colin Jost: The Oscars are only a week away and there will be no host for the ceremony. Here with his take is self-described cultural renegade, Jules who sees things a little differently.

[Jules comes in]

Jules: Hi, hello. Ni-hao, Colin. It’s so …[Jules breathes in] intoxicating to be back.

Colin Jost: Really great. So what do you expect from the Oscars this year?

Jules: Well, first of all, growing up, [Cut to Jules] I wasn’t like other kids. I was a little un-orthodox, if that makes sense. If other kids were dressing up for Halloween, I was dressing up for Wednesday. If my peers were throwing around a football ball, I was gathering scraps of yarn for say, a puppet’s wig. So I guess I just see things a little differently.

[Cut to Jules and Colin]

Colin Jost: That’s great. I didn’t ask but that. Let’s talk about Oscars.

Jules: Oh, here’s a referee, Colin. [Cut to Jules] They open the envelope and the Oscar goes to a lightning bug squished on the ground yet still he glows. The sun light on an old fence covered in dust, or a little boy buying his first penny candy. Go on, Colin. [Cut to Jules and Colin] Close your eyes and taste it. Mmm. Taste your childhood.

Colin Jost: Dude, your hands are visibly dirty. So, just tell me. Are you going to watch the red carpet?

Jules:  I’ll watch and scoff, Colin. [Cut to Jules] Yes, they all ask who are you wear something? What I want to know is who are you being? I want to tell every actress I see, take your clothes off, I want to see what’s underneath.

[Cut to Jules and Colin]

Colin Jost: No, you can’t do that, man. That’s really bad.

Jules: Society wants to paint them like little dolls, [Cut to Jules] but they should be like dolls I had as a child, riddled with drift wood with really realistic genitalia.

[Cut to Jules and Colin]

Colin Jost: All right. So I don’t know, who do you think is going to win best picture?

Jules: Oh, that’s tough. [Cut to Jules] On one hand I’m rooting for Black Panther or I call it, Equal Panther. [Cut to Jules and Colin] I also loved Green Book. [Cut to Jules] The story of a wise black musician teaching a mentally challenged Italian man how to love.

[Cut to Jules and Colin]

Colin Jost: I don’t think he is mentally challenged.

Jules: No, no, no. See the movie. He was. But, here’s my real best picture, Colin. [Cut to Jules]  Open on a baby laughing. He knows nothing, yet he knows more than we ever will. Cut to a white hand touching a black hand, finally. Pan over a young man feeding old woman soup. Yum. Slam zoom into the old woman’s eye. We see World War II and at it’s entirety reverse shot revealed, the baby was filming it the entire time.

[Cut to Jules and Colin]

Colin Jost: The baby was filming World War II?

Jules: And laughing, yes. She was. Wow! Gratitude.

Colin Jost: Yeah, great. Great. That’s really Cool. I am just curious. I feel like I have to ask. Your primary source of income.

[Cut to Jules]

Jules: Oh, my father sold guns to Al Qaeda.

[Cut to Jules and Colin]

Colin Jost: Jules, everyone.

Jules: The Oscar goes to Whimsy.

 

Weekend Update: Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer | Season 44 Episode 13

Colin Jost

Chuck Shumer… Alex Moffat

Nancy Pelosi… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost on his new set]

Colin Jost: In the wake of what is being called a political victory, democratic leaders have cautioned their rank and file not to gloat or celebrate the outcome excessively. Here to comment are senator minority leader Chuck Schumer and speaker of the house, Nancy Pelosi.

[Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi come in]

[Cheers and applause]

Chuck Schumer: No, no, no, don’t make it – You’re being silly.

Colin Jost: Now, many are saying you ran rings around the president in the wall negotiation and yet you’ve decided not to gloat?

[Cut to Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi]

Chuck Schumer: What is there to gloat about? I mean the president is a very tough negotiator.

Nancy Pelosi: We are actually– we are devastated with the outcome.

Chuck Schumer: Um-hmm. That’s correct. The truth is, Colin, the president ate our lunch.

Nancy Pelosi: He ate our lunch, he ate his lunch, he at all the lunches. He likes lunch. [Nancy Pelosi starts crying]

Chuck Schumer: You said you wouldn’t. You promised you wouldn’t.

Nancy Pelosi: No, I’m so bad. Okay, okay. This is very serious. See Colin, the president really did whip our butts here.

Chuck Schumer: Um-hmm, and that’s just one reason I’m sitting on hemorrhoid cushion right now. [Nancy Pelosi starts crying again] Wowy!

[Cut to Colin, Nancy and Chuck]

Colin Jost: All right. Okay. Guys! The  president did come away with a lot less money than he was asking for. He only got a fraction of his wall money.

Nancy Pelosi: What? Colin, are you sure about that? It was probably a big fraction, Right?

Chuck Schumer: Yeah. It would have to be a big fraction. A big, big fraction.

Colin Jost: Yeah, well, it was only 2.3% of the total amount you need.

[Cut to Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi]

Nancy Pelosi: 2%? Well,  that sounds like a lot to me.

Chuck Schumer: 2%. I can’t even drink milk that rich – I’d explode.

[Cut to Colin, Nancy and Chuck]

Nancy Pelosi: Thank you, Colin. We have been humiliated.

[Cut to Colin, Nancy and Chuck]

Chuck Schumer: We wanted something sure, but he gave us everything.

Nancy Pelosi: Daddy, though, Colin. Daddy real tough.

Chuck Schumer: I can only imagine what Ann Coulter is saying about us. Let’s have a look. [Chuck Schumer takes his phone out] Okay, and Coulter says, “The only national emergency is that our president is an idiot.”

Nancy Pelosi: What?

Chuck Schumer: Well, that’s not very nice. I thought she liked him.

Nancy Pelosi: That’s shocking. I was shocked when I printed that out this morning. [Nancy takes a framed newspaper article out]

Colin Jost: All right. That seems like gloating. That’s gloating.

Nancy Pelosi: Okay.

Chuck Schumer: You got us.

Colin Jost: Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer everyone.

Weekend Update: This Is America Wins Song of the Year | Season 44 Episode 13

[Starts with Michael Che in his set. There’s a picture of Childish Gambino at the right top corner of the screen.]

Michael Che: Childish Gambino’s ‘This is America’ made history when it became the first rap song to win song of the year at the Grammy’s. If you’re wondering why it took so long for rap to win this award, it’s cause this is America.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his set. There’s a picture of Rubin Diaz at the left top corner of the screen.]

Colin Jost: New York city council member and bounty hunter from the future Rubin Diaz has been criticized after saying that New York city council is controlled by the homosexual community, which is strange criticism coming form a guy who looks like all the villages put together. [The picture changes to an ambulance] New York city lawmakers have also proposed a new law that would change the sound of the emergency vehicle siren to resemble those used in Europe. That way when you can spend your ride in the ambulance pretending you have universal health care.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Ryan Adams at the left top corner of the screen.]

Michael Che: The FBI is investigating whether Ryan Adams committed crime by engaging in textually explicit communications with a 14 year old fan. Another example of a white musician doing something that [Picture changes to R. Kelly] a black musician did first.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of five democratic centers at the left top corner of the screen.]

Colin Jost: Well, the —

Michael Che: I’ll stand by.

Colin Jost: Yes. Political experts note that the five democratic centers who have announced runs for president have not attacked each other yet because they’re friends. But that will change soon because one sassy bitch didn’t come here to [Picture changes to Bernie Sanders] make friends. On Thursday, [Picture changes to Queens city and Amazon’s logo]  Amazon announced they were cancelling plans to open a second headquarters in Queens means losing 25,000 new jobs. Even if you hate Amazon and all is it stands for, 25,000 is a lot of jobs. That’s like all the jobs in Greece. And by the way, there are a lot worse companies in New York than Amazon. For example, [Picture changes to the logo of Trump Organization] the Trump Organization. That’s only created like five jobs. Though in fairness, they were for highly unskilled laborers.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Last Call with Carson Daly’s cover photo at the left top corner of the screen.]

Michael Che: Carson Daly announced that he will be ending his show ‘Last Call with Carson Daly’ after discovering that he was still on TV.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Katy Perry’s fashion shoe at the left top corner of the screen.]

Colin Jost: Katy Perry’s fashion line had discontinued a show after criticism that it resembled black face. But I don’t know, it doesn’t even really resemble a shoe. If anyone should be mad about this, it’s Mrs. Potato Head.

Michael Che: That was a good joke.

Colin Jost: Oh thank you. [Picture changes to a fire brigade and a box of Cheese It] A man was arrested after he locked his mother and brother in a house that set fire to it after getting in an argument with them about a box of Cheese Its, which I blame in their new slogan is ‘Cheese It, so good, you’ll murder your family’.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of an airport at the left top corner of the screen.]

Michael Che: The regional airport in South Carolina was shut down for several hours after a woman was found wandering the grounds almost completely naked. Except for her landing strip.

Weekend Update: Blackface and Blackmail Scandals | Season 44 Episode 12

Michael Che

Colin Jost

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che. [Cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin and Michael in their news set]

Michael Che: What’s up, everybody?

Colin Jost: Welcome to ‘Weekend Update’. I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. [Cut to Michael Che. There are pictures of news articles at the right top corner of the screen.] Making jokes about the news can get a little redundant for me. But every so often you see picture of a governor blackface and I’m like , “This will be fun.” First, the governor of Virginia [Picture changes to Ralph Northam] admitted to wearing blackface in college for a Michael Jackson costume, by the way, making that the least accurate Michael Jackson costume possible. That wouldn’t be crazy enough, but then the [Picture changes Mark Herring] Attorney General was like, “You too? Blackface is my jam!” And then [Picture changes to Liam Neeson] Liam Neeson was like, “Blackface? Hold my beer. I didn’t want to bring this up ever, but for a week I was trying to kill a black dude with baseball bat. Anyhow, my movie comes out Friday.” This has been a tough week. Not to mention we also found out [Picture changes to 21 Savage] 21 Savage was deported for being British is is kind of like finding out [Picture changes to Adele] Adele is from Atlanta. 21 actually [Picture changes to 21 Savage] had to leave the UK as the kid probably because crazy ass Liam Neeson was trying to kill black dudes with a baseball bat.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of Ralph Northam  at the left top corner of the screen.]

Colin Jost: Virginia Governor Ralph Northam is still refusing to resign after a racist photo from his yearbook surface. Okay, but if it was in a yearbook, I mean, how bad could it be? [Picture changes to a yearbook photo dressed up as a black guy and a KKK] Okay. Okay. So very bad. I think. I knew it was a yearbook but I didn’t know the year was 1870. By the way, this yearbook is from is a medical school. These two men are doctors. And Northam claims that neither of these guys os him, which do you know how much crazier it is to have that photo on your yearbook page and you aren’t in it? You just put in on your yearbook page like it’s part of your vision board. What was your inspirational quote? “Dress line no one’s watching.”

[Picture changes to Ralph Northam] Democrats are calling for Northam to resign but the second in line is Embroiled in two sexual assault scandals, and the third in line also did blackface. So maybe Virginia should just take a queue from the Oscars and just do without a governor this year. Or maybe they come full circle and make it Governor [Picture changes to Kevin Hart] Kevin Hart.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of a woman wearing black sweater that covers your lower face and logo of Gucci at the right top corner of the screen.]

Michael Che: And then, Gucci comes out with this sweater. What was I even trying to make? I don’t even want an apology. I’m way more interested in the racist journey. As much as black people love Gucci, this is devastating. Imagine if you found out Lululemon was making maga hats. I don’t know black people in Europe you could have talked to. Why just hire Liam Neeson, anything that makes him laugh, don’t make.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of Jeff Bezos at the left top corner of the screen.]

Colin Jost:  Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos claims he was blackmailed by the publisher of the ‘National Enquirer’, which he said threatened to publish semi-nude selfies of him. If you’re curious about what Bezos’ penis looks like, here’s an exclusive preview. [It’s the same picture of Jeff Bezos, but his face is gone] I swear to god, when I clicked on this story and the page was loading. I thought the top of his head [The picture changes to online article and the picture half way loading with only top of his head visible] was the top of his penis. And by the way, I want to apologize for this picture [Picture changes to faceless Jeff Bezos] I showed you even though I am showing it to you right now. This picture is so horrifying, I’m surprised it’s not on Governor Northam’s year book page.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of Donald Trump at the right top corner of the screen.]

Michael Che: During the state of the union address, President Trump urged political unity, which is kind of like [Picture changes to logo of Captain Morgan Whiskey] Captain Morgan urging sobriety. [Picture changes to Donald Trump] He also claimed that if he hadn’t been elected, the US would have gone to war with North Korea. First of all, you don’t knowTwhat. And second, all right,  fine, we’ll take that, just anything but you.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is pictures of Donald Trump at the left top corner of the screen.]

Colin Jost: President Trump began his speech with his tie crooked in his jacket. While [Picture changes to Mike Pence] Mike Pence’s tie was so straight, it made me suspicious. [Picture changes to White House] And now, democrats on house intelligence committee have begun the process of obtaining President Trump’s tax returns which is very exciting. You know theose are bad, because if these are his lawyers and this is his doctor, then his accountant is a CD-ROM of turbo tax with a code problem.

[Cut to Michael Che. There are pictures of Nancy Pelosi and Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez at the right top corner of the screen.]

Michael Che: Speaker of the house Nancy Pelosi refused to commit to bringing up representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s ambitious green new deal proposal for a vote, saying that she ‘Welcomes the enthusiasm’. Which is old white lady speak for ‘Girl, bye’.

Weekend Update: Guy Who Just Bought a Boat’s Respectful Valentine’s Day Tips | Season 44 Episode 12

Guy Who Just Bought a Boat… Alex Moffat

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set]

Colin Jost: Valentine’s day is next week. But these days it can be tricky to navigate the early stages of romance without crossing any lines. Here with his respectful dating tips is, Guy Who Just Bought a Boat.

[Guy Who Just Bought a Boat joins Colin Jost]

Guy Who Bought a Boat: Hello. This is how we cupid. Haha. Little jokecino. This is now we cupid. Top of the $metoo to you two. Ha-ha. It’s muaah! I’m here to teach you how to score some Giney while keeping your tiny hiney on this side of the liney.

Colin Jost: Giney?

Guy Who Bought a Boat: First T-I-P, [Cut to Guy Who Just Bought a Boat] if you want to please that tease, don’t be skeeze. Treat her the way you’d treat a man who could give you something. AKA, with respect.  I have a small penis. And fellas, women live in a dangerous world. Okay? Last week, I went on a date with a girl and five mins into din-din she gets a call that her roommate was on fire, she had to split, supes trag.

[Cut to Guy Who Just Bought a Boat and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Yeah. That sounds like she made that up to get away from you.

Guy Who Bought a Boat: Hey! Believe women. #metoo. Centimeters rock hard, three flaccid.

Colin Jost: Wait, wait, it gets smaller?

Guy Who Bought a Boat: No, fellas, if you want to make your date like the decimal system—uh, Dewey. [Cut to Guy Who Just Bought a Boat] Listen for those all importantante non-verby que-queues. Things like frowing, doing the thumbs down. Repeatedly saying ‘I want to go home’. God, cursed me with a bad dog. That’s hog. Tip numbero douche, make sure she is of age, like, legit league. Because you can’t spell ‘Cupid’ without the ‘See, I.D.’? You must be at least this old to ride this ride. It’s a small world. Now, let’s talk gift suites.

[Cut to Guy Who Just Bought a Boat and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. These are respectful dating tips?

Guy Who Bought a Boat: Wow, and that was man-xplaining.

Colin Jost: No, I actually don’t think it was.

Guy Who Bought a Boat: Okay. Your breast bet for getting a heart shaved box [Cut to Guy Who Just Bought a Boat] is a heart shaped box. We’re talking rusty stoves, your go dives, your lili trus—That’s Lindt Lindor Truffles. Try and keep up. Remember, choco leads to taco. [Cut to Guy Who Just Bought a Boat and Colin Jost] I feel sick and bad all the time. And speaking of taco, [Cut to Guy Who Just Bought a Boat] bring your passports, boys, because at the end of the noche, it’s time to go south o’the border. And before long she’ll be showing you her o face. AS in, “O–kay, I’ll be doing it myself after you leave.”

[Cut to Guy Who Just Bought a Boat and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Well, at least you’re reciprocating. That seems like progress for you.

Guy Who Bought a Boat: Hey. What’s got three thumbs and respects chicks now? [Pointing at himself] This guy.

Colin Jost: Three? Oh, god. Guy Who Just Bought a Boat, everyone.

Guy Who Bought a Boat: See you on Bumble!

Colin Jost: For ‘Weekend Update’, I’m Colin Jost.

[Michael Che joins them]

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che.