Cowboy Standoff

Earl… Kyle Mooney

Louisa… Cecily Strong

Beck Bennett

Jasper.. Alex Moffat

Kenan Thompson

Leron… Elon Musk

[Starts with a group of cowboys running around town]

Male voice: Tell ’em, the Pearl River gang ain’t messing around.

[Cut to Earl inside a bar. He is shot.]

Louisa: Oh my goodness, Earl!

[Earl groaning] [Four men rush in]

Beck: We came as soon as we could.

Jasper: What happened?

Louisa: The Pearl River gang came through town. They shot Earl.

Earl: I’m fine. It’s just a scratch.

Jasper: That gang is out of control. We got to do something about it.

Kenan: Well, they’s always holed up in them foothills outside of Santa Fe. I reckon we go and give them taste of their own medicine.

Beck: Run straight at ’em, guns blazing.

Jasper: Hoo-whee! Let’s ride!

Leron: Or… hear me out on this. We can tunnel down into the earth and come up underneath them.

Beck: What?

Leron: They’re expecting a direct attack. But if we tunnel into the earth, we could come up underneath them and surprise them.

Jasper: Oh my god, there gives the genius talking about tunnels.

Louisa: Tunnels? Leron, I thought you was the electric horse guy.

Kenan: Yeah, isn’t that your’s plugged in outside?

[There’s a horse outside tied to a Tesla charging station.]

Leron: Sure. I do like, electric horses and self driving horses which are just horses. But I’ve also built a machine that can dig a tunnel 10 times faster than a gopher. I propose that we use it to ambush the Pearls River gang. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Beck: The hell you laughing at?

Leron: I just realized that Pearls River is an anagram for prevail err. Perhaps their prevailing error is not expecting sneak attack. He-he-he-he-he.

Jasper: Is this guy, like, slow?

Kenan: Yeah. Why you always saying stuff like that? Leron? Just be normal. Stop trying to reinvent the wheel.

Leron: Hmm.

Jasper: Ah! Dammit! Now he’s thinking about reinventing a new kind of wheel.

Beck: And besides, if we ambush that gang, we’ll never find out where they hid all their gold.

Leron: Oh yeah. I was thinking about that too. What if instead of panning for gold, we just create our own currency?

Kenan: Currency?

Jasper: Yeah. And what the heck would it be based on?

Leron: Whatever we say it’s based on?

Beck: [yelling] That ain’t how money works! Money is the golden rock that we dig out of the ground. Then we hope no one kills us before we trade it for pieces of green paper. It’s a perfect system.

Louisa: I don’t know, guys. Leron sounds pretty rich. I mean, smart. I think maybe I should spend some time with him upstairs so you guys check down that gang.

Leron: I would love nothing more than to fornicate with you, Louisa. But the overwhelming odds are that you have syphilis.

Louisa: Excuse me?

Leron: It’s actually a compliment. It means you’re successful at your job, which is a prostitute.

Louisa: Oh, well then, thank you, Leron. See? This is is a gentleman.

Beck: Then I’d just like to say I think you have syphilis as well.

Louisa: Hey! [slaps Beck] It don’t work when you say it. When Leron says it, it’s fine. Because he’s eccentric.

Jasper: Alright, enough! Okay, look. It’s not like Leron’s always right about everything.

Kenan: Yeah, what about that time we robbed a bank and he refuse to wear a mask?

Leron: Okay. For a while, I thought masks were dumb. But now I admit, masks make sense.

Jasper: Okay, see? Now, the plan is simple. The Pearl River gang came after us with guns, we’re going after them with guns. End of story.

Leron: Now let’s take a vote. Who wants to follow Jasper to a gun fight that will almost certainly result in your death. And who wants to do mine, genius tunnel plan?

All: Gun fight.

Leron: Hah! I don’t know why I even try.

Earl: Hey, I’m in too. Just need a minute.

Louisa: Oh, Earl.

[singing] He might not be the best at drinks
he might give off a couple of stinks,

but of all bartenders in the world
we don’t know one as fun as Earl

Leron: Wait, the closing song was about Earl? But I’m making the old west the new west.

All: [singing] Earl!

Male voice: History always remembered, Earl.

Town Hall Meeting

David Stangle… Taran Killam

Bobby Moynihan

Earl… Matthew McConaughey

Beck Bennett

Aidy Bryant

Cecily Strong

Rosco… Pete Davidson

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with a hall having a presentation]

David: And um, let me just start off by saying that we at N-tracker are so excited to work with all of you here. Benson, we think you’ve got a great little town.

Bobby: Yeah, well we are very excited to hear your plan.

David: Oh, good, good, good. Well, I know some of you have some concerns but we do think that a high speed rail line can grow our state’s economy by about 20% in the next decade.

[Cut to Earl. He is wearing a leather jacket and he has long hair.]

Earl: Go home! Yeah, you! Keep your fancy numbers and your pie charts coz we’re not buying it!

[Cut to David]

David: Um, sir, we are very confident in the research that we’ve done.

[Cut to Earl]

Earl: Oh! Is that so, college?

[Cut to David]

David: My name is David Stangle.

[Cut to Earl]

Earl: No, college. You’re college coz you stroll in here with your fancy degree and you think you own the place. Huh? Well I’m sorry, I didn’t go to college. My only credential is I love this town.

[Cut to David. Beck stands.]

Beck: Um, David, if I may. [turns to Earl] Let’s look at the numbers. Everyone turn to page two of the proposal.

[Cut to Earl]

Earl: Oh you’d like that, wouldn’t you? Books brothers!

[Cut to David and Beck]

Beck: Now hold on, sir.

[Cut to Earl]

Earl: No, you hold on books brothers. Hah! You stand there in your fancy suit and your $22 smile. Well I might not dress like you but this ain’t Park Avenue. This is Benson.

[Cut to Bobby and Aidy]

Aidy: I gotta say Earl, I’ve studied this proposal and it could be big for this town.

[Cut to Earl]

Earl: Oh, is that so? Little miss I know how to read!

[Cut to Bobby and Aidy]

Aidy: I do know. I know how to read.

[Cut to Earl]

Earl: Oh, you think coz you can read those little squiggles on that page and turn them to words in your brain, that means something like you’re smarter than me?

[Cut to Bobby and Aidy]

Aidy: I mean, I wanna say yes.

Bobby: Earl, look, I respect your passion. But you know, I think we should just hear these folks out.

[Cut to Earl]

Earl: Oh, is that what you think? Shoes!

[Cut to David, Bobby and Aidy]

David: Yeah! Um, why don’t we get back to the presentation. Now, as you can see this project could create 50 local jobs in the next year alone.

[Cut to Earl]

Earl: Yeah, yeah. Save your breath real hand!

[Cut to David]

David: Real hand?

[Cut to Earl]

Earl: Yeah! [you can now see that Earl’s left hand is made out of plastic] You think coz you never got pissed drunk and slept on your own hand for two days till it died, that makes you some kind of expert? Hah! Let me think! Dah, no!

[Cut to Cecily and Beck]

Cecily: Earl, Earl, this train could be great for us. The chart doesn’t lie.

[Cut to Earl]

Earl: Well it so happens, I brought a chart of my own. Show them, Rosco.

[Rosco comes in showing a picture of Thomas the Tank Engine that they have ruined by making horns and mustache on it.]

Hah! What do you think of that?

[Cut to Beck and Cecily]

Cecily: I think you drew a Hitler mustache on top Thomas the Tank Engine.

[Cut to Cecily, Beck, David, Bobby, Aidy]

Bobby: Um, how about we just open this up to the rest of the town?

[Cut to Earl. Kenan stand up]

Kenan: Well yes, I’m very much in favor of this proposal.

Earl: Well, I bet you are Mr. never got hit or bit by a bat.

Kenan: Tell us more about that one.

Earl: Just coz you didn’t rampaging through a dark barn, hear a bunch of fluttering that you thought might be just a pretty lady, then you took your clothes off, got a pair of fangs right in the face and another in the pecker, you think that makes you better than me?

[Cut to David]

David: Yes! Everyone here is better than you.

[Cut to Earl and Kenan]

Earl: I- I- I can’t believe this. After all I’ve done to save this town.

[Cut to Cecily and Beck]

Cecily: No. You blocked the road with your snow plow coz you said the Age of Ultron was coming.

[Cut to Earl]

Earl: Yeah, well hindsight 2020, nice rack!

[Cut to Beck and Cecily]

Cecily: Oh! [looks at her breasts and blushes] [Cut to Bobby and Aidy]

Bobby: Okay look, all in favor of the train coming through Benson?

[Everyone raises their hands]

All oppose?

[Cut to Earl]

Earl: Boo!

[Cut to Bobby and Aidy]

Bobby: Motion passes. The train will come through Benson.

[cut to Earl looking disappointed]

Earl: Oh, fine! Fine! I wanna be the conductor.

[Cut to David]

David: Absolutely not.

[Cut to Earl]

Earl: Fine! I want a picture with the train.

[Cut to David]

David: Uff! Sure.

[Cut to Earl]

Earl: Yeah? Yeah? You not lying?

David: No.

Earl: Yeah! [hits the table and looks at Kenan] We did it! High-five, huh? Ha-ha-ha. High-five, Rosco. Hay!

[Cut to the newspaper article headline “Ultron Invades Benson, He Took The Train”.] [The End]