Fauci Holiday Message Cold Open

Anthony Fauci… Kate McKinnon

Ted Cruz… Aidy Bryant

Mikey Day

Heidi Gardner

Bowen Yang

Ego Nwodim

Santa… Kyle Mooney

Melissa Villaseñor

Andrew Cuomo… Pete Davidson

Chris Cuomo… Andrew Dismukes

Lauren Boebert… Chloe Fineman

Marjorie Taylor Greene… Cecily Strong

[Starts with intro]

Male voice: And now a holiday message from Dr. Anthony Fauci.

[Cut to Anthony Fauci]

[cheers and applause]

Anthony Fauci: I’m back. Hello. Hi. Hi, everyone, it’s me Dr. Fauci. Do people still think I’m sexy? Or are we done with that? When people see me on TV, they think, “Oh, this can’t be good.” And the children think, “Wow, that Elf on the Shelf got old.”

Anyway, anyway. As you probably heard there is an Omicron wave sweeping the globe. Some experts feared the Omicron variant would be vaccine resistance, kind of like, I don’t know, 40% of Americans. More recent data suggests that if you had a vaccine and a booster, you should be pretty well protected. So if that’s you, I’d like to officially say unclench. With COVID cases on the rise, people still have a lot of questions. Is it safe to travel? Can I still use this as an excuse to get out of stuff? I would like to never work again. So, to help answer these queries, I once again invited members of the CDC to act out various holiday scenelets. So, please keep in mind, they’re not professional actors. They’re simply nerds who are trying their best. And then now the CDC players present going to a restaurant.

Mikey: Hi, I’d like to eat Christmas dinner at your restaurant, please.

Heidi: Sir, I just need to see your vaccination card.

Mikey: I actually can’t find it.

Heidi: You mean you lost the little one inch piece of cardboard they gave you?

Mikey: I’m afraid so.

Heidi: Then you are banished from society. Have fun living in the woods.

Mikey: Okay! And scene.

Anthony Fauci: No, no, no. That’s not right. You can get a replacement card… I think. The important thing is to get vaccinated. And if you’re vaccinated get boosted. And if you’re boosted, maybe want a little top off, a little splash. Anyway, let’s hope this next scene goes better. It’s called Mile High Christmas.

Bowen: Stewardess, I’m traveling home for the holidays, and I’m scared that I’ll get COVID on the airplane.

Ego: Don’t be. Air travel is fairly low risk.

Bowen: Great. I also heard girls can’t get pregnant in the sky. Is that true?

Ego: I don’t know, king. Let’s find out.

Anthony Fauci: No, no, no. That’s not true. That’s not even how sex works. Unless something’s changed. I guess people got pretty lonely during COVID, huh? Yeah, yeah. Now, let’s take a look at how Christmas traditions might look a little different this year in visiting center at the mall.

Santa: Ho, ho, ho. What would you like for Christmas, little girl?

Melissa: Well, Santa… [trying to sit on Santa’s lap]

Santa: Sorry, you can’t sit on my lap anymore. Thanks to the vaccine. My testicles have ballooned in size.

Melissa: Really?

Santa: Yes. They’re as big as grapes now.

Anthony Fauci: Stop! No, no, no, no. That’s just a conspiracy theory. And I am concerned about that particular man. Now, of course, the pandemic has also affected people economically. Keep that in mind as you watch this next scene, two unemployed brothers on Christmas Day.

Andrew Cuomo: Hello, I am disgraced former New York Governor, Andrew Cuomo.

Chris Cuomo: And I’m disgraced former CNN host Chris Cuomo.
Andrew Cuomo: And we both lost our jobs because of COVID.

Anthony Fauci: That’s not why. That’s not why you lost your jobs. Unfortunate, those were not the last public figures you’ll see tonight because when it comes to acting deeply offended about something minor, some of our most gifted performance these days come not from Hollywood but from congress, including the ladies in this next scene Christmas truths.

Lauren Boebert: Hi, I’m Lauren Boebert. And she’s Marjorie Taylor Greene.

Marjorie Taylor Greene: It’s pronounced Gan. The government has been using this fake disease to strip us of our freedom. Do they think we’re dumb?

Lauren Boebert: Please! Would they give a dumb person a gun? Yes.

Marjorie Taylor Greene: First, they said the shutdowns were until they found a vaccine. Then they found a vaccine and said it worked. Then they said everyone should get it. Then people got it and it saved their lives. If that’s not communism, then honey, I might not know what communism is.

Lauren Boebert: So, Merry Christmas. And remember, guns don’t kill people. People, people, people.

Anthony Fauci: Not helpful. No, no. Alright, here’s the truth guys. We are still in the midst of a pandemic. And that’s not going to change just because we all wished it would go away.

[Ted Cruz walks in]

Ted Cruz: Did somebody say wish it would go away?

Anthony Fauci: Not you. Not you.

Ted Cruz: That’s right. It’s me. The weirdo with the beardo, Ted Cruz.

Anthony Fauci: Ted, what are you doing here?

Ted Cruz: Hey, if you’re sick of seeing me, imagine how sick I am of being me.

Anthony Fauci: So Cruz, how are you handling the pandemic?

Ted Cruz: Oh, textbook bad. This week, I was the one not wearing a mask at Bob Dole’s funeral. Now, you may remember when I ran for President in 2016, Bob Dole said that nobody likes me. And this week, I got him back by not being infectious. But just imagine him looking down at your own funeral and the only face you can see is mine!

Anthony Fauci: That’s disturbing. Well, I think we all learned a lot today. Clearly, this country is divided but I think we can all agree on at least a few things. We all want to spend time together with our families.

Ted Cruz: Or run it back solo to Cancún.

Anthony Fauci: We all want our loved ones to be safe and happy and healthy.

Andrew Cuomo: Family is all we have.

Chris Cuomo: Yeah, as of two weeks ago.

Anthony Fauci: Now, that’s the Christmas spirit. See? We already found some common ground.

Marjorie Taylor Greene: And we can all agree that the Fox News Christmas tree arsonists must be executed.

Anthony Fauci: Maybe not.

All: Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

Dr. Anthony Fauci Cold Open

Dr. Anthony Fauci… Brad Pitt

[Starts with a message video]

Male voice: And now, a message from one of the lead members of the White House Coronavirus Task Force, Dr. Anthony Fauci.

[Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci speaking from home.]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Good evening. I’m Dr. Anthony Fauci. First, I’d like to thank all the older women in America who have sent me supportive, inspiring and sometimes graphic emails. Now, there’s been a lot of misinformation out there about the virus. And yes, the president has taken some liberties with our guidelines. So, tonight, I would like to explain what the president was trying to say. And remember, let’s all try to keep an open mind.

[Cut to Donald Trump speaking at a podium]

Donald Trump: We had some– We had a great meeting today with a lot of the great companies and um, they gonna have vaccines I think relatively soon…

[Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci.]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Relatively soon is an interesting phrase. Relative to the entire history of earth, sure, the vaccine’s gonna come real fast. But if you were to tell a friend, “I’ll be over relatively soon,” and then showed up a year and half later, well, your friend may be relative pissed off.

[Cut to Donald Trump speaking]

Donald Trump: We have done an incredible job. We’re going to continue. It’s going to disappear. One day. It’s like a miracle. It will disappear.

[Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Miracle would be great. Who doesn’t love miracles? But miracles shouldn’t be plan A. Even Sully tried to land at the airport first.

[Cut to Donald Trump speaking]

Donald Trump: Anybody that needs a test gets a test. They’re there. They have the tests. And the tests are beautiful.

[Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci.]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Okay. Couple of things. I don’t know if I would describe the test as beautiful. Unless your idea of beauty is having a cotton swab tickle your brain. Also, when he said everyone can get a test, what he meant was almost noone.

[Cut to Donald Trump speaking]

Donald Trump: You can call it a germ. You can call it a flu. You can call it a virus. You know, you can call it many different names. I’m not sure anybody even knows what it is.

[Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci.]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: We know what it is.

[Cut to Donald Trump speaking]

Donald Trump: And then I see the disinfectant. Where it knocks it out in a minute. One minute. And, is there a way we can do something like that? Um, by injection?

[Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci looking clueless.]

[Cut to Donald Trump speaking]

Donald Trump: Suppose we hit the body with a tremendous, um, whether it’s ultraviolet or just very powerful light.

[Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci doing the facepalm.]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: I know I shouldn’t be touching my face but– Now, there is a rumor that the president is going to fire me. Let’s see what he said about that.

[Cut to Donald Trump speaking]

Donald Trump: Today, I walk in, I hear I’m gonna fire him. I’m not firing him. I think he’s a wonderful guy.

[Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci.]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: So, yeah. I’m getting fired. But until then, I’m gonna be there putting out the facts for whoever’s listening. And when I hear things like the virus could be cured if everyone takes the tide pod challenge, I’ll be there to say, “Please don’t.”

[He opens the wig. He’s Brad Pitt.] And to the real Dr. Fauci, thank you for your calm and your clarity in this unnerving time. And thank you to the medical workers, first responders and their families for being on the front line. And now, live, kind of, from all across America, it’s Saturday night.