Colin Jost
Michael Che
[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Carnegie Deli and a sandwich at right top corner.]
Speaker 2: New York’s famed Carnegie Deli has introduced a new sandwich featuring a massive tower of turkey and bacon which they call the ‘Derek Jeter Triple Club’. They named it for Jeter because after you eat it, [Picture changes to Jeter’s back with ‘2’ on his jersey.] you’ll take a legendary number 2. [audience laughing]
[Cut to 1. There’s a picture of Microsoft logo and written ‘Fifth Ave’ at left top corner.]
Speaker 1: Microsoft has announced plans to open a flagship store on New York’s Fifth Avenue, just blocks away from the Apple store. That’s the Microsoft store, as in, he line for the Apple store starts all the way back at the Microsoft store.
[Picture changes to thee cheerleaders.]
Scientists in Japan have developed a group of robotic cheerleaders. But, it’s not what you think. They also have sex with them.
[Cut to 2. There’s a picture of ‘Police Department: City of New York’ logo at right top corner.]
Speaker 2: The New York city Police Department is hoping to eliminate incidents of police brutality by showing police a compilation video of officers assaulting people. Unfortunately, the background song on the video is, “This is how we do it.”
[Picture changes to Jimmy Carter]
Jimmy Carter celebrates his 90th birthday this week as usual by snorting peanut dust off a hooker’s ass.
[Picture changes to Joe Biden]
While speaking at Harvard this week, vice president Joe Biden said that his job can be “a bitch”. But when you’re vice president, bitch is basically the job description.
[Cut to 1 and 2]
Speaker 1: Now, that’s kind of a weird word. Can we say that?
Speaker 2: What? Bitch?
Speaker 1: Yes.
Speaker 2: Well, I think so because we’re talking about a thing, not a woman.
Speaker 1: Okay, yes. Cool, cool. Um, while we’re on the subject, could I ask you if there’s a couple of other things I can say?
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 1: Like, what about ‘bae’?Can I call my girlfriend bae?
Speaker 2: Ew, no. You can’t.
Speaker 1: Why, is it because I’m white?
Speaker 2: No, it’s because you’re 30.
Speaker 1: Well, what if I’m in the club?
Speaker 2: Well, you definitely can’t say in the club.
Speaker 1: Why not?
Speaker 2: Because I know the place you’re talking about and that’s Dave & Buster’s.
Speaker 1: I just feel like I can’t say anything and you can say everything.
Speaker 2: There’s things I can’t say. Like, “Tootle-loo.” Or, “Skinny Macchiato.” Or, “Thank you for your help, officer.”
Speaker 1: You know, coming out of your mouth, that does sound a little cra-cra.
Speaker 2: See that’s– Actually, you can keep cra-cra. You pretty much ruined that for everybody.
[Cut to 1. There’s a picture of a breakfast meal at left top corner.]
Speaker 1: I got cra-cra. A British cafe has introduced a new breakfast called the Hybernator which is 8,000 calories and contains bacon, sausage, cheese omelettes, waffles, toast, black pudding and beans. And if you’re able to finish the entire thing, they’ll even make your plaque with your name on it. [Picture changes to a tombstone with all the written on a plaque.]
[Picture changes to Nicholas Sparks.]
A law suit has been filed by a former head of the North Carolina private school against ‘Notebook’ author Nicholas Sparks, alleging he’s a bigot and held the man captive in a room while attacking him. But something tells me they’ll end up falling for each other at the end.