Anthony Fauci… Kate McKinnon
Ted Cruz… Aidy Bryant
Mikey Day
Heidi Gardner
Bowen Yang
Ego Nwodim
Santa… Kyle Mooney
Melissa Villaseñor
Andrew Cuomo… Pete Davidson
Chris Cuomo… Andrew Dismukes
Lauren Boebert… Chloe Fineman
Marjorie Taylor Greene… Cecily Strong
[Starts with intro]
Male voice: And now a holiday message from Dr. Anthony Fauci.
[Cut to Anthony Fauci]
[cheers and applause]
Anthony Fauci: I’m back. Hello. Hi. Hi, everyone, it’s me Dr. Fauci. Do people still think I’m sexy? Or are we done with that? When people see me on TV, they think, “Oh, this can’t be good.” And the children think, “Wow, that Elf on the Shelf got old.”
Anyway, anyway. As you probably heard there is an Omicron wave sweeping the globe. Some experts feared the Omicron variant would be vaccine resistance, kind of like, I don’t know, 40% of Americans. More recent data suggests that if you had a vaccine and a booster, you should be pretty well protected. So if that’s you, I’d like to officially say unclench. With COVID cases on the rise, people still have a lot of questions. Is it safe to travel? Can I still use this as an excuse to get out of stuff? I would like to never work again. So, to help answer these queries, I once again invited members of the CDC to act out various holiday scenelets. So, please keep in mind, they’re not professional actors. They’re simply nerds who are trying their best. And then now the CDC players present going to a restaurant.
Mikey: Hi, I’d like to eat Christmas dinner at your restaurant, please.
Heidi: Sir, I just need to see your vaccination card.
Mikey: I actually can’t find it.
Heidi: You mean you lost the little one inch piece of cardboard they gave you?
Mikey: I’m afraid so.
Heidi: Then you are banished from society. Have fun living in the woods.
Mikey: Okay! And scene.
Anthony Fauci: No, no, no. That’s not right. You can get a replacement card… I think. The important thing is to get vaccinated. And if you’re vaccinated get boosted. And if you’re boosted, maybe want a little top off, a little splash. Anyway, let’s hope this next scene goes better. It’s called Mile High Christmas.
Bowen: Stewardess, I’m traveling home for the holidays, and I’m scared that I’ll get COVID on the airplane.
Ego: Don’t be. Air travel is fairly low risk.
Bowen: Great. I also heard girls can’t get pregnant in the sky. Is that true?
Ego: I don’t know, king. Let’s find out.
Anthony Fauci: No, no, no. That’s not true. That’s not even how sex works. Unless something’s changed. I guess people got pretty lonely during COVID, huh? Yeah, yeah. Now, let’s take a look at how Christmas traditions might look a little different this year in visiting center at the mall.
Santa: Ho, ho, ho. What would you like for Christmas, little girl?
Melissa: Well, Santa… [trying to sit on Santa’s lap]
Santa: Sorry, you can’t sit on my lap anymore. Thanks to the vaccine. My testicles have ballooned in size.
Melissa: Really?
Santa: Yes. They’re as big as grapes now.
Anthony Fauci: Stop! No, no, no, no. That’s just a conspiracy theory. And I am concerned about that particular man. Now, of course, the pandemic has also affected people economically. Keep that in mind as you watch this next scene, two unemployed brothers on Christmas Day.
Andrew Cuomo: Hello, I am disgraced former New York Governor, Andrew Cuomo.
Chris Cuomo: And I’m disgraced former CNN host Chris Cuomo.
Andrew Cuomo: And we both lost our jobs because of COVID.
Anthony Fauci: That’s not why. That’s not why you lost your jobs. Unfortunate, those were not the last public figures you’ll see tonight because when it comes to acting deeply offended about something minor, some of our most gifted performance these days come not from Hollywood but from congress, including the ladies in this next scene Christmas truths.
Lauren Boebert: Hi, I’m Lauren Boebert. And she’s Marjorie Taylor Greene.
Marjorie Taylor Greene: It’s pronounced Gan. The government has been using this fake disease to strip us of our freedom. Do they think we’re dumb?
Lauren Boebert: Please! Would they give a dumb person a gun? Yes.
Marjorie Taylor Greene: First, they said the shutdowns were until they found a vaccine. Then they found a vaccine and said it worked. Then they said everyone should get it. Then people got it and it saved their lives. If that’s not communism, then honey, I might not know what communism is.
Lauren Boebert: So, Merry Christmas. And remember, guns don’t kill people. People, people, people.
Anthony Fauci: Not helpful. No, no. Alright, here’s the truth guys. We are still in the midst of a pandemic. And that’s not going to change just because we all wished it would go away.
[Ted Cruz walks in]
Ted Cruz: Did somebody say wish it would go away?
Anthony Fauci: Not you. Not you.
Ted Cruz: That’s right. It’s me. The weirdo with the beardo, Ted Cruz.
Anthony Fauci: Ted, what are you doing here?
Ted Cruz: Hey, if you’re sick of seeing me, imagine how sick I am of being me.
Anthony Fauci: So Cruz, how are you handling the pandemic?
Ted Cruz: Oh, textbook bad. This week, I was the one not wearing a mask at Bob Dole’s funeral. Now, you may remember when I ran for President in 2016, Bob Dole said that nobody likes me. And this week, I got him back by not being infectious. But just imagine him looking down at your own funeral and the only face you can see is mine!
Anthony Fauci: That’s disturbing. Well, I think we all learned a lot today. Clearly, this country is divided but I think we can all agree on at least a few things. We all want to spend time together with our families.
Ted Cruz: Or run it back solo to Cancún.
Anthony Fauci: We all want our loved ones to be safe and happy and healthy.
Andrew Cuomo: Family is all we have.
Chris Cuomo: Yeah, as of two weeks ago.
Anthony Fauci: Now, that’s the Christmas spirit. See? We already found some common ground.
Marjorie Taylor Greene: And we can all agree that the Fox News Christmas tree arsonists must be executed.
Anthony Fauci: Maybe not.
All: Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!